----------------------------
Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
-----------------------------
Chapter Eleven: Je Suis Triste
"Put Artemis Fowl and Holly Short togetber in a room, and sooner or later there was bound to be a fight." -- "Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code"
"Here we are now going to the west side
Weapons in hand as we go for a ride
Some may come and some may stay
Watching out for a sunny day where there's
Love and darkness and my sidearm
Hey, élan, élan."
"South Side," by Moby
===============================================================
Warnings to Impressionable Readers: Earthquakes, Grub Kelp and Vice Corporal Fallacy, Wrenchingly Suspenseful Bob Scene, Foaly Referred to as Man-Slut, Tchaikovsky, Sentient Yellow Mushroom.
===============================================================
Disclaimer: For my birthday, I did indeed receive "The Eternity Code." And I loved it. I overlooked the vaguely depressing ending because now, for the very first time, I own Artemis Fowl. He lives in my bookcase. Sometimes I feed him.
Also, I now have a genuine passport to the Lower Elements! *Holds it up, angels sing proudly*
And lastly, blue-boy Rowen is uncreatively stolen from an anime. First person to guess the right one gets a free milkshake after the earthquake...
*Hint:* The anime has an annoying character called Yulie.
=========================================
------------------------
Lower Elements
------------------------
Picking up effortlessly from when we last left off...
"Holly, I'm sure that sign was there for a reason," Janisha offered from the back seat. Holly's eyes narrowed as she slammed the shuttle down a narrow alley, sparks flying from the wingtips as they scraped against the buildings.
"Oh D'Arvit with the bloody signs. They're like those damn magnastrips. So repressive," Holly seethed to herself. She didn't trust herself to say anything aloud just yet. She was in a foul mood, brought on by a moody Fowl. (Believe it or not, the pun was intentional.) Artemis stared huffily out the window and hummed something annoying by Tchaikovsky. Holly had never liked Tchaikovsky.
This was why Holly hadn't bothered to keep in touch with Fowl. He had always had this infuriating way of acting so calm and superior no matter the situation. It had saved her life a few times, but she had always found it vaguely annoying.
And now there was the slightest change in attitude about him. Mud Boy had become a Mud Teen. There was little improvement. Bloody moody teenagers. Holly conveniently forgot her own wild 'tween' years and lapsed into a period of angry sulking.
The atmosphere in the flyer was strained. Holly and Artemis pretended not to acknowledge each other's very existence. Butler sat in the back seat, not speaking either. He had no reason to say anything, but he looked tensely alert as usual. Then again, it was impossible not to be at the speeds Holly was driving. She tended to channel her emotions into genuine road rage. Emotional creatures, elves. Especially the females.
Butler was also attempting to ignore the small, bony warlock imbedded in his side. Silver had resigned herself to her fate, occasionally offering sardonic flying advice that went largely ignored. She was decidedly uncomfortable, trapped between the infamous Butler and Fowl, with the wildcard of the LEP driving.
The shuttle performed a physically impossible wraparound turn around a large statue of Frond. Silver closed her eyes and turned up the headset of the music player she was listening to. This was why flying was outlawed underground.
Holly tapped the touch-screen control panel and opened the energy sensor screen. She wanted to see how far the lava's heat had spread.
Dying heatspill showed up orange around the terminal and a few surrounding buildings. But that wasn't what shocked Holly. She was surprised to see that the tiny pinpoints of heat on the highways -- the nuclear batteries of cars and trucks -- were fading.
Artemis decided to speak. "Unless I am very much mistaken--"
The power went out.
"Yes, Artemis?" Holly asked pleasantly.
The emergency lights flickered on, glowing a dim blue.
"-- A lockdown is the next logical step," Artemis finished, copying her Sweet n' Low tone.
(I hate Sweet 'n' Low. Artificial sugar is the bane of the light.)
The flyer, being an LEP craft, had a residual power source. It automatically cut off all unnecessary power-- extra lighting, music player (Janisha sighed as the faint strains of "Dirrrty Dwarf" died down) and air conditioner. The control panel gave off a muted, eerie glow. Two small icons appeared in the lower corner. One was shaped like a clock; one was shaped like a quill.
Artemis reached in front of Holly and tapped the clock. The icon enlarged to show a small screen. "Auxiliary Battery Power: 28 HRS." He closed the window and reached for the quill icon.
Holly swatted his slender hand away. "Beat it, Fowl," she warned. She didn't want him reading the message, didn't know what possibly valuable information it could contain.
Artemis gave her an antagonistic look. "I'm the co-pilot. The job of the co-pilot is--"
"Let. It. Alone." This time, the famed Holly Short Stare of Death did its work. The slightest hint of mesmer in her tone didn't hurt either. Artemis held her gaze for a record of three seconds before turning away nonchalantly and starting up the Tchaikovsky again.
Holly opened the message herself, giving the back of Artemis's head several scathingly dirty looks as she huddled protectively over the screen. The Tchaikovsky grew louder and more dramatic, Artemis's cultured equivalent of sticking his fingers up his ears and going "Laa-laa-la, I can't hear you!"
"Damn, I hate Tchaikovsky!" Holly finally snapped. She made it sound as casual as possible, as if she was just randomly stating a fact to thin air -- because, of course, Artemis didn't exist.
The music of the Russian Master only grew louder, because, of course, Holly didn't exist.
"Bloody teenagers," Holly said loudly to the world in general.
Artemis began to make little conducting motions with his fingertips as the classical music got louder.
Silver had to snerk. She couldn't help it. Unbelievably, Butler was very quietly sniggering as well, hiding it behind a copy of "Guns and Ammo" that he'd apparently brought with him. How amusingly immature and out of character. Janisha filed it away for future reference.
And because of the music, and the snickers coming from the Peanut Gallery in the back, and the painfully hot flush of blood rushing to her face and up to the very points of her ears until she felt redder than Root, Holly forgot about opening the message. Scowling, she slammed so hard on the thruster that Artemis almost went through the windshield, and began to give the group an unnecessarily terrifying ride.
----------------------------
Grub & Trub's New, Mold-Ridden Apartment
----------------------------
The massive earthquakes rocking the underground city had actually woken the younger Kelp up. He sat up in bed, shouting wildly. "I never, Mum, it was all Fallacy! ... Mum?"
A landslide occurred as another, smaller form emerged from beneath a mushroom-encrusted shower curtain. The fairy under it looked around with bloodshot hyper-green eyes. "Dude! 'S Armageddon."
Vice Corporal Yulie Fallacy had come over to help his pal get settled into the new apartment, since Trouble was working overtime. So the pixie-sprite was put in charge of stuffing the furniture into the dank apartment, while Grub beat back the larger life forms with an old mop so the stuff would fit.
However, fifteen minutes into the chore, 'moving furniture' had been ditched for something more fun. Namely, 'order potentially lethal drinks from the Netherworld Flamingo and make fun of human soap operas until we end up in a stupor.' The half-breed and the elf had dutifully sugared themselves into an incredible stupor, and were only snapped out of it by the larger earthquakes.
Another earth tremor rocked the building, and the lights blinked out. Grub grabbed onto an exceptionally large yellow fungus to steady himself. Swear toads scampered for cover in all directions, cursing like sailors. Cockroaches flooded out of the woodwork in greasy black streams, vanishing out of the shattered windows.
Fallacy staggered upright and looked around crazily. "Dude, is this like one of those things?"
Grub's eyes were just as wide. "I dunno. What kind of things?"
"Dude--" And the building shook again. "Ground-shaky things."
"Earthquake things?" Grub offered profoundly, clinging to his fungus. (Of the pair, he was quieter, smarter and more mature. Fallacy was the crazed, whiny, hyperactive one. You really had to feel sorry for the LEP.)
"Yeah, yeah!" Fallacy jumped up and down in excitement and was promptly thrown against a wall. He unpeeled himself from the soiled wallpaper and looked around suspiciously. "D'ya think so?"
Grub thought about it. "Yeah."
"Yeah, dude."
"I am so going to file a complaint," Grub announced.
They hung on to the nearest non-moving surfaces as the world shook again.
"So what do we do?" Fallacy asked next.
Grub plotted, his fingers sinking deeper into the mushroom. "Hey Fallacy..." he paused for dramatic effect.
"What?" Grub continued to pause dramatically. "Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat?" the half-breed screamed, his milliseconds of patience gone.
"Now is our time to be heroes!" Grub declared, attempting to make a grand, sweeping gesture with his left hand.
Unfortunately, the large yellow mushroom wouldn't let him have it back.
-----------------------------
Holly's Apartment
-----------------------------
Bob had just had the Surprise of his Life.
Grackles, ceilings, grapefruit and seaweed were all promptly forgotten. (Not that it took much.) Bob's World Moved. His huge eyes slid from side to side, watching the World slide past. Everything was wrong. Everything was surprising.
The fish tank began to slip off the cabinet. With every dying tremor, it inched a little closer to the edge. Finally, agonizingly, it balanced on the rim of the table.
Bob floated up and down, holding his breath in suspense. Whether or not a bogglefish can hold their breath or not is an unimportant fact. Maybe they close their gills.
Bob held his breath, his fishy cheeks full of air. The tank wobbled dangerously back and forth, water sloshing around inside it. The slightest touch would push it over the edge.
Bob began to turn red from holding his breath. His cheeks bulged, and his eyes popped unbelievably.
The tank loomed over the edge of the table. Bob narrowly avoided a stroke. He began to turn red all over, his eyes bigger than laser disks. So much air was trapped in his body that he began to float upwards, like an over inflated balloon.
Then his World steadied.
Bob sighed in utter relief, deflating and sinking back into the water. A huge stream of bubbles escaped from his mouth and floated up to the surface.
And the tank fell off the cabinet.
----------------------------
Foaly's Little Domain
----------------------------
The centaur rocked back and forth, whimpering slightly and stuffing macaroni and cheese into his mouth. Comfort food. His left hand rested limply on a keyboard, typing listlessly, as if it was a separate creature.
Apparently Opal Koboi was not masterminding the lockdown; surveillance footage showed her to be peaceably building a pillow fort out of her prison-issue mattress and blanket. It might be interesting to note that she was singing, in a high-pitched off-key little-girl voice, "In Pixieland I'll take my stand, to live and die in Pixiiieee..." Her voice sounded tinny and garbled through the bad connection and low-quality camera.
Demented, yes, and possibly something for the psychologists to ponder, but nothing actively malicious. It was actually kind of amusing, in a pathetic way.
Foaly looked up from his macaroni in cheese. Whoa. Flashback. Somewhat sheepishly, he remembered what he'd been doing when Opal Koboi had imprisoned _him._
(The author is completely and totally aware that you know what happened in the Arctic Incident. But because the author can never be accused of acting in what society deems a normal and rational way, she has decided to inflict yet another quickie plot summary on you. Her theory being, if Eoin Colfer does it, so can she.)
For the camera, he'd been sobbing and chucking stuff in all directions, to draw attention from what he was really doing -- sending a message to Artemis Fowl.
"Away, away, away down south in Pixie..."
Foaly doubted that Opal was secretly sending a message to Artemis Fowl. After all, she barely knew he existed. He watched through slitted eyes as the pixie somehow found fault with her fort. She dismantled the whole thing and began putting it back together, this time using the wall as a support. There was absorption in every line of her tiny body, eyes focused only on her task. And Foaly grudgingly had to admit that she was making very nice forts, with a lot of planning and concentration going into getting the blanket the exact level of tautness and the pillow perfectly balanced on its side. It certainly didn't look like she was doing anything criminal.
"For my Pixiiiiiiee..."
And Opal probably wouldn't be doing anything criminal as long as she was in that cell. Not even the cameras could be tampered with. Not after a few enterprising prisoners, discovering they couldn't disable, burn or break the cameras, had covered the lenses with blankets, smoke, chewing gum, or... droppings. (The last prisoner was indeed a dwarf.) New cameras were set into the wall behind inch-thick frictionless glass.
Foaly sighed and turned away from the screen. They were in the middle of a lockdown, he couldn't afford to waste precious time on a manic pixie and her pillow fort.
--------------------------------
Howler's Peak
--------------------------------
"To live or die in Piiixiiieee!"
Opal finished the last notes of her improvised song as she clambered inside her pillow fort, pulling the blanket down so that she was completely hidden. Silly, Silly Foaly. She was going to write a particularly degrading version of him into a juicy slashfic she was planning. Pulling open the pillow with her fingernails, she pulled out her laptop and fired up the instant messaging.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: You on, my girl?
LotrHotFangirl: Yep.
LotrHotFangirl: I got kicked off the site, though. I'm changing my username.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: To something good this time!
LotrHotFangirl: Shut up. My new username is JadePrincess.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: ... How stereotypically lame...
LotrHotFangirl: Shut up!
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: Fine, find, my lame friend. Did you write your part of the chapter yet?
LotrHotFangirl: Here it is
attachments: MAB.doc
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: BTW, I've had an idea. How about we add a centaur to our Fic of Evil?
LotrHotFangirl: A centaur? I dunno. Doesn't sound like Lord of the Rings.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: It'll work. Trust me.
LotrHotFangirl: *shrug* Still keeping it slash?
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: Why not? All right, so the centaur is this really stupid ugly bucktoothed man-slut, who thinks he's such a hot stud horse, like this major pony, but let me tell you he's not...
----------------------------
Streets of Haven
----------------------------
Lili Frond tucked the tiny vial into her bra. For all you males out there blinking cluelessly, it's the safest place to put something small that you don't want stolen. Lili couldn't take a chance that someone might try to pick her pockets on the way out. With the LEP in full 'freakout' mode, looters and vandals were getting a rare holiday.
Lili looked down at the tall figure of the warlock sprawled out on the floor. His symptoms were similar to the red-headed pyro she'd blasted earlier. His breathing sounded oddly strained, and his blood darkened strangely as it trickled down his neck.
The elf knelt down, brushing back blonde curls so they wouldn't touch the blood, and kissed him gently on the temple, leaving a mark of bright crimson lipstick. Then she rifled his pockets, swiping his membership card to the laser disk rental store (she'd been banned for life, but that's a different story) and his medic's ID.
"Ah, so your name is Rowen. Cute." Lili slid the ID into the reader and walked out of Lab 42. Using the card, she exited the hospital freely, bracing herself against the odd tremors.
The streets outside were illuminated by an eerie blue glow from the emergency lighting. Only a few fairies were left outside; the LEP had escorted the rest into civilian shelters to wait it out. Now goblin gangs were running amok with chairs and eggbeaters, cackling and breaking windows.
Lili stalked imperiously past a group of goblins, her chin held high and haughty. She was an elf, a member of the LEP, a Frond, and a blonde bombshell. Ultimately a vastly superior being. Especially when compared to the scaly, dirty lowlifes that surrounded her.
She was extremely surprised when her path was cut off by a hulky goblin with pierced eyelids. An act of stupidity which would have instantly earned him a promotion if the B'wa Kell hadn't been disbanded. Lili didn't even bother trying to keep the disgusted sneer off her face. "What do you want, goblin?"
There was an outbreak of insanely annoying laughter from all sides. Lili turned, realizing that she was trapped in a circle of scaled hides, flaming blue breath, and not one brain cell to spare between them. Her hand went to the gun holster at her belt. "Well, what do you want?" she demanded.
The circle fell silent as all the goblins looked at each other quizzically. "Ya, whadda we want?"
"Eh, um..."
"Heh."
"Ya."
"Money?" one gang member ventured.
"Money!" the leader approved.
"Moneymoneymoneymoney!" the goblins cheered, pleased with themselves.
Lili waited for the noise to die down, her sneer widening. "I'm not giving you money."
"Huh?"
"Now get out of my way before I shoot you."
The head goblin blinked and licked his eyeballs. Apparently he had pierced his tongue, too. "Uh... you can't do that."
"Watch me," Lili purred.
"No, you can't do that, because..." The goblin gaped, thinking painfully.
"Ya can't shoot a gun..." A particularly brilliant goblin continued, then trailed off in confusion.
"... durin' a lockdown," the leader finished triumphantly.
"Yeah! Yeah! Take that, elf!" the others cheered in perfect unison.
"I can't shoot an LEP gun, that's true. But what about this one?" Lili pulled the human gun from her holster.
As one being of infinitely low intelligence, the goblins blinked. "Wha?"
"Ah, that's nothin'," the leader snorted. "We can still take one snotty little elf."
"Yeah. Who does she think she is?" the particularly brilliant goblin snarled, whipping out a fireball.
"Stupid elves. They think they're so great and all. Think they're so much better than anyone else."
"Well, we are," Lili told him calmly. "As a whole, we are more intelligent than the rest of you. Frond was an elf. I am an elf. Ninety-four percent of all LEP officers are elves. So are the Council members. The rest of you are simply minorities."
The jaws of the goblins dropped to the street. They didn't even bother picking them back up. Still gaping, the leader turned to the brilliant one. "Is she insultin' us?"
"She sure is, Cap'n. Right in front of us and all."
"That's pretty stupid."
"Yeah, that's really stupid of 'er."
"Ya."
The leader summoned a fireball in his palm and held it out to throw. Lili shot him in the nose. The tiny ivory pellet sent shockwaves through his body, dousing the flame in his claws. The goblin jerked and fell over backward.
"Ey, she shot Soda!"
"Argh."
"Get her!"
The goblins piled forward in a writhing, fiery mass. Lili stood in disbelief, unable to comprehend that they would actually attack her. Then she screamed as a fireball singed through her suit.
"Hey! Goblin dudes! Like, over here!"
"Egh?" The gang looked up to see two fairies running towards them. Well, running is a general term. The magenta-haired elf had a bright yellow mushroom wrapped lovingly around his leg, and he was dragging it along. The other fairy had the perilous look of a pixie and the green skin and large wings of a sprite, and he was flying along in a hyperactive fashion, like a hummingbird on drugs, slamming into buildings.
"Whee, lookit the pretty colors," the halfbreed chirped, falling to the street and kicking helplessly. "Get'em, Grub-man..."
With some difficulty, Grub unwrapped the struggling fungus from his leg. He flung it at a random goblin. Instantly the yellow mushroom made happy crooning noises and attached itself to the goblin's head.
The rest of the gang looked at each other. Then, cackling like teenage girls who were given money and told to go amuse themselves, they galloped forth with all insanity.
Grub froze. "Ohshite."
Lili staggered to her feet and ran like (insert metaphor here.)
"Moooom!" Grub was pinned against a building, looking terrified. The newly elected lead goblin threw a fireball at him, which soared over his head and scorched the bricks. Grub somehow managed a weak smile. "Missed me."
"Neeaagh!" Furious, the goblin lunged forward, grabbed the smaller fairy by the shoulders, and started beating him against the wall.
Yulie Fallacy attempted to go to his buddy's aid. He staggered to his feet but stopped in horror. Its wings aflame, breathing fire from its clashing beak, the giant grackle swooped upon him from above.
Fallacy grabbed a stick that just happened to be lying there. Desperately, he beat the savage flaming grackle away from his head. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that snatch!"
Lili looked back over her shoulder as she fled. The elf who had saved her was quite possibly in mortal danger. His crazed halfbreed friend was wildly beating at thin air with an imaginary stick. Feeling some sympathy, Lili took aim and gunned down a few goblins before dashing into the terminal.
One vehicle had not been destroyed by the heat. Scratched into the paint were tiny letters that read, "TOOTH FAIRY." Lili jumped into her specially prepared vehicle and slammed on the throttle.
Meanwhile, Grub was being smacked around by yet another goblin. "Who's yo mama? Who's yo mama?"
"Ma Kelp?" Grub squeaked when he could breathe.
"Oh." The goblin looked around nervously, dropped him, and ran away into an alley.
Fallacy took another swipe at the giant flaming grackle. It snickered at him and offered him a chance to join the Dark Side. "Aaah! Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Get away from meee!"
------------------------------
Holly's Apartment
------------------------------
The bogglefish floated on the surface of the water. A large crack had appeared in the tank, cutting it down the middle. A thin but steady stream of vitamin-tinted water trickled out of it, staining the already hassled carpet.
The bogglefish twitched and opened a pair of enormous round eyes. It looked around in goggling, all-consuming astonishment.
Several thoughts crowded into the fish's tiny brain. Then its tiny brain short-circuited, completely overloaded. While the brain put itself on hold and attempted to reassemble itself, it played a nice little screensaver. The fish watched the screensaver blissfully, and wondered what the meaning of life was.
And then it came to the fish.
The meaning of life was 42.
The fish was very pleased with this, and decided to tackle the next big question.
What am I doing here?
The fish thought it had something to do with a gigantic, pointy-eared creature with hazel eyes and red hair. Then it thought a single word: "Elliptic." The fish existed because of an Elliptic. It looked up at the ceiling. Food, it thought. Then it wondered what food was. One big question at a time.
Why does my head hurt? the fish wondered. It tried swimming into the wall of the tank. It bumped its nose. It was satisfied.
Who am I?
The fish was quite shocked to realize that it didn't know.
It bumped into the wall again, which surprised it. It suddenly wondered why there was less water in the tank than usual. The fish's brain froze -- Tank? What tank?
The fish blinked at the large crack in the tank. No name. No food. No Elliptic. And the water was disappearing.
========================
Will someone save amnesiac Bob before he runs out of water?
Will the Tooth Fairy walk again?
Will Holly slap Artemis?
Will Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale and JadePrincess be kicked off the site?
What is Elliptic?
Will Grub and Fallacy get out of thier fix?
Will you figure out where I kidnapped Rowen from?
Will I finally find it in me to write the next chapter?
The astounding answers when we return.
"Je suis triste" means "I am sad" in French. And I am sad. For many reasons. I've gotten a year older, (still can't drive though, neh!) and am undergoing the process of moving. I suddenly think Foaly might be gay, which interferes with shipping. I have to be put temporarily in a high school at the new house, to get to know the community. (We homeschool, and Mom thinks I should get to know 'normal' kids for a while.) Butler died. Due to a culmination of Ordinary Teenage Angst (TM) I had a small mental breakdown a few weeks ago, which inspired me to work towards a major in psychology. (I have a weird mind.) Butler got resurrected. Several fish died. Butler got old, which interferes with shipping. We closed on the house -- on my birthday. Although I snuggle "The Eternity Code," it has completely screwed up my plans for the sequel I was thinking of, which probably won't come about now. I have sudden bouts of feeling worthless and not funny anymore, during which I read your reviews and demand to know why the hell you guys are still reading this. (Sniff. You're loved.) I'm leaving my oldest friend behind. Artemis got mindwiped. My muse committed suicide. I know how to end this story, but can't get there from here.
Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil.
... je suis triste.
Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
-----------------------------
Chapter Eleven: Je Suis Triste
"Put Artemis Fowl and Holly Short togetber in a room, and sooner or later there was bound to be a fight." -- "Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code"
"Here we are now going to the west side
Weapons in hand as we go for a ride
Some may come and some may stay
Watching out for a sunny day where there's
Love and darkness and my sidearm
Hey, élan, élan."
"South Side," by Moby
===============================================================
Warnings to Impressionable Readers: Earthquakes, Grub Kelp and Vice Corporal Fallacy, Wrenchingly Suspenseful Bob Scene, Foaly Referred to as Man-Slut, Tchaikovsky, Sentient Yellow Mushroom.
===============================================================
Disclaimer: For my birthday, I did indeed receive "The Eternity Code." And I loved it. I overlooked the vaguely depressing ending because now, for the very first time, I own Artemis Fowl. He lives in my bookcase. Sometimes I feed him.
Also, I now have a genuine passport to the Lower Elements! *Holds it up, angels sing proudly*
And lastly, blue-boy Rowen is uncreatively stolen from an anime. First person to guess the right one gets a free milkshake after the earthquake...
*Hint:* The anime has an annoying character called Yulie.
=========================================
------------------------
Lower Elements
------------------------
Picking up effortlessly from when we last left off...
"Holly, I'm sure that sign was there for a reason," Janisha offered from the back seat. Holly's eyes narrowed as she slammed the shuttle down a narrow alley, sparks flying from the wingtips as they scraped against the buildings.
"Oh D'Arvit with the bloody signs. They're like those damn magnastrips. So repressive," Holly seethed to herself. She didn't trust herself to say anything aloud just yet. She was in a foul mood, brought on by a moody Fowl. (Believe it or not, the pun was intentional.) Artemis stared huffily out the window and hummed something annoying by Tchaikovsky. Holly had never liked Tchaikovsky.
This was why Holly hadn't bothered to keep in touch with Fowl. He had always had this infuriating way of acting so calm and superior no matter the situation. It had saved her life a few times, but she had always found it vaguely annoying.
And now there was the slightest change in attitude about him. Mud Boy had become a Mud Teen. There was little improvement. Bloody moody teenagers. Holly conveniently forgot her own wild 'tween' years and lapsed into a period of angry sulking.
The atmosphere in the flyer was strained. Holly and Artemis pretended not to acknowledge each other's very existence. Butler sat in the back seat, not speaking either. He had no reason to say anything, but he looked tensely alert as usual. Then again, it was impossible not to be at the speeds Holly was driving. She tended to channel her emotions into genuine road rage. Emotional creatures, elves. Especially the females.
Butler was also attempting to ignore the small, bony warlock imbedded in his side. Silver had resigned herself to her fate, occasionally offering sardonic flying advice that went largely ignored. She was decidedly uncomfortable, trapped between the infamous Butler and Fowl, with the wildcard of the LEP driving.
The shuttle performed a physically impossible wraparound turn around a large statue of Frond. Silver closed her eyes and turned up the headset of the music player she was listening to. This was why flying was outlawed underground.
Holly tapped the touch-screen control panel and opened the energy sensor screen. She wanted to see how far the lava's heat had spread.
Dying heatspill showed up orange around the terminal and a few surrounding buildings. But that wasn't what shocked Holly. She was surprised to see that the tiny pinpoints of heat on the highways -- the nuclear batteries of cars and trucks -- were fading.
Artemis decided to speak. "Unless I am very much mistaken--"
The power went out.
"Yes, Artemis?" Holly asked pleasantly.
The emergency lights flickered on, glowing a dim blue.
"-- A lockdown is the next logical step," Artemis finished, copying her Sweet n' Low tone.
(I hate Sweet 'n' Low. Artificial sugar is the bane of the light.)
The flyer, being an LEP craft, had a residual power source. It automatically cut off all unnecessary power-- extra lighting, music player (Janisha sighed as the faint strains of "Dirrrty Dwarf" died down) and air conditioner. The control panel gave off a muted, eerie glow. Two small icons appeared in the lower corner. One was shaped like a clock; one was shaped like a quill.
Artemis reached in front of Holly and tapped the clock. The icon enlarged to show a small screen. "Auxiliary Battery Power: 28 HRS." He closed the window and reached for the quill icon.
Holly swatted his slender hand away. "Beat it, Fowl," she warned. She didn't want him reading the message, didn't know what possibly valuable information it could contain.
Artemis gave her an antagonistic look. "I'm the co-pilot. The job of the co-pilot is--"
"Let. It. Alone." This time, the famed Holly Short Stare of Death did its work. The slightest hint of mesmer in her tone didn't hurt either. Artemis held her gaze for a record of three seconds before turning away nonchalantly and starting up the Tchaikovsky again.
Holly opened the message herself, giving the back of Artemis's head several scathingly dirty looks as she huddled protectively over the screen. The Tchaikovsky grew louder and more dramatic, Artemis's cultured equivalent of sticking his fingers up his ears and going "Laa-laa-la, I can't hear you!"
"Damn, I hate Tchaikovsky!" Holly finally snapped. She made it sound as casual as possible, as if she was just randomly stating a fact to thin air -- because, of course, Artemis didn't exist.
The music of the Russian Master only grew louder, because, of course, Holly didn't exist.
"Bloody teenagers," Holly said loudly to the world in general.
Artemis began to make little conducting motions with his fingertips as the classical music got louder.
Silver had to snerk. She couldn't help it. Unbelievably, Butler was very quietly sniggering as well, hiding it behind a copy of "Guns and Ammo" that he'd apparently brought with him. How amusingly immature and out of character. Janisha filed it away for future reference.
And because of the music, and the snickers coming from the Peanut Gallery in the back, and the painfully hot flush of blood rushing to her face and up to the very points of her ears until she felt redder than Root, Holly forgot about opening the message. Scowling, she slammed so hard on the thruster that Artemis almost went through the windshield, and began to give the group an unnecessarily terrifying ride.
----------------------------
Grub & Trub's New, Mold-Ridden Apartment
----------------------------
The massive earthquakes rocking the underground city had actually woken the younger Kelp up. He sat up in bed, shouting wildly. "I never, Mum, it was all Fallacy! ... Mum?"
A landslide occurred as another, smaller form emerged from beneath a mushroom-encrusted shower curtain. The fairy under it looked around with bloodshot hyper-green eyes. "Dude! 'S Armageddon."
Vice Corporal Yulie Fallacy had come over to help his pal get settled into the new apartment, since Trouble was working overtime. So the pixie-sprite was put in charge of stuffing the furniture into the dank apartment, while Grub beat back the larger life forms with an old mop so the stuff would fit.
However, fifteen minutes into the chore, 'moving furniture' had been ditched for something more fun. Namely, 'order potentially lethal drinks from the Netherworld Flamingo and make fun of human soap operas until we end up in a stupor.' The half-breed and the elf had dutifully sugared themselves into an incredible stupor, and were only snapped out of it by the larger earthquakes.
Another earth tremor rocked the building, and the lights blinked out. Grub grabbed onto an exceptionally large yellow fungus to steady himself. Swear toads scampered for cover in all directions, cursing like sailors. Cockroaches flooded out of the woodwork in greasy black streams, vanishing out of the shattered windows.
Fallacy staggered upright and looked around crazily. "Dude, is this like one of those things?"
Grub's eyes were just as wide. "I dunno. What kind of things?"
"Dude--" And the building shook again. "Ground-shaky things."
"Earthquake things?" Grub offered profoundly, clinging to his fungus. (Of the pair, he was quieter, smarter and more mature. Fallacy was the crazed, whiny, hyperactive one. You really had to feel sorry for the LEP.)
"Yeah, yeah!" Fallacy jumped up and down in excitement and was promptly thrown against a wall. He unpeeled himself from the soiled wallpaper and looked around suspiciously. "D'ya think so?"
Grub thought about it. "Yeah."
"Yeah, dude."
"I am so going to file a complaint," Grub announced.
They hung on to the nearest non-moving surfaces as the world shook again.
"So what do we do?" Fallacy asked next.
Grub plotted, his fingers sinking deeper into the mushroom. "Hey Fallacy..." he paused for dramatic effect.
"What?" Grub continued to pause dramatically. "Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat?" the half-breed screamed, his milliseconds of patience gone.
"Now is our time to be heroes!" Grub declared, attempting to make a grand, sweeping gesture with his left hand.
Unfortunately, the large yellow mushroom wouldn't let him have it back.
-----------------------------
Holly's Apartment
-----------------------------
Bob had just had the Surprise of his Life.
Grackles, ceilings, grapefruit and seaweed were all promptly forgotten. (Not that it took much.) Bob's World Moved. His huge eyes slid from side to side, watching the World slide past. Everything was wrong. Everything was surprising.
The fish tank began to slip off the cabinet. With every dying tremor, it inched a little closer to the edge. Finally, agonizingly, it balanced on the rim of the table.
Bob floated up and down, holding his breath in suspense. Whether or not a bogglefish can hold their breath or not is an unimportant fact. Maybe they close their gills.
Bob held his breath, his fishy cheeks full of air. The tank wobbled dangerously back and forth, water sloshing around inside it. The slightest touch would push it over the edge.
Bob began to turn red from holding his breath. His cheeks bulged, and his eyes popped unbelievably.
The tank loomed over the edge of the table. Bob narrowly avoided a stroke. He began to turn red all over, his eyes bigger than laser disks. So much air was trapped in his body that he began to float upwards, like an over inflated balloon.
Then his World steadied.
Bob sighed in utter relief, deflating and sinking back into the water. A huge stream of bubbles escaped from his mouth and floated up to the surface.
And the tank fell off the cabinet.
----------------------------
Foaly's Little Domain
----------------------------
The centaur rocked back and forth, whimpering slightly and stuffing macaroni and cheese into his mouth. Comfort food. His left hand rested limply on a keyboard, typing listlessly, as if it was a separate creature.
Apparently Opal Koboi was not masterminding the lockdown; surveillance footage showed her to be peaceably building a pillow fort out of her prison-issue mattress and blanket. It might be interesting to note that she was singing, in a high-pitched off-key little-girl voice, "In Pixieland I'll take my stand, to live and die in Pixiiieee..." Her voice sounded tinny and garbled through the bad connection and low-quality camera.
Demented, yes, and possibly something for the psychologists to ponder, but nothing actively malicious. It was actually kind of amusing, in a pathetic way.
Foaly looked up from his macaroni in cheese. Whoa. Flashback. Somewhat sheepishly, he remembered what he'd been doing when Opal Koboi had imprisoned _him._
(The author is completely and totally aware that you know what happened in the Arctic Incident. But because the author can never be accused of acting in what society deems a normal and rational way, she has decided to inflict yet another quickie plot summary on you. Her theory being, if Eoin Colfer does it, so can she.)
For the camera, he'd been sobbing and chucking stuff in all directions, to draw attention from what he was really doing -- sending a message to Artemis Fowl.
"Away, away, away down south in Pixie..."
Foaly doubted that Opal was secretly sending a message to Artemis Fowl. After all, she barely knew he existed. He watched through slitted eyes as the pixie somehow found fault with her fort. She dismantled the whole thing and began putting it back together, this time using the wall as a support. There was absorption in every line of her tiny body, eyes focused only on her task. And Foaly grudgingly had to admit that she was making very nice forts, with a lot of planning and concentration going into getting the blanket the exact level of tautness and the pillow perfectly balanced on its side. It certainly didn't look like she was doing anything criminal.
"For my Pixiiiiiiee..."
And Opal probably wouldn't be doing anything criminal as long as she was in that cell. Not even the cameras could be tampered with. Not after a few enterprising prisoners, discovering they couldn't disable, burn or break the cameras, had covered the lenses with blankets, smoke, chewing gum, or... droppings. (The last prisoner was indeed a dwarf.) New cameras were set into the wall behind inch-thick frictionless glass.
Foaly sighed and turned away from the screen. They were in the middle of a lockdown, he couldn't afford to waste precious time on a manic pixie and her pillow fort.
--------------------------------
Howler's Peak
--------------------------------
"To live or die in Piiixiiieee!"
Opal finished the last notes of her improvised song as she clambered inside her pillow fort, pulling the blanket down so that she was completely hidden. Silly, Silly Foaly. She was going to write a particularly degrading version of him into a juicy slashfic she was planning. Pulling open the pillow with her fingernails, she pulled out her laptop and fired up the instant messaging.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: You on, my girl?
LotrHotFangirl: Yep.
LotrHotFangirl: I got kicked off the site, though. I'm changing my username.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: To something good this time!
LotrHotFangirl: Shut up. My new username is JadePrincess.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: ... How stereotypically lame...
LotrHotFangirl: Shut up!
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: Fine, find, my lame friend. Did you write your part of the chapter yet?
LotrHotFangirl: Here it is
attachments: MAB.doc
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: BTW, I've had an idea. How about we add a centaur to our Fic of Evil?
LotrHotFangirl: A centaur? I dunno. Doesn't sound like Lord of the Rings.
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: It'll work. Trust me.
LotrHotFangirl: *shrug* Still keeping it slash?
Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale: Why not? All right, so the centaur is this really stupid ugly bucktoothed man-slut, who thinks he's such a hot stud horse, like this major pony, but let me tell you he's not...
----------------------------
Streets of Haven
----------------------------
Lili Frond tucked the tiny vial into her bra. For all you males out there blinking cluelessly, it's the safest place to put something small that you don't want stolen. Lili couldn't take a chance that someone might try to pick her pockets on the way out. With the LEP in full 'freakout' mode, looters and vandals were getting a rare holiday.
Lili looked down at the tall figure of the warlock sprawled out on the floor. His symptoms were similar to the red-headed pyro she'd blasted earlier. His breathing sounded oddly strained, and his blood darkened strangely as it trickled down his neck.
The elf knelt down, brushing back blonde curls so they wouldn't touch the blood, and kissed him gently on the temple, leaving a mark of bright crimson lipstick. Then she rifled his pockets, swiping his membership card to the laser disk rental store (she'd been banned for life, but that's a different story) and his medic's ID.
"Ah, so your name is Rowen. Cute." Lili slid the ID into the reader and walked out of Lab 42. Using the card, she exited the hospital freely, bracing herself against the odd tremors.
The streets outside were illuminated by an eerie blue glow from the emergency lighting. Only a few fairies were left outside; the LEP had escorted the rest into civilian shelters to wait it out. Now goblin gangs were running amok with chairs and eggbeaters, cackling and breaking windows.
Lili stalked imperiously past a group of goblins, her chin held high and haughty. She was an elf, a member of the LEP, a Frond, and a blonde bombshell. Ultimately a vastly superior being. Especially when compared to the scaly, dirty lowlifes that surrounded her.
She was extremely surprised when her path was cut off by a hulky goblin with pierced eyelids. An act of stupidity which would have instantly earned him a promotion if the B'wa Kell hadn't been disbanded. Lili didn't even bother trying to keep the disgusted sneer off her face. "What do you want, goblin?"
There was an outbreak of insanely annoying laughter from all sides. Lili turned, realizing that she was trapped in a circle of scaled hides, flaming blue breath, and not one brain cell to spare between them. Her hand went to the gun holster at her belt. "Well, what do you want?" she demanded.
The circle fell silent as all the goblins looked at each other quizzically. "Ya, whadda we want?"
"Eh, um..."
"Heh."
"Ya."
"Money?" one gang member ventured.
"Money!" the leader approved.
"Moneymoneymoneymoney!" the goblins cheered, pleased with themselves.
Lili waited for the noise to die down, her sneer widening. "I'm not giving you money."
"Huh?"
"Now get out of my way before I shoot you."
The head goblin blinked and licked his eyeballs. Apparently he had pierced his tongue, too. "Uh... you can't do that."
"Watch me," Lili purred.
"No, you can't do that, because..." The goblin gaped, thinking painfully.
"Ya can't shoot a gun..." A particularly brilliant goblin continued, then trailed off in confusion.
"... durin' a lockdown," the leader finished triumphantly.
"Yeah! Yeah! Take that, elf!" the others cheered in perfect unison.
"I can't shoot an LEP gun, that's true. But what about this one?" Lili pulled the human gun from her holster.
As one being of infinitely low intelligence, the goblins blinked. "Wha?"
"Ah, that's nothin'," the leader snorted. "We can still take one snotty little elf."
"Yeah. Who does she think she is?" the particularly brilliant goblin snarled, whipping out a fireball.
"Stupid elves. They think they're so great and all. Think they're so much better than anyone else."
"Well, we are," Lili told him calmly. "As a whole, we are more intelligent than the rest of you. Frond was an elf. I am an elf. Ninety-four percent of all LEP officers are elves. So are the Council members. The rest of you are simply minorities."
The jaws of the goblins dropped to the street. They didn't even bother picking them back up. Still gaping, the leader turned to the brilliant one. "Is she insultin' us?"
"She sure is, Cap'n. Right in front of us and all."
"That's pretty stupid."
"Yeah, that's really stupid of 'er."
"Ya."
The leader summoned a fireball in his palm and held it out to throw. Lili shot him in the nose. The tiny ivory pellet sent shockwaves through his body, dousing the flame in his claws. The goblin jerked and fell over backward.
"Ey, she shot Soda!"
"Argh."
"Get her!"
The goblins piled forward in a writhing, fiery mass. Lili stood in disbelief, unable to comprehend that they would actually attack her. Then she screamed as a fireball singed through her suit.
"Hey! Goblin dudes! Like, over here!"
"Egh?" The gang looked up to see two fairies running towards them. Well, running is a general term. The magenta-haired elf had a bright yellow mushroom wrapped lovingly around his leg, and he was dragging it along. The other fairy had the perilous look of a pixie and the green skin and large wings of a sprite, and he was flying along in a hyperactive fashion, like a hummingbird on drugs, slamming into buildings.
"Whee, lookit the pretty colors," the halfbreed chirped, falling to the street and kicking helplessly. "Get'em, Grub-man..."
With some difficulty, Grub unwrapped the struggling fungus from his leg. He flung it at a random goblin. Instantly the yellow mushroom made happy crooning noises and attached itself to the goblin's head.
The rest of the gang looked at each other. Then, cackling like teenage girls who were given money and told to go amuse themselves, they galloped forth with all insanity.
Grub froze. "Ohshite."
Lili staggered to her feet and ran like (insert metaphor here.)
"Moooom!" Grub was pinned against a building, looking terrified. The newly elected lead goblin threw a fireball at him, which soared over his head and scorched the bricks. Grub somehow managed a weak smile. "Missed me."
"Neeaagh!" Furious, the goblin lunged forward, grabbed the smaller fairy by the shoulders, and started beating him against the wall.
Yulie Fallacy attempted to go to his buddy's aid. He staggered to his feet but stopped in horror. Its wings aflame, breathing fire from its clashing beak, the giant grackle swooped upon him from above.
Fallacy grabbed a stick that just happened to be lying there. Desperately, he beat the savage flaming grackle away from his head. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that snatch!"
Lili looked back over her shoulder as she fled. The elf who had saved her was quite possibly in mortal danger. His crazed halfbreed friend was wildly beating at thin air with an imaginary stick. Feeling some sympathy, Lili took aim and gunned down a few goblins before dashing into the terminal.
One vehicle had not been destroyed by the heat. Scratched into the paint were tiny letters that read, "TOOTH FAIRY." Lili jumped into her specially prepared vehicle and slammed on the throttle.
Meanwhile, Grub was being smacked around by yet another goblin. "Who's yo mama? Who's yo mama?"
"Ma Kelp?" Grub squeaked when he could breathe.
"Oh." The goblin looked around nervously, dropped him, and ran away into an alley.
Fallacy took another swipe at the giant flaming grackle. It snickered at him and offered him a chance to join the Dark Side. "Aaah! Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Get away from meee!"
------------------------------
Holly's Apartment
------------------------------
The bogglefish floated on the surface of the water. A large crack had appeared in the tank, cutting it down the middle. A thin but steady stream of vitamin-tinted water trickled out of it, staining the already hassled carpet.
The bogglefish twitched and opened a pair of enormous round eyes. It looked around in goggling, all-consuming astonishment.
Several thoughts crowded into the fish's tiny brain. Then its tiny brain short-circuited, completely overloaded. While the brain put itself on hold and attempted to reassemble itself, it played a nice little screensaver. The fish watched the screensaver blissfully, and wondered what the meaning of life was.
And then it came to the fish.
The meaning of life was 42.
The fish was very pleased with this, and decided to tackle the next big question.
What am I doing here?
The fish thought it had something to do with a gigantic, pointy-eared creature with hazel eyes and red hair. Then it thought a single word: "Elliptic." The fish existed because of an Elliptic. It looked up at the ceiling. Food, it thought. Then it wondered what food was. One big question at a time.
Why does my head hurt? the fish wondered. It tried swimming into the wall of the tank. It bumped its nose. It was satisfied.
Who am I?
The fish was quite shocked to realize that it didn't know.
It bumped into the wall again, which surprised it. It suddenly wondered why there was less water in the tank than usual. The fish's brain froze -- Tank? What tank?
The fish blinked at the large crack in the tank. No name. No food. No Elliptic. And the water was disappearing.
========================
Will someone save amnesiac Bob before he runs out of water?
Will the Tooth Fairy walk again?
Will Holly slap Artemis?
Will Evilly_Brilliant_Femme_Fatale and JadePrincess be kicked off the site?
What is Elliptic?
Will Grub and Fallacy get out of thier fix?
Will you figure out where I kidnapped Rowen from?
Will I finally find it in me to write the next chapter?
The astounding answers when we return.
"Je suis triste" means "I am sad" in French. And I am sad. For many reasons. I've gotten a year older, (still can't drive though, neh!) and am undergoing the process of moving. I suddenly think Foaly might be gay, which interferes with shipping. I have to be put temporarily in a high school at the new house, to get to know the community. (We homeschool, and Mom thinks I should get to know 'normal' kids for a while.) Butler died. Due to a culmination of Ordinary Teenage Angst (TM) I had a small mental breakdown a few weeks ago, which inspired me to work towards a major in psychology. (I have a weird mind.) Butler got resurrected. Several fish died. Butler got old, which interferes with shipping. We closed on the house -- on my birthday. Although I snuggle "The Eternity Code," it has completely screwed up my plans for the sequel I was thinking of, which probably won't come about now. I have sudden bouts of feeling worthless and not funny anymore, during which I read your reviews and demand to know why the hell you guys are still reading this. (Sniff. You're loved.) I'm leaving my oldest friend behind. Artemis got mindwiped. My muse committed suicide. I know how to end this story, but can't get there from here.
Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil. Eoin Colfer is evil.
... je suis triste.