Warning: Violence, Language, Death, References to Drug-Taking .
Spoilers, Season Seven
Disclaimer, "All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author."
Author's notes; Pairings; Sam and Jack, Daniel and Janet. This takes place just before Heroes in Season seven, and it's not a happy story! In fact, it's quite traumatic. It explores Sam's dark side, and it's very dark. I started to write this a while back, but stopped because I wasn't sure everyone would approve of what I've done to Sam, nor the final outcome. And warning...Pete is also in it this too. flashbacks in italics
Feedback;... what keeps me writing. But no flames. Especially for this one. If it offends you, I apologise, but please don't scream at me about it.
Sam stared up into the sky, watching the feathery clouds break up, and rejoin, and dance in the wind. She lay flat on her back, in the soft grass, still wet with dew, feeling the sun warm her. Somewhere she could feel an ant climbing across her leg, but she didn't care. She was happy, lying here, perfectly still, staring into the impossibly blue sky
blue paint, peeling off the frame, that's all she can see, and she can hear the firing, getting closer, and God knows what Anubis could find out from her if he catches her, she knows he won't kill her, not right away and why won't he STOP SCREAMING!
Shaking, Sam pulled herself back to the present. Her body had stiffened, and she was soaked with sweat that was not caused by the sun. 'Focus' she told herself, remembering what Janet had taught her, when she had first told her about the panic attacks. 'Think of something you love, and focus on that'. So Sam closed her eyes, and focused on going past the aching blue of the sky, up into the dark, the stars streaking past, the planets hanging in front of her. That was why she had wanted to be an astronaut, not just to visit other planets, but to be in space, amongst the stars, one more tiny white dot amongst the multitude. She missed that, gating to other worlds. She smiled, her eyes still closed, as she heard someone sit down beside her.
"I got ice-cream." He said. "Those little tubs of Ben and Jerry's, you know?"
"Did you get a fork to eat yours with?" she asked lazily.
"Huh?" Pete asked. She opened her eyes quickly. He was smiling uncertainly, as if he was not sure if he should be laughing at a joke he didn't quite understand. Sam shook her head, signifying she meant nothing, and sat up hurriedly. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Losing track of where she was, who she was with. Ever since...determinedly she pushed that from her mind. For ten minutes she allowed herself the luxury of giggling and joking and flirting with Pete, being only sweet, sexy, Sam, not Major Carter.
But then Pete said,
"What's wrong? I mean, really, what's wrong?"
She sighed. She'd really hoped that the last person who would ask what was wrong would be Pete.
"Just a bad time at work. You know how it is." She said, concentrating on the last of her ice-cream.
"Tell me." Pete insisted. "Maybe I can help."
She almost laughed. Help? How could he? How could she even begin to tell him what she'd done, what she'd become. He'd never understand. He could never begin to cope with the darkness she'd seen in herself. He'd deny it. Or worse, get up and walk away. He'd never even suspected that side of her existed.
"I can't. It's classified. Look," she said, as Pete started to object, "Don't you have cases that are classified? That you're not supposed to discuss with anyone else?"
"Yeah, but you're different. I'd tell you anything if you asked, if it was really important to you."
"Well, I can't." she said, trying to dismiss it.
"You've already told me the worst. The Stargate, and all that." He said, dropping his voice to a whisper.
The worst. No, he hadn't heard the worst.
"I have to go." Sam said, standing up and brushing the grass off her skirt.
"You're not due to go on shift for another three hours." Pete pointed out, gently, but obviously hurt.
"But I have a lot of work to do and preparation to make. I have to go."
He scrambled up, and she kissed him goodbye before he could object any more, and left. What she had said was partially true. She did have a lot to prepare. But not for a mission. To face the enquiry. An enquiry into how a civilian had died, off world, while in Major Carter's care.