Sorry, it's been awhile. Funny how addictive computer games can be! (
anyway.........I'll try to finish this story.
Later that same night, Sirius was pacing around the living room. He felt anxious and nervous and excited and he wasn't exactly sure as to way that was. This confrontation with Remus had been entirely unnecessary. Or had it been? Was there a reason he had to push this issue with him?? It had been him who forced this upon Remus, It had been him to refused to let it all go unanswered. Why the hell had he acted this way?
He wouldn't let himself believe that that night along time ago had been a night of unrequited love. It hadn't. He had never been in love with Remus. Sure, he loved Remus. As a friend. He knew one hundred percent that he was not secretly harbouring feelings like that for Remus. It had been one night, a nice night, of what he could remember. It really wasn't that unusual for close friends to get physical once in a while. Hell, he and James were not completely innocent of this either. Sure, he never actually slept with James, but he couldn't deny that there had been a few experimental make out sessions in their last couple of years.
And he had never loved James in that sort of manner either. It was curiousity. That was all.
The problem was, however, that he had obviously hurt Remus. Remus said that he had been in love with Sirius all those years ago. Sirius had never had his heart broken. He was always that one to do the heart breaking which never really bothered him until now. Maybe that was because he was a heartless cruel bastard before. Maybe he still was. But it bothered him greatly that Remus had been hurt by Sirius need to get his rocks off. It wasn't fair.
Sometime after Midnight Sirius crept back up the stairs to find Remus bedroom door open and the lights out. Remus was sleeping.
Sirius crept into the room and sat softly on the edge of Remus' bed. He sat there quietly for a few minutes, not saying or doing anything. He didn't really understand what had propelled him to be there. Did he want to comfort Remus? Apologize? Make it up to him with more sex? He didn't know.
A slight shifting let him know that Remus was now awake. However, he too remained silent, patient. Yes Remus had always been the patient one. They sat in silence, both unmoving for what seemed like an hour but was more likely only a few minutes.
"Look," Remus whispered, "let's just forget we ever talked about it."
Sirius licked his lips and sighed, "I don't think it's that easy. I think......." "Yes? What do you think Sirius? Please tell me."
"I.....I think we need to talk about it more."
Remus sighed and rolled on to his back, "I don't know that there is more to say. It's over, it happened a long time ago. It doesn't matter now. Things have changed. There are more important things to discuss."
"but this is important to me."
"Why? How could it be? You said it didn't mean anything, I knew it didn't."
"It does mean something to me."
Remus remained silent.
"It means something to me because......I hurt you, Remus. And I need you to know that I never meant for it. I mean........I never knew you had feelings for me. I would have done it if I had kn-"
"don't feed me that load of crap, Sirius." Remus said, with a slight laugh "we both know you probably still would have. You probably did know on some level and that's why you did it. You knew you could. The thing is, we were young and stupid and everyone makes mistakes."
"I just..........I want you to know how sorry I am."
Remus sat up and rested one of his hands on Sirius' arm, "I know, Sirius." He said smiling gentley.
"OK."
"Ok, then." Remus turned to adjust his pillow, "is there anything else or can I go back to sleep now? The full moon's tomorrow night, I really need my rest tonight."
"OH, right! I;m sorry!" Sirius said scrambling to his feet. He headed for the door when suddenly he stopped in his tracks. There was one more thing he needed to know.
"Do you still love me , Remus?"
Sirius heard a sharp intake of breath and knew that Remus had not expected him to ask this. For a moment there was no reply.
"Sirius...........don't ask questions that you really don't want the answer to."
"I do want the answer to this one. Please,, tell me." Remus sat up again, leaning back against his pillow. He shifted so that his elbow was resting on his bent knee, his hand rubbing his forhead like he was in pain. Though the lights were off, Sirius could still make out Remus' face. His eyes were closed and concentrating.
"yes Sirius" he said finally, in a soft voice "I'll always love you."
"As a friend, Remus?"
"Yes ofcourse as a friend Sirius."
Sirius walked over to the edge of the bed and gently force Remus hand away from his face. Remus still refused to look at him.
"Look at me."
Remus sighed and shock his head. Sirius sat down on the bed, "Look at me Remus!" he demanded. Again, Remus refused. Finally, out of frustration, Sirius force Remus' chin up so that their faces were less than an inch apart. Still Remus refused to look him in the eyes.
"Remus, stop playing the coward! Do you still love me?"
"I said I did!"
"As a friend, you said! Do you love me as more than that? Are you still in love with me?"
"Yes!" Remus hissed, finally looking him in the eyes. "are you satisfied?"
Now, Sirius could see that tears had begun to form in Remus' eyes.
"I don't know what I am, I don't know what I feel. But I cant figure that out if you aren't honest with me!"
"What good will come of this!?" Remus cried, the tears flowing freely now, "what do you want from me?"
Sirius loosened his grip on Remus' face, sweeping the light brown hair out of his eyes, wiping the tears away with his thumbs.
"I don't know. But I think I'm figuring it out. Maybe I can learn to love you too."
Remus looked up at him in disgust, "Learn? Learn to love me?" Remus shoved Sirius away and got out of bed.
"I don't want you to 'learn' to love me! That's not love, if you have to 'learn' to do it. It's suppose to come naturally! Either you do or you don't!"
"But Remus- I......I just want to make up for what I've done! And we're so alone now. It's just us." Sirius said walking over to Remus, who was sobbing facing the window., "maybe it wasn't right before. But maybe we can make this work now."
"Oh I see! Out of your lonely desparation, you'd considered being my lover! Well thank you ever so much for your kind and generous offer, but I think I'd rather be alone!"
"Remus please! We can help each other!"
"Please, my darling Sirius, leave my room and go to bed before you insult me more."
"Remus-"
"please Sirius! For me, just leave me alone!"
Sirius could see the desparate plea in Remus' eyes and decided that perhaps Remus was right. They'd sleep on this whole conversation, everything would seem better in the morning. Clearly Remus was being way to emotional tonight, what with the full moon coming tomorrow night. Give him a few days and he'll come around.
"alright then, Good night Remus." Sirius said closing the door. As he walked down the hall he heard noises that sounded as if Remus had sunk to the floor and was quietly sobbing. Yes, he was acting way to emotional indeed.
Later that same night, Sirius was pacing around the living room. He felt anxious and nervous and excited and he wasn't exactly sure as to way that was. This confrontation with Remus had been entirely unnecessary. Or had it been? Was there a reason he had to push this issue with him?? It had been him who forced this upon Remus, It had been him to refused to let it all go unanswered. Why the hell had he acted this way?
He wouldn't let himself believe that that night along time ago had been a night of unrequited love. It hadn't. He had never been in love with Remus. Sure, he loved Remus. As a friend. He knew one hundred percent that he was not secretly harbouring feelings like that for Remus. It had been one night, a nice night, of what he could remember. It really wasn't that unusual for close friends to get physical once in a while. Hell, he and James were not completely innocent of this either. Sure, he never actually slept with James, but he couldn't deny that there had been a few experimental make out sessions in their last couple of years.
And he had never loved James in that sort of manner either. It was curiousity. That was all.
The problem was, however, that he had obviously hurt Remus. Remus said that he had been in love with Sirius all those years ago. Sirius had never had his heart broken. He was always that one to do the heart breaking which never really bothered him until now. Maybe that was because he was a heartless cruel bastard before. Maybe he still was. But it bothered him greatly that Remus had been hurt by Sirius need to get his rocks off. It wasn't fair.
Sometime after Midnight Sirius crept back up the stairs to find Remus bedroom door open and the lights out. Remus was sleeping.
Sirius crept into the room and sat softly on the edge of Remus' bed. He sat there quietly for a few minutes, not saying or doing anything. He didn't really understand what had propelled him to be there. Did he want to comfort Remus? Apologize? Make it up to him with more sex? He didn't know.
A slight shifting let him know that Remus was now awake. However, he too remained silent, patient. Yes Remus had always been the patient one. They sat in silence, both unmoving for what seemed like an hour but was more likely only a few minutes.
"Look," Remus whispered, "let's just forget we ever talked about it."
Sirius licked his lips and sighed, "I don't think it's that easy. I think......." "Yes? What do you think Sirius? Please tell me."
"I.....I think we need to talk about it more."
Remus sighed and rolled on to his back, "I don't know that there is more to say. It's over, it happened a long time ago. It doesn't matter now. Things have changed. There are more important things to discuss."
"but this is important to me."
"Why? How could it be? You said it didn't mean anything, I knew it didn't."
"It does mean something to me."
Remus remained silent.
"It means something to me because......I hurt you, Remus. And I need you to know that I never meant for it. I mean........I never knew you had feelings for me. I would have done it if I had kn-"
"don't feed me that load of crap, Sirius." Remus said, with a slight laugh "we both know you probably still would have. You probably did know on some level and that's why you did it. You knew you could. The thing is, we were young and stupid and everyone makes mistakes."
"I just..........I want you to know how sorry I am."
Remus sat up and rested one of his hands on Sirius' arm, "I know, Sirius." He said smiling gentley.
"OK."
"Ok, then." Remus turned to adjust his pillow, "is there anything else or can I go back to sleep now? The full moon's tomorrow night, I really need my rest tonight."
"OH, right! I;m sorry!" Sirius said scrambling to his feet. He headed for the door when suddenly he stopped in his tracks. There was one more thing he needed to know.
"Do you still love me , Remus?"
Sirius heard a sharp intake of breath and knew that Remus had not expected him to ask this. For a moment there was no reply.
"Sirius...........don't ask questions that you really don't want the answer to."
"I do want the answer to this one. Please,, tell me." Remus sat up again, leaning back against his pillow. He shifted so that his elbow was resting on his bent knee, his hand rubbing his forhead like he was in pain. Though the lights were off, Sirius could still make out Remus' face. His eyes were closed and concentrating.
"yes Sirius" he said finally, in a soft voice "I'll always love you."
"As a friend, Remus?"
"Yes ofcourse as a friend Sirius."
Sirius walked over to the edge of the bed and gently force Remus hand away from his face. Remus still refused to look at him.
"Look at me."
Remus sighed and shock his head. Sirius sat down on the bed, "Look at me Remus!" he demanded. Again, Remus refused. Finally, out of frustration, Sirius force Remus' chin up so that their faces were less than an inch apart. Still Remus refused to look him in the eyes.
"Remus, stop playing the coward! Do you still love me?"
"I said I did!"
"As a friend, you said! Do you love me as more than that? Are you still in love with me?"
"Yes!" Remus hissed, finally looking him in the eyes. "are you satisfied?"
Now, Sirius could see that tears had begun to form in Remus' eyes.
"I don't know what I am, I don't know what I feel. But I cant figure that out if you aren't honest with me!"
"What good will come of this!?" Remus cried, the tears flowing freely now, "what do you want from me?"
Sirius loosened his grip on Remus' face, sweeping the light brown hair out of his eyes, wiping the tears away with his thumbs.
"I don't know. But I think I'm figuring it out. Maybe I can learn to love you too."
Remus looked up at him in disgust, "Learn? Learn to love me?" Remus shoved Sirius away and got out of bed.
"I don't want you to 'learn' to love me! That's not love, if you have to 'learn' to do it. It's suppose to come naturally! Either you do or you don't!"
"But Remus- I......I just want to make up for what I've done! And we're so alone now. It's just us." Sirius said walking over to Remus, who was sobbing facing the window., "maybe it wasn't right before. But maybe we can make this work now."
"Oh I see! Out of your lonely desparation, you'd considered being my lover! Well thank you ever so much for your kind and generous offer, but I think I'd rather be alone!"
"Remus please! We can help each other!"
"Please, my darling Sirius, leave my room and go to bed before you insult me more."
"Remus-"
"please Sirius! For me, just leave me alone!"
Sirius could see the desparate plea in Remus' eyes and decided that perhaps Remus was right. They'd sleep on this whole conversation, everything would seem better in the morning. Clearly Remus was being way to emotional tonight, what with the full moon coming tomorrow night. Give him a few days and he'll come around.
"alright then, Good night Remus." Sirius said closing the door. As he walked down the hall he heard noises that sounded as if Remus had sunk to the floor and was quietly sobbing. Yes, he was acting way to emotional indeed.