The Squashed Harry Potter:
Part one: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

This is only intended for humorous purposes, both yours and mine. I wouldn't advise using this piece for a book report, etc, nor would I advise flaming me. Because I'm not the one who made you read it.
The idea of a "squashed" is to put a trilogy – or in this case, novel – into 100 words or less. But these books are pretty … unsquishable, so I'm going for 400.
PG  for mild swearing.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other related items. Duh.
Disclaimer 2: I am not the person who came up with the "squashed" idea, I merely saw it under the Mercedes Lackey heading, noticed that there wasn't one for Harry Potter and decided to write it.

Got it? Good.

***

Harry: Nobody likes me.
Dursleys: Damn straight!
*Owl appears*
Dursleys: AHH!!!!!! RUN!

*Go to hut on rock*

Hagrid: Happy birthday, Harry. I dislike your portly cousin. I'll give him a pig tail.
*Does so*
Harry: Whoa!
Hagrid: Oh, yeah, you're a wizard. Come with me.
Harry: OK!

Everybody in the pub: Oooh, Harry Potter!
Harry: Cool! People like me!

*On the train*

Ron: Watch me be awed.
Hermione: Watch me be bossy.
Both: Cool! Harry Potter!

*Later*

Harry: Ooh, broom. I think I'll go on it even though I'm not supposed to.
*Chases after Malfoy*
McGonagall: Ooh, Seeker! *Does little dance* We're gonna win the cup, we're gonna win the cup…
Harry: Cool, more publicity!

*Halloween*

Troll: Ungh!
Hermione: TROLL!!
Harry and Ron: Let's go save her!
*Do so*
Harry, Ron and Hermione (who shall henceforth be known as HRH): Maybe we could be friends.
Snape: *Deducts points*
Quirrell: *avoids Harry*

*Later yet*

HRH: !Dragon!
Hagrid: Ain't 'e cute?
HRH: Hehe…
Malfoy: Ooh, blackmail!
HRH: Shit, Malfoy saw! We have to get rid of it!
McGonagall: Sorry, detention.
HRH and Malfoy: Damn!
McGonagall: That's it, the Forbidden Forest for you!
HRH: *groan*
All of Gryffindor: We hate you!
Harry: Life's back to normal.

HRH: Dude! Snape's trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone!
Harry: Let's go stop him so that we'll get points and everyone will like me again! Erm, I mean, us!
RH: Ok!
HRH: AHH! EVIL DOG! *play music* Phew.
HRH: AHH! EVIL PLANT! *Get through* Phew!
Harry: Ooh, broom. I think I'll show off my skills!
Ron: Ooh, chess. I think I'll go hurt myself.
Harry and Hermione: OK!
Ron: *Glares*
Harry and Hermione: Uh, we mean, if there's no other way…
Ron: Better. *Gets hurt*
Hermione: Oooh, potions! Drink this one or die!
Harry: Gulp! *drinks*

Quirrell: Shit, I hate thinking puzzles… Aha! It's you!
Harry: You're not Snape… loser!
Quirrell: Aw, shut up and stand in front of the pretty mirror.
Harry: *Does so* *Sees his reflection put something in his pocket*
Strange voice: He has it! Kill him!
Harry: *Pulls out Stone* What, this? Oops!
Strange voice: I'm Voldemort! Kill!
Quirrell: Okies. *Tries to fight*
Harry: Ahhh! *Kills Quirrell* *Faints*

Dumbledore: Hi Harry! I'm gonna tell you a lot of stuff that you won't listen to.
Harry: Okies!
Ron and Hermione: Yay!
Snape: Damn…
Harry: Gotta go back to the Dursleys…
Harry and Dursleys: Damn…

***

So, how bad was it? Please R&R to let me know.