Title: The Monster's Alphabet

Author: alliterator

Summary: A series of vignettes, from Adam to Zookeeper. Spoilers for all seven seasons.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine; everything belongs to the great and power Whedon.

The Lamprey demon

Takes during Season 6's "Once More, With Feeling," but spoilers for "DoubleMeat Palace."

Author's Note: This is a little different from the other vignettes – well, actually, it's a lot different. All the vignettes so far have been serious, so I thought it was time for something funny. For some reason, the idea of a penis-shaped demon singing seemed hilarious to me, so I wrote it down and it worked out well as something that happened during "Once More, With Feeling." Anyway, onto the story.

"That's disgusting. What did it look like?"

"Well... let's put it this way. If I wasn't gay before..."

- Willow and Tara in Entropy

SCENE: Behind the DoubleMeat Palace.

A worker is throwing the garbage in the dumpster when suddenly he's confronted by Wig Lady – sans wig. The Lamprey demon grows out of the top of her head and the worker start to scream.

LAMPREY:                 Please stop screamin'

                                    I'm just a humble demon

                                    Who likes to eat the DoubleMeat staff.

                                    You taste so nice and sweet

                                    So full of all that meat

                                    From your neck right down to your calf.

                                    Now I'm going to paralyze you.

                                    Don't worry it won't sterilize you.

                                    It's only a little dose.

                                    [sprays DoubleMeat Palace worker with paralyzing fluid]

DMP WORKER:            Ew, gross!

LAMPREY:                 I know it might offend

                                    And I won't pretend

                                    That my form doesn't make people sick.

                                    But those words just aggravate me

                                    And they really irritate me

                                    I know that I look like a giant…

DMP WORKER:            Ick!

LAMPREY:                 But I have feelings, don't you know?

                                    I'm putting on all this show

                                    Just so that you will come to like me.

                                    Is it too much for me to expect

                                    For you to have a little respect

                                    Because your words really do strike me.

DMP WORKER:            I'm so sorry; I didn't know.

                                    It's just when I saw that thing grow

                                    Out of your head, I got a little scared.

                                    But now I'm not afraid

                                    And I won't try to evade

                                    Your teeth, for I know now how much you cared.

LAMPREY:                 Thank you so much for not resisting

                                    For this is how I keep existing

                                    I'm so glad that this place is around!

                                    No need to be nervous

                                    Such customer service!

                                    And now I am going to chomp down.

                                    [it does and starts eating the DoubleMeat worker]