Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour
This story was written and co-written by Raoulak and Marina
Disclaimer: We do not own Hajime Saitou or his guests.
Catchy Theme Song:
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!
Kagome: Lookin' for the shards of stuff and light!
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Shingai: One might say my my my!!
Girly fan: Oh Saitou-san, you're so sexy I could just die!
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!
Inu-Yasha: Feh.
Saitou: --;...Keep it going! C'mon!
Kagome: Hajime Saitou!
Inu-Yasha: Hajime Saitou?!...Feh.
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Saitou: smirk
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!!! You're so sexy! I could just die!
Both: Your fame is being haunted!
Saitou: As much as I love this, let's stop and start the show, Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!
Big manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!
Audience: applause
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!
Inu-Yasha: Just shut up and get on with it!
Saitou: Okay, welcome everyone!! Tonight's special guests are Inu-Yasha and Kagome from...well...Inu-Yasha!
Inu-Yasha: Feh.
Kagome: Inu-Yasha, don't be so rude!
Inu-Yasha: Kagome, don't be so nice!
Kagome: Okay then, sit boy!
Inu-Yasha: plop....Ahhhh...
Saitou: So what brings you both to this side of the well?
Inu-Yasha: These damn beads!! grasps black bead necklace
Audience: laughter
Saitou: Why do you have them again? Refresh my memory.
Inu-Yasha: Does it matter?!
Kagome: When someone asks you a question, it's only polite to answer it, Inu-Yasha!
Inu-Yasha: I answered a question with a question!!!! Answers can be a question, and you can you not question a question with a question and answer a question with a question? You got that?!
Saitou: Nifty answer, sorry I asked...
Inu-Yasha: Feh.
Kagome: Inu-Yasha! Why are you being so difficult?!
Inu-Yasha: Because I can.
Kagome: --;...SIT!!!!
Inu-Yasha: falls to ground Ow....
Kagome: Hmph.... Serves you right!
Inu-Yasha: Right.
Audience: laughter
Saitou: Uh-huh...well...that went well, don't you think?
Shingai: Oh yeah, just perfect.
Saitou: Shut up...I'm doing my best here...
Inu-Yasha: gets up....Feh...what do you know, you're the one with the spider hair-do, now ask your stupid questions so I can go!
Saitou: Spider hair, eh? Well how would you like this, dog-boy? Or should I say HALF dog-boy? pulls out a leash and collar and gives them to Kagome
Inu-Yasha: You lookin' for a fight?!
Saitou: You wouldn't stand a chance...
Inu-Yasha: Want a bet?! draws Tetsusaiga
Saitou: You can't possibly think you could harm a rat with that thing, do you?
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, but I don't want to fight one right now, I have my eyes on you!
Kagome and Shingai: Dearly not queerly.
Saitou: Oh really...Don't think I don't know about your little sword, Inu- Yasha. You can only use it to protect someone, and I'm not about to hurt anyone here but you! Now, you're not only a Half-Dog-Boy, you're a Half- Dog-Half-Chicken-Boy.
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, and what are you, half arachnid man?
Audience: Ooooh!!!
Saitou: Enough with the snide hair comments already, I can see you're just jealous.
Inu-Yasha: Jealous of what?! You're bodacious idiot 'do and this pathetic show?!
Saitou: I'll pretend you never said that... Kagome, what did you do with the leash I just gave you?
Kagome: I have it with me. Should I get it out?
Saitou: Yes please, and restrain the chicken-dog-boy.
Kagome: If it shuts him up, SIT!!!!!
Inu-Yasha: plop Ow....
Audience: hysterical laughter
Kagome: puts collar around Inu-Yasha There!
Shippo: pops out of Kagome's bag I can't breathe in there, can I come out now?!
Saitou: falls out of chair, startled Woah, what the hell is that?
Kagome: Yes...it's safe now, Shippo.
Shippo:
Inu-Yasha: I thought I told you to stay at home, you little brat!
Kagome: This is our friend, Shippo. Well, my friend anyway.
Saitou: What's a Shippo?
Shippo: Kagome said I could come! sticks tongue out at Inu-Yasha
Saitou: No one still has answered my question...
Shippo: That's my name!! And I'm a fox demon!
Inu-Yasha: More like a midget demon...
Kagome: hits Inu-Yasha over the head
Inu-Yasha: Ow!!
Saitou: I see...now what's that high pitched squeaking in my ear? Shingai, can you hear it too?
Shingai: Uhhh...Saitou, what's that on your neck?
Saitou: AAAAAAAAH!! GET IT OFF!!!
Myoga: suck suck, gets bigger....Ahhhh, fresh blood.
Saitou: IT'S A...THING!! GET IT OFF ME! runs around, swatting at his neck
Shingai: pulls off Myoga ...Hmm, what is this?
Myoga: Ack!! Put me down! I'm a flea, now leave me alone!
Shingai: --;...It talks too....wow...
Inu-Yasha: Gimme that! grabs Myoga from Shingai and puts him on his shoulder
Audience: laughter
Saitou: sits back down
Shingai: What....er who is that?
Saitou: rubbing his neck
Myoga: I am Myoga the flea, sworn to serve Lord Inu-Yasha!
Inu-Yasha: But always flees when there's trouble...
Myoga: Do not! Okay, maybe sometimes...
Inu-Yasha: More like all the time...
Shippo: Can I eat him now?!
Kagome: Shippo!!!
Shippo: What?! I'm hungry! You are the one who shoved me in there points to backpack remember?
Kagome: Shippo, can't you eat later?
Shippo: But I'm hungry now! cries
Shingai: Uhhh, you can have the rest of my lunch if you want it; my mom always makes way too much for me.
Shippo: YAY!! jumps back in the bag
Shingai: Enjoy.
Audience: laughter
Shippo: pops back out It's all gone!
Inu-Yasha: Eh....
Kagome: Inu-Yasha!!
Inu-Yasha: Hey, it was either the sandwich or him!
Shingai: Oh.
Saitou: Can I interject?
Inu-Yasha: What now??
Saitou: Damn it, Cindy, hold up the cue cards!! Okay, well...damn it, I forgot what I was going to say...
Audience: hysterical laughter
Inu-Yasha: Feh...
Shippo: Inu-Yasha!!! You ate my sandwich!!!
Kagome: Actually it was my sandwich...
Inu-Yasha: No, it was her sandwich!!! points to Shingai I tasted the difference!!!
Saitou: How can you tell whose sandwich is whose? You never met Shingai until today!
Inu-Yasha: Yes and her sandwiches taste better still.
Kagome: What's that supposed to mean?
Inu-Yasha: Her sandwiches taste better, just what it says.
Kagome: How would you know if my sandwiches taste better or not if you haven't tried mine?
Inu-Yasha: Judging by all the other things you've made, it probably would taste worse.
Kagome: Sit boy!
Inu-Yasha: plop Oowww...
Shippo: sits on Shingai's lap Inu-Yasha, you should be nicer to Kagome since you both like each other.
Audience: AWWWWWW!!!
Inu-Yasha: What?!?!?!
Shippo: Since you two like each other, you should be nicer.
Audience: Awww...
Inu-Yasha: Spiderman, will you hurry up and ask your dumb questions so I can leave?
Saitou: Nice way to change the subject, eh? And don't call me that!!
Saitou: Well, I don't. Spiderman is just a gay ass who wears tight cat suits to show off his you-know-what's.
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, you're right. You only show how uptight you are.
Saitou: reaches for his katana
Inu-Yasha: Ok, bring it on! draws for Tetsusaiga
Saitou: You can't beat me with that rusty old thing...
Inu-Yasha: Says who?
Saitou: Says me... goes into Gatotsu stance
Inu-Yasha: gets in drawing stance
Shippo: Here we go again with another fight.
Kagome: Yeah, you would've thought fighting the camera man would've been enough. SIT BOY!!!
Inu-Yasha: plop Oowww...
Shingai: Please sit down, Saitou.
Saitou: Why? I need to kick half-dog-half-chicken boy's ass!
Shingai: Fine then. Procee-
Shingai's mother: Shinny!!!!!
Inu-Yasha: What was that?
Shingai: You don't want to know, trust me.
Inu-Yasha: I...don't?
Shingai's mother: hugs Saitou Hello Saitou dear! How have you been? Has Shinny been behaving?
Saitou: --; Let...go...of...me...twitch
Shingai: Mom, must you call me that?
Shingai's mother: Oh sorry Saitou dear. lets him go and pinches his cheek You're so darn cute!
Saitou: twitch
Shingai's mother: And who are these other cute sweeties?
Kagome: Hi, I'm Kagome, ma'am, and this brat here is Inu-Yasha.
Shingai's mother: Why hello Kagome and Inu-Yasha! hugs both of them tightly
Shingai: Mom, please let Kagome and Inu-Yasha go.
Inu-Yasha: Let...go...of me, you old hag!
Shingai's mother: Oh, well aren't you feisty? And Kagome, such a pretty girl, like my Shinny! But Shinny, must you wear such baggy clothes?!
Shingai: I like my clothes, and mom call me Shingai!
Kagome: I like Shingai-san's clothes too, Shingai-san's mom.
Shingai's mother: Do you two attend the same school deary?
Shingai: Thank you, Kagome.
Kagome: You're welcome, and no ma'am, we don't.
Shingai's mother: And who's this? bear hugging Shippo
Shingai: Don't hurt him now.
Shippo: foams at the mouth
Shingai: takes Shippo from her mother Are you okay? hug hug
Shingai's mother: Is he a rabid child?
Audience: --;
Shippo: I'm not a child! I'm a fox demon!
Shingai's mother: A very cute one.
Shippo: ears wiggle
Shingai's mother: Has Shinny been a good girl, Saitou?
Saitou: Depends on how you define good...
Shingai's mother: Has she been behaving and not giving you grief?
Saitou: Grief? Not exactly...
Shingai's mother: What do you mean by not exactly?
Saitou: I don't know, ask her yourself!
Shingai's mother: shakes her head Well anyway, I brought you all some cookies!
Inu-Yasha: Gimme!! snatches plate and devours all the cookies
Kagome and Shingai: Cookie monster --;
Shingai's mother: Good thing I brought more!! pulls them out
Kagome and Shingai: Ooh! Real food real food!!!
Inu-Yasha: eats those too
Shippo: Inu-Yasha!!! I was hungry, you eat my sandwich and now all the cookies! sobs
Inu-Yasha: with mouth full So? Stupid little brat, why would I care?
Shippo: Because it was meant for everybody!!!
Inu-Yasha: Says who?
Saitou: Says me!!
Shingai's mother: Well, that was all children, I'll go home and bake some more. leaves the set
Saitou: Thank God... That woman's a nightmare...
Shingai: Well, I gotta live with her, so you have it easy compared to me.
Saitou: Do you think I care? One moment with her is too much, let alone a lifetime.
Kagome: Why are you always so uptight?
Saitou: Same reason he's so care-free...points to Inu-Yasha
Inu-Yasha: still hasn't swallowed all of the cookies You're damn right. I don't give a rat's ass about any of you!
Shippo: Except for Kagome, of course!
Inu-Yasha: cocks an eyebrow and punches him multiple times...You still think that way, you little snot?
Shippo: with a black eye and bloody nose If you don't like her, then why are you getting so worked up over it, huh?
Inu-Yasha: Because you asked.
Shippo: I didn't ask, I stated a fact that now everyone in the audience and the nation that watches this show knows.
Inu-Yasha: ...
Audience: hysterical laughter
Kagome: blush
Inu-Yasha: You little brat!!! The only fact here is that Spiderman over here has a dumb show, and I am gonna kick your ass! starts punching Shippo non-stop
Saitou: pulls Shippo away from Inu-Yasha I...said...to stop CALLING ME THAT!! puts Shippo down and draws his katana
Shippo: runs and gets on Shingai's lap Inu-Yasha, why are you always so mean?!?!?! rubbing his head
Inu-Yasha: Because I can...!
Shingai: Yeah can you cool it, we got a show to run, you know. rubs Shippo's head
Shippo: That hurt too!
Inu-Yasha: Feh...Does it look like I care?
Saitou: Hello, I challenge you to a fight, here... pokes Inu-Yasha with the tip of his katana
Shingai: shrugs Okay, fine, I need a cheap thrill. pulls out first aid kit Okay, proceed.
Saitou: Alright, then. You asked for it! charges with a Gatotsu at Inu- Yasha
Inu-Yasha: Oowww.....bangs him on the head with the untransformed Tetsusaiga
Saitou: OUCH! Wait, how'd you do that?!
Shingai and the Audience: SAITOU! SAITOU! SAITOU!
Kagome: Inu-Yasha, for once I must agree with Shingai, that Saitou will teach you a lesson.
Saitou: Sure as hell I will! ::stabs Inu-Yasha::
Inu-Yasha: Ya bastard!!! bangs him again Take that and that and that!!!!! bangs him some more
Saitou: I'll run this sword right through you, half-dog-half-chicken boy! slices Inu-Yasha's arm
Inu-Yasha: Ahhhh! falls to his knees then gets back up and bum rushes Saitou
Saitou: parries then attacks again
Inu-Yasha: Think you're slick don't you, Spiderman?
Saitou: I SAID TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!! slashes at Inu-Yasha again
Kagome: goes over to Inu-Yasha...ok, Saitou, I think he's had enough. Inu- Yasha, please, this is so childish!
Inu-Yasha: You can't make me!!
Kagome: SIT!!!!!!
Inu-Yasha: plop Okay, maybe you...can...
Shingai: If only I could tame my wild friends that way. --
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: At least your mother...
Shingai: Yeah really. I guess I'll just have to use a leash until then.
Shippo: You wouldn't put me on a leash, would you Shingai-san? .
Shingai: No of course not.
Saitou: Well, now that you mention it...
Kagome: --;......So, Saitou can you juggle?
Saitou: What the hell?!
Shingai: Here we go again, asking if Saitou's capable of doing circus activities. --;
Kagome: Uhhh.......woops?
Saitou: --;;;
Shippo: Do you have anymore food, Shingai-san? sniffs her for food and goes through her backpack
Saitou: --;;;
Inu-Yasha: This banana....chewing on a banana
Audience: laughter
Kagome: Shingai-san, take it from me, when you're around them, never have food on you. --
Shingai: Yeah, I know Saitou eats like a horse when he comes to my house.
Saitou: Shut up, Shingai! Can we move on now?
Shingai: Yeah sure why not, it is your show.
Inu-Yasha: Even YOU, Shingai, would make a better host than Spiderman here.
Saitou: Excuse me?!
Shingai: Thanks.....I think......but for now I have to keep his ratings high with sarcasm.
Inu-Yasha: You heard me!!!!
Saitou: cheap-shots Inu-Yasha
Inu-Yasha: Ahhhhh!!! You bastard!!!! kicks him in the shin
Shingai: -- Oh hell, I give up with this little girl business, I'm 6 in a 16 year old body. Where the hell's my lollipop and dolly?
Saitou: That hurt, damn it!
Inu-Yasha: Be a man about it! kicks him again
Shingai: And people call me a little girl... --
Kagome: You don't act like one.
Saitou: kicks Inu-Yasha in the nuts again
Shingai: But then again, these are times when watching Saitou act like a teenager, Saitou, it's you and Inu-Yasha that make people appreciate me. pats him on the back Just keep brawling, I'm loving this.
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Don't touch me! smacks her hand away
Shingai: snickers See?
Kagome: Yes, Inu-Yasha is the same way. See? strokes Inu-Yasha's hair
Inu-Yasha: Don't touch me! smacks her hand away
Audience: hysterical laughter
Kagome: Hey you're right, Shingai.
Shingai: But sometimes Saitou's so fun to piss off.
Kagome: laughs....So what questions do you have for us, since Saitou's too busy to ask and Inu-Yasha's too busy to answer?
Shingai: Sure! How do you get to Feudal Honshu from modern day Tokyo?
Kagome: I use a magic well. It sort of acts like a portal. Inu-Yasha sometimes comes with me.
Shingai: I see. Maybe I'll throw my mom down there one day.
Kagome: It's right outside my house; you can come by anytime you want.
Shippo: Why would you do something so mean like that?
Shingai: Yeah or that would be a great place to stay to keep away from mom.
Kagome: That's a great idea! We can have a sleepover! I'll invite all my friends!!
Shingai: Sounds good.
Shippo: Can I come too?!
Kagome: Sure! Anytime!
Shippo: Yay!!!!! When?
Kagome: Uh...whenever Shingai does, I guess.
Shippo: Say after the show Shingai, please!!!!!!
Shingai: Saitou?
Saitou: stops pounding Inu-Yasha and looks up Yes?
Shingai: Are we doing anything after the show?
Saitou: WE are doing nothing. It's my wife's anniversary...OH CRAP! I forgot her present!
Inu-Yasha: Haha, Spiderman's so forgetful.
Shingai: I have it remember?
Saitou: Oh yeah...what is it again?
Shingai: whispers into his ear
Saitou: Oh yeaaaaah...
Shingai: What I meant was am I coming over for your party or no? Was I invited?
Saitou: I didn't know a party was planned.
Shingai: Okay, then we're not doing anything then. I guess I can, Kagome.
Shippo: YAY!!
Audience: laughter
Shingai: Why are you so happy?
Shippo: Because I love you! hugs Shingai tightly around the neck
Audience: Awww...
Shingai: Ahhhhh.....ruvv......you.......chooo.... gasps for breath
Audience: laughter
Miroku: wanders in followed by Sango Did someone say love?
Shippo: lets go of Shingai Yay!! Sango! runs over and hugs her
Miroku: Hey, what about me?
Sango: hugs Shippo...Perv....--;
Audience: laughter
Miroku: Hey, wait a...sees Shingai Hello there, young miss! runs over to her and grabs her hands Would you...please bear my child? pats her on the boob
Audience: hysterical laughter
Shingai: does a Saitou glare at the audience
Audience: falls silent
Shingai: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Saitou: glares at Shingai
Shingai: glares back
Audience: Ooooh.
Sango: pimp-slaps Miroku Watch it, mister!
Shippo: What's wrong with them?
Kagome: They're all just being immature, Shippo, ignore them.
Shingai: rolls eyes This is dumb.....anyway looks at Miroku and Sango Who are you two?
Sango: I am Sango, and this poor perv here is Miroku.
Miroku: holding his cheek Ow...
Shingai: Welcome.
Sango: Thank you, Shingai-san. bows
Shingai: No problem Sango, you wanna sit? points to two chairs
Sango: Sure! sits
Miroku: Wouldn't mind if I do. sits on Sango's lap
Shippo: Mr. Saitou, how come you glare when you're mad?
Saitou: Because...it makes me feel better...
Sango: pushes him off...Perv....
Miroku: rubs his bruised butt Ow...
Shingai: Well there is another seat there... points beside Saitou
Saitou: I'm not letting that perv sit next to me! What if he's a fag?
Inu-Yasha: What, afraid someone will finally come onto you?
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Tokio comes onto me often enough, thanks!
Miroku: I'll leave that one alone....sits on Kagome
Kagome: Hey! Get off! pushes him off
Audience: hysterical laughter
Miroku: falls on floor Here we go again... gets up Okay fine then, this is where I sit for the rest of the show. plops down on Shingai's lap
Shingai: Hey! Get off me! pushes him but he doesn't budge
Audience: hysterical laughter
Miroku: I like this seat, it's nice and squishy.
Saitou: Didn't you hear her? She said get off, monk man.
Shingai: --; Great, glad you enjoy my lap, and I can't feel anything below my waist.
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: She said get off...raises his sword to him
Miroku: doesn't budge...They say it's bad to strike at a monk.
Saitou: Monk or not, you and your petty ways don't scare me.
Miroku: Well then, if you have nothing but misfortune following the event of you hitting me, then I told you so.
Saitou: Sure...whatever...Get up.
Miroku: doesn't budge No thank you.
Saitou: I do not wish to murder a holy man, if you even are one, nor do I wish to get blood on Shingai's kimono, so this is the last time I will say it. Get up.
Miroku: I doubt you'll be able to murder me, and it is not polite to spill blood on a female, so just don't do it.
Saitou: Well, if you were to move, then this whole situation would be resolved, now wouldn't it?
Miroku: Well think of it this way: at least it's not your lap I'm sitting on.
Saitou: True, true...but that's not the point!
Shingai: Thank God, but I don't want you on mine either!
Audience: hysterical laughter
Miroku: In that case...stands up, lifts her onto his lap, and gropes her butt
Shingai: O.-.....Miroku! Stop!!! slaps his hand
Miroku: At least it wasn't my face.
Shingai: In that case...slaps his face
Audience: laughter
Miroku: eyebrow twitch I'd say it was worth it...
Shingai: slaps him again Behave you, now I don't have a seat.
Audience: laughter
Sango: I'd like a piece of that! slaps him too
Miroku: Okay, I'm not entirely sure I deserved that...
Shingai: nods You did, good job Sango!
Miroku: What'd I do to her?
Sango: blushes Just...stuff, okay?
Miroku: eyes her warily You're not...jealous...are you?
Sango: .........
Miroku: prepares for another slap
Audience: goes Ooooooh!
Sango: leans up, kisses him on the cheek, and sits back down, blushing
Miroku: O.O
Shingai: Sango?
Sango: ....What?
Kagome: Awww, Sango, that's sooo sweet! I knew you could do it!
Inu-Yasha: Feh...
Saitou: You're still here, Half Dog Boy?
Shingai: Would you care to trade seats? I have my co-host chair back and you have a spot on Miroku's lap?
Sango: ....No thanks...
Miroku: same time as her Yes please!! shoves Shingai off Come to Papa! opens arms wide for Sango, who only slaps him and walks offstage, blushing and fuming at the same time
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Well that was interesting...
Inu-Yasha: Smooth move, perv.......
Miroku: rubbing his sore face Shut up, Half Dog Boy...
Inu-Yasha: laughing At least I'm not the one with a sore face, loser!
Kagome: Sit boy! That's very rude!
Shippo: You really don't have a way with women Miroku. You should be nicer and treat them better too!
Kagome: pets Shippo That's right, and you could use some manners too, Inu- Yasha...
Inu-Yasha: on the floor Feh...
Miroku: Now who's the loser?
Shippo: Both of you!
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Thanks, Shippo.
Shippo: You both let the women you love walk right away from you!
Inu-Yasha: I don't love anyone! A demon doesn't need love!
Saitou: Half-demon...
Inu-Yasha: Shut up, Spider-hair!
Shippo: Inu-Yasha! That's not nice!
Inu-Yasha: He started it!
Saitou: Actually, Miroku started it...
Shingai: And I'm gonna finish it....gets up and pushes Miroku out of her co-host chair and she sits in it
Saitou: Thank you God!
Audience: hysterical laughter and applause
Shippo: Yeah Miroku! You shouldn't have pushed Shingai!
Miroku: But...Sango was practically offering herself to me...
Kagome: You have to learn to read a woman's signs, Miroku.
Shippo: And you could've asked Shingai to move!
Shingai: Yeah really....hey Kagome?
Kagome: Yes Shingai?
Shingai: About coming to your house...
Kagome: Let's go then! leaves, dragging Inu-Yasha behind her
Inu-Yasha: Hey! Yooow! Let me go, damn it!
Shippo: Bye, Saitou-san!
Saitou: Uh, bye little fluffy thing...
Shingai: Okay folks! The show's over now get out!
Saitou: Join us next time to meet the guys from Saiyuki on...
Both: Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!!
Audience: applause and files out
This story was written and co-written by Raoulak and Marina
Disclaimer: We do not own Hajime Saitou or his guests.
Catchy Theme Song:
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!
Kagome: Lookin' for the shards of stuff and light!
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Shingai: One might say my my my!!
Girly fan: Oh Saitou-san, you're so sexy I could just die!
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!
Inu-Yasha: Feh.
Saitou: --;...Keep it going! C'mon!
Kagome: Hajime Saitou!
Inu-Yasha: Hajime Saitou?!...Feh.
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!
Saitou: smirk
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!!! You're so sexy! I could just die!
Both: Your fame is being haunted!
Saitou: As much as I love this, let's stop and start the show, Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!
Big manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!
Audience: applause
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!
Inu-Yasha: Just shut up and get on with it!
Saitou: Okay, welcome everyone!! Tonight's special guests are Inu-Yasha and Kagome from...well...Inu-Yasha!
Inu-Yasha: Feh.
Kagome: Inu-Yasha, don't be so rude!
Inu-Yasha: Kagome, don't be so nice!
Kagome: Okay then, sit boy!
Inu-Yasha: plop....Ahhhh...
Saitou: So what brings you both to this side of the well?
Inu-Yasha: These damn beads!! grasps black bead necklace
Audience: laughter
Saitou: Why do you have them again? Refresh my memory.
Inu-Yasha: Does it matter?!
Kagome: When someone asks you a question, it's only polite to answer it, Inu-Yasha!
Inu-Yasha: I answered a question with a question!!!! Answers can be a question, and you can you not question a question with a question and answer a question with a question? You got that?!
Saitou: Nifty answer, sorry I asked...
Inu-Yasha: Feh.
Kagome: Inu-Yasha! Why are you being so difficult?!
Inu-Yasha: Because I can.
Kagome: --;...SIT!!!!
Inu-Yasha: falls to ground Ow....
Kagome: Hmph.... Serves you right!
Inu-Yasha: Right.
Audience: laughter
Saitou: Uh-huh...well...that went well, don't you think?
Shingai: Oh yeah, just perfect.
Saitou: Shut up...I'm doing my best here...
Inu-Yasha: gets up....Feh...what do you know, you're the one with the spider hair-do, now ask your stupid questions so I can go!
Saitou: Spider hair, eh? Well how would you like this, dog-boy? Or should I say HALF dog-boy? pulls out a leash and collar and gives them to Kagome
Inu-Yasha: You lookin' for a fight?!
Saitou: You wouldn't stand a chance...
Inu-Yasha: Want a bet?! draws Tetsusaiga
Saitou: You can't possibly think you could harm a rat with that thing, do you?
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, but I don't want to fight one right now, I have my eyes on you!
Kagome and Shingai: Dearly not queerly.
Saitou: Oh really...Don't think I don't know about your little sword, Inu- Yasha. You can only use it to protect someone, and I'm not about to hurt anyone here but you! Now, you're not only a Half-Dog-Boy, you're a Half- Dog-Half-Chicken-Boy.
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, and what are you, half arachnid man?
Audience: Ooooh!!!
Saitou: Enough with the snide hair comments already, I can see you're just jealous.
Inu-Yasha: Jealous of what?! You're bodacious idiot 'do and this pathetic show?!
Saitou: I'll pretend you never said that... Kagome, what did you do with the leash I just gave you?
Kagome: I have it with me. Should I get it out?
Saitou: Yes please, and restrain the chicken-dog-boy.
Kagome: If it shuts him up, SIT!!!!!
Inu-Yasha: plop Ow....
Audience: hysterical laughter
Kagome: puts collar around Inu-Yasha There!
Shippo: pops out of Kagome's bag I can't breathe in there, can I come out now?!
Saitou: falls out of chair, startled Woah, what the hell is that?
Kagome: Yes...it's safe now, Shippo.
Shippo:
Inu-Yasha: I thought I told you to stay at home, you little brat!
Kagome: This is our friend, Shippo. Well, my friend anyway.
Saitou: What's a Shippo?
Shippo: Kagome said I could come! sticks tongue out at Inu-Yasha
Saitou: No one still has answered my question...
Shippo: That's my name!! And I'm a fox demon!
Inu-Yasha: More like a midget demon...
Kagome: hits Inu-Yasha over the head
Inu-Yasha: Ow!!
Saitou: I see...now what's that high pitched squeaking in my ear? Shingai, can you hear it too?
Shingai: Uhhh...Saitou, what's that on your neck?
Saitou: AAAAAAAAH!! GET IT OFF!!!
Myoga: suck suck, gets bigger....Ahhhh, fresh blood.
Saitou: IT'S A...THING!! GET IT OFF ME! runs around, swatting at his neck
Shingai: pulls off Myoga ...Hmm, what is this?
Myoga: Ack!! Put me down! I'm a flea, now leave me alone!
Shingai: --;...It talks too....wow...
Inu-Yasha: Gimme that! grabs Myoga from Shingai and puts him on his shoulder
Audience: laughter
Saitou: sits back down
Shingai: What....er who is that?
Saitou: rubbing his neck
Myoga: I am Myoga the flea, sworn to serve Lord Inu-Yasha!
Inu-Yasha: But always flees when there's trouble...
Myoga: Do not! Okay, maybe sometimes...
Inu-Yasha: More like all the time...
Shippo: Can I eat him now?!
Kagome: Shippo!!!
Shippo: What?! I'm hungry! You are the one who shoved me in there points to backpack remember?
Kagome: Shippo, can't you eat later?
Shippo: But I'm hungry now! cries
Shingai: Uhhh, you can have the rest of my lunch if you want it; my mom always makes way too much for me.
Shippo: YAY!! jumps back in the bag
Shingai: Enjoy.
Audience: laughter
Shippo: pops back out It's all gone!
Inu-Yasha: Eh....
Kagome: Inu-Yasha!!
Inu-Yasha: Hey, it was either the sandwich or him!
Shingai: Oh.
Saitou: Can I interject?
Inu-Yasha: What now??
Saitou: Damn it, Cindy, hold up the cue cards!! Okay, well...damn it, I forgot what I was going to say...
Audience: hysterical laughter
Inu-Yasha: Feh...
Shippo: Inu-Yasha!!! You ate my sandwich!!!
Kagome: Actually it was my sandwich...
Inu-Yasha: No, it was her sandwich!!! points to Shingai I tasted the difference!!!
Saitou: How can you tell whose sandwich is whose? You never met Shingai until today!
Inu-Yasha: Yes and her sandwiches taste better still.
Kagome: What's that supposed to mean?
Inu-Yasha: Her sandwiches taste better, just what it says.
Kagome: How would you know if my sandwiches taste better or not if you haven't tried mine?
Inu-Yasha: Judging by all the other things you've made, it probably would taste worse.
Kagome: Sit boy!
Inu-Yasha: plop Oowww...
Shippo: sits on Shingai's lap Inu-Yasha, you should be nicer to Kagome since you both like each other.
Audience: AWWWWWW!!!
Inu-Yasha: What?!?!?!
Shippo: Since you two like each other, you should be nicer.
Audience: Awww...
Inu-Yasha: Spiderman, will you hurry up and ask your dumb questions so I can leave?
Saitou: Nice way to change the subject, eh? And don't call me that!!
Saitou: Well, I don't. Spiderman is just a gay ass who wears tight cat suits to show off his you-know-what's.
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, you're right. You only show how uptight you are.
Saitou: reaches for his katana
Inu-Yasha: Ok, bring it on! draws for Tetsusaiga
Saitou: You can't beat me with that rusty old thing...
Inu-Yasha: Says who?
Saitou: Says me... goes into Gatotsu stance
Inu-Yasha: gets in drawing stance
Shippo: Here we go again with another fight.
Kagome: Yeah, you would've thought fighting the camera man would've been enough. SIT BOY!!!
Inu-Yasha: plop Oowww...
Shingai: Please sit down, Saitou.
Saitou: Why? I need to kick half-dog-half-chicken boy's ass!
Shingai: Fine then. Procee-
Shingai's mother: Shinny!!!!!
Inu-Yasha: What was that?
Shingai: You don't want to know, trust me.
Inu-Yasha: I...don't?
Shingai's mother: hugs Saitou Hello Saitou dear! How have you been? Has Shinny been behaving?
Saitou: --; Let...go...of...me...twitch
Shingai: Mom, must you call me that?
Shingai's mother: Oh sorry Saitou dear. lets him go and pinches his cheek You're so darn cute!
Saitou: twitch
Shingai's mother: And who are these other cute sweeties?
Kagome: Hi, I'm Kagome, ma'am, and this brat here is Inu-Yasha.
Shingai's mother: Why hello Kagome and Inu-Yasha! hugs both of them tightly
Shingai: Mom, please let Kagome and Inu-Yasha go.
Inu-Yasha: Let...go...of me, you old hag!
Shingai's mother: Oh, well aren't you feisty? And Kagome, such a pretty girl, like my Shinny! But Shinny, must you wear such baggy clothes?!
Shingai: I like my clothes, and mom call me Shingai!
Kagome: I like Shingai-san's clothes too, Shingai-san's mom.
Shingai's mother: Do you two attend the same school deary?
Shingai: Thank you, Kagome.
Kagome: You're welcome, and no ma'am, we don't.
Shingai's mother: And who's this? bear hugging Shippo
Shingai: Don't hurt him now.
Shippo: foams at the mouth
Shingai: takes Shippo from her mother Are you okay? hug hug
Shingai's mother: Is he a rabid child?
Audience: --;
Shippo: I'm not a child! I'm a fox demon!
Shingai's mother: A very cute one.
Shippo: ears wiggle
Shingai's mother: Has Shinny been a good girl, Saitou?
Saitou: Depends on how you define good...
Shingai's mother: Has she been behaving and not giving you grief?
Saitou: Grief? Not exactly...
Shingai's mother: What do you mean by not exactly?
Saitou: I don't know, ask her yourself!
Shingai's mother: shakes her head Well anyway, I brought you all some cookies!
Inu-Yasha: Gimme!! snatches plate and devours all the cookies
Kagome and Shingai: Cookie monster --;
Shingai's mother: Good thing I brought more!! pulls them out
Kagome and Shingai: Ooh! Real food real food!!!
Inu-Yasha: eats those too
Shippo: Inu-Yasha!!! I was hungry, you eat my sandwich and now all the cookies! sobs
Inu-Yasha: with mouth full So? Stupid little brat, why would I care?
Shippo: Because it was meant for everybody!!!
Inu-Yasha: Says who?
Saitou: Says me!!
Shingai's mother: Well, that was all children, I'll go home and bake some more. leaves the set
Saitou: Thank God... That woman's a nightmare...
Shingai: Well, I gotta live with her, so you have it easy compared to me.
Saitou: Do you think I care? One moment with her is too much, let alone a lifetime.
Kagome: Why are you always so uptight?
Saitou: Same reason he's so care-free...points to Inu-Yasha
Inu-Yasha: still hasn't swallowed all of the cookies You're damn right. I don't give a rat's ass about any of you!
Shippo: Except for Kagome, of course!
Inu-Yasha: cocks an eyebrow and punches him multiple times...You still think that way, you little snot?
Shippo: with a black eye and bloody nose If you don't like her, then why are you getting so worked up over it, huh?
Inu-Yasha: Because you asked.
Shippo: I didn't ask, I stated a fact that now everyone in the audience and the nation that watches this show knows.
Inu-Yasha: ...
Audience: hysterical laughter
Kagome: blush
Inu-Yasha: You little brat!!! The only fact here is that Spiderman over here has a dumb show, and I am gonna kick your ass! starts punching Shippo non-stop
Saitou: pulls Shippo away from Inu-Yasha I...said...to stop CALLING ME THAT!! puts Shippo down and draws his katana
Shippo: runs and gets on Shingai's lap Inu-Yasha, why are you always so mean?!?!?! rubbing his head
Inu-Yasha: Because I can...!
Shingai: Yeah can you cool it, we got a show to run, you know. rubs Shippo's head
Shippo: That hurt too!
Inu-Yasha: Feh...Does it look like I care?
Saitou: Hello, I challenge you to a fight, here... pokes Inu-Yasha with the tip of his katana
Shingai: shrugs Okay, fine, I need a cheap thrill. pulls out first aid kit Okay, proceed.
Saitou: Alright, then. You asked for it! charges with a Gatotsu at Inu- Yasha
Inu-Yasha: Oowww.....bangs him on the head with the untransformed Tetsusaiga
Saitou: OUCH! Wait, how'd you do that?!
Shingai and the Audience: SAITOU! SAITOU! SAITOU!
Kagome: Inu-Yasha, for once I must agree with Shingai, that Saitou will teach you a lesson.
Saitou: Sure as hell I will! ::stabs Inu-Yasha::
Inu-Yasha: Ya bastard!!! bangs him again Take that and that and that!!!!! bangs him some more
Saitou: I'll run this sword right through you, half-dog-half-chicken boy! slices Inu-Yasha's arm
Inu-Yasha: Ahhhh! falls to his knees then gets back up and bum rushes Saitou
Saitou: parries then attacks again
Inu-Yasha: Think you're slick don't you, Spiderman?
Saitou: I SAID TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!! slashes at Inu-Yasha again
Kagome: goes over to Inu-Yasha...ok, Saitou, I think he's had enough. Inu- Yasha, please, this is so childish!
Inu-Yasha: You can't make me!!
Kagome: SIT!!!!!!
Inu-Yasha: plop Okay, maybe you...can...
Shingai: If only I could tame my wild friends that way. --
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: At least your mother...
Shingai: Yeah really. I guess I'll just have to use a leash until then.
Shippo: You wouldn't put me on a leash, would you Shingai-san? .
Shingai: No of course not.
Saitou: Well, now that you mention it...
Kagome: --;......So, Saitou can you juggle?
Saitou: What the hell?!
Shingai: Here we go again, asking if Saitou's capable of doing circus activities. --;
Kagome: Uhhh.......woops?
Saitou: --;;;
Shippo: Do you have anymore food, Shingai-san? sniffs her for food and goes through her backpack
Saitou: --;;;
Inu-Yasha: This banana....chewing on a banana
Audience: laughter
Kagome: Shingai-san, take it from me, when you're around them, never have food on you. --
Shingai: Yeah, I know Saitou eats like a horse when he comes to my house.
Saitou: Shut up, Shingai! Can we move on now?
Shingai: Yeah sure why not, it is your show.
Inu-Yasha: Even YOU, Shingai, would make a better host than Spiderman here.
Saitou: Excuse me?!
Shingai: Thanks.....I think......but for now I have to keep his ratings high with sarcasm.
Inu-Yasha: You heard me!!!!
Saitou: cheap-shots Inu-Yasha
Inu-Yasha: Ahhhhh!!! You bastard!!!! kicks him in the shin
Shingai: -- Oh hell, I give up with this little girl business, I'm 6 in a 16 year old body. Where the hell's my lollipop and dolly?
Saitou: That hurt, damn it!
Inu-Yasha: Be a man about it! kicks him again
Shingai: And people call me a little girl... --
Kagome: You don't act like one.
Saitou: kicks Inu-Yasha in the nuts again
Shingai: But then again, these are times when watching Saitou act like a teenager, Saitou, it's you and Inu-Yasha that make people appreciate me. pats him on the back Just keep brawling, I'm loving this.
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Don't touch me! smacks her hand away
Shingai: snickers See?
Kagome: Yes, Inu-Yasha is the same way. See? strokes Inu-Yasha's hair
Inu-Yasha: Don't touch me! smacks her hand away
Audience: hysterical laughter
Kagome: Hey you're right, Shingai.
Shingai: But sometimes Saitou's so fun to piss off.
Kagome: laughs....So what questions do you have for us, since Saitou's too busy to ask and Inu-Yasha's too busy to answer?
Shingai: Sure! How do you get to Feudal Honshu from modern day Tokyo?
Kagome: I use a magic well. It sort of acts like a portal. Inu-Yasha sometimes comes with me.
Shingai: I see. Maybe I'll throw my mom down there one day.
Kagome: It's right outside my house; you can come by anytime you want.
Shippo: Why would you do something so mean like that?
Shingai: Yeah or that would be a great place to stay to keep away from mom.
Kagome: That's a great idea! We can have a sleepover! I'll invite all my friends!!
Shingai: Sounds good.
Shippo: Can I come too?!
Kagome: Sure! Anytime!
Shippo: Yay!!!!! When?
Kagome: Uh...whenever Shingai does, I guess.
Shippo: Say after the show Shingai, please!!!!!!
Shingai: Saitou?
Saitou: stops pounding Inu-Yasha and looks up Yes?
Shingai: Are we doing anything after the show?
Saitou: WE are doing nothing. It's my wife's anniversary...OH CRAP! I forgot her present!
Inu-Yasha: Haha, Spiderman's so forgetful.
Shingai: I have it remember?
Saitou: Oh yeah...what is it again?
Shingai: whispers into his ear
Saitou: Oh yeaaaaah...
Shingai: What I meant was am I coming over for your party or no? Was I invited?
Saitou: I didn't know a party was planned.
Shingai: Okay, then we're not doing anything then. I guess I can, Kagome.
Shippo: YAY!!
Audience: laughter
Shingai: Why are you so happy?
Shippo: Because I love you! hugs Shingai tightly around the neck
Audience: Awww...
Shingai: Ahhhhh.....ruvv......you.......chooo.... gasps for breath
Audience: laughter
Miroku: wanders in followed by Sango Did someone say love?
Shippo: lets go of Shingai Yay!! Sango! runs over and hugs her
Miroku: Hey, what about me?
Sango: hugs Shippo...Perv....--;
Audience: laughter
Miroku: Hey, wait a...sees Shingai Hello there, young miss! runs over to her and grabs her hands Would you...please bear my child? pats her on the boob
Audience: hysterical laughter
Shingai: does a Saitou glare at the audience
Audience: falls silent
Shingai: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Saitou: glares at Shingai
Shingai: glares back
Audience: Ooooh.
Sango: pimp-slaps Miroku Watch it, mister!
Shippo: What's wrong with them?
Kagome: They're all just being immature, Shippo, ignore them.
Shingai: rolls eyes This is dumb.....anyway looks at Miroku and Sango Who are you two?
Sango: I am Sango, and this poor perv here is Miroku.
Miroku: holding his cheek Ow...
Shingai: Welcome.
Sango: Thank you, Shingai-san. bows
Shingai: No problem Sango, you wanna sit? points to two chairs
Sango: Sure! sits
Miroku: Wouldn't mind if I do. sits on Sango's lap
Shippo: Mr. Saitou, how come you glare when you're mad?
Saitou: Because...it makes me feel better...
Sango: pushes him off...Perv....
Miroku: rubs his bruised butt Ow...
Shingai: Well there is another seat there... points beside Saitou
Saitou: I'm not letting that perv sit next to me! What if he's a fag?
Inu-Yasha: What, afraid someone will finally come onto you?
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Tokio comes onto me often enough, thanks!
Miroku: I'll leave that one alone....sits on Kagome
Kagome: Hey! Get off! pushes him off
Audience: hysterical laughter
Miroku: falls on floor Here we go again... gets up Okay fine then, this is where I sit for the rest of the show. plops down on Shingai's lap
Shingai: Hey! Get off me! pushes him but he doesn't budge
Audience: hysterical laughter
Miroku: I like this seat, it's nice and squishy.
Saitou: Didn't you hear her? She said get off, monk man.
Shingai: --; Great, glad you enjoy my lap, and I can't feel anything below my waist.
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: She said get off...raises his sword to him
Miroku: doesn't budge...They say it's bad to strike at a monk.
Saitou: Monk or not, you and your petty ways don't scare me.
Miroku: Well then, if you have nothing but misfortune following the event of you hitting me, then I told you so.
Saitou: Sure...whatever...Get up.
Miroku: doesn't budge No thank you.
Saitou: I do not wish to murder a holy man, if you even are one, nor do I wish to get blood on Shingai's kimono, so this is the last time I will say it. Get up.
Miroku: I doubt you'll be able to murder me, and it is not polite to spill blood on a female, so just don't do it.
Saitou: Well, if you were to move, then this whole situation would be resolved, now wouldn't it?
Miroku: Well think of it this way: at least it's not your lap I'm sitting on.
Saitou: True, true...but that's not the point!
Shingai: Thank God, but I don't want you on mine either!
Audience: hysterical laughter
Miroku: In that case...stands up, lifts her onto his lap, and gropes her butt
Shingai: O.-.....Miroku! Stop!!! slaps his hand
Miroku: At least it wasn't my face.
Shingai: In that case...slaps his face
Audience: laughter
Miroku: eyebrow twitch I'd say it was worth it...
Shingai: slaps him again Behave you, now I don't have a seat.
Audience: laughter
Sango: I'd like a piece of that! slaps him too
Miroku: Okay, I'm not entirely sure I deserved that...
Shingai: nods You did, good job Sango!
Miroku: What'd I do to her?
Sango: blushes Just...stuff, okay?
Miroku: eyes her warily You're not...jealous...are you?
Sango: .........
Miroku: prepares for another slap
Audience: goes Ooooooh!
Sango: leans up, kisses him on the cheek, and sits back down, blushing
Miroku: O.O
Shingai: Sango?
Sango: ....What?
Kagome: Awww, Sango, that's sooo sweet! I knew you could do it!
Inu-Yasha: Feh...
Saitou: You're still here, Half Dog Boy?
Shingai: Would you care to trade seats? I have my co-host chair back and you have a spot on Miroku's lap?
Sango: ....No thanks...
Miroku: same time as her Yes please!! shoves Shingai off Come to Papa! opens arms wide for Sango, who only slaps him and walks offstage, blushing and fuming at the same time
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Well that was interesting...
Inu-Yasha: Smooth move, perv.......
Miroku: rubbing his sore face Shut up, Half Dog Boy...
Inu-Yasha: laughing At least I'm not the one with a sore face, loser!
Kagome: Sit boy! That's very rude!
Shippo: You really don't have a way with women Miroku. You should be nicer and treat them better too!
Kagome: pets Shippo That's right, and you could use some manners too, Inu- Yasha...
Inu-Yasha: on the floor Feh...
Miroku: Now who's the loser?
Shippo: Both of you!
Audience: hysterical laughter
Saitou: Thanks, Shippo.
Shippo: You both let the women you love walk right away from you!
Inu-Yasha: I don't love anyone! A demon doesn't need love!
Saitou: Half-demon...
Inu-Yasha: Shut up, Spider-hair!
Shippo: Inu-Yasha! That's not nice!
Inu-Yasha: He started it!
Saitou: Actually, Miroku started it...
Shingai: And I'm gonna finish it....gets up and pushes Miroku out of her co-host chair and she sits in it
Saitou: Thank you God!
Audience: hysterical laughter and applause
Shippo: Yeah Miroku! You shouldn't have pushed Shingai!
Miroku: But...Sango was practically offering herself to me...
Kagome: You have to learn to read a woman's signs, Miroku.
Shippo: And you could've asked Shingai to move!
Shingai: Yeah really....hey Kagome?
Kagome: Yes Shingai?
Shingai: About coming to your house...
Kagome: Let's go then! leaves, dragging Inu-Yasha behind her
Inu-Yasha: Hey! Yooow! Let me go, damn it!
Shippo: Bye, Saitou-san!
Saitou: Uh, bye little fluffy thing...
Shingai: Okay folks! The show's over now get out!
Saitou: Join us next time to meet the guys from Saiyuki on...
Both: Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!!
Audience: applause and files out