Summary: Begins at the start of the Marauders' last year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and continues on until that fateful Halloween night. James Potter finds out more than one secret that was hidden from him and also discovers that his feelings toward a certain Lily Evans are changing from spiteful rivalry to something...more.
Author's Notes: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! I never meant for it to take this long to get out! You all must hate me *sniffles* It's just with school, band, and swimming...my life's been kind of full for the last month and a half, plus I did leave my binder in the band room when I had a three day weekend. Don't remind me of that. *sighs* And I have to say that Chapter Twelve is one of the most stupidest chapters I have put together -.-; And it's short. Not short short...just shorter than how the past few chapters have been. Since I'm typing this before I type the story, I'm estimating that it will be about the length of Chapters Ten or Six...maybe even the length of Chapter Seven at best *sighs* Can't I skip this chapter and go on to the next? Bah. This chapter is so stupid...I hate writing progressing chapters...
Dedicated (you know I have to do this every time ^.^") to: RELUXI! Yay! You needed a dedication for you have been here for...well...a long time, I'll tell you that ^.^" Thanks for continuing to read this fic though it's taking forever to finish! I feel like JKR over here -.-' ^.^"
Disclaimer: Do I have to say this EVERY chapter? Jeez...if I owned them all then I would be a millionaire, wouldn't I? I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, that's for sure :P
Of Hidden Truths
(Unwanted Meeting)
Just as many thought Fate and God to have a sense of humor, James was beginning to believe Father Time had the same condition for he kept dragging out the week as if it was never meant to end and as the week continued, so did James' thoughts on what he should do. The problem was that, whenever he thought of it, his thoughts kept leading him into a circle, keeping him from getting any farther at reaching a decision.
This, of course, did not help matters much.
"What's up with you, James?" Neil would ask almost daily whenever he saw the pensive look on James' face. That day almost five days after Sirius had come, however, the construction worker added softly with some concern, "You've been real quiet lately."
James broke from his circling thoughts that consisted of "should've, could've, would've"s and looked up to the elder man, who was frowning at him.
"It's nothing," said James, leaning back in his seat behind the counter of the book store he was working at but added when getting a look from Neil, "It's a...personal matter is all."
"Oh, I see," said Neil thoughtfully before he walked over to the door to the back room, James watching him confusedly as he went. "Hey, Jess?"
A couple of clashes and thumps came in reply before the small woman shouted, "What?"
"You mind if I steal James for a moment?" Neil shouted back. James sighed, taking off his glasses to rub his face.
"Do whatever!" answered Jess as another thump came. "I don't care!"
"Thanks," muttered Neil before he turned back to James, a serious look on his face as he went up to his friend and pulled him into a standing position. "Come on, you. Time for a bit of a chat."
James' shoulders slumped. He didn't want to talk about this with Neil. He was a Muggle and didn't understand anything about what was going on.
He didn't say anything though. Just a muttered, "That's what everyone ever wants..." as Neil led him out of the shop and toward his apartment.
***
When they reached the apartment, Neil was the one to take the seat, something that James noted immediately. Unlike Sirius, Neil didn't care where James was when he spoke. He just wanted to listen to what he said. Sirius, however...well, Sirius never liked talking up to people--hated it, in fact--and with what he had revealed in his last visit, James could see why.
"Okay, Mr. Woe-Is-Me," said Neil as he sank into the folds of the couch, hands behind his head waiting for James to begin. "Spill."
James watched him for a moment before letting out a light sigh and looking out the window, expecting an owl would be there.
Sadly, the owl wasn't there to distract Neil.
Now resigned to his fate of telling Neil what had happened, James leaned against the kitchen island, hands gripping the edge of the top of the island and gaze lowered. "There isn't much to tell," he said finally after a pause. "An old friend of mine came the other day."
"Had a fight?"
"Briefly..." murmured James. Why was everything so difficult to say? He felt so detached as he spoke that he himself was becoming worried.
He suddenly shook his head, lifting his arms to cross them. "I can't take this anymore, Neil," he said rather bluntly before looking up to look at his friend on the couch with a pained and tired look. "I really hate not telling you things and lying to you."
Neil looked confused. "So you don't have a friend?"
Though he felt like laughing at the question, James couldn't even manage to give Neil a weak smile. "Yes, I do," he said, "it's just--" He paused for a moment before asking slowly, somewhat curiously, "What do you think about magic?"
"Parlor tricks," was the answer.
"Really?" questioned James before nodding and muttering a, "not surprising," before he shook his head again and said, "No, I'm not talking about that kind."
"There's another kind?" asked Neil, still rather confused about where all of this was going.
"Well..." James pushed away from the island, feeling less detached than how he felt moments ago. "What would you say if I told you I was a wizard and I could turn myself into a..." He quickly ran through several spells through his mind before erasing them and bringing up another idea-- "a stag?"
"Get your head checked."
"What?" asked James, brow furrowed.
"I'd say I want you to get your head checked," reiterated Neil with some seriousness. James thought he was actually really thinking about getting his head checked.
He really must sound crazy.
Somewhat frustrated that this was just going in a circle, James uncrossed his arms to toss them into the air in exasperation. "Great," he said loudly with some anger. "Out of all the people I could have befriended, I chose the most narrow-minded Muggle there is!"
Neil just stared at him as he paced the floor in front of him. "...right..." he said slowly. "So you're into the hocus-pocus stuff?"
At this question, James stopped his pacing to sigh and take off his glasses, rubbing his eyes yet again. "Never mind. Forget about it. I jus--"
Crack!
Where there had been a space near the door, there now stood a man with dark hair in dark robes who muttered to himself furiously, "...pestering me about Apparating in Muggle neighborhoods. Who does he think I am? An...er..."
The man then noticed there were two people present to hear his muttering.
"Wonderful entrance," said James flatly with obvious sarcasm. "I applaud you."
"How'd he do that?" asked Neil from the couch, his eyes wide with surprise.
The man who had appeared out thin air looked from James to Neil only to sigh and dig in his robes, searching for something. "I hate it when Remus is right," he muttered before pulling out his wand and aiming it toward Neil. "Obliv--"
"Wait a moment, Sirius," interrupted James quickly, stepping into the aim of fire. Sirius, being the one who had appeared from seemingly nowhere, hesitated for a moment, unsure of the way James was acting, before lowering his wand.
That done, James looked to the surprised Neil and said, "Neil, this is my old friend from my school days Sirius Black. Sirius, this is Neil O'Connor--"
"Who is a Muggle, James," reminded Sirius pointedly.
"What's all this 'Muggle' crap?" Neil demanded before James could say anything.
"Non-magic people," answered James distractedly as he looked to Sirius, once again feeling that detached feeling come over him. What was this feeling? "So, Sirius...is there a reason for just appearing in here?"
Sirius' eyes narrowed a little, for a reason James didn't know. "I needed to talk to you actually--"
"Sirius," interrupted James for a second time, "I really don't want to think about this now--"
It was then that James noticed Sirius' wand was being gripped uncertainly. Why was Sirius so edgy?
"Well," said Sirius sharply, ignoring the fact that James was paying partial attention to him, "you're going to have to. The world's not going to wait until you get the nerve to go against Voldemort--"
James snapped his head up to look Sirius in the eye. "I know that! You don't think I know that?" he shouted, surprising everyone in the room--including himself--except for Sirius. "Sirius, I don't know what to do!"
"Why can't you just trust me, James?" demanded Sirius, just as loudly as James had been. "I'm doing all I can to help you, but you won't let me! Why--"
"Because I'm afraid!" shouted James, bringing Sirius to a dead silence. It seemed as though those words were the ones that were needed to break the dam, to repress most of the detachedness James had been feeling.
"I'm scared now that you know about me, Sirius!" he continued as though there hadn't been a long pause. "I'm terrified by the thought that I left for nothing! That I abandoned you all for nothing when you could have understood--!"
James stopped himself as he realized that Sirius had raised his wand and it was now right before his face. Somewhat out of breath, James looked behind the wand to see Sirius, grim-faced and pale, watching him with narrowed, angered blue eyes.
"Never say it was for nothing, James," he said in a deadly whisper. "You left to protect us. You sacrificed you life in the Wizarding World to keep us safe!" He quickly looked away to regain his composure. "I don't know if I could have understood it then, James. I don't even know if I would have believed you" --he looked back to James, face now tight with anger-- "so never say it was for nothing!"
James stared at him for a long time, forgetting the fact that Neil was on the couch watching all of this, forgetting the fact that Sirius had his wand aimed at his head, ready to cast a curse at any moment.
Finally, he managed to speak, "How can you stand there and say that? Do you even realize what you're saying?"
Sirius didn't reply.
"God DAMN IT, Sirius!" James exploded suddenly, "Have you even begun to realize who I am--!"
"You," interrupted Sirius loudly, "are James Potter, my best and closest friend! Nothing has ever--will ever change that! Not even the fact that Voldemort is your biological father will change that fact!"
A sudden silence descended upon them...
...only to be interrupted by a laugh escaping James.
It wasn't a kind or polite laugh of one laughing at a joke made by another person. It was the kind of laugh that one would give when finding the irony of the hand that life had dealt him; a cynical sound that made Sirius wince.
"You're...you're so naïve..." James managed to say in-between chuckles.
Sirius' eyes narrowed further at this. "And you're cynical," he countered before looking behind James to get a glance at Neil. "Hey, O'Connor?"
"What?" asked Neil carefully.
"What if I told you James here" --he moved his wand slightly to indicate the now-quiet James-- "was the son of a maniac wizard bent on taking over and-or killing everyone that opposes him?"
Neil looked from James to Sirius. "I'd ask why you aren't in a nuthouse."
Sirius looked back to James pointedly. "I rest my case."
James looked away at this. "...I can't, Sirius. I'm sorry--"
"Sorry!" shouted Sirius in disbelief. "Tell that to Remus and Peter! I've told them that I managed to track you down and was trying to contact you! You would disappoint them by having me go back and say, 'Oh, James doesn't want to come back because he's too much of a flobberworm to come out of the hole he made in the ground'?"
James glared at him. "Guilt trip, Sirius?"
"You're testing my patience--" Sirius warned before he stopped as James grabbed his wand and lowered it.
James continued to watch him carefully, no longer glaring. "...I'll decide. I'll decide, all right?" he said, noting how Sirius' face was still tight in anger and frustration. "I...I can't be forced into this, Sirius."
A long pause followed those words.
"...all right," Sirius finally said. "All right, fine. Have it your way then." He jerked his wand from James' grip and swiftly tucked it into his robes before facing his old friend with fiercely determined blue eyes. "But if you think for an instant that I'll give up on you, James William Potter, you will be sorely mistaken. Got that?"
James merely nodded.
"Now..." said Sirius, looking back over to Neil. "About the Muggle--"
"Just leave him alone, Sirius," said James with a weary sigh. "He won't say anything, will you, Neil?"
Neil snorted. "I'll say this much: I really don't do well in enclosed spaces."
Sirius, however, continued to watch him uncertainly. "Right," he said finally, looking to James again. "Well, I ought to be going now." He turned to go without so much as a farewell.
James sighed and also turned away to head to his room to think when he heard Sirius' voice call, "Oh and, James?" James turned to see Sirius near the door, the serious look never falling. "Contact me when you've decided. You remember how, right?"
As soon as James nodded, Sirius gave a nod and then, with a crack, disappeared without a trace.
"...interesting friend," said Neil after a long pause in which James decided the armchair would be a better thinking place.
"You should meet Remus," he said as he rubbed his temples.
"Oh, Why's that?"
"He's a werewolf."
"Uh huh..." said Neil with a nod. "Now...about what you were saying about magic...?"
***
Proving what James was beginning to believe about Father Time, time chose to speed up after his last visit from Sirius. Each day, James thought about what was said between the two of them, and each day, James had to wonder what kept Sirius coming for him.
Hadn't he hurt him enough to where he would just want to give up on him? Hadn't they fought enough the past few times they had met to where he would be sick of waiting for James to come back? What kept Sirius going?
None of these questions, of course, could be answered by himself. Only Sirius could answer them; so though they remained a mystery, James would always turn his thoughts to to the matter at hand.
The decision of fighting against Voldemort and risking the lives of his friends or staying out of the fight and allowing his friends to be in danger with the threat of Voldemort taking over all of the Wizarding World...starting with Britain and moving on into Europe.
...why do such decisions involve so much soul-searching and moral debates?
"Hey, James," called Jess, bringing James away from his thoughts, "why are the books still in the boxes? James?"
"What?" he asked, confused for a moment before realizing what she was talking about. "Oh, er...sorry. I'll get on it--"
"Don't bother," she said impatiently as she went over to the boxes and opened one before pulling out some books. "What's up with you lately?"
Same old question.
"...nothing," said James with a sigh. "Nothing I can't handle. Don't worry about it--"
The sound of the bell on the door ringing with the entrance of a person stopped him from continuing. Jess leaned out of the back room to see who had come in and then said as she leaned back in, "New customer. You take it. I'll shelve."
"Okay..." James agreed, standing and brushing his pants off. "Just watch out for the far corner."
He exited the backroom while taking off his glasses to rub his eyes a bit, heading toward the counter where the customer was waiting. Once he got behind the counter, he looked up at the blurry form of a woman before placing his glasses back onto his nose and then saying, "Hi, can I--"
"Ah ha!" the woman cried in a British accent, pointed a finger between his eyes. He crossed his eyes to look at the offending finger which seemed to remind him of the position Sirius had had him in a couple of months ago. "It is you!"
The woman crowed happily, taking her finger away from James' face to throw a fist into the air triumphantly. "I've beaten him! Yes!"
James stared at the blonde woman as if she were in need of mental help. "Er..." he managed to say before the woman's hand was in his face again, this time in the form of a hand waiting to be shook.
"Arabella Figg," she said, introducing herself. "Don't think we've ever really met" --she pulled her hand out of his face before he could shake it-- "which makes me wonder why I've been trying to find you."
James' brow furrowed uncertainly until it clicked. "Lily's friend?" he asked and when he got an affirmative, swore to himself. "Oh, this is terrific! Now I have both you and Sirius jumping my case about coming back!"
"What?" shouted Arabella, outraged. "That damned--oh! He told us that--"
"Whatever," said James harshly, moving away from behind the counter. "What do you want?"
Arabella stared at him before narrowing her eyes at him. "I don't want anything other than you coming back to apologize to Lily!"
James snorted. "I'll send her a letter," he said, moving toward the door.
Arabella gaped at him in disbelief. "You bastard!" she exclaimed before rushing to catch up with him. "How can you say that?"
"Easily," he said coolly, still trying to get away from her as he opened the door. "Jess, I'm taking off!"
"Ouch!" shouted Jess from the back room. "What now?"
"Annoying customer!" he shouted back before turning to look to Arabella and then exiting the shop.
"Of all the--" The blonde woman exited the shop right behind him, dogging his steps. She then got beside him and started to speak in a mad rush in a heavy Irish accent, "O', James Potter, Ya bin askin' for it now, ya 'ave!"
"Just leave me alone!" Why wouldn't this blasted witch get the idea?
But she still ignored him and continued, "I canna jus' belie'e ya can jus' shu' us ou' like tha'! Ya incorrigible, insufferable--!"
James spun toward her, stopping suddenly. "Will you stop yelling at me! You don't even know me!"
She glared defiantly back at him. "Bu' I 'ave 'eard 'bout ya, I 'ave! An from wha' I bin tol', I 'ad though' ya woul' 'ave bin a nicer fella!"
"I'm only 'nice' to people who know what they're talking about," James gritted out in anger, frustration, and annoyance. When it seemed like she wasn't going to say anything more, he turned and continued his way back to his apartment.
"...you're so cold," he heard her say in a regular, non-distinct British accent. "Just like at the beginning of Seventh Year..."
"Let's just say I grew up," he called back to her without turning around.
"You didn't grow up, James Potter! You grew cold!"
He froze. That did it.
He spun to her and marched back to her. She retreated a step as he came, obviously aware that she had indeed pushed a button.
"You," he said to her when he stopped right in front of her, pointing a finger into her face, "don't know what you're talking about. You don't understand--no one does! No one ever understood! They always assumed they knew, but they didn't!" He then lowered his hand and looked away. "Only--"
"Only Lily, right?" she asked, but he didn't answer. "...I'm sorry..."
He looked to her, suspicious. "What are you apologizing for?"
"For assuming," she said simply. "I was told...that I shouldn't ever assume things about people."
Silence came...and for some reason, the winter day seemed a lot more colder and darker. James looked up at the sky line and noticed that the sun was setting. "I need to get going," he said without preamble.
He turned to go once more, this time trying to escape the dark and the cold rather than another person.
"James," called Arabella, stopped him once more. "Lily wanted me to give you a message if I ever saw you."
"...what is it?"
There was a sigh from Arabella's direction. "She told me to remind you of something you told her. 'When the winter comes, the air chills.';" She paused before continuing, "Her reply is: 'Though the cold is harsh, warmth can be found.'"
James was quiet for a moment. "...thank you, Arabella." He started off once more.
"I hope you do come back, James!" she called from her place behind him. "Your friends really miss you!"
There was a loud crack, and when James turned around, she was gone.
"...I just need..." he murmured, more to the two people that had found him than to himself, "...time..."
***
"You look glum."
James gave Jess a sour look ."Thanks for the information."
"Well, cheer up," said Jess as she sat on a box to dig through another one. "It's the holiday season."
"Don't remind me," muttered James as he leaned back into his seat.
The two of them were yet again in the back room of the book shop, supposedly 'working.' It was only a day after Arabella had come into the shop, but it had felt much longer than that.
Jess looked to James, who looked absolutely miserable. His face was pale, his upper-body was encased in a heavy winter's coat, and he constantly wore a frown. It also looked as if he was getting the flu or a cold, from what his glassy eyes and red nose indicated.
Shaking her head, she merely said as she turned back to her work, "I hope you work out whatever's troubling you, James. No one should be so sad for so long."
James didn't reply to that, but asked instead after a moment's pause, "Jess?"
"Hm?"
He shifted slightly, letting out a muffled cough-like sound. "...I once...read a poem," he said carefully, "but...I can only remember two lines...if I could remember what the poem was about--"
Jess sat up and watched him intently. Now this she could help with. "I can help. Come on."
For a moment, James wondered if this was a good idea but then said, "'When the winter comes, the air chills' and 'Though the cold is harsh, warmth can be found.'"
Jess pondered over the two lines for a moment and James thought that she might not even have gotten it when she said, "Sounds like the first part is from a different stanza than the one the second one is in--"
"But what," interrupted James quickly, "can the second part mean?"
"Well..." replied Jess slowly, "how does a couple find warmth in the cold winter?"
James gave her a pointed look before observing his present state. "I don't know."
Jess smirked. "By being in each other's arms." She paused to see if James would say anything, but there was nothing to say. He just sank into his seat more. "Close to each other in more than one sense."
"I see..." he murmured, his chin on his chest as he closed his eyes to think about the time when he had said those words. That time in the library...Seventh Year...the reason he and Sirius had had that row... "Thanks, Jess."
"No problem."
It was easy for her to say that, wasn't it? Easy for her to say that it was no problem to choose whether or not she was going to tell him what it meant...
He wished it could have been that easy for him as well...
Author's Notes: This wasn't even as long as Chapter Five! I'm disappointed in myself! Don't worry though. The next chapter (which WILL be out SOON!) should be longer and much better ^.^" Okay, time for the responses!
From Chapter 13 (aka Author's Apologies II)
MonkeyGurl1: Here's more! ^.^"
CassieOwls: Um, well...I tried getting it out as soon as I could. Is this soon enough? *sheepish grin*
Itnikki: Oh, good ^.^" I felt really stupid for doing that, I'm telling you, I was really upset. ^.^" Anyway, here's Chapter Twelve! Hope you like it! Oh! And I like your name, BTW. ^.^"
welshlili: ^.^" You know I couldn't help that joke ^.^" I appreciate you reading and saying it's the best, but I swear, it isn't that great ^.^" Shoot, I hate this chapter so badly *gags* It's horrible! That's why I'm going to get the next chapter out ASAP. ^.^" Glad you like this fic though!
Y. Kuang: *almost starts to bow again but stops* Eh...need to break that habit ^.^" But I still love your fics so much...need to read the updates you have...^.^" *snickers* A spare set of notes? Moi? You are crazy ^.^" Oh, I do that too! I have a lot of pages with nothing but dialogue and notes and stuff, but no one thinking I'm crazy...except when I tell them about my Cowboy Bebop fic...160+ pages of nothing but dialogue O.o Okay...I think I need my rubber room again...Oh! I like that simile! *writes it down* Mind if I use it at one point or another? ^.^" Oh, that's how I get most of my ideas...dreams, I mean. Actually, I'm half-asleep, half-awake when my ideas come ^.^" And don't worry, Lily will be back in Chapter...*looks at list* erm...Fourteen or Fifteen....so two to three chapters away from seeing Lily again. No worries! ^.^" Lol. Well, I expect a long review this time! Ja! ^.~!
Pristine: ^.^" And you told me to get a grip...actually, I think that's not the case with this fic. Some people leave it :P Just kidding...they usually come back...usually -.-' Wait you didn't review Chapter Ten *runs to look* Well, so you didn't...^.^" Well, I like the fact that you think it was unexpected ^.^" I'm so glad it turned out so well. I thought people would be throwing tomatoes at me for the over-used plot-line (though in my fic, it's a twist ^.^"). You read all three of those chapters when you got home? Jeez...those are my longest chapters...hope I didn't keep you up late. Lol. Some people accuse me of doing that ^.^" Well, I hop you found this chapter to be worth the wait, and if not, well...I have Chapter Thirteen ready to be typed up at any moment. Maybe Wednesday after swim practice I'll work on getting it up ^.^" Thanks for the review! Ja! ^.~!
Chapter Twelve (aka Chapter Eleven: Years Past)
Kel6: ^.^" Glad you came back to review. Bah...if those two got together so quickly then this story would just be boring. ^.^" Yes, I did adapt it a bit, but it worked PERFECTLY. ^.^" I was so happy about that. ^.^" James being a git in Fifth Year helped a bit too. Who woulda thought? ^.^" I actually thought James running what kind of cliché, but whatever you think ^.^" Thanks for reviewing! I hope you come back to read this chapter!
lena-jade: ^.^" I don't know what questions your asking, but I hope some of the future chapters help answer it! ^.^" Glad that you read it!
Leigh: Well, I hope this is a soon enough update ^.^" Thanks for the review!
crystal-blue: Wow...you found this fic on someone's favorites list? ^.^" Now there's something that makes me smile real big. I'm glad you enjoyed it so much!
tv-fan-06: ^.^" Continuing!
Reluxi: O.o How could you NOT tell? Lol, I have a SW short story in my author's profile, dude. ^.^" I'll try not to pull a JKR...how 'bout it take me another half-year to finish? I think that's how it's gonna be like anyway. Only... *counts* ...nine?! Nine more chapters?! Someone help me do some math! *recounts* ...yep...nine more...-.-' Bloody hell...*sighs* Oh, well...Lol. I know what you mean about the hair thing. I have a crush on a guy who does that...it gets annoying when he does it though...-.-' ^.^" I liked writing the little girl! She was fun to write! ^.^" And I think you'd like the Muggle-wizard interaction in this chapter as well if you liked "Do all owls carry letters?" ^.^" Yes, James answered that question with little to no hesitation. ^.^" Ah. Sirius has his way of finding people he wants to find...though it can take up to two years. ^.^" Of course James is going to go back...it wil just take him a bit of time to get there ^.^" Hope you didn't get tired of waiting! Ja! ^.~!
Parselmouth Majere: ^.^" Glad you liked that! Hope you came to read this chapter as well! Sorry for the wait!
---
Gah...I should be shot for letting ya'll wait so long -.-' But I PROMISE that Chapter Thirteen will be out SOON! Meaning THIS WEEK! If it isn't, you have my permission to gather an angry mob and attack me at my house ^.^"
Anyway, that's all for now! Ja ne! ^.~!
Author's Notes: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! I never meant for it to take this long to get out! You all must hate me *sniffles* It's just with school, band, and swimming...my life's been kind of full for the last month and a half, plus I did leave my binder in the band room when I had a three day weekend. Don't remind me of that. *sighs* And I have to say that Chapter Twelve is one of the most stupidest chapters I have put together -.-; And it's short. Not short short...just shorter than how the past few chapters have been. Since I'm typing this before I type the story, I'm estimating that it will be about the length of Chapters Ten or Six...maybe even the length of Chapter Seven at best *sighs* Can't I skip this chapter and go on to the next? Bah. This chapter is so stupid...I hate writing progressing chapters...
Dedicated (you know I have to do this every time ^.^") to: RELUXI! Yay! You needed a dedication for you have been here for...well...a long time, I'll tell you that ^.^" Thanks for continuing to read this fic though it's taking forever to finish! I feel like JKR over here -.-' ^.^"
Disclaimer: Do I have to say this EVERY chapter? Jeez...if I owned them all then I would be a millionaire, wouldn't I? I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, that's for sure :P
(Unwanted Meeting)
Just as many thought Fate and God to have a sense of humor, James was beginning to believe Father Time had the same condition for he kept dragging out the week as if it was never meant to end and as the week continued, so did James' thoughts on what he should do. The problem was that, whenever he thought of it, his thoughts kept leading him into a circle, keeping him from getting any farther at reaching a decision.
This, of course, did not help matters much.
"What's up with you, James?" Neil would ask almost daily whenever he saw the pensive look on James' face. That day almost five days after Sirius had come, however, the construction worker added softly with some concern, "You've been real quiet lately."
James broke from his circling thoughts that consisted of "should've, could've, would've"s and looked up to the elder man, who was frowning at him.
"It's nothing," said James, leaning back in his seat behind the counter of the book store he was working at but added when getting a look from Neil, "It's a...personal matter is all."
"Oh, I see," said Neil thoughtfully before he walked over to the door to the back room, James watching him confusedly as he went. "Hey, Jess?"
A couple of clashes and thumps came in reply before the small woman shouted, "What?"
"You mind if I steal James for a moment?" Neil shouted back. James sighed, taking off his glasses to rub his face.
"Do whatever!" answered Jess as another thump came. "I don't care!"
"Thanks," muttered Neil before he turned back to James, a serious look on his face as he went up to his friend and pulled him into a standing position. "Come on, you. Time for a bit of a chat."
James' shoulders slumped. He didn't want to talk about this with Neil. He was a Muggle and didn't understand anything about what was going on.
He didn't say anything though. Just a muttered, "That's what everyone ever wants..." as Neil led him out of the shop and toward his apartment.
When they reached the apartment, Neil was the one to take the seat, something that James noted immediately. Unlike Sirius, Neil didn't care where James was when he spoke. He just wanted to listen to what he said. Sirius, however...well, Sirius never liked talking up to people--hated it, in fact--and with what he had revealed in his last visit, James could see why.
"Okay, Mr. Woe-Is-Me," said Neil as he sank into the folds of the couch, hands behind his head waiting for James to begin. "Spill."
James watched him for a moment before letting out a light sigh and looking out the window, expecting an owl would be there.
Sadly, the owl wasn't there to distract Neil.
Now resigned to his fate of telling Neil what had happened, James leaned against the kitchen island, hands gripping the edge of the top of the island and gaze lowered. "There isn't much to tell," he said finally after a pause. "An old friend of mine came the other day."
"Had a fight?"
"Briefly..." murmured James. Why was everything so difficult to say? He felt so detached as he spoke that he himself was becoming worried.
He suddenly shook his head, lifting his arms to cross them. "I can't take this anymore, Neil," he said rather bluntly before looking up to look at his friend on the couch with a pained and tired look. "I really hate not telling you things and lying to you."
Neil looked confused. "So you don't have a friend?"
Though he felt like laughing at the question, James couldn't even manage to give Neil a weak smile. "Yes, I do," he said, "it's just--" He paused for a moment before asking slowly, somewhat curiously, "What do you think about magic?"
"Parlor tricks," was the answer.
"Really?" questioned James before nodding and muttering a, "not surprising," before he shook his head again and said, "No, I'm not talking about that kind."
"There's another kind?" asked Neil, still rather confused about where all of this was going.
"Well..." James pushed away from the island, feeling less detached than how he felt moments ago. "What would you say if I told you I was a wizard and I could turn myself into a..." He quickly ran through several spells through his mind before erasing them and bringing up another idea-- "a stag?"
"Get your head checked."
"What?" asked James, brow furrowed.
"I'd say I want you to get your head checked," reiterated Neil with some seriousness. James thought he was actually really thinking about getting his head checked.
He really must sound crazy.
Somewhat frustrated that this was just going in a circle, James uncrossed his arms to toss them into the air in exasperation. "Great," he said loudly with some anger. "Out of all the people I could have befriended, I chose the most narrow-minded Muggle there is!"
Neil just stared at him as he paced the floor in front of him. "...right..." he said slowly. "So you're into the hocus-pocus stuff?"
At this question, James stopped his pacing to sigh and take off his glasses, rubbing his eyes yet again. "Never mind. Forget about it. I jus--"
Crack!
Where there had been a space near the door, there now stood a man with dark hair in dark robes who muttered to himself furiously, "...pestering me about Apparating in Muggle neighborhoods. Who does he think I am? An...er..."
The man then noticed there were two people present to hear his muttering.
"Wonderful entrance," said James flatly with obvious sarcasm. "I applaud you."
"How'd he do that?" asked Neil from the couch, his eyes wide with surprise.
The man who had appeared out thin air looked from James to Neil only to sigh and dig in his robes, searching for something. "I hate it when Remus is right," he muttered before pulling out his wand and aiming it toward Neil. "Obliv--"
"Wait a moment, Sirius," interrupted James quickly, stepping into the aim of fire. Sirius, being the one who had appeared from seemingly nowhere, hesitated for a moment, unsure of the way James was acting, before lowering his wand.
That done, James looked to the surprised Neil and said, "Neil, this is my old friend from my school days Sirius Black. Sirius, this is Neil O'Connor--"
"Who is a Muggle, James," reminded Sirius pointedly.
"What's all this 'Muggle' crap?" Neil demanded before James could say anything.
"Non-magic people," answered James distractedly as he looked to Sirius, once again feeling that detached feeling come over him. What was this feeling? "So, Sirius...is there a reason for just appearing in here?"
Sirius' eyes narrowed a little, for a reason James didn't know. "I needed to talk to you actually--"
"Sirius," interrupted James for a second time, "I really don't want to think about this now--"
It was then that James noticed Sirius' wand was being gripped uncertainly. Why was Sirius so edgy?
"Well," said Sirius sharply, ignoring the fact that James was paying partial attention to him, "you're going to have to. The world's not going to wait until you get the nerve to go against Voldemort--"
James snapped his head up to look Sirius in the eye. "I know that! You don't think I know that?" he shouted, surprising everyone in the room--including himself--except for Sirius. "Sirius, I don't know what to do!"
"Why can't you just trust me, James?" demanded Sirius, just as loudly as James had been. "I'm doing all I can to help you, but you won't let me! Why--"
"Because I'm afraid!" shouted James, bringing Sirius to a dead silence. It seemed as though those words were the ones that were needed to break the dam, to repress most of the detachedness James had been feeling.
"I'm scared now that you know about me, Sirius!" he continued as though there hadn't been a long pause. "I'm terrified by the thought that I left for nothing! That I abandoned you all for nothing when you could have understood--!"
James stopped himself as he realized that Sirius had raised his wand and it was now right before his face. Somewhat out of breath, James looked behind the wand to see Sirius, grim-faced and pale, watching him with narrowed, angered blue eyes.
"Never say it was for nothing, James," he said in a deadly whisper. "You left to protect us. You sacrificed you life in the Wizarding World to keep us safe!" He quickly looked away to regain his composure. "I don't know if I could have understood it then, James. I don't even know if I would have believed you" --he looked back to James, face now tight with anger-- "so never say it was for nothing!"
James stared at him for a long time, forgetting the fact that Neil was on the couch watching all of this, forgetting the fact that Sirius had his wand aimed at his head, ready to cast a curse at any moment.
Finally, he managed to speak, "How can you stand there and say that? Do you even realize what you're saying?"
Sirius didn't reply.
"God DAMN IT, Sirius!" James exploded suddenly, "Have you even begun to realize who I am--!"
"You," interrupted Sirius loudly, "are James Potter, my best and closest friend! Nothing has ever--will ever change that! Not even the fact that Voldemort is your biological father will change that fact!"
A sudden silence descended upon them...
...only to be interrupted by a laugh escaping James.
It wasn't a kind or polite laugh of one laughing at a joke made by another person. It was the kind of laugh that one would give when finding the irony of the hand that life had dealt him; a cynical sound that made Sirius wince.
"You're...you're so naïve..." James managed to say in-between chuckles.
Sirius' eyes narrowed further at this. "And you're cynical," he countered before looking behind James to get a glance at Neil. "Hey, O'Connor?"
"What?" asked Neil carefully.
"What if I told you James here" --he moved his wand slightly to indicate the now-quiet James-- "was the son of a maniac wizard bent on taking over and-or killing everyone that opposes him?"
Neil looked from James to Sirius. "I'd ask why you aren't in a nuthouse."
Sirius looked back to James pointedly. "I rest my case."
James looked away at this. "...I can't, Sirius. I'm sorry--"
"Sorry!" shouted Sirius in disbelief. "Tell that to Remus and Peter! I've told them that I managed to track you down and was trying to contact you! You would disappoint them by having me go back and say, 'Oh, James doesn't want to come back because he's too much of a flobberworm to come out of the hole he made in the ground'?"
James glared at him. "Guilt trip, Sirius?"
"You're testing my patience--" Sirius warned before he stopped as James grabbed his wand and lowered it.
James continued to watch him carefully, no longer glaring. "...I'll decide. I'll decide, all right?" he said, noting how Sirius' face was still tight in anger and frustration. "I...I can't be forced into this, Sirius."
A long pause followed those words.
"...all right," Sirius finally said. "All right, fine. Have it your way then." He jerked his wand from James' grip and swiftly tucked it into his robes before facing his old friend with fiercely determined blue eyes. "But if you think for an instant that I'll give up on you, James William Potter, you will be sorely mistaken. Got that?"
James merely nodded.
"Now..." said Sirius, looking back over to Neil. "About the Muggle--"
"Just leave him alone, Sirius," said James with a weary sigh. "He won't say anything, will you, Neil?"
Neil snorted. "I'll say this much: I really don't do well in enclosed spaces."
Sirius, however, continued to watch him uncertainly. "Right," he said finally, looking to James again. "Well, I ought to be going now." He turned to go without so much as a farewell.
James sighed and also turned away to head to his room to think when he heard Sirius' voice call, "Oh and, James?" James turned to see Sirius near the door, the serious look never falling. "Contact me when you've decided. You remember how, right?"
As soon as James nodded, Sirius gave a nod and then, with a crack, disappeared without a trace.
"...interesting friend," said Neil after a long pause in which James decided the armchair would be a better thinking place.
"You should meet Remus," he said as he rubbed his temples.
"Oh, Why's that?"
"He's a werewolf."
"Uh huh..." said Neil with a nod. "Now...about what you were saying about magic...?"
Proving what James was beginning to believe about Father Time, time chose to speed up after his last visit from Sirius. Each day, James thought about what was said between the two of them, and each day, James had to wonder what kept Sirius coming for him.
Hadn't he hurt him enough to where he would just want to give up on him? Hadn't they fought enough the past few times they had met to where he would be sick of waiting for James to come back? What kept Sirius going?
None of these questions, of course, could be answered by himself. Only Sirius could answer them; so though they remained a mystery, James would always turn his thoughts to to the matter at hand.
The decision of fighting against Voldemort and risking the lives of his friends or staying out of the fight and allowing his friends to be in danger with the threat of Voldemort taking over all of the Wizarding World...starting with Britain and moving on into Europe.
...why do such decisions involve so much soul-searching and moral debates?
"Hey, James," called Jess, bringing James away from his thoughts, "why are the books still in the boxes? James?"
"What?" he asked, confused for a moment before realizing what she was talking about. "Oh, er...sorry. I'll get on it--"
"Don't bother," she said impatiently as she went over to the boxes and opened one before pulling out some books. "What's up with you lately?"
Same old question.
"...nothing," said James with a sigh. "Nothing I can't handle. Don't worry about it--"
The sound of the bell on the door ringing with the entrance of a person stopped him from continuing. Jess leaned out of the back room to see who had come in and then said as she leaned back in, "New customer. You take it. I'll shelve."
"Okay..." James agreed, standing and brushing his pants off. "Just watch out for the far corner."
He exited the backroom while taking off his glasses to rub his eyes a bit, heading toward the counter where the customer was waiting. Once he got behind the counter, he looked up at the blurry form of a woman before placing his glasses back onto his nose and then saying, "Hi, can I--"
"Ah ha!" the woman cried in a British accent, pointed a finger between his eyes. He crossed his eyes to look at the offending finger which seemed to remind him of the position Sirius had had him in a couple of months ago. "It is you!"
The woman crowed happily, taking her finger away from James' face to throw a fist into the air triumphantly. "I've beaten him! Yes!"
James stared at the blonde woman as if she were in need of mental help. "Er..." he managed to say before the woman's hand was in his face again, this time in the form of a hand waiting to be shook.
"Arabella Figg," she said, introducing herself. "Don't think we've ever really met" --she pulled her hand out of his face before he could shake it-- "which makes me wonder why I've been trying to find you."
James' brow furrowed uncertainly until it clicked. "Lily's friend?" he asked and when he got an affirmative, swore to himself. "Oh, this is terrific! Now I have both you and Sirius jumping my case about coming back!"
"What?" shouted Arabella, outraged. "That damned--oh! He told us that--"
"Whatever," said James harshly, moving away from behind the counter. "What do you want?"
Arabella stared at him before narrowing her eyes at him. "I don't want anything other than you coming back to apologize to Lily!"
James snorted. "I'll send her a letter," he said, moving toward the door.
Arabella gaped at him in disbelief. "You bastard!" she exclaimed before rushing to catch up with him. "How can you say that?"
"Easily," he said coolly, still trying to get away from her as he opened the door. "Jess, I'm taking off!"
"Ouch!" shouted Jess from the back room. "What now?"
"Annoying customer!" he shouted back before turning to look to Arabella and then exiting the shop.
"Of all the--" The blonde woman exited the shop right behind him, dogging his steps. She then got beside him and started to speak in a mad rush in a heavy Irish accent, "O', James Potter, Ya bin askin' for it now, ya 'ave!"
"Just leave me alone!" Why wouldn't this blasted witch get the idea?
But she still ignored him and continued, "I canna jus' belie'e ya can jus' shu' us ou' like tha'! Ya incorrigible, insufferable--!"
James spun toward her, stopping suddenly. "Will you stop yelling at me! You don't even know me!"
She glared defiantly back at him. "Bu' I 'ave 'eard 'bout ya, I 'ave! An from wha' I bin tol', I 'ad though' ya woul' 'ave bin a nicer fella!"
"I'm only 'nice' to people who know what they're talking about," James gritted out in anger, frustration, and annoyance. When it seemed like she wasn't going to say anything more, he turned and continued his way back to his apartment.
"...you're so cold," he heard her say in a regular, non-distinct British accent. "Just like at the beginning of Seventh Year..."
"Let's just say I grew up," he called back to her without turning around.
"You didn't grow up, James Potter! You grew cold!"
He froze. That did it.
He spun to her and marched back to her. She retreated a step as he came, obviously aware that she had indeed pushed a button.
"You," he said to her when he stopped right in front of her, pointing a finger into her face, "don't know what you're talking about. You don't understand--no one does! No one ever understood! They always assumed they knew, but they didn't!" He then lowered his hand and looked away. "Only--"
"Only Lily, right?" she asked, but he didn't answer. "...I'm sorry..."
He looked to her, suspicious. "What are you apologizing for?"
"For assuming," she said simply. "I was told...that I shouldn't ever assume things about people."
Silence came...and for some reason, the winter day seemed a lot more colder and darker. James looked up at the sky line and noticed that the sun was setting. "I need to get going," he said without preamble.
He turned to go once more, this time trying to escape the dark and the cold rather than another person.
"James," called Arabella, stopped him once more. "Lily wanted me to give you a message if I ever saw you."
"...what is it?"
There was a sigh from Arabella's direction. "She told me to remind you of something you told her. 'When the winter comes, the air chills.';" She paused before continuing, "Her reply is: 'Though the cold is harsh, warmth can be found.'"
James was quiet for a moment. "...thank you, Arabella." He started off once more.
"I hope you do come back, James!" she called from her place behind him. "Your friends really miss you!"
There was a loud crack, and when James turned around, she was gone.
"...I just need..." he murmured, more to the two people that had found him than to himself, "...time..."
"You look glum."
James gave Jess a sour look ."Thanks for the information."
"Well, cheer up," said Jess as she sat on a box to dig through another one. "It's the holiday season."
"Don't remind me," muttered James as he leaned back into his seat.
The two of them were yet again in the back room of the book shop, supposedly 'working.' It was only a day after Arabella had come into the shop, but it had felt much longer than that.
Jess looked to James, who looked absolutely miserable. His face was pale, his upper-body was encased in a heavy winter's coat, and he constantly wore a frown. It also looked as if he was getting the flu or a cold, from what his glassy eyes and red nose indicated.
Shaking her head, she merely said as she turned back to her work, "I hope you work out whatever's troubling you, James. No one should be so sad for so long."
James didn't reply to that, but asked instead after a moment's pause, "Jess?"
"Hm?"
He shifted slightly, letting out a muffled cough-like sound. "...I once...read a poem," he said carefully, "but...I can only remember two lines...if I could remember what the poem was about--"
Jess sat up and watched him intently. Now this she could help with. "I can help. Come on."
For a moment, James wondered if this was a good idea but then said, "'When the winter comes, the air chills' and 'Though the cold is harsh, warmth can be found.'"
Jess pondered over the two lines for a moment and James thought that she might not even have gotten it when she said, "Sounds like the first part is from a different stanza than the one the second one is in--"
"But what," interrupted James quickly, "can the second part mean?"
"Well..." replied Jess slowly, "how does a couple find warmth in the cold winter?"
James gave her a pointed look before observing his present state. "I don't know."
Jess smirked. "By being in each other's arms." She paused to see if James would say anything, but there was nothing to say. He just sank into his seat more. "Close to each other in more than one sense."
"I see..." he murmured, his chin on his chest as he closed his eyes to think about the time when he had said those words. That time in the library...Seventh Year...the reason he and Sirius had had that row... "Thanks, Jess."
"No problem."
It was easy for her to say that, wasn't it? Easy for her to say that it was no problem to choose whether or not she was going to tell him what it meant...
He wished it could have been that easy for him as well...
Author's Notes: This wasn't even as long as Chapter Five! I'm disappointed in myself! Don't worry though. The next chapter (which WILL be out SOON!) should be longer and much better ^.^" Okay, time for the responses!
From Chapter 13 (aka Author's Apologies II)
MonkeyGurl1: Here's more! ^.^"
CassieOwls: Um, well...I tried getting it out as soon as I could. Is this soon enough? *sheepish grin*
Itnikki: Oh, good ^.^" I felt really stupid for doing that, I'm telling you, I was really upset. ^.^" Anyway, here's Chapter Twelve! Hope you like it! Oh! And I like your name, BTW. ^.^"
welshlili: ^.^" You know I couldn't help that joke ^.^" I appreciate you reading and saying it's the best, but I swear, it isn't that great ^.^" Shoot, I hate this chapter so badly *gags* It's horrible! That's why I'm going to get the next chapter out ASAP. ^.^" Glad you like this fic though!
Y. Kuang: *almost starts to bow again but stops* Eh...need to break that habit ^.^" But I still love your fics so much...need to read the updates you have...^.^" *snickers* A spare set of notes? Moi? You are crazy ^.^" Oh, I do that too! I have a lot of pages with nothing but dialogue and notes and stuff, but no one thinking I'm crazy...except when I tell them about my Cowboy Bebop fic...160+ pages of nothing but dialogue O.o Okay...I think I need my rubber room again...Oh! I like that simile! *writes it down* Mind if I use it at one point or another? ^.^" Oh, that's how I get most of my ideas...dreams, I mean. Actually, I'm half-asleep, half-awake when my ideas come ^.^" And don't worry, Lily will be back in Chapter...*looks at list* erm...Fourteen or Fifteen....so two to three chapters away from seeing Lily again. No worries! ^.^" Lol. Well, I expect a long review this time! Ja! ^.~!
Pristine: ^.^" And you told me to get a grip...actually, I think that's not the case with this fic. Some people leave it :P Just kidding...they usually come back...usually -.-' Wait you didn't review Chapter Ten *runs to look* Well, so you didn't...^.^" Well, I like the fact that you think it was unexpected ^.^" I'm so glad it turned out so well. I thought people would be throwing tomatoes at me for the over-used plot-line (though in my fic, it's a twist ^.^"). You read all three of those chapters when you got home? Jeez...those are my longest chapters...hope I didn't keep you up late. Lol. Some people accuse me of doing that ^.^" Well, I hop you found this chapter to be worth the wait, and if not, well...I have Chapter Thirteen ready to be typed up at any moment. Maybe Wednesday after swim practice I'll work on getting it up ^.^" Thanks for the review! Ja! ^.~!
Chapter Twelve (aka Chapter Eleven: Years Past)
Kel6: ^.^" Glad you came back to review. Bah...if those two got together so quickly then this story would just be boring. ^.^" Yes, I did adapt it a bit, but it worked PERFECTLY. ^.^" I was so happy about that. ^.^" James being a git in Fifth Year helped a bit too. Who woulda thought? ^.^" I actually thought James running what kind of cliché, but whatever you think ^.^" Thanks for reviewing! I hope you come back to read this chapter!
lena-jade: ^.^" I don't know what questions your asking, but I hope some of the future chapters help answer it! ^.^" Glad that you read it!
Leigh: Well, I hope this is a soon enough update ^.^" Thanks for the review!
crystal-blue: Wow...you found this fic on someone's favorites list? ^.^" Now there's something that makes me smile real big. I'm glad you enjoyed it so much!
tv-fan-06: ^.^" Continuing!
Reluxi: O.o How could you NOT tell? Lol, I have a SW short story in my author's profile, dude. ^.^" I'll try not to pull a JKR...how 'bout it take me another half-year to finish? I think that's how it's gonna be like anyway. Only... *counts* ...nine?! Nine more chapters?! Someone help me do some math! *recounts* ...yep...nine more...-.-' Bloody hell...*sighs* Oh, well...Lol. I know what you mean about the hair thing. I have a crush on a guy who does that...it gets annoying when he does it though...-.-' ^.^" I liked writing the little girl! She was fun to write! ^.^" And I think you'd like the Muggle-wizard interaction in this chapter as well if you liked "Do all owls carry letters?" ^.^" Yes, James answered that question with little to no hesitation. ^.^" Ah. Sirius has his way of finding people he wants to find...though it can take up to two years. ^.^" Of course James is going to go back...it wil just take him a bit of time to get there ^.^" Hope you didn't get tired of waiting! Ja! ^.~!
Parselmouth Majere: ^.^" Glad you liked that! Hope you came to read this chapter as well! Sorry for the wait!
Gah...I should be shot for letting ya'll wait so long -.-' But I PROMISE that Chapter Thirteen will be out SOON! Meaning THIS WEEK! If it isn't, you have my permission to gather an angry mob and attack me at my house ^.^"
Anyway, that's all for now! Ja ne! ^.~!