Author's Note: This is my take on the season finale, and my very biased take on Rory's motives. Although focused on her, there's going to be a large helping of Luke/Lorelai on the side. This is my first Gilmore Girls fic, so reviews would be appreciated muchly! Lyrics here are from the Alkaline Trio.
Drowning myself is a game I play
Drown myself away
Drown myself away
Goodbye
Prologue: This is Getting Over You
Somewhere along the line she stopped seeing him. It stopped mattering who was above her. Everything melted away from her, leaving Rory alone with her thoughts.
This was how it was supposed to be. This was who it was supposed to be with. Yet somewhere in the back of her mind she was comparing. His kisses were too soft, his touches too gentle. While she was perfectly aware that this was the recipe for a picture perfect first time, the part of her brain she'd thought long dead was screaming in frustration. The part of her that hated being perfect, the part of her that did what she wanted instead of what she was supposed to. The part of her she had squashed last week when she'd uttered a single word: no.
Silent since then, it chose now to speak up.
Suddenly the hair beneath her fingers was too soft, too straight. The weight pressed against her body was too heavy. The chin against her throat wasn't smooth enough. Most of all, though, the voice that whispered her name was completely wrong.
Desperate to silence the doubts in her head, Rory forced herself to moan his name. It sounded wrong on her lips, the sounds too hard.
His pace was increasing now, but Rory was barely aware of him, even as he moved inside of her. Her knees pressed against his thighs, more out of reflex than any desire to press their bodies closer together. She had to suppress a bitter laugh at the realization that, although joined in the most intimate way possible, she had never felt more alone, more removed from everything. Bitterness quickly turned to anger, as she clung desperately to memories that soothed the longing.
"Stop Rory, just stop. I did not invite you up here; you came up here on your own!"
"Jess is gone."
"I think I may have loved you..."
"I love you."
No! Her brain screamed, trying to claw away from the memories.
"I wanted to see you, talk to you..."
"Come with me."
"We'll be together. It's what I want; it's what you want too!"
"You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can!"
"We're supposed to be together."
"Don't say no just to make me stop talking or to make me go away"
The memories washed over her, and Rory squeezed her eyes shut, fingers tightening against Dean's forearms. He was moving faster now, and she could feel something building within her. With each thrust another memory invaded her mind, increasing with the speed of Dean's movements. For a moment, the hair beneath her fingers was coarser, thicker, darker. For a split second it was a different voice that called out her name, and when everything felt ready burst, behind her eyes, all Rory could hear was his voice.
"Only say no if you really don't want to be with me."
Her world exploded then, and she tightened her knees and arms around the man above her and she cried out:
"Yes!"
Afterwards, in the rush to get dressed once she heard her mother's voice, Rory locked away all of those thoughts. She'd done what she was supposed to do. Her first time, with her first love, the one who loved her. This was how it was supposed to be.
There was no Jess; she wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Clinging desperately to the choices she had made, Rory had diligently dialed her cell phone. It wasn't until she heard Lindsay's voice on the other end that she broke down and wept. Wept because her choice had been wrong.
Dean wasn't hers, he was Lindsay's... and Jess wasn't hers either. For the first time in years, she had nothing. She'd given Dean the most precious thing she had and denied the person most precious to her.
And for that, Rory wept.
And this is getting over you
And this is getting over you
This is getting over you