In case you were curious… I don't own any of this - characters and whatnot - it belongs to J.K. Rowling
For the first time in weeks, a slight smile spread across the haunted face the young man currently lying in his bed. Harry Potter had just glanced at just glanced at his bedside clock and realized that in less than an hour it would not only be his birthday, but also time to put his well laid plan into action.
For the past few weeks, Harry had done little else than study the movements and actions of everything and everyone around Privet Drive, as well as study a certain map. This map was the key to everything. Thinking back he realized the sudden stroke of genius he had during the leaving feast at Hogwarts when he created a rather crude version of the Marauder's Map. While not showing names and exact locations, his map would show the approximate location of all people with a magical signature high enough to allow them to perform magic. Using this, he scouted out the area and learned of the Order's security watches, keeping an eye on him, and used that information to make a shaky schedule of who was on duty, when, and where they generally stationed themselves.
Watching him constantly only served to make Harry more bitter and distrustful towards Dumbledore; he knew that the headmaster had kept the prophecy from him for reasons he truly believed to be noble, but Harry thought otherwise, and was beginning to doubt that he was little more than a weapon, to be loaded and fired when the time was right. Well, loaded he was, he was living on a metaphorical high, caused from anger, sorrow, and self-loathing. For that; for the Order, mainly Dumbledore and Snape, to be the cause of these feelings, he needed to escape for this hell he was forced to call home.
It was not long until the clock digitally turned to twelve a.m. and he opened his window to receive his annual school letter and birthday presents from his friends. Not taking time to open them, he took all his necessities, cloak, wand, a few books, presents, and a few other odds and ends, threw them all in a ragged duffle bag he found in the closet, and strengthened his resolve. Donning his invisibility cloak, he stealthily made his way downstairs, careful to avoid the rickety few that would alert his relatives of his escape, and out the back door.
Once outside, he checked the map to get a better handle on Snape's location, and was rewarded with the knowledge that he was a few streets away, near Mrs. Figg's house. There was of course no lost love between Harry and Snape. The fact that the man hated Harry was obvious to anyone. This, and the fact that Harry still felt Snape could have done more to help him last year, not only with Occlumency, but also when he mentioned Sirius in front of Umbridge, drove him to decide to vanish on Snape's watch – hopefully he would take the blame for Harry's disappearance.
So it was, that he made his way through the Dursley's back & front yard, then down the street. Making quick time, Harry sped down the street, hoping to reach the city's small train station before his absence from Number 4 was noticed. He knew that there were unused passenger cars at the station waiting to be used, and they would provide him an excellent place to retrieve his Firebolt (which Dumbledore had graciously given back as he was leaving Hogwarts) from his duffle bag. He was slightly worried about one thing though. He knew the order paced magic detectors around Surrey so it would be easier for them to sense trouble, Harry being the only magical person in the area. Now he was worried, if only slightly, that he might not be far enough away from the neighborhood that the detectors would detect the magical connection he made with his broomstick.
It was nearing 30 minutes since he had left the house on Privet Drive and currently Harry was walking just out of sight alongside the normally busy road. Being well lit, he could see what was happening up on the road easily, and as he came to a nice clearing, he stopped to have a drink of water from the canteen he was wearing around his neck. While trying to be as quiet as possible while unscrewing the canteen top, he glanced in the direction he had come from, and what he saw sent chills throughout his body; he was being followed.
Up on the road, slightly behind him, he could see three figures in cloaks creeping cautiously along, their heads darting in different directions as each second passed. Harry stared, unblinkingly, at the figures as they approached an area parallel with him that was filled with moon-light and street light, as they entered the light-flooded area, he was shocked. Professors Dumbledore and Snape were following closely behind a third, unidentifiable witch. Keeping his eyes trained on the three, but mainly on the witch in the lead, Harry waited. Minutes passed like hours until, finally, something happened that brought recognition to the unknown witch; she tripped on the hem of her cloak and fell gracefully to the ground.
Tonks, Harry thought, only she could be so clumsy. When they began moving again, slightly ahead of Harry, he suddenly remembered something; Dumbledore can see through invisibility cloaks. As quickly as he could, while remaining silent, Harry flattened himself to the ground and cocked his head to the left so that he could see if they were looking or coming his way. Thankfully, they appeared to have missed him and they continued on down the road, all the time looking around in an almost paranoid fashion.
Once standing, he looked around and noticed two figures in the distance, making their way along the road while surveying the opposite side. Using this opportunity, he ran as fast as he could while still retaining as much silence as possible, hoping to reach the train station before being spotted. As luck would have it, he reached the abandoned cars without being seen, and sat down, leaning against the large steel wheel of one to catch his breath. Breathing heavily, he failed to notice the soft footfalls indicating an approaching person until it was too late. After a slight crash and some choice words, Harry leapt to his feet, only to come face to face with Tonks, who was, as usual, displaying a large smile.
"Wotcher, Harry" she said brightly, as if meeting in a train yard with a runaway was an everyday occurrence for her.
Harry's face fell immediately, and with sorrow in his voice he replied, "'Lo, Tonks."
Tonks, knowing that there was obviously something bothering Harry, sat down next to him before responding.
"Something wrong Harry?" She asked sincerely, something Harry was able to pick up on.
"Everything is wrong" he answered solemnly.
After a brief pause, in which he gathered his thoughts and organized them, he continued, albeit with a slightly shaky voice. "I just have to get away. It's my fault that so many people have been hurt. Cedric died first, then Sirius; my friends were injured then too. Everyone around me is constantly in danger…." He trailed off for a moment, just staring at the sky, just as Tonks was about to respond, he began again, abruptly. "Two years ago I made a decision – that one decision, one choice, that one…. weakness is the cause of all this. It almost seems as though I am doomed to make mistakes. Since that night two years ago, I have constantly made poor choices, and someone always gets hurt, sometimes killed. Professor Dumbledore may believe that I have made the right choices, but I don't! He may believe that my ability to love is my greatest strength, but it is also my greatest weakness – I can't do what is expected of me." Again he trailed off, this time looking down instead of up, secretly wishing that the world would swallow him up and allow fate to bestow his burden on another.
Tonks was listening calmly, though somewhat confused. What choice, she thought, and what is expected of him? She voiced these thoughts and after a few moments of silence, he explained.
"Near the end of my third year, when I found out about Sirius being innocent in the Shrieking Shack, he and Remus wanted to kill Wormtail" he began, pure hatred and venom laced around the last word. Seeing her confusion he added, "Peter Pettigrew. As you know, he was, is, the one that betrayed my parents Fidelus to Voldemort. Well, Remus and Sirius wanted to kill him, and as much as I knew he deserved it, I couldn't allow it to happen. I couldn't allow my fathers two best friends to become murderers. Well, that night he escaped. It was a full moon and Remus transformed – Sirius immediately changed to his animagus form to protect us, and in the mix, Wormtail got away. That night, when he escaped Hogwarts, not only was my chance at a life living with my godfather taken, but so was my chance for a future. You know that it was he who was responsible for Voldemort's rebirth. That was my first bad choice, had it not been for that, Cedric would still be alive, and for that I am sorry." Harry, good as he was at hiding his emotions, could no longer keep them bottled up, and silent tears fell from his eyes and ran down his face.
Tonks on the other hand wasn't sure what to say. No one had ever told her of the night in the Shrieking Shack, and she assumed the only ones who really knew were those present and Dumbledore. She was brought out of her thoughts as Harry began to speak again.
"Now Professor Dumbledore tells me that I am the only one that can kill Voldemort. 'Neither can live while the other survives, for either must die at the hands of the other'. Does that mean that only he can kill me? How can I kill Voldemort? Even if I could I don't know if I would, I was unable to kill the man responsible for my parents' deaths, so how could I kill another person, even if he is evil? Also, if I do kill him, does that mean that I am immortal, or if I lose, is he? It's just too much"
Tonks was thunderstruck. She never knew any of this, Dumbledore hadn't told anyone else, and she could see exactly where Harry was coming from. Of course he would see it as his fault that Cedric and Sirius had died, who wouldn't. She also didn't know the details of the prophecy, but had figured that Harry was involved somehow. After hearing all Harry had been through and seen, she was amazed that he was still as sane and normal, figuratively, as he was; much less alive. She understood, or so she thought…
"Harry," she said softly after a few moments of silence, "I won't say I know how you feel. I couldn't even begin to fathom it because honestly, I have never been through anything even remotely similar, but I do understand why your choices make you feel the way you do. I would feel the same. I never knew most of what you just told me, and I don't think Dumbledore ever told anyone either, but I will say that if he thinks you made the right choice we should trust in that – he knows much more than he lets on –"
She was interrupted by Harry "He told me that after what happened in the Department of Mysteries that he made a mistake by not telling me soon about the prophecy."
"That may be," began Tonks "but only time will tell on this one. I know right now it seems impossible that stopping Peter from being killed was the right choice – we will just have to see. Given all that, I don't think that running away from your problems will help"
Here Harry seemed to tense up and actually get upset.
"I'm not running away from my problems, I'm running away from those few who have shown me compassion, those who I care about, trying to offer them a hope for a better tomorrow. He wants me dead, and I him. Only I don't know how, or even if, I can do it. I am running off to train myself. Voldemort surely knows what I am taught in school and no one seems to be in any rush to train me for what only I can accomplish. Quite the opposite really; I am sheltered in a house, surrounded by people who hate my every being. When not there I am being told how to live my life by the headmaster – I have no choices anymore, they are made for me. I can never really be sure if those I care for really care about me, or just about some prophecy which involves me in some way and want to keep me alive long enough to kill Voldemort, then cast me aside like a used casing; spent. For once I am making a decision, not about school, or some inane activity, but about my life, and barely an hour after leaving you, Dumbledore and Snape are out looking for me – making sure I don't do something foolish, like get myself killed. But is that because you really care about me, the person, or me, the boy in the prophecy?"
He finished, trembling with rage. He knew that Tonks was only following orders and probably did care about him, Harry, but before she had a chance to speak he went on in a voice so calm and cold, it actually frightened her a bit.
"I am going away tonight and no one, I mean no one, will stop me. If you do truly care about me, Harry, then you will please not try to stop me."
A little taken aback, Tonks looked into his eyes and could see he was entirely serious. She did care for him, some out of pity for what he had been through, some out of respect, but mostly for what she had heard about him and what she was now seeing. She finally understood, he would sacrifice everything in hopes of saving a few lives; he knew what he had to do and had thought everything through. And, of course, she couldn't deny that his life was lived for him – he was right about a search party being sent out only minutes after he left Number 4. Now she was faced with a dilemma, she did want to allow him to make his own choices but she also wanted him to be safe. Then again, she wasn't big on the idea of defying Dumbledore's orders either. She asked Harry for a few minutes, to which he grudgingly agreed, and she pondered her options, of which there were few.
After several minutes deep in thought, and quite a few loud sighs from Harry, she formed a plan in her mind. Not a great plan, but a plan nonetheless. She looked straight into Harry's eyes and spoke.
"Harry, I have an idea. I would like to ask you to wait here for 15 more minutes, and if I am not back by then you may go; I give you my word I will not tell anyone where you are. Okay?"
Harry thought this seemed reasonable enough, but didn't see why he had to wait for 15 minutes. Then again, he had already waited for over a month, so what's 15 minutes more. He nodded his head in agreement, to which Tonks smiled brightly then with a 'crack' she was gone, only to reappear moments later and Number 12 Grimwauld Place, Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix.