Note: Since the writing of chapter two, Deven and Kylah have broken up, but remained friends. Justin is a friend of ours who I always thought would make an interesting character.
INT. BREE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - Rachel sits on the couch lazily with a remote in hand. Light shines on her as if from a TV. ENTER JACKIE.
JACKIE: Rachel!!!
Rachel, in shock, falls off the couch.
RACHEL: Fuck, Jackie, I was watching Price Is Right!!
JACKIE: It doesn't matter! That stupid Robo-Tommy is tried to make my bed again! And then he was all like (robotic tone) "hey. I'm a cop."
RACHEL: Do you dare diss Robo-Tommy? What about that robo-Chimberly? It's nothing but a bucket and a... wig... thing...
Jackie begins tearing up.
JACKIE: It's not her fault! Her brain was supposed to be in by now!
She runs out.
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S GARAGE - DAY - Dharke walks to the mail slot to check if there are any letters. She cocks an eyebrow at the sight of a hole in the wall and stares at the mail box which contains...
RACHEL'S POV - A LARGE PACKAGE is placed on top of the letters. It is stamed: WARNING: MAY CONTAIN BRAIN.
Rachel smiles cleverly and gingerly unwraps the pack. Inside is a mayonnaise jar with a brain, similar to the one with Offiri's brain, with the label 'Corman, Kimberly.' Rachel covertly tucks the jar under her sweater.
CUT TO: BLACK
We can see nothing, but we can hear Rachel cheerfully humming the 'Super Mario Brothers' theme.
RACHEL(o.s.): Hey, Cici! Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S GARAGE - NIGHT
INSERT - UNKNOWN POV - Cici's hair draped over the back of the clair. Pan around and we see - she is tied to a chair and blindfolded. A lamp swings around like in an old movie.
A dark figure approaches. It looks like it could be...
Kimberly.
She evilly approaches Cici and rips the blindfold off. Cici screams wildly.
ROBO-KIMMIE(chirpy): We are going to be the best of friends!
CICI: GET THE FUCK AWAY FORM ME YOU COW!
Enter Aly
With the slam of a door, she enters the garage carrying a garbage bag. She puts it in the garbage can. She suddenly notices Cici and looks at them strangely. Robo-Chimmie is sitting on Cici's lap. Cici is scared out of her mind.
CICI: Hel-LO?
ALY: ... Whatever.
She leaves!
INTERCUT with an SFX of a CAMERA CLICK - on a page of a book, a picture of Chimmie sitting on the bound Cici's lap sits over:
"re·venge (ree-venj)
tr.v. re·venged, re·veng·ing, re·veng·es
To inflict punishment in return for (injury or insult).
To seek or take vengeance for (oneself or another person); avenge.
INT. BREE'S GARAGE - DAY
A light casts a bluish glow over the back door. ENTER RACHEL, wearing a bathrobe over pink heart pajama pants and fuzzy slipers. She looks tired and yawns.
She walks over to the mail slot to get the paper. As soon as it's in her hand, she looks over and jumps.
PAN OUT - Cici's still in the chair, asleep. Rachel looks with pitty and reluctantly pulls a Sharpie marker out of her pocket. She tiptoes over to Cici, cautiously unties her arms and legs, and begins drawing on her face.
INSERT - RACHEL'S POV - Cici's face now features a moustache, a ring around her eye, some spots on the cheek, and a few little choice phrases scribbled on. She turns away from Cici for a moment and looks towards the cieling.
RACHEL: Dear Lord, I'm not normally a praying woman, but thank you, thank you for gracing me with this brain.
She walks off. FOCUS IN on a piece of paper on her back.
"Kick me."
CLOSE IN - Cici smiles devilishly.
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Aly microwaves some bacon. She looks over as she hears the door slam. A smile appears on her face and her eyes light up.
ALY: 'KICK ME!'
She runs down the room and kicks RACHEL in the back.
EXT. BREE'S YARD - DAY
The snow is strangely gone. Alex, Rachel, and Kylah jump on the trampoline. Kylah does a cartwheel. Alex falls on his ass. Robo Kimberly joins Aly on the deck.
ROBO-KIMBERLY: Hi.
Aly shows no response.
ROBO-KIMBERLY: Where's Leann? She has such nice hair. I just love to brush it.
Still no response from Aly.
ROBO-KIMBERLY: I would kill for your figure.
Aly looks around for something interesting to happen, then cracks a smile when CICI falls OUT OF A TREE.
CICI: Owwwww! My vagina!!!!
ALY: What were you going in there?
CICI: Hiding from Robo-Kimberly!
ALY: ROBO? She's a ROBOT?
CICI: Well we killed the real Kimberly six months ago!
ALY: Why didn't you say so?
Without hesitation, Aly slides behind Robo-Kimberly, who is still blabbing on about how she wishes she were "thinner." Aly pushes her strongly into the pool.
The robot EXPLODES and showers metal debris into the yard. Bree ducks down and then slowly gets up.
BREE: Everyone okay?
INSERT - BREE'S POV - TRAMPOLINE - Kylah and Rachel bounce, unbeknownst to Alex, who is choking and reacting to a jagged metal piece of Robo-Debris in his throat (think 'Ms. Lewton in FD.') and bump into Alex simultaniously. Alex stumbles backwards, then, in mid-bounce, flies over the fence, hits the big birch tree and falls, dead, to the ground.
Another figure tumbles out of the birch tree.
Everyone, concerned, makes their way around the fence to see the commotion.
Bree, Rachel, Aly, Cici, and Jackie stand over the dead bodies of Alex and Sheryl Crow. Aly looks from side to side.
ALY: Want me to get a garbage bag?
JACKIE: We've got to do the honerable thing here. We've got to sew up their wonds, put them in some decent clothes and... play Weekend at Bernies.
CICI: Well, who's gonna notice that that leather muppet is dead anyway? Better he's dead now than before he gets fat.
RACHEL: You seem to be confused, Ci, he's still Alex, he's not Devon Sawa.
CICI: Oh... well then it doesn't matter! He was gonna die anyway!
RACHEL: 'Cause he forgot to -
JACKIE BREE AND CICI: Eat brickfast.
Beat
ALY: I don't get it.
RACHEL: Really?
Rachel puts her arm around Aly and they walk away.
RACHEL(in distance): Wanna know what Kimberly said when she woke up from her first premonition? ...
JACKIE: So I say we set Alex on fire and hope that he disintigrates before Bree's parents get home. Now about Sheryl Crow...
Sheryl suddenly stands up and brushes off her pants.
SHERYL: Woo hoo! E! Hollywood True Story here I come!
They look around.
BREE: What the fuck are you talking about?
SHERYL: Pain. Scandal. Robots! The tragic story of Sheryl Crow's shattered pelvis!
CICI: But you're walking fine!
SHERYL: That's what you think! I have previous footage of me limping around AND I know a guy who'll make me an ass cast with no questions.
BREE: Footage?
SHERYL: Yeah, your neighbore helped with that.
PAN UP - on BREE'S ROOF her 76-year-old neighbore MARTIN sits with a video camera.
BREE: MARTIN GET DOWN FROM THERE!
MARTIN: Aww, you suck!
UNKNOWN POV - ACROSS THE STREET - MARTIN'S WIFE CECILLE emerges from his house.
CECILLE: MARTIN, YOUR DINNER'S GETTING COLD!
MARTIN: Man...
Martin turns around and walks to the front of the roof, dropping the camera onto the ground but not noticing. PAN DOWN to where Cici, Jackie, Bree, and Sheryl stand. Jackie dashes and picks up the camera. She checks it and exclaims with delight -
JACKIE: Yes! We have footage of you admiting it was a setup!
Sheryl lunges for the camera but Jackie tosses it to Cici, who taunts Sheryl some more and tosses it to Bree until they are in a full-fledged game of Keepaway. Sheryl catches the camera in the middle of the air and shoves it down her throat!
SHERYL: Ha! Evidence my ass!
SFX - a weird whining noise from inside Sheryl's stomach. She motions her stomach.
SHERYL: I better go get this pumped or something.
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
JACKIE sits on the couch, chin in hands, staring at the TV. PAN AROUND - on the TV is FD2, one of Kimberly's scenes. She sighs heavily and rewinds it to the beginning of the scene, and repeats this several times.
ENTER KELSEY
KELSEY: Y'alright?
Jackie BURSTS INTO TEARS
Kelsey, being oh-so-matoure, sits down next to her and puts her arm over her shoulder.
KELSEY: There there. No need to get so emotional.
JACKIE: Robo-Kimberly is DEAD!
KELSEY: Yeah, dead as a dornail... BUT it doesn't matter!
JACKIE: Yes, it does!
KELSEY(shrieking like an angry freak): NO IT DOESN'T!
JACKIE: But I'm not having as much fun here as I thought I would! Everyone else has sub-plots. Bree and Aly have their test of friendship, Rachel has her destructiveness, Cici has her obsessions, Kylah is dealing with Tod's love, Justin is... in Breanna's kitchen?
INSERT - JACKIE'S POV - JUSTIN stands in the kitchen, eating a carrot.
JUSTIN: What's up, dock?
CUT BACK
KELSEY: I know what'll get you a good sub-plot!
JACKIE: What?
KELSEY: Some trouble with the law!
CUT TO - INT. BREE'S MOM'S VAN - DAY
Kelsey and Jackie sit in the front seats, with Kylah and Deven in the back.
JACKIE: You've done this before?
Kelsey grips the wheel.
KELSEY: Not in this particular van... but yeah, I've done it before.
CUT TO - EXT. BREE'S STREET - DAY - The tires SCREECH as Kelsey drives the van, swerving down the street.
INT. VAN - Kelsey smiles gleefully as she drives like a madman and Jackie looks ready to hurl. IN THE BACK, Deven and Kylah are seemingly having fun.
KYLAH: MY ASTHMA!
KELSEY: Where's your puffer?
KYLAH: Uhm.... awwww, crap, I left it at the dance studio!
Kelsey SLAMS on the BREAKS! Jackie lurches forward. Kelsey raises her hand triumphantly.
KELSEY: TO THE DANCE STUDIO!
CUT TO: INT. PORCUPINE MALL - DAY
Kylah, Kelsey, and Deven walk up to the studio. Jackie follows nervously.
JACKIE: She's not open on Sundays, is she?
KYLAH: No, you're right. So we drove out here for nothing?!
DEVEN: Nope! I has the solution!
They look at him with anticipation!
DEVEN: A HAMMER!
He produces a shiny hammer. He approaches the door and smashes it open violently. They walk through. Soon, in a brief montage of smashing, they smash the TROPHY CASE, VENDING MACHINE, LOCKERS, and WINDOWS.
KYLAH: Oh, wait, here's my puffer.
DEVEN: Who cares, less talky, more smashy!
NANCY DELMONTE(o.s.): KYLAH! KELSEY! .... KYLAH'S FRIENDS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY STUDIO?
Pan around - The great Nancy Delmonte stands before them, shocked and angered.
KYLAH: Uhm... what are YOU doing here on a Sunday?
CUT TO: INT. SECOND STUDIO - DAY
Deven and Jackie sit washing a mirror, while Kelsey passes by with a broom. INSIDE THE BATHROOM, Kylah clangs around.
DEVEN: You know, we're correcting damage we didn't even do.
KELSEY: Yeah, Kylah knocked out a window with her butt and didn't even have to fix it.
KYLAH(o.s.): I'm paying for it, trust me. This toilet is sooooo clogged!
DEVEN: Have you tried... unclogging it?
KYLAH(o.s.): I'm only ONE MAN, Deven!
DEVEN: Use the fucking plunger!
KYLAH: There IS none!
DEVEN: Seriously?
KYLAH: Uhm... there's a shovel!
DEVEN: A shovel? Don't tell me you're really -
KELSEY: It's too late, Deven, we can't stop her.
KYLAH: Yeah, Deven, stay out of this!
SFX: CRASH!
The sound comes from the bathroom!
JACKIE: Are you OKAY?
KYLAH: Well I'M fine, but the shovel is cloged in the toilet!
Deven sighs. He, Kelsey, and Jackie follow each other to the BATHROOM, where Kylah sits in front of the toilet, desperately trying to pull the shovel out of the toilet.
DEVEN: Kylah, you are SOOOO stupid sometimes.
KYLAH(putting her hands to her ears): STOP IT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
KELSEY: Kylah, get ahold of yourself.
KYLAH: Make him say sorry!
DEVEN: Fine! SORRY!
KYLAH: Good! Now, what gets out a clog in a toilet?
JACKIE(bitterly): A plunger.
KYLAH: Nothing releases clogs better than Mr. Dynamite! Deven, got your exposives?
DEVEN: This is highly out of character for both of us, and could potentially further destroy the studio and kill one of us, not to mention how much legal trouble I can get in, but... sure.
He gives Kylah a stick of dynamite.
DEVEN: Wait a minute, I don't make dynamite.
KYLAH: Who cares! Less hooey, more kablooey!
She lights the dynamite, backs up, and holds her ears. Jackie hides behind Deven. With a giant BOOM the toilet EXPLODES and debris goes FLYING. CLOSE ON KELSEY, shocked, and terrified, just before the SHOVEL drives itself THROUGH HER CHEST.
Kelsey TUMBLES BACK and collapses, dead.
Deven and Kylah look at the dead body while Jackie covers her eyes.
JACKIE: Ewwww!
DEVEN: WHAT THE FUCK? YOU JUST INDIRECTLY KILLED YOUR OWN SISTER!
KYLAH(showing no emotion): I am SO banned from the New York trip!
DEVEN: Kylah, Kelsey is DEAD!
Suddenly, the door opens, and EVERYONE comes into the room.
ALY: We heard you guys could use some help!
JUSTIN: Hey, guys, what's shakin'?
DEVEN: KYLAH KILLED KELSEY!
KYLAH: You're an accessory to the crime! If you hadn't lent me YOUR hammer to smash the window, Kelsey would still be alive today!
DEVEN: She WAS alive today!
KYLAH: You're living in the PAST, Deven!
They continue to argue. Rachel, Cici, Bree, and Aly stare akwardly.
RACHEL: Should we leave?
They all nod.
ALY: Wait a minute!
She rushes up to Kelsey and STEALS HER NECKLACE.
ALY: Now we can go.
INSERT shot of KYLAH AND DEVEN SCREAMING at each other with JUSTIN in the middle. Justin looks annoyed. He pulls out a gun from his pocket and shoots them both. They fall to the ground.
JUSTIN: God, you people are annoying.
TOD(o.s.): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Justin TURNS AROUND to see Tod going crazy. Tod SNATCHES the GUN from Justin.
TOD: You killed my Kylah! We actually had a chance together!
JUSTIN: Don't yell.
TOD: GAHHHHHHHH!
He SHOOTS JUSTIN! THE BASTARD!
TOD: What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do? The love of my life is dead and I've killed one of her dear friends! There's nothing left for me.
Tod closes his eyes and shoots himself in the head.
The group looks around nervously.
RACHEL: What are we gonna tell their parents?
BREE: Ky and Kels can easily be replaced by two Barbie dolls. Deven and Justin went out for frosty chocolate milk shakes.
ALY: And Tod?
BREE: Who gives a shit?
JACKIE: Well, really, we have nothing to hide. Kylah killed Kelsey, Justin killed Kylah and Deven, Tod killed Justin... they're all dead anyway!
CICI: So we're innocent! What do we do now?
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
Aly stands in a hole in the snow and digs a deeper hole into the ground. She peers down and we can see Alex's casket.
ALY: Dump 'em in, Martin.
PAN OUT - Martin is backing up a dump truck. He releases the dumper and Justin, Kylah, Deven, Tod, and Kelsey's corpses tumble into the hole.
MARTIN: I love this job.
CECILE(o.s.): MARTIN!!!!!! YOUR DINNER'S GETTING COLD!
Zoom back in to Aly and Bree, who pat the hole down with dirt.
BREE: How come we purchased Alex a casket and not our dear dear friends?
ALY: They were on sale when Alex died. I'm more concerned about the continuity of the weather. The snow was melted this morning, and it was swimming weather yesterday!
BREE: Hey, I told you, I'm a writer, not a fucking production designer.
INT. BREE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - Rachel sits on the couch lazily with a remote in hand. Light shines on her as if from a TV. ENTER JACKIE.
JACKIE: Rachel!!!
Rachel, in shock, falls off the couch.
RACHEL: Fuck, Jackie, I was watching Price Is Right!!
JACKIE: It doesn't matter! That stupid Robo-Tommy is tried to make my bed again! And then he was all like (robotic tone) "hey. I'm a cop."
RACHEL: Do you dare diss Robo-Tommy? What about that robo-Chimberly? It's nothing but a bucket and a... wig... thing...
Jackie begins tearing up.
JACKIE: It's not her fault! Her brain was supposed to be in by now!
She runs out.
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S GARAGE - DAY - Dharke walks to the mail slot to check if there are any letters. She cocks an eyebrow at the sight of a hole in the wall and stares at the mail box which contains...
RACHEL'S POV - A LARGE PACKAGE is placed on top of the letters. It is stamed: WARNING: MAY CONTAIN BRAIN.
Rachel smiles cleverly and gingerly unwraps the pack. Inside is a mayonnaise jar with a brain, similar to the one with Offiri's brain, with the label 'Corman, Kimberly.' Rachel covertly tucks the jar under her sweater.
CUT TO: BLACK
We can see nothing, but we can hear Rachel cheerfully humming the 'Super Mario Brothers' theme.
RACHEL(o.s.): Hey, Cici! Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S GARAGE - NIGHT
INSERT - UNKNOWN POV - Cici's hair draped over the back of the clair. Pan around and we see - she is tied to a chair and blindfolded. A lamp swings around like in an old movie.
A dark figure approaches. It looks like it could be...
Kimberly.
She evilly approaches Cici and rips the blindfold off. Cici screams wildly.
ROBO-KIMMIE(chirpy): We are going to be the best of friends!
CICI: GET THE FUCK AWAY FORM ME YOU COW!
Enter Aly
With the slam of a door, she enters the garage carrying a garbage bag. She puts it in the garbage can. She suddenly notices Cici and looks at them strangely. Robo-Chimmie is sitting on Cici's lap. Cici is scared out of her mind.
CICI: Hel-LO?
ALY: ... Whatever.
She leaves!
INTERCUT with an SFX of a CAMERA CLICK - on a page of a book, a picture of Chimmie sitting on the bound Cici's lap sits over:
"re·venge (ree-venj)
tr.v. re·venged, re·veng·ing, re·veng·es
To inflict punishment in return for (injury or insult).
To seek or take vengeance for (oneself or another person); avenge.
INT. BREE'S GARAGE - DAY
A light casts a bluish glow over the back door. ENTER RACHEL, wearing a bathrobe over pink heart pajama pants and fuzzy slipers. She looks tired and yawns.
She walks over to the mail slot to get the paper. As soon as it's in her hand, she looks over and jumps.
PAN OUT - Cici's still in the chair, asleep. Rachel looks with pitty and reluctantly pulls a Sharpie marker out of her pocket. She tiptoes over to Cici, cautiously unties her arms and legs, and begins drawing on her face.
INSERT - RACHEL'S POV - Cici's face now features a moustache, a ring around her eye, some spots on the cheek, and a few little choice phrases scribbled on. She turns away from Cici for a moment and looks towards the cieling.
RACHEL: Dear Lord, I'm not normally a praying woman, but thank you, thank you for gracing me with this brain.
She walks off. FOCUS IN on a piece of paper on her back.
"Kick me."
CLOSE IN - Cici smiles devilishly.
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Aly microwaves some bacon. She looks over as she hears the door slam. A smile appears on her face and her eyes light up.
ALY: 'KICK ME!'
She runs down the room and kicks RACHEL in the back.
EXT. BREE'S YARD - DAY
The snow is strangely gone. Alex, Rachel, and Kylah jump on the trampoline. Kylah does a cartwheel. Alex falls on his ass. Robo Kimberly joins Aly on the deck.
ROBO-KIMBERLY: Hi.
Aly shows no response.
ROBO-KIMBERLY: Where's Leann? She has such nice hair. I just love to brush it.
Still no response from Aly.
ROBO-KIMBERLY: I would kill for your figure.
Aly looks around for something interesting to happen, then cracks a smile when CICI falls OUT OF A TREE.
CICI: Owwwww! My vagina!!!!
ALY: What were you going in there?
CICI: Hiding from Robo-Kimberly!
ALY: ROBO? She's a ROBOT?
CICI: Well we killed the real Kimberly six months ago!
ALY: Why didn't you say so?
Without hesitation, Aly slides behind Robo-Kimberly, who is still blabbing on about how she wishes she were "thinner." Aly pushes her strongly into the pool.
The robot EXPLODES and showers metal debris into the yard. Bree ducks down and then slowly gets up.
BREE: Everyone okay?
INSERT - BREE'S POV - TRAMPOLINE - Kylah and Rachel bounce, unbeknownst to Alex, who is choking and reacting to a jagged metal piece of Robo-Debris in his throat (think 'Ms. Lewton in FD.') and bump into Alex simultaniously. Alex stumbles backwards, then, in mid-bounce, flies over the fence, hits the big birch tree and falls, dead, to the ground.
Another figure tumbles out of the birch tree.
Everyone, concerned, makes their way around the fence to see the commotion.
Bree, Rachel, Aly, Cici, and Jackie stand over the dead bodies of Alex and Sheryl Crow. Aly looks from side to side.
ALY: Want me to get a garbage bag?
JACKIE: We've got to do the honerable thing here. We've got to sew up their wonds, put them in some decent clothes and... play Weekend at Bernies.
CICI: Well, who's gonna notice that that leather muppet is dead anyway? Better he's dead now than before he gets fat.
RACHEL: You seem to be confused, Ci, he's still Alex, he's not Devon Sawa.
CICI: Oh... well then it doesn't matter! He was gonna die anyway!
RACHEL: 'Cause he forgot to -
JACKIE BREE AND CICI: Eat brickfast.
Beat
ALY: I don't get it.
RACHEL: Really?
Rachel puts her arm around Aly and they walk away.
RACHEL(in distance): Wanna know what Kimberly said when she woke up from her first premonition? ...
JACKIE: So I say we set Alex on fire and hope that he disintigrates before Bree's parents get home. Now about Sheryl Crow...
Sheryl suddenly stands up and brushes off her pants.
SHERYL: Woo hoo! E! Hollywood True Story here I come!
They look around.
BREE: What the fuck are you talking about?
SHERYL: Pain. Scandal. Robots! The tragic story of Sheryl Crow's shattered pelvis!
CICI: But you're walking fine!
SHERYL: That's what you think! I have previous footage of me limping around AND I know a guy who'll make me an ass cast with no questions.
BREE: Footage?
SHERYL: Yeah, your neighbore helped with that.
PAN UP - on BREE'S ROOF her 76-year-old neighbore MARTIN sits with a video camera.
BREE: MARTIN GET DOWN FROM THERE!
MARTIN: Aww, you suck!
UNKNOWN POV - ACROSS THE STREET - MARTIN'S WIFE CECILLE emerges from his house.
CECILLE: MARTIN, YOUR DINNER'S GETTING COLD!
MARTIN: Man...
Martin turns around and walks to the front of the roof, dropping the camera onto the ground but not noticing. PAN DOWN to where Cici, Jackie, Bree, and Sheryl stand. Jackie dashes and picks up the camera. She checks it and exclaims with delight -
JACKIE: Yes! We have footage of you admiting it was a setup!
Sheryl lunges for the camera but Jackie tosses it to Cici, who taunts Sheryl some more and tosses it to Bree until they are in a full-fledged game of Keepaway. Sheryl catches the camera in the middle of the air and shoves it down her throat!
SHERYL: Ha! Evidence my ass!
SFX - a weird whining noise from inside Sheryl's stomach. She motions her stomach.
SHERYL: I better go get this pumped or something.
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
JACKIE sits on the couch, chin in hands, staring at the TV. PAN AROUND - on the TV is FD2, one of Kimberly's scenes. She sighs heavily and rewinds it to the beginning of the scene, and repeats this several times.
ENTER KELSEY
KELSEY: Y'alright?
Jackie BURSTS INTO TEARS
Kelsey, being oh-so-matoure, sits down next to her and puts her arm over her shoulder.
KELSEY: There there. No need to get so emotional.
JACKIE: Robo-Kimberly is DEAD!
KELSEY: Yeah, dead as a dornail... BUT it doesn't matter!
JACKIE: Yes, it does!
KELSEY(shrieking like an angry freak): NO IT DOESN'T!
JACKIE: But I'm not having as much fun here as I thought I would! Everyone else has sub-plots. Bree and Aly have their test of friendship, Rachel has her destructiveness, Cici has her obsessions, Kylah is dealing with Tod's love, Justin is... in Breanna's kitchen?
INSERT - JACKIE'S POV - JUSTIN stands in the kitchen, eating a carrot.
JUSTIN: What's up, dock?
CUT BACK
KELSEY: I know what'll get you a good sub-plot!
JACKIE: What?
KELSEY: Some trouble with the law!
CUT TO - INT. BREE'S MOM'S VAN - DAY
Kelsey and Jackie sit in the front seats, with Kylah and Deven in the back.
JACKIE: You've done this before?
Kelsey grips the wheel.
KELSEY: Not in this particular van... but yeah, I've done it before.
CUT TO - EXT. BREE'S STREET - DAY - The tires SCREECH as Kelsey drives the van, swerving down the street.
INT. VAN - Kelsey smiles gleefully as she drives like a madman and Jackie looks ready to hurl. IN THE BACK, Deven and Kylah are seemingly having fun.
KYLAH: MY ASTHMA!
KELSEY: Where's your puffer?
KYLAH: Uhm.... awwww, crap, I left it at the dance studio!
Kelsey SLAMS on the BREAKS! Jackie lurches forward. Kelsey raises her hand triumphantly.
KELSEY: TO THE DANCE STUDIO!
CUT TO: INT. PORCUPINE MALL - DAY
Kylah, Kelsey, and Deven walk up to the studio. Jackie follows nervously.
JACKIE: She's not open on Sundays, is she?
KYLAH: No, you're right. So we drove out here for nothing?!
DEVEN: Nope! I has the solution!
They look at him with anticipation!
DEVEN: A HAMMER!
He produces a shiny hammer. He approaches the door and smashes it open violently. They walk through. Soon, in a brief montage of smashing, they smash the TROPHY CASE, VENDING MACHINE, LOCKERS, and WINDOWS.
KYLAH: Oh, wait, here's my puffer.
DEVEN: Who cares, less talky, more smashy!
NANCY DELMONTE(o.s.): KYLAH! KELSEY! .... KYLAH'S FRIENDS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY STUDIO?
Pan around - The great Nancy Delmonte stands before them, shocked and angered.
KYLAH: Uhm... what are YOU doing here on a Sunday?
CUT TO: INT. SECOND STUDIO - DAY
Deven and Jackie sit washing a mirror, while Kelsey passes by with a broom. INSIDE THE BATHROOM, Kylah clangs around.
DEVEN: You know, we're correcting damage we didn't even do.
KELSEY: Yeah, Kylah knocked out a window with her butt and didn't even have to fix it.
KYLAH(o.s.): I'm paying for it, trust me. This toilet is sooooo clogged!
DEVEN: Have you tried... unclogging it?
KYLAH(o.s.): I'm only ONE MAN, Deven!
DEVEN: Use the fucking plunger!
KYLAH: There IS none!
DEVEN: Seriously?
KYLAH: Uhm... there's a shovel!
DEVEN: A shovel? Don't tell me you're really -
KELSEY: It's too late, Deven, we can't stop her.
KYLAH: Yeah, Deven, stay out of this!
SFX: CRASH!
The sound comes from the bathroom!
JACKIE: Are you OKAY?
KYLAH: Well I'M fine, but the shovel is cloged in the toilet!
Deven sighs. He, Kelsey, and Jackie follow each other to the BATHROOM, where Kylah sits in front of the toilet, desperately trying to pull the shovel out of the toilet.
DEVEN: Kylah, you are SOOOO stupid sometimes.
KYLAH(putting her hands to her ears): STOP IT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
KELSEY: Kylah, get ahold of yourself.
KYLAH: Make him say sorry!
DEVEN: Fine! SORRY!
KYLAH: Good! Now, what gets out a clog in a toilet?
JACKIE(bitterly): A plunger.
KYLAH: Nothing releases clogs better than Mr. Dynamite! Deven, got your exposives?
DEVEN: This is highly out of character for both of us, and could potentially further destroy the studio and kill one of us, not to mention how much legal trouble I can get in, but... sure.
He gives Kylah a stick of dynamite.
DEVEN: Wait a minute, I don't make dynamite.
KYLAH: Who cares! Less hooey, more kablooey!
She lights the dynamite, backs up, and holds her ears. Jackie hides behind Deven. With a giant BOOM the toilet EXPLODES and debris goes FLYING. CLOSE ON KELSEY, shocked, and terrified, just before the SHOVEL drives itself THROUGH HER CHEST.
Kelsey TUMBLES BACK and collapses, dead.
Deven and Kylah look at the dead body while Jackie covers her eyes.
JACKIE: Ewwww!
DEVEN: WHAT THE FUCK? YOU JUST INDIRECTLY KILLED YOUR OWN SISTER!
KYLAH(showing no emotion): I am SO banned from the New York trip!
DEVEN: Kylah, Kelsey is DEAD!
Suddenly, the door opens, and EVERYONE comes into the room.
ALY: We heard you guys could use some help!
JUSTIN: Hey, guys, what's shakin'?
DEVEN: KYLAH KILLED KELSEY!
KYLAH: You're an accessory to the crime! If you hadn't lent me YOUR hammer to smash the window, Kelsey would still be alive today!
DEVEN: She WAS alive today!
KYLAH: You're living in the PAST, Deven!
They continue to argue. Rachel, Cici, Bree, and Aly stare akwardly.
RACHEL: Should we leave?
They all nod.
ALY: Wait a minute!
She rushes up to Kelsey and STEALS HER NECKLACE.
ALY: Now we can go.
INSERT shot of KYLAH AND DEVEN SCREAMING at each other with JUSTIN in the middle. Justin looks annoyed. He pulls out a gun from his pocket and shoots them both. They fall to the ground.
JUSTIN: God, you people are annoying.
TOD(o.s.): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Justin TURNS AROUND to see Tod going crazy. Tod SNATCHES the GUN from Justin.
TOD: You killed my Kylah! We actually had a chance together!
JUSTIN: Don't yell.
TOD: GAHHHHHHHH!
He SHOOTS JUSTIN! THE BASTARD!
TOD: What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do? The love of my life is dead and I've killed one of her dear friends! There's nothing left for me.
Tod closes his eyes and shoots himself in the head.
The group looks around nervously.
RACHEL: What are we gonna tell their parents?
BREE: Ky and Kels can easily be replaced by two Barbie dolls. Deven and Justin went out for frosty chocolate milk shakes.
ALY: And Tod?
BREE: Who gives a shit?
JACKIE: Well, really, we have nothing to hide. Kylah killed Kelsey, Justin killed Kylah and Deven, Tod killed Justin... they're all dead anyway!
CICI: So we're innocent! What do we do now?
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
Aly stands in a hole in the snow and digs a deeper hole into the ground. She peers down and we can see Alex's casket.
ALY: Dump 'em in, Martin.
PAN OUT - Martin is backing up a dump truck. He releases the dumper and Justin, Kylah, Deven, Tod, and Kelsey's corpses tumble into the hole.
MARTIN: I love this job.
CECILE(o.s.): MARTIN!!!!!! YOUR DINNER'S GETTING COLD!
Zoom back in to Aly and Bree, who pat the hole down with dirt.
BREE: How come we purchased Alex a casket and not our dear dear friends?
ALY: They were on sale when Alex died. I'm more concerned about the continuity of the weather. The snow was melted this morning, and it was swimming weather yesterday!
BREE: Hey, I told you, I'm a writer, not a fucking production designer.