Artemis and Holly bond. Kitsune gets confused. Caspian has a Point. Goblins make good cheerleaders. Vinyaya gets a part. Lili is spineless. A Serious Council of War takes place. And at the end of it all, Nyghtvision beats up Takaban! And, yes... Bob gets saved.
Old Man: And there's a swallow in Scene 22... Ooo!
Excitement! Danger! Suspense! Well, sort of. All this and more in the upcoming chapter of...
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Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
Chapter Thirteen: No Need to Argue
---------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Deedly, deedly, deedly. There they are a-sitting on my hard drive. (Translation: Nyghtvision's not sane enough to recognize that those are actually kumquats. Thus she can plead insanity in any courtroom and get off scotch-free for copyright infringement, WOO!)
Oh, yeah. And for the safety of society, can everybody throw their computers across the room everytime I start getting too serious? Thanks.
==============================
"There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had
I knew, I knew
I'd lose you
You'll always be special to me, special to me, to me.
--The Cranberries, "No Need to Argue"
==================================
Wing Commander Vinyaya had always prided herself on being the open-minded, liberal type. She was the only female on the Council, and had supported the notoriously fiery Holly Short when the captain was just a cadet in the academy, even when it put her career at stake.
However, Wing Commander Vinyaya was not prepared for the scene that greeted her when she stepped into her office. She swallowed, took a deep breath, and turned to the two people who were standing behind her.
"Is there, or is there not, a brightly colored pigeon shedding all over my computer?"
Kitsune tilted his head, giving her an odd look. Vinyaya decided that she didn't like the newest addition to the LEP. He was always giving her this weird impression that he might go for her neck.
"It's a parrot," he said quietly.
"I like parrots," Foaly put in helpfully.
Vinyaya bit her lip. "Any particular reason why all the files I had on my desk are blowing around near the ceiling?"
She and Kitsune looked at each other carefully.
"Because there's no back wall to your office?" Kitsune suggested, very cautiously, with the air of someone tap-dancing through a minefield.
"Ah." Vinyaya looked again and accepted that this was indeed the truth. There seemed to be no back wall to her office at all. "So long as it's not just me. I wouldn't like to lose my mind for no reason."
"I have a mind," Foaly perked up hopefully.
"Very good, Foaly." Vinyaya carefully walked into her office and picked up the parrot. "Hmn. Apparently it has a message tied around its legs. No wonder it couldn't stand up. People get the strangest ideas from Mud movies."
Kitsune looked rather worried. He turned to Foaly as a possible sane companion. Foaly smiled back, looking as glazed as a doughnut. "This tinfoil protects my brain from aliens," the centaur offered.
"Good," Kitsune said.
Vinyaya read the note and dropped the parrot unsympathetically. Her lips flattened into a line. She put the scrap of paper into a handy pocket and strode past. "You will look into this, Kitsune. Found out who stole my wall and why."
The secretary poked her head in the office; "Commander, the Kelp brothers are missing, the Council is in an uproar, there's a rumor that Artemis Fowl has been taken in for questioning, riots are breaking out in all directions, and we're out of espresso."
"Hsn? Espresso?" Vinyaya mumbled, preoccupied.
"None to be had anywhere, Commander. Espresso machines throughout the city have stopped working. We think it's out of sympathy, Commander. And Commander Root is coming around nicely, Commander."
Vinyaya looked up and frowned, working through the past conversation like a swimmer paddling through heavy water. "The Kelps are missing?"
"That's what I said, ma'am."
Vinyaya let out her breath in a gusty sigh. On the one hand -- chaos, destruction, the city in ruins. On the other hand -- chaos, destruction, a pissed-off Ma Kelp with a soup ladle. The choice was clear.
"Go find the brothers, Kitsune. The wall can wait."
He lingered for a bit, his head still on one side. "What's in the note?"
Vinyaya sighed. "A plea for help and a medium-sized pizza." She picked up her com-set.
===============================================================
"We're going to have a baby."
"How does Arty-miss feel about this?" Mulch asked in a rare bout of sympathy.
"I AM Arty-miss." Artemis Fowl the First giggled at the butchering of his name. Then he giggled again, at his striking wit.
"No, other Arty-miss. Dinky vampire boy what talks funny and uses too big words."
"Oh, him. 'E's my son you know."
"Ya?"
"Ya."
They thought about this.
"Poor kid," Mulch said finally.
"What's in this stuff anyway?" Artemis Fowl wondered.
Mulch blinked muzzily at the flamingo label. "'S'got ashwagandha in it. S'never a good sign."
=========================================================================
Artemis drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair. "Holly?" he asked abruptly.
The elf glowered up at him, looking as surly as Root. "What now, Fowl?"
"Are you waiting for some sort of apology from me?"
"Yes. Yes I am, actually."
"Why?"
"Well -- because you act like you don't care about us -- and we've done a lot for you -- and -- and-- Root could really be in trouble and you aren't even worried -- and because you're really getting on my nerves-- and because -- yes, just because! D'Arvit, WHY do you have to be so AGGRAVATING?!"
"You mean 'irritating,' Holly, not 'aggravating.' 'Aggravate' means 'to make worse,' not 'to annoy.' Please don't hit me."
Holly ground her teeth.
Artemis stared at the ceiling for a bit. Holly looked at it too, then remembered how boring ceilings were and looked at her toes. The silence was as grey and oppressive as the ratty old carpet on the floor.
"My father was a bit like Root," she remarked off-handedly. "Never relaxed. He had a stroke when he was about a hundred and seventy. We couldn't save him."
"Oh," Artemis told the fascinating ceiling. "Now I see. I'm sorry."
Holly sniffed slightly and darted a look at him. He looked remorseful enough. "Thank you."
The silence got a bit less unbearable. It was almost companionable.
"You know, I believe I've never been as bored in my life before?" Artemis remarked when he had exhausted the possibilities in the ceiling.
"We could play rock, paper, scissors."
"Why?"
"Dunno."
"Could you at least pass the time by telling me what's going on here?"
"I would if I knew. As you know, I just got here myself."
==========================================================================
The Netherworld Flamingo was dark and chaotic.
It was usually dark and chaotic, but this time it wasn't on purpose.
The rescue teams had managed to dig out Tie, Bryony, Kitty, Y'lime, Horatio, Gwyneth, Ophelia, Leo, Joe, and two large fishtanks full of very surprised fish. However, Ivy and Caspian were still trapped beneath a large pile of assorted crud. When the beams had fallen, it had created a sort of cave, which cut off the proprietor and the reporter from the rest of the group. It was doubtful if the rescue teams could find them in all the rubble
"Think the parrot got through?" Ivy asked. One of her tinted contacts had been knocked out, so she peered lopsidedly at Caspian with one blue eye and one green eye.
The short, young elf whimpered in response. She was attempting to heal her neatly broken nose; thankfully she had a lot of practice. "Probadly. I just hobe somebuddy will nodice the node."
Their best chance of rescue hung on the lime-green wings of the parrot they had stuffed through a small crack in the rubble. Ivy had written a note on her omnipresent notepad and they'd tied it to the bird's legs.
"The story of my life is probably happening out there, which just makes everything worse." Ivy's head snapped up, a gleam in her mismatched eyes. "Wait... remember the secret tunnel?"
"Whad secred tunnel?"
"The gigantic hole in the back of the kitchen that you covered with cellophane after Corporal Fallacy fell into it and ended up aboveground in the Arctic Circle."
"Oh, THAD secred tunnel."
"If we dig our way towards it, we could escape before our air runs out."
"We've godd d' hole we stuffed d' parrot through."
"Yes... but this would be an Adventure."
At that moment, a beam of light shone into the small cave. A dwarf wearing a rescue helmet with a flashlight mounted on it pushed her way through the rubble. "You the people who sent out the parrot?" she asked gruffly.
"Maybe," Caspian said warily, giving her a highly suspicious look.
"With a note attached to its leg, asking for rescue and a medium-sized pizza?"
"Yes, yes, that was us. We were a bit hungry."
As the two young elves clambered through the rescue tunnel, Caspian was struck by a thought. She reached forward and tugged their rescuer's boot.
"What?"
"Can you take us to the LEP?"
===============================================================
Mulch and Artemis Fowl the First were going through the Big Book of Baby Names for Young Aristocrats.
"Ludwig."
"Eeargh, no." Mulch drew his finger across his throat. "He'll get beat up with a name like that."
"Who said she was a he? I like Ludwig. Sounds like earwig. Earwigs are good for gardens. Write it down."
Mulch pretended to add it to a list. "Right. Next?"
Artemis Fowl made a great show of closing his eyes and jabbing at a random place in the book. "Eoin."
"Huh. 'S different."
"Write it down, man! Write it down!" Artemis Fowl the First thundered commandingly.
"Not a girl's name, though."
"I can name my daughter Eoin if I want to. Or Eowyn, that's girly and everything."
"Why do you think it's a daughter, anyway?"
"Oh, all embryos start out female, for the first few weeks anyway. I'm just getting a head start."
"And if it turns into a boy?"
"Artemis is a girl's name and Artemis and I have never complained."
"Oh, and you two are obviously such well-adjusted people."
"Shut up and pass the ashwagandha."
=============================================================
"Rock, paper, scissors, shoe."
"D'Arvit," Holly muttered, glowering, as Artemis's scissors beat her paper.
"So the score is three for you, twenty-four for me. Rock, paper, scissors, shoe."
Artemis won again, bopping her scissors lightly with his rock.
Holly pulled her hand away and glared. "You've got to be cheating."
"When I was seven years old I made a study of rock-paper-scissors. People are amazingly predictable, and fairies appear no different. Three to you, twenty-five to me. Rock, paper, scissors, shoe."
Bored and frustrated beyond belief, Holly held out her fist; Artemis held out his palm, flat as a piece of paper. "D'Arvit!"
"Quite." Artemis covered her 'rock' with his palm. For a moment his thin, pale fingers were wrapped over her small tanned fist. "You have very small hands, Holly."
She looked down at their very different hands, remembering something, and grinned.
There was a slight cough from the door. Trouble Kelp stood there, looking shocked, confused, and generally bogglefishy. To his credit, he rallied swiftly and pretended that it was perfectly normal to see a human underground, holding hands with Holly Short. "Um... am I interrupting something here? Because, um, I could go away. Um."
Holly sighed.
It was really annoying that whenever anyone saw her interacting with someone of the opposite gender -- or even of the same gender -- they instantly thought, "Romance!"
=============================================================
It was a standoff.
Kitsune had Cerebellum, the smart goblin, in a headlock. Snot had Grub pinned to a wall. Kitsune and Snot were glaring at each other venomously, each choking their hapless captives. Vice Corporal Fallacy was crumpled on the street, quietly singing the obscene song about the hedgehog. And the rest of the goblin gang was productively playing strip poker in a corner of the alley.
Well, perhaps the last part wasn't quite true. They were really playing a nice civilized hand of bridge. But strip poker has a much more interesting ring to it.
The strained air was filled with Snot's malicious hissing, Grub's increasingly muffled squeaks, Cerebellum panting, Kitsune whispering threats in Japanese, things about hedgehogs that I really would rather not print, and the soft shuffle of cards.
Finally Cerebellum spoke. "Look. It's all very macho to stand around glaring at each other, but it appears to be going nowhere. We will release the pink-haired nancy elf, and you will release me."
Kitsune nodded, glowering. He loosened his grip and kicked the big-headed goblin into the middle of the bridge game. Cards went flying everywhere
"'Ey, I was winnin,'" a random goblin whined.
"All right, let's have the pink-haired nancy," Kitsune demanded.
Snot's face twisted in what is classically called a malicious grin. "All right... you can have 'im. In lots of peace."
"Snot, I do believe you mean 'in lots of pieces,'" Cerebellum stated pointlessly.
"What-the-hell-ever." Snot slammed Grub against the wall, making the little elf's head rock back limply. Then Snot performed a nice drop kick, booting Grub halfway across the street like a cute, magenta-haired soccer ball. The elf's small body hit a shop window and shattered it... into lots of pieces.
"AND-- HE-- SCORES!" the random goblin whooped. The extra goblins whipped pom-poms and tight cheerleader costumes out of nowhere, formed a pyramid, and started chanting perkily. (It's hard to deal with cast extras.)
Kitsune whipped out a handful of fire. So did Snot. They blinked at each other for a minute, then started throwing fireballs. It was rather pointless, since they both shared the same affinity for fire.
But who was going to argue?
=================================================================
"Bob, thou art saved." Mel Thorn held the recently repaired fishtank aloft. From a broken skylight poured a golden beam of celestial radiance and intensity.
Bob boggled.
==================================================================
"Janis, it's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really important."
Caspian sat back and gave the LEP secretary massive puppy-dog eyes.
Janis regarded the young elf, who had often delivered Snickers bars and milkshakes to her desk. She felt genuinely sorry that she couldn't help. "Cas, these people are losing their minds. Do you have any idea what kind of situation we're in?"
"Um. Well, there was a bit of an earthquake."
Janis groaned. "D'Arvit, Caspian, didn't you notice, the, you know, CHAOS?"
"Er, think of who you're talking to here. I usually just get Joe to deal with it."
Janis sighed. "It was a Haven-wide catastrophe! It completely overrode our... overrides! And--" she lowered her voice to a gossip-level-- "I hear things around here, you know? They're saying it was deliberate! Caspian, are you paying attention?"
The tweenager blinked, tearing her eyes from a nearby sparkly mobile. "I'm sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention."
"Oh God." Janis thumped her head against her desk.
Then she had an idea.
An awful idea.
The Grinch had a wonderful, awful idea.
Janis absolutely loathed a crusty old Council member, Retired Admiral Walter Kelp Hamlet Scrimshaw, the Atlantean Ambassador and very distant relative of the young Kelps in the LEP, who had appeared briefly in the beginning of the story.
Scrimshaw was part of a famous, wealthy, conservative old family and was one of those classic old codgers whose minds you couldn't change with a hatchet.
Every time the regal Scrimshaw had visited, he treated Janis like dirt.
Caspian could be a very annoying youngster. Arguing with Caspian was something like teaching advanced college-level algebra to a Siamese cat on crack while floating in a chamber of zero gravity. (Whoo, that's a *good* metaphor!)
"This is really important, huh?"
"Really, really, really, really---"
"Good. Well, actually, Caspian, there is a Council member who would listen to you. But, um, for security reasons, don't let on that you're forty-two years old and female. Say you're... uh... a banker. Yup. An old, ugly, male one. And you want to talk to him about stocks and shares and how the, um, earthquake has affected them. Yeah. And then when he grants you an audience..."
Caspian leaned forward, listening intently. She was scarily intense. Janis leaned back slightly.
"Tell him this ....thing that you think is so important. He might not want to hear it. So just keep arguing with him, Cas. Just keeeeep arguing."
=================================================
Blue sparks whizzed around a small, crumpled figure like flies landing on carrion. They settled over cuts, scrapes and bruises, melding together, healing, and vanishing.
Grub Kelp's mind, crawling back dejected and rather dusty from a vacation in Laa-Laa Land, slithered into awakeness and started complaining loudly about a headache.
He sat up and found that he was sitting in a big puddle of shattered glass. He had a sore throat and a headache that could be used to stun small trolls. His first coherent thought was: Not AGAIN.
His second coherent thought was: I'm going to kill Fallacy, I really am.
He wondered, With what?
Grub felt hungry, and he couldn't remember for the life of him what he was doing sitting on the floor with broken glass all around him. He looked around and realized that he was in an abandoned store. Gloria's Secret. A female lingerie store. This was... different.
Grub started looking around for aspirin, a glass of water and a pizza. Of course these are not things you normally find lying around a Gloria's Secret Store. All he found was a bottle of antidepressant, half a bottle of flat Diet Coke, half of a watercress and pimiento sandwich, and a pair of feminine frilly knickers. He consumed everything except the knickers, which he wrapped around his head. Then he looked out the window.
A struggling red-haired human was getting sat on by a group of scaly, lizard-tongued cheerleaders. He was fighting like a cat with fingernails and teeth, but it's almost impossible to escape from a pile gang of angry cheerleaders, especially if they're all goblins and will probably use your skull for an ashtray after they've squashed you.
Glory for Grub Kelp loomed ahead.
============================================================
Trouble Kelp fidgeted slightly. "Er, Commander Vinyaya's called a quick Council of War. Nothing formal, but you all have to come." He stared at Artemis with open curiousity.
Just then there was an earsplitting yell that echoed through the halls. "You did WHAT?!" a male voice shouted in the distance.
Holly smiled in relief. "Oh, good, Beetroot's back!"
============================================================
Arctic Circle. Headquarters of covert fairy operation. Very cold.
Lili Frond sat with her hands folded in her neat little lap. She looked alert and eager, like a spaniel that can do tricks.
Takaban limped in, looking hung-over. He also looked run-over, and game-over, and over-and-out. Pale skin clung to his hollow cheekbones, and he seemed to lack the self-esteem to even fold his wings. The circles under his bloodshot eyes were so dark it looked like someone had given him two perfect black eyes.
Without looking at Lili, he walked into a wall. He stood there, forehead pressed against the wall, and slumped.
Chills ran down Lili's back. It would have been amusingly clumsy if it hadn't been for the dead, uncaring look in his eyes. Like he'd seen the wall, but couldn't be bothered to change his course. Like life just wasn't worth it, and it wasn't even worth the trouble to worry about pain. Angst practically reeked from his ratty-looking feathers, which had lost their former raven luster and were now the color of old ash.
"Um," she said quietly.
Takaban's forehead was still pressed against the wall. His eyes rolled back in his head. He slowly slid to the floor and lay completely crumpled there.
"Um, Mr. Takaban? Oh, God!" Lili scurried over to strange winged figure. "D'Arvit! Takaban!" Desperation prompted her instincts. She held out her manicured hand tentatively, tapered fingers hovering just above his gaunt shoulder. Lili never got herself into painful situations, and her healing powers were rarely used. She doubted they could do more than heal a sprained ankle, a bruise, a scrape, little hurts that would just as easily be healed with a kiss and a prayer. A shy little blue spark crept out from her fingernail and fizzed out. Encouraged, Lili held her hand closer.
Takaban's eye snapped open and he caught her wrist. "Don't," he hissed.
"Oh my God, you're back from the dead," Lili blurted, realizing a millisecond later how lame that sounded. "Ow, you're hurting my hand."
He let go stiffly. "Don't do that. Don't do that."
"Mr. Takaban, you don't look very healthy."
"Really. I thought the half-dead look suited me." He set his back against the wall and started pushing himself upright.
"Oh, good," Lili said in relief. "You're okay."
Takaban made a scathingly sarcastic noise. "Do you have the vial?"
Lili pulled it out of her bra.
Without missing a beat, Takaban said, "Good. You've done good work." He paused. "The- the boss wants to see you now."
"The boss?" Lili asked in confusion.
"Of course. Who I get my orders from. You didn't think I came up with these crazed plans myself, did you?" Takaban started to laugh bitterly, but stopped, apparently out of pain. "Not my style. Besides, I've never had the motive. Little underground Haven never really interested me."
Lili still looked confused. She wasn't really interested in Takaban's motives. "So who is the boss?"
Takaban made another sarcastic noise. "Just go through the door and give her the vial." He pointed to a door that Lili had gone through many times. It led to the small room where Takaban kept his laptop.
When Lili entered the room she was half-blinded by a bright light. "Sweet Frond Almighty."
=======================================================
Seated around a table were Holly, Trouble, Butler, and Artemis. Foaly was also present, sitting awkwardly on his haunches and humming quietly to himself. At the head of the table sat Commander Root, looking a lot more relaxed and less ruddy than usual. Wing Commander Vinyaya was seated at the foot of the table. Butler found himself fascinated by the queenly, dryly humorous fairy. Like Holly, Vinyaya managed to pack enough charisma for four humans into a tiny three-foot frame, but unlike Holly, she had a calm sense of maturity and leadership. Perhaps Holly, too, would develop this in time.
"You can't be serious." Artemis's cultured voice covered a whole slew of adjectives. Icy, stony, sharp, and frigidly cold. "I know that my father has accidentally come in contact with a fairy. That is why I bothered to come here. But I will not stand for you accusing him of plotting to undermine Haven. My father is simply not that kind of man."
"Fowl." Root's voice was almost paternal. "I understand that it's hard for you to accept."
"Beetroot understands something?" Trouble breathed into Holly's pointed ear. "I thought he went in for heart surgery, not a lobotomy."
Holly chuckled under her breath, keeping her face as straight as possible. "They must have given him a soft heart," she whispered back. Vinyaya gave them a stern look, as if they were schoolkids back at the Academy, whispering in class.
"There is nothing for me to accept. I am disgusted -- no, outraged -- by what you are saying about my father."
"I know it's not really my place to speak right now," Butler put in calmly, "But Artemis is right. Mr. Fowl was never the kind of man who would deliberately hurt others for gain. He is now more deeply honorable than ever."
Root sighed. Artemis wasn't all that bad a kid these days, and Butler was a man after his own heart. He didn't like being the bearer of bad news. "Fowl, we have proof. Your father financed the terrorists that set off this earthquake."
Artemis's face was sent. "Let me see."
Foaly was brought out of his stupor, by virtue of Vinyaya stepping on his tail. Artemis took the packet of papers he was handed and started leafing through them. Sitting close to his Principal, Butler noticed that the papers were mostly patterns of letters and numbers, meaningless gibberish that looked something like constantly repeating Internet addresses.
The teenaged boy set the papers down in resignation and bowed his head for a minute. When he looked back up, there was resolution in his face. "I see what you mean."
Root and Vinyaya looked intense.
"But there's something odd about this. It's too easy to track my father and this fairy correspondent of his. My father is an intelligent man, and you fairies are paranoid. It makes me think that this is a setup." Artemis steepled his fingers and looked pensive.
There was an expectant silence.
"... So?" Holly ventured.
"So I think that these people not only wanted my father's money, but they wanted to set us against each other. They must expect me to side with my father against you."
Everyone nodded, except Trouble. He looked skeptical. "This is all conjecture."
Holly kicked him under the table and scowled. Trouble glared back. "What?" he mouthed.
"Pay attention," she hissed.
"I have decided," Artemis said regally, drawing everyone's attention to him. "I will join forces with you to eliminate this threat. In return, you will leave my father alone, as he really had no idea what he was doing. And I will expect to be paid for my service."
Commander Root sighed. "It's always about money with you. How much do you want?"
"Oh, I think another half-million ingots will do nicely. Unmarked bars, solid gold. And, of course, I expect it without a grudge or strings attached. No sneaking about trying to steal it behind my back." Artemis grinned his vampire grin. "Agreed?"
"Feh!" Root scoffed. "We're in the middle of a recession!"
Vinyaya spoke for the first time. "Julius, if the boy is only interested in money, than give him the money." Her light, piercing gaze settled on Artemis with a trace of amusement. "That much honest gold will keep him out of trouble for a long time. By the time he spends it all, he won't want to play with fairies any more." She sat back, looking catlike and wise.
Artemis thought, Make a note to watch this Vinyaya in the future.
"All right, all right." Root leaned across the table and held out his hand. "Agreed."
Human and fairy shook hands for the second time. Another historic moment.
Then Artemis spoiled it all by asking sweetly, "Can I have that in writing?"
============================================================
After the Council of War, as it would come to be called, Root and Vinyaya drew off together.
"I'm not even going to ask why you're supporting Fowl," he started.
She smiled demurely. "And I won't answer. You're in a delicate condition after all."
"Do you think we should put Foxy on the case? I've got a hunch that he could help."
Vinyaya thought about it. Then she smiled a wise, wicked smile. "No. Save Kitsune for later. If we keep dealing with Artemis Fowl..."
Their eyes strayed briefly to the eerie human.
"... It might be good for us to have a human-sized fairy he doesn't know about."
=============================================================
Caspian: (awed) I make people dance.
Bob: o.O?? ((Needs very little translation, although emoticons aren't very good at demonstrating fish raising their eyebrows, which is what Bob is doing.))
Caspian: (hushed voice) Working separately, of their own accord, five people danced in reviews and emails when I updated. (stares at computer)
Bob: O.- ((Guess it's up to me to deal with disclaimers n: Oh, ya. He's driven to distraction by all this speculation about his gruesome fate. (beams cheerfully) Smile and wave to the nice reviewers, Taka my boy. Smile and wave.
Takaban: (whimper)
Caspian: He loves you all, really. (jabs him in the side) Remember what I pay you for. (hands him a sheaf of emails)
Takaban: (leafing through them and occasionally whimpering) The Seasyngr (Now known as Puck) says I'm... moulting. I like her, she gets right to the point. Though her muses could stand for a rabies vaccine.
Caspian: But I love her muses!
Takaban: You would. (reading the next one) Maiden Genisis says I've either gone to the dark side--
Random Parrot: (sees cue) Join the Dark Side and I will Spare Your Life!
Takaban: (twats it with pillow) Or I've got parasites which will make my eyes go crusty and eventually kill me. (eyes get large, deerlike and generally puppy-doggish) What? Why? (whimper)
Caspian: (snigger) Good one, Mel... (blinks and looks vaguely sympathetic) Oh, that's...too bad. Not good at all, no.
Takaban: And then there's Trixi...
Bob: O.O ((HI TRIXI!!)) (bounces happily around tank, which starts sliding off table again)
Takaban: ... who has quite a good theory...
(fishtank inevitably falls off table and onto Takaban.)
Takaban: (carefully pulls seaweed out of his hair) ...I hate my life.
Caspian: (sympathetically) I hate your life too.
Squid: If I had a life, I'd hate it!
Takaban: Could we not quote the Muppets. And then there's slime frog, Bryony if you will, who says I have a very short birdy life and will probably kick the bucket any day now. (seethes)
Caspian: Heh. Cheers, Bry! (thumbs up)
Takaban: (twats her with Squid) So who gets this thing?
Caspian: It's up for grabs for now. I'm really enjoying your theories, they're all great. Nobody's hit close to my original idea yet. But some of your ideas struck me as even better. If I do use them, I will ask you first, then give you credit and praise. Thank you so much!
Takaban: Yes, yes, good, good. Now can we close up the chapter? You're covering way too much space! Unlike us, these people have lives!
Caspian: Almost done. At 161 pages long on Microsoft Word, The Ivory Files is the longest humor fic in the AF section. Woot! Thank you all for making this possible. Also, I am sorry that I haven't been replying to reviews like I used to. I don't have Internet anymore. I love you all, and wish I could thank you all by name. So I'll just metaphorically hug you all and say thank you for your wonderful work. And please don't stop! I desperately crave love and attention!
Takaban: You're pathetic.
Caspian: Do not meddle with authors! We have special powers!
Old Man: And there's a swallow in Scene 22... Ooo!
Excitement! Danger! Suspense! Well, sort of. All this and more in the upcoming chapter of...
---------------------------------------------
Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
Chapter Thirteen: No Need to Argue
---------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Deedly, deedly, deedly. There they are a-sitting on my hard drive. (Translation: Nyghtvision's not sane enough to recognize that those are actually kumquats. Thus she can plead insanity in any courtroom and get off scotch-free for copyright infringement, WOO!)
Oh, yeah. And for the safety of society, can everybody throw their computers across the room everytime I start getting too serious? Thanks.
==============================
"There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had
I knew, I knew
I'd lose you
You'll always be special to me, special to me, to me.
--The Cranberries, "No Need to Argue"
==================================
Wing Commander Vinyaya had always prided herself on being the open-minded, liberal type. She was the only female on the Council, and had supported the notoriously fiery Holly Short when the captain was just a cadet in the academy, even when it put her career at stake.
However, Wing Commander Vinyaya was not prepared for the scene that greeted her when she stepped into her office. She swallowed, took a deep breath, and turned to the two people who were standing behind her.
"Is there, or is there not, a brightly colored pigeon shedding all over my computer?"
Kitsune tilted his head, giving her an odd look. Vinyaya decided that she didn't like the newest addition to the LEP. He was always giving her this weird impression that he might go for her neck.
"It's a parrot," he said quietly.
"I like parrots," Foaly put in helpfully.
Vinyaya bit her lip. "Any particular reason why all the files I had on my desk are blowing around near the ceiling?"
She and Kitsune looked at each other carefully.
"Because there's no back wall to your office?" Kitsune suggested, very cautiously, with the air of someone tap-dancing through a minefield.
"Ah." Vinyaya looked again and accepted that this was indeed the truth. There seemed to be no back wall to her office at all. "So long as it's not just me. I wouldn't like to lose my mind for no reason."
"I have a mind," Foaly perked up hopefully.
"Very good, Foaly." Vinyaya carefully walked into her office and picked up the parrot. "Hmn. Apparently it has a message tied around its legs. No wonder it couldn't stand up. People get the strangest ideas from Mud movies."
Kitsune looked rather worried. He turned to Foaly as a possible sane companion. Foaly smiled back, looking as glazed as a doughnut. "This tinfoil protects my brain from aliens," the centaur offered.
"Good," Kitsune said.
Vinyaya read the note and dropped the parrot unsympathetically. Her lips flattened into a line. She put the scrap of paper into a handy pocket and strode past. "You will look into this, Kitsune. Found out who stole my wall and why."
The secretary poked her head in the office; "Commander, the Kelp brothers are missing, the Council is in an uproar, there's a rumor that Artemis Fowl has been taken in for questioning, riots are breaking out in all directions, and we're out of espresso."
"Hsn? Espresso?" Vinyaya mumbled, preoccupied.
"None to be had anywhere, Commander. Espresso machines throughout the city have stopped working. We think it's out of sympathy, Commander. And Commander Root is coming around nicely, Commander."
Vinyaya looked up and frowned, working through the past conversation like a swimmer paddling through heavy water. "The Kelps are missing?"
"That's what I said, ma'am."
Vinyaya let out her breath in a gusty sigh. On the one hand -- chaos, destruction, the city in ruins. On the other hand -- chaos, destruction, a pissed-off Ma Kelp with a soup ladle. The choice was clear.
"Go find the brothers, Kitsune. The wall can wait."
He lingered for a bit, his head still on one side. "What's in the note?"
Vinyaya sighed. "A plea for help and a medium-sized pizza." She picked up her com-set.
===============================================================
"We're going to have a baby."
"How does Arty-miss feel about this?" Mulch asked in a rare bout of sympathy.
"I AM Arty-miss." Artemis Fowl the First giggled at the butchering of his name. Then he giggled again, at his striking wit.
"No, other Arty-miss. Dinky vampire boy what talks funny and uses too big words."
"Oh, him. 'E's my son you know."
"Ya?"
"Ya."
They thought about this.
"Poor kid," Mulch said finally.
"What's in this stuff anyway?" Artemis Fowl wondered.
Mulch blinked muzzily at the flamingo label. "'S'got ashwagandha in it. S'never a good sign."
=========================================================================
Artemis drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair. "Holly?" he asked abruptly.
The elf glowered up at him, looking as surly as Root. "What now, Fowl?"
"Are you waiting for some sort of apology from me?"
"Yes. Yes I am, actually."
"Why?"
"Well -- because you act like you don't care about us -- and we've done a lot for you -- and -- and-- Root could really be in trouble and you aren't even worried -- and because you're really getting on my nerves-- and because -- yes, just because! D'Arvit, WHY do you have to be so AGGRAVATING?!"
"You mean 'irritating,' Holly, not 'aggravating.' 'Aggravate' means 'to make worse,' not 'to annoy.' Please don't hit me."
Holly ground her teeth.
Artemis stared at the ceiling for a bit. Holly looked at it too, then remembered how boring ceilings were and looked at her toes. The silence was as grey and oppressive as the ratty old carpet on the floor.
"My father was a bit like Root," she remarked off-handedly. "Never relaxed. He had a stroke when he was about a hundred and seventy. We couldn't save him."
"Oh," Artemis told the fascinating ceiling. "Now I see. I'm sorry."
Holly sniffed slightly and darted a look at him. He looked remorseful enough. "Thank you."
The silence got a bit less unbearable. It was almost companionable.
"You know, I believe I've never been as bored in my life before?" Artemis remarked when he had exhausted the possibilities in the ceiling.
"We could play rock, paper, scissors."
"Why?"
"Dunno."
"Could you at least pass the time by telling me what's going on here?"
"I would if I knew. As you know, I just got here myself."
==========================================================================
The Netherworld Flamingo was dark and chaotic.
It was usually dark and chaotic, but this time it wasn't on purpose.
The rescue teams had managed to dig out Tie, Bryony, Kitty, Y'lime, Horatio, Gwyneth, Ophelia, Leo, Joe, and two large fishtanks full of very surprised fish. However, Ivy and Caspian were still trapped beneath a large pile of assorted crud. When the beams had fallen, it had created a sort of cave, which cut off the proprietor and the reporter from the rest of the group. It was doubtful if the rescue teams could find them in all the rubble
"Think the parrot got through?" Ivy asked. One of her tinted contacts had been knocked out, so she peered lopsidedly at Caspian with one blue eye and one green eye.
The short, young elf whimpered in response. She was attempting to heal her neatly broken nose; thankfully she had a lot of practice. "Probadly. I just hobe somebuddy will nodice the node."
Their best chance of rescue hung on the lime-green wings of the parrot they had stuffed through a small crack in the rubble. Ivy had written a note on her omnipresent notepad and they'd tied it to the bird's legs.
"The story of my life is probably happening out there, which just makes everything worse." Ivy's head snapped up, a gleam in her mismatched eyes. "Wait... remember the secret tunnel?"
"Whad secred tunnel?"
"The gigantic hole in the back of the kitchen that you covered with cellophane after Corporal Fallacy fell into it and ended up aboveground in the Arctic Circle."
"Oh, THAD secred tunnel."
"If we dig our way towards it, we could escape before our air runs out."
"We've godd d' hole we stuffed d' parrot through."
"Yes... but this would be an Adventure."
At that moment, a beam of light shone into the small cave. A dwarf wearing a rescue helmet with a flashlight mounted on it pushed her way through the rubble. "You the people who sent out the parrot?" she asked gruffly.
"Maybe," Caspian said warily, giving her a highly suspicious look.
"With a note attached to its leg, asking for rescue and a medium-sized pizza?"
"Yes, yes, that was us. We were a bit hungry."
As the two young elves clambered through the rescue tunnel, Caspian was struck by a thought. She reached forward and tugged their rescuer's boot.
"What?"
"Can you take us to the LEP?"
===============================================================
Mulch and Artemis Fowl the First were going through the Big Book of Baby Names for Young Aristocrats.
"Ludwig."
"Eeargh, no." Mulch drew his finger across his throat. "He'll get beat up with a name like that."
"Who said she was a he? I like Ludwig. Sounds like earwig. Earwigs are good for gardens. Write it down."
Mulch pretended to add it to a list. "Right. Next?"
Artemis Fowl made a great show of closing his eyes and jabbing at a random place in the book. "Eoin."
"Huh. 'S different."
"Write it down, man! Write it down!" Artemis Fowl the First thundered commandingly.
"Not a girl's name, though."
"I can name my daughter Eoin if I want to. Or Eowyn, that's girly and everything."
"Why do you think it's a daughter, anyway?"
"Oh, all embryos start out female, for the first few weeks anyway. I'm just getting a head start."
"And if it turns into a boy?"
"Artemis is a girl's name and Artemis and I have never complained."
"Oh, and you two are obviously such well-adjusted people."
"Shut up and pass the ashwagandha."
=============================================================
"Rock, paper, scissors, shoe."
"D'Arvit," Holly muttered, glowering, as Artemis's scissors beat her paper.
"So the score is three for you, twenty-four for me. Rock, paper, scissors, shoe."
Artemis won again, bopping her scissors lightly with his rock.
Holly pulled her hand away and glared. "You've got to be cheating."
"When I was seven years old I made a study of rock-paper-scissors. People are amazingly predictable, and fairies appear no different. Three to you, twenty-five to me. Rock, paper, scissors, shoe."
Bored and frustrated beyond belief, Holly held out her fist; Artemis held out his palm, flat as a piece of paper. "D'Arvit!"
"Quite." Artemis covered her 'rock' with his palm. For a moment his thin, pale fingers were wrapped over her small tanned fist. "You have very small hands, Holly."
She looked down at their very different hands, remembering something, and grinned.
There was a slight cough from the door. Trouble Kelp stood there, looking shocked, confused, and generally bogglefishy. To his credit, he rallied swiftly and pretended that it was perfectly normal to see a human underground, holding hands with Holly Short. "Um... am I interrupting something here? Because, um, I could go away. Um."
Holly sighed.
It was really annoying that whenever anyone saw her interacting with someone of the opposite gender -- or even of the same gender -- they instantly thought, "Romance!"
=============================================================
It was a standoff.
Kitsune had Cerebellum, the smart goblin, in a headlock. Snot had Grub pinned to a wall. Kitsune and Snot were glaring at each other venomously, each choking their hapless captives. Vice Corporal Fallacy was crumpled on the street, quietly singing the obscene song about the hedgehog. And the rest of the goblin gang was productively playing strip poker in a corner of the alley.
Well, perhaps the last part wasn't quite true. They were really playing a nice civilized hand of bridge. But strip poker has a much more interesting ring to it.
The strained air was filled with Snot's malicious hissing, Grub's increasingly muffled squeaks, Cerebellum panting, Kitsune whispering threats in Japanese, things about hedgehogs that I really would rather not print, and the soft shuffle of cards.
Finally Cerebellum spoke. "Look. It's all very macho to stand around glaring at each other, but it appears to be going nowhere. We will release the pink-haired nancy elf, and you will release me."
Kitsune nodded, glowering. He loosened his grip and kicked the big-headed goblin into the middle of the bridge game. Cards went flying everywhere
"'Ey, I was winnin,'" a random goblin whined.
"All right, let's have the pink-haired nancy," Kitsune demanded.
Snot's face twisted in what is classically called a malicious grin. "All right... you can have 'im. In lots of peace."
"Snot, I do believe you mean 'in lots of pieces,'" Cerebellum stated pointlessly.
"What-the-hell-ever." Snot slammed Grub against the wall, making the little elf's head rock back limply. Then Snot performed a nice drop kick, booting Grub halfway across the street like a cute, magenta-haired soccer ball. The elf's small body hit a shop window and shattered it... into lots of pieces.
"AND-- HE-- SCORES!" the random goblin whooped. The extra goblins whipped pom-poms and tight cheerleader costumes out of nowhere, formed a pyramid, and started chanting perkily. (It's hard to deal with cast extras.)
Kitsune whipped out a handful of fire. So did Snot. They blinked at each other for a minute, then started throwing fireballs. It was rather pointless, since they both shared the same affinity for fire.
But who was going to argue?
=================================================================
"Bob, thou art saved." Mel Thorn held the recently repaired fishtank aloft. From a broken skylight poured a golden beam of celestial radiance and intensity.
Bob boggled.
==================================================================
"Janis, it's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really important."
Caspian sat back and gave the LEP secretary massive puppy-dog eyes.
Janis regarded the young elf, who had often delivered Snickers bars and milkshakes to her desk. She felt genuinely sorry that she couldn't help. "Cas, these people are losing their minds. Do you have any idea what kind of situation we're in?"
"Um. Well, there was a bit of an earthquake."
Janis groaned. "D'Arvit, Caspian, didn't you notice, the, you know, CHAOS?"
"Er, think of who you're talking to here. I usually just get Joe to deal with it."
Janis sighed. "It was a Haven-wide catastrophe! It completely overrode our... overrides! And--" she lowered her voice to a gossip-level-- "I hear things around here, you know? They're saying it was deliberate! Caspian, are you paying attention?"
The tweenager blinked, tearing her eyes from a nearby sparkly mobile. "I'm sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention."
"Oh God." Janis thumped her head against her desk.
Then she had an idea.
An awful idea.
The Grinch had a wonderful, awful idea.
Janis absolutely loathed a crusty old Council member, Retired Admiral Walter Kelp Hamlet Scrimshaw, the Atlantean Ambassador and very distant relative of the young Kelps in the LEP, who had appeared briefly in the beginning of the story.
Scrimshaw was part of a famous, wealthy, conservative old family and was one of those classic old codgers whose minds you couldn't change with a hatchet.
Every time the regal Scrimshaw had visited, he treated Janis like dirt.
Caspian could be a very annoying youngster. Arguing with Caspian was something like teaching advanced college-level algebra to a Siamese cat on crack while floating in a chamber of zero gravity. (Whoo, that's a *good* metaphor!)
"This is really important, huh?"
"Really, really, really, really---"
"Good. Well, actually, Caspian, there is a Council member who would listen to you. But, um, for security reasons, don't let on that you're forty-two years old and female. Say you're... uh... a banker. Yup. An old, ugly, male one. And you want to talk to him about stocks and shares and how the, um, earthquake has affected them. Yeah. And then when he grants you an audience..."
Caspian leaned forward, listening intently. She was scarily intense. Janis leaned back slightly.
"Tell him this ....thing that you think is so important. He might not want to hear it. So just keep arguing with him, Cas. Just keeeeep arguing."
=================================================
Blue sparks whizzed around a small, crumpled figure like flies landing on carrion. They settled over cuts, scrapes and bruises, melding together, healing, and vanishing.
Grub Kelp's mind, crawling back dejected and rather dusty from a vacation in Laa-Laa Land, slithered into awakeness and started complaining loudly about a headache.
He sat up and found that he was sitting in a big puddle of shattered glass. He had a sore throat and a headache that could be used to stun small trolls. His first coherent thought was: Not AGAIN.
His second coherent thought was: I'm going to kill Fallacy, I really am.
He wondered, With what?
Grub felt hungry, and he couldn't remember for the life of him what he was doing sitting on the floor with broken glass all around him. He looked around and realized that he was in an abandoned store. Gloria's Secret. A female lingerie store. This was... different.
Grub started looking around for aspirin, a glass of water and a pizza. Of course these are not things you normally find lying around a Gloria's Secret Store. All he found was a bottle of antidepressant, half a bottle of flat Diet Coke, half of a watercress and pimiento sandwich, and a pair of feminine frilly knickers. He consumed everything except the knickers, which he wrapped around his head. Then he looked out the window.
A struggling red-haired human was getting sat on by a group of scaly, lizard-tongued cheerleaders. He was fighting like a cat with fingernails and teeth, but it's almost impossible to escape from a pile gang of angry cheerleaders, especially if they're all goblins and will probably use your skull for an ashtray after they've squashed you.
Glory for Grub Kelp loomed ahead.
============================================================
Trouble Kelp fidgeted slightly. "Er, Commander Vinyaya's called a quick Council of War. Nothing formal, but you all have to come." He stared at Artemis with open curiousity.
Just then there was an earsplitting yell that echoed through the halls. "You did WHAT?!" a male voice shouted in the distance.
Holly smiled in relief. "Oh, good, Beetroot's back!"
============================================================
Arctic Circle. Headquarters of covert fairy operation. Very cold.
Lili Frond sat with her hands folded in her neat little lap. She looked alert and eager, like a spaniel that can do tricks.
Takaban limped in, looking hung-over. He also looked run-over, and game-over, and over-and-out. Pale skin clung to his hollow cheekbones, and he seemed to lack the self-esteem to even fold his wings. The circles under his bloodshot eyes were so dark it looked like someone had given him two perfect black eyes.
Without looking at Lili, he walked into a wall. He stood there, forehead pressed against the wall, and slumped.
Chills ran down Lili's back. It would have been amusingly clumsy if it hadn't been for the dead, uncaring look in his eyes. Like he'd seen the wall, but couldn't be bothered to change his course. Like life just wasn't worth it, and it wasn't even worth the trouble to worry about pain. Angst practically reeked from his ratty-looking feathers, which had lost their former raven luster and were now the color of old ash.
"Um," she said quietly.
Takaban's forehead was still pressed against the wall. His eyes rolled back in his head. He slowly slid to the floor and lay completely crumpled there.
"Um, Mr. Takaban? Oh, God!" Lili scurried over to strange winged figure. "D'Arvit! Takaban!" Desperation prompted her instincts. She held out her manicured hand tentatively, tapered fingers hovering just above his gaunt shoulder. Lili never got herself into painful situations, and her healing powers were rarely used. She doubted they could do more than heal a sprained ankle, a bruise, a scrape, little hurts that would just as easily be healed with a kiss and a prayer. A shy little blue spark crept out from her fingernail and fizzed out. Encouraged, Lili held her hand closer.
Takaban's eye snapped open and he caught her wrist. "Don't," he hissed.
"Oh my God, you're back from the dead," Lili blurted, realizing a millisecond later how lame that sounded. "Ow, you're hurting my hand."
He let go stiffly. "Don't do that. Don't do that."
"Mr. Takaban, you don't look very healthy."
"Really. I thought the half-dead look suited me." He set his back against the wall and started pushing himself upright.
"Oh, good," Lili said in relief. "You're okay."
Takaban made a scathingly sarcastic noise. "Do you have the vial?"
Lili pulled it out of her bra.
Without missing a beat, Takaban said, "Good. You've done good work." He paused. "The- the boss wants to see you now."
"The boss?" Lili asked in confusion.
"Of course. Who I get my orders from. You didn't think I came up with these crazed plans myself, did you?" Takaban started to laugh bitterly, but stopped, apparently out of pain. "Not my style. Besides, I've never had the motive. Little underground Haven never really interested me."
Lili still looked confused. She wasn't really interested in Takaban's motives. "So who is the boss?"
Takaban made another sarcastic noise. "Just go through the door and give her the vial." He pointed to a door that Lili had gone through many times. It led to the small room where Takaban kept his laptop.
When Lili entered the room she was half-blinded by a bright light. "Sweet Frond Almighty."
=======================================================
Seated around a table were Holly, Trouble, Butler, and Artemis. Foaly was also present, sitting awkwardly on his haunches and humming quietly to himself. At the head of the table sat Commander Root, looking a lot more relaxed and less ruddy than usual. Wing Commander Vinyaya was seated at the foot of the table. Butler found himself fascinated by the queenly, dryly humorous fairy. Like Holly, Vinyaya managed to pack enough charisma for four humans into a tiny three-foot frame, but unlike Holly, she had a calm sense of maturity and leadership. Perhaps Holly, too, would develop this in time.
"You can't be serious." Artemis's cultured voice covered a whole slew of adjectives. Icy, stony, sharp, and frigidly cold. "I know that my father has accidentally come in contact with a fairy. That is why I bothered to come here. But I will not stand for you accusing him of plotting to undermine Haven. My father is simply not that kind of man."
"Fowl." Root's voice was almost paternal. "I understand that it's hard for you to accept."
"Beetroot understands something?" Trouble breathed into Holly's pointed ear. "I thought he went in for heart surgery, not a lobotomy."
Holly chuckled under her breath, keeping her face as straight as possible. "They must have given him a soft heart," she whispered back. Vinyaya gave them a stern look, as if they were schoolkids back at the Academy, whispering in class.
"There is nothing for me to accept. I am disgusted -- no, outraged -- by what you are saying about my father."
"I know it's not really my place to speak right now," Butler put in calmly, "But Artemis is right. Mr. Fowl was never the kind of man who would deliberately hurt others for gain. He is now more deeply honorable than ever."
Root sighed. Artemis wasn't all that bad a kid these days, and Butler was a man after his own heart. He didn't like being the bearer of bad news. "Fowl, we have proof. Your father financed the terrorists that set off this earthquake."
Artemis's face was sent. "Let me see."
Foaly was brought out of his stupor, by virtue of Vinyaya stepping on his tail. Artemis took the packet of papers he was handed and started leafing through them. Sitting close to his Principal, Butler noticed that the papers were mostly patterns of letters and numbers, meaningless gibberish that looked something like constantly repeating Internet addresses.
The teenaged boy set the papers down in resignation and bowed his head for a minute. When he looked back up, there was resolution in his face. "I see what you mean."
Root and Vinyaya looked intense.
"But there's something odd about this. It's too easy to track my father and this fairy correspondent of his. My father is an intelligent man, and you fairies are paranoid. It makes me think that this is a setup." Artemis steepled his fingers and looked pensive.
There was an expectant silence.
"... So?" Holly ventured.
"So I think that these people not only wanted my father's money, but they wanted to set us against each other. They must expect me to side with my father against you."
Everyone nodded, except Trouble. He looked skeptical. "This is all conjecture."
Holly kicked him under the table and scowled. Trouble glared back. "What?" he mouthed.
"Pay attention," she hissed.
"I have decided," Artemis said regally, drawing everyone's attention to him. "I will join forces with you to eliminate this threat. In return, you will leave my father alone, as he really had no idea what he was doing. And I will expect to be paid for my service."
Commander Root sighed. "It's always about money with you. How much do you want?"
"Oh, I think another half-million ingots will do nicely. Unmarked bars, solid gold. And, of course, I expect it without a grudge or strings attached. No sneaking about trying to steal it behind my back." Artemis grinned his vampire grin. "Agreed?"
"Feh!" Root scoffed. "We're in the middle of a recession!"
Vinyaya spoke for the first time. "Julius, if the boy is only interested in money, than give him the money." Her light, piercing gaze settled on Artemis with a trace of amusement. "That much honest gold will keep him out of trouble for a long time. By the time he spends it all, he won't want to play with fairies any more." She sat back, looking catlike and wise.
Artemis thought, Make a note to watch this Vinyaya in the future.
"All right, all right." Root leaned across the table and held out his hand. "Agreed."
Human and fairy shook hands for the second time. Another historic moment.
Then Artemis spoiled it all by asking sweetly, "Can I have that in writing?"
============================================================
After the Council of War, as it would come to be called, Root and Vinyaya drew off together.
"I'm not even going to ask why you're supporting Fowl," he started.
She smiled demurely. "And I won't answer. You're in a delicate condition after all."
"Do you think we should put Foxy on the case? I've got a hunch that he could help."
Vinyaya thought about it. Then she smiled a wise, wicked smile. "No. Save Kitsune for later. If we keep dealing with Artemis Fowl..."
Their eyes strayed briefly to the eerie human.
"... It might be good for us to have a human-sized fairy he doesn't know about."
=============================================================
Caspian: (awed) I make people dance.
Bob: o.O?? ((Needs very little translation, although emoticons aren't very good at demonstrating fish raising their eyebrows, which is what Bob is doing.))
Caspian: (hushed voice) Working separately, of their own accord, five people danced in reviews and emails when I updated. (stares at computer)
Bob: O.- ((Guess it's up to me to deal with disclaimers n: Oh, ya. He's driven to distraction by all this speculation about his gruesome fate. (beams cheerfully) Smile and wave to the nice reviewers, Taka my boy. Smile and wave.
Takaban: (whimper)
Caspian: He loves you all, really. (jabs him in the side) Remember what I pay you for. (hands him a sheaf of emails)
Takaban: (leafing through them and occasionally whimpering) The Seasyngr (Now known as Puck) says I'm... moulting. I like her, she gets right to the point. Though her muses could stand for a rabies vaccine.
Caspian: But I love her muses!
Takaban: You would. (reading the next one) Maiden Genisis says I've either gone to the dark side--
Random Parrot: (sees cue) Join the Dark Side and I will Spare Your Life!
Takaban: (twats it with pillow) Or I've got parasites which will make my eyes go crusty and eventually kill me. (eyes get large, deerlike and generally puppy-doggish) What? Why? (whimper)
Caspian: (snigger) Good one, Mel... (blinks and looks vaguely sympathetic) Oh, that's...too bad. Not good at all, no.
Takaban: And then there's Trixi...
Bob: O.O ((HI TRIXI!!)) (bounces happily around tank, which starts sliding off table again)
Takaban: ... who has quite a good theory...
(fishtank inevitably falls off table and onto Takaban.)
Takaban: (carefully pulls seaweed out of his hair) ...I hate my life.
Caspian: (sympathetically) I hate your life too.
Squid: If I had a life, I'd hate it!
Takaban: Could we not quote the Muppets. And then there's slime frog, Bryony if you will, who says I have a very short birdy life and will probably kick the bucket any day now. (seethes)
Caspian: Heh. Cheers, Bry! (thumbs up)
Takaban: (twats her with Squid) So who gets this thing?
Caspian: It's up for grabs for now. I'm really enjoying your theories, they're all great. Nobody's hit close to my original idea yet. But some of your ideas struck me as even better. If I do use them, I will ask you first, then give you credit and praise. Thank you so much!
Takaban: Yes, yes, good, good. Now can we close up the chapter? You're covering way too much space! Unlike us, these people have lives!
Caspian: Almost done. At 161 pages long on Microsoft Word, The Ivory Files is the longest humor fic in the AF section. Woot! Thank you all for making this possible. Also, I am sorry that I haven't been replying to reviews like I used to. I don't have Internet anymore. I love you all, and wish I could thank you all by name. So I'll just metaphorically hug you all and say thank you for your wonderful work. And please don't stop! I desperately crave love and attention!
Takaban: You're pathetic.
Caspian: Do not meddle with authors! We have special powers!