"Give a Reason for Life"
by Argy
Note: "Slayers" and all its characters are copyright 1989-present Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, Kadokawa Shoten, TV Tokyo, SOFTX. The views expressed in this work are based on the observations, perspective, and opinion of the author. Although this story is based on known Slayers facts, in no way is this fictional piece of work meant to be an official canon representation of "Slayers" or the characters it involves.

This story-essay contains spoilers for all of the Slayers series. If you haven't seen all of the series, then be advised you may run into something you aren't or don't want to be familiar with.

Note: "The Voice" is not meant to be the author. It is not meant to be anyone in particular, for that matter. Not Xelloss, not the Lord of Nightmares... not anyone.

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Surely somewhere there lies "The Answer," The answer which was born That is what all people wish for Facing the dreary dream that they can't let go

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1/4 - Zelgadiss Graywords

Tell me about your childhood.
There's not much to say. Nothing matters before the point I was turned into this... creature.

What do you think of your body?
What do I think? Do you even have to ask?

What do you think of your body?
Very well, then. I think it's the most freakish thing ever created. I hate myself for it. People wonder why I don't want to be part of the group- it's because I CAN'T be part of the group. I really do wish I could have fun, but how can I do that when I should be spending my time trying to find a cure? I can't swim; I can't be seen in public without covering myself up; what am I SUPPOSED to do? The only option is to return to normal so I can do all these things and go back to a normal lifestyle. Petty things like friends and fun mean nothing if you're too busy being preoccupied with how you look and how people perceive you.

Is this why you are lonely?
Of course. I can't have friends when I look like this.

Oh? You don't have friends?
...I.... well...

Tell me about your friends.
Zolf and Rodimus were my first friends. I never really appreciated them until they were gone, and to this day I still hate myself for it. When they were alive I used them for their power. They were only pawns in my quest to find my cure. If Rezo had never existed... they would still be alive. And I wouldn't have this body. Of course, if Rezo had never existed, I wouldn't be here either, but I suppose anything's better than how I'm living now.

You mean to say your friends don't make you happy?
Happy?! I don't know what that is!

Then let's not talk about happiness. What do you think of your friends?
I never said they were my friends.

Then let's call them your traveling companions. What do you think of them?
When I met Lina, my first impression was that there was no way a girl like her could be as powerful as the rumors said. At first that was true, but there was a reason for her initial weakness and eventually she demonstrated to me just how true the rumors were. And then there was Gourry, who seemed very suspicious of me at first even after Lina told him we were allies. As I look back I find this strange because the Gourry I know now is usually very easygoing and accepting of most people. Of course, most people don't have a body like mine. But anyway, I wouldn't exactly consider Gourry my best friend... I mean, I can't exactly talk to him about serious subjects without having to explain everything only to find out he wasn't paying attention.

If not Gourry, who do you consider your best friend?
I... I don't know. I never really thought about it.

Is it possible you can't decide because you like all your friends equally?
I don't know. I mean, there are certain qualities in each of them I don't like, and I definitely know there are qualities in me that they don't approve of. It's human nature not to be completely satisfied with your friends. I once heard that whatever you don't like in someone else is something that you're missing, and you should try to fill that void somehow. I don't know how, though. It would be impossible for me to be cheerful.

You don't like cheerfulness?
It bothers me. How can someone be so optimistic when there are so many bad things happening to them? But then there are the people who never have bad things happen to them; people who, even if faced with a difficult situation, always manage to get through it and in the end everything's so perfect.

Would you say your friends are these kind of people?
Of course. First you have Lina, who's always being hunted down by someone. The rest of us get dragged into it somehow, even though we're usually of no help at all. I hate it how Lina will always try to make it seem like the rest of us matter too, by saying things like, "So-and-so is after US," and "I hope WE can defeat whoever," when in truth it's only HER that's important. SHE's the one who's being chased after, not US. SHE's the one who defeats the enemy, always with little or no help from US. The enemy could care less who the hell WE are, they're only concerned about Lina.

Are you jealous of Lina?
No, not really. It's not like I want to be hated by every mazoku, bandit, and rogue criminal in the world. I just don't like it how she takes the blame she deserves and puts it on everyone else. Her problems shouldn't be my responsibility.

And what about Gourry? What is it about him you dislike?
Well, of course there's the obvious problem with his intellegence and memory. It's so predictable; everytime there's something important to know, you can be sure Gourry doesn't understand or remember. Then Lina beats him up. I have a feeling that some of the ignorance on his part is intentional; I think he enjoys the attention. He wouldn't be able to get anything out of Lina if he acted the exact way she wanted him to. But then again, this is Gourry I'm talking about, and with him you can never really tell.

And Ameria? You haven't mentioned her yet. Do you consider her your friend?
I guess you could say that. And your next question? Is she one of the optimistic people? Yes, she's the most cheerful of them all. Does this bother me? Yes, but not as much as I let on. I know I said I don't like being around people like that, but there's something different about her. Something I can't quite put my finger on...

Is there anything about her you dislike, other than the optimism?
I don't enjoy the frequent justice speeches. They draw attention to the group and people focused on our group always end up staring at me. It's embarrassing. I suppose this can't be helped, though. It was the way she was brought up. I was always alone when I was young, so the only thing I could do was train to become a warrior. With Ameria, it's totally different. She's the princess; she's the one everyone's trying to influence in a good way so that when she becomes their ruler she'll do whatever they want her to. Nevermind thinking for yourself; when you're in a position with her status you have to conform to what the people desire. I could never be that way. No wonder her sister disappeared. I bet she was a weak, cowardly person, just like me. I have to admire Ameria's courage, but sometimes I wonder if she knows what she's in for. She deserves better treatment than what she gets. Not necessarily from her friends, but from the people of Saillune. I'm sure they expect her to be just like her father, and I know that would be a hard reputation to live up to. This could be the reason why she's so justice-oriented; she knows her father is loved by the people, so in order to have them feel the same way about her she must be like him.

Deserves better from her friends? Are you saying you're not worthy?
No, I never said that. I just think she deserves better than what she has.

But what if she's happy with what she has? Did you ever consider that?
No, because I know it's not true. Why would she be happy with something less than perfect if she could have anything she wants? This is one of the main reasons why I decided not to stay in Saillune with her after she asked me to. I knew it would only end up in something terrible for both of us. Besides, why would I spend my time hanging around doing nothing when there's possibly a cure out there for me to find?

Please tell me why you didn't stay in Saillune, other than trying to find a cure.
I... I didn't want her to get hurt. No... I didn't want ME to get hurt, either. I've seen firsthand how these situations turn out. Take the relationship between Rezo and Eris, for example. Rezo wanted nothing more than to find a cure for his condition, and Eris supported him all the way. She tried to be helpful, but in the end nothing worked for him and he ended up going insane, leaving Eris heartbroken. I'm not one to sympathize with either Rezo OR Eris, but in this case I could see myself reflected in Rezo and I didn't want to end up like him. That's why I want to find my cure as quickly as possible, not involving anyone who I wouldn't want to see hurt.

Can you truthfully compare the relationship between Rezo and Eris to that of you and Ameria?
The situation seems very similar.

Eris loved Rezo, but did Rezo love her in return?
...I don't know...

Eris really did love him. Maybe he didn't realize that and before he did, it was already too late.
I.... I guess so....but how can you love someone if you can't even love yourself?

People are willing to give up their lives for the one they love.
What's your point? How does this relate to me?

Have you ever risked your safety or even your life for Ameria?
I... well... I think so, yes.

And are you content with who you are?
No.

Are you sure?
I... don't know.

So can you still compare yourself to Rezo?
...