Well, this Artemis-centric chapter took its own sweet time in coming out. Artemis has a dream, Grub snuggles, somebody screams, and Caspian bubbles. Excitement! Drama! Pink wires! Silmarils!
The Ivory Files
by Caspian Nyghtvision
Chapter Fifteen: The Fifteenth Chapter
====================================================================
"Broken in two
I know you're onto me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
And not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe.
I shall believe."
-- "I Shall Believe," Sheryl Crow
"There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you.
There's a type of freedom that can tie you down.
Sometimes the unexplained can define you
And sometimes the silence is the only sound."
-- "Hanging by a Thread," Nickel Creek
=====================================================================
"Well, I don't suppose I can detain you any longer," the medic said disapprovingly, eying the disreputable trio.
Fallacy had been struck by an out-of-character moment of sanity; he sat quietly in a corner and fashioned a Superman cape out of the bilious hospital-room curtains. He composed a theme song to himself.
"Fallacy-dude, he's the bravest of the brave.
He's got jabberwocks to defeat
And pretty Grubs to save.
Sometimes things get in his way,
Like strange blue squirrels named Dave.
But Fallacy doesn't mind.
He's the bravest of the brave."
Some poor soul had given Grub soap and water to clean up the soda spill, and the small elf had poured it all over the floor to make a skating rink. He was currently sliding around in bare feet, slipping on the soap, crashing into things, injuring himself, and getting back up to do it again. Perhaps the famous rapid-healing powers of the People weren't such a blessing after all.
Kitsune stared at the ceiling, gibbering quietly in Japanese and frothing slightly at the corners of the mouth. While making strangling motions in the air with his hands, he inadvertently set his IV's and part of the ceiling tile on fire.
"Right then. Out you go." The medic whacked Grub on the head with his clipboard and tossed him into the all. "All of you, out. I'm not wasting any more charity morphine on you people when there's perfectly good earthquake victims to make money off of."
"What?" Kitsune asked in confusion as he was given his things and shoved out the door. "Um, Random-Medic-san... what are we supposed to do now?"
In reply, the medic chased them out of the halls with a clipboard. Fallacy barely had time to put on his new cape. The three of them stood in the street, looking lost.
"Don't worry, big guy. Fallacy 'n' I'll take good care of you." Grub attempted to drape his arm over Kitsune's shoulder in a manly, brotherly fashion. Unfortunately for Kitsune's dignity, Grub Kelp stood slightly under three feet tall, while Kitsune stood about five foot one. Grub ended up cuddling Kitsune's waist like Pepe le Pew and that cat he was always chasing.
"DamnDAMNdamnDAMNdamndamn." Kitsune started strangling the air again, but stopped when he set his own hair on fire.
Grub looked injured. "What, don't you want our help?"
"Not really, no. And stop that... snuggling. It's disturbing."
===========================================================
--- In his dream, Artemis stood in a dark room. In front of him was a pot filled with an odd kind of liquid. It was purplish-brown, the bubbles in it whizzing up, rocketing down, and bouncing violently off each other, or fizzing noisily up to the frothing top in a chaotic lime-green cloud. Occasionally it seemed to roil pink, but it was hard to tell in this dim light.---
--- In the dream, he spoke. 'Butler, I believe it is ready. Now we need to test it with metal.' ---
--- With great ceremony, Butler produced Mulch Diggums. Holding the dwarf upside down, the manservant slapped him heartily on the rear. Several spoons fell out of Mulch's various pockets. Artemis accepted one and dipped it into the liquid. Excitement surged through him; he could hardly keep his hand still. 'This, old friend, is the moment of truth.' ---
--- Artemis withdrew the spoon. The metal had turned to purest gold, shedding droplets like liquid light. He turned it back and forth in the light, marveling. His dream-voice strangled with uncharacteristic emotion, he choked, 'I have done it, Butler! I have discovered the long-lost secret of the fairies! I, Artemis Fowl the Second, have discovered ALCHEMY!' ---
--- Time to wake up...---
----------------
For some obscure reason, it was time to wake up. Artemis the Second did not particularly know why; his body was just sending him very urgent signals. With great reluctance, he tore himself away from the fascinating dream and swam blearily towards consciousness, passing through several dream fragments on the way.
Artemis opened his eyes to find his father standing by his bed, tousling his hair in a fatherly way. There was a cheerful smile on the man's face, a lively glint in his indigo eyes. 'Time to wake up,' he smiled.
Artemis peered at his father muzzily, closed his eyes, and reopened them experimentally. His vision blurred in the weird light between sleeping and waking, when one isn't sure if one is still dreaming. This time it was Holly Short who stood over him, an odd, tender smile on her face as she ran her fingers through his hair. 'Time to wake up, Artemis,' she whispered.
It was a pleasant dream, but Artemis had things to do, so he opened his eyes again. Holly turned into a small creature in a black jumpsuit. It ran its fingers through his hair again, got a tighter grip on the slippery, expensively conditioned strands, and pulled his head back. A weapon of some sort pressed against his chin.
"Go back to sleep, Mud Boy," it said menacingly. Artemis thought the menace was unnecessary. After all, it was the one with the gun. It didn't need to say anything at all to be menacing. Well, it was only a dream; and as Dr. Po would say, dreams are allowed to be irrational.
"Stop fighting it," the being said, more softly this time, with layers to its voice like a chocolate cake. "Sleep."
His dreams were being very strange tonight. He would have to remember them in the morning.
Some spark in his mind, the one that had woken him up, was telling Artemis rather frantically that something was wrong. But his body was sleepily shooing his mind away and drifting back into unconsciousness. It was like wandering through dark fog.
The being in the black jumpsuit rolled its eyes. "Bloody Mud Boys," it stated to the bedroom in general. It set the gun against his jugular, setting its power output all the way past the 'You Might Feel A Slight Shock' setting to 'Just About Powerful Enough to Kill A Stinkworm."
Artemis fought with himself. His mind had woken itself up and was running a system analysis. There was something. Something wrong. Holly? No. It was someone else... but he couldn't open his eyes, his body was betraying him and staying in the exact same state of half-awakeness.
Same state of half-awakeness... this meant something. This meant something very important that was connected to the figure in his bedroom. But Artemis could not think farther; he could not wake up any more.
The gun's trigger went back just as Artemis's eyes opened, looking almost black in the growing light. And in that moment the being regretted pulling the trigger. Something in its basic nature winced at hurting a young human. Not a debilitating wince, just a standard "Oh dear, they really are a lot like us, such a pity they're a race of ignorant lunatics, it's a bit like shooting a very large, mentally-challenged, greedy baby" wince.
Oh well. Too late for second thoughts. The boy fought for an instant, then slumped back, stunned. His dark eyes flared wide enough to swallow goldfish, then slowly closed, eyelashes locking together like the tendrils of bird feathers.
"Beautiful Mud Boy," the fairy whispered as it slid him off the bed.
-------------------------------------------------------
Commander Root's Home
--------------------------------------------------------
Vinyaya had been here a few times and was always amazed that the Public Health And Sanitation And Clean Air And Other Stuff For Your Own Good Committee hadn't quarantined the place. It was quite a nice building, though she'd never seen the inside of it; just Root in the doorway and a whole lot of smoke. She wasn't sure if he lived in a huge condo or a small apartment; she wasn't even sure if Root lived with anyone. Oddly, she had never found the right time to ask.
"Something's wrong with Fowl."
"Something's always wrong with Fowl."
Vinyaya didn't say anything; she just gave him a Look, her catlike eyes narrowed, her eyebrows cocked and alert. It was rather terrifying.
"You'll be seeing omens in phlegm pots next," Root mumbled, his dark brown eyes sliding off into middle distance somewhere.
"I'm not pretending to be psychic. I'm just... tying things together. It was wrong of us to let him go back. He's in danger now."
"The child," Root said icily, "Is always in danger. If he isn't in danger, he's figuring out how to get into danger. This is none of our business." He began to shut the door.
"No, D'Arvit, Julius!" Vinyaya slammed her slight body against the door. "What the hell's wrong with you? You used to be a wildcard! You used to be cool, for crying out loud!" Her voice dropped, taking on a sly tone. "I suppose it might be all the extra weight you're carrying around these days... what with that and your age, it must be hard to get excited about things anymore..."
There was a slight, pregnant pause.
Root opened the door again, having somehow managed to belt on his Official Gun, holster his matched pair Neutrino pistols, throw on his helmet, and conceal the various bits of random unofficial weaponry that he always seemed to have on hand when they were needed. He was in uniform, of course. Root was one of those people who seemed to have been born in uniform. He presumably took it off to bathe, but of course nobody thought of that, because they didn't want to imagine Root bathing.
"I have my guns now. What are we doing?" he said calmly.
---------------
RANDOM EXPOSITION
--------------
In the old days of humanity...
Not the old days of humanity a couple of decades ago, when the loonies of the previous generation thought that DDT and shag carpeting were good ideas. Those are actually not very old.
The really old days. Millenia ago. The Dark Ages.
When rowan was tied above the doorways. When holy water was worth more than gold and iron was laid in children's beds. When people went to bed as soon as the light left, because these were the Dark Ages after all, and the dark night belonged to Other People.
And the humans put out bowls of milk on the doorstep for the Other People, because cows don't want just anybody messing around with their udders, and fairies need milk to make cheese to keep the Bog Pizzeria in business.
It was a good enough arrangement. But sometimes the deals would be broken and a human child would be stolen from its bed. Because humans have their own powers, which the fairies never really understood. And sometimes there would be a fairy that more lust for power than common sense, and it would wrap its long little fingers around a child's hand and steal it away.
Ooh. Foreshadowing.
--------------
Fowl Manor
---------------
Outside of Fowl Manor glowed a beautiful blue time-stop. Shimmering like the wings of a morpho butterfly, it swallowed up the ancient house like a thing that swallows very big houses.
Everything within the time-stop remained in the state it had been in when the glowing blue bubble went up. Mice were awake, scurrying around in the random mindless way of mice everywhere. Angeline Fowl was asleep, her hair spread over the pillow and one long thin arm thrown over the sleeping form of her husband. We do not want to go there. Parent/lovers are just too squicky. But they would not wake up until the bubble broke up.
Butler was sleeping. His Sig Sauer was under his pillow, his breathing was deep, visions of sugarplums were dancing in his head. He would not leave the REM state until the bubble broke up.
Artemis was semi-conscious and would remain so, struggling to wake, but his body unable to do so. The fairy captors (more of them had entered the room) did not bother with tying him up; they began to drag his body to a hover-trolley that was waiting outside the window.
"I'm worried about this," worried one Fairy Captor. "What if Butler wakes up?"
"Butler won't wake up, you minion. The time stop, remember?" hissed a different F.C.. This was the original one, who had shot Artemis. It seemed impatient.
"But, but, I'm scared. What about the burglar system?"
"Shut up and get his arm. Trix, you're taking care of the alarm, right?"
An obviously junior fairy stood on the windowsill, its terrified little voice quavering through its helmet. Shaking hands held a pair of pliers to a tiny circuit in the windowpane. "I think so. I cut the blue wire and twisted the chartreuse wire around the fuschia one, which should short-circuit the, er, alarm for this window. Unless, of course, um, I was supposed to tie the fuschia one around the blue one and strip the taupe one, in which cause, um, we're screwed. No, wait, strip the pink one and twist the--"
"D'Arvit, you two are so unprofessional it makes me sick." The Impatient F.C. snarled. "All right, on the count of three, we lift--"
"Wait! What about the invitation?" the Worried F.C. burst out.
The Impatient Fairy Captor dropped Artemis's head on the floor. The boy bounced, but could not wake. Placing gloved hands on its hips, the Impatient F.C. turned to face its Worried comrade. "What about the invitation?"
"Um, who was supposed to, um, deal with it?"
There was a long pause.
"Trix is doing the alarms. Spud is steering the hovertrolley. Figgin is maintaining the time stop and Trillium is driving the getaway. I broke in and made sure the Mud Boy was neutralized." The Impatient Fairy Captor let the pause stretch on for several heartbeats. "Now, Marcus, who do you think was supposed to deal with the invitation?"
Marcus the Inept Dwarf -- for it was he! -- thought about this.
"You were," the Impatient F.C. seethed impatiently.
"Oh."
"You do realize we're in a time limit here?! You do realize that it's only because of these --" here the Impatient F.C. tapped the shining, silvery tooth-shaped badge on its collarbone -- "That we got in at ALL? D'Arvit, go DEAL with the INVITATION!"
"Okay..." Marcus trudged off, chastised.
"And HURRY!"
Marcus trudged hurriedly through the halls of Fowl Manor...
---
The fairies had assumed that humans, being diurnal, would go to sleep at night. It made sense. They assumed that everyone in Fowl Manor would be quietly, docilely asleep when they set up their time stop. They hadn't bothered to check.
They had forgotten that the house contained a hyperactive teenage girl with a computer.
The computer had an Internet connection. At the other end of the Internet connection was a rabid Tolkien fan with a new disciple to instruct.
Technically, the time-stop disrupted the 'Net, but for some reason, the IM program was working fine. It might have been because it was running before the bubble was set up. The world may never know. But it was working.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: ... and so Luthien and Beren stole the Silmaril from Morgoth's iron crown.
JadePrincess: ... Tell me again who Morgoth is?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: THE MENTOR OF SAURON!!
JadePrincess: Giant Flaming Eye Boy?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: YES!!
JadePrincess: Then who was that creepy guy in white with the totally nasty manicure?
Juliet -- aka JadePrincess -- stopped typing long enough to look around. It was very late, but she wasn't tired at all. In fact, she felt almost exactly the same. She turned back to the computer, where the virtual ravings of her mentor were filling up the screen.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: SARUMAN! SARUMAAAAAN!!
JadePrincess: Excuse me a mo, I'm gonna check my email.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: SARUUU-- Bah.
Juliet looked at the computer suspiciously and hit it. The Web page stayed the same; frozen and jittery. She shook the mouse and hit some random buttons. Nothing happened.
The blonde stood up, her legs cramping, and went to the back of the computer. She put her ear to the little fan, gave the computer a few gentle duffs, and prodded the modem. The Web page stayed totally frozen. What's more, the computer clock had apparently stopped hours ago... at least it felt like hours ago... sort of.
"Weird." She scratched her head, thinking. A lifetime spent with her brother and the Fowls had taught her that weird little things often meant weird big things. And she had felt something like this before.
JadePrincess: Hey Evil, I gotta go.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: -- And Elwing, mother of Elros and Elrond, jumped off a cliff with the OTHER Silmaril and spontaneously turned into a seagull, which -- Bah. Fine. Go. DON'T learn about Middle Earth's impressive back history. See if I care.
Juliet shook her ponytail in disbelief and left the room.
-----
Marcus the Inept Dwarf trundled quickly through the halls, using a handy positioning device to figure out where he had to go. He stopped at the door to Angeline's study, clamped a device to the lock, and was inside within seconds.
In a pink hat box in the right-hand corner of Angeline's junk closet was a collection of things from Artemis's infancy. Fairy-sized socks, weird little bonnet things, random things that sentimental mothers keep. Artemis's first fingerpainting; Artemis's first book; Artemis's first microchip; Artemis's first dissertation. A collection of Obligatory Humiliating Baby Pictures That Parents Keep For Some Obscure Legal Reason, Possibly Blackmail; Baby Artemis eating caviar with his fingers with the bowl upside down on his head, Baby Artemis naked and glowering in the bathtub, Baby Artemis sitting in Santa's lap and looking terrified, Baby Artemis eating crayons, Baby Artemis eating Daddy's Savings Bonds. These were rather hilarious, and Marcus was tempted to snitch one or two and post them on the Internet.
But it wasn't what he'd come for. He'd come for the little vial in the box, filled with a dozen tiny pearly objects. Angeline had kept Artemis's baby teeth, which was how Marcus and his companions had managed to get in. 'Tooth Fairies' had a neat little loophole in the invitation system.
Marcus carefully put the vial into a lead-lined jar, and placed a small worthless coin in the hat box. Invitation ritual dealt with, time to get out.
On impulse he grabbed one of the pictures. You never know when you might need Embarrassing Personal Information.
-----
One other inhabitant of the house was still awake. Well, if we aren't counting the various rodents, insects, and the ancient and venerable badger that lived in the wine cellar.
Mulch Diggums was nocturnal, and, deprived of his drinking partner, his drinks and his Ceiling, was wandering around in a state of Phase Six Drunkenness. He should have moved on to unconsciousness and drooling by now, but, you know, the time stop.
He was currently arguing with a creepy painting of Aobhain Fowl the Fifth.
"An', an', an' shtop lookin at me like tha.' I'm a, I'm a thingy, armadillo. Anthrax. Armada. No. Yah, thash right, you there, stinky vampire person. I see ya lookin at me. I'm Dilch Muggims, an,' an,' an,' I forget. But stop lookin at me like -- you're doin' it! STOP LOOKING AT ME!"
Mulch staggered away, into a marble bust of Adonis Fowl. The resulting screech and crash would have woken the dead, if it hadn't been for the time stop. The marble bust rocked on its pedestal and gave Mulch a stony glare.
"AAAH! Creepy marbly zombie person! Don't look at meee..."
The statue continued to stare disapprovingly. Mulch began to weep.
"Noooo... Vampire Zombie Fowl People, everywheeeeere...."
----
Juliet sprang into Artemis's room like a very angry, armed blonde person defending her turf in the very early morning. She had no gun, but the butcher knife in her hand had a cold, primal glitter in the starlight.
The Fairy Captors jumped about a foot in the air and scattered. Trix, the incompetent burglar-alarm hacker, screamed and fell off the windowsill. Fortunately, the young fairy landed on the hover trolley outside.
The Impatient Fairy Captor dropped Artemis again (he bounced) and whipped out its Neutrino, firing with definite intent to kill. Improbably, Juliet dodged, flattening gracefully to the floor. She sprang up on one hand and tackled the fairy without hesitation. The gun went skidding off into a corner.
Girl and fairy locked together on the floor. Juliet was bigger, but the fairy was wiggly, and it pulled out its buzz baton. Juliet had managed to keep her butcher knife, and fended off the sparking baton. She pressed her hand to the fairy's face, blinding and smothering it.
Such a little face, barely bigger than a baby's... she didn't really want to squish it.
The fairy grabbed the knife handle and slammed it backwards into Juliet's forehead.
"Trix! Trix, dammit!" The Impatient Fairy Captor wriggled out from Juliet's weight. "Help me get the kid on the trolley! We have to get out NOW!"
Trix staggered in through the windowsill, pointing and whimpering. "But. But. But Butler. Bad. Bub."
"Just get him through the window."
----
"OH, Sweet TOAD on a STICK!" Mulch sprinted through the venerable halls, stalked by portraits of creepy Fowls. "They're EVERYWHERE! Aaaagh."
Crash.
Two dwarves extricated themselves from the pile of medieval armor and the stuffed polar bear.
Mulch looked up muzzily, recognizing the dwarf who had run into him. He smiled blithely. "Marcus! How are you?"
"Uhhh... good." Marcus got up and desperately tried to figure out which way was left.
"Great! How are the kids?"
"Uhhh.... I don't have any."
"Wonderful! Imagine, you coming all this way just to visit little old me!"
"Uh, yes. Hello, Mulch."
"Now, it's funny, there was some reason why I wanted to talk to you a while ago, but I can't remember. I remember it seemed rather important at the time. Gee, that's funny." Mulch stroked his beard happily. "What was it?"
Marcus got his bearings and took off at a dead run.
"Oh... yes! You owe me money!" Mulch's mood promptly swung due murderous. "You owe me a quarter ton of gold, you bastard! Get back here!"
He sprinted down the halls, shielding his face from the Vampire Zombie Portrait People.
-----AND, ON THE OFF CHANCE YOU WERE WONDERING ABOUT CASPIAN---------
Caspian sat in the back seat of the hovercar and bubbled. She was actually fuming, but she was so wet that it came out as sort of an enraged gurgling noise.
After amusing herself by attempting to create an origami weapon out of a bit of magazine with both hands tied behind her back and her mouth gagged (Note to readers: It can't be done. Unless your idea of a weapon is the Soggy Crumpled Bit of Magazine that Gives You the Paper Cut of Doom) Caspian tried to pick the lock of the door with her toes. (Note to readers: This can be done quite easily, assuming the child lock is not on.) The child lock was on.
Failing this, Caspian intrepidly rubbed her face against the seatbelt, which had been strapped across her chest, pinning her against the seat. She managed to work the gag down her chin, and the choked bubbling turned into swearing in various languages, all of which had an atrocious American accent.
Once Caspian realized that nobody could possibly hear her cursing, she damned them all to hell and began to gnaw through the seatbelt.
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Absolutely Shameless Plugging:
Okay! It's been total eternities since my last post! I don't know why you put up with me! I have a few new fics out now, which were taking up a lot of time. Anyway...
Item One: A Cowrite! Whee! The Eminent Spectra16 and I wrote an Artemis Fowl Humor Oneshot. Go read it, it's good for you. It's posted here: Two: The Ivory Files has another sister fic, "Action Fairy Unplugged" by Khana-Chan! A humor one-shot about the band, Fairypop and the Heat Sensors, and a live concert they give during an underground disaster. Three: Caspian and the Netherworld Flamingo have a cameo in the new chapter of That Aerin's "Heart of Time." You should read the fic anyway, it's one of the best OC's out there. Also starring... Noodlewhip! Four: Thanks to Black Knight, LizBeth37 and Blue Yeti, one of my fics got into Criminality. Whee! "Idiot Savant" can also be found here at ff.net. Humor/Drama/Parody/Angst. Worth a look, I think.
For our anonymous reviewers... cheers, BeatlesLover. I don't know if you love me or hate me, but I'm glad for your reviews. They are appreciated, and I can't believe how quickly you seem to be reading the fic. Bob asked me to give you this flower. offers you a soggy flower Also, Meade's name is pronounced Mee-ADD. We think...
As for Bubbly Hooplah... bursts into tears I've been TRYING! It's just HARD to write now! cries incoherently on your shoulder Mom... firing range... scizophrenia... writer's block... CANADA!
Cheers to all reviewers, old and new. I love you all, and hope the next chapter comes out quicker.
The Ivory Files
by Caspian Nyghtvision
Chapter Fifteen: The Fifteenth Chapter
====================================================================
"Broken in two
I know you're onto me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
And not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe.
I shall believe."
-- "I Shall Believe," Sheryl Crow
"There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you.
There's a type of freedom that can tie you down.
Sometimes the unexplained can define you
And sometimes the silence is the only sound."
-- "Hanging by a Thread," Nickel Creek
=====================================================================
"Well, I don't suppose I can detain you any longer," the medic said disapprovingly, eying the disreputable trio.
Fallacy had been struck by an out-of-character moment of sanity; he sat quietly in a corner and fashioned a Superman cape out of the bilious hospital-room curtains. He composed a theme song to himself.
"Fallacy-dude, he's the bravest of the brave.
He's got jabberwocks to defeat
And pretty Grubs to save.
Sometimes things get in his way,
Like strange blue squirrels named Dave.
But Fallacy doesn't mind.
He's the bravest of the brave."
Some poor soul had given Grub soap and water to clean up the soda spill, and the small elf had poured it all over the floor to make a skating rink. He was currently sliding around in bare feet, slipping on the soap, crashing into things, injuring himself, and getting back up to do it again. Perhaps the famous rapid-healing powers of the People weren't such a blessing after all.
Kitsune stared at the ceiling, gibbering quietly in Japanese and frothing slightly at the corners of the mouth. While making strangling motions in the air with his hands, he inadvertently set his IV's and part of the ceiling tile on fire.
"Right then. Out you go." The medic whacked Grub on the head with his clipboard and tossed him into the all. "All of you, out. I'm not wasting any more charity morphine on you people when there's perfectly good earthquake victims to make money off of."
"What?" Kitsune asked in confusion as he was given his things and shoved out the door. "Um, Random-Medic-san... what are we supposed to do now?"
In reply, the medic chased them out of the halls with a clipboard. Fallacy barely had time to put on his new cape. The three of them stood in the street, looking lost.
"Don't worry, big guy. Fallacy 'n' I'll take good care of you." Grub attempted to drape his arm over Kitsune's shoulder in a manly, brotherly fashion. Unfortunately for Kitsune's dignity, Grub Kelp stood slightly under three feet tall, while Kitsune stood about five foot one. Grub ended up cuddling Kitsune's waist like Pepe le Pew and that cat he was always chasing.
"DamnDAMNdamnDAMNdamndamn." Kitsune started strangling the air again, but stopped when he set his own hair on fire.
Grub looked injured. "What, don't you want our help?"
"Not really, no. And stop that... snuggling. It's disturbing."
===========================================================
--- In his dream, Artemis stood in a dark room. In front of him was a pot filled with an odd kind of liquid. It was purplish-brown, the bubbles in it whizzing up, rocketing down, and bouncing violently off each other, or fizzing noisily up to the frothing top in a chaotic lime-green cloud. Occasionally it seemed to roil pink, but it was hard to tell in this dim light.---
--- In the dream, he spoke. 'Butler, I believe it is ready. Now we need to test it with metal.' ---
--- With great ceremony, Butler produced Mulch Diggums. Holding the dwarf upside down, the manservant slapped him heartily on the rear. Several spoons fell out of Mulch's various pockets. Artemis accepted one and dipped it into the liquid. Excitement surged through him; he could hardly keep his hand still. 'This, old friend, is the moment of truth.' ---
--- Artemis withdrew the spoon. The metal had turned to purest gold, shedding droplets like liquid light. He turned it back and forth in the light, marveling. His dream-voice strangled with uncharacteristic emotion, he choked, 'I have done it, Butler! I have discovered the long-lost secret of the fairies! I, Artemis Fowl the Second, have discovered ALCHEMY!' ---
--- Time to wake up...---
----------------
For some obscure reason, it was time to wake up. Artemis the Second did not particularly know why; his body was just sending him very urgent signals. With great reluctance, he tore himself away from the fascinating dream and swam blearily towards consciousness, passing through several dream fragments on the way.
Artemis opened his eyes to find his father standing by his bed, tousling his hair in a fatherly way. There was a cheerful smile on the man's face, a lively glint in his indigo eyes. 'Time to wake up,' he smiled.
Artemis peered at his father muzzily, closed his eyes, and reopened them experimentally. His vision blurred in the weird light between sleeping and waking, when one isn't sure if one is still dreaming. This time it was Holly Short who stood over him, an odd, tender smile on her face as she ran her fingers through his hair. 'Time to wake up, Artemis,' she whispered.
It was a pleasant dream, but Artemis had things to do, so he opened his eyes again. Holly turned into a small creature in a black jumpsuit. It ran its fingers through his hair again, got a tighter grip on the slippery, expensively conditioned strands, and pulled his head back. A weapon of some sort pressed against his chin.
"Go back to sleep, Mud Boy," it said menacingly. Artemis thought the menace was unnecessary. After all, it was the one with the gun. It didn't need to say anything at all to be menacing. Well, it was only a dream; and as Dr. Po would say, dreams are allowed to be irrational.
"Stop fighting it," the being said, more softly this time, with layers to its voice like a chocolate cake. "Sleep."
His dreams were being very strange tonight. He would have to remember them in the morning.
Some spark in his mind, the one that had woken him up, was telling Artemis rather frantically that something was wrong. But his body was sleepily shooing his mind away and drifting back into unconsciousness. It was like wandering through dark fog.
The being in the black jumpsuit rolled its eyes. "Bloody Mud Boys," it stated to the bedroom in general. It set the gun against his jugular, setting its power output all the way past the 'You Might Feel A Slight Shock' setting to 'Just About Powerful Enough to Kill A Stinkworm."
Artemis fought with himself. His mind had woken itself up and was running a system analysis. There was something. Something wrong. Holly? No. It was someone else... but he couldn't open his eyes, his body was betraying him and staying in the exact same state of half-awakeness.
Same state of half-awakeness... this meant something. This meant something very important that was connected to the figure in his bedroom. But Artemis could not think farther; he could not wake up any more.
The gun's trigger went back just as Artemis's eyes opened, looking almost black in the growing light. And in that moment the being regretted pulling the trigger. Something in its basic nature winced at hurting a young human. Not a debilitating wince, just a standard "Oh dear, they really are a lot like us, such a pity they're a race of ignorant lunatics, it's a bit like shooting a very large, mentally-challenged, greedy baby" wince.
Oh well. Too late for second thoughts. The boy fought for an instant, then slumped back, stunned. His dark eyes flared wide enough to swallow goldfish, then slowly closed, eyelashes locking together like the tendrils of bird feathers.
"Beautiful Mud Boy," the fairy whispered as it slid him off the bed.
-------------------------------------------------------
Commander Root's Home
--------------------------------------------------------
Vinyaya had been here a few times and was always amazed that the Public Health And Sanitation And Clean Air And Other Stuff For Your Own Good Committee hadn't quarantined the place. It was quite a nice building, though she'd never seen the inside of it; just Root in the doorway and a whole lot of smoke. She wasn't sure if he lived in a huge condo or a small apartment; she wasn't even sure if Root lived with anyone. Oddly, she had never found the right time to ask.
"Something's wrong with Fowl."
"Something's always wrong with Fowl."
Vinyaya didn't say anything; she just gave him a Look, her catlike eyes narrowed, her eyebrows cocked and alert. It was rather terrifying.
"You'll be seeing omens in phlegm pots next," Root mumbled, his dark brown eyes sliding off into middle distance somewhere.
"I'm not pretending to be psychic. I'm just... tying things together. It was wrong of us to let him go back. He's in danger now."
"The child," Root said icily, "Is always in danger. If he isn't in danger, he's figuring out how to get into danger. This is none of our business." He began to shut the door.
"No, D'Arvit, Julius!" Vinyaya slammed her slight body against the door. "What the hell's wrong with you? You used to be a wildcard! You used to be cool, for crying out loud!" Her voice dropped, taking on a sly tone. "I suppose it might be all the extra weight you're carrying around these days... what with that and your age, it must be hard to get excited about things anymore..."
There was a slight, pregnant pause.
Root opened the door again, having somehow managed to belt on his Official Gun, holster his matched pair Neutrino pistols, throw on his helmet, and conceal the various bits of random unofficial weaponry that he always seemed to have on hand when they were needed. He was in uniform, of course. Root was one of those people who seemed to have been born in uniform. He presumably took it off to bathe, but of course nobody thought of that, because they didn't want to imagine Root bathing.
"I have my guns now. What are we doing?" he said calmly.
---------------
RANDOM EXPOSITION
--------------
In the old days of humanity...
Not the old days of humanity a couple of decades ago, when the loonies of the previous generation thought that DDT and shag carpeting were good ideas. Those are actually not very old.
The really old days. Millenia ago. The Dark Ages.
When rowan was tied above the doorways. When holy water was worth more than gold and iron was laid in children's beds. When people went to bed as soon as the light left, because these were the Dark Ages after all, and the dark night belonged to Other People.
And the humans put out bowls of milk on the doorstep for the Other People, because cows don't want just anybody messing around with their udders, and fairies need milk to make cheese to keep the Bog Pizzeria in business.
It was a good enough arrangement. But sometimes the deals would be broken and a human child would be stolen from its bed. Because humans have their own powers, which the fairies never really understood. And sometimes there would be a fairy that more lust for power than common sense, and it would wrap its long little fingers around a child's hand and steal it away.
Ooh. Foreshadowing.
--------------
Fowl Manor
---------------
Outside of Fowl Manor glowed a beautiful blue time-stop. Shimmering like the wings of a morpho butterfly, it swallowed up the ancient house like a thing that swallows very big houses.
Everything within the time-stop remained in the state it had been in when the glowing blue bubble went up. Mice were awake, scurrying around in the random mindless way of mice everywhere. Angeline Fowl was asleep, her hair spread over the pillow and one long thin arm thrown over the sleeping form of her husband. We do not want to go there. Parent/lovers are just too squicky. But they would not wake up until the bubble broke up.
Butler was sleeping. His Sig Sauer was under his pillow, his breathing was deep, visions of sugarplums were dancing in his head. He would not leave the REM state until the bubble broke up.
Artemis was semi-conscious and would remain so, struggling to wake, but his body unable to do so. The fairy captors (more of them had entered the room) did not bother with tying him up; they began to drag his body to a hover-trolley that was waiting outside the window.
"I'm worried about this," worried one Fairy Captor. "What if Butler wakes up?"
"Butler won't wake up, you minion. The time stop, remember?" hissed a different F.C.. This was the original one, who had shot Artemis. It seemed impatient.
"But, but, I'm scared. What about the burglar system?"
"Shut up and get his arm. Trix, you're taking care of the alarm, right?"
An obviously junior fairy stood on the windowsill, its terrified little voice quavering through its helmet. Shaking hands held a pair of pliers to a tiny circuit in the windowpane. "I think so. I cut the blue wire and twisted the chartreuse wire around the fuschia one, which should short-circuit the, er, alarm for this window. Unless, of course, um, I was supposed to tie the fuschia one around the blue one and strip the taupe one, in which cause, um, we're screwed. No, wait, strip the pink one and twist the--"
"D'Arvit, you two are so unprofessional it makes me sick." The Impatient F.C. snarled. "All right, on the count of three, we lift--"
"Wait! What about the invitation?" the Worried F.C. burst out.
The Impatient Fairy Captor dropped Artemis's head on the floor. The boy bounced, but could not wake. Placing gloved hands on its hips, the Impatient F.C. turned to face its Worried comrade. "What about the invitation?"
"Um, who was supposed to, um, deal with it?"
There was a long pause.
"Trix is doing the alarms. Spud is steering the hovertrolley. Figgin is maintaining the time stop and Trillium is driving the getaway. I broke in and made sure the Mud Boy was neutralized." The Impatient Fairy Captor let the pause stretch on for several heartbeats. "Now, Marcus, who do you think was supposed to deal with the invitation?"
Marcus the Inept Dwarf -- for it was he! -- thought about this.
"You were," the Impatient F.C. seethed impatiently.
"Oh."
"You do realize we're in a time limit here?! You do realize that it's only because of these --" here the Impatient F.C. tapped the shining, silvery tooth-shaped badge on its collarbone -- "That we got in at ALL? D'Arvit, go DEAL with the INVITATION!"
"Okay..." Marcus trudged off, chastised.
"And HURRY!"
Marcus trudged hurriedly through the halls of Fowl Manor...
---
The fairies had assumed that humans, being diurnal, would go to sleep at night. It made sense. They assumed that everyone in Fowl Manor would be quietly, docilely asleep when they set up their time stop. They hadn't bothered to check.
They had forgotten that the house contained a hyperactive teenage girl with a computer.
The computer had an Internet connection. At the other end of the Internet connection was a rabid Tolkien fan with a new disciple to instruct.
Technically, the time-stop disrupted the 'Net, but for some reason, the IM program was working fine. It might have been because it was running before the bubble was set up. The world may never know. But it was working.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: ... and so Luthien and Beren stole the Silmaril from Morgoth's iron crown.
JadePrincess: ... Tell me again who Morgoth is?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: THE MENTOR OF SAURON!!
JadePrincess: Giant Flaming Eye Boy?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: YES!!
JadePrincess: Then who was that creepy guy in white with the totally nasty manicure?
Juliet -- aka JadePrincess -- stopped typing long enough to look around. It was very late, but she wasn't tired at all. In fact, she felt almost exactly the same. She turned back to the computer, where the virtual ravings of her mentor were filling up the screen.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: SARUMAN! SARUMAAAAAN!!
JadePrincess: Excuse me a mo, I'm gonna check my email.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: SARUUU-- Bah.
Juliet looked at the computer suspiciously and hit it. The Web page stayed the same; frozen and jittery. She shook the mouse and hit some random buttons. Nothing happened.
The blonde stood up, her legs cramping, and went to the back of the computer. She put her ear to the little fan, gave the computer a few gentle duffs, and prodded the modem. The Web page stayed totally frozen. What's more, the computer clock had apparently stopped hours ago... at least it felt like hours ago... sort of.
"Weird." She scratched her head, thinking. A lifetime spent with her brother and the Fowls had taught her that weird little things often meant weird big things. And she had felt something like this before.
JadePrincess: Hey Evil, I gotta go.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: -- And Elwing, mother of Elros and Elrond, jumped off a cliff with the OTHER Silmaril and spontaneously turned into a seagull, which -- Bah. Fine. Go. DON'T learn about Middle Earth's impressive back history. See if I care.
Juliet shook her ponytail in disbelief and left the room.
-----
Marcus the Inept Dwarf trundled quickly through the halls, using a handy positioning device to figure out where he had to go. He stopped at the door to Angeline's study, clamped a device to the lock, and was inside within seconds.
In a pink hat box in the right-hand corner of Angeline's junk closet was a collection of things from Artemis's infancy. Fairy-sized socks, weird little bonnet things, random things that sentimental mothers keep. Artemis's first fingerpainting; Artemis's first book; Artemis's first microchip; Artemis's first dissertation. A collection of Obligatory Humiliating Baby Pictures That Parents Keep For Some Obscure Legal Reason, Possibly Blackmail; Baby Artemis eating caviar with his fingers with the bowl upside down on his head, Baby Artemis naked and glowering in the bathtub, Baby Artemis sitting in Santa's lap and looking terrified, Baby Artemis eating crayons, Baby Artemis eating Daddy's Savings Bonds. These were rather hilarious, and Marcus was tempted to snitch one or two and post them on the Internet.
But it wasn't what he'd come for. He'd come for the little vial in the box, filled with a dozen tiny pearly objects. Angeline had kept Artemis's baby teeth, which was how Marcus and his companions had managed to get in. 'Tooth Fairies' had a neat little loophole in the invitation system.
Marcus carefully put the vial into a lead-lined jar, and placed a small worthless coin in the hat box. Invitation ritual dealt with, time to get out.
On impulse he grabbed one of the pictures. You never know when you might need Embarrassing Personal Information.
-----
One other inhabitant of the house was still awake. Well, if we aren't counting the various rodents, insects, and the ancient and venerable badger that lived in the wine cellar.
Mulch Diggums was nocturnal, and, deprived of his drinking partner, his drinks and his Ceiling, was wandering around in a state of Phase Six Drunkenness. He should have moved on to unconsciousness and drooling by now, but, you know, the time stop.
He was currently arguing with a creepy painting of Aobhain Fowl the Fifth.
"An', an', an' shtop lookin at me like tha.' I'm a, I'm a thingy, armadillo. Anthrax. Armada. No. Yah, thash right, you there, stinky vampire person. I see ya lookin at me. I'm Dilch Muggims, an,' an,' an,' I forget. But stop lookin at me like -- you're doin' it! STOP LOOKING AT ME!"
Mulch staggered away, into a marble bust of Adonis Fowl. The resulting screech and crash would have woken the dead, if it hadn't been for the time stop. The marble bust rocked on its pedestal and gave Mulch a stony glare.
"AAAH! Creepy marbly zombie person! Don't look at meee..."
The statue continued to stare disapprovingly. Mulch began to weep.
"Noooo... Vampire Zombie Fowl People, everywheeeeere...."
----
Juliet sprang into Artemis's room like a very angry, armed blonde person defending her turf in the very early morning. She had no gun, but the butcher knife in her hand had a cold, primal glitter in the starlight.
The Fairy Captors jumped about a foot in the air and scattered. Trix, the incompetent burglar-alarm hacker, screamed and fell off the windowsill. Fortunately, the young fairy landed on the hover trolley outside.
The Impatient Fairy Captor dropped Artemis again (he bounced) and whipped out its Neutrino, firing with definite intent to kill. Improbably, Juliet dodged, flattening gracefully to the floor. She sprang up on one hand and tackled the fairy without hesitation. The gun went skidding off into a corner.
Girl and fairy locked together on the floor. Juliet was bigger, but the fairy was wiggly, and it pulled out its buzz baton. Juliet had managed to keep her butcher knife, and fended off the sparking baton. She pressed her hand to the fairy's face, blinding and smothering it.
Such a little face, barely bigger than a baby's... she didn't really want to squish it.
The fairy grabbed the knife handle and slammed it backwards into Juliet's forehead.
"Trix! Trix, dammit!" The Impatient Fairy Captor wriggled out from Juliet's weight. "Help me get the kid on the trolley! We have to get out NOW!"
Trix staggered in through the windowsill, pointing and whimpering. "But. But. But Butler. Bad. Bub."
"Just get him through the window."
----
"OH, Sweet TOAD on a STICK!" Mulch sprinted through the venerable halls, stalked by portraits of creepy Fowls. "They're EVERYWHERE! Aaaagh."
Crash.
Two dwarves extricated themselves from the pile of medieval armor and the stuffed polar bear.
Mulch looked up muzzily, recognizing the dwarf who had run into him. He smiled blithely. "Marcus! How are you?"
"Uhhh... good." Marcus got up and desperately tried to figure out which way was left.
"Great! How are the kids?"
"Uhhh.... I don't have any."
"Wonderful! Imagine, you coming all this way just to visit little old me!"
"Uh, yes. Hello, Mulch."
"Now, it's funny, there was some reason why I wanted to talk to you a while ago, but I can't remember. I remember it seemed rather important at the time. Gee, that's funny." Mulch stroked his beard happily. "What was it?"
Marcus got his bearings and took off at a dead run.
"Oh... yes! You owe me money!" Mulch's mood promptly swung due murderous. "You owe me a quarter ton of gold, you bastard! Get back here!"
He sprinted down the halls, shielding his face from the Vampire Zombie Portrait People.
-----AND, ON THE OFF CHANCE YOU WERE WONDERING ABOUT CASPIAN---------
Caspian sat in the back seat of the hovercar and bubbled. She was actually fuming, but she was so wet that it came out as sort of an enraged gurgling noise.
After amusing herself by attempting to create an origami weapon out of a bit of magazine with both hands tied behind her back and her mouth gagged (Note to readers: It can't be done. Unless your idea of a weapon is the Soggy Crumpled Bit of Magazine that Gives You the Paper Cut of Doom) Caspian tried to pick the lock of the door with her toes. (Note to readers: This can be done quite easily, assuming the child lock is not on.) The child lock was on.
Failing this, Caspian intrepidly rubbed her face against the seatbelt, which had been strapped across her chest, pinning her against the seat. She managed to work the gag down her chin, and the choked bubbling turned into swearing in various languages, all of which had an atrocious American accent.
Once Caspian realized that nobody could possibly hear her cursing, she damned them all to hell and began to gnaw through the seatbelt.
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Absolutely Shameless Plugging:
Okay! It's been total eternities since my last post! I don't know why you put up with me! I have a few new fics out now, which were taking up a lot of time. Anyway...
Item One: A Cowrite! Whee! The Eminent Spectra16 and I wrote an Artemis Fowl Humor Oneshot. Go read it, it's good for you. It's posted here: Two: The Ivory Files has another sister fic, "Action Fairy Unplugged" by Khana-Chan! A humor one-shot about the band, Fairypop and the Heat Sensors, and a live concert they give during an underground disaster. Three: Caspian and the Netherworld Flamingo have a cameo in the new chapter of That Aerin's "Heart of Time." You should read the fic anyway, it's one of the best OC's out there. Also starring... Noodlewhip! Four: Thanks to Black Knight, LizBeth37 and Blue Yeti, one of my fics got into Criminality. Whee! "Idiot Savant" can also be found here at ff.net. Humor/Drama/Parody/Angst. Worth a look, I think.
For our anonymous reviewers... cheers, BeatlesLover. I don't know if you love me or hate me, but I'm glad for your reviews. They are appreciated, and I can't believe how quickly you seem to be reading the fic. Bob asked me to give you this flower. offers you a soggy flower Also, Meade's name is pronounced Mee-ADD. We think...
As for Bubbly Hooplah... bursts into tears I've been TRYING! It's just HARD to write now! cries incoherently on your shoulder Mom... firing range... scizophrenia... writer's block... CANADA!
Cheers to all reviewers, old and new. I love you all, and hope the next chapter comes out quicker.