Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour
This story was written and co-written by Raoulak and Marina
Disclaimer: We do not own Hajime Saitou or his guests.
Catchy Theme Song:
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!
Tsukasa: In search of the key of the Twilight!
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Shingai: One might say my my my!!
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san, your so sexy I could just die!
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!
Tsukasa: In search of the key of the Twilight!
Saitou: Keep it going! Almost there!
Mimiru: Hajime Saitou!
Shingai: Hajime Saitou!
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Saitou: *smirk*
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!! You're so sexy! I could just die!
Both: Your fame is being haunted!
Saitou: Alright, that's enough! Let's start....Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!
Burly manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!!!
Audience: *applause*
Saitou: Did I not just say that?! Alright, let's start the show! We have three awesome guests, Tsukasa, Bear, and Mimiru from .hack//SIGN!!
Bear, Mimiru, and Tsukasa: *sit in guest chairs*
Saitou and Shingai: *sit in their appropriate chairs*
Mimiru: Hola amigos!
Audience: HOLA!
Saitou: Can you all believe this is the third episode? It's actually been going quite well for us. Bear, what do you think of my show so far?
Saitou: Just pretty good?
Bear: Yes, is there a problem?
Tsukasa: Honestly, I think it's quite depressing. It's so sad here without Aura. I miss her...
Mimiru: Oh suck it up you big baby!!!!!
Shingai: Well, you're charming.
Saitou: What do you think, Mimiru?
Mimiru: Oh, why, thank you!!!!!! Huh? ....Uhhh, it's okay I guess.
Saitou: What is wrong with you people? My show is awesome! Actually, you're right, it sucks.
Shingai: Yeah, it sucks ass.
Mimiru: Is that possible?
Bear: You don't have to answer that question if you don't want to Miss...uh...what did you say your name was?
Shingai: Yeah, it sucks the energy right out of your ass. Um...it's Shingai.
Mimiru: Ha! You don't even know your own name!
Shingai: Yes, and you're questioning the power of cliché.
Audience: *laughter*
Mimiru: Cliché? I don't get it...
Shingai: I can see why.
Tsukasa: Mimiru, just shut up, you sound ignorant.
Saitou: Thank you.
Tsukasa: I swear, you talk too much!
Saitou: You talking to me?
Shingai: No, the ever-so ignorant one.
Tsukasa: Yes, I don't know how I get cursed with such idiot friends.
Mimiru: Just lucky, I guess.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: Idiot, huh? I hate to play the devil's advocate, here...actually I don't, but that's besides the point...But Tsukasa, why do you feel this way?
Tsukasa: Look around you, besides your wise co-host, you're in contact with an over-emotional brunette and a Celtic kind of person. And to put it all together, those aren't even their real appearances. Just be happy that the other crazy ones aren't here.
Saitou: Shingai? Wise? No way! She hasn't been alive long enough to be...
Tsukasa: At least she knows the difference between cliché, sarcasm, and seriousness.
Saitou: Will you stop it? You're getting me in a bad mood...
Tsukasa and Shingai: What, you weren't in one already?
Bear: You're being too hard on us all, Tsukasa...Wait, did you say I was a Celtic person? It's German, thank you!
Tsukasa: Whatever, you got on blue makeup, Celts wear it. Big deal.
Saitou: Easy on the snide comments there, Shingai...
Shingai: ......
Tsukasa: Leave her alone, she can do what she wants.
Bear: Tsukasa, if you are going to be like this, no one, not even Aura, will want to be around you.
Saitou: And you don't tell me what to do, little boy!
Mimiru: And I do know the difference about all 3 of those......what were they called again?
Saitou: Give it a rest...
Tsukasa: Aura is not my concern right now, I'm not a little boy, no you don't, and who did you just say that to?
Saitou: What did you just say?
Shingai: He just answered all of your commands, and he's asking are you telling him to give it a rest or are you talking to what's-her-face.
Mimiru: The name's Mimiru!
Saitou: I was talking to the both of you...
Tsukasa: That's a good name for you, What's-your-face. I'll call you that from now on.
Mimiru: I should slap you for that! It's no way to talk to a lady! And why are telling me to give it a rest, Saitou? I haven't done anything!!!!!!!!
Shingai and Tsukasa: *laugh hysterically*......oh!!!! Were you serious?
Mimiru: *fuming*
Bear: I honestly think we should all just get along.
Saitou: Why would we want to do that? Arguments make things more interesting!
Shingai: Exactly!!!!!!!
Saitou: Thank you!
Tsukasa: What were you thinking, when you said that, Bear?!
Bear: I am just looking into the interests of all...
Mimiru: Hey...Tsukasa...
Tsukasa: Yes, What's-your-face?
Mimiru: Grr...I was just asking if you wanted me to tell what you and Subaru did last week....
Tsukasa: Why not. I need a good laugh.
Audience: *laughter*
Tsukasa: Proceed, What's-your-face.
Mimiru: They did that thing...mph!
Tsukasa: *has hand over Mimiru's mouth* I didn't know you meant THAT!!! Women!!!!!!
Mimiru: *pulls his hand off* Eww! You touched me! Besides...you're the one who didn't question what I was gonna say! If you don't want me to say anything, you better be nice to me!
Tsukasa: Then give me a reason to be nice to you!
Mimiru: If you don't want me to tell them in detail what happened between you two...you better! I am good at lurking and eaves dropping, you know!
Tsukasa: .....
Bear: I pity your future husband.
Tsukasa: You imply that someone is stupid enough to marry her.
Shingai: Or someone from this planet?
Saitou: Can I say something?
Tsukasa and Shingai: You just did.
Saitou: *-_-;* Well I am going to say it anyway. You all know that Tsukasa is a girl in the real world, right?
Tsukasa: Are you saying I'm gay?
Saitou: I do research on my guests, you know.
Mimiru: Please don't tell me I've been stalking a chick?!?!?!?!!?
Tsukasa: I just...like her...is all...
Mimiru: What I saw says otherwise...
Bear and Shingai: .......
Saitou: This is getting interesting...
Shingai: Ain't it, though?
Bear: I am sure there is a logical explanation for all this...
Shingai: What besides the point that she's only good at blackmailing and he speaks the truth?
Saitou: I love my job...wait, did I just say that?
Shingai: Because for once, we're the ones getting entertainment.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: That is so true...
Shingai: I live to enlighten thee with the truth.
Saitou: Are you saying that I am stupid?
Shingai: No, I just I interpret what you don't understand.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: So you're saying I am stupid. Hey, who did you come CRYING to when you needed a job?
Shingai: Well, how much of our guests' dialect did you understand? And, no, no one cares about your problems.
Audience: * laughter*
Mimiru: No one ever listens to me!!!!!!!! *pouts*
Tsukasa and Shingai: 'Cause you never say anything worth listening to!!!!
Mimiru: Bear, make them stop!!
Bear: Well, you should say something important next time.
Mimiru: That's so mean!
Audience: * laughter*
Mimiru: Stop with the mean-ness!!
Tsukasa: For once in your pathetic lifetime, can you do us all a favor and just-
Shingai: Shut the hell up!!!!!
Audience: * laughter/applause*
Saitou: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Shingai: You're welcome.
Saitou: *-_-*
Mimiru: Is all you're about is being an obnoxious bitch?!
Shingai: Basically.
Saitou: Thank you, finally someone said that.
Audience: *laughter*
Mimiru: You talking to me? *glassy eyed*
Saitou: Yes...
Mimiru: I think I love you.
Saitou: *-_-;;* Uh...sure...
Tsukasa: Don't mind her; she'll fall in love with anyone who talks nicely to her.
Saitou: Well, I don't blame her....
Shingai: And I'm assuming that's rare.
Bear: Very.
Saitou: But I mean, can you blame her? I am very lovable...just ask Tokio...and the girls in the audience! *waves to them*
Some Girl Fans: *faints*
Other Girl Fans: *scream* WE LOVE YOU SUPER SUAVE SEXY SAITOU-SAMA!!!!
Shingai: You're not lovable, it's just your expression, the hairdo, and your ever-so randomized intellect.
Saitou: I should slap you...
Fan Girls: Get her, Saitou! We love you!
Shingai: And maybe if you do it hard enough, you'll possibly kill me and put me out my misery.
Tsukasa: Can you slap me, too?
Saitou: Misery, eh? My pleasure... *evil grin*
Audience: *laughter*
Tsukasa: So, are you going to do it?
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *-_-* You really are a poor depressed psycho child. You enjoy pain, don't you? You seem to be wallowing in it?
Tsukasa: So, your point is....?
Saitou: You need help. That's my point.
Tsukasa: Death is better. It beats being publicly televised with a bitchy brunette, a Celtic wannabe, a sane but very obnoxious chick, and a spider- haired host.
Saitou: Spider...Well if you hate us all so much, leave!
Tsukasa: That's a good idea. Best idea I have heard all day. I'll go see if I can't find Subaru...*gets up*
Saitou: Bye! *waves happily*
Mimiru: You better sit down, before I let it all out!!!!!
Tsukasa: Brunettes. *sits back down*
Saitou: What did you do THAT for?
Tsukasa and Shingai: Blackmail, plain and simple.
Saitou: Well that was stupid. The he-she was actually about to leave.
Tsukasa: Whatever, you spider haired former Samurai.
Bear: There's a better word for he-she.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: At least I am good at something! The only thing you're good at is complaining...oh yeah, and being gay!
Tsukasa: She's the one stalking me!
Saitou: And she's good at it! Not as good as me, but that's a different story.
Tsukasa: Oh!!!?! YOU, the great and powerful, Hajime Saitou, a stalker?!
Saitou: When I choose to be so. How else did I know you are really a girl who has a thing for girls?
Mimiru: Ooh!!! The possibilities!!!!!!!!!
Tsukasa and Shingai: Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: I am a hacker among other things... The list is endless!
Tsukasa: Figures.
Saitou: Assassin is one of them...all of which are traceless...
Tsukasa: ....
Bear: I used to be an assassin.
Saitou: Would you like to help in the disposal of this twerp?
Tsukasa: No you didn't! Be quiet!!!!!
Bear: Make me!
Tsukasa: I want proof that you're a former assassin, Celt!!!!
Mimiru: You're not going to dispose of me, are you?! *glassy eyed*
Saitou: You talking to me?
Tsukasa: I will, if you don't shut the hell up!!!!!!
Saitou: You have been talking more than her, recently!
Mimiru: How dare you threaten a lady as delicate as me?!
Tsukasa: You, a lady?! Don't make me laugh again.
Audience: *laughter*
Mimiru: I am a lady!!!!!! Right, Saitou-donu?
Saitou: Um...sure?
Mimiru: *^_^*
Mimiru: Sorry!!!!
Saitou: You should be.
Tsukasa: Just tell her the truth, the rest of us are aware of it.
Saitou: Have you noticed she shuts up quicker when you lie to her?
Mimiru: *isn't listening to Saitou, is staring at him starry-eyed, and clinging to his arm*
Tsukasa: But shuts up longer when you don't.
Saitou: Uh, can you let go now?
Mimiru: Sorry sorry!!!!!! *lets go instantly*
Saitou: And stop apologizing! It's annoying!
Mimiru: Sorry!!!!!!!!!!! Woops!!!!!! Sorry!!!!!!!
Saitou: *-_-;;*
Bear: Oh, goodness!! She's fallen for you.
Audience: *laughter*
Tsukasa: How did you guess?
: Saitou: No need to ask; I am in trouble.
Tsukasa and Bear: We know.
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!
Tsukasa and Bear: ......You have no idea........
Mimiru: Would you like to go out for coffee after the show?
Saitou: No, I don't believe I do. *to Mimiru* Hun, I'm married. Besides...I think I am a little too old for you...
Mimiru: She's such a lucky woman!!!!!!!!!
Saitou: Uh huh...
Mimiru: Divorce her!!!!!!!! If you do, I'll make the happiest, and I mean happiest, man ever!!!!!!!!!
Saitou: *-_-;;;* No thanks, I do not gain pleasure in taking advantage of fourteen year old girls...
Mimiru: Party pooper.
Saitou: How would you even know how to make a man happy?
Mimiru: I'm good at juggling!!!!!
Saitou: *-_-;;;*
Bear and Tsukasa: *-____-:::*
Saitou: Then you have no worries; I will be completely satisfied for the rest of my life by a little child who juggles...
Mimiru: Really?! *glassy eyed*
Saitou: No...
Mimiru: Oh. *-_-*
Saitou: Yeah... So give it a rest...
Mimiru: Never!!!!!!!!*stands up with a fist* I will keep trying to until you give in!!!!
Bear: That's so sad, it isn't even funny.
Saitou: *knocks on Mimiru's head* Get it through your thick skull, little girl! I AM MARRIED!!! HAPPILY!
Tsukasa: Only if you're the victim, Exhibit A.
Saitou: Excuse me?
Mimiru: But I love you, Saitou-donu!!!!
Saitou: Well, I don't love you. So sorry.
Mimiru: *holds Saitou's hands* That's all right, I have enough love for both of us!!!!!!!!!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *yanks hands away from her* Never touch me like that again...
Mimiru: Okay, but I still love you, Hajime-donu!!!!!
Saitou: Tell someone who cares.
Mimiru: Tsukasa, Bear, Shingai, ladies and gentlemen, I love Hajime Saitou- san with all my heart!!!!
Saitou: *-_____-;;;*
Audience: *hysterical laughter*
Mimiru: This isn't supposed to be funny! Love is not a joke, take it seriously!
Tsukasa: We will when you grow up.
Mimiru: I fulfilled your task, Hajime-donu!
Saitou: And what was my task?
Mimiru: To tell someone who cares!
Saitou: You take everything too seriously...
Mimiru: Sorry!!!
Saitou: Again with the apologizing...
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *-_-;;;*
Tsukasa: Who suggested for her to come?
Saitou: It better not have been you...I'll kill you...
Tsukasa: What am I, desperate?!
Saitou: For women you seem to be...
Tsukasa: Shut up.
Saitou: I'd like to see you try and make me.
Tsukasa: Just do your job and ask your stupid little questions!
Saitou: Stupid, huh? I'll show you stupid... *shakes fist*
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *punches Tsukasa in the jaw*
Tsukasa: You blow such lovely kisses!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *grabs Tsukasa, throws him to the floor, and starts pummeling him*
Audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Saitou: *pulls Tsukasa back up, does a running leap and tackles him back to the ground*
Audience: SAITOU! SAITOU! SAITOU!
Saitou: *pulls Tsukasa's arms behind his back and twists them until he hears them snap*
Tsukasa: Yes!!!!! More! More! More!
Saitou: *throws Tsukasa back in his chair* You're sick!!
Tsukasa: Awww man!!! Why'd you stop?!
Saitou: Because I pity you. Greatly. Besides what would your lov...Subaru do if I killed you?
Tsukasa: She's not my love, and it's not my problem.
Saitou: Well, Mimiru's evidence would say otherwise...
Tsukasa: Like I care about either of them. Has your mother ever told you to not believe everything you hear?
Mimiru: I have the pictures right here! *holds them up*
Saitou: Give them to me! *takes them from her*
Tsukasa: Probably morphs.
Saitou: OH MY..... YOU DID THAT?!?! THAT IS NO MORPH!!!
Tsukasa: Whatever, I know the truth.
Saitou: And that would be?
Tsukasa: Can you like, get off the subject?!
Saitou: Look at these, Shingai, and tell me what you think... *hands them to her*
Shingai: Hmm......Looks pretty real to me.
Saitou: That's what I said.
Bear: Can I see it? Tsukasa?!
Tsukasa: Can I have those...?
Saitou: Don't give them back to him! Give them to me! *takes them back*
Bear: Okay!!! No need to snatch!
Mimiru: So how's that for evidence? *^_^*
Bear: I never knew that side of you or Subaru!!!! Eww...*cringes*
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: You have done well, Mimiru. This is actually something to be proud of. There's nothing in the world like good black mail.
Mimiru: Anything for you, Hajime-donu!!! *glassy eyed*
Saitou: Whatever...
Mimiru: Are you pleased with me?
Saitou: Sure...whatever... But I'm keeping these if it's alright with you.
Mimiru: I love you, Hajime-donu.
Saitou: Okay...
Mimiru: Oh my God!!!!!!!!!! He actually wants something I made!!! This is the best day of my life!!! *faints*
Saitou: *-_-;;;*
Mimiru: *pops back up* Okay, I'm fine!
Bear and Tsukasa: Damn.
Saitou: *snaps fingers*
Bear: I like this show, but is there any way she or I can leave? I can't take it any more!
Mimiru: Oh, come now!! I'm not that bad!!
Saitou: I can have you both leave if you want...
Tsukasa: Yes you are.
Bear: Just one or the other, I don't care who it is.
Saitou: Okay! Security!
Security: *comes in and removes both Bear and Mimiru*
Tsukasa: That makes my life that much better!!! Thank you!
Subaru: *comes in and sits next to Tsukasa:: Hello...
Tsukasa: Hello, what are you doing here?
Subaru: I was told to come as a back up.
Tsukasa: All right, better you than those two.
Subaru: Whatever you say... *leans her head on Tsukasa*
Saitou: Uh, you know that Tsukasa is a girl in real life, right?
Subaru: Yes. I am aware of it. Why, does that bother you? *snuggles closer to Tsukasa*
Saitou: Just a little...
Subaru: Why?
Saitou: Because...it's just not right...In fact, it's so very wrong...
Shingai: Very.
Subaru: How is it wrong?
Mithrandio323: Saitou: Girls and girls...it's just wrong...Because I say so.
Subaru: That's silly.
Saitou: No it's not, little girl.
Subaru: If we love each other, what's the problem?
Saitou: .......Just...everything.
Subaru: You don't make sense.
Saitou: And neither does...this...
Tsukasa: I have a question.
Saitou: Okay.
Tsukasa: Who let you make a show? And who made you the host?!
Saitou: I said you could ask the question. I didn't say I would answer it....Shingai, how about you answer this one?
Shingai: Do I have to?
Saitou: Do you want to have a job next week?
Shingai: Who will I be working for?
Saitou: Right now you are working for me, and if you do not answer this question, you will no longer have a job on this show.
Shingai: Can I get that in writing?
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *holds a fist to her face* This is all the writing you need!
Shingai: But I thought you didn't want me to talk.
Saitou: You have my permission. If you don't answer this question in ten seconds, you will no longer be able to answer the question on account of you will be in the hospital.
Shingai: Why not a mortuary?
Saitou: 10...9...
Saitou: 8...7...
Saitou: 6...5...
Saitou: 4....
Saitou: 3...
Saitou: 2...
Shingai: Saitou and Saitou.
Tsukasa: I figured.
Saitou: What took you so long? And what do you mean by that?
Tsukasa: Because she figured you're smart enough to answer a question given to you, and it's self-explanatory.
Saitou: Would you like me to put YOU in a mortuary?
Subaru: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING TO MY LITTLE TSUKASA-CHAN!!!!!!!
Tsukasa: That's what I've been asking you to do all this time!!! And I told you to stop calling me that!!
Subaru: *hugs Tsukasa* I will not let this evil man hurt a hair on your head, Tsukasa-chan, don't you worry. *kisses him*
Tsukasa: Stop!
Subaru: But...I love you...
Tsukasa: *-_-;*
Saitou: I am scared...Really I am...
Tsukasa: Want a prize?
Saitou: Shut up...
Tsukasa: What is it that you're scared of?
Saitou: You! This! All of it!
Subaru: *still holding Tsukasa*
Tsukasa: Then, shut the hell up and kill me off already!!!
Saitou: I would gladly!
Tsukasa: Thank you.
Saitou: *unsheathes his katana and goes in Gatotsu stance* Farewell!
*power goes out*
Saitou: Hey! Who did that? Now I can't see my victim to kill him!
Tsukasa: Why is it every time I'm about to get something I want, it gets taken away?!
Subaru: I am still here for you, sweetie... *gropes him, but its dark so no one can see*
Tsukasa: *~_-*....Stop!
Subaru: No... *won't stop*
Tsukasa: * attempting to shove her off* This isn't the place for that!
Subaru: No one can see us! Why shouldn't we?
Saitou: But we can hear you! Stop now!!
Bear: What are you guys doing?!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: How'd you get back in here?!
Bear: I have my ways, but what am I sitting on? It so soft and squishy!
Shingai: Get the hell off of me!
Saitou: Well, get the hell out, and Subaru, whatever you are doing, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!
Audience: *laughter*
Shingai: *gasping for breath*
Bear: *scoots off* But why do I have to leave? Oh look, now what am I sitting on?
Saitou: GET OFF ME AND GET OUTTA HERE, DAMMIT!!
Bear: Ooops! Sorry! *scoots off again*
Subaru: Hey!! Get off of us!!!
Bear: Us? What are you two doing?
Subaru: Getting squished by you!!! Now get off!!!
Saitou: Bear....LEAVE!!!
Bear: Okay, okay!!! *bumps into everyone going out*
Tsukasa: *thinking: Ooh, I can wreak some serious havoc!*
Subaru: Tsukasa?! Where'd you go?
Tsukasa: *pours cold thick liquid all over Saitou, and puts bucket in Shingai's arm*
*lights turn back on*
Saitou: What the....Shingai? Why is everything knocked over? And why do I have syrup on my head?
Shingai: What the hell?! What is this bucket doing in my arm?! I didn't do it! I swear!
Saitou: *looks at Shingai* ........
Shingai: I didn't, I swear!
Saitou: How come I don't believe you? Wait, where's Tsukasa?
Tsukasa: Right here, had to use the little uh- well, the bathroom.
Saitou: And how come I don't believe YOU?
Tsukasa: Why are you covered in syrup? * takes some off his face and licks his finger*
Tsukasa: Mmm!!! ...Maple!!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *punches Tsukasa again*
Tsukasa: So, do you want get cleaned up before you do it, or do you want to look sexy for your fans?
Saitou: You're just asking for it, aren't you?
Tsukasa: *shakes his head*
Saitou: Is that a yes?
Tsukasa: Yes.
Saitou: Then haha, too bad. I'm not going to hit you if you WANT me to hit you.
Tsukasa: Then, I will! *punches Saitou*
Saitou: Haha, very funny. Let's see how you feel about this! *punches Subaru*
Subaru: You jerk! *punches him back*
Audience: *hysterical laughter*
Saitou: That's not supposed to happen! Why didn't you hit me when I hit your boyfriend-girlfriend or whoever it is?
Subaru: Because, he asked for it, you dumbass!
Saitou: Shingai, a little help please!
Shingai: In plain English, when Tsukasa gets hit, Subaru hits Saitou. When Subaru gets hit, Tsukasa hits Saitou.
Saitou: So in other words, I'm screwed?
Shingai: And when you get hit, I hit whoever hit you.
Saitou: Okay then, that helps.
Shingai: *smiles and nods politely*
Saitou: *hits Subaru*
Tsukasa: *hits Saitou*
Saitou: *hits Tsukasa*
Shingai: And not to mention, when I get hit, Saitou hits who hit me.
Subaru: *hits Saitou*
Saitou: Whatever, as long as I get to hit someone! *hits Subaru*
Tsukasa: *hits Saitou*
Subaru: *hits Shingai*
Saitou: *hits Tsukasa then Subaru*
Tsukasa: This is stupid!
Saitou: You're right...Real men fight with katanas, not fists!
Tsukasa: Hurry the hell up, and kill me!!!!
Subaru: You kill Kasa-chan and I swear on her grave I will kill you....
Tsukasa: Don't listen to her, and I told you to stop calling me that!
Saitou: Shingai, you kill the he-she then, I am sick of sickos being on my show!
Shingai: My pleasure!
Saitou: What are you waiting for, do it!
Shingai: *draws sword and makes Hwangjuaorang stance* *in one hit, slices Tsukasa in half*
Audience: *standing ovation*
Subaru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Not my baby!!!!
Shingai: Finally, I get some action and entertainment!
Saitou: There IS a God!
Subaru: *sobbing*
Shingai: And you thought I was just carrying this around to look tough!
Mysterious Voice: Stop crying, dear lady, it doesn't suit you.
Subaru: Huh? *stops crying and looks up* W-who said that?
Mysterious Voice: It is I... *steps into the light* Krim the Crimson Lightning!!
Subaru: Crimson!!!!! *hugs him* Did you just see that, Krim?! *points at Shingai and hides behind him*
Krim: Yes I did. And I am so RELIEVED! The he-she was just too depressing for me...
Subaru: What?! How dare you?! *slaps him*
Audience: *laughter*
Krim: What was that for?! *holds face*
Subaru: This little girl just killed my one true love!!!!! And here you are praising this....this little girl!!!
Shingai: Again with the little girl business.
Krim: Aren't you one of the same?
Audience: OOOOHH!!
Subaru: How dare you!!! *slaps him again*
Krim: Ow...will you stop that, please? I did not come all the way here to be hit by you anymore!
Subaru: Than give me a reason not to hit you!
Krim: Everything I have said is true. So you're ultimately trying to protect yourself from...you...
Subaru: But the only problem is, no one asked for the truth!!!
Krim: How is that a problem? These good people deserve to know the truth, for putting up with you!
Subaru: Hey, wait! What did you come here for?!
Krim: Sure, change the subject...
Subaru: It's not like anyone invited you here!!!
Krim: And who invited you?
Saitou: Ahem, Subaru! Stop being so ignorant! Of course he was invited!
Subaru: Them!!! *points to Saitou and Shingai*
Saitou: I did not have anything to do with that! Some of my underlings just persuaded me to LET you come, is all. And I never ensured your safety, so you can't sue me!
Shingai: And I never invited you. So, leave us out of this.
Saitou: My point exactly.
Subaru: So why DID you invite him?
Shingai: To make your life miserable. And so WE can have some fun, too.
Saitou: Yes, that's it...That's my story and I'm sticking to it...
Krim: Well I am glad I could be of service! *^_^*
Subaru: That's not fair!!
Krim: Life's not fair, sweetie.
Shingai: No one said life would be fair, sweetheart.
Subaru: So? I still want a GOOD reason why HE *points to Krim* is here!!
Saitou: You're more of a whiner than that Mimi chick!
Subaru: But the only difference is, I have a life and I'm not attracted to you.
Saitou: I see one flaw in your theory.
Saitou: If you had a life, you wouldn't spend it on a stupid video game all the time.
Subaru: And if you had a life, you'd actually find a better, less obnoxious, older co-host who is fit for the job!!! I mean, you have a little a girl with a smart mouth!!!! Not to mention, better guests.
Saitou: And you know you're one of them?
Subaru: And I do not spend all my time playing a game!!!
Shingai: Yet ironically, you're still playing.
Saitou: Well, I don't plan to spend all my time at this show either...that's why it's only an hour...I don't play online all day like some people...
Subaru: Maybe it's you that doesn't have a life or that little brat, either.
Saitou: *punches Subaru*
Krim: Hey, I may be a bit rude at some times, but I wouldn't hit a lady...Come on, Saitou...You have more tact than that...
Saitou: No I don't! *punches her again*
Subaru: See!!! You resolve your conflicts with violence!!!
Krim: On second thought, that's not such a bad idea, Saitou. *punches Subaru*
Audience: *laughter*
Subaru: Stop!!! Don't just stand there!!! Make them stop!!!
Shingai: I'm a brat with no life, remember? *punches Subaru*
Audience: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!
Subaru: How can you all be behind this? It's three against one!
Shingai: Easy, Krim holds you down; Saitou punches you while I scalp you.
Saitou: You've got it all wrong...I can do all those things by myself!
Krim and Shingai: But we wanna help.
Saitou: But it's MY show!
Shingai: Whatever.
Krim: Yeah, I can have my turn later.
Subaru: * all sweet like* What's that supposed to mean, Krimmie?
Krim: Never call me that again if you value your life... You know, now that I think about it, she really doesn't act like a lady or deserve to be called one.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: I've been saying that all along.
Subaru: Is that all you do is pick on young innocent girls?
Shingai: Who said you were innocent?
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: Innocent? Pah... I've seen sluts more innocent than you...
Shingai: And no telling how old you really are.
Subaru: Well I know one thing.
Saitou: You want a prize?
Subaru: Well, don't you wanna know what is I know?
Shingai: Not really.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: But we'll humor you, so what is the one thing you know?
Subaru: I'm more innocent this brat. *points to Shingai*
Krim: Sh'eah right!
Saitou: And how would you know that?
Subaru: 'Cause she's just a spoiled little brat!!!
Saitou: And that's proof?
Subaru: All she does is criticize and be rude!!!
Saitou: Does that make her less innocent than you?
Subaru: Exactly!!! *crosses her arms*
Saitou: I still don't see how that is proof, I mean, at least she still has her virginity...I mean...
Subaru: The question is, how do you know?
Saitou: Because, I've been like a father to her ever since she was seven.
Shingai: And maybe because, I don't have a boyfriend.
Subaru: Sluts don't need boyfriends, honey.
Saitou: And if you're putting it that way, you don't have any girlfriends either!
Subaru: Well, she just killed her!!! And are you implying that I'm a slut?! Check with your little daughter wannabe, first!!
Saitou: I'd rather not...you know I don't care, right?
Subaru: Whatever, but I'm still more innocent than her.
Krim: Get a life, man!
Saitou: Sure, if you say so...
Subaru: I'm not a man!
Krim: Yeah, yeah. When's the show over, anyway?
Saitou: *looks at watch* Um, like, now! Crap! I ran over!
Subaru: That's what you get for picking on innocent little girls!
Saitou: Sure...Now it's time to go, see you all, with the exception of a few people who are forbidden never to come back, next time! We have Inu- Yasha, Kagome, and Shippo from Inu-Yasha!! Good bye all!
This story was written and co-written by Raoulak and Marina
Disclaimer: We do not own Hajime Saitou or his guests.
Catchy Theme Song:
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!
Tsukasa: In search of the key of the Twilight!
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Shingai: One might say my my my!!
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san, your so sexy I could just die!
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!
Tsukasa: In search of the key of the Twilight!
Saitou: Keep it going! Almost there!
Mimiru: Hajime Saitou!
Shingai: Hajime Saitou!
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Saitou: *smirk*
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!! You're so sexy! I could just die!
Both: Your fame is being haunted!
Saitou: Alright, that's enough! Let's start....Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!
Burly manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!!!
Audience: *applause*
Saitou: Did I not just say that?! Alright, let's start the show! We have three awesome guests, Tsukasa, Bear, and Mimiru from .hack//SIGN!!
Bear, Mimiru, and Tsukasa: *sit in guest chairs*
Saitou and Shingai: *sit in their appropriate chairs*
Mimiru: Hola amigos!
Audience: HOLA!
Saitou: Can you all believe this is the third episode? It's actually been going quite well for us. Bear, what do you think of my show so far?
Saitou: Just pretty good?
Bear: Yes, is there a problem?
Tsukasa: Honestly, I think it's quite depressing. It's so sad here without Aura. I miss her...
Mimiru: Oh suck it up you big baby!!!!!
Shingai: Well, you're charming.
Saitou: What do you think, Mimiru?
Mimiru: Oh, why, thank you!!!!!! Huh? ....Uhhh, it's okay I guess.
Saitou: What is wrong with you people? My show is awesome! Actually, you're right, it sucks.
Shingai: Yeah, it sucks ass.
Mimiru: Is that possible?
Bear: You don't have to answer that question if you don't want to Miss...uh...what did you say your name was?
Shingai: Yeah, it sucks the energy right out of your ass. Um...it's Shingai.
Mimiru: Ha! You don't even know your own name!
Shingai: Yes, and you're questioning the power of cliché.
Audience: *laughter*
Mimiru: Cliché? I don't get it...
Shingai: I can see why.
Tsukasa: Mimiru, just shut up, you sound ignorant.
Saitou: Thank you.
Tsukasa: I swear, you talk too much!
Saitou: You talking to me?
Shingai: No, the ever-so ignorant one.
Tsukasa: Yes, I don't know how I get cursed with such idiot friends.
Mimiru: Just lucky, I guess.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: Idiot, huh? I hate to play the devil's advocate, here...actually I don't, but that's besides the point...But Tsukasa, why do you feel this way?
Tsukasa: Look around you, besides your wise co-host, you're in contact with an over-emotional brunette and a Celtic kind of person. And to put it all together, those aren't even their real appearances. Just be happy that the other crazy ones aren't here.
Saitou: Shingai? Wise? No way! She hasn't been alive long enough to be...
Tsukasa: At least she knows the difference between cliché, sarcasm, and seriousness.
Saitou: Will you stop it? You're getting me in a bad mood...
Tsukasa and Shingai: What, you weren't in one already?
Bear: You're being too hard on us all, Tsukasa...Wait, did you say I was a Celtic person? It's German, thank you!
Tsukasa: Whatever, you got on blue makeup, Celts wear it. Big deal.
Saitou: Easy on the snide comments there, Shingai...
Shingai: ......
Tsukasa: Leave her alone, she can do what she wants.
Bear: Tsukasa, if you are going to be like this, no one, not even Aura, will want to be around you.
Saitou: And you don't tell me what to do, little boy!
Mimiru: And I do know the difference about all 3 of those......what were they called again?
Saitou: Give it a rest...
Tsukasa: Aura is not my concern right now, I'm not a little boy, no you don't, and who did you just say that to?
Saitou: What did you just say?
Shingai: He just answered all of your commands, and he's asking are you telling him to give it a rest or are you talking to what's-her-face.
Mimiru: The name's Mimiru!
Saitou: I was talking to the both of you...
Tsukasa: That's a good name for you, What's-your-face. I'll call you that from now on.
Mimiru: I should slap you for that! It's no way to talk to a lady! And why are telling me to give it a rest, Saitou? I haven't done anything!!!!!!!!
Shingai and Tsukasa: *laugh hysterically*......oh!!!! Were you serious?
Mimiru: *fuming*
Bear: I honestly think we should all just get along.
Saitou: Why would we want to do that? Arguments make things more interesting!
Shingai: Exactly!!!!!!!
Saitou: Thank you!
Tsukasa: What were you thinking, when you said that, Bear?!
Bear: I am just looking into the interests of all...
Mimiru: Hey...Tsukasa...
Tsukasa: Yes, What's-your-face?
Mimiru: Grr...I was just asking if you wanted me to tell what you and Subaru did last week....
Tsukasa: Why not. I need a good laugh.
Audience: *laughter*
Tsukasa: Proceed, What's-your-face.
Mimiru: They did that thing...mph!
Tsukasa: *has hand over Mimiru's mouth* I didn't know you meant THAT!!! Women!!!!!!
Mimiru: *pulls his hand off* Eww! You touched me! Besides...you're the one who didn't question what I was gonna say! If you don't want me to say anything, you better be nice to me!
Tsukasa: Then give me a reason to be nice to you!
Mimiru: If you don't want me to tell them in detail what happened between you two...you better! I am good at lurking and eaves dropping, you know!
Tsukasa: .....
Bear: I pity your future husband.
Tsukasa: You imply that someone is stupid enough to marry her.
Shingai: Or someone from this planet?
Saitou: Can I say something?
Tsukasa and Shingai: You just did.
Saitou: *-_-;* Well I am going to say it anyway. You all know that Tsukasa is a girl in the real world, right?
Tsukasa: Are you saying I'm gay?
Saitou: I do research on my guests, you know.
Mimiru: Please don't tell me I've been stalking a chick?!?!?!?!!?
Tsukasa: I just...like her...is all...
Mimiru: What I saw says otherwise...
Bear and Shingai: .......
Saitou: This is getting interesting...
Shingai: Ain't it, though?
Bear: I am sure there is a logical explanation for all this...
Shingai: What besides the point that she's only good at blackmailing and he speaks the truth?
Saitou: I love my job...wait, did I just say that?
Shingai: Because for once, we're the ones getting entertainment.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: That is so true...
Shingai: I live to enlighten thee with the truth.
Saitou: Are you saying that I am stupid?
Shingai: No, I just I interpret what you don't understand.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: So you're saying I am stupid. Hey, who did you come CRYING to when you needed a job?
Shingai: Well, how much of our guests' dialect did you understand? And, no, no one cares about your problems.
Audience: * laughter*
Mimiru: No one ever listens to me!!!!!!!! *pouts*
Tsukasa and Shingai: 'Cause you never say anything worth listening to!!!!
Mimiru: Bear, make them stop!!
Bear: Well, you should say something important next time.
Mimiru: That's so mean!
Audience: * laughter*
Mimiru: Stop with the mean-ness!!
Tsukasa: For once in your pathetic lifetime, can you do us all a favor and just-
Shingai: Shut the hell up!!!!!
Audience: * laughter/applause*
Saitou: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Shingai: You're welcome.
Saitou: *-_-*
Mimiru: Is all you're about is being an obnoxious bitch?!
Shingai: Basically.
Saitou: Thank you, finally someone said that.
Audience: *laughter*
Mimiru: You talking to me? *glassy eyed*
Saitou: Yes...
Mimiru: I think I love you.
Saitou: *-_-;;* Uh...sure...
Tsukasa: Don't mind her; she'll fall in love with anyone who talks nicely to her.
Saitou: Well, I don't blame her....
Shingai: And I'm assuming that's rare.
Bear: Very.
Saitou: But I mean, can you blame her? I am very lovable...just ask Tokio...and the girls in the audience! *waves to them*
Some Girl Fans: *faints*
Other Girl Fans: *scream* WE LOVE YOU SUPER SUAVE SEXY SAITOU-SAMA!!!!
Shingai: You're not lovable, it's just your expression, the hairdo, and your ever-so randomized intellect.
Saitou: I should slap you...
Fan Girls: Get her, Saitou! We love you!
Shingai: And maybe if you do it hard enough, you'll possibly kill me and put me out my misery.
Tsukasa: Can you slap me, too?
Saitou: Misery, eh? My pleasure... *evil grin*
Audience: *laughter*
Tsukasa: So, are you going to do it?
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *-_-* You really are a poor depressed psycho child. You enjoy pain, don't you? You seem to be wallowing in it?
Tsukasa: So, your point is....?
Saitou: You need help. That's my point.
Tsukasa: Death is better. It beats being publicly televised with a bitchy brunette, a Celtic wannabe, a sane but very obnoxious chick, and a spider- haired host.
Saitou: Spider...Well if you hate us all so much, leave!
Tsukasa: That's a good idea. Best idea I have heard all day. I'll go see if I can't find Subaru...*gets up*
Saitou: Bye! *waves happily*
Mimiru: You better sit down, before I let it all out!!!!!
Tsukasa: Brunettes. *sits back down*
Saitou: What did you do THAT for?
Tsukasa and Shingai: Blackmail, plain and simple.
Saitou: Well that was stupid. The he-she was actually about to leave.
Tsukasa: Whatever, you spider haired former Samurai.
Bear: There's a better word for he-she.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: At least I am good at something! The only thing you're good at is complaining...oh yeah, and being gay!
Tsukasa: She's the one stalking me!
Saitou: And she's good at it! Not as good as me, but that's a different story.
Tsukasa: Oh!!!?! YOU, the great and powerful, Hajime Saitou, a stalker?!
Saitou: When I choose to be so. How else did I know you are really a girl who has a thing for girls?
Mimiru: Ooh!!! The possibilities!!!!!!!!!
Tsukasa and Shingai: Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: I am a hacker among other things... The list is endless!
Tsukasa: Figures.
Saitou: Assassin is one of them...all of which are traceless...
Tsukasa: ....
Bear: I used to be an assassin.
Saitou: Would you like to help in the disposal of this twerp?
Tsukasa: No you didn't! Be quiet!!!!!
Bear: Make me!
Tsukasa: I want proof that you're a former assassin, Celt!!!!
Mimiru: You're not going to dispose of me, are you?! *glassy eyed*
Saitou: You talking to me?
Tsukasa: I will, if you don't shut the hell up!!!!!!
Saitou: You have been talking more than her, recently!
Mimiru: How dare you threaten a lady as delicate as me?!
Tsukasa: You, a lady?! Don't make me laugh again.
Audience: *laughter*
Mimiru: I am a lady!!!!!! Right, Saitou-donu?
Saitou: Um...sure?
Mimiru: *^_^*
Mimiru: Sorry!!!!
Saitou: You should be.
Tsukasa: Just tell her the truth, the rest of us are aware of it.
Saitou: Have you noticed she shuts up quicker when you lie to her?
Mimiru: *isn't listening to Saitou, is staring at him starry-eyed, and clinging to his arm*
Tsukasa: But shuts up longer when you don't.
Saitou: Uh, can you let go now?
Mimiru: Sorry sorry!!!!!! *lets go instantly*
Saitou: And stop apologizing! It's annoying!
Mimiru: Sorry!!!!!!!!!!! Woops!!!!!! Sorry!!!!!!!
Saitou: *-_-;;*
Bear: Oh, goodness!! She's fallen for you.
Audience: *laughter*
Tsukasa: How did you guess?
: Saitou: No need to ask; I am in trouble.
Tsukasa and Bear: We know.
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!
Tsukasa and Bear: ......You have no idea........
Mimiru: Would you like to go out for coffee after the show?
Saitou: No, I don't believe I do. *to Mimiru* Hun, I'm married. Besides...I think I am a little too old for you...
Mimiru: She's such a lucky woman!!!!!!!!!
Saitou: Uh huh...
Mimiru: Divorce her!!!!!!!! If you do, I'll make the happiest, and I mean happiest, man ever!!!!!!!!!
Saitou: *-_-;;;* No thanks, I do not gain pleasure in taking advantage of fourteen year old girls...
Mimiru: Party pooper.
Saitou: How would you even know how to make a man happy?
Mimiru: I'm good at juggling!!!!!
Saitou: *-_-;;;*
Bear and Tsukasa: *-____-:::*
Saitou: Then you have no worries; I will be completely satisfied for the rest of my life by a little child who juggles...
Mimiru: Really?! *glassy eyed*
Saitou: No...
Mimiru: Oh. *-_-*
Saitou: Yeah... So give it a rest...
Mimiru: Never!!!!!!!!*stands up with a fist* I will keep trying to until you give in!!!!
Bear: That's so sad, it isn't even funny.
Saitou: *knocks on Mimiru's head* Get it through your thick skull, little girl! I AM MARRIED!!! HAPPILY!
Tsukasa: Only if you're the victim, Exhibit A.
Saitou: Excuse me?
Mimiru: But I love you, Saitou-donu!!!!
Saitou: Well, I don't love you. So sorry.
Mimiru: *holds Saitou's hands* That's all right, I have enough love for both of us!!!!!!!!!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *yanks hands away from her* Never touch me like that again...
Mimiru: Okay, but I still love you, Hajime-donu!!!!!
Saitou: Tell someone who cares.
Mimiru: Tsukasa, Bear, Shingai, ladies and gentlemen, I love Hajime Saitou- san with all my heart!!!!
Saitou: *-_____-;;;*
Audience: *hysterical laughter*
Mimiru: This isn't supposed to be funny! Love is not a joke, take it seriously!
Tsukasa: We will when you grow up.
Mimiru: I fulfilled your task, Hajime-donu!
Saitou: And what was my task?
Mimiru: To tell someone who cares!
Saitou: You take everything too seriously...
Mimiru: Sorry!!!
Saitou: Again with the apologizing...
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *-_-;;;*
Tsukasa: Who suggested for her to come?
Saitou: It better not have been you...I'll kill you...
Tsukasa: What am I, desperate?!
Saitou: For women you seem to be...
Tsukasa: Shut up.
Saitou: I'd like to see you try and make me.
Tsukasa: Just do your job and ask your stupid little questions!
Saitou: Stupid, huh? I'll show you stupid... *shakes fist*
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *punches Tsukasa in the jaw*
Tsukasa: You blow such lovely kisses!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *grabs Tsukasa, throws him to the floor, and starts pummeling him*
Audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Saitou: *pulls Tsukasa back up, does a running leap and tackles him back to the ground*
Audience: SAITOU! SAITOU! SAITOU!
Saitou: *pulls Tsukasa's arms behind his back and twists them until he hears them snap*
Tsukasa: Yes!!!!! More! More! More!
Saitou: *throws Tsukasa back in his chair* You're sick!!
Tsukasa: Awww man!!! Why'd you stop?!
Saitou: Because I pity you. Greatly. Besides what would your lov...Subaru do if I killed you?
Tsukasa: She's not my love, and it's not my problem.
Saitou: Well, Mimiru's evidence would say otherwise...
Tsukasa: Like I care about either of them. Has your mother ever told you to not believe everything you hear?
Mimiru: I have the pictures right here! *holds them up*
Saitou: Give them to me! *takes them from her*
Tsukasa: Probably morphs.
Saitou: OH MY..... YOU DID THAT?!?! THAT IS NO MORPH!!!
Tsukasa: Whatever, I know the truth.
Saitou: And that would be?
Tsukasa: Can you like, get off the subject?!
Saitou: Look at these, Shingai, and tell me what you think... *hands them to her*
Shingai: Hmm......Looks pretty real to me.
Saitou: That's what I said.
Bear: Can I see it? Tsukasa?!
Tsukasa: Can I have those...?
Saitou: Don't give them back to him! Give them to me! *takes them back*
Bear: Okay!!! No need to snatch!
Mimiru: So how's that for evidence? *^_^*
Bear: I never knew that side of you or Subaru!!!! Eww...*cringes*
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: You have done well, Mimiru. This is actually something to be proud of. There's nothing in the world like good black mail.
Mimiru: Anything for you, Hajime-donu!!! *glassy eyed*
Saitou: Whatever...
Mimiru: Are you pleased with me?
Saitou: Sure...whatever... But I'm keeping these if it's alright with you.
Mimiru: I love you, Hajime-donu.
Saitou: Okay...
Mimiru: Oh my God!!!!!!!!!! He actually wants something I made!!! This is the best day of my life!!! *faints*
Saitou: *-_-;;;*
Mimiru: *pops back up* Okay, I'm fine!
Bear and Tsukasa: Damn.
Saitou: *snaps fingers*
Bear: I like this show, but is there any way she or I can leave? I can't take it any more!
Mimiru: Oh, come now!! I'm not that bad!!
Saitou: I can have you both leave if you want...
Tsukasa: Yes you are.
Bear: Just one or the other, I don't care who it is.
Saitou: Okay! Security!
Security: *comes in and removes both Bear and Mimiru*
Tsukasa: That makes my life that much better!!! Thank you!
Subaru: *comes in and sits next to Tsukasa:: Hello...
Tsukasa: Hello, what are you doing here?
Subaru: I was told to come as a back up.
Tsukasa: All right, better you than those two.
Subaru: Whatever you say... *leans her head on Tsukasa*
Saitou: Uh, you know that Tsukasa is a girl in real life, right?
Subaru: Yes. I am aware of it. Why, does that bother you? *snuggles closer to Tsukasa*
Saitou: Just a little...
Subaru: Why?
Saitou: Because...it's just not right...In fact, it's so very wrong...
Shingai: Very.
Subaru: How is it wrong?
Mithrandio323: Saitou: Girls and girls...it's just wrong...Because I say so.
Subaru: That's silly.
Saitou: No it's not, little girl.
Subaru: If we love each other, what's the problem?
Saitou: .......Just...everything.
Subaru: You don't make sense.
Saitou: And neither does...this...
Tsukasa: I have a question.
Saitou: Okay.
Tsukasa: Who let you make a show? And who made you the host?!
Saitou: I said you could ask the question. I didn't say I would answer it....Shingai, how about you answer this one?
Shingai: Do I have to?
Saitou: Do you want to have a job next week?
Shingai: Who will I be working for?
Saitou: Right now you are working for me, and if you do not answer this question, you will no longer have a job on this show.
Shingai: Can I get that in writing?
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *holds a fist to her face* This is all the writing you need!
Shingai: But I thought you didn't want me to talk.
Saitou: You have my permission. If you don't answer this question in ten seconds, you will no longer be able to answer the question on account of you will be in the hospital.
Shingai: Why not a mortuary?
Saitou: 10...9...
Saitou: 8...7...
Saitou: 6...5...
Saitou: 4....
Saitou: 3...
Saitou: 2...
Shingai: Saitou and Saitou.
Tsukasa: I figured.
Saitou: What took you so long? And what do you mean by that?
Tsukasa: Because she figured you're smart enough to answer a question given to you, and it's self-explanatory.
Saitou: Would you like me to put YOU in a mortuary?
Subaru: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING TO MY LITTLE TSUKASA-CHAN!!!!!!!
Tsukasa: That's what I've been asking you to do all this time!!! And I told you to stop calling me that!!
Subaru: *hugs Tsukasa* I will not let this evil man hurt a hair on your head, Tsukasa-chan, don't you worry. *kisses him*
Tsukasa: Stop!
Subaru: But...I love you...
Tsukasa: *-_-;*
Saitou: I am scared...Really I am...
Tsukasa: Want a prize?
Saitou: Shut up...
Tsukasa: What is it that you're scared of?
Saitou: You! This! All of it!
Subaru: *still holding Tsukasa*
Tsukasa: Then, shut the hell up and kill me off already!!!
Saitou: I would gladly!
Tsukasa: Thank you.
Saitou: *unsheathes his katana and goes in Gatotsu stance* Farewell!
*power goes out*
Saitou: Hey! Who did that? Now I can't see my victim to kill him!
Tsukasa: Why is it every time I'm about to get something I want, it gets taken away?!
Subaru: I am still here for you, sweetie... *gropes him, but its dark so no one can see*
Tsukasa: *~_-*....Stop!
Subaru: No... *won't stop*
Tsukasa: * attempting to shove her off* This isn't the place for that!
Subaru: No one can see us! Why shouldn't we?
Saitou: But we can hear you! Stop now!!
Bear: What are you guys doing?!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: How'd you get back in here?!
Bear: I have my ways, but what am I sitting on? It so soft and squishy!
Shingai: Get the hell off of me!
Saitou: Well, get the hell out, and Subaru, whatever you are doing, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!
Audience: *laughter*
Shingai: *gasping for breath*
Bear: *scoots off* But why do I have to leave? Oh look, now what am I sitting on?
Saitou: GET OFF ME AND GET OUTTA HERE, DAMMIT!!
Bear: Ooops! Sorry! *scoots off again*
Subaru: Hey!! Get off of us!!!
Bear: Us? What are you two doing?
Subaru: Getting squished by you!!! Now get off!!!
Saitou: Bear....LEAVE!!!
Bear: Okay, okay!!! *bumps into everyone going out*
Tsukasa: *thinking: Ooh, I can wreak some serious havoc!*
Subaru: Tsukasa?! Where'd you go?
Tsukasa: *pours cold thick liquid all over Saitou, and puts bucket in Shingai's arm*
*lights turn back on*
Saitou: What the....Shingai? Why is everything knocked over? And why do I have syrup on my head?
Shingai: What the hell?! What is this bucket doing in my arm?! I didn't do it! I swear!
Saitou: *looks at Shingai* ........
Shingai: I didn't, I swear!
Saitou: How come I don't believe you? Wait, where's Tsukasa?
Tsukasa: Right here, had to use the little uh- well, the bathroom.
Saitou: And how come I don't believe YOU?
Tsukasa: Why are you covered in syrup? * takes some off his face and licks his finger*
Tsukasa: Mmm!!! ...Maple!!
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: *punches Tsukasa again*
Tsukasa: So, do you want get cleaned up before you do it, or do you want to look sexy for your fans?
Saitou: You're just asking for it, aren't you?
Tsukasa: *shakes his head*
Saitou: Is that a yes?
Tsukasa: Yes.
Saitou: Then haha, too bad. I'm not going to hit you if you WANT me to hit you.
Tsukasa: Then, I will! *punches Saitou*
Saitou: Haha, very funny. Let's see how you feel about this! *punches Subaru*
Subaru: You jerk! *punches him back*
Audience: *hysterical laughter*
Saitou: That's not supposed to happen! Why didn't you hit me when I hit your boyfriend-girlfriend or whoever it is?
Subaru: Because, he asked for it, you dumbass!
Saitou: Shingai, a little help please!
Shingai: In plain English, when Tsukasa gets hit, Subaru hits Saitou. When Subaru gets hit, Tsukasa hits Saitou.
Saitou: So in other words, I'm screwed?
Shingai: And when you get hit, I hit whoever hit you.
Saitou: Okay then, that helps.
Shingai: *smiles and nods politely*
Saitou: *hits Subaru*
Tsukasa: *hits Saitou*
Saitou: *hits Tsukasa*
Shingai: And not to mention, when I get hit, Saitou hits who hit me.
Subaru: *hits Saitou*
Saitou: Whatever, as long as I get to hit someone! *hits Subaru*
Tsukasa: *hits Saitou*
Subaru: *hits Shingai*
Saitou: *hits Tsukasa then Subaru*
Tsukasa: This is stupid!
Saitou: You're right...Real men fight with katanas, not fists!
Tsukasa: Hurry the hell up, and kill me!!!!
Subaru: You kill Kasa-chan and I swear on her grave I will kill you....
Tsukasa: Don't listen to her, and I told you to stop calling me that!
Saitou: Shingai, you kill the he-she then, I am sick of sickos being on my show!
Shingai: My pleasure!
Saitou: What are you waiting for, do it!
Shingai: *draws sword and makes Hwangjuaorang stance* *in one hit, slices Tsukasa in half*
Audience: *standing ovation*
Subaru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Not my baby!!!!
Shingai: Finally, I get some action and entertainment!
Saitou: There IS a God!
Subaru: *sobbing*
Shingai: And you thought I was just carrying this around to look tough!
Mysterious Voice: Stop crying, dear lady, it doesn't suit you.
Subaru: Huh? *stops crying and looks up* W-who said that?
Mysterious Voice: It is I... *steps into the light* Krim the Crimson Lightning!!
Subaru: Crimson!!!!! *hugs him* Did you just see that, Krim?! *points at Shingai and hides behind him*
Krim: Yes I did. And I am so RELIEVED! The he-she was just too depressing for me...
Subaru: What?! How dare you?! *slaps him*
Audience: *laughter*
Krim: What was that for?! *holds face*
Subaru: This little girl just killed my one true love!!!!! And here you are praising this....this little girl!!!
Shingai: Again with the little girl business.
Krim: Aren't you one of the same?
Audience: OOOOHH!!
Subaru: How dare you!!! *slaps him again*
Krim: Ow...will you stop that, please? I did not come all the way here to be hit by you anymore!
Subaru: Than give me a reason not to hit you!
Krim: Everything I have said is true. So you're ultimately trying to protect yourself from...you...
Subaru: But the only problem is, no one asked for the truth!!!
Krim: How is that a problem? These good people deserve to know the truth, for putting up with you!
Subaru: Hey, wait! What did you come here for?!
Krim: Sure, change the subject...
Subaru: It's not like anyone invited you here!!!
Krim: And who invited you?
Saitou: Ahem, Subaru! Stop being so ignorant! Of course he was invited!
Subaru: Them!!! *points to Saitou and Shingai*
Saitou: I did not have anything to do with that! Some of my underlings just persuaded me to LET you come, is all. And I never ensured your safety, so you can't sue me!
Shingai: And I never invited you. So, leave us out of this.
Saitou: My point exactly.
Subaru: So why DID you invite him?
Shingai: To make your life miserable. And so WE can have some fun, too.
Saitou: Yes, that's it...That's my story and I'm sticking to it...
Krim: Well I am glad I could be of service! *^_^*
Subaru: That's not fair!!
Krim: Life's not fair, sweetie.
Shingai: No one said life would be fair, sweetheart.
Subaru: So? I still want a GOOD reason why HE *points to Krim* is here!!
Saitou: You're more of a whiner than that Mimi chick!
Subaru: But the only difference is, I have a life and I'm not attracted to you.
Saitou: I see one flaw in your theory.
Saitou: If you had a life, you wouldn't spend it on a stupid video game all the time.
Subaru: And if you had a life, you'd actually find a better, less obnoxious, older co-host who is fit for the job!!! I mean, you have a little a girl with a smart mouth!!!! Not to mention, better guests.
Saitou: And you know you're one of them?
Subaru: And I do not spend all my time playing a game!!!
Shingai: Yet ironically, you're still playing.
Saitou: Well, I don't plan to spend all my time at this show either...that's why it's only an hour...I don't play online all day like some people...
Subaru: Maybe it's you that doesn't have a life or that little brat, either.
Saitou: *punches Subaru*
Krim: Hey, I may be a bit rude at some times, but I wouldn't hit a lady...Come on, Saitou...You have more tact than that...
Saitou: No I don't! *punches her again*
Subaru: See!!! You resolve your conflicts with violence!!!
Krim: On second thought, that's not such a bad idea, Saitou. *punches Subaru*
Audience: *laughter*
Subaru: Stop!!! Don't just stand there!!! Make them stop!!!
Shingai: I'm a brat with no life, remember? *punches Subaru*
Audience: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!
Subaru: How can you all be behind this? It's three against one!
Shingai: Easy, Krim holds you down; Saitou punches you while I scalp you.
Saitou: You've got it all wrong...I can do all those things by myself!
Krim and Shingai: But we wanna help.
Saitou: But it's MY show!
Shingai: Whatever.
Krim: Yeah, I can have my turn later.
Subaru: * all sweet like* What's that supposed to mean, Krimmie?
Krim: Never call me that again if you value your life... You know, now that I think about it, she really doesn't act like a lady or deserve to be called one.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: I've been saying that all along.
Subaru: Is that all you do is pick on young innocent girls?
Shingai: Who said you were innocent?
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: Innocent? Pah... I've seen sluts more innocent than you...
Shingai: And no telling how old you really are.
Subaru: Well I know one thing.
Saitou: You want a prize?
Subaru: Well, don't you wanna know what is I know?
Shingai: Not really.
Audience: *laughter*
Saitou: But we'll humor you, so what is the one thing you know?
Subaru: I'm more innocent this brat. *points to Shingai*
Krim: Sh'eah right!
Saitou: And how would you know that?
Subaru: 'Cause she's just a spoiled little brat!!!
Saitou: And that's proof?
Subaru: All she does is criticize and be rude!!!
Saitou: Does that make her less innocent than you?
Subaru: Exactly!!! *crosses her arms*
Saitou: I still don't see how that is proof, I mean, at least she still has her virginity...I mean...
Subaru: The question is, how do you know?
Saitou: Because, I've been like a father to her ever since she was seven.
Shingai: And maybe because, I don't have a boyfriend.
Subaru: Sluts don't need boyfriends, honey.
Saitou: And if you're putting it that way, you don't have any girlfriends either!
Subaru: Well, she just killed her!!! And are you implying that I'm a slut?! Check with your little daughter wannabe, first!!
Saitou: I'd rather not...you know I don't care, right?
Subaru: Whatever, but I'm still more innocent than her.
Krim: Get a life, man!
Saitou: Sure, if you say so...
Subaru: I'm not a man!
Krim: Yeah, yeah. When's the show over, anyway?
Saitou: *looks at watch* Um, like, now! Crap! I ran over!
Subaru: That's what you get for picking on innocent little girls!
Saitou: Sure...Now it's time to go, see you all, with the exception of a few people who are forbidden never to come back, next time! We have Inu- Yasha, Kagome, and Shippo from Inu-Yasha!! Good bye all!