Title: Blank
Author: Chocolatequeen
Spoilers: Zero Hour
Genre: T'Pol angst
Emotion. In the past months, she thought she had experienced them all, in some form or another. Anger, humor, passion, lust... even love to a certain extent. They had all come her way, and she had relished them, basking in their forbidden glory.
But this; she'd never felt this before. When Lieutenant Reed had told them of the captain's death, she had felt... empty. She had felt none of the pain and the anger she had expected to feel, not even that which would have been appropriate for a Vulcan in mourning. It was as if he had been the source of all her emotions, and with him gone, they were as well.
Part of her rejoiced in the numbness she felt. Emotion had become a part of her life, a part of who she was. The Vulcan in her rebelled against that, and the Vulcan in her was glad that it was gone now.
A larger part realized that as reassuring as her lack of emotions was right now, it was not normal. As hard as it was to believe, feeling had been her cornerstone instead of logic, and now without that feeling she was set adrift.
Or maybe... maybe it was not the emotions themselves which anchored her, but the one who inspired them. Maybe it was not the lack of emotions that had made her numb, but the loss of his presence.
It was possible. In their three years together on Enterprise, he had become a part of her inner circle, one of the few to whom she would tell the secrets of her past and perhaps even the possibilities of her future. Hope was illogical for a Vulcan, it was an emotion. However, even she had ideas about where she wanted to be and how to get there. She had shared those with Captain Archer, and he had encouraged them.
There had been feelings then, ones she hadn't wanted to classify. She meditated them away, pretended they didn't exist, simply ignoring them. And now that she had her wish and they were gone, she suddenly realized she would give anything to have them back. As a consequence of her actions, her logic was impaired. As a consequence of his death, her emotions were gone.
She was standing now in his ready room, staring out at the stars as she had seen him do countless times, seeking the answers and the solid ground she so desperately needed. A few short weeks ago, she had stood in this same spot, driven to tears by the thought that he might be gone. Now that thought was a reality, yet her eyes remained dry. All her tears, all her pain, had been drained out of her, and she had nothing left to give. It had all come from him, and now it was gone.
In all her 66 years, she had never thought she would come to this. The Vulcan way of life had always been enough for her, but now it seemed so cold. Did she actually need a human to be content?
No, she did not. She did not need a human, any human, she needed just one. And it wasn't just him she needed, it was his companionship, the presence he had provided in her life. He had shown her that it was possible to be passionate without being thoughtless, and that emotion was not the opposite of logic. His example had been the sun that betrayed the barrenness of the life she had lived.
Without him, she was back in the darkness she had known before. It was gone... gone...
That final realization broke through her emptiness, creating the grief she so desperately needed to experience. She didn't fight against it, rather choosing the welcome the pain that followed swiftly after. Anything, anything was better than nothing...
Slowly, two tears trickled down her face. Others welled up in her eyes, but she stifled them back. The two had been enough. They painted on the blank canvas of her heart, showing her sorrow in two stark lines. It was enough. It would have to be enough.
Now that the grief had come, she could realize that there were others on the bridge who were feeling this way as well. They would need her to be there, and they would need her to be strong. She could wipe away the tears for now, and tuck the hurt away for later. The crew needed her, and they needed her strong. With those words in mind, she faced an anxious crew, her emotions tucked away and her face carefully blank.
Emotion. In the past months, she thought she had experienced them all, in some form or another. Anger, humor, passion, lust... even love to a certain extent. They had all come her way, and she had relished them, basking in their forbidden glory.
But this; she'd never felt this before. When Lieutenant Reed had told them of the captain's death, she had felt... empty. She had felt none of the pain and the anger she had expected to feel, not even that which would have been appropriate for a Vulcan in mourning. It was as if he had been the source of all her emotions, and with him gone, they were as well.
Part of her rejoiced in the numbness she felt. Emotion had become a part of her life, a part of who she was. The Vulcan in her rebelled against that, and the Vulcan in her was glad that it was gone now.
A larger part realized that as reassuring as her lack of emotions was right now, it was not normal. As hard as it was to believe, feeling had been her cornerstone instead of logic, and now without that feeling she was set adrift.
Or maybe... maybe it was not the emotions themselves which anchored her, but the one who inspired them. Maybe it was not the lack of emotions that had made her numb, but the loss of his presence.
It was possible. In their three years together on Enterprise, he had become a part of her inner circle, one of the few to whom she would tell the secrets of her past and perhaps even the possibilities of her future. Hope was illogical for a Vulcan, it was an emotion. However, even she had ideas about where she wanted to be and how to get there. She had shared those with Captain Archer, and he had encouraged them.
There had been feelings then, ones she hadn't wanted to classify. She meditated them away, pretended they didn't exist, simply ignoring them. And now that she had her wish and they were gone, she suddenly realized she would give anything to have them back. As a consequence of her actions, her logic was impaired. As a consequence of his death, her emotions were gone.
She was standing now in his ready room, staring out at the stars as she had seen him do countless times, seeking the answers and the solid ground she so desperately needed. A few short weeks ago, she had stood in this same spot, driven to tears by the thought that he might be gone. Now that thought was a reality, yet her eyes remained dry. All her tears, all her pain, had been drained out of her, and she had nothing left to give. It had all come from him, and now it was gone.
In all her 66 years, she had never thought she would come to this. The Vulcan way of life had always been enough for her, but now it seemed so cold. Did she actually need a human to be content?
No, she did not. She did not need a human, any human, she needed just one. And it wasn't just him she needed, it was his companionship, the presence he had provided in her life. He had shown her that it was possible to be passionate without being thoughtless, and that emotion was not the opposite of logic. His example had been the sun that betrayed the barrenness of the life she had lived.
Without him, she was back in the darkness she had known before. It was gone... gone...
That final realization broke through her emptiness, creating the grief she so desperately needed to experience. She didn't fight against it, rather choosing the welcome the pain that followed swiftly after. Anything, anything was better than nothing...
Slowly, two tears trickled down her face. Others welled up in her eyes, but she stifled them back. The two had been enough. They painted on the blank canvas of her heart, showing her sorrow in two stark lines. It was enough. It would have to be enough.
Now that the grief had come, she could realize that there were others on the bridge who were feeling this way as well. They would need her to be there, and they would need her to be strong. She could wipe away the tears for now, and tuck the hurt away for later. The crew needed her, and they needed her strong. With those words in mind, she faced an anxious crew, her emotions tucked away and her face carefully blank.