Chapter 5: A long, cold and pink journey
So they departed, but not without Arson and Amen having a very long goodbye snog beforehand, much to the disgust of I'llrun (he didn't approve of their relationship- DUH!!!)
So they left (déjà said here peeps...), Grandold leading the way, as no one else knew the way to Baceezer (the place where The Sour One lives). They journeyed for about two weeks, and then Grandold decided to lead them up Carrythus; a huge mountain covered in three feet of snow...
"You fing bastard!!! Why the fk are you leading us up a fing mountain???" shouted everyone but Grandold (talk about excessive swearing...)
"Come on you lazy arses, step to it" Grandold, who was ten metres (metric...) ahead, shouted back.
They walked for hours and hours, stopping only occasionally for a short rest, and then continued again. When it was time for them to go to sleep, they drifted off as soon as their heads touched the freezing and uncomfortable snow (illogical eh?).
The next day, they got up at the crack of dawn and started off again.
"This mountain isn't so bad. I'd heard that it was especially mean, but it's just like any other" said Frog, happily skipping along (talk about tempting fate).
Sure enough, he had spoken too soon. The mountain had heard them, and it thundered, "So you think I'm not hard enough do you? Well I'll show you why they call me The King of Mountains"
"Err...they don't actually" replied Arson.
"Whatever- I'm going to kill you all anyway", laughed Carrythus (God this is weird; who ever heard of a talking mountain???).
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH" they all screamed, as they bolted down the mountain as fast as lightning (well not quite that fast...), being chased by an avalanche of snow (how does that work???). God knows how they managed to escape, but they did, only feeling cold, hungry, depressed, hungry, freezing, hungry, thirsty, hungry... (I think you get the picture).
"What do we do now?" asked Frog.
"We have no other choice; we must face the bright and sickly lights of Mariah", replied Grandold.
Everyone who knew what that meant, as in just Arson, Gimmy and Longlegs, said, "SHIT!!!"
Borromemirror ('cos he hasn't spoken yet) however, asked, "What the fk is Mariah??? That's a girl's name...Are we going to visit your lover or someone???"
"No, no" sighed Longlegs, "God you people are undereducated. Mariah is a massive cave thing under the dreaded mountain Carrythus. It is the ancient home of the Dafts. I expect Gimmy knows much more than I do on the subject; being a Daft himself and all, but basically, the first king of the Dafts named his kingdom Mariah, after his mistress, much to the disgust of his wife, who murdered him with a locker key (something I do frequently...I also dedicate murdering-with-lockers keys to Els and Nabs (who comes in later...)). The name was kept, however, for some unknown reason, but they probably couldn't be arsed to change it, being daft and all ("Hey", said Gimmy"). The place is all pink because the next leader was a queen, and it is very Barbie-like, so most people avoid it. The place has been ruled by queens ever since, and is not masculine at all".
God he talks a lot...
"Thank you for that 'brief' explanation Longlegs. Now if we could get on with the story please", hinted Arson, "I thought you didn't know much about it",
"Well. Yes, but you know what I'm like when I get going, I just can't help it I love to talk..."
"Thank you Longlegs", interrupted Grandold, "That will be enough. God, you lot be careful that you don't set him off talking again will you?"
So, yeah, anyway, basically (that bit is dedicated to Els), they walked to the gate of Mariah, Grandold spoke the opening word- 'Gibberer' (Gibberish for 'open' obviously), and they entered Mariah.
"WHOA", exclaimed all the guys who'd never entered before, while the rest just shuddered, and the habbits with the low IQs said, "Pretty" (what arses).
They walked for three days (still not over the pinkness), being careful to avoid any Dafts (and also being careful not to let Gimmy see any of them, as his tongue would loll, his eyes would go funny, and he would follow after the Daft women). They were all well aware that Gollywog (formally Smellme the Habbit), the previous owner of the magic ring, and the one who Bibbo had stolen it from, was following them. He had become an extremely fat, because he had wished only for food using the ring, and was now unrecognisable as a habbit.
Eventually they reached the bridge of Pink Mariah, as it was called by the Dafts. It had a carpet of bright Barbie (I disclaim Barbie by the way- I'd never want to own her...) pink fabric across it, with little ribbons, lace and sequins all over it. They all ran across it, because they were so relieved to be near the exit, with Grandold at the rear, but Mariah had not finished with them yet. They had also been followed from their second day in Mariah by a horrible creature, called a Bellrag. As if being in a cave covered in pink wasn't bad enough, they were now being followed by a large (well larger than all, but the habbits) pink (of every shade) indescribable (no wait, I am describing it...), but definitely female, creature.
"Don't look at its eyes or you'll be cast under a spell of love for it", shouted Arson.
But it was too late; Grandold of all people had turned round to see what was following them, and had been caught by its gaze, he was now following it back to its den, and they had no hope of getting him back. So they all continued on their way, still feeling, annoyed and depressed, and hating pink more than ever.
So they departed, but not without Arson and Amen having a very long goodbye snog beforehand, much to the disgust of I'llrun (he didn't approve of their relationship- DUH!!!)
So they left (déjà said here peeps...), Grandold leading the way, as no one else knew the way to Baceezer (the place where The Sour One lives). They journeyed for about two weeks, and then Grandold decided to lead them up Carrythus; a huge mountain covered in three feet of snow...
"You fing bastard!!! Why the fk are you leading us up a fing mountain???" shouted everyone but Grandold (talk about excessive swearing...)
"Come on you lazy arses, step to it" Grandold, who was ten metres (metric...) ahead, shouted back.
They walked for hours and hours, stopping only occasionally for a short rest, and then continued again. When it was time for them to go to sleep, they drifted off as soon as their heads touched the freezing and uncomfortable snow (illogical eh?).
The next day, they got up at the crack of dawn and started off again.
"This mountain isn't so bad. I'd heard that it was especially mean, but it's just like any other" said Frog, happily skipping along (talk about tempting fate).
Sure enough, he had spoken too soon. The mountain had heard them, and it thundered, "So you think I'm not hard enough do you? Well I'll show you why they call me The King of Mountains"
"Err...they don't actually" replied Arson.
"Whatever- I'm going to kill you all anyway", laughed Carrythus (God this is weird; who ever heard of a talking mountain???).
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH" they all screamed, as they bolted down the mountain as fast as lightning (well not quite that fast...), being chased by an avalanche of snow (how does that work???). God knows how they managed to escape, but they did, only feeling cold, hungry, depressed, hungry, freezing, hungry, thirsty, hungry... (I think you get the picture).
"What do we do now?" asked Frog.
"We have no other choice; we must face the bright and sickly lights of Mariah", replied Grandold.
Everyone who knew what that meant, as in just Arson, Gimmy and Longlegs, said, "SHIT!!!"
Borromemirror ('cos he hasn't spoken yet) however, asked, "What the fk is Mariah??? That's a girl's name...Are we going to visit your lover or someone???"
"No, no" sighed Longlegs, "God you people are undereducated. Mariah is a massive cave thing under the dreaded mountain Carrythus. It is the ancient home of the Dafts. I expect Gimmy knows much more than I do on the subject; being a Daft himself and all, but basically, the first king of the Dafts named his kingdom Mariah, after his mistress, much to the disgust of his wife, who murdered him with a locker key (something I do frequently...I also dedicate murdering-with-lockers keys to Els and Nabs (who comes in later...)). The name was kept, however, for some unknown reason, but they probably couldn't be arsed to change it, being daft and all ("Hey", said Gimmy"). The place is all pink because the next leader was a queen, and it is very Barbie-like, so most people avoid it. The place has been ruled by queens ever since, and is not masculine at all".
God he talks a lot...
"Thank you for that 'brief' explanation Longlegs. Now if we could get on with the story please", hinted Arson, "I thought you didn't know much about it",
"Well. Yes, but you know what I'm like when I get going, I just can't help it I love to talk..."
"Thank you Longlegs", interrupted Grandold, "That will be enough. God, you lot be careful that you don't set him off talking again will you?"
So, yeah, anyway, basically (that bit is dedicated to Els), they walked to the gate of Mariah, Grandold spoke the opening word- 'Gibberer' (Gibberish for 'open' obviously), and they entered Mariah.
"WHOA", exclaimed all the guys who'd never entered before, while the rest just shuddered, and the habbits with the low IQs said, "Pretty" (what arses).
They walked for three days (still not over the pinkness), being careful to avoid any Dafts (and also being careful not to let Gimmy see any of them, as his tongue would loll, his eyes would go funny, and he would follow after the Daft women). They were all well aware that Gollywog (formally Smellme the Habbit), the previous owner of the magic ring, and the one who Bibbo had stolen it from, was following them. He had become an extremely fat, because he had wished only for food using the ring, and was now unrecognisable as a habbit.
Eventually they reached the bridge of Pink Mariah, as it was called by the Dafts. It had a carpet of bright Barbie (I disclaim Barbie by the way- I'd never want to own her...) pink fabric across it, with little ribbons, lace and sequins all over it. They all ran across it, because they were so relieved to be near the exit, with Grandold at the rear, but Mariah had not finished with them yet. They had also been followed from their second day in Mariah by a horrible creature, called a Bellrag. As if being in a cave covered in pink wasn't bad enough, they were now being followed by a large (well larger than all, but the habbits) pink (of every shade) indescribable (no wait, I am describing it...), but definitely female, creature.
"Don't look at its eyes or you'll be cast under a spell of love for it", shouted Arson.
But it was too late; Grandold of all people had turned round to see what was following them, and had been caught by its gaze, he was now following it back to its den, and they had no hope of getting him back. So they all continued on their way, still feeling, annoyed and depressed, and hating pink more than ever.