INT. SOME STUPID ENGLISH AIRPORT - DAY
RACHEL THOMPSON, along with her big sister HANNAH and her MOTHER gather by a gate. Rachel looks sheepish and is surrounded by two burly security guards.
MRS. RACHEL: Oh, Rayie, honey... I'm so dissapointed in you... my own daughter having to make a public appology in Canada...
Hannah wipes a tear from her eye.
HANNAH: Way to go, sis!
CUT TO: MAIN TITLES
(as "Times Like These" by Foo Fighters plays)
CURTIS ALMIGHTY 2: THIS TIME, IT'S NOT CURTIS ALMIGHTY
DIRECTED BY BREE MANTHA
CREATED BY BREE MANTHA
WRITTEN BY BREE MANTHA WITH HELP FROM THE CAST
SPECIAL THANKS TO KYLAH EIDE, RACHEL THOMPSON, JACKIE, ALYSSA JACQUES, CICI, and as always, DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL
PROPERTY OF DHARKE PRODUCTIONS
BREE MANTHA
RACHEL C. THOMPSON
DEVON SAWA
JACKIE SOMETHING
ALI LARTER
ALYSSA JACQUES
"CICI"
ALI LARTER
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
CHAD DONELLA
MICHAEL LANDES
AJ COOK
KYLAH EIDE
KELSEY EIDE
DEVEN KIVIOJA
JUSTIN LYNN
SHERYL CROW
With special appearances by
THE NORTHERN LIGHTS DANCE TEAM
and
TINNIE as TINNIE
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - COMPUTER ROOM - DAY
POV (UNKNOWN) ALYSSA JACQUES, Bree's best friend, long brown hair and a classic cute face, sits depressed in the window watching the rain fall. She hums 'Walk Don't Run' by the Ventures. BREE sits twirling on the chair. She chants with every rotation.
BREE: Wheeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeee!
ALY: Does it bother you that we've waisted our lives?
Bree halts the spinning and cocks her eyebrow at her friend.
BREE: We're fourteen.
ALY: What if we died tomorrow?
BREE: I never told you the story about the Death experience I had?
Aly gets up from her chair.
ALY: Nope.
BREE: Let's walk and talk.
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
ALY: Wanna make some cookies, just like old times?
Bree smiles insanely and nods with a few eratic giggles.
CUT TO: SAME SETTING - LATER
Bree and Aly dish out cookies onto a tray as Bree recounts the famous story of Curtis Almighty.
BREE: So Rachel saved Tod so that Chimberly could die, and then, uh, let's see... Terry died and the whole town errupted into song and dance... uh, then Ms. Lewton died from the Ring video, and Carter died because God hates him and Officer Irritating's cherry picker rolled down a hill... then we decided to kill the fat mortician.
ALY: Why?
BREE: Just because.
ALY: I wanna meet these crazy characters.
BREE: I wish I could see them again... my friends here all say that they were a figment of my imagination. Even Kylah!!
ALY: Well I at least wanna meet her.
BREE: Well, conveniently, my parents are out gambling for a month, so we have a bunch of free time to do whatever we want!
ALY: Like buy a tiger and dress it up like Elton John?
BREE: No.
They load the cookie tray into the oven.
ALY: It says it'll take an hour. What can we do that takes an hour?
Bree shrugs.
BREE: We can watch Rita Rudner do five minutes of stand up.
They begin walking outside.
ALY: Ba-zing.
CUT TO: INT. SHANIA TWAIN CENTER - SAME TIME
LEEANN, more commonly known as CICI, trudges around boredly staring at Shania Twain's 'I'm Gonna Getcha' outfit.
CICI(to self): If I were Shania Twain, I would be so embarassed.
PAN OUT - an Elvis impersonator stands next to her looking at some exhibits.
ELVIS: How do you think I feel? That half-assed tribute in Memphis?
CICI: What are you talking about? Graceland, man!
Elvis shrugs.
ELVIS: Anyone who believes that I'm dead doesn't deserve to live, baby. I'm gonna go play dodgeball with John Lennon.
He leaves. Cici looks dumbfounded. Bored, she walks around the center and comes to the map at the front. We cannot see the map, but a glimmer of hope in her eyes. She squeals excitedly and runs to the door of the center.
CENTER WORKERS(robotic tone): DON'T LEAVE! SEE THE GOLD MINE!
Cici continues running but the crazy center workers block her in. She looks from side to side desperately, and then, parodying the MATRIX, rises into the air and kicks them all in the face, ignoring the eventual lawsuit. She slowly falls back to the ground, pleased with herself. She runs out into the street.
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S NEIGHBOREHOOD - STILL THE SAME TIME
Aly munches on Swedish Berries. Bree grins and clutches a carton of eggs. They stop calmly.
BREE: Okay, take an egg. On three... One... THREE!
Aly and Bree commense THROWING THE EGGS. PAN ACROSS, the eggs are hitting a homeless person. The bum is asleep, but rolls around in pain as the eggs hit, which, in the end, make it more fun to see the hobo squirm.
ALY: Heh! It's funny because he doesn't have feelings!
They continue to huck the eggs until, much to their dismay, they're out.
They pause and look at each other sadly.
ALY: Well... we had a good run.
BREE: Yeah... let's kick him!!!!
They run up the the bum and shamelessly KICK him. The bum groans rather feminitely.
Bree cocks an eyebrow.
BREE: I'm not about to hurt a sister in need!
She picks up the bum.
BREE: Sorry about that, ma'm - HOLY SHIT!
ALY: What? Did your colon just blow up, too?
BREE: No! It's Jackie?
JACKIE: Sure.
BREE: What the fuck are you doing here?
JACKIE: Uhhh.......... Vegas..... lots of Tequila....... then some guy told me he was the lead guitarist from Dashboard Confessional...... and well, here I am.
BREE: Gasp!
ALY: Gasp!
BREE'S NEIGHBOR MARTIN: Gasp.
CUT TO: HEAVEN
HEADLESS CARTER: Gasp.
CUT TO: Street
BREE: Curses! We'll hose you down and then kill that son of a bitch crappy ass band!
ALY: But I like Dashboard! YOU like Dashboard!
BREE: You shush up! We have to get home and hose Jackie off! And you have to see someone about that colon thing!
ALY: Meh. I can take or leave.
CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE
BILLY, CLEAR, TOD, and ALEX sit happily on a plane.
BILLY: What a crazy six months it's been! Tod got accepted into Yale, Clear proved that post-its are a scam, Alex landed a walk-on role for a scene in CSI that got deleted anyway -
PAN OVER to ALEX who wears sunglasses and a shirt that says 'Mr. Stooperstar.'
BILLY: And I'M able to recognize simple shapes and pattens!
TOD: Billy, that's all great and stuff, but that's all you've been saying for the past hour!
Billy looks wounded... then...
BILLY: What a crazy six months it's been! Tod...
Suddenly some dude stands up.
SOME DUDE(insanely happy): I'm hijaking this airplane!
CROWD: Ooooh! Ahhhh! Eeeee!
SOME DUDE(still insanely happy): Resistance is futile!
He PULLS THE TRIGGER of the gun. A small white flag pops out that says 'Bam.'
SOME DUDE: It just hasn't been the same since I lost my bullet money. (Happy again) Oh well! I've got my friend Victor the Knife!
He brandishes a hunting knife. Clear gets to her knees and begins sneaking out of the aisle. Tod follows her covertly.
BILLY: Alright, stab me!
He clearly doesn't notice his friends escaping.
SOME DUDE: What?
BILLY: Well, growing up, I was always picked on a lot, and I still feel like the underdog... I feel like everyone would be better without me...
(hold for tears)
SOME DUDE: Wow. Me too. I mean I was always short for my age and the other kids made fun of me. I guess this was just a way of saying -
ALEX: Fuck, Billy, just jump!
PAN TO ALEX - Clear LEAPS OUT of the open airplane door, which amazingly doesn't suck the other passengers out OR send Clear into the jet like a giant blender. Tod follows.
ALEX: It's now or never, Billy!
BILLY: But I think I'm having a breakthrough! I finally see a reason to live--
Alex, frustrated, PUSHES HIM OUT of the plane.
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S HOUSE - YARD - Afternoon
The rain has cleared. The ground is soggy. Jackie, dressed in Bree's band camp shirt and those damn silver shorts (where the fuck did they come from, anyway?) stands in the path of the hose, which is being held by Aly. Bree pours an exessive ammound of soap onto her.
ALY: Spread your arms.
SLISH! SPLASH! SPLOSH! Uh... SPLUSH!
Four bodies come PLUMMETING down into the pool. Two seconds later, the amazingly unharmed Alex, Clear, Billy, and Tod emerge from the water. Clear looks around, subtly drawing attention to her breasts, which are nearly visible through her white top.
CLOSE ON ALEX - mouth gaping, almost painfully fixated on Clear.
ALEX'S POV - CLEAR bounces around gracefully like a Bond girl, with women-degrating sixties-style music playing in the BG.
CLEAR(interrupting music): Alex?
ALEX: Yes, honey?
CLEAR: Where the hell are we?
ALEX: This place is so beautiful and natural and run by someone who isn't corrupt, I would say we're in Canada.
CLEAR: And hey, is that our good friend Bree?
ALEX: You bet your sweet nipple it is!
CLEAR: What?
ALEX: I said it is.
CLEAR: Oh.
They climb out of the pool.
TOD: That was lucky.
BREE: Yeah, well, thankfully the airplaines always fly close to my house... I even put a message on my roof that says 'JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB! IT'S FREE!'
Beat
TOD: Does it count with your hand?
Aly TURNS THE HOSE ON TOD.
ALY: Stay the fuck away from me!
She turns the hose off. Tod shivers.
TOD: It's so c-c-cold here!
BREE: I am so fed up with these Canadian Stereotypes!
ALY: Ahem?
She points to a calender on the JANUARY page.
BREE: Oh, right... wow, that's kinda weird, no snow!
Suddenly, a pile of snow FALLS DOWN, causing Tod, Jackie, Clear, Billy, and Alex to turn blue.
BREE: That's more like it. Now come on, let's get inside!
CUT TO: INT. PARLIMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON
RACHEL stands in front of PAUL MARTIN and a whole buncha boring political people.
PAUL MARTIN: Ms. Thompson, for compromising Canada's integrity, we sentence you to eight years in a Canadian prison. What do you have to say to this sentence?
RACHEL: ....................... 23 skidoo!
She RUNS AWAY! Bahh!
INT. BREE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Alex, Clear, Billy, Tod, Jackie, and Aly sit her table. She paces behind the counter.
BREE: It's fate. There's a higher power working behind this.
Aly suddenly sniffs the air. Her eyes widen.
ALY: Five, four, three, two, one.
SFX: Ding!
Aly smiles.
ALY: Cookies are ready.
CLEAR: Nice.
BREE: Anyway, getting back on track, it's not just coincidence that Jackie wakes up freezing on the streets of Timmins after a bender and that you guys jump into my pool from a hijacked airplane.
BILLY: To be fair, I fell. I was going to stay. I think Some Dude really understood me.
TOD: Shut up.
SFX: DING DONG!
Bree, frustrated stalks to the door. She opens it.
INSERT - BREE'S POV - on the ground sits Cici-Inator in a basket. She holds a note. Bree, shocked out of her mind, snatches a note.
BREE(reading): 'I have come to seek refuge from the boring Shania Twain Center tour.' Oh this is too fucking much.
SFX: Ding dong!
BREE(muttering to self): When you're at the front door, they always ring the back door.
She makes her way to the back door and opens it. She faints. And conveniently, her stairs to the basement are right behind her. She continues to fall down until she hits the basement floor. She does not wake up.
Aly comes to the door.
ALY: Hi, I'm Aly.
INSERT: ALY'S POV - RACHEL FREAKIN' THOMPSON stands outside.
RACHEL: Can I stay here?
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
Bree helps Rachel unpack and sets up a matress on the floor.
BREE: I hope you don't mind sharing a room with Aly. She's practically family to me.
RACHEL: It's alright, as long as she doesn't snore, talk in her sleep, or set fire to curtains.
BREE: I think you're safe.
She pulls out a computery-robotic-type thing with Michael Landes' face on it.
BREE: What the fuck is this?
RACHEL: Oh, that's Robo-Officer Irritating. All I need is some hair, a state trooper hat, and some human flesh.
BREE: What specifically makes him Officer Irritating?
RACHEL: This!
She produces a mayonnaise jar full of green fluid and a BRAIN. It's labled THOMAS BURKE.
BREE: Is that... Tommy's brain?
RACHEL: Yeah! I stole it from Bludworth when we shot him!
BREE: Woah. When are you gonna finish?
RACHEL: Hopefully while I'm here. By the way, do you have any glue-on-sparkles?
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - ANDREW'S ROOM - NIGHT
Andrew sits on his bed akwardly as Clear unfolds the Futon that the lucky son of a bitch has in his room.
ANDREW: So...... you, uh... like whipped cream?
CLEAR: Are you kidding? I love that stuff more than life itself?
A glimmer of hope...
ANDREW: Really?
He motions a can of whipped cream on his night stand.
CUT TO: SAME SCENE - LATER
Alex enters and hears Andrew and Clear making pleasured noises.
ALEX: Clear!
CLEAR: It's not what it looks like!
INSERT: ALEX'S POV - CLEAR AND ANDREW are eating cookies smothered in whipped cream.
ANDREW: Hey there, Alex. Cookie?
RACHEL THOMPSON, along with her big sister HANNAH and her MOTHER gather by a gate. Rachel looks sheepish and is surrounded by two burly security guards.
MRS. RACHEL: Oh, Rayie, honey... I'm so dissapointed in you... my own daughter having to make a public appology in Canada...
Hannah wipes a tear from her eye.
HANNAH: Way to go, sis!
CUT TO: MAIN TITLES
(as "Times Like These" by Foo Fighters plays)
CURTIS ALMIGHTY 2: THIS TIME, IT'S NOT CURTIS ALMIGHTY
DIRECTED BY BREE MANTHA
CREATED BY BREE MANTHA
WRITTEN BY BREE MANTHA WITH HELP FROM THE CAST
SPECIAL THANKS TO KYLAH EIDE, RACHEL THOMPSON, JACKIE, ALYSSA JACQUES, CICI, and as always, DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL
PROPERTY OF DHARKE PRODUCTIONS
BREE MANTHA
RACHEL C. THOMPSON
DEVON SAWA
JACKIE SOMETHING
ALI LARTER
ALYSSA JACQUES
"CICI"
ALI LARTER
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
CHAD DONELLA
MICHAEL LANDES
AJ COOK
KYLAH EIDE
KELSEY EIDE
DEVEN KIVIOJA
JUSTIN LYNN
SHERYL CROW
With special appearances by
THE NORTHERN LIGHTS DANCE TEAM
and
TINNIE as TINNIE
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - COMPUTER ROOM - DAY
POV (UNKNOWN) ALYSSA JACQUES, Bree's best friend, long brown hair and a classic cute face, sits depressed in the window watching the rain fall. She hums 'Walk Don't Run' by the Ventures. BREE sits twirling on the chair. She chants with every rotation.
BREE: Wheeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeee!
ALY: Does it bother you that we've waisted our lives?
Bree halts the spinning and cocks her eyebrow at her friend.
BREE: We're fourteen.
ALY: What if we died tomorrow?
BREE: I never told you the story about the Death experience I had?
Aly gets up from her chair.
ALY: Nope.
BREE: Let's walk and talk.
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
ALY: Wanna make some cookies, just like old times?
Bree smiles insanely and nods with a few eratic giggles.
CUT TO: SAME SETTING - LATER
Bree and Aly dish out cookies onto a tray as Bree recounts the famous story of Curtis Almighty.
BREE: So Rachel saved Tod so that Chimberly could die, and then, uh, let's see... Terry died and the whole town errupted into song and dance... uh, then Ms. Lewton died from the Ring video, and Carter died because God hates him and Officer Irritating's cherry picker rolled down a hill... then we decided to kill the fat mortician.
ALY: Why?
BREE: Just because.
ALY: I wanna meet these crazy characters.
BREE: I wish I could see them again... my friends here all say that they were a figment of my imagination. Even Kylah!!
ALY: Well I at least wanna meet her.
BREE: Well, conveniently, my parents are out gambling for a month, so we have a bunch of free time to do whatever we want!
ALY: Like buy a tiger and dress it up like Elton John?
BREE: No.
They load the cookie tray into the oven.
ALY: It says it'll take an hour. What can we do that takes an hour?
Bree shrugs.
BREE: We can watch Rita Rudner do five minutes of stand up.
They begin walking outside.
ALY: Ba-zing.
CUT TO: INT. SHANIA TWAIN CENTER - SAME TIME
LEEANN, more commonly known as CICI, trudges around boredly staring at Shania Twain's 'I'm Gonna Getcha' outfit.
CICI(to self): If I were Shania Twain, I would be so embarassed.
PAN OUT - an Elvis impersonator stands next to her looking at some exhibits.
ELVIS: How do you think I feel? That half-assed tribute in Memphis?
CICI: What are you talking about? Graceland, man!
Elvis shrugs.
ELVIS: Anyone who believes that I'm dead doesn't deserve to live, baby. I'm gonna go play dodgeball with John Lennon.
He leaves. Cici looks dumbfounded. Bored, she walks around the center and comes to the map at the front. We cannot see the map, but a glimmer of hope in her eyes. She squeals excitedly and runs to the door of the center.
CENTER WORKERS(robotic tone): DON'T LEAVE! SEE THE GOLD MINE!
Cici continues running but the crazy center workers block her in. She looks from side to side desperately, and then, parodying the MATRIX, rises into the air and kicks them all in the face, ignoring the eventual lawsuit. She slowly falls back to the ground, pleased with herself. She runs out into the street.
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S NEIGHBOREHOOD - STILL THE SAME TIME
Aly munches on Swedish Berries. Bree grins and clutches a carton of eggs. They stop calmly.
BREE: Okay, take an egg. On three... One... THREE!
Aly and Bree commense THROWING THE EGGS. PAN ACROSS, the eggs are hitting a homeless person. The bum is asleep, but rolls around in pain as the eggs hit, which, in the end, make it more fun to see the hobo squirm.
ALY: Heh! It's funny because he doesn't have feelings!
They continue to huck the eggs until, much to their dismay, they're out.
They pause and look at each other sadly.
ALY: Well... we had a good run.
BREE: Yeah... let's kick him!!!!
They run up the the bum and shamelessly KICK him. The bum groans rather feminitely.
Bree cocks an eyebrow.
BREE: I'm not about to hurt a sister in need!
She picks up the bum.
BREE: Sorry about that, ma'm - HOLY SHIT!
ALY: What? Did your colon just blow up, too?
BREE: No! It's Jackie?
JACKIE: Sure.
BREE: What the fuck are you doing here?
JACKIE: Uhhh.......... Vegas..... lots of Tequila....... then some guy told me he was the lead guitarist from Dashboard Confessional...... and well, here I am.
BREE: Gasp!
ALY: Gasp!
BREE'S NEIGHBOR MARTIN: Gasp.
CUT TO: HEAVEN
HEADLESS CARTER: Gasp.
CUT TO: Street
BREE: Curses! We'll hose you down and then kill that son of a bitch crappy ass band!
ALY: But I like Dashboard! YOU like Dashboard!
BREE: You shush up! We have to get home and hose Jackie off! And you have to see someone about that colon thing!
ALY: Meh. I can take or leave.
CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE
BILLY, CLEAR, TOD, and ALEX sit happily on a plane.
BILLY: What a crazy six months it's been! Tod got accepted into Yale, Clear proved that post-its are a scam, Alex landed a walk-on role for a scene in CSI that got deleted anyway -
PAN OVER to ALEX who wears sunglasses and a shirt that says 'Mr. Stooperstar.'
BILLY: And I'M able to recognize simple shapes and pattens!
TOD: Billy, that's all great and stuff, but that's all you've been saying for the past hour!
Billy looks wounded... then...
BILLY: What a crazy six months it's been! Tod...
Suddenly some dude stands up.
SOME DUDE(insanely happy): I'm hijaking this airplane!
CROWD: Ooooh! Ahhhh! Eeeee!
SOME DUDE(still insanely happy): Resistance is futile!
He PULLS THE TRIGGER of the gun. A small white flag pops out that says 'Bam.'
SOME DUDE: It just hasn't been the same since I lost my bullet money. (Happy again) Oh well! I've got my friend Victor the Knife!
He brandishes a hunting knife. Clear gets to her knees and begins sneaking out of the aisle. Tod follows her covertly.
BILLY: Alright, stab me!
He clearly doesn't notice his friends escaping.
SOME DUDE: What?
BILLY: Well, growing up, I was always picked on a lot, and I still feel like the underdog... I feel like everyone would be better without me...
(hold for tears)
SOME DUDE: Wow. Me too. I mean I was always short for my age and the other kids made fun of me. I guess this was just a way of saying -
ALEX: Fuck, Billy, just jump!
PAN TO ALEX - Clear LEAPS OUT of the open airplane door, which amazingly doesn't suck the other passengers out OR send Clear into the jet like a giant blender. Tod follows.
ALEX: It's now or never, Billy!
BILLY: But I think I'm having a breakthrough! I finally see a reason to live--
Alex, frustrated, PUSHES HIM OUT of the plane.
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S HOUSE - YARD - Afternoon
The rain has cleared. The ground is soggy. Jackie, dressed in Bree's band camp shirt and those damn silver shorts (where the fuck did they come from, anyway?) stands in the path of the hose, which is being held by Aly. Bree pours an exessive ammound of soap onto her.
ALY: Spread your arms.
SLISH! SPLASH! SPLOSH! Uh... SPLUSH!
Four bodies come PLUMMETING down into the pool. Two seconds later, the amazingly unharmed Alex, Clear, Billy, and Tod emerge from the water. Clear looks around, subtly drawing attention to her breasts, which are nearly visible through her white top.
CLOSE ON ALEX - mouth gaping, almost painfully fixated on Clear.
ALEX'S POV - CLEAR bounces around gracefully like a Bond girl, with women-degrating sixties-style music playing in the BG.
CLEAR(interrupting music): Alex?
ALEX: Yes, honey?
CLEAR: Where the hell are we?
ALEX: This place is so beautiful and natural and run by someone who isn't corrupt, I would say we're in Canada.
CLEAR: And hey, is that our good friend Bree?
ALEX: You bet your sweet nipple it is!
CLEAR: What?
ALEX: I said it is.
CLEAR: Oh.
They climb out of the pool.
TOD: That was lucky.
BREE: Yeah, well, thankfully the airplaines always fly close to my house... I even put a message on my roof that says 'JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB! IT'S FREE!'
Beat
TOD: Does it count with your hand?
Aly TURNS THE HOSE ON TOD.
ALY: Stay the fuck away from me!
She turns the hose off. Tod shivers.
TOD: It's so c-c-cold here!
BREE: I am so fed up with these Canadian Stereotypes!
ALY: Ahem?
She points to a calender on the JANUARY page.
BREE: Oh, right... wow, that's kinda weird, no snow!
Suddenly, a pile of snow FALLS DOWN, causing Tod, Jackie, Clear, Billy, and Alex to turn blue.
BREE: That's more like it. Now come on, let's get inside!
CUT TO: INT. PARLIMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON
RACHEL stands in front of PAUL MARTIN and a whole buncha boring political people.
PAUL MARTIN: Ms. Thompson, for compromising Canada's integrity, we sentence you to eight years in a Canadian prison. What do you have to say to this sentence?
RACHEL: ....................... 23 skidoo!
She RUNS AWAY! Bahh!
INT. BREE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Alex, Clear, Billy, Tod, Jackie, and Aly sit her table. She paces behind the counter.
BREE: It's fate. There's a higher power working behind this.
Aly suddenly sniffs the air. Her eyes widen.
ALY: Five, four, three, two, one.
SFX: Ding!
Aly smiles.
ALY: Cookies are ready.
CLEAR: Nice.
BREE: Anyway, getting back on track, it's not just coincidence that Jackie wakes up freezing on the streets of Timmins after a bender and that you guys jump into my pool from a hijacked airplane.
BILLY: To be fair, I fell. I was going to stay. I think Some Dude really understood me.
TOD: Shut up.
SFX: DING DONG!
Bree, frustrated stalks to the door. She opens it.
INSERT - BREE'S POV - on the ground sits Cici-Inator in a basket. She holds a note. Bree, shocked out of her mind, snatches a note.
BREE(reading): 'I have come to seek refuge from the boring Shania Twain Center tour.' Oh this is too fucking much.
SFX: Ding dong!
BREE(muttering to self): When you're at the front door, they always ring the back door.
She makes her way to the back door and opens it. She faints. And conveniently, her stairs to the basement are right behind her. She continues to fall down until she hits the basement floor. She does not wake up.
Aly comes to the door.
ALY: Hi, I'm Aly.
INSERT: ALY'S POV - RACHEL FREAKIN' THOMPSON stands outside.
RACHEL: Can I stay here?
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
Bree helps Rachel unpack and sets up a matress on the floor.
BREE: I hope you don't mind sharing a room with Aly. She's practically family to me.
RACHEL: It's alright, as long as she doesn't snore, talk in her sleep, or set fire to curtains.
BREE: I think you're safe.
She pulls out a computery-robotic-type thing with Michael Landes' face on it.
BREE: What the fuck is this?
RACHEL: Oh, that's Robo-Officer Irritating. All I need is some hair, a state trooper hat, and some human flesh.
BREE: What specifically makes him Officer Irritating?
RACHEL: This!
She produces a mayonnaise jar full of green fluid and a BRAIN. It's labled THOMAS BURKE.
BREE: Is that... Tommy's brain?
RACHEL: Yeah! I stole it from Bludworth when we shot him!
BREE: Woah. When are you gonna finish?
RACHEL: Hopefully while I'm here. By the way, do you have any glue-on-sparkles?
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - ANDREW'S ROOM - NIGHT
Andrew sits on his bed akwardly as Clear unfolds the Futon that the lucky son of a bitch has in his room.
ANDREW: So...... you, uh... like whipped cream?
CLEAR: Are you kidding? I love that stuff more than life itself?
A glimmer of hope...
ANDREW: Really?
He motions a can of whipped cream on his night stand.
CUT TO: SAME SCENE - LATER
Alex enters and hears Andrew and Clear making pleasured noises.
ALEX: Clear!
CLEAR: It's not what it looks like!
INSERT: ALEX'S POV - CLEAR AND ANDREW are eating cookies smothered in whipped cream.
ANDREW: Hey there, Alex. Cookie?