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Chapter Fourteen – Healing Together
Dearest Ginny,
I receive the notice of your wedding ceremony with bitter happiness. I want to wish the two of you the best and send my love to bless your union. I regret that I was unable to attend and stand at your side at this momentous occasion. But you know I was there in spirit and will always be a part of this magical bond.
It has been two weeks since Severus woke up from the nightmare. Together, we are healing slowly. As I am sure you have read, Lucius is now in the custody of the Ministry and awaits trial for attempted murder and kidnapping. I am grateful to the Aurors that brought Lucius to justice. It is only a matter of time.
Severus and I have finally been released from the infirmary and are now residing in our quarters. We have taken down the locks and doors that separated the two spaces in order to have access to each other. It seems that we both need help at times, and are both too stubborn to admit it (Dumbledore was the force that took down the doors).
We have settled into a pattern of our own. We both read together and discuss potions in the morning. We've come to enjoy each others company, and I even look forward to these times. I have learned a lot about Severus's past and the decisions that he has made in his life. Lunch is brought to us by house elves and we dine together in silence. There have been a few occasions where we have been able to hold idle conversation during lunch (I really like those times). Severus is stubborn and clams up at times when he feels that I am intruding on his privacy. He went as far as ordering me to leave his quarters, and lamely tried to throw a book at me. But in his condition it only came across like a child throwing a fit.
Dumbledore believes that Severus and I talking is the key to our healing process. He feels that we have made a connection from this experience, and we need to understand each other in order to gain peace. I use the nights to tell Severus all about my fears and desires, and all the things that I used to keep secret. At times I feel like he will respond and say that he understands, but he looks at the ground as if he's embarrassed. I hope to open him up soon, and get an insight into this unusual and complicated man.
Thank you for sending a note of congratulations concerning the potion Severus and I completed. I am reading everyday about all of the progress it has made, and of all the people that are being healed. We are glad to have finally been able to help those suffering. It means so much to receive this note from you and Harry while you were on your honeymoon (you really shouldn't have taken the time). The Ministry is sending me many notes and contracts everyday, hoping to gain the rights to the potion. Severus is infuriated by their not so subtle attempt to take the glory and the profits from our work. I am under the same impression as Severus and am growing more agitated with the Ministry each day.
Well, I guess I should let you go and enjoy your newlywed status to the famous Boy-Who-Lived. I am sorry to ramble on for so long, but I feel a longing to see you soon. I love you dearly and will always hold you near to my heart.
Your Forever Friend,
Hermione Granger
**********
Hermione looked around the vast and empty room as she finished the long letter to Ginny. She always felt alone these days, and wanted to fill that gap. The only time Hermione was ever comforted was with Severus. She knew he held some part of her in him, and wanted to get it back. But he was always pushing away and trying to recover without her help.
Hermione sealed the letter to Ginny and summoned her owl to her to attach the tiny scroll. "Ginny Weasely-Potter; and be quick about it please." She gave him a small treat and shooed him out the window.
The night was approaching and Hermione began to gather a few books to read. She made her way to couch in front of the fire and settled in for the night. She sat looking at the first book with every intent to begin reading it, but only stared at the outside of its unimpressive cover. Her eyes began to glaze over as she started to become lost in thought. Her mind swirled with images of her life and Severus's. At times she couldn't remember who had experienced the actual event. It was becoming more and more difficult to understand the thoughts that were always present in her mind.
Suddenly, a presence was felt in the room and Hermione jumped slightly in her seat to turn towards the new person. Severus was standing behind her watching her every move. He seemed to be studying her.
"I did not mean to frighten you. I simply came to read with you. But if I am bothering you, I will leave."
Hermione wanted him to stay, "No, please stay. I enjoy having someone around."
"Thank you." Severus sat across from Hermione in a comfortable armchair that sat slightly to the left of the fire. He also carried with him a stack of books to read throughout the night. He always came to Hermione at night to read in her company. He longed to be with her and could not explain the need he had to be near her at times.
The two sat in silence and stared at random points in the room. Neither one was willing to voice the turmoil that was going on inside their mind, nor could they explain it on their own. It was a staggering silence that only frustrated Hermione even more.
"I cannot take this anymore. Severus we have to talk." Hermione looked directly into his eyes and waited for a response.
Severus only looked up to meet her gaze and nodded in a small agreement to her statement.
"Severus, I don't understand what I am going through, and I need your help. I am unable to be alone without thinking about the nightmare, and feeling like I'm missing apart of myself. But when I'm with you I start to feel complete. Why? I just want to know why?"
Severus never took away the gaze that Hermione held so intently and sighed deeply. "Hermione, I don't want to need you. I have been perfectly content to live my life without anyone in it up until this point. But now I am finding myself missing your presence, and even longing to have those annoyingly long potions debates with you.
Every night you tell me more and more about yourself; and I have come to realize that I have seen part of your life. I know part of your heart….and I don't want you to see my life."
Hermione stood from her seat and began to pace slowly in front of Severus. "Well that's to bad Severus. I have already seen part of your life. It's confusing me. I have flashes, and I can't remember who's memories they are. I am already a part of you just as much as you are a part of me. I don't know what I need, but I know I need something from you." Hermione stopped her pacing and turned to look at Severus. It was then that she saw a small tear seep from his right eye. He blinked and looked down to try and hide the show of emotion, but only made the tear slide down his cheek.
"Why are you hiding from me Severus?" Hermione moved to be in front of him, and dropped to her knees. In her new position she looked up to see a small stream of tears falling from his eyes.
Severus wiped the tears from his face and quickly put on a scowl to hide his indiscretion. He stood from the chair and took a few steps away from Hermione, leaving her on the ground.
"Get out."
"Severus, please don't do this."
"I said Get Out!!"
"Why are doing this? Why can't you just talk to me?"
Severus became angry and pushed a small side table over in his frustration. The piles of books that were on it flew across the floor. "Why do you do this to me?" He screamed at her in his rage and paced around the room with no goal to his movements.
"I don't understand Severus." Hermione remained on the ground and kept her voice calm.
"Don't you get it! I don't want you here! I don't want you in my life, my mind, my memories! I can't be dependent on you!" Severus finally stopped screaming and came to a stop in the middle of the room. He took a deep breath and turned to Hermione. He looked into her eyes and saw all of her emotions pour from her. He began to talk in a defeated tone, "I look at you and you see right through me. When you went into the nightmare I was insane with anger. I was willing to do anything to have you back in my life. I wanted to keep you here forever, and have you all to myself. I was selfish and not thinking about you during any of my madness. But while I waited for Lucius I felt your presence in my mind, and I knew that I was only wanting you back to please me. I can't destroy your life in order to have some kind of release from my lonely existence. If I open up to you, you'll stay. I know you, Hermione you will give up your life to help me." Severus stopped talking and noticed the tears that were silently streaming down Hermione's face. He did not know what to do; being uncomfortable dealing with other people's emotions. Severus began to fidget in place and look around for something to save him from this awkward situation.
"Please talk to me." Hermione was staring at him through blurred vision, pleading for some kind of peace. It was at that moment that Severus knew he had to talk to her. He was trying to save her from herself, and from his needs; but was only achieving her destruction.
"What do you want to know?" Severus walked over to Hermione and helped her up to sit on the couch. He sat next to her and prepared himself for the night. With that one simple question, Severus had begun the healing that they both needed.
The two talked for hours into the night. They both revealed the way they felt throughout the nightmare experience, and started to ask each other about the flashes that they had into the other's lives. Hermione began to get sleepy at some time and turned her back to Severus to lean on him. She rested her head on his shoulder and continued to talk to him with her eyes closed.
Severus heard Hermione begin to drift off to sleep and situated her more comfortably next to him on the couch. When she was no longer responding to his questions, he gently flicked his free hand to lower the lights in the room. Severus settled in for the night and watched Hermione breath deeply on his chest. She seemed to be peacefully sleeping and content in his presence. And he had to admit that he to felt home with her by his side.
TBC.