The next day I was back at the hospital when Jamie woke up. Seeing
her there, still as beautiful as ever, and knowing that she was carrying my
two wonderful children, I was filled with torn feelings. On one hand I was
furious at Jamie for not listening to me, for not telling me about the
twins, for not taking better care of herself and for letting this happen.
On the other hand I was furious at myself for not taking better care of
her, for not forcing her to listen, for not being a better, more loving
husband. But, for a while at least, I had to put all of that behind me and
talk to the woman I loved more than anything.
"Hey baby."
"Mmm...hey. Did you sleep here all night?"
"No, I went home for a few hours. You don't mind do you?"
"Of course not. I'm glad you got some rest too. Well, the doctors tell em that I should be bale to go home soon- tomorrow if I want to."
"Jamie, I think you should stay here for a few more days, maybe even a week- make sure you're ok and make sure that you've had enough rest and everything."
"Carter! We've had this conversation a million times! I'm not going to spend all of my remaining time here on earth stuck in a hospital bed, surrounded by machines and doctors and diagnoses. I won't do it- I'm going home!"
"NO YOU'RE NOT!"
I watched my wife, the woman I loved, my angel, flinch at my yells, and it just about broke my heart. But I had let her go home early before, let her brush me off before, and here she was- in the hospital again.
"I just- I'm sorry Jamie. I didn't mean to yell. Its just that you need to rest! Really rest. The kind of rest you can't get at home- I mean, in between your dad and church and the twins and you thinking you have to be an ideal housewife its putting too much strain on you and its taking you away from me even faster than you have to be taken away from me."
"Carter, I'm fine. I mean, church and my dad and the house and the twin- wait. Did you just say 'twins'?"
"Yeah."
"How-How did you know? I mean, how did you find out? I mean-"
"You mean who told me? Dr. Raditch. He told me when he told me about your injuries. But my question is- Jamie, why didn't you tell me?"
"Landon...come here."
Jamie patted the space on the bed next to her and I sat down, taking her hand in mine and looking at her, waiting for my answer.
"Landon... there is a reason I didn't tell you. And I'm really sorry I didn't. I should have and it was wrong of me not to. Can you forgive me?"
"Of course I can, baby. But you're still not answering my question."
"Right. Why didn't I tell you? Landon...I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure how you'd react, and what you'd want to do."
"Jamie, what do you mean?"
"I mean...Landon; the truth is that these babies are going to have a big effect on me, on my body...on my life. And I wasn't sure you'd want them."
"Not want them? Jamie...I want them more than I want anything in the world."
"Even more...even more than you want me?"
I looked down at my wife and saw the tears glistening in her eyes, and I tried my hardest not to burst in to tears as well. I knew what she meant- she wasn't trying to be mean or sarcastic or trying to give me an ultimatum. She was stating fact- a fact that was as heartbreaking as any other fact. Jamie having these babies meant that, chances are, Jamie would die even faster than she already was. Having these babies- these miracle babies- would take My Angel away from me much more quickly. And so Jamie was trying to offer me a choice- a quick, easy, guilt free choice- her or the twins. My Angel or My Miracles?
"Hey baby."
"Mmm...hey. Did you sleep here all night?"
"No, I went home for a few hours. You don't mind do you?"
"Of course not. I'm glad you got some rest too. Well, the doctors tell em that I should be bale to go home soon- tomorrow if I want to."
"Jamie, I think you should stay here for a few more days, maybe even a week- make sure you're ok and make sure that you've had enough rest and everything."
"Carter! We've had this conversation a million times! I'm not going to spend all of my remaining time here on earth stuck in a hospital bed, surrounded by machines and doctors and diagnoses. I won't do it- I'm going home!"
"NO YOU'RE NOT!"
I watched my wife, the woman I loved, my angel, flinch at my yells, and it just about broke my heart. But I had let her go home early before, let her brush me off before, and here she was- in the hospital again.
"I just- I'm sorry Jamie. I didn't mean to yell. Its just that you need to rest! Really rest. The kind of rest you can't get at home- I mean, in between your dad and church and the twins and you thinking you have to be an ideal housewife its putting too much strain on you and its taking you away from me even faster than you have to be taken away from me."
"Carter, I'm fine. I mean, church and my dad and the house and the twin- wait. Did you just say 'twins'?"
"Yeah."
"How-How did you know? I mean, how did you find out? I mean-"
"You mean who told me? Dr. Raditch. He told me when he told me about your injuries. But my question is- Jamie, why didn't you tell me?"
"Landon...come here."
Jamie patted the space on the bed next to her and I sat down, taking her hand in mine and looking at her, waiting for my answer.
"Landon... there is a reason I didn't tell you. And I'm really sorry I didn't. I should have and it was wrong of me not to. Can you forgive me?"
"Of course I can, baby. But you're still not answering my question."
"Right. Why didn't I tell you? Landon...I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure how you'd react, and what you'd want to do."
"Jamie, what do you mean?"
"I mean...Landon; the truth is that these babies are going to have a big effect on me, on my body...on my life. And I wasn't sure you'd want them."
"Not want them? Jamie...I want them more than I want anything in the world."
"Even more...even more than you want me?"
I looked down at my wife and saw the tears glistening in her eyes, and I tried my hardest not to burst in to tears as well. I knew what she meant- she wasn't trying to be mean or sarcastic or trying to give me an ultimatum. She was stating fact- a fact that was as heartbreaking as any other fact. Jamie having these babies meant that, chances are, Jamie would die even faster than she already was. Having these babies- these miracle babies- would take My Angel away from me much more quickly. And so Jamie was trying to offer me a choice- a quick, easy, guilt free choice- her or the twins. My Angel or My Miracles?