Chapter 8- Reunited on a search
Longlegs and Arson had now been tracking the U-R-High, Merrid and Pip-pop for three days and were, quite obviously, not enjoying the experience.
"Look, our part in this story is to look fit so that all the girls will read it, not to chase after High-dweebs, that have run off with two of the dumb tall guys, whose names I can't even remember, this is so pissy. And-" complained Longlegs, who was interrupted by Arson.
"Longlegs, you're right and I dunno what their called either, but will you please shut up, I'm trying to look gorgeous while listening to the ground here"
"Yeah, but you're going deaf in your sort of old age. Let me gaze into the distance with my immortal eyes instead"
As he did, he spotted what he thought to be the U-R-High about three miles ahead, and they continued to run after them getting more and more suicidal by the second.
Eventually they decided enough was enough and they stopped for a rest. This, of course, was disturbed. A nearby bush rustled; there was a thud, and then a scream. Without thinking Arson and Longlegs rushed to see what it was. How thick do you get??? I mean, they could have been killed or summin'.
"Oooooooooo, look Arson, I think it's knocked out", remarked Longlegs, as he knelt down to take a closer look at the lump.
"Oh fk!" exclaimed Arson, "Me thinks our very old friend has returned from his lover's clutches in the land of pink"
"But that's good isn't it?"
"No, because no I can't show off my brill' navigating skills anymore"
Longlegs let out a series of coughs, which sounded suspiciously like 'What navigating skills?'
"Too right Longlegs" grunted the lump, which was indeed Grandold the Wizzy, "Arson, you are completely useless at finding the way to your arse, never mind the U-R-High. My friends the trees, don't laugh Longlegs, the trees are not my only friends. Stop saying 'ahem'! Now, the trees tell me that you two started running after the Highs with Arson leading only five minutes after they left, and three days later you are still no closer to catching them, and I'm afraid you never will"
"And why's that?" asked Arson.
"Because my so-called friend, I am taking you to the land of Rowham, where King Thedid (pronounced with a strong 'th' like in 'thing', so- 'thee-did') needs help killing the rest of the Highs, and also because his son Oweme killed them all single-handedly two days ago"
"How come I spotted them three miles ahead when I gazed into the distance then?" asked Longlegs.
Grandold rolled his eyes, "Let's just say that Longfeared and his brother Reallyweird were out on the hill when you spotted what you thought were the U-R-High"
"Oh" replied Longlegs.
"Anyway that's not fair I wanted to kill them, no woman can resist me when I'm in a brutal mood, ("Ahem", said Grandold) and I wanted to brag to Amen on the phone. Why do Wizzys always have to be shitheads, who disappear and return ten times a day, can walk for hours without stopping and think they're the experts on relationships?"
"My dear friends, surely you don't think I'm that evil? Don't say it! I got us all horses from my Bellrag lover, when I told her I was going to get some flowers for her and I'd need three horses to carry them all. That's how I escaped, thanks for asking how I am after my scary ordeal. I shudder at the memory"
"Shuddup Grandold, demanded Arson, "God, you talk nearly as much as Longlegs sometimes. Let's go now and get this shit over with"
And with that they mounted their horses and rode with full speed towards the land of Rowham (not said 'row-ham', but 'rowum'), another dwelling of Min, where they have a large lake full of boats. Wow, that almost sounded like a gripping, timeless fantasy adventure at the beginning of this paragraph, as opposed to a crappy parody thingy.
It took them another two days to reach Rowham, mainly because Arson and Longlegs had started a very boring argument over who was the fittest.
"I am" claimed Arson.
"No, I am" said Longlegs.
"But you haven't got a girlfriend"
"But I've had more than you in my life"
"But they all dumped you after about a day, and anyway you've lived longer"
And on and on it went, and you get the picture. So, like, where were we?
"I think, we might, quite possibly, have just arrived in Rowham" said Grandold sarcastically (even though they had...) and slowly.
Yep, thanks (you arse). They rode up to the gates, which marked the entrance to Rowham's main (and only) city. Arson knocked, and then just barged in anyway. No-one was there to guard the other side, and the streets were unusually silent, because everyone had stopped to stare at them. The three of them crept up the hill to the great Hall of Boats, the King and his family's kind of palace. When they reached it, two guards crossed their spears to block the entrance.
"What brings you to Thedid, King of Rowham?" asked guard one.
"Well, he called me on his mobile to ask for help to destroy the U-R-High, so as you can see I have brought help", replied Grandold.
The two guards burst out laughing.
"What's so funning?" demanded Arson.
"We're sorry" replied guard two, "It's just that one Wizzy, a Min and an Ell aren't much use for killing off hundreds and thousands of U-R-High"
Arson unsheathed his sword. Longlegs placed a hand on his shoulder, "Arson, if you're gonna kill 'im, at least do it during the battle so it looks like the Highs did it. For fks sake man, where're ya brains?" he said.
Arson pushed Longlegs' hand off his shoulder, and returned his sword to its scabbard.
"That's better. Now can we please go in?" asked Grandold.
"Okay, okay, go on then", said one of the guards (does it really make a bloody difference which???).
They entered a large hall, which had a long red carpet leading to three thrones. The middle one was taller than the other two, and in it sat an old man. He was wearing a golden crown, and to his right sat a young man and to his left sat a young woman. The man was his son Oweme, and was tall with long, wavy blonde hair. The woman was his daughter Eywin, who was also tall, but with longer hair, which lay loose about her shoulders. She was wearing a medieval dress with a very tight corset. The three companions approached the throne and bowed.
"Oh Grandold, You've come at last" said Thedid, "Where's the large army you've assembled then? My chief counsellor, Grimy So-and-So, has run off to his master Shaguman, the bastardly spy, and I could do with some cheering up"
"They're right here before you" replied Grandold, surprisingly calmly under the circumstances.
Thedid and Oweme looked from Grandold, to Arson, to Longlegs, with a look of absolute bewilderment.
"But Grandold, there's only three of you" pointed out Oweme.
"Yep, and a very strong three too. Let me introduce Arson son of Yourson, heir to the throne of Beeror and captain of the Dundinners. This here is Longlegs, son of Thragill King of Muddywood, making Longlegs a prince. They're both powerful warriors, and of course you have me. What more could you want?"
"A large army of strong and intelligent warriors perhaps" muttered Oweme.
"Well at least two of them are fit" said Eywin, who had been eyeing up Arson and Longlegs, "Shall I show them to their rooms dad?"
"Yeah, whatever. I need to think in peace anyway. Oweme, you go and keep guard on the city with the rest of the Rowmard"
"Okay dad", he replied.
Eywin led Grandold, Arson and Longlegs to their rooms, and then went into Arson's room to flirt with him. She closed the door, stated kissing him passionately and ripping off his shirt.
"WHAT THE FK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???" he yelled.
"What does it look like?"
"Eywin, I'm very flattered, but you do realise I've got a girlfriend?"
Eywin looked like she'd just lost her winning lottery ticket (even though there's no lottery in In-Betweeny-Place).
"No, I didn't. Who is she?"
"Amen, I'llrun, Lord of Riverhell's daughter"
"Well I see you're aiming high, but can't you dump her, you know I'm better in bed"
"Look, that was years ago, when I was young. I've moved on, and you are not a better at making out than Amen, and I dunno how you'd know anyway. I'm not dumping her, because I love her, and I never loved you- I just wanted some practise and you were pretty good"
"You bastard! I hate you! But will you fk me anyway???"
Arson opened the door.
"You may leave. Oh, and Eywin, Longlegs is free if your desperate to get laid tonight"
"It's you I wanted, but what the fk? Everyone knows I'm a slut, so I might as well live up to it"
And with that she shut the door and ran to Longlegs, who looked like all his birthdays had come at once.
"Eywin, you look soooooooo sexy. If there's anyone I'd want to lose my cherry to it's you"
Eywin burst into a fit of laughter, "You're a virgin?" she giggled.
"No, of course not" said Longlegs quickly; only just realising what he had said.
"Oh-my-God! You are!"
"Look Eywin, ells aren't meant to before marriage, so will you marry me?"
"Yeah, right. And anyway how come Amen's shagged Arson then?"
"Yeah, well, she's only half Ell, and she can do it once she's engaged"
"Arson and Amen are engaged?"
"Well no, but anyway, you can have me"
"You keep contradicting yourself, and I'm not sleeping with a virgin so I'm going now, goodbye Longlegs"
Eywin shut the door and left Longlegs weeping. What a freak.
Anyway, Thedid and Grandold decided to take Arson, Longlegs, Oweme and the strongest min of Rowham, and go and kill all the U-R-High on the field outside Iregard, the place where he lives in his tower Othank.
Longlegs and Arson had now been tracking the U-R-High, Merrid and Pip-pop for three days and were, quite obviously, not enjoying the experience.
"Look, our part in this story is to look fit so that all the girls will read it, not to chase after High-dweebs, that have run off with two of the dumb tall guys, whose names I can't even remember, this is so pissy. And-" complained Longlegs, who was interrupted by Arson.
"Longlegs, you're right and I dunno what their called either, but will you please shut up, I'm trying to look gorgeous while listening to the ground here"
"Yeah, but you're going deaf in your sort of old age. Let me gaze into the distance with my immortal eyes instead"
As he did, he spotted what he thought to be the U-R-High about three miles ahead, and they continued to run after them getting more and more suicidal by the second.
Eventually they decided enough was enough and they stopped for a rest. This, of course, was disturbed. A nearby bush rustled; there was a thud, and then a scream. Without thinking Arson and Longlegs rushed to see what it was. How thick do you get??? I mean, they could have been killed or summin'.
"Oooooooooo, look Arson, I think it's knocked out", remarked Longlegs, as he knelt down to take a closer look at the lump.
"Oh fk!" exclaimed Arson, "Me thinks our very old friend has returned from his lover's clutches in the land of pink"
"But that's good isn't it?"
"No, because no I can't show off my brill' navigating skills anymore"
Longlegs let out a series of coughs, which sounded suspiciously like 'What navigating skills?'
"Too right Longlegs" grunted the lump, which was indeed Grandold the Wizzy, "Arson, you are completely useless at finding the way to your arse, never mind the U-R-High. My friends the trees, don't laugh Longlegs, the trees are not my only friends. Stop saying 'ahem'! Now, the trees tell me that you two started running after the Highs with Arson leading only five minutes after they left, and three days later you are still no closer to catching them, and I'm afraid you never will"
"And why's that?" asked Arson.
"Because my so-called friend, I am taking you to the land of Rowham, where King Thedid (pronounced with a strong 'th' like in 'thing', so- 'thee-did') needs help killing the rest of the Highs, and also because his son Oweme killed them all single-handedly two days ago"
"How come I spotted them three miles ahead when I gazed into the distance then?" asked Longlegs.
Grandold rolled his eyes, "Let's just say that Longfeared and his brother Reallyweird were out on the hill when you spotted what you thought were the U-R-High"
"Oh" replied Longlegs.
"Anyway that's not fair I wanted to kill them, no woman can resist me when I'm in a brutal mood, ("Ahem", said Grandold) and I wanted to brag to Amen on the phone. Why do Wizzys always have to be shitheads, who disappear and return ten times a day, can walk for hours without stopping and think they're the experts on relationships?"
"My dear friends, surely you don't think I'm that evil? Don't say it! I got us all horses from my Bellrag lover, when I told her I was going to get some flowers for her and I'd need three horses to carry them all. That's how I escaped, thanks for asking how I am after my scary ordeal. I shudder at the memory"
"Shuddup Grandold, demanded Arson, "God, you talk nearly as much as Longlegs sometimes. Let's go now and get this shit over with"
And with that they mounted their horses and rode with full speed towards the land of Rowham (not said 'row-ham', but 'rowum'), another dwelling of Min, where they have a large lake full of boats. Wow, that almost sounded like a gripping, timeless fantasy adventure at the beginning of this paragraph, as opposed to a crappy parody thingy.
It took them another two days to reach Rowham, mainly because Arson and Longlegs had started a very boring argument over who was the fittest.
"I am" claimed Arson.
"No, I am" said Longlegs.
"But you haven't got a girlfriend"
"But I've had more than you in my life"
"But they all dumped you after about a day, and anyway you've lived longer"
And on and on it went, and you get the picture. So, like, where were we?
"I think, we might, quite possibly, have just arrived in Rowham" said Grandold sarcastically (even though they had...) and slowly.
Yep, thanks (you arse). They rode up to the gates, which marked the entrance to Rowham's main (and only) city. Arson knocked, and then just barged in anyway. No-one was there to guard the other side, and the streets were unusually silent, because everyone had stopped to stare at them. The three of them crept up the hill to the great Hall of Boats, the King and his family's kind of palace. When they reached it, two guards crossed their spears to block the entrance.
"What brings you to Thedid, King of Rowham?" asked guard one.
"Well, he called me on his mobile to ask for help to destroy the U-R-High, so as you can see I have brought help", replied Grandold.
The two guards burst out laughing.
"What's so funning?" demanded Arson.
"We're sorry" replied guard two, "It's just that one Wizzy, a Min and an Ell aren't much use for killing off hundreds and thousands of U-R-High"
Arson unsheathed his sword. Longlegs placed a hand on his shoulder, "Arson, if you're gonna kill 'im, at least do it during the battle so it looks like the Highs did it. For fks sake man, where're ya brains?" he said.
Arson pushed Longlegs' hand off his shoulder, and returned his sword to its scabbard.
"That's better. Now can we please go in?" asked Grandold.
"Okay, okay, go on then", said one of the guards (does it really make a bloody difference which???).
They entered a large hall, which had a long red carpet leading to three thrones. The middle one was taller than the other two, and in it sat an old man. He was wearing a golden crown, and to his right sat a young man and to his left sat a young woman. The man was his son Oweme, and was tall with long, wavy blonde hair. The woman was his daughter Eywin, who was also tall, but with longer hair, which lay loose about her shoulders. She was wearing a medieval dress with a very tight corset. The three companions approached the throne and bowed.
"Oh Grandold, You've come at last" said Thedid, "Where's the large army you've assembled then? My chief counsellor, Grimy So-and-So, has run off to his master Shaguman, the bastardly spy, and I could do with some cheering up"
"They're right here before you" replied Grandold, surprisingly calmly under the circumstances.
Thedid and Oweme looked from Grandold, to Arson, to Longlegs, with a look of absolute bewilderment.
"But Grandold, there's only three of you" pointed out Oweme.
"Yep, and a very strong three too. Let me introduce Arson son of Yourson, heir to the throne of Beeror and captain of the Dundinners. This here is Longlegs, son of Thragill King of Muddywood, making Longlegs a prince. They're both powerful warriors, and of course you have me. What more could you want?"
"A large army of strong and intelligent warriors perhaps" muttered Oweme.
"Well at least two of them are fit" said Eywin, who had been eyeing up Arson and Longlegs, "Shall I show them to their rooms dad?"
"Yeah, whatever. I need to think in peace anyway. Oweme, you go and keep guard on the city with the rest of the Rowmard"
"Okay dad", he replied.
Eywin led Grandold, Arson and Longlegs to their rooms, and then went into Arson's room to flirt with him. She closed the door, stated kissing him passionately and ripping off his shirt.
"WHAT THE FK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???" he yelled.
"What does it look like?"
"Eywin, I'm very flattered, but you do realise I've got a girlfriend?"
Eywin looked like she'd just lost her winning lottery ticket (even though there's no lottery in In-Betweeny-Place).
"No, I didn't. Who is she?"
"Amen, I'llrun, Lord of Riverhell's daughter"
"Well I see you're aiming high, but can't you dump her, you know I'm better in bed"
"Look, that was years ago, when I was young. I've moved on, and you are not a better at making out than Amen, and I dunno how you'd know anyway. I'm not dumping her, because I love her, and I never loved you- I just wanted some practise and you were pretty good"
"You bastard! I hate you! But will you fk me anyway???"
Arson opened the door.
"You may leave. Oh, and Eywin, Longlegs is free if your desperate to get laid tonight"
"It's you I wanted, but what the fk? Everyone knows I'm a slut, so I might as well live up to it"
And with that she shut the door and ran to Longlegs, who looked like all his birthdays had come at once.
"Eywin, you look soooooooo sexy. If there's anyone I'd want to lose my cherry to it's you"
Eywin burst into a fit of laughter, "You're a virgin?" she giggled.
"No, of course not" said Longlegs quickly; only just realising what he had said.
"Oh-my-God! You are!"
"Look Eywin, ells aren't meant to before marriage, so will you marry me?"
"Yeah, right. And anyway how come Amen's shagged Arson then?"
"Yeah, well, she's only half Ell, and she can do it once she's engaged"
"Arson and Amen are engaged?"
"Well no, but anyway, you can have me"
"You keep contradicting yourself, and I'm not sleeping with a virgin so I'm going now, goodbye Longlegs"
Eywin shut the door and left Longlegs weeping. What a freak.
Anyway, Thedid and Grandold decided to take Arson, Longlegs, Oweme and the strongest min of Rowham, and go and kill all the U-R-High on the field outside Iregard, the place where he lives in his tower Othank.