Ron vs. John By Aderyn820
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter or John Mayor.
Songs: 'I've Got No Mail,'; 'Don't Know Why You're Mad,'; 'I Don't Think You Do,'; 'Why,'; 'You and Me,'; 'You Suck,'; 'Bye-Bye John,' copyright: Aderyn820, June, 2004
A.N: OK. This fanfic is horribly mean. I'm warning you now, it's just mean. I was sitting around, listening to John Mayor's Heavier Things CD, and I was trying to come up with a song fic, and here's what I got instead. Like I said, it's mean. But just so you know, I love John Mayor, I really do, so anything Ron says about him is totally not my opinion, I'm just bored and hyper, and my internet is down, so I don't have anything else to do.
RON VS JOHN
It's kind of naïve to think that your first girlfriend is going to be your only girlfriend. Most guys hope that's not true anyway.
But I don't know about me. I really like Hermione, you know? And on top of that, I've known her for a lot of my life... and life would be totally weird without her, but if she wasn't my girlfriend any more... what would she be? I mean, the whole 'let's just be friends' thing never works. Besides, Hermione and I were never very much good at being friends anyway.
This is silly. I need to get up and get dressed. I have Charms in 10 minutes and I haven't got the time to brood on Hermione. But I think she wants to break up with me or something. She's been really weird lately.
I don't even know why I'm writing this down. Got kind of bored, found a spare piece of parchment, I'm just writing for lack of better things to do, I guess.
Did I mention that Hermione spends all her free time these days staring at pictures and listening to Seedies on her Seedy player? And the pictures and the Seedies all have to do with this bloody American git called John Mayor. I mean... puh-lease. What a stupid name. And what ever happened to spending time with me, her boyfriend? I mean, at least I'm kind of good-looking, which is more than I can say for this John guy. I mean, seriously. What is it with Hermione and hideously disfigured celebrities?
OK, so he's not exactly hideously disfigured, but come on. She can do better. Like me. I am so much better. But I do wish she would shut up about him once in a while.
Anyway. I'm still bored. Writing all this down isn't helping. Well, it kinda is, but not really. But I just thought of something that would be a lot more fun: Skipping Charms to flush stuff down the boys' toilets. Maybe this parchment'll go down with Hermione's autographed picture of John Mayor (Yeah, okay, I nicked it, so what?).
::::::
Ok, so I didn't flush this paper. And I didn't flush the stupid stationary picture of John either. I gave it back to Hermione instead. I felt kinda guilty, and I was thinking: Oh, Merlin, what if she finds out I took it? So I gave it back to her. I didn't tell her I stole it, but I think she figured it out because she slapped me. And what other reason would she have to slap me than if she knew I'd stolen her beloved autograph?
It kinda hurt too. I mean it. That girl hits hard. I hope she hit Malfoy this hard when she slapped him back in third year. I hope she hit him harder. I really do.
So now Hermione is really pissed off at me, and I am sitting alone in the boys' dormitory writing in a diary. Not a really a diary, I guess. But I am writing about what just happened and how I feel about it. Guys are not supposed to do this. Maybe that's why Hermione likes John Mayor better than me. Because he is not a sissy idiot who keeps a diary. But I've read all the words to his songs, and they're not exactly 'macho'. Hermione says he's sensitive and she finds that really sweet. She also says that I am the most insensitive wart she has ever met. Does that mean she doesn't think I'm sweet? And if she doesn't think I'm 'sweet' why is she going out with me? Oh Merlin, she's definitely going to dump me.
Maybe... I should die my hair black... find a way to make my freckles disappear... learn to play the guitar and start writing a bunch of crappy music. Maybe then Hermione would pay more attention to me, because I will be just like her idol, after all. Yes, that's the thing to do.
Merlin, I'm pathetic.
::::::
I wrote a song. I'll record it here so that one day, when I'm a really old bloke... like Dumbledore, I can read this and laugh my bloody knickers off.
I'VE GOT NO MAIL
What should I be
To make you see
How much I really do
Care about you
I've tried everything
From flowers to Drooble's Best Blowing Gum
But you still like him better
After all, you sent him a letter
Why don't you send me mail?
This is what I fail
To see
How could love him more than you love me?
This I crazy,
Don't tell me, I know
I just wish I could show
You the kind of things I just can't express
And I know this song isn't the best
So what?
It should still matter more than all the rest
Of anything he's ever done
Let's go out and have some fun
Why don't you send me mail?
This is what I fail
To see
How you could love him more than you love me?
I would send you mail
If you asked me to
Or maybe I wouldn't
I probably won't
But can't we just give it a try?
Why don't you send me mail?
Yeah, so that's it. I wonder if she'll like it. I kind of borrowed some second year kid's guitar (with no intention of giving it back, of course. But since he doesn't know I'm the one who has it anyway, I think the chances of him turning me in are very minimal. And if he does find out and try to rat me out, I'll just have to kill him. No big deal) and so I'm working on guitar notes for the song. Which is kind of hard, because I don't even think I'm holding this thing right.
::::
Decided the song sounds better without music, but I'm not sure that's John Mayor-ish enough for Hermione. This really sucks. Wrote another song. I think I'm getting the hang of this. Sort of. Not really.
DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE MAD
He's a million miles away
But I'm right here
You can have him never
But you can have me today
If I were you
I know who I'd choose
But if I were you it'd be weird
Because I'd be going out with myself ...um... eww
I don't why you're mad
I decided not to flush his ugly face
So everything's okay
I wish we still had what we had
He's too old anyway
He's almost thirty
Isn't he?
I'm not even 17 yet, okay?
I mean, really, who is better?
John, who's white and pasty
And kind of girly too
Or me, a good-looking go-getter?
I don't why you're mad
I decided not to flush his ugly face
So everything's okay
I wish we still had what we had
I wish we still had what we had... (2x)
::::::
Ok, I confess, I stole Hermione's Seedy player. I'm trying to figure out how to work it now. No such luck. What the heck is with this crappy telektrisitee stuff anyway? Don't know why Dad's so fascinated with it. HOW DOES THIS BLOODY THING WORK?????????
::::::
Oh Merlin. I didn't mean to, Honest to Circe I didn't mean to. I just... can't control my temper, you know? Here's what happened:
I was fiddling with the Seedy player, and I was really peeved. I was trying to find the place I was supposed to tap the thing with my wand so that it would work. I tapped the WHOLE bloody thing, and it still didn't work. So... I... I threw the Seedy player. And I think I broke it. Do you realize how bad this is? Oh my gosh I am asking questions to a book. And not just any book. My bloody diary.
Could this get any worse?
Hang on, Harry's here. Maybe he can help me.
::::::
Well, it's fixed, I think. And I don't think Harry's going to tell Hermione either. But I dunno, he seemed kind of peeved about the whole thing. He made me go put it right back. And I did. And then I came back and wrote another song.
I DON'T THINK YOU DO
I almost hurt you
Out of desperation
But I didn't have a choice
You have to know that I didn't mean to
Can't you see
I'm going out of my mind
Wondrin'
Do you really love me?
'Cause I don't think you do
I think you like him better
And that's bloody irritating
Just between me and you
It's fazing me
All this crazy stuff
That's going on
Love don't come for free
It's high time
We had a talk
Do you realize how much work it took
For me to make this freaking thing rhyme?
'Cause I don't think you do
I think you like him better
And that's bloody irritating
Just between me and you
I was insane before
But I'm worse now
It's all your fault
What are you doing this to me for?
I know I kind of suck
I can tell
That when you see me,
You think 'Yuck'
And I know that you do
I know you like him better
And that's bloody irritating
Just between me and you
I'm getting kind of good at this, don't you think? Oh Merlin, I asked my diary a question again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????
::::::
All I can say is this: Uh-oh. I tried to die my hair black. Not a good idea. I think my fingernails are permanently colored also. Yeah, my hair's black and everything. But I forgot about something. I HAVE RED EYEBROWS!!!!! Why, God? Why did you curse me with red hair? Needless to say, Hermione hates it. I don't blame her. I hate it too. I look nothing like John Mayor. This is not good.
::::::
Wrote another song. But this is for me. Not Hermione.
WHY
Why am I so fricking stupid?
I hate my brain
It's ugly
And not useful at all
I'm not suicidal
But I'm getting
So close it's scary
Don't believe me?
I have been practicing
The killing curse
I killed a spider day before
I'm just kidding
I really am
All I care about
Is one answer to one question:
Why am I so fricking stupid?
I hate my brain
It's ugly
And not useful at all
Why am I so fricking stupid?
I hate my brain
It's ugly
And not useful at all
Why am I so fricking stupid?
I hate my brain
It's ugly
And not useful at all
Why am I so fricking stupid?
Can you tell me?
Can you tell me?
Can anyone at all tell me?
A work of brilliance on my part, I think. Don't you? MERLIN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
Oh, I wrote a song for Hermione too, but it's not half as good as the one I wrote for myself. Here goes:
YOU AND ME
You and me
We're really different
But you're the best
Anyway
I like food
And lots of candy
You think books
And quills are really handy
You think house elves should be free
I think they should wait on me
That's just who we happen to be
That's the difference between you and me
Yesterday I sort of bit
My tongue
And you kind of laughed at me
But I still love you
I'm dense, I know it's true
But I'm not too moronic to know
How lucky I am
That I have you
You think house elves should be free
I think they should wait on me
That's just who we happen to be
That's the difference between you and me
I hope this song gets across
How much
I really care
Even though you think you're my boss
So I was thinking
Maybe later
We could go to that Muggle place they call the zoo
And pet the alligators
You think house elves should be free
I think they should wait on me
That's just who we happen to be
That's the difference between you and me
You think house elves should be free
I think they should wait on me
That's just who we happen to be
That's the difference between you and me
So. Yeah. I'm fighting the urge to ask what you think. I will not ask my diary what it thinks of my pathetic musical talent... I will not... Crap, somebody's coming in. They cannot see me writing in a diary.
::::::
Today was a good day. Today, I was in the Great Hall, eating breakfast (4 fried eggs, 3 slices of toast, pumpkin juice) and guess who sat beside me, after a whole week of not doing so?
Go on, guess.
Oh, Merlin. Now I have begun to ask my diary to 'guess' things. Inanimate objects cannot guess!
Hermione. Hermione sat next to me. So if you could guess, you would guess that she's not pissed at me about the autograph incident anymore. And I don't think she is. I didn't ask her, of course, because maybe she forgot, and if I remind her, she'll probably be ticked at me again.
She just sat down next to me and was acting like everything is fine. She didn't even make a single nasty comment about my hair (I was able to wash most of the dye out, but I still have a big black streak in my bangs). Of course, who cares about my bloody hair? I mean, the rest of me is so incredibly charming that something a piddly as a black streak can easily be overlooked. You know, sometimes, being a good-looking guy like myself has very good advantages. Hermione says I have an ego the size of Britain. But that's ridiculous because if my ego was the size of Britain, how com can fit on Britain? Hermione says it's because my ego takes up all the space that a my brain is supposed to take up. She also said that John Mayor is so sensitive that his ego is only the size of a sickle, and why can't I be more like him.
Can't she see that I am bloody trying???
Wrote a song. Not for Hermione, not for me. For John. Heh.
YOU SUCK
You may not know this
But I do
And if I know something
It's usually pretty hard to miss
But then again
You are John Mayor
And you couldn't get any gayer
Even if you were Malfoy
And guess what, git?
You suck
I know its news to you
But don't have a fit
You wouldn't want your fan girls to see
How you're just
A big baby
And Hermione really loves me
She's all mine
And you can't
Have her
Without you, she's been doing fine
She doesn't need you
I don't like you
So get out of our hair
'Cause nobody cares
And guess what, git?
You suck
I know its news to you
But don't have a fit
You wouldn't want your fan girls to see
How you're just
A big baby
And Hermione really loves me
And guess what, git?
You suck
I know its news to you
Oh by the way, that's a nice zit
You may not know this
But I do
And if I know something
It's usually pretty hard to miss
You Suck!!!
:::::::
Oh, my gosh. Life is so good. Hermione is done with John Mayor. Guess what she said?
She said he really wasn't that great in the first place!
Oh... I love my life.
Not only is Hermione all mine again (SCREW YOU, JOHN!!!), but the black in my hair is fading out too. And now that I have my girlfriend back, I don't need to spend my time on this girlish hobby of writing in my diary anymore. Oh, thank Merlin.
One last song, just for the heck of it.
BYE-BYE JOHN
Did you really think
You could beat me out
You stupid fink
Hello, you look like a bloody trout!
So I just want to take some time
To rub it in
You were way out of line
I got my girl in the end
Bye-bye John
I hope you die
In a horrible accident
And that's no lie
Maybe you could sink
To the bottom of the ocean
That would be sufficient,
Don't you think?
Bye-bye John
I hope you die
In a horrible accident
And that's no lie
Or maybe you could fall
Out of a building 40 feet high
And go KERSPLAT!
Like a stupid little house fly
Bye-Bye John,
You had your chance
And now she's mine
And you're long gone
Yeah, you're long gone...
Well, that's it. I wonder who Usher is. And why is Hermione so excited that her Mum just owled her a giant picture of him? Usher. Pah! What a stupid name.