Chapter 15: Facing the Truth
The next morning, all of his roommates were surprised to see him up and dressed when they awoke. He told them what happened with the caretaker, but he didn't fill them in on the details of why he and Lily were in the hallway together. He was relieved when they didn't ask for any details. James, as Remus had expected, didn't mind that they had borrowed his cloak. They met Lily in the hall for breakfast and she looked just as tired as he did.
The day seemed to go by very slowly to Remus because he was dreading detention after dinner. The only class he actually wished would end was Transfiguration. Pringle couldn't have told her which students he had caught last night; he hadn't asked their names. Nevertheless, Remus felt so guilty just seeing the head of his house. At the end of the class, McGonagall gave a general speech about how adhering to school rules was absolutely necessary and how she didn't want to hear of any more Gryffindor transgressions. Remus wanted to be anywhere but where he was. At long last, they were allowed out of class.
After Potions, Lily and Remus walked together in silence to dinner, while Sirius, Austin, James and Peter walked ahead of them, talking and laughing. Dinner tasted like sawdust to the worried Remus, and he could tell by the way that Lily was picking at her food that she would agree. Then, dinner was over, and the two nervous students walked in the opposite direction from their friends. Remus heard James yell, "Good luck!" as they walked away, and Remus turned around and gave James a weak smile.
At first they had a bit of trouble locating the caretaker's office. When they entered, Pringle was nowhere in sight. Remus let out an audible sigh of relief. "Maybe he won't show up," he said hopefully.
Lily looked at him uneasily. "Maybe."
Then, the door swung open and Apollyan Pringle stood hideously before them. "I was wonderin' if yous two kids would shows up," he cackled. "I never gots yous kids names last night, but it doesn't matter. Your house lost points and you're gonna work 'arder then you ever 'ave in your 'ole lives." He began laughing, which made Lily cringe.
"Well?" the old caretaker said. "Aren't you goin to introduce yourselves?"
"I'm Remus and this is Lily," Remus replied calmly.
"Well Remus and Lily, your first task tonight is to clean out the owlery without magic. Don't look relieved, it won't be your only job, nor is it pleasant. The owls like to bring in dead mice and snakes." Seeing the disgusted look on Remus' face, Pringle laughed again. He handed them brooms and buckets and warned them not to try to leave the job half done because he would be waiting to check their work.
As Pringle had promised, the work was not pleasant, but Remus was determined to finish the job tonight. He didn't ever want to have another detention in his life. He noticed that Lily was working as hard as he was, but she wasn't speaking.
"Everything ok, Lily?" Remus asked, breaking the silence.
Lily shrugged. "I guess. I just hate having to wait for you to explain everything."
Sighing, Remus agreed. "I know, I want to get it off of my chest as well, but we just don't have time during the day for a long private conversation with just the six of us."
"I know and I'm not blaming you, it's just hard. I've got a lot going through my mind right now and it won't get any better until I've heard your side of it."
"I'm sorry," Remus said. "I don't want to cause you pain and stress."
Lily smiled at him reassuringly. "You think I don't know that? I'll survive another day, but I don't know if I could survive another detention like this!" She held up the remains of a large rat.
Remus laughed, and soon Lily joined in. The laughter dissolved all of the bad feelings and the disgusting task they were undertaking. All that was left was their friendship, and Remus wanted the moment to last forever because he didn't know if there would be any more moments like that once Lily knew the truth about him.
It was just about midnight when they finished. Pringle looked disappointed when he saw what a good job they had done. There was nothing he could complain about. Grudgingly, he told them that if they worked that hard the next night, they would be done serving detentions. Remus was happy to be halfway done, but now he would have to start planning how he was going to tell his friends his secret. After saying goodnight to Lily in the hallway, he went to his room and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next two days went by fast- too fast for Remus. He and Lily had their last detention and all too soon it was dinner the next night. Remus knew he had to tell everyone after dinner was over and he was dreading it. Lily was in a tense mood as well, trying to wait patiently for Remus' news. Finally James said, "What's going on with you two? You look really anxious."
Lily looked at Remus, deciding that he was going to be the one to answer. "Well, I have something I want to talk to you all about after dinner. Lily's been waiting since the day we got our detentions to hear it, but there hasn't been time for a discussion since."
Sirius, James, Peter and Austin looked at each other with puzzled expressions. They had no idea what Remus wanted to talk to them about. James looked at Remus and said, "Where do you want to talk?"
"Probably the library, as long as there aren't many people there. I don't want anyone to find out about this," Remus said, looking down at his untouched food.
James smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry. Whatever it is, it'll be between us."
Suddenly, dinner was over and the group walked to the library. Remus felt a bit numb as he tried to rehearse his speech in his head. The library was deserted except for the librarian, who looked at the six students suspiciously, but said nothing to them as they huddled together in a corner.
Remus cleared his throat and began. "First of all, I know that Peter wanted to prove to us how much he wants to be our friend again, and keeping this secret is the perfect way. I am showing you how much I trust you by including you while I tell my secret, I expect you to keep your mouth shut."
Peter nodded solemnly as Sirius and James exchanged looks that plainly said, "What kind of secret is Remus keeping?"
"Well," Remus said nervously. "You know how I've been going to visit my mom every month? And how I left the Halloween feast because I was sick?" His friends all nodded. "I wasn't really going home or in the hospital wing, I was going to the abandoned house in Hogsmeade."
"Why?" Austin blurted out.
Remus took a deep breath and answered Austin's question while looking down at the floor. "Because it was a full moon, and I'm a werewolf." Silence followed this shocking statement. Remus slowly looked up from the floor to his friends' faces. He was expecting them to look horrified, but they all looked a bit shocked, but concerned.
"How did it happen?" Lily asked softly.
"When I was four, my family went camping. I wandered off and ended up getting bitten by a werewolf. That's why we left the wizard world actually. It scared my mom to death, there's no cure and the best the doctors could do was delay the effects for 7 years."
"What actually happens at the full moon?" Peter asked.
"Well, I turn into a wolf and I howl and stuff. If I ever saw any person, I'd attack them. I have a wolf's mind and I can't control it. I can't even remember what happened while I was a wolf."
There was silence for another minute, and James asked in a hurt voice, "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
Remus hung his head again. "I thought you wouldn't want to be my friends anymore, once you knew I was a monster."
They all began to talk at once (except for Peter, who hadn't really been Remus' friend before.) "You thought we'd stop being your friend because of THAT?" Sirius bellowed.
"We're your real friends, Remus, we wouldn't do that to you!" Lily exclaimed.
"You're not a monster!" Austin added.
"We'll stick by you no matter what," James said indignantly.
Remus couldn't help but smile. "You mean it guys?" he said eagerly.
"Of course we do," Lily said. Then she added, "Was that what you were dreaming about that night at James'?"
"Yeah," Remus replied. "In my dream, I was attacking a bunch of people. That's my worst fear, is that I'll get out and attack someone." He shuddered.
Lily put an arm around him. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you've made sure that won't happen." She hesitated for a moment, looking around at everyone else, then went ahead anyway. "Is this the reason you ran out on me the other night? Did you think I wouldn't like you because you're a werewolf?" After Remus nodded, she went on. "Well, this is what I think about that." She leaned over and kissed him, right in front of everyone. It was the briefest brushing of lips, but it made Remus very happy.
Then he noticed the other boys looking at them strangely, waiting for an explanation. Except for James. He was smiling as broadly as Remus. "I knew you'd get her soon, Remus," he laughed.
Remus explained, "The night we made up with Peter, I came to the library to tell Lily where you were and she told me that she liked me. I wanted to tell her I liked her, too, but I was scared of what she'd think of my secret. So I left in a hurry without any explanation. Neither of us could sleep that night and we bumped into each other in the hallway."
Out of nowhere, Sirius suddenly asked. "How do you get to Hogsmeade every month?"
"There's a secret passage under the Whomping Willow that leads to the Shrieking Shack. I just have to touch a knot on the tree and it stops moving so I can get through," Remus replied.
Something dawned on James and he said, "At quidditch tryouts, that was you I saw in the woods, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Remus said sheepishly. "I wanted to watch and I didn't think anyone would notice. I was so scared that you would figure everything out!"
"I thought I was seeing things," James said. "But I'm glad I wasn't!" Everyone laughed and Remus felt much better having gotten his secret off of his chest.
A/N: I realized long after writing this chapter that Lupin says in Prisoner of Azkaban that his friends figured out that he was a werewolf, instead of him telling them, like he does here. This is just artistic license on my part; I am assuming that after so many years, the details of it became blurry to Lupin.
The next morning, all of his roommates were surprised to see him up and dressed when they awoke. He told them what happened with the caretaker, but he didn't fill them in on the details of why he and Lily were in the hallway together. He was relieved when they didn't ask for any details. James, as Remus had expected, didn't mind that they had borrowed his cloak. They met Lily in the hall for breakfast and she looked just as tired as he did.
The day seemed to go by very slowly to Remus because he was dreading detention after dinner. The only class he actually wished would end was Transfiguration. Pringle couldn't have told her which students he had caught last night; he hadn't asked their names. Nevertheless, Remus felt so guilty just seeing the head of his house. At the end of the class, McGonagall gave a general speech about how adhering to school rules was absolutely necessary and how she didn't want to hear of any more Gryffindor transgressions. Remus wanted to be anywhere but where he was. At long last, they were allowed out of class.
After Potions, Lily and Remus walked together in silence to dinner, while Sirius, Austin, James and Peter walked ahead of them, talking and laughing. Dinner tasted like sawdust to the worried Remus, and he could tell by the way that Lily was picking at her food that she would agree. Then, dinner was over, and the two nervous students walked in the opposite direction from their friends. Remus heard James yell, "Good luck!" as they walked away, and Remus turned around and gave James a weak smile.
At first they had a bit of trouble locating the caretaker's office. When they entered, Pringle was nowhere in sight. Remus let out an audible sigh of relief. "Maybe he won't show up," he said hopefully.
Lily looked at him uneasily. "Maybe."
Then, the door swung open and Apollyan Pringle stood hideously before them. "I was wonderin' if yous two kids would shows up," he cackled. "I never gots yous kids names last night, but it doesn't matter. Your house lost points and you're gonna work 'arder then you ever 'ave in your 'ole lives." He began laughing, which made Lily cringe.
"Well?" the old caretaker said. "Aren't you goin to introduce yourselves?"
"I'm Remus and this is Lily," Remus replied calmly.
"Well Remus and Lily, your first task tonight is to clean out the owlery without magic. Don't look relieved, it won't be your only job, nor is it pleasant. The owls like to bring in dead mice and snakes." Seeing the disgusted look on Remus' face, Pringle laughed again. He handed them brooms and buckets and warned them not to try to leave the job half done because he would be waiting to check their work.
As Pringle had promised, the work was not pleasant, but Remus was determined to finish the job tonight. He didn't ever want to have another detention in his life. He noticed that Lily was working as hard as he was, but she wasn't speaking.
"Everything ok, Lily?" Remus asked, breaking the silence.
Lily shrugged. "I guess. I just hate having to wait for you to explain everything."
Sighing, Remus agreed. "I know, I want to get it off of my chest as well, but we just don't have time during the day for a long private conversation with just the six of us."
"I know and I'm not blaming you, it's just hard. I've got a lot going through my mind right now and it won't get any better until I've heard your side of it."
"I'm sorry," Remus said. "I don't want to cause you pain and stress."
Lily smiled at him reassuringly. "You think I don't know that? I'll survive another day, but I don't know if I could survive another detention like this!" She held up the remains of a large rat.
Remus laughed, and soon Lily joined in. The laughter dissolved all of the bad feelings and the disgusting task they were undertaking. All that was left was their friendship, and Remus wanted the moment to last forever because he didn't know if there would be any more moments like that once Lily knew the truth about him.
It was just about midnight when they finished. Pringle looked disappointed when he saw what a good job they had done. There was nothing he could complain about. Grudgingly, he told them that if they worked that hard the next night, they would be done serving detentions. Remus was happy to be halfway done, but now he would have to start planning how he was going to tell his friends his secret. After saying goodnight to Lily in the hallway, he went to his room and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next two days went by fast- too fast for Remus. He and Lily had their last detention and all too soon it was dinner the next night. Remus knew he had to tell everyone after dinner was over and he was dreading it. Lily was in a tense mood as well, trying to wait patiently for Remus' news. Finally James said, "What's going on with you two? You look really anxious."
Lily looked at Remus, deciding that he was going to be the one to answer. "Well, I have something I want to talk to you all about after dinner. Lily's been waiting since the day we got our detentions to hear it, but there hasn't been time for a discussion since."
Sirius, James, Peter and Austin looked at each other with puzzled expressions. They had no idea what Remus wanted to talk to them about. James looked at Remus and said, "Where do you want to talk?"
"Probably the library, as long as there aren't many people there. I don't want anyone to find out about this," Remus said, looking down at his untouched food.
James smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry. Whatever it is, it'll be between us."
Suddenly, dinner was over and the group walked to the library. Remus felt a bit numb as he tried to rehearse his speech in his head. The library was deserted except for the librarian, who looked at the six students suspiciously, but said nothing to them as they huddled together in a corner.
Remus cleared his throat and began. "First of all, I know that Peter wanted to prove to us how much he wants to be our friend again, and keeping this secret is the perfect way. I am showing you how much I trust you by including you while I tell my secret, I expect you to keep your mouth shut."
Peter nodded solemnly as Sirius and James exchanged looks that plainly said, "What kind of secret is Remus keeping?"
"Well," Remus said nervously. "You know how I've been going to visit my mom every month? And how I left the Halloween feast because I was sick?" His friends all nodded. "I wasn't really going home or in the hospital wing, I was going to the abandoned house in Hogsmeade."
"Why?" Austin blurted out.
Remus took a deep breath and answered Austin's question while looking down at the floor. "Because it was a full moon, and I'm a werewolf." Silence followed this shocking statement. Remus slowly looked up from the floor to his friends' faces. He was expecting them to look horrified, but they all looked a bit shocked, but concerned.
"How did it happen?" Lily asked softly.
"When I was four, my family went camping. I wandered off and ended up getting bitten by a werewolf. That's why we left the wizard world actually. It scared my mom to death, there's no cure and the best the doctors could do was delay the effects for 7 years."
"What actually happens at the full moon?" Peter asked.
"Well, I turn into a wolf and I howl and stuff. If I ever saw any person, I'd attack them. I have a wolf's mind and I can't control it. I can't even remember what happened while I was a wolf."
There was silence for another minute, and James asked in a hurt voice, "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
Remus hung his head again. "I thought you wouldn't want to be my friends anymore, once you knew I was a monster."
They all began to talk at once (except for Peter, who hadn't really been Remus' friend before.) "You thought we'd stop being your friend because of THAT?" Sirius bellowed.
"We're your real friends, Remus, we wouldn't do that to you!" Lily exclaimed.
"You're not a monster!" Austin added.
"We'll stick by you no matter what," James said indignantly.
Remus couldn't help but smile. "You mean it guys?" he said eagerly.
"Of course we do," Lily said. Then she added, "Was that what you were dreaming about that night at James'?"
"Yeah," Remus replied. "In my dream, I was attacking a bunch of people. That's my worst fear, is that I'll get out and attack someone." He shuddered.
Lily put an arm around him. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you've made sure that won't happen." She hesitated for a moment, looking around at everyone else, then went ahead anyway. "Is this the reason you ran out on me the other night? Did you think I wouldn't like you because you're a werewolf?" After Remus nodded, she went on. "Well, this is what I think about that." She leaned over and kissed him, right in front of everyone. It was the briefest brushing of lips, but it made Remus very happy.
Then he noticed the other boys looking at them strangely, waiting for an explanation. Except for James. He was smiling as broadly as Remus. "I knew you'd get her soon, Remus," he laughed.
Remus explained, "The night we made up with Peter, I came to the library to tell Lily where you were and she told me that she liked me. I wanted to tell her I liked her, too, but I was scared of what she'd think of my secret. So I left in a hurry without any explanation. Neither of us could sleep that night and we bumped into each other in the hallway."
Out of nowhere, Sirius suddenly asked. "How do you get to Hogsmeade every month?"
"There's a secret passage under the Whomping Willow that leads to the Shrieking Shack. I just have to touch a knot on the tree and it stops moving so I can get through," Remus replied.
Something dawned on James and he said, "At quidditch tryouts, that was you I saw in the woods, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Remus said sheepishly. "I wanted to watch and I didn't think anyone would notice. I was so scared that you would figure everything out!"
"I thought I was seeing things," James said. "But I'm glad I wasn't!" Everyone laughed and Remus felt much better having gotten his secret off of his chest.
A/N: I realized long after writing this chapter that Lupin says in Prisoner of Azkaban that his friends figured out that he was a werewolf, instead of him telling them, like he does here. This is just artistic license on my part; I am assuming that after so many years, the details of it became blurry to Lupin.