Ok, reasonably long chapter. Hopefully you reviewed the last one; else you shouldn't be here! ^_^

Enjoy. ^_^

~Lainfaer~

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Chapter 4: Love and Despair.

"Amin mela lle melamin."

"Amin mela lle." The two kissed briefly.

The Fellowship was preparing to leave Lothlórien after a month-long stay. Haldir had taken Legolas aside, and they were saying their final farewells.

"Be careful," Haldir begged Legolas, pressing his forehead against the Princes. "I couldn't bear to lose you now."

"You won't," Legolas promised, kissing him again. "Stay here and wait for my return. I will come back to you. Namárie." His voice was husky with both heartache and love for the Elf before him.

They embraced firmly, neither wishing to let go. Then Legolas heard Aragorn asking someone where he had got to, and he had to return to the others. He kissed his lover once more, then turned his back, and walked down to the boats.

As they sailed down the Anduin, he looked over his shoulder. The Elves were all standing on the riverside, watching them leave with sorrow in their hearts. He saw Haldir among them, no emotions written on his perfect features. He turned away, facing the river again, unable to look at him. If he did, he knew he would just turn the boat around, and go back to him. But he couldn't. He had to keep going. He had to stay with the Fellowship.

****

The ground disappeared, mile after mile beneath his soft-shod feet. He made no sound as he ran; there was just the sound of Gimli's heavy plodding behind him and Aragorns' reasonably light footsteps beside him.

Over Rohan the Three Hunters were running, following desperately after the Uruk-Hai that had taken Merry and Pippin from them, killing their companion Boromir in the process.

Legolas could feel Aragorn watching him. He knew his friend was worried about him, but he chose to ignore it. All the way down the River, and even now, he had remained silent, talking only when he was spoken to. He was missing Haldir terribly, and it showed. Aragorn did not know how deep their relationship actually was, and did not fully understand the amount of pain Legolas felt at leaving his love behind.

Legolas sped up a little and overtook his friend, running off into the distance. Aragorn sighed and ran after him. "Come on Gimli," he yelled over his shoulder. "We're catching up!" 

"Dwarves were not built for long-distance running!" he puffed back, doing his best to keep up with them. "We were made to fight and mine, not run like this! Short-distance maybe, but never this far!"

Aragorn crested a hilltop, and found Legolas scanning the horizon. "What can you see?" he asked breathlessly, coming up beside the Elf.

Legolas showed no sign of tiring or fatigue. "The Uruks' are far ahead, though we have gained on them a little," he replied softly, not looking at the Ranger. "How is Gimli faring?"

"He's fine. Doing well for a Dwarf actually. I'm surprised he can even move in all that armour." Legolas smiled a gentle smile, lifting Aragorns' heart a little. It was good to see his friend smiling again.

"Legolas, why are you being so quiet and withdrawn?" he asked quietly, still looking at the Prince.

"What do you mean?" He really did not want this right now.

"You're hardly talking. And when you do, it is only to answer a question, or tell us something somewhat important. What troubles you melonin?"

"Nothing, do not worry."

"I may be a human Legolas, but I am not completely blind." He glanced behind to check Gimli was not too near to overhear. "You are one of my closest friends. I can see something ails you. Please tell me. I am worried, no matter what you say." 

"It is nothing important. It is a personal matter."

"Do you not trust me?"

"Of course I do." He finally faced the Ranger. "Its just…I can't explain it. I'm missing Lothlórien. I had an…incredible time there, and wish I could return, or at least stay a little longer. That's all."

"That's not really personal Legolas. You have someone special back there?"

"Maybe." He looked back over the rolling plains of Rohan.

"You do, don't you? Why didn't you tell me before? I am happy for you." Legolas smiled faintly. "I knew it! You do! Come on, who is it?"

"Must I tell you?"

"Only if you want I suppose. But I would really like to know. Are wedding bells in the air?"

Legolas gave a short laugh. "I doubt it." He faced Aragorn, frowning slightly. "Aragorn, this must not be told to anyone else. If that Dwarf finds out…you will be in serious trouble."

"I understand."

Legolas sighed. "Its Haldir."  

Aragorn did not show any emotions on his face, though many things went through his head in that moment. He knew male pairings among Elves was common, but he had never guessed Legolas had a male lover, especially not the cold, stern Marchwarden of Lothlórien. He recovered himself quickly. "That is wonderful news Legolas. I don't know why you didn't say anything before."

"Because…it will take too long to explain. We have not been together long." He grinned. "In fact…only since we arrived there."
"What, we as in, the Fellowship?"
"Yes, who else would I be talking about?"

"Surely you knew him before now."

"Oh yes, and we had told each other how we felt…in a way. But we had just never done anything about it." Aragorn knew only snippets of his past, and he did not want to drag it all up now.

He glanced back over his shoulder. "Gimli is coming. No more of this please Aragorn. It is hard enough being away from him."

"I know." He fingered the Evenstar around his neck. "I understand."

Gimli arrived then, puffing and panting to the top of the hill. "What have I missed?" He could feel a slight tension in the air.

"Nothing," Legolas replied quickly. "Quick rest, then we'll continue, agreed?" The other two nodded, and Gimli sat down on a rock, wiping his forehead.

****

Legolas gazed over the plains of Rohan once again. Except this time, he was in a warm room, with a fire burning merrily in the hearth, and food and drink sat waiting on his table.

But he was not hungry. Ever since they had arrived at Edoras, he had missed Haldir twice as much. He did not know why; he just had. They had met up with Gandalf again in Fangorn Forest, whom they had thought dead in the Mines of Moria. For a short while he was happy again, but then his mind drifted back to Lothlórien, and his love that waited there for his return.

Haldir. How he missed him. Just thinking of him made his heart pang with anguish. How he wished to see him again; his hair shining silver in the gentle sunlight of Lothlórien, his cold, but tender eyes watching him, his hands softly caressing his skin…

He stifled a sob, and turned back into his room. He completely ignored the food. He wasn't at all hungry or thirsty. How could he concentrate on food, when his heart was hurting him this much?

Over the past few days, Aragorn had been giving him funny looks - sideward glances and the sort. He could clearly see something was still wrong with the Elf-Prince, and was not going to let it lie easily. Legolas was preparing himself for an encounter with the Ranger. Aragorn would ask loads of questions, and he would need to be quick on his feet, to stop anything slipping out accidentally.

Aragorn knew nothing of his past life in Rivendell. Or so he hoped. The twins wouldn't have told him anything; Legolas knew he could trust them. But anyone else could have. Anyone that had been present in the courtroom the day when Astalder was condemned to complete banishment from each Elven realm.

Any of the healers that had helped Lord Elrond when he had been hurt. He doubted any of them would care if they told anyone. It had all ended years ago after all. Aragorn was always in the Healing Block when he was younger. It could have slipped out then.

Lord Elrond himself, or Arwen. Aragorn and Arwen were in love, and so she would tell him everything, keep no secrets from him. That's the idea of having a solid relationship. No secrets.

He frowned, going over all the possible people in his head that could have told Aragorn of his past. Haldir himself could have mentioned it, during their stay in Lothlórien. Or maybe before. The Marchwarden certainly knew Aragorn very well, and may have told him.

But no, Haldir wouldn't do that to him. He knew that it was a secret to be kept secret, only for certain people to know. And he would have asked Legolas if he could tell Aragorn. He wouldn't have just told him on a whim.

Would he?

Legolas shook his head, ridding himself of these thoughts. He trusted Haldir, and knew in his heart that he had not told Aragorn about what had happened to him. The Ranger had probably just heard rumours, and was figuring it out for himself. He was an intelligent man, and the answers would form quickly in his head.

A knock at the door startled him. He hurriedly wiped his eyes. "Come in," he called, straightening his clothes.

Aragorn poked his head from the corner, smiling at his friend. "Just wondered if I could a have a quick word Legolas."

"Of course, come in." Aragorn shut the door behind him and walked over to stand beside his friend at the window. He noticed the food and drink had not been touched.

"It's a beautiful night," Legolas commented.

Aragorn nodded in agreement. "Very. So many stars."

"Reminds me of home. You can always see hundreds of stars from Mirkwood Palace." He smiled back at his friend.

"Legolas, I don't want it to seem as if I am interfering, but I am getting really quite worried about you now. You're still acting so quiet and withdrawn from us all. What's wrong melonin? You can tell me."

"Its just like I told you before, that's all. I just…miss home. And Haldir," he added quietly.

"Yes, I understand that, but I can tell there is something else." He turned away from the window, and faced back into the room. "Legolas, I have heard stories…"

"Ignore rumours Aragorn," The Prince told him a bit more harshly than he really meant to. "Rumours are just that…rumours. Hardly ever true."

"I knew that was what you would say. No Legolas, I mean, rumours that I know are true."

"About what?"

"What happened in Imladris, about 600 years ago."

"I don't wish to talk about it." He turned and walked over to his bed, sitting silently down on the end, legs crossed. He looked down at his clasped hands.

"Legolas…" Aragorn sat next to him, tilting his chin up to look at him. "Please, I need to know. I thought I was your friend…"

"We've been through all this," Legolas retorted, jerking his head out of Aragorns' fingers. "Yes, you are my friend, and if you really cared about me as much as you say you do, you would leave me in peace for a while." 

"I have left you in peace long enough Legolas. As a friend, we should be able to trust each other, and not have any secrets."

"It is a personal matter."

"But I know half the story anyway! However, I do not know what parts are true. I just want to know what really happened."

"But I don't want to tell you!" Legolas stood up and walked away from his friend. "Please Aragorn, just leave it." He leant against the window-frame, shutting his eyes to the world.

Aragorn was not going to give up that easily. He could see Legolas was hurting, and he wanted to help. He went and stood beside him, slipping a comforting arm round the Elfs' slender shoulders. This time, he did not pull away.

"What have you heard then?" Legolas asked quietly, still not looking at the Ranger.  

"That you were mistreated."

"Just spit it out."

"Alright. I've heard you were raped on numerous occasions, that you almost died twice, and were beaten senseless countless times. Is it true, or is it all just a pack of lies?"

Silence. Aragorn waited patiently for his friend to answer, but after a long while, realised his fears were confirmed. "Oh Legolas…" He took his friend into a huge embrace.

Legolas stayed silent, and still did not open his eyes. He knew, that if he did, the tears that were threatening to spill would, and he refused to cry in front of Aragorn.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" he asked softly, looking down at the still Elf in his arms.

"I couldn't," was the hushed reply.

"But you know you can confide in me Legolas. You know I would never, ever tell anything to anyone that you wished me to keep secret. You are one of my best friends, and…"

"I couldn't tell you, because I felt so…so…dirty, and…guilty." He pulled back from Aragorn, and the Ranger saw the tears glistening in the depths of the blue orbs. "I was so humiliated when it all happened. Do you know how it feels, to be treated as a sex slave for an entire century, to be beaten and raped so many times you become immune to the pain? Yet I never said anything." He took a few steps back, and one tear fell, sliding down his porcelain cheek, leaving a dark trail in its wake.   

"I said nothing," he continued. "I let Astalder walk all over me, use me like a puppet. Everything he said, I did. Everything he did to me, I responded to. Because I had to, because I loved him! I loved someone, who treated me like a rag doll. A punch-bag fit for nothing except forced sex and beatings. Why? Why did I let him do it? Why Aragorn?" he was shouting by now, and more tears were falling. He was walking further back into the darkness of his room.

"Shh Legolas, someone will hear," Aragorn warned, following his friend slowly.

"I don't care anymore," Legolas answered, but his voice had lowered a little. "Everyone seems to know about it anyway, why not make a public announcement? Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, Son of the great King Thranduil, was raped and beaten numerously for over a century! Ta da!" He stopped when he reached the wall, and slid down it onto the floor, hugging his knees up to his chest. He buried his head into his knees and wept.

Aragorn hurried to his side, and held him again. Legolas sobbed onto his shoulder, not caring about his pride and dignity anymore. It had flown out the window ages ago.

Hearing his friend talk like this made tears come into Aragorn's eyes. Angry tears, tears of sorrow for his friend. He had heard stories of Elves being raped, but that their souls then travelled to Mandos, their bodies, and minds not being able to bear the humiliation of being taken by force like that. If that was indeed true, then how had Legolas survived a whole century?

Because he had believed he was loved. And he had loved Astalder in return. He wasn't to blame. You can't help whom you fall in love with.

"I'm so sorry Legolas," he whispered, stroking the fair hair. "I am so, so sorry." 

"Don't be," Legolas assured him, leaning against the Man's shoulder. The tears had subsided for a while. "I don't want your pity. I don't deserve it."

"No, don't think that way Legolas. You deserve more than the rest of us. If I had known what you had gone through before now, I…"  

"There is nothing you could have done," Legolas interrupted, looking up into his eyes. "Astalder is long gone. He was banished from all three Elven kingdoms for a millennium, and forbidden to pass over to Valinor until that time was up. If he was spotted within a ten-mile radius of any of these places, he was to be shot on site without hesitation. He's out there, alone, wandering the wilds, a bit like you really. But he has no friends, unlike you."

"He's a bit of a loser then?"

Legolas laughed softly. "Definitely. Thank you Aragorn."

"For what?"

"Being here for me."

"What are friends for? Just remember Legolas. I'll always be here if you need me. If you ever need to just talk about something, come to me." Legolas smiled, but his heart was still hurting. Those were almost the exact words Celebrían had spoken to him when he had been told of Astalders' punishments. But she had gone. She had left him. And he knew Aragorn would, one day. He was mortal, and so would eventually die.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Get some sleep," Aragorn told him, his hand still on the Elfs' back reassuringly. "You need a breather. You work so hard for other people Legolas, you never seem to think of yourself. I'll come and fetch you tomorrow morning when we set out for Helms Deep. Ok?" Legolas just nodded. "And have some food and drink. I don't want you fainting on me half-way to the Mountains!"

Legolas laughed this time.

****

Once Aragorn had left him alone again, Legolas lay on his bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. He had felt slightly better after telling Aragorn, so why did he still have that feeling of shame and disgrace? Aragorn understood what he had suffered, and did not think it was his fault. Yet he was still…embarrassed.

He guessed it was because it had shown he was weak when it come to love. But then again, everyone was, in his or her own way. Once you fall in love with somebody, you're doomed. You can love them so much; you can end up being hurt.

He sighed and shut his eyes to the darkness. He slowly emptied his mind of all the thoughts and memories, and drifted into a healing sleep. Everything would be better in the morning. It had to be.

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Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. Legolas was a bit OOC in this chapter! Went a bit…loopy, I suppose is the word, telling Aragorn all that stuff. Oh well. Tell me what you thought in a nice review please. Preferably no flamers, as I don't really want my hamster getting singed. Black really isn't her colour! Cheers! ^_^

~Lainfaer~