She could only stay there for so long. Eventually the sobs subsided, and she stepped back, knowing she ought to feel embarrassed by what had happened, but feeling only relieved.
"Why?" he asked her.
"PTSD." She replied.
"No. No, not you. And not using these. There's more, isn't there?"
She shook her head.
"Whatever you did, Sam, it's ok. You can tell me." he told her, still gently.
"No. What I did...you can't." she said, her blue eyes as bleak as ice.
"Sam, whatever the hell you did, I swear to you, I've done worse."
One of the suns was setting, turning the white grass red, so it looked as though they stood in a field of blood.
"What have you done?" she whispered.
He shook his head. "I'm not going to tell you." He told her.
"There's nothing you can tell me that will change the way I feel about you." She said quickly, then turned away. She was beginning to lose control.
"My thoughts exactly. But that's not why. It's because right now you don't care what I did. You only care about getting these back." He shook the bottle of pills, the cap firmly back on. "I'll tell you, I promise, everything I did, once these are out of your system. I'm not proud of what I did, I'm ashamed of a lot of it, but I'll tell you. But first you have to tell me what happened on P69-522X"
She took a deep breath. She had to have those pills, to regain her control, and she could see no other way. Maybe if he understood, he'd give them back to her.
"Anubis was coming. I knew if he caught me, it'd all be over. For everyone. He'd kill thousands, millions, wipe out whole worlds, make millions suffer, and it'd all be my fault."
"No, not your fault."
"Yes, mine." She insisted. "Whatever happened, Anubis couldn't capture me. Not alive, anyway." He winced, but she continued. "We were safe in that room, I was sure. But Dr Marlin, he screamed when he saw Anubis. And he kept on screaming, and shouting and calling.
oh God I'm going to die, sweet Jesus, help me.
He wouldn't be quiet. No matter what I said, he panicked. He was gasping, and crying, and he was so loud and then Anubis looked over at me, right at me, and I realised he'd heard Dr Marlin, and I thought, if he finds me, he'll destroy the Earth, the entire galaxy.
it's not just my life. It's everyone's. Oh God, the things I know
I rushed over to Dr Marlin, and pushed him down on the floor, and put my hand over his mouth.
He struggled for a second, then went still. I though he'd finally got the message. I looked up, and saw Anubis ordering the bomb be set. Then I took my hand away.
He was dead. I'd suffocated him. Then the bomb went off, and I passed out."
She stopped. One sun had gone behind the horizon now, and the place was full of shadows. He tried to pull her into his arms again, but she stepped away, stiff and alone in her pain, in her darkness.
"It wasn't your fault." Jack told her.
"I killed him!" she snapped.
"No, you didn't. Janet would have said. There's something else, I promise you."
"No. you wanted to know what I did, and there it is. I'm a murderer. Now will you please give me back my pills."
"No, I'm sorry." He told her, his face creased in pain.
"Please, I need them." She asked him, surprised.
"You need to come off them. These aren't helping."
"Just one then, one more. Jack please." She begged, holding out her hand, and he flinched to hear her speak his name like that, but he threw the bottle to the ground, and shot it with his zat, three times.
"I can't do without them." She said, quietly, staring at the scorched patch in the ground. "It's too late for me."
"You can. It's never too late."
"I can still hear him screaming."
"I can still hear Charlie screaming." And this time she didn't resist when he put his arms around her, and pulled her close, as much for his comfort as hers. "I'll help you, Sam. You won't be alone, I promise you."
"Why?" he asked her.
"PTSD." She replied.
"No. No, not you. And not using these. There's more, isn't there?"
She shook her head.
"Whatever you did, Sam, it's ok. You can tell me." he told her, still gently.
"No. What I did...you can't." she said, her blue eyes as bleak as ice.
"Sam, whatever the hell you did, I swear to you, I've done worse."
One of the suns was setting, turning the white grass red, so it looked as though they stood in a field of blood.
"What have you done?" she whispered.
He shook his head. "I'm not going to tell you." He told her.
"There's nothing you can tell me that will change the way I feel about you." She said quickly, then turned away. She was beginning to lose control.
"My thoughts exactly. But that's not why. It's because right now you don't care what I did. You only care about getting these back." He shook the bottle of pills, the cap firmly back on. "I'll tell you, I promise, everything I did, once these are out of your system. I'm not proud of what I did, I'm ashamed of a lot of it, but I'll tell you. But first you have to tell me what happened on P69-522X"
She took a deep breath. She had to have those pills, to regain her control, and she could see no other way. Maybe if he understood, he'd give them back to her.
"Anubis was coming. I knew if he caught me, it'd all be over. For everyone. He'd kill thousands, millions, wipe out whole worlds, make millions suffer, and it'd all be my fault."
"No, not your fault."
"Yes, mine." She insisted. "Whatever happened, Anubis couldn't capture me. Not alive, anyway." He winced, but she continued. "We were safe in that room, I was sure. But Dr Marlin, he screamed when he saw Anubis. And he kept on screaming, and shouting and calling.
oh God I'm going to die, sweet Jesus, help me.
He wouldn't be quiet. No matter what I said, he panicked. He was gasping, and crying, and he was so loud and then Anubis looked over at me, right at me, and I realised he'd heard Dr Marlin, and I thought, if he finds me, he'll destroy the Earth, the entire galaxy.
it's not just my life. It's everyone's. Oh God, the things I know
I rushed over to Dr Marlin, and pushed him down on the floor, and put my hand over his mouth.
He struggled for a second, then went still. I though he'd finally got the message. I looked up, and saw Anubis ordering the bomb be set. Then I took my hand away.
He was dead. I'd suffocated him. Then the bomb went off, and I passed out."
She stopped. One sun had gone behind the horizon now, and the place was full of shadows. He tried to pull her into his arms again, but she stepped away, stiff and alone in her pain, in her darkness.
"It wasn't your fault." Jack told her.
"I killed him!" she snapped.
"No, you didn't. Janet would have said. There's something else, I promise you."
"No. you wanted to know what I did, and there it is. I'm a murderer. Now will you please give me back my pills."
"No, I'm sorry." He told her, his face creased in pain.
"Please, I need them." She asked him, surprised.
"You need to come off them. These aren't helping."
"Just one then, one more. Jack please." She begged, holding out her hand, and he flinched to hear her speak his name like that, but he threw the bottle to the ground, and shot it with his zat, three times.
"I can't do without them." She said, quietly, staring at the scorched patch in the ground. "It's too late for me."
"You can. It's never too late."
"I can still hear him screaming."
"I can still hear Charlie screaming." And this time she didn't resist when he put his arms around her, and pulled her close, as much for his comfort as hers. "I'll help you, Sam. You won't be alone, I promise you."