Thank you so much for all the reviews, they are incredibly appreciated and very unexpected so cheers! I was expecting like two so I was thrilled when I found eight!

So here's the second chapter. I may not be writing this in a very eleven year old way because I have almost ten years on an eleven year old and can't remember how I used to think as one even remotely, and don't know any eleven year olds as far as I can recall (although in reality my grammar probably isn't much above an eleven year olds standards, in all fairness it's probably worse than the average eleven year old!) so I don't have all that much to base it on but let me know if it's completely unbelievable from an eleven year old perspective or if you can buy it if I say that she's really perceptive and very intelligent! (which is part of my challenge for myself.) cheers Kay xxx

Abby gathered herself together slightly before flipping onto the next page. Reading someone's diary was always perceived as such an invasion of their privacy and it was, it is, but now she couldn't not. This was her daughter; she'd always just assumed that Holly was fine, that if she could keep up the pretence of getting on with things that Holly would never see through it, that she'd never even think that anything was different to the way it was presented.

She'd been naive in that assumption though, Holly obviously could see through it, she could see through all of it, she'd obviously heard things that Abby had assumed she hadn't, she knew things Abby had assumed she didn't and she knew what Abby had tried so hard to stop her seeing, their life was a sham.

She rubbed the palms of her hands hard over her eyes before she looked back to the page.

Holly Louise Lockhart, her little girl, the baby she thought would set everything back on track, the baby who was supposed to fix her marriage, the baby who may well have been destroyed by her marriage. September 4th, Jesus this had started almost ten months ago.

Holly Louise Lockhart

Fall 2003

September 4th

SCHOOL

We started back to school today, which is awesome, no more days at home trying not to get yelled at, everyone was talking about their vacations, Kate went to the Seychelles with her Mom, and then to Europe with her Dad, she didn't seem all that excited about either though, Emma and her brothers and her parents went to Florida, which sounded kind of cool as well, Jake went with his Mom to visit his brother who lives in Hawaii, he said he learned to surf, which I'm not sure is true. We stayed here for most of the time but I did go and stay with Granny for a couple of days in Minnesota, which was really fun! Mom and Dad both worked all summer, but it seemed like they worked harder at avoiding each other. It was kind of good in a way because there was always one of Emma, Kate or Jake around, their vacations were pretty convenient for me because there were only three days over the whole time when no one was around, I spent most of the time at Emma or Jake's houses, they came to ours as well, I'm pretty good at Nintendo now.

No one seems to want the term to start again, but it doesn't bother me that much, I kind of like it, home was getting pretty boring. Having said that though we had to sit and listen while everyone gave a presentation on their summer, naturally I made something up that sounded just about plausible, Emma, Kate and Jake all laughed the whole way through mine though because they knew that it was all rubbish, which made me laugh as well, so I think I might have failed in my effort to be convincing, especially when the teacher said she'd like to see photos and I told her that sadly our camera had been crushed by a heard of stampeding Elephants while we were on Safari, I think it was around about then that she cottoned on to the fact I was talking rubbish, especially since Jake cracked up completely at that point.

Miss Miller told me that I was in the swim team again this year, but that I still had to try out, I'm trying to figure out what other stuff I want to do, last year I did all sports, this year I'm going to try some academic stuff as well, see if anyone says anything about it.

MOM AND DAD

I was going to say that they still don't seem to be talking to each other, but I actually don't think that they ever really do, Mom's been working nights for ever, she goes to work when Dad gets home, and comes back about thirty seconds before he leaves again. I really don't get it, they both seem miserable, I don't think they should stay together, I recon that they're doing it for me, but I think that we'd all be better off if they split up. It's not my decision though I guess, and I'm not about to tell them that that's what I think.

DAD AND ME

He yelled at me for not eating all the peas on my plate at dinner and said that I shouldn't have taken them if I didn't want them. I didn't put the stupid peas on my plate Mom did, and I don't like them anyway, I don't think that either of them know that though. I didn't say anything, I just tried to eat the gross peas and then Mom took the plate away from me saying that it was more painful watching me make a big deal out of it than having a fight over it so she threw them away which made Dad get on his high horse about waste and stuff which led to 'words' as Mom calls them (It's the code for when they fight in front of me but it doesn't involve yelling), it would have been better for me to just finish the stupid peas and get the hell away from the table. He made some halfhearted attempt to ask me about school, but he obviously wasn't listening to anything I was saying because I said something about flying to the moon and he just said 'good stuff Hol.' And went to the den. I think I might start trying to see how much ridiculous stuff I can say before he realizes in future. I don't think that Mom knows that he goes out, he does it every night at around ten and comes back at like midnight, I don't mind being left on my own at all, but there were some pretty creepy noises last night and I couldn't sleep until he got home, I'm not supposed to know that he does it, but I do.

MOM AND ME

She dropped me at school this morning before going to work which was a nice touch, I can't remember the last time she did it, from tomorrow though I'm going with Emma again, it's actually more fun going with Mom than Emma's Mom, who's very nice and all but insists on listening to classical music the whole way which sucks, at least Mom lets me choose the station, and unlike with Dad I'm allowed to finish my breakfast in the car. She was really weird this morning, I don't really know her all that well but I think my Mom is actually pretty cool, she knew all the words to all the songs that came on the radio this morning, they were all kind of old-school but she was tapping the tunes out on the steering wheel and humming and stuff, maybe she's always like that when she's not around Dad. I might start stalking her to find out! Hehe.

 

September 17th

SCHOOL

We had the first swim meet yesterday, our team rocks this year, we beat Lakeshore junior high by a mile, which was awesome, I'm the captain of the under 12's this year and I got to pick up the trophy. Mom and Dad didn't come, which I knew they wouldn't because I didn't tell them about it, even if I had I'm not sure that either of them would have turned up, it's easier not to know either way. I made it on to the baseball and soccer teams as well and I got onto Math and debate too, Emma keeps teasing me about being a geek now but she's on some funny science elite team thing, which to me sounds far geekier. This one kid on the Math team told me he thought I was weird, which is fine because he's no mainstream individual himself. (Massive dork with elephant ears, at least I have friends buddy, I was trying to be nice to him as well!)

We went on an Art trip today to the metropolitan, we had to go on the El which was kinda funny because me and Emma and Jake managed not to get on the train and got left behind with Mr. Wall yelling stuff through the glass at us when the train pulled away. All we did was laugh and get on the next train. I don't get why they think we wouldn't be able to do that, we might be eleven but we're not complete idiots. And now I'm glad that we did miss it, because while we were waiting I saw Mom and Dr Kovac on the opposite platform. We all hid so she didn't see us but she was laughing and stuff and so was he, I know she can be funny sometimes, if she wants to she can crack me up in an instant. I think that my stalking plan might not be all that bad of an idea now, she never looks like that at home. She looked really pretty, Emma said it first, and she was right, she also said that her eldest brother thinks she's hot which is kind of weird and I think maybe a bit gross because he's Twenty three and she's my Mom. It's nice to know that she does sometimes have fun though and she can actually still smile, maybe it's better that she spends so much time at work with people she likes instead of at home with people she doesn't, Emma asked me if she was having an affair, maybe she is, I don't think so though, I think Dad definitely is, maybe she should too.

All the extra stuff I do at school is working out pretty well, they're all on different week nights which means that I get to stay until five most afternoons and then I can walk home which should take like a half hour but I'm getting pretty good at making it last for an hour so I get back at six which means that I only have to be at home for twenty minutes with both of them there, which reduces the chance of getting yelled at or hearing them yell at each other, today though baseball was canceled, you win some you loose some I guess.

MOM AND DAD

Given that I was home early tonight I got to hear more of the battle than usual, I got in and they were in different parts of the house which I guess everyone has to be at some point so that wasn't exactly abnormal, I just went straight upstairs, Mom came in to my room to tidy a bit before going to work and then she went down stairs. They don't seem to yell much at each other any more, a while ago they did a lot, and I mean a lot, I'm not sure they knew I could hear them but, if you yell 'keep your voice down' at the top of your voice what the hell's the point? Me and Emma started a swear book when they were yelling at each other all the time, I would write down all the ones they yelled at each other and she asked her oldest brother, Jake said he'd ask his brother too, Emma said that we need to learn all the best ones (Kate told us we were immature!), we had a pretty good collection going until one of the history teachers found it and confiscated it, she sent us all home with letters, Emma got grounded for a week and Jake got a huge lecture, but I never gave mine to Mom or Dad, we all had detention for a week; Emma and Jake's Moms' were really mad at them, I guess it's a good thing that mine never knew considering how angry she gets about my room being messy or me not putting my swim kit in the laundry room this I think she would have really skitzed over, and no one even noticed that I was home late all week so it worked out ok. But no, anyway, they don't seem to yell anymore, now they only talk to each other when they really have to, otherwise they just don't talk at all, it's worse somehow I think. 

Dad spent most of the night sitting on the couch dinking beer until his traditional ten o'clock exit. He's definitely cheating on my Mom, why can't they just split up already?                 

DAD AND ME

 Dad was in the kitchen and didn't even say 'hi' when I got home which even he usually manages, but never mind. I fixed us dinner and he was kind of nice about it, in that he told me it was better than whatever Mom would have made us. (it was definitely better than whatever he would have made us.) This is the part of all this that I really don't like when he says stuff about Mom that I'm obviously supposed to agree with because they just had a fight, and he laughs and makes fun of her and then teases me because I don't like joining in, Mom never does that, she never talks to me at all really but when she does she doesn't say mean things to me about Dad. I hate sitting at the table with him being mean about my Mom, it makes him look like a real jerk, especially when he's the one that usually picks the fights and she's the one who usually walks away, and tonight they didn't even have a fight, which just makes it look like he wants me to analyze everything he doesn't like about her with him, I excused myself and walked away, and he told me that if I wasn't careful I'd grow up to be just like her.  I don't know if he thinks I'm on his side in all this, I hope he doesn't, because I'm not, I don't want to be, I don't really want to be on anyone's side but if I had to pick I'd choose Mom I think. (Even though I'm not really that big of a fan of hers at the moment either – here's why…)

MOM AND ME

 Mom accosted me before I even put my school bag down when I got to my room and said that my room was, and I quote a 'pigsty', which seems like the dumbest phrase ever, but I didn't say anything, I just looked around I still don't think it's that bad, she launched into a lecture about the fact I was old enough to look after my own stuff now, which is exactly what I do, which is why my room is like it is because this is how I look after stuff. I think I said sorry but I'm not sure because I stood in the middle of the room while she began to pick stuff up off the floor and just pile it all. I hate that she just takes it over and starts just dumping all the stuff on the desk and the bed, it's like she's destroying the only little bit of normality left in this stupid fake house and it made me want to cry when she picked up the poster I was making for mine and Emma's science presentation on Wednesday and the whole thing fell apart because it wasn't glued yet, she said sorry and she sounded like she was but then she just started saying that it shouldn't have been on the floor in the first place and that I was slovenly, she wasn't saying it to be mean I don't think, she was saying it because she thinks it's true. I love my Mom, I really do, and I want her to be happy and I know she's not but I don't like that every time I'm around her at the moment she makes me want to cry and not deliberately even, but she's so miserable all the time that you can't do anything around her, even just stand still and quiet without it being the wrong thing to do; and I don't like the idea that she has to be miserable, that's the part that makes me want to cry most, not for me really but because I don't think that there's anything I can do about it to make her less miserable. I won't cry, at least not when she or Dad are there but my throat hurt today while she was tidying and just talking at me and I had to concentrated so hard on not letting myself cry that I didn't listen to her and so she sighed and walked away, just like she does with Dad and I couldn't look at her.

I wanted to tell her that I saw her today at the station, that I thought she looked happy but I didn't, I shouldn't have been there really, but when she was laughing with Dr Kovac it made me want to laugh too, but now; at home, it's back to the way it always is, and it makes me want to cry. I want to try to spend as little time at home as possible at the moment, which I know isn't the way I should feel and I'm sure if she knew that then she'd be mad about it, I want her to be the way she was on the station all the time but I want her to want to be like that and I don't think she ever will. 

She left without saying goodbye to me, which actually usually she doesn't do, normally when she goes she comes up and says goodnight and tells me who's taking who to school tomorrow, but tonight she didn't. I should maybe go back to my false cheery thing I had going, when I actually smiled and nodded rather than just nodded.

Things are definitely getting worse.

Abby finished reading and took a deep breath, this was all news to her, she'd had no idea. How had she had no idea? How had she been so oblivious to all of this? What Holly was writing gave Abby an insight into Holly's perception, into Holly's world in a way she'd never had before. How many kids actively avoided telling their parents about the things that they knew would make them proud? It seemed like Holly was right, on the outside they put out this perfect little image of family unity, but if you even began to scratch below the surface then there were so many cracks and breaks in the relationships they all presented that you couldn't even begin to see how to start to smooth them over.

It was weird; it wasn't Holly's words that intrigued her as such, they were teaching her a thing or two but it wasn't them that made her frown as she flipped back a couple of pages. She had it all ordered, all categorized, School, Abby and Richard, Richard and her, and Abby and her. Abby could almost see why, by organizing all of this, by organizing and reasoning with the way in which they worked she could see how it would make it easier for Holly to understand.

She'd been through this with Maggie before, she remembered things from being a kid that Maggie had no recollection of, and as it was Abby couldn't remember walking away from Holly, she couldn't remember destroying her science poster, she obviously had though, and it was the things that made Holly feel so horrible that she didn't even realize affected her that Holly would remember, they were what she remembered from her childhood and undoubtedly they were what Holly would remember as well.

Abby took a breath as she flipped onto the next page, October 2nd, She couldn't stop anymore, she needed to know.

There we go, if you have the time give me a shout.