Disclaimer: I do not own the movie "Cheaters." I do not own the Arby's oven mitt mascot. I do not own the book "Princess Diaries." I do not own George Bush, I do not own Enrique Englesias's mole, I do not own the lyrics to "It's about Time" by Lillix, nor dor I own Lillix. Ah hem. [clears throat] I feel like there's something I'm missing. [ponders] Oh yeah! And I do not own Mary Tyler Moore's Mule Farm in Hawaii, Maryland. ==
Ron stared at Hermione. Hermione stared at Ron. Then there was an explosion of japanese fireworks and catchy mexican music, as the two groped each other and ate at each other's faces. They were in love.
"Oh, Ron! How I love you so!" Hermione cried out, her tongue being yanked out of her mouth.
"Oh, Hernia!" Ron exclaimed, grabbing at his own weenie and rubbing his own thighs.
"I want to tell the world!" Hermione roared, suddenly leaping up from the couch. She did a happy boogie, and started to strip. Ron watched happily.
"Yes, I know, my dearest. Let us tell all our acquaintances." Hermione nodded, and now began to tug at her pants, which were being rather stubborn, and not wanting to come off. Ron giggled.
Finally, she ripped them out from under her legs, and fell backwards onto her cat, Crookshanks. It spat at her and hissed, and raced up Ron's leg, trying to get away from the mad woman. Ron screamed in pain.
"Agyagayh!"
Hermione raced over to try to help Ron, and tried pulling Crookshanks away. She accidentally fell onto Ron, though.
"Gerrof me, you dumb animal!" Ron cried out, still pushing at the cat. Hermione's eyes began to water, and she climbed off Ron.
"I was only trying to help. Fine. Don't expect any more lap dances from me." And with that, she gathered up her pants and left. Ron stared after her. He frowned.
"I meant the cat." But it was too late, Hermione was already halfway down the hall.
It was Potion's Class, and Snape was passing out goblets of sperm pellets. Ron took his goblet reluctantly, and stared inside.
"Sperm pellets? What in the name of Lucifer is that?" Snape turned from passing out a goblet and growled.
"You shall find out, Mr.Weasley. Let me first continue passing out. And when I am through I shall happily explain." And with a silent but deadly fart, Snape turned back to his work. Ron pouted.
"Your ass just burped, you greasy queer." He whispered ever so quietly, but Snape heard.
"Mr.Weasley! If you offend my hiney once more, you shall report straight to detention!" And he passed out the last of the sperm pellets, and did several swift ballet leaps up to the front of the room, dancing to imaginary music that only he could hear.
"Now class," He began, doing a graceful twirl. "Today we shall have our first real lesson on babies." He pointed at Harry, and smiled. "You, Mr.Potter, would you like to demonstrate? Come up here." Harry had no choice. He shuffled up beside Snape, holding his noise at the awful ass burps that kept escaping.
"My dearest lad, Harry. Please pick up a sperm pellet, and grasp it firmly in your hand." Harry did as he was told. Snape nodded.
"Your first lesson on babies. Where do babies come from? Since I am the teacher, here. It is my job to explain." And he cleared his throat. Harry was still staring at the gray lump of what looked like a moldy candy bar in his hand.
"First off, it is the males that give birth." Several gasps were heard.
"I knew it!" Ron shouted, jumping up from his seat and knocking his chair over. "I just knew it! I told dad I didn't need to hear the birds and the bees speech! And I knew that pregnancy test wasn't defected! I'm pregnant! I'm havin a baby!" He pumped his fist in the air. Snape blinked.
"Shut your cake hole you silly little boy. Let me continue." Snape did another high leap towards the board and began drawing diagrams.
"This, well, this is where the female sticks her goober." Many gasps and groans. "And this IS a goober." More gasps, some shrieks. The goober Snape had drawn looked like a crooked tree branch. But he seemed quite happy with his artistic ability. "And next, the female fertilizes the male using this.." He said between clenched teeth, as he hauled a heavy bag of Miracle Gro onto his desk. Harry and Ron exchanged glances.
"Are you sure, Professor? I mean, I never heard of using cow shit to"- Ron was cut off.
"Don't you EVER question my knowledge, boy! This is the way my parents, and their parents, and your parents have done it for centuries! Why, I do believe that Adam and Eve started the trend." Snape walked over, stamped Ron's foot, and proceeded back up to the front.
"Anyway, before I was so very extremely rudely interrupted." He pointed at another drawing on the board. "This is where the baby grows." It was a sketch of a large, salted pretzel. Oo
Harry stared at it, then looked down at the sperm pellet in his hand. "This is all very interesting, Professor. But why did you call me up here? I've been holding this thing in my hand, and it's starting to melt." Snape narrowed his eyes, and walked towards Harry.
"Nonsense, my boy. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand." Harry blinked.
"Okay? So what do I do with it?"
"Everyone please pick up your sperm pellets." Snape ordered. "This is where our assignment begins. First off, is the whole baby making process clear to you all? I must know before we begin."
"I don't get the part about the pretzel." Neville Longbottom said quietly, stroking his sperm pellet. Snape pretended he hadn't heard him.
"No? Everyone understand? Good. Our assignment for the rest of the week is to mother and father these precious pellets. As is they were our own. I shall partner you up with someone you hate, cough I mean, someone you haven't ever had the chance to talk to before."
"We have to take care of THESE things? Like they were babies?" Ron cried out, throwing his to the desk. It hit the desk with a "Cruck" and poisonous gas escaped from the cracked pellet and killed him.
"This is why it is important to love it, and take care of it with the utmost care." Snape explained, kicking at Ron's dead body.
"PARTNERS!" he announced suddenly, making many students jump. Harry stared at Ron, and went to sit back down.
"Poo. I wanted to partner with him." Harry whined, crossing his arms over his chest. Snape sneered.
"Humph. Well you don't always, get, what chu waaant!" Snape sang, shaking his booty. Harry pouted.
"Okay, let's see here. Hermione Granger will act as the mother and..." He ran his finger down an invisible list. Then he checked something off with an invisible quill. "..and Neville Longbottom as the father. Good luck!" Hermione pouted as Neville waved.
"Next up we have...Ron's dead carcass acting as the father, and .." He pondered for a moment. "..and Pansy Parkinson acting as the mother." Pansy frowned.
"I'm partnered with a pregnant dead guy? And like, married to one?" Snape ignored her, and went down the invisible list again.
"Next up we have Harry Potter as the father, and...well, since there are no more females,"- Even though there were actually like 30 left- "I shall just have to partner you up with, as the mother, Draco Malfoy."
Harry jumped from his seat. "No! You can't make me! Draco pokes fun at me! And even if I were gay, which I'm not, starts to sweat thinks of Fred in a pair of tight butt length gym shorts I would never ever even think about marrying HIM!" And he pointed a shaking finger at Draco. Draco laughed and smiled, waving with his elbow. Harry gulped.
"I am the one choosing the marriages! All you and Mr.Malfoy need to care about is this sperm pellet! It is your life! Your grade! Your only important aspect EVER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!"
And then after class was over, Snape insisted that they stay and watch his ballet moves. Harry clutched his goober in pain as Snape did a perfect split on the floor.
A/N: Hoorah! [clutches her bosom in excitement] lol I was sooOOooOOoo completely bouncing off the walls when I got those reviews and all! Those were so great, guys! I'm glad I have some loyal fans who check back ever so often to see if I have written some more of my gay little fic. I feel so loved! [hugs you all] Time for da individual thank you's! clears throat Thanks to:
Weasley Wonders. I love you, homie! You are almost ALWAYS one of the ones I get a review from. I'm so glad you like the story, and you are so supportive. If you like this one, go look at some of my other fics I wrote. Also thanks to:
Renny! Hey girl you know I love ya like a fat kid loves cake! Glad you could relate about the whole mom reading my fic problem. Also glad you like my fic, and I wanted you to know that I love yours too! It's so funny! Last but not least, thanks to:
Thorn! Girl, you da bomb! You my daddy, dawg! Fo schnizzle mah nizzle! I have no clue what I'm sayin! But anyways, it was so funny that you were like, beggin me to write more! I love ya! You my peep, sup!
Thanks to you all. I'm hopin to get more reviews though next time. Only 3 people! That's sad. [sniffle] Whelp, til the next chappie. Byez!..Julie
Ron stared at Hermione. Hermione stared at Ron. Then there was an explosion of japanese fireworks and catchy mexican music, as the two groped each other and ate at each other's faces. They were in love.
"Oh, Ron! How I love you so!" Hermione cried out, her tongue being yanked out of her mouth.
"Oh, Hernia!" Ron exclaimed, grabbing at his own weenie and rubbing his own thighs.
"I want to tell the world!" Hermione roared, suddenly leaping up from the couch. She did a happy boogie, and started to strip. Ron watched happily.
"Yes, I know, my dearest. Let us tell all our acquaintances." Hermione nodded, and now began to tug at her pants, which were being rather stubborn, and not wanting to come off. Ron giggled.
Finally, she ripped them out from under her legs, and fell backwards onto her cat, Crookshanks. It spat at her and hissed, and raced up Ron's leg, trying to get away from the mad woman. Ron screamed in pain.
"Agyagayh!"
Hermione raced over to try to help Ron, and tried pulling Crookshanks away. She accidentally fell onto Ron, though.
"Gerrof me, you dumb animal!" Ron cried out, still pushing at the cat. Hermione's eyes began to water, and she climbed off Ron.
"I was only trying to help. Fine. Don't expect any more lap dances from me." And with that, she gathered up her pants and left. Ron stared after her. He frowned.
"I meant the cat." But it was too late, Hermione was already halfway down the hall.
It was Potion's Class, and Snape was passing out goblets of sperm pellets. Ron took his goblet reluctantly, and stared inside.
"Sperm pellets? What in the name of Lucifer is that?" Snape turned from passing out a goblet and growled.
"You shall find out, Mr.Weasley. Let me first continue passing out. And when I am through I shall happily explain." And with a silent but deadly fart, Snape turned back to his work. Ron pouted.
"Your ass just burped, you greasy queer." He whispered ever so quietly, but Snape heard.
"Mr.Weasley! If you offend my hiney once more, you shall report straight to detention!" And he passed out the last of the sperm pellets, and did several swift ballet leaps up to the front of the room, dancing to imaginary music that only he could hear.
"Now class," He began, doing a graceful twirl. "Today we shall have our first real lesson on babies." He pointed at Harry, and smiled. "You, Mr.Potter, would you like to demonstrate? Come up here." Harry had no choice. He shuffled up beside Snape, holding his noise at the awful ass burps that kept escaping.
"My dearest lad, Harry. Please pick up a sperm pellet, and grasp it firmly in your hand." Harry did as he was told. Snape nodded.
"Your first lesson on babies. Where do babies come from? Since I am the teacher, here. It is my job to explain." And he cleared his throat. Harry was still staring at the gray lump of what looked like a moldy candy bar in his hand.
"First off, it is the males that give birth." Several gasps were heard.
"I knew it!" Ron shouted, jumping up from his seat and knocking his chair over. "I just knew it! I told dad I didn't need to hear the birds and the bees speech! And I knew that pregnancy test wasn't defected! I'm pregnant! I'm havin a baby!" He pumped his fist in the air. Snape blinked.
"Shut your cake hole you silly little boy. Let me continue." Snape did another high leap towards the board and began drawing diagrams.
"This, well, this is where the female sticks her goober." Many gasps and groans. "And this IS a goober." More gasps, some shrieks. The goober Snape had drawn looked like a crooked tree branch. But he seemed quite happy with his artistic ability. "And next, the female fertilizes the male using this.." He said between clenched teeth, as he hauled a heavy bag of Miracle Gro onto his desk. Harry and Ron exchanged glances.
"Are you sure, Professor? I mean, I never heard of using cow shit to"- Ron was cut off.
"Don't you EVER question my knowledge, boy! This is the way my parents, and their parents, and your parents have done it for centuries! Why, I do believe that Adam and Eve started the trend." Snape walked over, stamped Ron's foot, and proceeded back up to the front.
"Anyway, before I was so very extremely rudely interrupted." He pointed at another drawing on the board. "This is where the baby grows." It was a sketch of a large, salted pretzel. Oo
Harry stared at it, then looked down at the sperm pellet in his hand. "This is all very interesting, Professor. But why did you call me up here? I've been holding this thing in my hand, and it's starting to melt." Snape narrowed his eyes, and walked towards Harry.
"Nonsense, my boy. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand." Harry blinked.
"Okay? So what do I do with it?"
"Everyone please pick up your sperm pellets." Snape ordered. "This is where our assignment begins. First off, is the whole baby making process clear to you all? I must know before we begin."
"I don't get the part about the pretzel." Neville Longbottom said quietly, stroking his sperm pellet. Snape pretended he hadn't heard him.
"No? Everyone understand? Good. Our assignment for the rest of the week is to mother and father these precious pellets. As is they were our own. I shall partner you up with someone you hate, cough I mean, someone you haven't ever had the chance to talk to before."
"We have to take care of THESE things? Like they were babies?" Ron cried out, throwing his to the desk. It hit the desk with a "Cruck" and poisonous gas escaped from the cracked pellet and killed him.
"This is why it is important to love it, and take care of it with the utmost care." Snape explained, kicking at Ron's dead body.
"PARTNERS!" he announced suddenly, making many students jump. Harry stared at Ron, and went to sit back down.
"Poo. I wanted to partner with him." Harry whined, crossing his arms over his chest. Snape sneered.
"Humph. Well you don't always, get, what chu waaant!" Snape sang, shaking his booty. Harry pouted.
"Okay, let's see here. Hermione Granger will act as the mother and..." He ran his finger down an invisible list. Then he checked something off with an invisible quill. "..and Neville Longbottom as the father. Good luck!" Hermione pouted as Neville waved.
"Next up we have...Ron's dead carcass acting as the father, and .." He pondered for a moment. "..and Pansy Parkinson acting as the mother." Pansy frowned.
"I'm partnered with a pregnant dead guy? And like, married to one?" Snape ignored her, and went down the invisible list again.
"Next up we have Harry Potter as the father, and...well, since there are no more females,"- Even though there were actually like 30 left- "I shall just have to partner you up with, as the mother, Draco Malfoy."
Harry jumped from his seat. "No! You can't make me! Draco pokes fun at me! And even if I were gay, which I'm not, starts to sweat thinks of Fred in a pair of tight butt length gym shorts I would never ever even think about marrying HIM!" And he pointed a shaking finger at Draco. Draco laughed and smiled, waving with his elbow. Harry gulped.
"I am the one choosing the marriages! All you and Mr.Malfoy need to care about is this sperm pellet! It is your life! Your grade! Your only important aspect EVER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!"
And then after class was over, Snape insisted that they stay and watch his ballet moves. Harry clutched his goober in pain as Snape did a perfect split on the floor.
A/N: Hoorah! [clutches her bosom in excitement] lol I was sooOOooOOoo completely bouncing off the walls when I got those reviews and all! Those were so great, guys! I'm glad I have some loyal fans who check back ever so often to see if I have written some more of my gay little fic. I feel so loved! [hugs you all] Time for da individual thank you's! clears throat Thanks to:
Weasley Wonders. I love you, homie! You are almost ALWAYS one of the ones I get a review from. I'm so glad you like the story, and you are so supportive. If you like this one, go look at some of my other fics I wrote. Also thanks to:
Renny! Hey girl you know I love ya like a fat kid loves cake! Glad you could relate about the whole mom reading my fic problem. Also glad you like my fic, and I wanted you to know that I love yours too! It's so funny! Last but not least, thanks to:
Thorn! Girl, you da bomb! You my daddy, dawg! Fo schnizzle mah nizzle! I have no clue what I'm sayin! But anyways, it was so funny that you were like, beggin me to write more! I love ya! You my peep, sup!
Thanks to you all. I'm hopin to get more reviews though next time. Only 3 people! That's sad. [sniffle] Whelp, til the next chappie. Byez!..Julie