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Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
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Chapter Ten: Where Angels Fear to Tread
"Everybody wants to rule the world.
It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world.
There's a room where the light won't find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I'll be right behind you.
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world."
--"Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears
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Thanks to the great people who volunteered themselves and others for cameo roles. They are, in order of appearance,
Kitty Rainbow as................................. KITTY, Bartender
IntriKate (formerly spider-elf) as.......... IVY, Reporter/Journalist
Ophelia who is insane as.................... OPHELIA, Drinks Mixer
Maiden Genisis as.............................. MEL THORN, Chef
slime frog as....................................... BRYONY, Lead Vocalist, Waitress
Tie Kerl as.......................................... TIE, Guitarist, Fish Feeder, Parrot Expert
Crazygirly007 as.................................. Y'LIME, Guitarist, Waitress
(Her bogglefish Horatio as).................. HIMSELF, A Bogglefish
Nyghtvision as.................................... CASPIAN, Proprietor
Ophelia's Friend Leo as....................... HIMSELF, A Friend
The Original as .................................. GWYNETH, Happy Coffee-Drinking Girl
====================================================================
SCIENCE was the flare-prediction program that Foaly kept so jealously. Besides predicting to one-tenths of a second when the next deadly magma flare would occur, it controlled the thermal sensors in the chutes that in turn controlled the massive six-foot-thick doors. The massive six-foot-thick doors protected the chute terminal from the superheated magma.
Now all of SCIENCE was down and out for the proverbial count.
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Netherworld Flamingo
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Ivy the reporter looked around with raised eyebrows from her place at the bar. Chaos, sheer, inedible chaos, rocking and roller-blading in every direction as far as she could see. "On a Sunday night in July," she wrote on her pad, then thought better of it and crossed it out. She winced as the very unmusical voices of a renowned psychologist and an illustrious psychiatrist butchered the chords of a song on the karaoke stage. "... Apparently Doctors Cumulus and Argon have even larger egos than we thought," Ivy scribbled in the margins.
"It's mah OWN desiiiire.... it's mah OWN remorse... EVeryBOdy WANTS to RUle the World..." Cumulus and Argon caterwauled, while the band members behind them looked on with pained expressions on their faces.
"Who told the shrinks that they could sing?" muttered a gremlin, tapping the bartop with his fingernail. He blew a puff of smoke off his fungal cigarette and eyed his sandwich suspiciously. "Hey, you!" he shouted at a passing waitress.
The young female turned, her blonde hair swinging around her pointed ears. "Ophelia," she sighed, absently catching a Random Parrot as it fell out of the sky.
"Yeah, Ophelia. Why is my sandwich wiggling?" The gremlin pointed to his sandwich, which had grayish, writhing tentacles emerging from the crust. He prodded it carefully.
"Eee!" the sandwich protested. A tentacle reached up and slapped the gremlin in the face.
He looked at the waitress accusingly. "Is this some kind of joke?"
"That's our new Cuttlefish Burger," Ophelia said brightly, throwing the parrot back over her shoulder. "It's very popular with Atlantean tourists. As you can see..." the waitress continued, peeling off the top piece of bread, "The cuttlefish is very fresh ... and ... wriggling. Very healthy!" she enthused.
The tentacles reached up and felt around for the piece of bread. It covered itself with the bread, settled around until it felt comfortable, and went limp again.
"Everybody wants to rule the world..." the Singing Shrinks continued obliviously.
"How do I eat it?" the gremlin deadpanned, twitching his fungal cigarette.
Ophelia shrugged. "I don't know. I'm the drinks mixer. Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster?" she offered, holding up a smoking bottle of acid-green liquid.
"I want to talk to the chef," the gremlin growled. "I'm a respected LEPretrieval officer. You can't expect me to eat a live squid." He stubbed the cigarette out on the bartop and glowered at her, looking strangely like Julius Root.
Ophelia sighed and disappeared behind the kitchen doors, which were painted to resemble nothing on this earth. "Mel... there's a Code Yellow out on the bar..."
A few seconds later, an elf emerged, twirling a frying pan in her fingers. Her silver-streaked brown hair was held back in a ponytail, and her eyes were dangerous. "I've been told you insulted my cuttlefish!"
The gremlin pointed to the sandwich, which was slowly but steadily crawling off the plate. "It's alive."
"It's fresh!" the chef protested, stuffing the tentacles back under the crust. The sandwich squeaked in annoyance and curled up sulkily. "A fresh cuttlefish a day keeps away, um, hoof-and-mouth disease." She nodded emphatically, and the blue ribbon holding her ponytail was promptly stolen by a parrot.
"Kitty," Ivy called out in warning, looking up from her notepad. "Don't look now, but a sandwich is stalking you."
Kitty set down the hissing bottle of gurgling pink liquid that she was creating chemical reactions with. Stealthily, she peered out of the corners of her eyes. Dragging itself along by its tentacles, the sandwich crept closer and closer. "Only in the Netherworld," she announced as a tentacle snaked out from under the bread and swiped a bar coaster, tucking it under the bread with an air of triumph. Carefully she picked it up, ignoring the angry squeaks, and set it next to Mel.
There was a blindingly quick THWAP, and a startled squeak. The sandwich twitched once and then lay still. Mel smiled triumphantly, tossing the frying pan up in the air. "Enjoy your sandwich!" she encouraged, turning around and walking away. The frying pan fell neatly back into the elf's hands as she sauntered back into the kitchen.
The gremlin's mouth worked soundlessly for a few minutes. "Girls these days," he muttered finally.
Meanwhile, Ivy had been chucked out of the bar by an angry gang of dwarves, for reasons best left to the dwarves. The reporter sighed as she untaped a hole in the wall from the B'wa Kell invasion. She slipped back into the bar, taping the hole behind her. "There are other ways of skinning a swear toad..."
Up on the stage, the three staff members, who were also part-time band members, gave each other tired looks.
"I can't stand it anymore," Bryony announced, glaring at Dr. J. Argon. She was a small fairy with brightly colored hair and an unpredictable nature. Besides being a waitress, she was the lead vocalist, and wasn't too happy that some nasal-voiced quack had swiped her wireless microphone. "Are you guys ready?"
"Been ready," replied Tie, the electric guitarist, with an ever-so-slightly demented gleam in his blue eyes.
"Nothing ever lasts forever, everybody wants to rule the world..."
Y'lime, waitress and guitarist, leaned towards a nearby fishtank. "Horatio?"
The bogglefish stared back at her in astonishment. Strangely enough, the fish wore a red clown nose and a rainbow clown wig.
Y'lime nodded decisively, unstrapping her guitar. "We're ready."
The three band members leaped forward and tackled the singing psychiatrist.
"Tie, go get Joe!" Bryony screamed as she attempted to hold down the writhing fairy. The guitarist took off like a rocket into the crowd of People, who were all cheering and clapping as the psychiatrist screamed at the indignity.
Meanwhile, Caspian, the Random Owner, was giving CPR to a bird. One of the Random Parrots had flown into a glass squid, and now it wasn't breathing. She grabbed the limp parrot and ran into the kitchen, screaming. "Medical emergency! Let me through!"
Kitty ran out of the kitchen, screaming "Fire in the hole!"
Smoke poured out of the double doors. Caspian skidded into Kitty, fell against the door, and toppled backwards into the kitchen. Mel Thorn was beating out the flames with her frying pan, while Ophelia's friend Leo frantically tried to untangle an ancient fire hose that hung from the ceiling. Caspian staggered to her feet, dropping the parrot, and grabbed a large, wet squid that just happened to be lying on the counter. She began to beat the flames back with the squid.
Ivy skidded in, panting and clutching her notebook. The journalist took no notice of the flaming stove -- an angry mob of tunnel gnomes was on her tail. Ivy whipped open a nearby dishwasher, and hid inside.
Kitty charged back in with a gallon of glowing liquid and threw it over the fire.
WHOOMPH.
A moment later, the staff looked at the smoldering ruins of the stove with resigned looks. Kitty felt her eyebrows to make sure they weren't burned off. Leo stood entangled in several feet of fat yellow fire hose, looking slightly shell-shocked. Mel quickly dropped her red-hot frying pan into the sink, and a cloud of steam mingled with the odd-smelling purple smoke. Ivy opened the dishwasher, blinked, looked around, shrugged, and tiptoed back into the bar. Caspian looked pitifully at the burnt, limp squid in her hands.
"How do we explain this to the insurance company?"
"We don't HAVE an insurance company anymore, remember? They ditched us after the squirrel incident."
"A real disaster, that was."
"We did not give matches to the SQUIRREL," Mel reminded everyone. "We gave matches to the CHIPMUNK. You'd think they'd be a little more understanding."
Ophelia came in with a dinner order and raised a calm, unruffled eyebrow at the melted appliance, the weirdly purple smoke, and the smell of smoked squid. Her green eyes landed on her boyfriend. "Leo, what did you do?"
Her boyfriend shook his head slowly, staring at the lump of ashes, still not ready to speak.
Meanwhile, back at the bar...
Gwyneth, a regular customer and distant relative of Caspian's, was inhaling coffee at an amazing rate. Y'lime was on duty behind the bar, leaning on her elbows and staring in fascination as the auburn-haired elf added several packets of sugar to the muddy-looking black liquid and dropped in a coffee stirrer. Gwyneth pulled the stirrer out, noting its charred appearance, and the fact that it was partially eaten away, as if it had been dipped in acid. She nodded once. "Perfect."
Y'lime shrugged. "Drink fast. It's eating away at the cup." She ducked under the bar and pulled out a jar of aspirin, swallowing a few with a glass of straight grenadine. Dr. Argon's singing had given her a Class A migraine.
Her bogglefish, Horatio, gulped up at her with an expression of fishy disbelief. Y'lime smiled at her fish and offered him an aspirin. After much boggling (What IS that? Food? Grackle? Lawnmower?) Horatio accidentally ate it. The look on his face was priceless. A sort of scrunched-up, incredulous goggle.
This prompted Y'lime to hold his tank aloft and proclaim, in a Shakespeare-esque way, "There are more things on Heaven and Earth, Horatio..."
The fish gave her a clueless, yet worshipful look.
Somewhere by the dinner booths, Ivy was interviewing a member of the Atlantean Coucil, when the tunnel gnomes spotted her and she had to leap behind the nearest glowing squirrel statue. She burned a lot of calories when she was fleeing for her life, but it came with the territory.
Gwyneth finished her coffee and looked hopefully at Y'lime. However, the waitress had whipped out her guitar and was now composing a song on the spot about bogglefish. Taking a quick look around, Gwyneth vaulted over the bartop, swiping the coffeepot.
"You shouldn't do that, missy," the crusty gremlin snorted. "The bouncer'll have ya out like a swear toad on a hot tin roof."
Gwyneth settled her cats-eye glasses on her nose. "I'm the fifth cousin by re-marriage twice removed of the grandmother of the management's dad. Blood runs thicker than coffee."
"Girls these days," the gnome snorted, moving farther down the bar.
Bryony came pelting out of the staff room, holding her microphone. Her frog-bright hair was sprinkled with dazzlingly colored parrot feathers, giving her a psychedelic look. She took a few deep warm-up breaths and threw back her head. "HAPPY HOUR IS OVER!" she bellowed musically. Then she went into a nearby corner and hid there.
With sighs and grumblings, most of the customers got up and left, the more unsteady ones assisted by Joe the Bouncer. Trouble Kelp, Ivy and Gwyneth were the only ones who stayed. Gwyneth because she was having an animated conversation with Horatio about Fuzzy Math, whatever that was, Ivy because she was, well, Ivy, and Trouble because he was feeling depressed.
The Captain didn't want to go home -- precious little welcome there. He looked despondently at his new flyswatter and hoped Grub hadn't been eaten by a rampaging fungus. Then he sighed, remembering the usual state of Grub's bedroom, which bred mushrooms and molds like a biology experiment gone terribly wrong. The intelligent fungi would probably proclaim Grub their god, and would follow him around on their mushroomy feet, somewhat like the pagan pygmies in all those old Mud movies. Trouble laughed a little wildly and poked at his salad, which seemed to be built out of old lobster parts. It was delicious, but too strange looking to eat seriously.
"Trub, do you want Joe to take you home?" Kitty asked in some concern, leaning over his shoulder.
"No." He poked his salad and watched in absent interest as a carapace and a claw skidded off the plate.
"Well, can I take your salad away, then?" Kitty gently attempted to remove the plate, but pulled back her hands quickly as Trouble stabbed at it with his fork.
"No, that's okay. Can I have the usual again?"
"I don't know if that's a good idea," Kitty began, then ducked as Trouble lunged at his plate with the fork. Two legs and a lobster tail went flying past her pointed ear. She raised her hands in surrender and backed away slowly. "Right then."
The staff gathered around the emptied bar for their own amusement, except for Joe, who went underneath the stage and Lurked there. Ivy reappeared, settled down on a bar stool, and began organizing her notes -- a task made more difficult by the mated pair of Random Parrots who wanted to make a nest with the exciting-looking papers. Bryony lay across several bar stools, balancing a spoon on her pointed nose while drinking something strange through a long novelty straw. Y'lime slung her guitar over her shoulder and began teaching Horatio how to read Spanish. Horatio blinked and looked cross-eyed at the red clown nose on his snout. Gwyneth had found a pogo stick somewhere, and was pogo-ing around the bar.
Mel Thorn fed the fish in the massive wall tanks, staring at the bogglefish, muttering something about "Ketchup" and giggling quietly to herself. Ophelia and her friend Leo were cheerfully drinking each other under the table with Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters. Tie wandered around with a six-pack of Coke, staring off into space with a slightly rabid expression and occasionally nodding in a very evil way. And Caspian was attempting to resuscitate the Random Parrot. All in all, a normal, well-adjusted bunch of young fairies.
"That parrot is dead," Tie announced, looking over Caspian's shoulder.
"No he isn't, he's stunned!" Caspian protested, poking the bird in the chest.
"He's dead, Caspian. If he wasn't on the bartop he'd be pushing up daisies."
"He can't be dead..." Bryony sat up, the spoon flying off her nose. "He's probably very tired and shagged out following his stirring rendition of 'The Knights who say Ni.'"
"Look, Bry, I know a dead parrot when I see one," Tie contradicted, for the sheer sport of it. "I have a parrot, you know..."
"Is your parrot dead?" Gwyneth asked.
"Not currently."
"Well then how would you know?" Gwyneth finished happily.
"Because he's a very good actor," Tie said after a second. "There, I've run rings around you, logically."
"How do--"
"He's not dead!" Caspian protested.
Ivy gave up trying to put her notes together and clipped them shut in her binder. She glanced over at the Parrot and bit her lip. "It's... looking rather limp, Caspian."
Mel Thorn jumped up suddenly and ran into the kitchen. She returned with a nice specimen of cuttlefish. "Here, Random Parrot, I've got a lovely fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up!"
No answer. The parrot looked about as active as a dishrag. A very old, wet, limp dishrag.
"He'd make a very nice lawn decoration," Y'lime offered, feeding Horatio a piece of cracker.
"Perhaps he's drunk," Leo spoke up for the first time.
"Perhaps he's dead," Tie suggested optimistically, picking the bird up by one stiff foot. "..."
"There! Look! He moved!" Kitty said happily.
"No he didn't, that was you poking him."
"..." Tie continued.
Y'lime popped back up with "Oh, oh, I know! He's got epilepsy."
"That's insane..."
"No it isn't, it's crazy. There is a difference," Y'lime insisted.
Ivy nodded thoughtfully and wrote something down. No one was entirely sure why.
Ophelia came over and picked up the parrot. She tossed it into the air. Everyone watched it plummet to the floor. "Now that's what I call a dead parrot."
There was a strange grumbling, trembling noise, as if some giant was clearing their throat. Everyone looked up as the glass squid hanging from the ceiling shook back and forth.
"EARTHQUAKE!" screamed the Random Parrot, which had miraculously revived. There was no time for the staff to rejoice, for the power went out with a horrible snap, and the whole ground tilted beneath them.
"Didn't do it," somebody muttered sardonically before a beam collapsed.
--------------------------
Lower Elements
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Not even the B'wa Kell Riots had taken such a toll on the city. Those out on the streets dashed for cover. Spitefully, the cover fell out onto the streets. The streets cracked and buckled and groaned, buildings trembled, windows broke.
The Standard Random Mother dashed past, clutching her Bundled-Up Baby and screaming.
In Downtown Haven, Spud's Spud Emporium trembled like a living creature. Underground buildings are usually anchored at both ends, with a foundation in the ground and supports to the vast underground sky of Haven. Spud's detached from the ceiling and listed crazily to the side, then buckled and simply fell apart. Panicked employees and customers dashed out onto the cracking streets, diving for shelter in all directions.
The Standard Random Mother dashed past again. "AAAAAH!"
The photo booth that had sheltered the Kelp brothers during the B'wa Kell invasion fell apart for the second time.
Miraculously, the Netherworld Flamingo was relatively unhurt.
Everything else was a disaster.
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Shuttleport and Chute Terminal
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The earth tremor knocked Holly to her hands and knees. She flipped to her feet and stared in horror. Through the massive, open chute doors, she could see a red glow approaching. Heat saturated her body. The ground shook. The pressure rose. A horribly familiar roar built up.
The doors were not closing.
Holly looked around frantically. The shuttleport was empty, as she had requested, except for one gnome. He stood blankly at his desk, staring at the column of approaching magma.
"COMMANDANT TERRYL!" she screamed, beckoning frantically. Without waiting to see if he was coming, Holly spun around and slapped Artemis out of his restraining harness. "Butler, get Artemis out of here! Intern! Snap out of it! We have to move!"
Butler, supremely calm in a crisis, picked up the mastermind like a small child, slipped out of the rental pod, and followed Holly. Janisha staggered to her feet and sprinted after them.
Holly's chest heaved as the heat made it harder and harder to breathe. The approaching flare would be upon them in a matter of seconds. The magma probably wouldn't make it past the doors, but there was always the problem of the killer heat. There were no coolant tanks here in the terminal, since the doors were supposed to protect it. And the doors remained stuck open... There was no way the group could escape the massive terminal in time... Oh, Frond, oh, Frond... No time...
"Holly?" Artemis's cool, clear voice broke through her frenzied thoughts. "Can you pick your way into one of these?" He flicked his pale fingers at the long lines of empty shuttles, eggs and pods that surrounded them. "With a fast vehicle, we could outrun it..."
Holly broke out into a wild grin. "So you are good for something, Mud Boy." She leaped forward, scanning the vehicles with frantic eyes. No time, no time... there! That was it!
A titanium LEP fighter pod, sleek and dangerous with a nose like a needle. Holly had no time to wonder what a military vehicle was doing in the terminal. The intense heat grew even worse. As she worked frantically at opening the door, the scorching metal burned her hands. Janisha sucked in a breath as the orange light of magma appeared in the door.
No time. No time...
Holly flung open the pod door. "GET IN!" she screamed at the group. Butler was the only one who reacted. He grabbed Artemis and the medic and flung them into the shuttle, leaping into the backseat. Holly looked around one last time. Commandant Terryl was nowhere to be seen.
Janisha could feel the heat searing her eyeballs. She and Holly would be all right. They were fairies, they would probably outlast the humans by a few minutes. But the oven had scorched Artemis's pale skin. Instinctively her hand went to the teen's shoulder, healing sparks springing to action even though her mind was still baking in the heat.
No time.
Holly leaped gracefully into the cockpit, pulling the blistering hot door closed. She slammed the control panel with her hand. "Computer, emergency override. Authorization Captain Short. Alpha omega one zero one. Start up... please..."
Holly gasped in pure relief as the shuttle hummed to life. There was no time for delicacy. She activated the bottom boosters and shot clear of the line of vehicles, slamming towards the terminal roof. Even in the titanium shuttle the heat was painfully intense.
The lava spilled and oozed. The ceiling cracked under the enormous pressure and heat.
No time.
Holly cracked a smile. Hey, she'd been flare riding since she had her license. This was her thing.
Plenty of time.
She switched on the air-conditioning to full blast.
The heat surged forward, distortting everything in its path. The air itself boiled. All moisture was stripped away. Silver's purple eyebrows shot up as her rental pod was blistered, cracked and melted by the sheer heat. "Oh, Frond," she muttered. Her hand reached up to clutch the Book that wasn't there. It was a comfort thing.
"Holly?" Butler questioned anxiously as the heat grew even more unbearable. It was a rather amusing sight to see Butler anxious. It was also rather amusing to see the way his massive frame filled in all the extra space in the back, with Artemis and Janisha squeezed into the last seat. "Shouldn't we be getting out of here?"
Her smile grew. This was easy stuff. "Aw, is the big nasty Butler scared of a little melted rock?" Holly thrust forward on the joystick and her passengers were flung against their seats. The fighter shuttle went from zero to ninety in an instant, the shuttleport blurring past incoherently. The G-forces pulled Holly's face back, an unsettling feeling.
Within seconds they had crossed the vast empty space of the terminal, and the huge front doors loomed ahead of them. Behind them crawled the massive ooze of lava, glowing a deep and menacing orange. It was the biggest flare she had ever seen. Lava didn't usually get that far.
Holly smirked. "I've always wanted to do this," she stated to no one in particular, leaning forward on the edge of her seat. The molded joystick thrummed comfortably in her hands. She concentrated the needle-like, diamond-tipped nose of the fighter on the center of the glass.
"Isn't that stuff rocketproof?" Silver squeaked, packed in between Artemis and the wall.
"Yep," Holly answered as if it didn't really bother her. She slammed on the boosters, and with a grin like a pyro in a fireworks shop, lifted a glass lid on the control panel. Underneath the lid was the Classical Big Red Button with DO NOT PRESS written next to it in big pleading letters.
"Why do they bother?" Holly asked rhetorically, pressing the button.
Artemis, squeezed between Butler and the medic, adjusted his safety harness and tried not to whimper.
There was a massive explosion, and twin rockets shot out of the torpedo bay of the shuttle. For an instant, they were caught between fire and fire. The rockets shot ahead, the magma roared behind. Holly gunned forward and burst through the weakened glass like a parakeet from a cannon.
The fighter shuttle hovered above the streets of Haven. It was like being in a canyon with the tall buildings rooted to the almost infinite underground ceiling. Artemis and Butler could do little but gape. After all, they had never seen it before.
They had made it.
Holly smirked again, turning back to face her pale, gaping passengers. "And that's why--"
CRRRAAAA-SCREEEEEECH------
A sudden earth tremor cut off her words. The office building next to them trembled and shook, pulling loose from its top anchoring. Holly wasted a nanosecond staring at it blankly. Then she flipped the fighter sideways and shot forward. The glass from breaking windows poured down around them like rain as the huge building pitched forward, looming over the fighter as if it was a great tidal wave breaking over a tiny little surfer. Office furniture flew out of the emptied windows and cascaded down towards the fighter shuttle.
Pens, desks, chairs, potted plants, computers, glow cubes, books, figuirines of random animals showered around them like a very strange and random rainfall. Thankfully, the building had been evacuated, as no pixies and gnomes were splattering down on the shuttle's main windows.
Holly was in her element. Flip to the side, avoid the potted petunias, dodge the I-beam, don't fly into the falling couch. It was weird but fun. She breezed out of harm's way as the building crashed and crumbled and collapsed behind them. She spun the fighter on a dime and smiled at the disaster she had just missed.
"-- I'm the best pilot they've got," Holly finished her sentence enthusiastically.
Artemis unbuckled himself and wriggled out with all possible dignity from between Silver and Butler. Like a prince ascending to his throne, he settled down in the co-pilot seat and strapped in with an air of finality. He'd be getting all of Holly's flygirl stunts up his nose, but at least he wouldn't be stuck in such an undignified position between the manservant and the medic. "You know, Holly, I could swear you're enjoying this."
"Oh, I am." Holly neatly turned the shuttle around. Above her, awful groans and creaks signified that another of Haven's proud and beautiful buildings was going to collapse. "The flying part," she added quickly. "Not the destruction." She gunned forward and out of the path of the next disaster.
"What's happening?" Janisha spoke up suddenly, folding her arms across her chest.
"Apparently your flare sensors have been disabled," Artemis answered her. He was unable to keep the condescending tone out of his voice. "The tremors are most likely occuring because Haven's bedrock is expanding with the heat."
"They shouldn't," Holly frowned. "We have all kinds of preventions. Electronic sensors, internal gyroscopes, deep-set automatic coolant tanks, balancer fields..."
"Most of which were electronic? Easy to override."
"Override?" Holly's voice rose. "What do you mean, override?"
Artemis sighed, as if he couldn't believe the preschoolers he was putting up with. "Has your equipment shown any signs of malfunction? Haven't you weathered several flares a day for centuries? Don't you think Foaly would have noticed if vital programs were disconnected?"
"He would have noticed if somebody hacked into them!" Holly shouted, leaning towards him aggressively.
"A hacker with enough intelligence to break into the system would most likely know enough to cover their tracks!" Artemis snapped, leaning forward as well. They were practically forehead to forehead.
Butler and the medic glanced rapidly back and forth between the arguers as the conversation up front escalated into an argument. Holly gritted her teeth. "And how do you figure this? Are you the hacker? I thought you reformed but I wouldn't put it past you."
"And let myself be caught in the flare? Brilliant deduction, Holly. Why, it would have taken me all of half a microsecond to completely discard that idea. Your grasp of logic is truly--"
Artemis never saw it coming. Holly drew back her fist and socked him mightily between the eyes. Enraged, Butler lunged forward, forgetting his safety harness. It snapped him back, but he caught Holly's hand. "Captain Short--"
"He deserved it, though, didn't he?"
Butler thought about it and relaxed, giving her back her fist. He kept the stern look on his face. After all, Artemis Fowl was his charge. "Yes, but that's no reason to -- you can't just-- I can't let you -- is that the second time you've done that to him?"
"Third, I believe." Holly looked at her fist, and back at the stunned Artemis. "He brings out the worst in me."
"I don't think your worst is so bad," Artemis said with a dazed, completely uncharacteristic grin.
"You know, when he's half knocked out, he looks like a normal kid," Silver chipped in. She held out her index finger and touched the huge, nasty, lump and bruise forming between his eyes. When she pulled it away, Artemis looked himself again. Cool, unemotional, and vaguely annoyed.
Janisha held her hand towards Butler. "You've got some scorching from the heat. I can take care of it, or you can keep suffering in silence," she offered.
"So. Who do you think took over our system?" Holly asked as if nothing had happened. She palmed the shuttle a little closer to the ceiling and let it hover.
"Not necessarily the whole system. Perhaps a few key components." Artemis gestured around the damaged city. "My guess, of course, is the same person that tried to do the same thing a while ago. Opal Koboi. Yet there are some strange things about this whole scenario." He dropped his hands to his lap and looked out the opposite window, leaving Holly staring at the back of his head.
"Great," she muttered after a minute. Apparently her famed Holly Short Stare of Death was not actually physically penetrative.
She kicked the speed into full throttle, throwing her passengers back into their seats. "I think our next stop should be Foaly's little domain."
---------------------------------
"Foaly's Little Domain"
Police Plaza
---------------------------------
"Gih! Ganyping!" The centaur galloped around madly, gibbering, flailing, and doing everything short of frothing at the mouth. "Gnabsnash! Yurtl! Gih hibbity GNAAAH!" He charged at an abandoned desk, wheeled around, and gave it a shattering blow with his back hooves. "Jheeby jheeby jhiv..." He collapsed in a tangle of hooves and legs and arms, cradled his head, and had a small breakdown.
The LEP Headquarters had recently been triple-reinforced, so that in times of trouble and strife, it could become a sort of fortress. It had stayed intact, and the tremors had done minimal damage. A few lamps were broken, an Atlantean Bogglefish belonging to a Recon officer died of a heart attack, and a small espresso machine had, for reasons unknown, self-destructed.
However, the suicide of the espresso machine was not what was driving Foaly - literally- up the wall.
It was the fact that someone had foiled him again, and he couldn't do anything about it.
-------------------------------
Streets of Haven
-------------------------------
"There. Go," Takaban told his headset. Some distance away, Corporal Lili Frond nodded and smoothed her uniform over her hips. She pulled back her curls and took a deep breath.
"I can do this. I am supreme. I am confident. I am a Frond." Reciting mantras under her breath, Lili slipped through the crowded streets, dodging terrified fairies who were fleeing their ruined homes, screaming, milling about, and generally getting in the way. Standard Civilian Behavior, Chapter Six, Paragraph One, How to React in the Event of Disaster. Here and there an LEP officer was frantically directing civilians into reinforced buildings. Lili kept her head down so she wouldn't be recognized.
The Random Mother bolted past, almost running Lili down. She clutched her baby to her chest and screamed. "AAAAAHH!"
Lili blinked and kept going.
The Medical Ward was on Police Plaza, and the security was tight. However, no one was present to enforce it. Alarms were going off everywhere as buildings trembled and shook, and the LEP were busy with other things. Lili pulled out her buzz baton and crashed it against a first floor window. Immediately, a whooping siren sounded, and was lost in the din. The blonde corporal heaved herself through the windowsill, broken glass crunching underfoot.
"I'm in, sir," she said into her helmet.
-----------------------------------
Howler's Peak
-----------------------------------
Opal growled in annoyance as an IM popped up on her computer. She sent off the floorplans for the Medical Ward and got back to work on the co-fic she was planning with her new best friend.
"Lord of the Rings meets WrestleBox 2000 -- SLASH. NC-17. Illegal use of poodles. Perfect grammar and spelling. R&R."
A girl had to keep her priorities straight.
---------------------------------
Haven Medical Ward
----------------------------------
The floorplans flashed up on Lili's helmet. She broke into a jog, starting towards the staircase.
Suddenly the floor shook beneath her and she barely managed to stay up. This was not her thing. She would rather be anywhere else but there. As Lili pressed onwards, she spotted a warlock fleeing towards her. He recognized the LEP seal on her helmet and skidded to a halt.
"Corporal. What's going on? We're losing power-- the patients are terrified--"
"Medic, this is a Code Red emergency," Lili said with all the authority she could muster. "I need you to take me to Basement Six."
"That's a restricted area, what are you talking about, shouldn't we be evacuating?" the warlock asked, Gift-blue eyes full of total confusion. Lili had to fight to keep a flirty grin off her face. He was cute, if you liked blue. Blue hair, blue eyes, blue-gray skin.
"Medic... orders are orders. Let's go," she demanded.
Still looking confused, the warlock led her down the quivering stairs.
"Take me to Lab 42," Lili continued.
The warlock stopped dead and shook his head, something like terror sparking in those bright blue eyes. "I can't," he said firmly. "I'm not even supposed to be down here."
Lili couldn't help it, she dimpled up at him for a moment before remembering business.
"You can," she sighed, "And you will." With one smooth motion drew the modified human handgun from her belt. With another smooth motion, she completely lost her balance and dropped it. Lili cleared her throat as she picked up the gun and loaded the white beads of ammunition into it. "All right, cutie," she smiled. "Let's go. I don't want to ruin that pretty face if I don't have to."
The medic looked down at her blankly. "What--"
"Slow to catch on," Lili sighed. Regretfully, she pulled the trigger. The little white bead hit the warlock straight in the neck. He gave a sharp little cry, which Lili found adorable, and clapped his hand to the wound.
It should have healed instantly. Warlocks are possibly the most Gifted of the fairies. But when the medic pulled his hand away, drops of red blood stood out strangely against his dolphin-gray skin. The pain in his throat numbed and began to spread, seeming to drain him completely.
"Lab 42?" Lili prodded gently, an odd little smile on her bright red lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A REALLY LONG RANT WHICH YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO BOTHER READING BUT YOU CAN IF YOU REALLY REALLY WANT TO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Huge thanks to the cast of fans who unselfishly volunteered to do cameos! This was one of the hardest chapters to write, but also the funnest. (Yes, 'funnest' is a word. Because I said so.) To all of the people who volunteered, and for the others who offered their wonderful support, I offer a huge and heartfelt thanks. I am sorry if this chapter was a little disjointed, but it was also what -- 40 kbs? -- to make up for it.
Thanks to everyone, I am very well aware that Butler's first name is Domovoi. Damn that Colfer! Going behind my back again! Stealing all my ideas! I swear the man is spying on me! Maybe he's reading this to get ideas from... GO AWAY, EOIN COLFER! Stop stalking me!
Bob: O.O (Who's Colfer?)
Never mind, Bob... nothing to do with you. Well, anyway, mine was actually published first, so feh to him. Domovoi Jacques Butler. Because I said so. Maybe I'll get TEC for my birthday which is coming up... That would be cool.
Bob: ^_^ (I'm famous!)
Oh, yeah. Bob's famous! If you ever wanted to know who the rest of Bob's family are ... queenstheif's fic has all the answers. And if you want to know how Holly got Bob... Maiden Genisis has written a great fic about that. Plus, the Netherworld Flamingo has its own website, which is really pathetic so do not even bother visiting it. It's embarrassing. Instead, go find IntriKate's story "Tales from the Netherworld Flamingo" which is where Ivy the reporter comes from. So? Go read those! Because my next update may take a bit.
Bob: ^_____^ *waves fin* (I love my fans)
(Sigh...) Now look, he's getting a swelled head. Not that you'd notice...
PS The Original -- your email isn't working
Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
--------------------------------------
Chapter Ten: Where Angels Fear to Tread
"Everybody wants to rule the world.
It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world.
There's a room where the light won't find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I'll be right behind you.
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world."
--"Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears
===================================================================
Thanks to the great people who volunteered themselves and others for cameo roles. They are, in order of appearance,
Kitty Rainbow as................................. KITTY, Bartender
IntriKate (formerly spider-elf) as.......... IVY, Reporter/Journalist
Ophelia who is insane as.................... OPHELIA, Drinks Mixer
Maiden Genisis as.............................. MEL THORN, Chef
slime frog as....................................... BRYONY, Lead Vocalist, Waitress
Tie Kerl as.......................................... TIE, Guitarist, Fish Feeder, Parrot Expert
Crazygirly007 as.................................. Y'LIME, Guitarist, Waitress
(Her bogglefish Horatio as).................. HIMSELF, A Bogglefish
Nyghtvision as.................................... CASPIAN, Proprietor
Ophelia's Friend Leo as....................... HIMSELF, A Friend
The Original as .................................. GWYNETH, Happy Coffee-Drinking Girl
====================================================================
SCIENCE was the flare-prediction program that Foaly kept so jealously. Besides predicting to one-tenths of a second when the next deadly magma flare would occur, it controlled the thermal sensors in the chutes that in turn controlled the massive six-foot-thick doors. The massive six-foot-thick doors protected the chute terminal from the superheated magma.
Now all of SCIENCE was down and out for the proverbial count.
-----------------------------
Netherworld Flamingo
-----------------------------
Ivy the reporter looked around with raised eyebrows from her place at the bar. Chaos, sheer, inedible chaos, rocking and roller-blading in every direction as far as she could see. "On a Sunday night in July," she wrote on her pad, then thought better of it and crossed it out. She winced as the very unmusical voices of a renowned psychologist and an illustrious psychiatrist butchered the chords of a song on the karaoke stage. "... Apparently Doctors Cumulus and Argon have even larger egos than we thought," Ivy scribbled in the margins.
"It's mah OWN desiiiire.... it's mah OWN remorse... EVeryBOdy WANTS to RUle the World..." Cumulus and Argon caterwauled, while the band members behind them looked on with pained expressions on their faces.
"Who told the shrinks that they could sing?" muttered a gremlin, tapping the bartop with his fingernail. He blew a puff of smoke off his fungal cigarette and eyed his sandwich suspiciously. "Hey, you!" he shouted at a passing waitress.
The young female turned, her blonde hair swinging around her pointed ears. "Ophelia," she sighed, absently catching a Random Parrot as it fell out of the sky.
"Yeah, Ophelia. Why is my sandwich wiggling?" The gremlin pointed to his sandwich, which had grayish, writhing tentacles emerging from the crust. He prodded it carefully.
"Eee!" the sandwich protested. A tentacle reached up and slapped the gremlin in the face.
He looked at the waitress accusingly. "Is this some kind of joke?"
"That's our new Cuttlefish Burger," Ophelia said brightly, throwing the parrot back over her shoulder. "It's very popular with Atlantean tourists. As you can see..." the waitress continued, peeling off the top piece of bread, "The cuttlefish is very fresh ... and ... wriggling. Very healthy!" she enthused.
The tentacles reached up and felt around for the piece of bread. It covered itself with the bread, settled around until it felt comfortable, and went limp again.
"Everybody wants to rule the world..." the Singing Shrinks continued obliviously.
"How do I eat it?" the gremlin deadpanned, twitching his fungal cigarette.
Ophelia shrugged. "I don't know. I'm the drinks mixer. Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster?" she offered, holding up a smoking bottle of acid-green liquid.
"I want to talk to the chef," the gremlin growled. "I'm a respected LEPretrieval officer. You can't expect me to eat a live squid." He stubbed the cigarette out on the bartop and glowered at her, looking strangely like Julius Root.
Ophelia sighed and disappeared behind the kitchen doors, which were painted to resemble nothing on this earth. "Mel... there's a Code Yellow out on the bar..."
A few seconds later, an elf emerged, twirling a frying pan in her fingers. Her silver-streaked brown hair was held back in a ponytail, and her eyes were dangerous. "I've been told you insulted my cuttlefish!"
The gremlin pointed to the sandwich, which was slowly but steadily crawling off the plate. "It's alive."
"It's fresh!" the chef protested, stuffing the tentacles back under the crust. The sandwich squeaked in annoyance and curled up sulkily. "A fresh cuttlefish a day keeps away, um, hoof-and-mouth disease." She nodded emphatically, and the blue ribbon holding her ponytail was promptly stolen by a parrot.
"Kitty," Ivy called out in warning, looking up from her notepad. "Don't look now, but a sandwich is stalking you."
Kitty set down the hissing bottle of gurgling pink liquid that she was creating chemical reactions with. Stealthily, she peered out of the corners of her eyes. Dragging itself along by its tentacles, the sandwich crept closer and closer. "Only in the Netherworld," she announced as a tentacle snaked out from under the bread and swiped a bar coaster, tucking it under the bread with an air of triumph. Carefully she picked it up, ignoring the angry squeaks, and set it next to Mel.
There was a blindingly quick THWAP, and a startled squeak. The sandwich twitched once and then lay still. Mel smiled triumphantly, tossing the frying pan up in the air. "Enjoy your sandwich!" she encouraged, turning around and walking away. The frying pan fell neatly back into the elf's hands as she sauntered back into the kitchen.
The gremlin's mouth worked soundlessly for a few minutes. "Girls these days," he muttered finally.
Meanwhile, Ivy had been chucked out of the bar by an angry gang of dwarves, for reasons best left to the dwarves. The reporter sighed as she untaped a hole in the wall from the B'wa Kell invasion. She slipped back into the bar, taping the hole behind her. "There are other ways of skinning a swear toad..."
Up on the stage, the three staff members, who were also part-time band members, gave each other tired looks.
"I can't stand it anymore," Bryony announced, glaring at Dr. J. Argon. She was a small fairy with brightly colored hair and an unpredictable nature. Besides being a waitress, she was the lead vocalist, and wasn't too happy that some nasal-voiced quack had swiped her wireless microphone. "Are you guys ready?"
"Been ready," replied Tie, the electric guitarist, with an ever-so-slightly demented gleam in his blue eyes.
"Nothing ever lasts forever, everybody wants to rule the world..."
Y'lime, waitress and guitarist, leaned towards a nearby fishtank. "Horatio?"
The bogglefish stared back at her in astonishment. Strangely enough, the fish wore a red clown nose and a rainbow clown wig.
Y'lime nodded decisively, unstrapping her guitar. "We're ready."
The three band members leaped forward and tackled the singing psychiatrist.
"Tie, go get Joe!" Bryony screamed as she attempted to hold down the writhing fairy. The guitarist took off like a rocket into the crowd of People, who were all cheering and clapping as the psychiatrist screamed at the indignity.
Meanwhile, Caspian, the Random Owner, was giving CPR to a bird. One of the Random Parrots had flown into a glass squid, and now it wasn't breathing. She grabbed the limp parrot and ran into the kitchen, screaming. "Medical emergency! Let me through!"
Kitty ran out of the kitchen, screaming "Fire in the hole!"
Smoke poured out of the double doors. Caspian skidded into Kitty, fell against the door, and toppled backwards into the kitchen. Mel Thorn was beating out the flames with her frying pan, while Ophelia's friend Leo frantically tried to untangle an ancient fire hose that hung from the ceiling. Caspian staggered to her feet, dropping the parrot, and grabbed a large, wet squid that just happened to be lying on the counter. She began to beat the flames back with the squid.
Ivy skidded in, panting and clutching her notebook. The journalist took no notice of the flaming stove -- an angry mob of tunnel gnomes was on her tail. Ivy whipped open a nearby dishwasher, and hid inside.
Kitty charged back in with a gallon of glowing liquid and threw it over the fire.
WHOOMPH.
A moment later, the staff looked at the smoldering ruins of the stove with resigned looks. Kitty felt her eyebrows to make sure they weren't burned off. Leo stood entangled in several feet of fat yellow fire hose, looking slightly shell-shocked. Mel quickly dropped her red-hot frying pan into the sink, and a cloud of steam mingled with the odd-smelling purple smoke. Ivy opened the dishwasher, blinked, looked around, shrugged, and tiptoed back into the bar. Caspian looked pitifully at the burnt, limp squid in her hands.
"How do we explain this to the insurance company?"
"We don't HAVE an insurance company anymore, remember? They ditched us after the squirrel incident."
"A real disaster, that was."
"We did not give matches to the SQUIRREL," Mel reminded everyone. "We gave matches to the CHIPMUNK. You'd think they'd be a little more understanding."
Ophelia came in with a dinner order and raised a calm, unruffled eyebrow at the melted appliance, the weirdly purple smoke, and the smell of smoked squid. Her green eyes landed on her boyfriend. "Leo, what did you do?"
Her boyfriend shook his head slowly, staring at the lump of ashes, still not ready to speak.
Meanwhile, back at the bar...
Gwyneth, a regular customer and distant relative of Caspian's, was inhaling coffee at an amazing rate. Y'lime was on duty behind the bar, leaning on her elbows and staring in fascination as the auburn-haired elf added several packets of sugar to the muddy-looking black liquid and dropped in a coffee stirrer. Gwyneth pulled the stirrer out, noting its charred appearance, and the fact that it was partially eaten away, as if it had been dipped in acid. She nodded once. "Perfect."
Y'lime shrugged. "Drink fast. It's eating away at the cup." She ducked under the bar and pulled out a jar of aspirin, swallowing a few with a glass of straight grenadine. Dr. Argon's singing had given her a Class A migraine.
Her bogglefish, Horatio, gulped up at her with an expression of fishy disbelief. Y'lime smiled at her fish and offered him an aspirin. After much boggling (What IS that? Food? Grackle? Lawnmower?) Horatio accidentally ate it. The look on his face was priceless. A sort of scrunched-up, incredulous goggle.
This prompted Y'lime to hold his tank aloft and proclaim, in a Shakespeare-esque way, "There are more things on Heaven and Earth, Horatio..."
The fish gave her a clueless, yet worshipful look.
Somewhere by the dinner booths, Ivy was interviewing a member of the Atlantean Coucil, when the tunnel gnomes spotted her and she had to leap behind the nearest glowing squirrel statue. She burned a lot of calories when she was fleeing for her life, but it came with the territory.
Gwyneth finished her coffee and looked hopefully at Y'lime. However, the waitress had whipped out her guitar and was now composing a song on the spot about bogglefish. Taking a quick look around, Gwyneth vaulted over the bartop, swiping the coffeepot.
"You shouldn't do that, missy," the crusty gremlin snorted. "The bouncer'll have ya out like a swear toad on a hot tin roof."
Gwyneth settled her cats-eye glasses on her nose. "I'm the fifth cousin by re-marriage twice removed of the grandmother of the management's dad. Blood runs thicker than coffee."
"Girls these days," the gnome snorted, moving farther down the bar.
Bryony came pelting out of the staff room, holding her microphone. Her frog-bright hair was sprinkled with dazzlingly colored parrot feathers, giving her a psychedelic look. She took a few deep warm-up breaths and threw back her head. "HAPPY HOUR IS OVER!" she bellowed musically. Then she went into a nearby corner and hid there.
With sighs and grumblings, most of the customers got up and left, the more unsteady ones assisted by Joe the Bouncer. Trouble Kelp, Ivy and Gwyneth were the only ones who stayed. Gwyneth because she was having an animated conversation with Horatio about Fuzzy Math, whatever that was, Ivy because she was, well, Ivy, and Trouble because he was feeling depressed.
The Captain didn't want to go home -- precious little welcome there. He looked despondently at his new flyswatter and hoped Grub hadn't been eaten by a rampaging fungus. Then he sighed, remembering the usual state of Grub's bedroom, which bred mushrooms and molds like a biology experiment gone terribly wrong. The intelligent fungi would probably proclaim Grub their god, and would follow him around on their mushroomy feet, somewhat like the pagan pygmies in all those old Mud movies. Trouble laughed a little wildly and poked at his salad, which seemed to be built out of old lobster parts. It was delicious, but too strange looking to eat seriously.
"Trub, do you want Joe to take you home?" Kitty asked in some concern, leaning over his shoulder.
"No." He poked his salad and watched in absent interest as a carapace and a claw skidded off the plate.
"Well, can I take your salad away, then?" Kitty gently attempted to remove the plate, but pulled back her hands quickly as Trouble stabbed at it with his fork.
"No, that's okay. Can I have the usual again?"
"I don't know if that's a good idea," Kitty began, then ducked as Trouble lunged at his plate with the fork. Two legs and a lobster tail went flying past her pointed ear. She raised her hands in surrender and backed away slowly. "Right then."
The staff gathered around the emptied bar for their own amusement, except for Joe, who went underneath the stage and Lurked there. Ivy reappeared, settled down on a bar stool, and began organizing her notes -- a task made more difficult by the mated pair of Random Parrots who wanted to make a nest with the exciting-looking papers. Bryony lay across several bar stools, balancing a spoon on her pointed nose while drinking something strange through a long novelty straw. Y'lime slung her guitar over her shoulder and began teaching Horatio how to read Spanish. Horatio blinked and looked cross-eyed at the red clown nose on his snout. Gwyneth had found a pogo stick somewhere, and was pogo-ing around the bar.
Mel Thorn fed the fish in the massive wall tanks, staring at the bogglefish, muttering something about "Ketchup" and giggling quietly to herself. Ophelia and her friend Leo were cheerfully drinking each other under the table with Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters. Tie wandered around with a six-pack of Coke, staring off into space with a slightly rabid expression and occasionally nodding in a very evil way. And Caspian was attempting to resuscitate the Random Parrot. All in all, a normal, well-adjusted bunch of young fairies.
"That parrot is dead," Tie announced, looking over Caspian's shoulder.
"No he isn't, he's stunned!" Caspian protested, poking the bird in the chest.
"He's dead, Caspian. If he wasn't on the bartop he'd be pushing up daisies."
"He can't be dead..." Bryony sat up, the spoon flying off her nose. "He's probably very tired and shagged out following his stirring rendition of 'The Knights who say Ni.'"
"Look, Bry, I know a dead parrot when I see one," Tie contradicted, for the sheer sport of it. "I have a parrot, you know..."
"Is your parrot dead?" Gwyneth asked.
"Not currently."
"Well then how would you know?" Gwyneth finished happily.
"Because he's a very good actor," Tie said after a second. "There, I've run rings around you, logically."
"How do--"
"He's not dead!" Caspian protested.
Ivy gave up trying to put her notes together and clipped them shut in her binder. She glanced over at the Parrot and bit her lip. "It's... looking rather limp, Caspian."
Mel Thorn jumped up suddenly and ran into the kitchen. She returned with a nice specimen of cuttlefish. "Here, Random Parrot, I've got a lovely fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up!"
No answer. The parrot looked about as active as a dishrag. A very old, wet, limp dishrag.
"He'd make a very nice lawn decoration," Y'lime offered, feeding Horatio a piece of cracker.
"Perhaps he's drunk," Leo spoke up for the first time.
"Perhaps he's dead," Tie suggested optimistically, picking the bird up by one stiff foot. "..."
"There! Look! He moved!" Kitty said happily.
"No he didn't, that was you poking him."
"..." Tie continued.
Y'lime popped back up with "Oh, oh, I know! He's got epilepsy."
"That's insane..."
"No it isn't, it's crazy. There is a difference," Y'lime insisted.
Ivy nodded thoughtfully and wrote something down. No one was entirely sure why.
Ophelia came over and picked up the parrot. She tossed it into the air. Everyone watched it plummet to the floor. "Now that's what I call a dead parrot."
There was a strange grumbling, trembling noise, as if some giant was clearing their throat. Everyone looked up as the glass squid hanging from the ceiling shook back and forth.
"EARTHQUAKE!" screamed the Random Parrot, which had miraculously revived. There was no time for the staff to rejoice, for the power went out with a horrible snap, and the whole ground tilted beneath them.
"Didn't do it," somebody muttered sardonically before a beam collapsed.
--------------------------
Lower Elements
--------------------------
Not even the B'wa Kell Riots had taken such a toll on the city. Those out on the streets dashed for cover. Spitefully, the cover fell out onto the streets. The streets cracked and buckled and groaned, buildings trembled, windows broke.
The Standard Random Mother dashed past, clutching her Bundled-Up Baby and screaming.
In Downtown Haven, Spud's Spud Emporium trembled like a living creature. Underground buildings are usually anchored at both ends, with a foundation in the ground and supports to the vast underground sky of Haven. Spud's detached from the ceiling and listed crazily to the side, then buckled and simply fell apart. Panicked employees and customers dashed out onto the cracking streets, diving for shelter in all directions.
The Standard Random Mother dashed past again. "AAAAAH!"
The photo booth that had sheltered the Kelp brothers during the B'wa Kell invasion fell apart for the second time.
Miraculously, the Netherworld Flamingo was relatively unhurt.
Everything else was a disaster.
---------------------------------------
Shuttleport and Chute Terminal
---------------------------------------
The earth tremor knocked Holly to her hands and knees. She flipped to her feet and stared in horror. Through the massive, open chute doors, she could see a red glow approaching. Heat saturated her body. The ground shook. The pressure rose. A horribly familiar roar built up.
The doors were not closing.
Holly looked around frantically. The shuttleport was empty, as she had requested, except for one gnome. He stood blankly at his desk, staring at the column of approaching magma.
"COMMANDANT TERRYL!" she screamed, beckoning frantically. Without waiting to see if he was coming, Holly spun around and slapped Artemis out of his restraining harness. "Butler, get Artemis out of here! Intern! Snap out of it! We have to move!"
Butler, supremely calm in a crisis, picked up the mastermind like a small child, slipped out of the rental pod, and followed Holly. Janisha staggered to her feet and sprinted after them.
Holly's chest heaved as the heat made it harder and harder to breathe. The approaching flare would be upon them in a matter of seconds. The magma probably wouldn't make it past the doors, but there was always the problem of the killer heat. There were no coolant tanks here in the terminal, since the doors were supposed to protect it. And the doors remained stuck open... There was no way the group could escape the massive terminal in time... Oh, Frond, oh, Frond... No time...
"Holly?" Artemis's cool, clear voice broke through her frenzied thoughts. "Can you pick your way into one of these?" He flicked his pale fingers at the long lines of empty shuttles, eggs and pods that surrounded them. "With a fast vehicle, we could outrun it..."
Holly broke out into a wild grin. "So you are good for something, Mud Boy." She leaped forward, scanning the vehicles with frantic eyes. No time, no time... there! That was it!
A titanium LEP fighter pod, sleek and dangerous with a nose like a needle. Holly had no time to wonder what a military vehicle was doing in the terminal. The intense heat grew even worse. As she worked frantically at opening the door, the scorching metal burned her hands. Janisha sucked in a breath as the orange light of magma appeared in the door.
No time. No time...
Holly flung open the pod door. "GET IN!" she screamed at the group. Butler was the only one who reacted. He grabbed Artemis and the medic and flung them into the shuttle, leaping into the backseat. Holly looked around one last time. Commandant Terryl was nowhere to be seen.
Janisha could feel the heat searing her eyeballs. She and Holly would be all right. They were fairies, they would probably outlast the humans by a few minutes. But the oven had scorched Artemis's pale skin. Instinctively her hand went to the teen's shoulder, healing sparks springing to action even though her mind was still baking in the heat.
No time.
Holly leaped gracefully into the cockpit, pulling the blistering hot door closed. She slammed the control panel with her hand. "Computer, emergency override. Authorization Captain Short. Alpha omega one zero one. Start up... please..."
Holly gasped in pure relief as the shuttle hummed to life. There was no time for delicacy. She activated the bottom boosters and shot clear of the line of vehicles, slamming towards the terminal roof. Even in the titanium shuttle the heat was painfully intense.
The lava spilled and oozed. The ceiling cracked under the enormous pressure and heat.
No time.
Holly cracked a smile. Hey, she'd been flare riding since she had her license. This was her thing.
Plenty of time.
She switched on the air-conditioning to full blast.
The heat surged forward, distortting everything in its path. The air itself boiled. All moisture was stripped away. Silver's purple eyebrows shot up as her rental pod was blistered, cracked and melted by the sheer heat. "Oh, Frond," she muttered. Her hand reached up to clutch the Book that wasn't there. It was a comfort thing.
"Holly?" Butler questioned anxiously as the heat grew even more unbearable. It was a rather amusing sight to see Butler anxious. It was also rather amusing to see the way his massive frame filled in all the extra space in the back, with Artemis and Janisha squeezed into the last seat. "Shouldn't we be getting out of here?"
Her smile grew. This was easy stuff. "Aw, is the big nasty Butler scared of a little melted rock?" Holly thrust forward on the joystick and her passengers were flung against their seats. The fighter shuttle went from zero to ninety in an instant, the shuttleport blurring past incoherently. The G-forces pulled Holly's face back, an unsettling feeling.
Within seconds they had crossed the vast empty space of the terminal, and the huge front doors loomed ahead of them. Behind them crawled the massive ooze of lava, glowing a deep and menacing orange. It was the biggest flare she had ever seen. Lava didn't usually get that far.
Holly smirked. "I've always wanted to do this," she stated to no one in particular, leaning forward on the edge of her seat. The molded joystick thrummed comfortably in her hands. She concentrated the needle-like, diamond-tipped nose of the fighter on the center of the glass.
"Isn't that stuff rocketproof?" Silver squeaked, packed in between Artemis and the wall.
"Yep," Holly answered as if it didn't really bother her. She slammed on the boosters, and with a grin like a pyro in a fireworks shop, lifted a glass lid on the control panel. Underneath the lid was the Classical Big Red Button with DO NOT PRESS written next to it in big pleading letters.
"Why do they bother?" Holly asked rhetorically, pressing the button.
Artemis, squeezed between Butler and the medic, adjusted his safety harness and tried not to whimper.
There was a massive explosion, and twin rockets shot out of the torpedo bay of the shuttle. For an instant, they were caught between fire and fire. The rockets shot ahead, the magma roared behind. Holly gunned forward and burst through the weakened glass like a parakeet from a cannon.
The fighter shuttle hovered above the streets of Haven. It was like being in a canyon with the tall buildings rooted to the almost infinite underground ceiling. Artemis and Butler could do little but gape. After all, they had never seen it before.
They had made it.
Holly smirked again, turning back to face her pale, gaping passengers. "And that's why--"
CRRRAAAA-SCREEEEEECH------
A sudden earth tremor cut off her words. The office building next to them trembled and shook, pulling loose from its top anchoring. Holly wasted a nanosecond staring at it blankly. Then she flipped the fighter sideways and shot forward. The glass from breaking windows poured down around them like rain as the huge building pitched forward, looming over the fighter as if it was a great tidal wave breaking over a tiny little surfer. Office furniture flew out of the emptied windows and cascaded down towards the fighter shuttle.
Pens, desks, chairs, potted plants, computers, glow cubes, books, figuirines of random animals showered around them like a very strange and random rainfall. Thankfully, the building had been evacuated, as no pixies and gnomes were splattering down on the shuttle's main windows.
Holly was in her element. Flip to the side, avoid the potted petunias, dodge the I-beam, don't fly into the falling couch. It was weird but fun. She breezed out of harm's way as the building crashed and crumbled and collapsed behind them. She spun the fighter on a dime and smiled at the disaster she had just missed.
"-- I'm the best pilot they've got," Holly finished her sentence enthusiastically.
Artemis unbuckled himself and wriggled out with all possible dignity from between Silver and Butler. Like a prince ascending to his throne, he settled down in the co-pilot seat and strapped in with an air of finality. He'd be getting all of Holly's flygirl stunts up his nose, but at least he wouldn't be stuck in such an undignified position between the manservant and the medic. "You know, Holly, I could swear you're enjoying this."
"Oh, I am." Holly neatly turned the shuttle around. Above her, awful groans and creaks signified that another of Haven's proud and beautiful buildings was going to collapse. "The flying part," she added quickly. "Not the destruction." She gunned forward and out of the path of the next disaster.
"What's happening?" Janisha spoke up suddenly, folding her arms across her chest.
"Apparently your flare sensors have been disabled," Artemis answered her. He was unable to keep the condescending tone out of his voice. "The tremors are most likely occuring because Haven's bedrock is expanding with the heat."
"They shouldn't," Holly frowned. "We have all kinds of preventions. Electronic sensors, internal gyroscopes, deep-set automatic coolant tanks, balancer fields..."
"Most of which were electronic? Easy to override."
"Override?" Holly's voice rose. "What do you mean, override?"
Artemis sighed, as if he couldn't believe the preschoolers he was putting up with. "Has your equipment shown any signs of malfunction? Haven't you weathered several flares a day for centuries? Don't you think Foaly would have noticed if vital programs were disconnected?"
"He would have noticed if somebody hacked into them!" Holly shouted, leaning towards him aggressively.
"A hacker with enough intelligence to break into the system would most likely know enough to cover their tracks!" Artemis snapped, leaning forward as well. They were practically forehead to forehead.
Butler and the medic glanced rapidly back and forth between the arguers as the conversation up front escalated into an argument. Holly gritted her teeth. "And how do you figure this? Are you the hacker? I thought you reformed but I wouldn't put it past you."
"And let myself be caught in the flare? Brilliant deduction, Holly. Why, it would have taken me all of half a microsecond to completely discard that idea. Your grasp of logic is truly--"
Artemis never saw it coming. Holly drew back her fist and socked him mightily between the eyes. Enraged, Butler lunged forward, forgetting his safety harness. It snapped him back, but he caught Holly's hand. "Captain Short--"
"He deserved it, though, didn't he?"
Butler thought about it and relaxed, giving her back her fist. He kept the stern look on his face. After all, Artemis Fowl was his charge. "Yes, but that's no reason to -- you can't just-- I can't let you -- is that the second time you've done that to him?"
"Third, I believe." Holly looked at her fist, and back at the stunned Artemis. "He brings out the worst in me."
"I don't think your worst is so bad," Artemis said with a dazed, completely uncharacteristic grin.
"You know, when he's half knocked out, he looks like a normal kid," Silver chipped in. She held out her index finger and touched the huge, nasty, lump and bruise forming between his eyes. When she pulled it away, Artemis looked himself again. Cool, unemotional, and vaguely annoyed.
Janisha held her hand towards Butler. "You've got some scorching from the heat. I can take care of it, or you can keep suffering in silence," she offered.
"So. Who do you think took over our system?" Holly asked as if nothing had happened. She palmed the shuttle a little closer to the ceiling and let it hover.
"Not necessarily the whole system. Perhaps a few key components." Artemis gestured around the damaged city. "My guess, of course, is the same person that tried to do the same thing a while ago. Opal Koboi. Yet there are some strange things about this whole scenario." He dropped his hands to his lap and looked out the opposite window, leaving Holly staring at the back of his head.
"Great," she muttered after a minute. Apparently her famed Holly Short Stare of Death was not actually physically penetrative.
She kicked the speed into full throttle, throwing her passengers back into their seats. "I think our next stop should be Foaly's little domain."
---------------------------------
"Foaly's Little Domain"
Police Plaza
---------------------------------
"Gih! Ganyping!" The centaur galloped around madly, gibbering, flailing, and doing everything short of frothing at the mouth. "Gnabsnash! Yurtl! Gih hibbity GNAAAH!" He charged at an abandoned desk, wheeled around, and gave it a shattering blow with his back hooves. "Jheeby jheeby jhiv..." He collapsed in a tangle of hooves and legs and arms, cradled his head, and had a small breakdown.
The LEP Headquarters had recently been triple-reinforced, so that in times of trouble and strife, it could become a sort of fortress. It had stayed intact, and the tremors had done minimal damage. A few lamps were broken, an Atlantean Bogglefish belonging to a Recon officer died of a heart attack, and a small espresso machine had, for reasons unknown, self-destructed.
However, the suicide of the espresso machine was not what was driving Foaly - literally- up the wall.
It was the fact that someone had foiled him again, and he couldn't do anything about it.
-------------------------------
Streets of Haven
-------------------------------
"There. Go," Takaban told his headset. Some distance away, Corporal Lili Frond nodded and smoothed her uniform over her hips. She pulled back her curls and took a deep breath.
"I can do this. I am supreme. I am confident. I am a Frond." Reciting mantras under her breath, Lili slipped through the crowded streets, dodging terrified fairies who were fleeing their ruined homes, screaming, milling about, and generally getting in the way. Standard Civilian Behavior, Chapter Six, Paragraph One, How to React in the Event of Disaster. Here and there an LEP officer was frantically directing civilians into reinforced buildings. Lili kept her head down so she wouldn't be recognized.
The Random Mother bolted past, almost running Lili down. She clutched her baby to her chest and screamed. "AAAAAHH!"
Lili blinked and kept going.
The Medical Ward was on Police Plaza, and the security was tight. However, no one was present to enforce it. Alarms were going off everywhere as buildings trembled and shook, and the LEP were busy with other things. Lili pulled out her buzz baton and crashed it against a first floor window. Immediately, a whooping siren sounded, and was lost in the din. The blonde corporal heaved herself through the windowsill, broken glass crunching underfoot.
"I'm in, sir," she said into her helmet.
-----------------------------------
Howler's Peak
-----------------------------------
Opal growled in annoyance as an IM popped up on her computer. She sent off the floorplans for the Medical Ward and got back to work on the co-fic she was planning with her new best friend.
"Lord of the Rings meets WrestleBox 2000 -- SLASH. NC-17. Illegal use of poodles. Perfect grammar and spelling. R&R."
A girl had to keep her priorities straight.
---------------------------------
Haven Medical Ward
----------------------------------
The floorplans flashed up on Lili's helmet. She broke into a jog, starting towards the staircase.
Suddenly the floor shook beneath her and she barely managed to stay up. This was not her thing. She would rather be anywhere else but there. As Lili pressed onwards, she spotted a warlock fleeing towards her. He recognized the LEP seal on her helmet and skidded to a halt.
"Corporal. What's going on? We're losing power-- the patients are terrified--"
"Medic, this is a Code Red emergency," Lili said with all the authority she could muster. "I need you to take me to Basement Six."
"That's a restricted area, what are you talking about, shouldn't we be evacuating?" the warlock asked, Gift-blue eyes full of total confusion. Lili had to fight to keep a flirty grin off her face. He was cute, if you liked blue. Blue hair, blue eyes, blue-gray skin.
"Medic... orders are orders. Let's go," she demanded.
Still looking confused, the warlock led her down the quivering stairs.
"Take me to Lab 42," Lili continued.
The warlock stopped dead and shook his head, something like terror sparking in those bright blue eyes. "I can't," he said firmly. "I'm not even supposed to be down here."
Lili couldn't help it, she dimpled up at him for a moment before remembering business.
"You can," she sighed, "And you will." With one smooth motion drew the modified human handgun from her belt. With another smooth motion, she completely lost her balance and dropped it. Lili cleared her throat as she picked up the gun and loaded the white beads of ammunition into it. "All right, cutie," she smiled. "Let's go. I don't want to ruin that pretty face if I don't have to."
The medic looked down at her blankly. "What--"
"Slow to catch on," Lili sighed. Regretfully, she pulled the trigger. The little white bead hit the warlock straight in the neck. He gave a sharp little cry, which Lili found adorable, and clapped his hand to the wound.
It should have healed instantly. Warlocks are possibly the most Gifted of the fairies. But when the medic pulled his hand away, drops of red blood stood out strangely against his dolphin-gray skin. The pain in his throat numbed and began to spread, seeming to drain him completely.
"Lab 42?" Lili prodded gently, an odd little smile on her bright red lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A REALLY LONG RANT WHICH YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO BOTHER READING BUT YOU CAN IF YOU REALLY REALLY WANT TO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Huge thanks to the cast of fans who unselfishly volunteered to do cameos! This was one of the hardest chapters to write, but also the funnest. (Yes, 'funnest' is a word. Because I said so.) To all of the people who volunteered, and for the others who offered their wonderful support, I offer a huge and heartfelt thanks. I am sorry if this chapter was a little disjointed, but it was also what -- 40 kbs? -- to make up for it.
Thanks to everyone, I am very well aware that Butler's first name is Domovoi. Damn that Colfer! Going behind my back again! Stealing all my ideas! I swear the man is spying on me! Maybe he's reading this to get ideas from... GO AWAY, EOIN COLFER! Stop stalking me!
Bob: O.O (Who's Colfer?)
Never mind, Bob... nothing to do with you. Well, anyway, mine was actually published first, so feh to him. Domovoi Jacques Butler. Because I said so. Maybe I'll get TEC for my birthday which is coming up... That would be cool.
Bob: ^_^ (I'm famous!)
Oh, yeah. Bob's famous! If you ever wanted to know who the rest of Bob's family are ... queenstheif's fic has all the answers. And if you want to know how Holly got Bob... Maiden Genisis has written a great fic about that. Plus, the Netherworld Flamingo has its own website, which is really pathetic so do not even bother visiting it. It's embarrassing. Instead, go find IntriKate's story "Tales from the Netherworld Flamingo" which is where Ivy the reporter comes from. So? Go read those! Because my next update may take a bit.
Bob: ^_____^ *waves fin* (I love my fans)
(Sigh...) Now look, he's getting a swelled head. Not that you'd notice...
PS The Original -- your email isn't working