For Queen, Target Underwear and Country.
DISCLAIMER: The authors of this story do not own the characters from the Lord of the Rings, or quotes from the Simpsons. This story is a parody, which makes fun of certain characters. If you're not cool with that, now would be a good time to make friends with your browser's back button. Other than that, we hope you enjoy the story, any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Chapter One: The Three Point Plan.
"I can't believe we actually came here of all places to get food," Nicole said.
"Yeah," Leggy agreed. "You know, I can think of at least two things that are wrong with the name of Haldir's restaurant."
"Hm this part of Lorien is starting to get pretty seedy," observed Lea, as they were all leaving Haldir's House of Pancakes. "Since when has there been a Lorien equivalent of Hindley Street?"
"Dear lord! Since when did Aragorn own a strip club?" Emma asked shielding her poor eyes. "Guys, where are you?..AHH my poor innocent eyes! I'm blind!" Nicole cried out upon spotting the seedy part of Lorien.
"Don't make any sudden moves..." Leggy said, backing away slowly. "Screw that...run!!" Following his advice everyone ran until they were back in Haldir's tree house, which was currently being decorated with fluffy pink wallpaper.
"Coffee?" Nicole asked whilst ripping the lid of a jar of Nescafe. The group murmured in response, and Nicole set about making the coffee.
"I can't believe Aragorn would do this," Emma said. "Actually...yes I can believe he would do that, the dirty bugger!"
"I've known about this for ages," Haldir told the group. "You know Merry and Pippin work there now."
"WHAT? Haldir you lying git! I bet Aragorn turned you gay!" Nicole yelled, 'accidentally' spilling her coffee all over Haldir's wallpaper. "Ah well, at least I can choose some decent wallpaper now" she said hiding the coffee cup behind her back.
"For your information, I'm am not gay...I just like to prance, and wear women's underwear..but it's strictly a comfort thing. I'm still the manm I wear the pants in this relationship!" Haldir replied, looking rather sheepish. "Besides, Aragorn wears women's underwear too I'll have you know!" he added, looking in Emma's general direction.
"Eeew, Haldir! I really don't want to know how you found out about that!" Nicole said, covering her ears.
"Why us?" Emma asked in a mock dramatic tone, stealing beer from Haldir's fridge. "We better go find Aragorn before he blinds more people, or I'll be getting hate mail."
"Oh yep, thats right, my coffee isn't good enough for you is it Queen Emma?!" Nicole glared at Emma as she reached for the beer.
"Bah, I rekcon a beer is order, we're less likely to be blinded if we see Aragorn naked...not to mention I'd like to forget the fact that I am in any way associated with the great prat!" Emma replied, looking disgusted. Noticing Haldir putting on a pink hat, Nicole casually remarked "I think my boyfriend is gay...give me a beer."
"Alrighty we'll leave you people to drown your sorrows," Leggy said, pretending to be Queen Elizabeth. "We'll see you tomorrow at the pancake house." He waved, dragging Lea with him.
The next morning at 1100 hours the group discussed their plan of attack over chocolate chip pancakes. "I have formulated a three point plan," Nicole said sounding much like a military general, while pouring herself a coffee. "Number one: buy Aragorn some manly underwear, number two: check the progress on the status of the Millward invasion, and finally number three, should we survive the imminent attack: Millward will escorted to Mordor to be cured of the infamous slut disease," she dictated, pouring another coffee. "Here here, I believe it is time to put point one into action," Lea said, grinning in an evil fashion. "I say we go to Target!"
Later that afternoon the group roamed around Target, distinctly disturbed by the amount of pink fluffy underwear available to men. "Gah, and people wonder why their boyfriends are turning gay..." Emma thought to herself.
"What about these?" Haldir asked, holding up a bright yellow g-string.
"We're looking for something with a larger surface area," Emma cringed.
"Damn you mental pictures!" Leggy yelled, throwing himself into a rack of granny undies.."ARGH!!"