Disclaimer: I own D.A.R! He's my very own sex slave! And for those who don't know who that is, too bad for you all! [cough] Daniel Alan Radcliffe [cough] Dag-nabit! Did I just cough that outloud? I grant the most horrible of curses to my ability to cough hot guy's names! [pout]
Hermione was heading to Ron's funeral. She was in a long black shawl, and was wearing a "I miss you Weasley Boi" badge on her shirt. It would be held on the Quidditch field.
As soon as she reached the bleachers to take her seat, she spotted Ginny. Hermione waved shyly and walked over, taking a seat by her.
"Hey Gin. I'm so sorry about your brother." She said quietly, patting her on the arm. Ginny didn't look up; she was reading a magazine. Hermione narrowed her eyes.
"Ginny? Aren't you sad that Ron died?" But Ginny acted as if she hadn't heard her.
"Hermione! Did you know that if you hold a block of ice to your face for only four hours, that your cheeks will look considerably rosy?" She held the page out to Hermione, but Hermione shoved it away.
"Ginny!" Ginny shrugged and put the magazine away, now bringing out her Game Boy from nowhere. Hermione blinked slowly. Soon, an organ began playing, signaling the start of the service. Ginny kept playing, making crash and collision noises with her mouth.
Dumbledore approached the podium in the middle of the field, and cleared his throat. The whole crowd was silent. Then he began to sing in a high pitched voice that could break glass:
Ronald! Ronny! You died!
It was sad! We all cried!
Your hair was so orange!
Your body so tight!
I never even got to
Hump that ass all night!
You're friends with Harry!
And I must declarey!
That you quite resembled
The virgin Mary!
Ron is gone.
(chorus) Ron is gone! Dead! DEAD! Ha ha
Bye bye Ron! (repeats twenty-eight times)
After Dumbledore finished, he stepped away from the podium and handed the microphone to Professor Mcgonagal, who was holding her hands over her ears and crying. Then she regained composure and stepped forward.
"Students of Hogwarts, thank you all for coming. For paying your respect." There were only three people in the audience, but she failed to mention that.
"You may now come down here and look upon his body. And I'm going to go swab my ears, and get my hearing repaired." She stepped away and fled out of the stadium, screaming.
Hermione grabbed Ginny's arm ("Aw man, Herms! I was on the ninth level!") and lead her down to the coffin.
Ginny took one look at Ron, spat upon him, and walked away, her nose stuck back into her Game Boy. Hermione sighed, and stepped upto the coffin. She bent down to see him better.
Her eyes moistened as she saw him. He was in his best Sunday skirt, with his hair combed back, and his eyes closed. He looked quite peaceful.
"Oh Ron. If I could take back all that stuff I said. I'm so sorry! I loved you so much! I still do! We all miss you! Especially me!" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Then she heard a faint grunt.
She looked down and stopped crying. What was that? Ron was still lying with his eyes closed, and was lifeless. Then she heard a fart. Well, she mostly smelled it. She looked around. Nope, Snape was nowhere to be seen, so where had that fart come from?
Then she was sure this time, that she had saw Ron's pants form a tent. Actually, they were! She stared at it. Could dead guys do that?
"Ron?" She whispered, leaning into the coffin. It was completely quiet. There was no sound, just crickets chirping on the Quidditch lawn.
"Aghyagh!" She exclaimed, as suddenly a pair of hands grabbed her and she was pulled down into the coffin. She screamed and kicked.
"Help! Anyone! I'm getting shagged by a dead guy!" But no one heard her. Ron spoke up.
"Nope, you are getting shagged by a pretend-dead-guy-who-only-did-this-to-make-you-feel-sorry-for-him. Oops, did I just say that aloud?" Hermione stared at him, then grabbed his weenie and twisted it like a piece of taffy.
"You MUTHA EFIIN BASTARD! How could you? Why? You had me so worried, I- Oh what the fuck, let's shag baby, yeah!"
And Hermione gave her first real blow job to a pregnant dead guy in a dress inside a coffin on a Quidditch Field. It was so romantic, until Ginny walked by and "accidentally" knocked it over, sending the coffin rolling down the hill.
Hermione was heading to Ron's funeral. She was in a long black shawl, and was wearing a "I miss you Weasley Boi" badge on her shirt. It would be held on the Quidditch field.
As soon as she reached the bleachers to take her seat, she spotted Ginny. Hermione waved shyly and walked over, taking a seat by her.
"Hey Gin. I'm so sorry about your brother." She said quietly, patting her on the arm. Ginny didn't look up; she was reading a magazine. Hermione narrowed her eyes.
"Ginny? Aren't you sad that Ron died?" But Ginny acted as if she hadn't heard her.
"Hermione! Did you know that if you hold a block of ice to your face for only four hours, that your cheeks will look considerably rosy?" She held the page out to Hermione, but Hermione shoved it away.
"Ginny!" Ginny shrugged and put the magazine away, now bringing out her Game Boy from nowhere. Hermione blinked slowly. Soon, an organ began playing, signaling the start of the service. Ginny kept playing, making crash and collision noises with her mouth.
Dumbledore approached the podium in the middle of the field, and cleared his throat. The whole crowd was silent. Then he began to sing in a high pitched voice that could break glass:
Ronald! Ronny! You died!
It was sad! We all cried!
Your hair was so orange!
Your body so tight!
I never even got to
Hump that ass all night!
You're friends with Harry!
And I must declarey!
That you quite resembled
The virgin Mary!
Ron is gone.
(chorus) Ron is gone! Dead! DEAD! Ha ha
Bye bye Ron! (repeats twenty-eight times)
After Dumbledore finished, he stepped away from the podium and handed the microphone to Professor Mcgonagal, who was holding her hands over her ears and crying. Then she regained composure and stepped forward.
"Students of Hogwarts, thank you all for coming. For paying your respect." There were only three people in the audience, but she failed to mention that.
"You may now come down here and look upon his body. And I'm going to go swab my ears, and get my hearing repaired." She stepped away and fled out of the stadium, screaming.
Hermione grabbed Ginny's arm ("Aw man, Herms! I was on the ninth level!") and lead her down to the coffin.
Ginny took one look at Ron, spat upon him, and walked away, her nose stuck back into her Game Boy. Hermione sighed, and stepped upto the coffin. She bent down to see him better.
Her eyes moistened as she saw him. He was in his best Sunday skirt, with his hair combed back, and his eyes closed. He looked quite peaceful.
"Oh Ron. If I could take back all that stuff I said. I'm so sorry! I loved you so much! I still do! We all miss you! Especially me!" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Then she heard a faint grunt.
She looked down and stopped crying. What was that? Ron was still lying with his eyes closed, and was lifeless. Then she heard a fart. Well, she mostly smelled it. She looked around. Nope, Snape was nowhere to be seen, so where had that fart come from?
Then she was sure this time, that she had saw Ron's pants form a tent. Actually, they were! She stared at it. Could dead guys do that?
"Ron?" She whispered, leaning into the coffin. It was completely quiet. There was no sound, just crickets chirping on the Quidditch lawn.
"Aghyagh!" She exclaimed, as suddenly a pair of hands grabbed her and she was pulled down into the coffin. She screamed and kicked.
"Help! Anyone! I'm getting shagged by a dead guy!" But no one heard her. Ron spoke up.
"Nope, you are getting shagged by a pretend-dead-guy-who-only-did-this-to-make-you-feel-sorry-for-him. Oops, did I just say that aloud?" Hermione stared at him, then grabbed his weenie and twisted it like a piece of taffy.
"You MUTHA EFIIN BASTARD! How could you? Why? You had me so worried, I- Oh what the fuck, let's shag baby, yeah!"
And Hermione gave her first real blow job to a pregnant dead guy in a dress inside a coffin on a Quidditch Field. It was so romantic, until Ginny walked by and "accidentally" knocked it over, sending the coffin rolling down the hill.