Learning to Live Again
By: Barbara Kennedy
Disclaimer: It all belongs to J.K. Rowling, even this Alternate
Universe most of us play in.
Author's Note: This story contains male pregnancy, but it is
definitely not a slash story nor is it likely to become one, so don't
ask. In this story Snape is comfortably heterosexual. I've decided to
change the rating to PG-13 due to frank discussion of anatomy,
pregnancy and its symptoms and possible grossness and language.
Just remember, I'm doing this for fun and I don't have a set deadline.
I know you all want regular updates, but I can't promise them. This is
going to be a long story for it to be told properly, so bear with me.
Important Author's Note: Something I forgot to establish in the
earlier chapters, the date of the Hogwarts Battle is March 8, 1998,
(Which I looked up – it was a Sunday.) in Harry's seventh year as a
student. (Many thanks go to the HP Lexicon for their Timeline!)
Chapter Four: Pompous Circumstances Severus balanced on his toes as he crouched low over the toilet, glad that he had started keeping his shoulder-length hair tied back at his neck to keep most of it away from his face. His stomach seemed to tear itself apart to find anything else it could expel. After a few more spasms with no results, he figured he was done for the moment and carefully stood up, breathing slowly and deeply, trying to calm his nausea. When it finally eased, he went to the sink to rinse his mouth.
This was the third time he had vomited that day.
The castle and grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were finally repaired and safe enough for the Ministry of Magic to use it as the location of its Award and Memorial Service in memory of the valiant sacrifice of those who had lost their lives in the fight against Voldemort as well as to celebrate the surviving heroes of the Final Battle at Hogwarts. Severus Snape was expected to attend. After all, he was now counted as one of those "Noble and Brave Heroes" though perhaps not as loudly or often as was Harry Potter.
He had sneered at the Minister of Magic's invitation to the event when it had arrived by owl-post just days ago and nearly burned it right there at the head table during breakfast, but Headmaster Dumbledore had informed him and the rest of Hogwarts' staff that their attendance was mandatory unless they were still under medical care in the Hospital Wing or at St. Mungo's, as was the tiny Charms Professor, Filius Flitwick, who had quite astounded many by his ferocity in the defense of the school and had been grievously wounded while defending a group of students from Voldemort's minions at the very door to the school.
Severus hated sitting in front of the large crowd of strangers in attendance that night in the Great Hall, as if he was some sort of exotic and rare exhibit on display along with all the other heroes. He had also tried, unsuccessfully, to avoid having his picture taken "to record this important historic moment" as one of the many reporters in the crowd had said.
Severus now stood leaning on the sink, debating whether or not to return to the ceremony. He knew he would not be missed if he did not return. Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge had seemed to be in pain just from calling out his name when he had been awarded the Order of Merlin, First Class, so it was not likely that Fudge would willingly be calling on him to speak this evening.
He had almost disgraced himself in front of the entire gathering when he was hit with another sudden intense wave of nausea. Fortunately for him, it had come after he had accepted his award and returned to his seat. It was at a moment before a new speaker was introduced and everyone was out of their seats applauding anyway. Severus was able to slip out of the hall and rush to the nearest toilet. It was a close call; he had almost not made it.
No, they had Potter to fawn over, so let them. It was not even likely that the Boy-Who-Defeated-The-Dark-Lord would be asked to speak, at least not by Fudge.
He decided that he was in no mood to return to listen to that incompetent ass, Cornelius Fudge, babble on for another hour or so, saying nothing in a very long-winded manner. Fudge enjoyed the sound of his own voice entirely too much.
He thought for a moment about what Albus would say if he didn't return, but at the moment he was not feeling charitable towards the older man for making him come to this ceremony to begin with. It was not as if they couldn't have given him the Order of Merlin privately. Although, Severus allowed a sneering smile to grace his face momentarily at the memory of Fudge's face when he had to shake Snape's hand and be ever-so-polite to him as he gave Severus the medal. That alone had made it worth the misery of enduring this whole tedious evening.
Besides, if he was pressed about it, he could say that he had come. Albus had never said he had to stay for the whole thing. Besides, he was really feeling quite tired and thought it might be best if he just went down to his chambers to rest for a while.
While everyone else, including the Headmaster, was trapped at the ceremony in the Great Hall he felt he could have a few uninterrupted moments alone. They seemed to be a rare commodity lately.
The trip down to his rooms in the dungeons was slower than usual. Severus didn't have the energy to move in his usual long-legged stride tonight. Therefore, he tried to make it appear that he was strolling along deep in thought as he made his way slowly, instead of at his normal sweeping pace, in case he met someone else who had decided to leave the ceremony early.
It wasn't difficult to give the impression that he had a lot on his mind. He had been feeling weak and listless, and it greatly worried him that he already seemed to be having problems with his pregnancy aside from the normal expected troubles, such as the morning sickness. It had now been nearly a month since he had been cursed by Voldemort.
He had been feeling run down all week, and at first, he had thought it was because he had not been sleeping enough. He had been plagued by nightmares almost every night. He had also been kept busy brewing needed potions and helping Draco Malfoy cope with his losses. On top of that, he had been called upon to help prepare extra security wards for the masses of people that were going to invade Hogwarts because of the ceremony.
Apparently, Dumbledore had noticed his lack of energy and delegated him to less strenuous jobs by the end of all the preparation, but still he was tired.
Then there was the fact that he was. . . uncomfortable. He was not sure how else to put it. It was not that he was in any real pain. He just ached a bit. He had been feeling a dull ache all throughout his abdomen and chest. Although, if he did too much and became fatigued, he seemed to easily become short of breath and his heart pounded. He had told Poppy about it in one of their secret meetings. She had examined him and found nothing to explain it. It was her opinion that it was due to his body beginning to go through the changes necessary for the developing fetus. Women had an easier time because their bodies were already designed for child-bearing. Whatever the reason, the discomfort was just enough for him to be unable to ignore it, but not strong enough to really cause him a problem.
Snape's biggest problem with the whole fiasco so far was Dumbledore's behavior toward him. The older Wizard was still following him around constantly and kept showing up uninvited to any scheduled meeting Severus had with Madam Pomfrey. Now, because of this, Severus had taken to having secret appointments with Poppy so he could talk frankly to her about concerns he had about his pregnancy. Poppy was still unhappy that Severus had not informed the Headmaster of the seriousness of his condition but, so far, she had not taken it upon herself to do it instead. Severus was grateful for that, at least.
He was a little surprised that Dumbledore had not figured it all out himself. He usually seemed to know everything that went on under the roof of the school. Severus knew the older wizard had also been researching pregnancy so he could make sure the baby would be healthy. It was Dumbledore's newest interest, he was now spending hours at a time in the library and the Head of Hogwarts was now quoting, when no one else was around, from different books about what Severus needed to do. Sometimes Severus truly believed that Albus Dumbledore was simply going out of his way to irritate him.
Snape figured that Dumbledore was having the same trouble he had encountered while trying to find information about male pregnancy. He knew what a difficult time he had encountered trying to find any references beyond a line or two barely mentioning that male pregnancy was possible. Snape was sure that some of the difficulty Albus was encountering was because the one decent reference book he had found, he had secretly taken from the library. Snape was almost surprised that the strict Hogwarts librarian, Madam Pince, had not missed that particular tome and used the Accio charm to bring the book back to the library by now.
Severus could not deny that Dumbledore truly seemed to want this baby and that he was willing to do anything he could to make sure it was born healthy.
Severus was grateful that, for whatever reason so far, Dumbledore had not been able to figure out exactly how dangerous male pregnancies tended to be, because he could not imagine what Dumbledore would be like once he found out. There would be no living with Dumbledore if he knew. It was bad enough that he, himself knew, and it scared him, more than he cared to admit.
"I will make you suffer for months before an extremely slow, painful and shameful death." Voldemort's last taunting words haunted his dreams now and tortured his thoughts daily. He had not shared that little bit of information with anyone, not even Madam Pomfrey. He was determined that he did not want Dumbledore to ever know the full intent of that final malevolent curse. Severus feared that Voldemort's intent in the use of this particular curse had twisted its possible benevolent effects to a death curse of the darkest variety.
Severus had almost reached the stairs down to the dungeon when he heard someone call his name. He turned to see Minerva McGonagall hurrying toward him. She was doing quite well since recovering from the injuries she had suffered in the battle.
"Severus, are you alright?" questioned the stern but gentle Head of Gryffindor. There was no mistaking the genuine concern in her voice. "I noticed you did not look well during the ceremony, and then you suddenly rushed out of the hall. I just wanted to make sure that you were alright."
Severus deeply respected his fellow co-worker and over the years the two had become friends, or as close to friends as Severus allowed anyone to become. Though, while still a student, he had thought of her as "the enemy" because she was the Head of Gryffindor House, the rival of his own House of Slytherin. He had found a whole new appreciation for her, though, as a colleague. He found that he generally liked her and to his surprise she seemed to like him, they were comfortable in each other's company. Although she was the one other person besides Poppy Pomfrey that he felt he could talk to about his. . . unique situation, he did not feel he could do so, at least, not just yet.
"I'm fine," he replied when the witch had reached his side in the hallway. "I just could not stand another minute of Fudge's self-serving speeches."
Minerva gave him a searching look and Severus found himself fidgeting under her gaze as if he was once again a student in her classroom in some kind of trouble. Her black hair tied up in a tight bun gave her an intimidating appearance and Severus had to remind himself that he was indeed her co- worker and no longer her student.
"Well, I have to agree with you there. That man..." broke off McGonagall, shaking her head in exasperation.
The corners of Severus' lips curled up into a small smile. He almost believed that Professor McGonagall disliked the Minister of Magic more than he did.
"Severus," She said gently, though once again completely serious, "if there is something troubling you, you can always come talk to me. I'm always willing to listen."
He knew he had not fooled her. She could tell there was something troubling him, but she was not going to press him to talk about it. Severus nodded his appreciation, but did not say anything more. He was wondering if she had heard the current rumor that he was dying from a horrific curse. "Well then, good night, Severus." McGonagall gave him one more pointed look, before heading back the way she came. Severus stood there for a moment before making his way down to the dungeons. When he reached his quarters, he decided that he really did not care to sleep just yet, so instead he headed towards his private potions lab.
Severus quietly entered his lab and gathered all the materials he needed to make a healing draught that Poppy was always running out of. He sat down at one of his work areas and began the intricate process of measuring, cutting, shredding, slicing, and grinding the many different ingredients and getting them ready to be added into the potion. Since he was a boy, he had always been very good at potion making, second only to his talent in the Dark Arts. Over the years, potion making had become very therapeutic for him. When he was stressed or needed some time to think, he could always go into his lab and give himself some time alone. Since he had discovered what Voldemort had done to him, he had found himself spending more and more time in his lab. At least here, he felt in control.
"Ah, there you are Severus." came the familiar, ever-cheerful voice of the headmaster.
Severus head shot up in surprise at the unexpected presence and questioned, "Is the ceremony finished?"
"Yes," replied Dumbledore walking further into the room. "It completed just over an hour ago, but many people lingered to speak with me."
Severus looked startled for a moment and then checked his clock. He was surprised to see that three hours had indeed passed since he had entered his lab. He looked around the room and noticed that he had almost finished with the first batch of potion.
"What are you making?" questioned the Headmaster.
"A healing draught for Madam Pomfrey." replied Severus, stirring the simmering purple potion and then removing it from the fire.
The Headmaster frowned slightly and then said, "I wanted to talk you about the upcoming classes."
Though the school year should be officially over, the final battle against Voldemort had caused the school to shut down for a few weeks. Because if this, it had been decided that Hogwarts would remain open for the fifth and seventh years so they could spend some time preparing for their O.W.L.S. and N.E.W.T.S. and then take the tests they needed. Other years could take a break, but next term, they would have to make up the time they had lost. Severus knew all this, and did not see what needed to be discussed. Curious, he nodded towards the Headmaster to proceed.
"I am concern about you teaching Potions while you are pregnant," began Dumbledore, and quickly continued when he saw the younger man open his mouth to protest, "and I have decided to get someone else to teach your classes until after the baby is born."
"Headmaster," objected Severus angrily, his black eyes flaring at the other man, "you can't be serious."
"I am quite serious," stated Dumbledore calmly. "I have already asked Madam Arianna Valdez to take over your classes for you until you are ready to come back."
"Until I'm ready to come back?" Snape repeated in disbelief. His face began to flush with anger. He put down the wooden spoon he had been using to stir the potion because his hands had begun to shake with suppressed anger.
"Yes." confirmed Dumbledore. "I know you may be unhappy with me at the moment, Severus," Albus continued quickly, seeing how red-faced the Potions Master was becoming, "but it is really for the best. Just look around you," said the headmaster gesturing towards all the ingredients on the worktable, "there are many harmful potions and ingredients that could cause you or the baby harm. What if there was a potion accident? You have always complained about the students, Neville Longbottom in particular, exploding or melting their cauldrons. If you were involved in one of those incidents, it could seriously affect the health of the baby. There is just so much that could go wrong."
"You are being unrealistic," Severus hissed between his teeth, trying to calm himself, "there are dangers everywhere, and you can't protect me from everything."
"Perhaps not," agreed Dumbledore, "but I can remove some of the risks." Albus looked at Severus with solemn eyes before stating, "I know you may disagree with my decision, but you are now relieved from your teaching duties until after the baby is born."
Severus paled and opened his mouth to speak but then snapped it shut. His withering glare swept over Dumbledore before he angrily stormed from the room without another word, slamming the door behind him.
TBC
Well, I know that was short, but I have been getting so many wonderful requests for me to get back to this story, that I felt I absolutely MUST get something posted for you. This was a part of a much longer bit, but the rest of it is in severe need of a rewrite before I will be posting it.