Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers... I feel like you are my review monkeys. Now dance for me, monkeys!

This chapter is deticated to the achievements of Kylah Margaret Eide. FIRST PLACE! I am so PROUD of you, Special K!

BLACK

Slowly, the black is pushed aside and it seems that the world opens up to reveal Andrew's bedroom, as if looking through someone's eyes. And that someone sees

CICI, excitedly staring at whoever the POV belongs to.

CICI: Hi. Hi.

CUT TO: ANDREW'S ROOM - MORNING - CLEAR sits up in bed with Cici looking dreamily next to her.

CLEAR: What time is it?

CICI: Nine. Hey, guess what? I sorted out your bag and I made you pancakes and I ate the pancakes so I made you bacon and eggs.

CLEAR: I don't eat red meat -

CICI: Turkey bacon!

She plops a MEAL TRAY down on Clear's lap with a very elegant-looking meal. Clear akwardly picks at it with her fork while Cici sighs as if gazing at Desmond Harrington.

CICI: (dramatic sigh)

CLEAR: Uh... do you want something?

CICI: Ali, what's Amy Smart really like off camera?

CLEAR: You mean the one from Road Trip?

CICI: Yeah! Is she, like, really snooty, or kind of home-y, or is she really low-profile?

CLEAR: I really don't know what you're talking about.

CICI: Ohhh, and what's it like kissing Colin Farrel?

CLEAR: I wouldn't know, now would you-

CICI: And I am TOTALLY jealous of you getting to work with Reese Witherspoon!

CLEAR: Who?

CICI: And... what do you mean, WHO? 'Election?' 'Fear?' Wha...?

Cici begins to cry and runs out of the room.

CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Bree puts on her green jacket in the unseasonably warm weather. She smiles happily.

BREE: It's been so long, old pal.

TOD: Are we going anywhere today?

Aly enters with a bottle of barbecue sauce and a stuffed cow.

ALY: We're going to TH to bribe Mr. Delich to give Bree an alibi for not showing up until... well, I'm sure she'll NEVER go back. Then we're going to the barbecue sauce emporium to buy some Awesome Barbecue Sauce.

BREE: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? THERE IS NO BARBECUE SAUCE EMPORIUM IN TIMMINS!!!

ALY: You can kill the dreamer but you can't kill the dream!

BREE: Whatever, get dressed, we have to make a stop at Beattie first - pick up some valve oil and see my favouritest teacher, Mrs. Command!

RACHEL: And let's not forget Kelsey!

JACKIE: I hate to interrupt the happiness, but I have a feeling I should be working on paying off my gambling depts and getting back at Dashboard. I mean, I can charge them with kidnapping me and taking me across international boarders, which in the end would make me richer than an astronaut.

Beat

JACKIE: Er, just kidding.

CUT TO: INT. R. ROSS BEATTIE SR. PUBLIC SCHOOL - DAY

Bree walks the halls with confidence while the stupid pre-teen girls faint as Billy walks by.

BILLY: (under breath) I don't understand! I put on deodorant!

That stupid girl with the mole by her eye enters from a classroom door and screams.

STUPID GIRL WITH THE MOLE BY HER EYE: OH MY GOD! It's ALI LARTER!

Clear glares at CICI, as if to say, 'did you have anything to do with this?'

They somehow make it into the music room, where Mrs. Command is busy teaching a class. The seventh graders IMMEDIATELY turn their heads to the celebrities!

INSERT: KIDS POV - BILLY

KIDS(o.s.): It's Seann William Scott!

PAN TO - KIDS POV - CLEAR

KIDS: It's Ali Larter!

PAN TO - ALEX

KIDS: It's Devon Sawa!

PAN TO - TOD

Beat and akward silence

TOD: I don't have to fucking impress you.

He walks out of the room and slams the door.

The kids all crowd around the three and start clawing at them.

BILLY: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

The remaining stand around, worried.

BREE: Oh, sweet Buddha, where'd Aly go?

KID(o.s.): Hey, YOU'RE not famous!

Aly is suddenly TOSSED AWAY from the crowd.

ALY(sobbing): Their hands were everywhere!

CLEAR: Ahhhh! My hair! My perfectly flat-ironed hair!

CICI: I'LL save you!

The music from 'Six Million Dollar Man' plays as she picks up a trombone and, 'Jim from American Pie'-style, pokes all the kids in the eye with the slide.

KID1: Ow!

KID2: My face! My undeveloped face!

Finally, the kids are all crying on the ground and one is bleeding from the eyes. One doesn't move at all. Clear gets up cautiously and approaches Cici.

CLEAR: Gee, thanks, Cici.

Cici stands proudly with her hands on her hips.

CICI: I did it for the children.

SFX: DOOR SLAM

with

CUT TO: EXT. RRB - DAY

CICI: Okay, how was I supposed to know we would banned for life?

BREE: You KILLED Steph Baker!

CICI: She'll walk it off!

ALY: Hey... where's Tod?

CUT TO: INT. RRB - GYM - DAY

Tod stands akwardly wearing a blue and yellow gym uniform in a room full of basketball-wielding 13-year-olds. His eyes dart around nervously as the kids stare daggers at him. Mr. Kratofil bounces a basketball, intimidating eyes.

TOD: Mr. Kratofil, sir, I don't go to this school!

MR. KRATOFIL: Now, Tod, I just don't think that's true! Now, kids, what do we do to liars?

INSERT - KIDS' POV - TOD stands in the center of the gym and is hit by a barrage of basketballs. He falls over in pain.

CUT TO: INT. TIMMINS HIGH AND VOCATINOAL SCHOOL - DAY

Billy, Clear, and Alex have magazines hiked up over their faces so they cannot be seen. Tod walks with a limp. Rachel pulls a tall boy aside.

RACHEL: Are you Justin?

JUSTIN: Yeah.

RACHEL: The one that married Bree?

JUSTIN: Errrrr...... yeah... boy, was I hammered!

Rachel strikes him with her WAL MART BAT!

RACHEL: That's for not paying alimony!

Justin falls on the ground, face down.

JUSTIN: What-dimony?

Bree calls out to certain people.

BREE: Hey, Muffin Man.

KEEGAN: Hello to you!

BREE: Leave me alone. Heyy, Lunchbox! Oh, hi, Fuckface, how's it goin?

RACHEL: KYLAHHHH!!!!!

They all turn around to see Deven and Kylah sittin against the wall like they do every day. Kylah smiles Kylah-ishly.

KYLAH: I'm READING!

RACHEL: That's nice.

Kylah stands up and re-greets everyone. Rachel smiles between Tod and Kylah.

RACHEL: The resemblance is so obvious - you two could be brother and sister!

TOD+KYLAH: Eww!

BREE(sweetly): It's just like that scene in 'Eurotrip!'

Tod turns around.

TOD(to self): Sister? Blast! How can I ever love her if we're related?

KYLAH(to Rachel): I do NOT look like him! Stop saying that!

They have a catfight and all the stupid lame-brained high school guys think it's sooo cool.

The rest of the gang is silent though. Deven akwardly approaches Tod.

DEVEN: Hey. I'm Deven.

TOD: GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!

They start fighting too. Soon almost everyone is joined in the fight. Aly runs by triumphantly with a lock of someone's hair and runs the other way, now carrying a hammer. Only Bree and Jackie are staying out of the fight. Bree suddenly eyes Jackie, who's still wearing her clothes.

BREE: Is THAT my WRISTWATCH?

They start to fight.

FREEZE IN TABLEAU

TINNIE(narrating)(v.o.): Folks in Hazard County hadn't seen a good wristwatch fight in years.

UNFREEZE

FIGHT CONTINUES

CUT TO: INT. MACDONALDS - DAY

BREE, who is full of bruises, carries over a tray of milkshakes to the table, where everyone sits. They all have terrible injuries inflicted on them. The camera PANS ACROSS each individual to display their newfound deformities.

DEVEN is wearing a neckbrace.

TOD's arm is in a cast.

CLEAR is missing a tooth.

KYLAH has a bottle smashed into her head.

ALY is terribly bruised and is wearing an eyepatch.

BREE: Take that off!

ALY: No! ARR, Maytee!

JACKIE is busy wiping blood off her arm and then turns to

CICI, who is attempting to hold in the blood gushing out of her forehead.

ALEX unwraps an electrical cord from BILLY'S neck.

RACHEL is desperately scrubbing her hands.

RACHEL: Cici! Cici! The blood! It won't come off!

CICI: Calm down, Lady MacBeath.

RACHEL: Oh, wait, there it goes.

The blood comes off.

CLEAR: What am I going to do about my missing tooth?

RACHEL: Grow it back straightly.

ALY: Naw, we don't have to worry. Like, remember that episode of Family Guy where Peter's boss died and he lost his job and the next episode everything was back to normal?

INSERT: SAME SCENE SAME TIME - DIFFERENT POV

Everyone is now fully healed.

ALY: What did I tell ya? Arr, maytee!

BREE: Give me the eyepatch!

Aly SNATCHES it away.

ALY: NO! MINE!

BILLY: So are we going to go home?

BREE: Home? No, no, no, not my house. My house is NOT your home! My house is just a place where I sleep and eat!

ALEX: And where your super cool American friends visit!

BREE: YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND! YOU'RE A CHARACTER!

Clear WINKS seductively at Alex.

CLEAR: You SURE are!

BREE: UGH!!! Look, if we're going to stay at my house, we have to set some ground rules. First of all, Kylah and Deven, you guys have your OWN HOUSES! So I don't wanna see any hanky panky!

DEVEN: What are you talking about? She doesn't even let me HUG her in public!

TOD(under breath): That's because you don't love her the way I do.

DEVEN: What?

TOD: I said my McNuggets taste super.

BREE: Secondly, Alex, Clear, I know you guys have a... er... 'healthy' relationship, but I don't think it's appropriate to have sex in front of my brother.

CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - ANDREW'S ROOM - DAY

Andrew SITS ON HIS BED, with his knees to his chest, PALE as a GHOST, shaking and shuttering like one of the loonies in Clear's assylum.

CUT BACK TO MCDONALDS

BREE: Third: Cici, give Clear her space.

CICI(to self): Her name is Ali... (turns to Kylah) We're gonna be roommates some day. I'm going to go to Hollywood parties and meet her famous friends!

KYLAH: Hmmm... One is famous, one isn't! I get it! I smell a sitcom!

BREE: Fourth: Rachel, do something constructive for a change - like building that robot instead of knocking Justin out... Rachel? Rachel, did you hear me?

Rachel is listening to her DISCMAN.

BREE: RACHEL!!!!!!!

RACHEL: Woopsie.

She pulls off the headphones.

BREE: Did you hear what I said?

RACHEL: Uh, yeah. Do in construction workers... build a robot to knock out Justin...

BREE: Uhhh, you know what? You're close enough. Fifth, Tod, control your hormones and your anger. Let's face it... you just ain't that attractive. And sixth, Tinnie, be sure to provide a relieving comical narration between scenes.

REMOVE SOUND as the characters SPEAK to one another HAPPILY. We hear sentimental, cheezy music.

TINNIE(v.o.): And so the friends talked long into the afternoon and learned to function as a society... for about an hour.

CUT TO: MONTAGE - BG MUSIC: "I ONLY EAT CANDY" by NERF HERDER

- Cic plucks some hairs off of Clear's sweater and adds them to a ball.

- Rachel uses a wrench to screw something into the robot.

- Andrew sits against his closet door, traumatized, and we can see between the cracks Alex and Clear having crazy monkey sex.

- Aly eats barbecue sauce with a fork.

- Sparky puts a brown wig on a bucket with painted on eyes and a silly smile. She labels it 'Robo-Kimberly.'

- Kelsey and Kylah walk down the sidewalk together. Tod rushes up to them and punches out Kelsey.

- Rachel shuts the latch on the robot's 'head,' closing in his brain. She stands it up... it is THE actual Officer Irritating.

- Kelsey sobs while Tod repeatedly steps on her and Kylah screams at him.

TINNIE(v.o.): END MONTAGE!!!!!

Montage Ends, CUT TO BLACK

TINNIE(v.o.): I love this job. Hey, Lucy, gemme a beer!

SFX: Beer can opens.

TINNIE(v.o.): Mmmmmm... grood... I mean good... and great... great and good.