Life after love or love after life – what shall it be?



Chapter 1 - To be alone

Yes he was alone. It was what he wanted, it was what he asked for, and it was what he got.

Harry now sat on his trunk full of his own possessions... possessions, such a word! He thought. He could never imagine 'possessing' such things in the way Voldemort had done to him, Harry. So how could possessing be categorised as both possession of a mind, a body a being be the same as possession of an object? Just like his trunk.

Harry sighed. He was thinking like this again. He always thought like this when he was tired and sad. Which was a constant way of life for him these days. He delved too deep into his thoughts... for that was all he had now. Himself.

At that moment Hedwig hooted sadly into the darkness from her cage. "I know Hed, I still have you... but perhaps you should go too. But... no." He turned and smiled at her. "No, I know you would never leave me."

Harry looked around at where they now resided. A muggle street, not far from Grimmauld Palace. Harry looked down at his watch. "Number 12 Grimmauld Palace." He sighed. Where he had been but 2 hours ago.

.wwwwwwwwwwwww.

Harry sat on his bed with his head in his hands. He couldn't cope anymore. The summer, which followed Harry's fifth year, had gone by like an eternity. He had gone back to the Dursleys and stayed there for four weeks of his holidays.

His time there was uneventful; he stayed in his room mostly or would walk his regular nightly haunt around the village. It was at these times he tried to forget about Sirius... but he just couldn't. And thinking about Sirius always led to the one topic he tried to get away from. Death.

He laughed a hollow laugh. Death claims all... in the end. "The end. The end is nigh my friend... the end is nigh." He shook his head from his hands. It shall be done.

He stood up and paced the distance of his room, wall to wall. The floorboards creaking beneath his bare feet. He walked to the wardrobe and began to pull out its contents and chuck them into his trunk and the base of his bed. He was leaving, and he was leaving now.

Those four weeks at the Dursleys, before he went to stay at the orders headquarters, made Harry realise what he had to do. Yes he loved his friends but that was all they were, all he had. Friends. No family to live with, no mother to love and hug, no father to be guided by, no caring uncle to talk to. There was no one to love or be loved by. Except his friends. The notion of love of a family never even reached the Dursleys. He had nothing to do with them, they made it that way. It was then Harry realised it's all right to be alone. Sirius was the closest thing Harry had to a family, with him now gone, the idea of a family quickly faded away from him just as soon as he had tasted its beauty. Everyone he cared for was at a risk. So he had to leave such cares and loves alone. Let love be for the foolish, and by Merlin he shall be no fool. Not any more. The loss of his mother, father and now Sirius was enough. No more. With the rejection of the Dursleys, Harry needed no one.

Around Harry love leads to Death and that will happen no more. So he had to do it.

"I have to." He whispered though his tears, whilst he was packing his belongings away, for the good of their lives. They had to go, they would realise, they will see why.

He took one last look around the room and in the wardrobe, checking he had got everything. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, wiped the tears away and marched out of the room dragging his trunk and Hedwigs cage behind him, down the stairs and into the hallway.

He took a deep breath, took two strides and pushed open the kitchen door. All heads turned to look at him.

"Harry?"

Remus stood up from the kitchen table and took three steps towards Harry, then stopped. Remus saw the set expression of Harry's face then he looked to the floor glancing at the trunk and cage. He sighed and nodded.

"It doesn't have to be this way, you know Harry."

Harry smiled a sad smile, how did Remus always know what he was doing, what he was thinking. They knew each other so well. Perhaps he did know him a bit too well. But that would be no more.

Harry shook his head, "I knew you would understand, thank you"

"What? What's going on? I don't... I don't understand!" It was Hermione who spoke. She was sat next to Ron who stared mouth open at Harry.

"Mate, what you doing? Don't be stupid now." There was no mistaking the plea in his voice, which broke Harry's heart.

Harry raised his eyes from the floor and fixed his gaze on Ron, again he shook his head knowing if he spoke his words would defy him.

Then he whispered as he looked back down to the floor. "I'm leaving."

"No Harry!" Hermione pleaded as she stood and marched towards Harry. "No... you can't." She tried to hold him, but he just simply pushed her away. He saw the hurt in her beautiful eyes.

"No 'mione. No."

Molly walked from the sink towards Hermione and pulled her away. Gently patting and stroking her back.

Harry looked up from the floor to survey the people spread before him. There was Ron, Bill, Ginny, Charlie, Fred, George and Percy sat round the scrubbed pine table. Arthur and Molly stood with Hermione. Remus had retreated back; he now stood clutching the back of Tonks' chair and shoulder, looking down at the floor. Moody stood in the corner his head bowed down low. Harry looked around at all the people gathered, not one of these people he could bare to see killed or even hurt. But he knew they would.

"It's safer this way." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Those I love just...just get hurt." He took a deep breathe in and slowly let it out. He looked down at the floor. "Leave." A few moments of silence passed and he all but whispered, "Please."

They all knew that his 'leave' was a plea for them out of his life, not to care, not to love. But could they do it?

He turned and walked away. He paused for a moment and spoke. "Maybe when it's all over and... and if I live, we can be friends again."

He wished they would all just step out of his life. Leave him to be alone, leave him to fight, to die. For that is what the prophecy all but said. If only it was that easy, for love this deep is not so easy to step out of.

Even though his heart screamed with such an exile, he had to do it. He just... had to. He straightened himself up and walked away, not looking back, for that would show the defying tears that flowed down his face. He breathed in hard. It had to be done. It. Had. To. Be. Done. There will be no emotional connections in this fight for victory. He had decided. And it was done.

"Constant vigilance boy." Moody called after him. "Constant vigilance!" And they let him go.

Remus squeezed Tonks' shoulders. Remus knew he was an adult now, they all did. Yes it was hard... but they understood. What he had been through was something nobody should be dragged though. But he had and he came through. A little worse for ware... but he came through. In one piece. And if this was his wish... so be it. But if they could change his mind, then so be it. But not now, not yet. Let him be alone.

Hermione ran to her room, Ron went after her. You could here his voice calling her from the kitchen as he ran up the stairs.

"I'll make some tea then." Molly sniffed, Arthur gave her hand a quick squeeze as she moved to put the kettle on the stove.

All within the room fell silent, no one knew what to say, what to do. They just... sat. Shocked.

.wwwwwwwwww.

He had left them, he knew that love could not be lost that easily... but in time it would. If he just kept away... out of sight, out of mind... out of heart.

But if only... if only it didn't have to be like this, if only Sirius hadn't died, if only he hadn't been so stupid. If only he wasn't even born.

The world was full of 'If only's' and Harry's would go unanswered and unchanged. There was nothing he could do. Nothing. It was only the future now, the past has nothing to do with it... although, the past creates everything. "What a mess." He sobbed. "Why can't I just be dead?"

Harry wiped his eyes onto his sleeve and he cast his bleary gaze in the direction of a dark alleyway. He half expected to see a huge shaggy dog bounding down the street towards him. To knock him over, to take him away to a life he never had, a life he never would have. He shook himself mentally. None of this was helping. He had a battle to win, a life to fight for... a world to save. Alone. Even if it killed him, least it be done and over with... for once.

He stood up straight, picked up Hedwigs' cage and dragged his trunk along. He needed to walk. Yes it was dark... but then everything about him was dark. It was how it was, how he was. He would call the Night Bus eventually, but not yet. Let him be alone a while longer.

.wwwwwwwwww.

To be continued...

A/N: Just to clarify, they let him go without a fight because they all know that Harry needs what he wants. I'm not saying that what he wants is right... but it's what he wants. (Also it fits into my plot).

Next chapter shall contain Ron and Hermione's talk and more of Harry.

I hope people like this story. Please leave a review, feedback is always nice.

Enjoy x