Got grounded for blowing up the microwave. Kids DO NOT DO THAT!!!!!!!!! Don't ask how I did that, just never put three pounds of aluminum foil in the microwave. Oops, not supposed to say that.
Don't you hate pop ups. Got this stupid pop up blocker. Guess what, it blocks shit. Guess what, what, I live in Illinois in Grayslake, in Chicago Metallica will be playing in august, and I got dem tickets. Hell yeah, kick ass. Well here is a question for you: Do know how to tell the difference between a chocolate chip and a raisin in a cookie? Blah. Neither do I, hate raisins
Chapter 5
Beeeep. Beeeep. Beeeep. Beeeep.
"Ach shut up." Kurt whacked his alarm clock hard. It was set a 7:00. "I love to set my alarm clock early, so I can then oversleep longer during spring break." Kurt said to himself in German.
Cookie came running in his room. She was a smart cat and knew that when an alarm clock rang, she would remember the sound of each in each room and wake that person up. As Tobius usually said "To bad that cat doesn't use her brains for good instead of evil." and he was right. If you yelled at that cat, she would go in your room, find something valuable to you, and break it if it's breakable.
Cookie meowed.
"Ach, go avay Cookie. It is spring break, I can sleep as long as I vant." Kurt shooed Cookie away with his hand. Cookie backed up, but came back and rubbed her head on his blue furred hand. The vibrations of her purring went up his arm. Kurt sat up and picked Cookie up. She purred louder.
"You are a naughty katchzen (cat). Leave me be." Cookie looked at him and licked his nose in response. Cookie was the only animal, besides dogs and reptiles, that wasn't scared of the way he looked. When he tried to get on a horse once when he was little, he almost broke his back.
Kurt put Cookie down, and went back to sleep. Cookie eyed his twitching tail. She did the little butt wiggle that cats do when their ready to pounce. She grabbed his tail and started swatting it. Kurt threw his eyes open.
"Alright, alright. You vin zis time Cookie, but tomorrow you lose." Kurt lifted his tail out of reach, but Cookie jumped up on his bed and nipped his tail. Kurt winced. He knew she was just playing, but it hurt. Small little droplets of blood came through the spot Cookie bit.
"Ouch." Kurt said as he wiped the blood off his tail. Cookie laid herself on his bed. She wanted to be pet.
"Cookie you vant to be pet and I vant a Ferrari, ve can't have everything in life." Kurt scratched behind her ear.
He got dressed and carried Cookie downstairs. In the kitchen he was surprised to see Kathy up already, typing away on her laptop.
"Hidey-ho blue boy." Kathy said as she continued typing.
"Vat are you doing up already?" Kurt asked as he put Cookie down and grabbed eggo's out of the freezer.
"I took inventory on the fridge. 89 bottles of salad dressing with one inch on the bottom of each, 14 half empty cans of flat soda pop and 62 bread wrappers with the heels."
Kathy finished
"So, vat's your point?" Kurt asked cocking his head
"Organize yourself!" Kathy whacked Kurt in the head with a piece of paper
"Ow! Hey my tail vas already mauled by Cookie" Kurt lifted his tail and showed Kathy the bandage. "za last thing I need is to be vacked in za head."
"Sorry." Kathy said sarcastically.
"Ja. Vant some vaffles?" Kurt asked
"Sure I'll have some waffles." Kathy corrected him.
"Ha, ha. Very funny Raptor."
"I know, I'm just hilarious. So I thought since there is no school and Rob Zombie has that new movie Dawn Of The Dead out, I thought I'd ask you if you'd like to see it with me?" Kathy asked hopefully.
"Sure, of course."
Kathy began to type away again.
"Vat are you typing about?"
"Blue furred animals." Kathy said smiling looking up at Kurt
"Your joking, right?"
"Nope, actually it's about blue furred tigers. See like the certain cat breeds that have blue fur, some tigers in India have been spotted with blue fur.
"It is caused by a mutation in a gene, and no not what your thinking. It's simply an imbalance in copper in a certain gene. That's why horse-shoe crabs have blue blood. They have more copper than iron in their blood. Could be the reason why you have blue fur too, Kurtty."
"Please, don't call me zat ever again." Kurt said as he put waffles on a plate for him and Kathy. "Vant syrup, ready whip and strawberries maybe." Kurt said smiling
"Sure."
"Oh, yesterday I looked at your vebsite finally. It is neat. Yesterday you did an article on za Jersey Devil. It is vierd, vy vould a vomen vish for her 13th child to be a demon?"
"It's just one theory that I chose to write about. Not much."
Just then Scott came walking through the door. "You made waffles? Why didn't you make me any?"
"We didn't think you would get up this early." Kathy said as she closed her laptop and began to eat her waffles.
"What are you two doing up this early anyways? I mean it's 7:34, you don't get up this early, unless it's important."
"Kurt got up because Cookie got him up, and I took inventory on the fridge. I had to wear body armor to get past the leftovers." Kathy said as she inhaled waffles
"Did the Professor get back yet?" Scott asked as he rubbed the back of his head.
"Nope. Said he wasn't coming back until the end of the weak."
"Really? Zen zat means za place is all ours until Friday!" Kurt said in glee
"Kurt don't get any ideas okay. We can't let your party nature destroy this place." Scott said and saw Kathy smiling. "or yours Kat."
"Look, we can have at least a little fun. Like we could crank up the stereo, have some food lying around, make it look more like teenagers live here." Kathy said
"I don't know? It sounds risky." Kurt said
What sounds risky? Tobius said as he walked down the stairs as a huge maned lion.
"Yo Toby, you're a lion." Kathy said. Tobius looked down and morphed into his normal self.
"Thanks, I can't control myself at night. Once I had a dream about Freddy Krueger, and I was him when I woke up. Damn, I almost pissed in my pants when I saw my reflection in the mirror. So anyways, Kath, do you have 20 bucks I can borrow?"
"Yes."
"Great. So is that in two tens or one bill?"
"No"
"No?! but you just said yes."
"I said no meaning yes."
"Okay, so when you said no, then that means you said yes, right?"
"No, I said no meaning you can't have any of my money."
"But you said yes a little bit ago."
"Yes I did say yes, but that answered your question if I had 20 bucks which I do, but you can't have."
"I am so confused."
"I'm a champion at making people confused."
"Ja, and you confused me." Kurt said trying to figure out just what Kathy meant.
"Well then, I guess I better go to my wonderful job." Tobius said as he walked out the door
"Tobius, we all learned that you work at the country club." Scott said. Kathy and Kurt tried to hold back their laughter.
"Vat I sad job, you vork at za country club." Kurt said laughing
"Laugh all you want, but I get to see beautiful women in bikini's all day." Tobius said as he lifted his head with pride and walked out the back door.
Kathy, Kurt and Scott all looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"Oh god, Tobius is a pool boy, holy cow." Scott said trying to stop laughing.
"Ja, an ve vere so stupid to believe he vorked at a high paying job." Kurt said wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes.
Then Scott made the mistake of reaching back into the fridge. "AAAYIEEEEEE!!!!!!"
"Something bit me!"
"I told you to clean it out."
"but it's just inanimate bits of old food."
"Zere's nozing inanimate about za food in our fridge." Kurt said as he got up and looked in the fridge. "zee, ve are letting spores of intelligent life live in our fridge. It is just vaiting for za right chance to crawl out of zat little vorld of it's and claim ours as zere's." Kurt finished
"And this is coming from my friend who is a blue German elf with an extreme cow-lick problem." Kathy said. Kurt looked up and tried to even out his hair, it just sprang up again.
"Okay, maybe I am lying a little bit, but ve have to clean za fridge out. Look. Deep vithin za frozen vaste it lurks. Ancient mayonnaise, fossilized cabbage, slowly mutating over untold eons, gradually achieving consciousness." Kurt crept closer and took a Tupper-ware from the fridge. " until zat terrible day ven it is unleashed upon za unsuspecting world. ZA COLSLAW ZAT TIME FORGOT!!! Ayieeeee!!"
"Cute Kurt, now close the fridge door okay?" Scott said
"Shh, you fool! You'll avaken za sleeping spuds from planet fungus."
"Okay Kurt. Hey look at this. Ten years ago today Kurt Cobain shot himself in the head. What an idiot. Must have something to do with the name, the Kurt we have is a fool too."
"Hey!" Kurt shouted
"Don't you dare take Kurt Cobain's name in vain. He was the greatest guitarist ever, and plus Nirvana was a great band, like the best ever. Besides, in my life there have only been two Kurt's that are important to me. Kurt Cobain, and Kurt Wagner."
Kurt looked up and blushed a little. "I'm important to you?"
"Of course, you're my best friend, without you I'd be broke." Kathy said and put her arm around Kurt.
"Tobius! Would you mind getting the lakes in the golf course some chemicals. The last thing we need are mosquitoes." His boss walked off.
"Yes your royal ass crackness." Tobius walked off toward the golfing range. He hated his job more than anything, but it was the only job he could get with these hours, and it paid good money too.
"Alright you little larvae, meet your maker." Tobius poured some chemicals in the small pond, but as he did that the water began to churn, and a bright light appeared. "It's not supposed to do that." then all of a sudden a creature burst from the water. It was a small three foot thing that walked on four legs and had a short stout tail, and a head like a pit bull. It was covered in green striped loose leathery skin with huge teeth made to catch fish and a mane down it's back like a horse.
"What the heck are you?" Tobius stepped closer and the thing charged. Tobius backed away. "Hmmm." Tobius shook his car keys over the things head. It jumped up and grabbed the keys and swallowed, but the keys got lodged in it's throat. It started to choke, and after a few seconds it fell to the ground dead. "Okay. Now what to do with you." Tobius looked around and picked up the thing and dragged it off.