TAUNT MY CHAINS

A/N OK everyone lol I've changed the name already! I was toying with this title in the beg. but then I didn't and now I did! lol The first title was from a lyric of John Lennon's "When everything is Said and Done you can't go pleasing everyone, so screw it" that's kinda my attitude on everything right now so it seemed fitting. But then I remembered the poem having very much to do with the plot so I'll post that as the plot thickens. OK WOW reviews! I'm sooo excited. so I've posted a few answers to reviews after the chappy! ENJOY!

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CHAPTER 1

Repentance is another name for aspiration. ~ Henry Ward Beecher ( I kinda understand it but then it's like...what?)

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I jumped up in bed with a gasp, breathing heavily. Images of Voldemort burned freshly in my mind. That was three weeks ago! Three weeks! It was mid July and I still have nightmares. I looked around the dark confines of my room. The neon light flashing 12:30. Can't even sleep past midnight these days.

The darkness moved and I flinched as I flipped on the switch. Light was thrown into the shadows and took over. I'm paranoid, absolutely paranoid. I dropped my head into my hand and sighed. I have had no word from my friends except from Hermione, one of my best friends. And Jenell, also one of my best friends, and also a muggle second cousin of the Weasley's. She was as close in the family as one of them, but she lived in Muggle London, she was a witch but her father was a muggle ( he got along real well with Mr. Weasley). They knew how to use phones and they called me quite a bit. They had told me how Dumbledore would 'prefer' we kept our letters 'to a minimum' because fear they would be 'intercepted'. What a bunch of hoopla. I was started to feel very rebellious about Dumbledore's thoughts on anything. Everyone thought he was so great. And don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but sometimes I think he was just too full of himself. No one is right ALL the time, no one.

I have had no word from Sirius. Not one single letter. I was a little upset. He couldn't stop for one second to write one lousy "I'm OK". I wasn't expecting a novel here. I just wanted to know that he was alright. What if he's so awful that he can't even write? What if he was captured? I slapped a hand to my forehead. Shut Up. I'll never get anywhere with that thinking. No news is good news I guess. If something had happened surely someone would have told me?

I'd asked Hermione and Jenell repeatedly about Sirius, but they knew as little as I did. I was started to wonder how long it would be before I saw him again. This summer he's too busy to even write, then I go to school and there's no chance of seeing him. What about next summer? But that's a whole year! I mentally cursed Dumbledore for sending Sirius out. Then I immediately felt bad, he was doing something important wasn't he? I can't expect to have him all to myself when there's a world out there to save.

I sighed and flung the covers off, putting my feet on the floor. I looked into the pitch blackness of my window before flinching and looking away. The complete blackness scared me, I had no idea what was out there. I grabbed my wand off of the night table, I took it with me EVERYWHERE now. I got up carefully and walked out into the dark hall.

All of a sudden the door to the bathroom was thrown open and I jumped. Uncle Vernon looked at me menacingly.

"What are you doing up?" He asked.

"I couldn't sleep" He narrowed his eyes, as if to try and tell if I was lying.

"I don't want you wandering the house while we're sleeping"

I protested, "I was just going to make some tea"

"Don't use that tone of voice with me!" He growled, reaching out and grabbing my arm.

"Don't touch me!" I said with indignance, pointing my wand at his face.

"You can't do magic over the summer" He whispered with malice and a look that I never wanted to see again.

"It won't be summer forever" I threatened pointing my wand in a more professional manner. He stared at me before wrenching my arm away and disappearing into the darkness of his room.

I stood there, in the dark, for a few moments longer, too scared to move. Uncle Vernon had always scared me, to tell you the truth, I feared him more than I did Voldemort. With Voldemort I was more, on the same level with. Sure I'm a fourth year student and he's a fully trained wizard with extensive knowledge of Dark arts spells. But I have a wand, I can defend myself, though poorly. With my Uncle, he's a huge man, maybe four times larger than me. The first week I was back he kicked me because I talked back to him. He kicked me! My side is still very bruised and I think I might even have broken a rib, as it still hurts to breathe. Now a light bruise was forming on my arm, I could feel it and I shivered in the dark.

I went down the stairs quietly, careful to jump the last one, and made my way into the kitchen. I went about silently making my tea. I had thought, once, about telling Sirius what my uncle had done. But Sirius is a busy man. He need not be worried with the stupid troubles of a teenager. Besides, he would just recklessly come to my aide by hurting the Dursley's. I didn't want that, no matter what they had done to me. And it wasn't all of them. Just Uncle Vernon.

Petunia was starting to warm up to me I thought. I talked to her about my mother a few days ago. It was wonderful! She had spent her whole childhood with her after all. She also told me a bit about my father, but she didn't know him too well. Petunia even once mentioned Sirius, who had come over a couple of times and played pranks on her with James, because she had made fun of them. I told her how he was the Godfather I spoke of and she smiled! She actually smiled! Not a fake one either. It absolutely floored me. But I did smile back. And the last thing she told me before Vernon got home was how she thought she had a few of my mother's things in the attic and that she would have to look for me. Things of my mothers! And she had never mentioned them before. I thought she hated my mother...I thought she hated me.

I sat at the kitchen table starring into my tea. My life isn't so bad, I told myself. Sure I had to live in a cupboard for the first ten years of my life, I've been in mortal peril too many times to counts, I'm wanted dead by the evilest sorcerer of all time, I've never known my parents, I live with people that don't love me, My Godfather is away to insurmountable danger, Snape, I can't talk to my friends, oh, and I have a lot of homework....what was my point again? I joked myself as I took a sip from my mug. Despite all of that, I go to an amazing school, I'm second of my class (Hermione is Of course first!), I'm a witch, I have friends that love me, I have a Godfather that loves me (even though he isn't here), and I do have a lot of fun. I'm actually pretty lucky. Some people don't even have what I have. I smiled with lifted spirits. yeah I am lucky.

I bumped my side into the table as I scooted in my chair and gasped. I doubled over slightly, taking deep, ragged breaths. Kind of, I'm kind of lucky. I straightened up as I hissed through my teeth and downed the rest of my tea, trying to make the piercing pain subside. He had done this to me just a bit last summer, right before I ran away. I thought that was it, but this summer is started again. And I had promised myself earlier on that I would never be 'let' him hit me. That I would ALWAYS fight back, no matter how much more he hurt me.

There were times, he would hit me and I would just want to play dead so he would go away, I wanted to crouch down on the floor and cry. But I would not take it lying down, not ever. I hit him and kicked him back, shouting at him to leave me alone. And I always got beat worse. He could win physically, but I would NEVER let him win mentally. I was playing my own game, he could have his. As long as I knew I didn't let him pacify me, then I had won. I know I can't stop him, but I would never submit to it. Besides, he only hurts me once in awhile, most the time he just shouts at me. It has been okay. I had to hide it sometimes in the beginning of last year. the bruises, the welts. Getting dressed in my dorm, when someone would touch a bruise or I accidentally hurt myself. It was hard, but I had done it. The pain was easiest of all to hide. I could take pain.

I think Hermione figured it out. I had never for one second, thought she wouldn't figure it out. I can only hide it so well and Hermione is too smart for her own good sometimes. She catches me crying sometimes as well. I cry a lot I think. Sometimes my life just gets so stressful and I just have to cry, I just can't help it. Sometimes I cry in self-pity. I cry for other people as well. I cry mostly when people shout at me. I just can't stand it, I'm hyper-sensitive to hostility. Snape shouts at me all the time. You think I'd be used to it by now. But sometims I have to try and hide my wet eyes. I think Hermione, on some level, sees that I have pain. The best of my friends at least. I think she is starting to get to know me better than I wanted her to. There is a part of me that my friends don't know. The part that gets beaten, the part that, when she thinks of her parents her heart feels empty and she cries, the part that wishes none of this had happened.

They can only know the part of me that I reveal to them. That is my thinking at least. Hermione is getting too far. I pride myself on being an open person. I talk about how I feel and I talk about painful things, there are some things I think that are just burdensome and don't need to be shared. That part of me lays hidden. I also like to think I know myself very well. And I do. My friends think they know me so well, because I confide in them and talk about all kinds of things. But one time Jenell told me how she thought I would react to something. And I told her that that's not what I would say at all. that's when it hit me I think. That my friends really don't know me. Now I sound like some self proclaimed misunderstood teenager. I'm not really. It's just, I know how I think and I know how I would react to anything, I know what I think about the things that no one even cares to ask. So how could anyone know me better than that? I am a very complex person, and what everyone knows is only the tip of the iceberg, shall we say. That was something I liked, that no one could know me, better than I. That I was one up on everyone.

And me, understanding all of that. I think it helps me understand other people better. I'm actually pretty good at understanding people. I'd like to think that I know how people work. When I watch people, I pick up on their mannerisms very quickly. If you asked me a question I bet I could tell you how everyone of my friends would react, and be accurate.

Enough self reflecting, I chided myself. Standing on numb legs I dropped my mug into the sink and walked up the stairs, for once after a nightmare, I was genuinely tired.

~*~

I jerked out of my sleep with pounding on my door. I looked at the clock. 7:18. Great.

"What?!?" I shouted at the door as I jumped out of bed. I pulled the door open as my uncle shouted.

"Get up and make yourself useful for once." And I bit my tongue to contain the "OK because I DIDN'T mow your lawn and prune the flowers and cook dinner and help clean the house..." I just looked at him with suppressed rage as he started down the stairs. I heard the front door shut and rolled my eyes as I shut my door and fell onto my bed.

I must have dozed off because I was later awoken by a gentler knock on my door. I sat up and said "come in" in a chipper voice. The door creaked open to reveal Aunt Petunia. I raised my eyebrows as to ask the occasion.

"I found that box of your mother's things" she explained. I leapt off the bed and a smile involuntarily lit up my face. She led me down the stairs. There was a cardboard box on the kitchen floor, labeled in thick black marker on the side was "LILY" in pretty cursive. I hesitated but Petunia nodded before she herself sat on the floor. I immediately followed her lead. With no more hesitation I pulled up the tabs of the dusty box. It was filled with papers, boxes, little toys. I didn't know where to start, but before I made up my mind Petunia made a move.

"Oh, I remember this!" She pulled out an ornate jewelry box.

"This used to be in our room, Daddy gave it to Lily when she was just four years old, brought it back from China, he used to travel"

"Really?" I asked, thinking this was too good to be true, that I was perhaps still dreaming.

"Oh yes, he went all over the world" She went on excitedly. She opened the box and I looked at the jewelry, some of it was juvenile, plastic. But the rest was beautiful.

"This" She started, pulling out a gorgeous necklace. It was silver and had a large emerald dangling from it with diamonds accenting it.

"Your father gave Lilly this her last year of school, She absolutely adored it, wore it everyday for a while there. Look it will be gorgeous with your eyes." She held it up to me.

"try it on" She urged pushing it into my hands. I looked at the necklace as Petunia went digging through the rest. My eyes were unseeing and my hands, frozen.

"Aunt Petunia" I said in a whisper, she looked up.

"Why are you doing this?" She just stared for a second before setting down the box and looking at me.

"Sarah, I really.... When you're mother found out she was a witch, when she came home knowing how to do magic... I was so jealous! Who wouldn't be? I wished I could do it too. But, It also scared me, that Lilly, my sister and best friend, wasn't who she thought I was, she was something weird. It was something I didn't know so I was afraid of it, when people are afraid of things, they end up hating them." She had started in a lighter voice, it was now weighted down with years of regret.

"I was jealous and afraid of Lilly when she came back. So I hated her. No I never hated her I was just acting like it. It was easier that way. We lost touch. She did ask me to keep this box for her, she had no room for anymore stuff in her house she had told me, and I told her I would, that was the last time I talked to her... I had wanted to tell her always, that I really didn't hate her, that I still loved her... Then I found out she had been killed, and that was my last chance to tell was gone. Now I had her beloved daughter, your headmaster left you at my door telling me you had to stay here because of some kind of old magic. I couldn't believe I had to be around a witch again. You didn't even know yet and I had submitted you to a life of hate, subconsciously I couldn't get past the fact you were magic, something I could never be. Something scary and unknown to me. I never got to tell your mother" She let out a quiet sob

"I never told her that I didn't really hate her." She bowed her head.

"She knows" I assured her almost reflexively. "I know she does" I whispered. Aunt Petunia looked up with a smile and wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Sarah, I never hated you, your mother, or your father, not really. I'm so sorry I've treated you all so awfully" And she broke down crying.

"Auntie" I said shocked. She was crying! I put my arm around her shoulders.

"Come on, Aunt Petunia, It's Ok! I know and my mum knew too" I said soothingly. Her sobs broke off and she wiped her eyes.

"I never expected your forgiveness, God knows I don't deserve it" She sniffed quietly.

"Yes you do, everyone deserves forgiveness" I said in a semi shocked, semi soothing voice. She just shook her head and I tried to lighten the mood a bit.

"Does this mean you forgive me for breaking that vase the other day?"

She started laughing. "Of course I do, of course I do" She whispered the last half.

"I never really expected any of this" I said quietly. "

I never expected to tell you" She said.

"I was just thinking a while ago about how I never told Lilly and I didn't want to have never told you. I've been weeks trying to pluck up the courage." She confided.

"Well, I think you were very brave to tell me." I said.

"It's not easy to admit you're wrong, I know."

"Please, Sarah, don't, I can't even live with myself for never telling Lilly, you forgiving me is just to much let alone telling me how 'brave' I am for telling you, I can't stand it." She looked on the verge of crying again.

I was going to say "I'm sorry" just then but I didn't want to push her off the edge so I sat in silence. She laughed quietly.

"Look at me. I have no right slobbering about all this" She whispered and her hands opened the jewelry box back up. I just sat in a stunned silence. What was going on? I asked myself. Then my gaze dropped to the necklace in my limp hand. I pulled it up to eye level and watched it sparkle in the noon-time sun.

"Try it on" she repeated, watching me with a smile. and I did.

"It looks beautiful" she complimented. I kept telling myself "This is my MUM's" as I went through all of the jewelry with her, Petunia telling the stories behind each of them. Then she gasped.

"This reminds me!" She stood up and went up stairs without another word. I was left sitting on the floor in complete confusion before she returned with an old envelope.

"I was given these before your parents bodies were buried." She explained. 'bodies...buried'... wait a sec. I was about to ask exactly WHERE their bodies were buried, but that thought was silenced by what Aunt Petunia dropped into my hand out of the envelope.

A beautiful diamond engagement ring and two wedding bands.

My hands started shaking. And she sat back onto the floor without further adieu and rifled through the papers. I sat there, my mind not processing what was being told to me. My parents wedding rings, the things that signified their love for one another. They had never been this real to me. This dimensional. I had only known them by pictures and sporadic story telling of their old friends. I unfroze and made a fist around the rings dropping my hand to the floor. Petunia, not knowing the impact she had created, started showing me the letters hidden in the box.

~*~

It was late afternoon and I was sitting on my bed, the box sitting on the floor. I was still trying to let this all sink in. I had just learned more about my mother than I ever dreamed. I opened my fist. On my sweaty hand lay the three rings. I had held them all day. I set them gently to my night table and wiped my hands on the sheets. They sparkled in the sun as I stared at them. I pulled my eyes away to the box. We had gone through everything in it.

Now neatly tied with a pink ribbon, were the love letters my parents had written each other ( I was waiting till I was ready to read them), there was the jewelry box on top, legal documents such as my birth certificate and my mum's, a few childhood toys, some of her school books with her name inscribed in them, and her school tie.

I was wearing the necklace and also a bracelet I had found in the jewelry box. It was silver, there was a flat section, on it was carved "Lily" in script. I couldn't help but smile and feel terribly empty at the same time when I looked at it all. I looked back to the rings with a sigh. I went to my trunk, pulling out a black hair ribbon I tied the rings together with it and set them in the jewelry box. I was just going to clear a place in my trunk for the box when I heard the front door slam and jumped to the window. I saw my Uncle's car and gasped. I grabbed the box and shoved it in my armoire, away from view. I kicked my trunk closed and sat at my paper and book strewn desk as I caught my breath. Sometimes Vernon would come in and yell at me right when he got home. He didn't today. And I was thankful. I took a deep breath and started on my potions essay.

~*~

It was a little before midnight. My desk light was on and I was just finishing up my well worded potions essay.

After dinner I had hidden the box away in my trunk and re-organized my belongings in it so I wouldn't have anymore scares like the one today. Then I had decided to do some more work on my homework. Before going to bed Aunt Petunia stuck her head in and said 'goodnight' to me. As I worked my mind kept wandering to the box, I was still in shock over what had happened today, did it even happen at all? Every time I saw my mum's bracelet on my wrist I thought of her, of my dad too.

I finally concentrated enough to finish an essay, the one I disliked the most too, I thought proudly. I sighed and looked straight out through my window. The streetlamp, having not gone off yet, cast eerie shadows all over the street. The next-door neighbor's shrubbery cast a scary shadow across the width of the street. I looked to the clock before immediately looking back to the shadows. Something had caught my eye...their was something in the shadow, moving. Then the streetlamps went off.

TBC

A/N: Oooo cliffhanger! lol I'm sooo evil! soooooo what did you all think??? ( Sorry if there are mistakes this whole thing was written at like 1 am) the first real chapter! exciting? a let down? TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF IT! did you like the whole Aunt Petunia thing? I thought it was pretty cute lol. Well sorry if it seems rushed, I think it helped portray how what all happened was a bit of a blur to Sarah. Well anyway. Tell me if you all like what I'm doing here, tell me if this story is working! I wanna know! OK I answered a few reviews below! Don't forget to REVIEW!!!!!

Torny: LOL I'm glad I didn't name her Harriet too! Even though she was born under the same circumstances as Harry, she isn't Harry! I'm glad you've recognized that! so proud! besides Sarah is a prettier name! and it kinda sounds like Harry....kinda. So what did you think of her in this chapter??? Is she forming well? You like her?? Did you like her talk with Petunia?? huh? huh?? And thank you! I hope she is more sensible, because Harry isn't very.

Shimmergloom: Hey, nice to know someone agrees with my "More father/son(daughter) relationship" slogan! lol and YES I have of course read the fifth book, but I was a bit disappointed to tell the truth! I'm mad at everyone in that book! Mrs. Weasley is horrid to Sirius ( I wanted to slap her) Dumbledore was stupid for not telling Harry at least when he first got to Grimauld, Sirius is a loser with Harry, I hate Umbridge!, Snape is a meanie fish, James is portrayed as a meanie fish too It's just all so upsetting! I really hated Sirius and Harry's relationship! They were together and they like never talked I was like "What?" Everything is dark and horrible. I did like Dumbledore telling Harry at the end though but I cry every time I re-read the Sirius-falls-through-a-curtain part! I have a whole theory on the fact that Sirius IS coming back.. But I've ranted enough so I'll wait till someone asks me about it lol

Rune LillyAnna Snape: I'm soo glad you're into female Harry stories! lol You SHOULD start a group and I'll join! Who said Girls can't do just as well as boys??? they can do better!

princess-chandi: Thank you! I know the prologue was confusing! I'm sorry! I hope you understood it well enough tho! So tell me how did this chapter come out? You liking it?? And I'll check out ur story as soon as I have time!

TO EVERYONE! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR REVIEWING!!! IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!

Luv you all