The Harry Potter Rereading Speech
Note: A parody tribute to The Original Sunscreen Speech/Song and The X-Files Taping Speech that was based on it too.
Ladies and Gentlemen who are Harry Potter fans:
Reread the books.
If I could offer you one tip for the future, rereading the Harry Potter books would be it. The long-term benefits of rereading the books have been proven by the fans who can quote the books chapter and verse to support their theories, whereas the rest of the fans must support their theories based on something no more reliable than their memories, which could have been changed anyway (See Lockheart).
Enjoy the power and beauty of the latest book, book five. Oh never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of book five until the series is finished and all the answers (hopefully!) are revealed. But trust me, in 20 years you'll reread book one and recall in a way you can't now grasp how much possibility lay before Harry and how fabulous the trio really was. Snape was not as much of an ugly git as you imagined.
Don't worry about future books or movies. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to stop a mountain troll by yourself. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 am when Dumbledore tells you either you or Voldemort must die.
Reread one chapter every day that scares you.
Sing Weasley is our King in tribute to Ron.
Don't procrastinate, do it today. McGonagall won't care that you fought Voldemort and won but didn't get her Transfiguration essay completed. Don't put up with people who leave their homework to the last minute.
Shrink your teeth, especially if Malfoy has just given you fangs.
Don't waste your time getting attached to secondary characters. Sometimes they live, sometimes they die. The fight against Voldemort is long and, in the end, only Harry and Ginny, Ron and Hermione, need to survive. (Although we know we'll cry our eyes out if any of the Order dies!).
Remember the love and loyalty your friends and family give you. Forget the mudblood comments you receive. If you succeed in doing this, Ron must have cursed Draco or Mad-Eye must have transformed Draco into a ferret. Either way you win.
Keep Fred and George's specialty joke items that make you laugh. Run as fast as you can when anyone sends you a Howler.
Stretch (so as your body doesn't go into rigor mortis from trying to read Goblet of Fire or Order of the Phoenix in one sitting).
Don't feel guilty if you want to focus your life on Harry Potter. The most interesting people I know didn't know at twenty-five Harry Potter would change their lives. Some of the most interesting forty-year-olds didn't know either.
Drink plenty of pumpkin juice. Be kind to your Harry Potter DVD's. You'll miss them when they're gone to that old format heaven in the sky.
Maybe Harry and Ginny will marry. Maybe they won't. Maybe Ron and Hermione will marry. Maybe they won't. Maybe Harry will kill Voldemort. Maybe Voldemort will kill Harry. Whatever happens don't give up your hope, but don't be mad if the story doesn't unfold the way you wanted it to. The books are not fan fiction and their fate is not up to you but to J.K. We have no say.
Enjoy trying to pick out every Harry and Ginny, and Ron and Hermione, moment from the books and movies that lead you to believe J.K. means them to be together. Don't be afraid of what other people might say. You are not obsessed. You are merely being through in support of your ship.
Dance. Even if you have no where to do it but at the Yule Ball, the Weird Sisters are playing and you are trying to avoid having your feet stepped on by Neville or tripped because Fred and Angelina are dancing too exuberantly. Follow your heart, but listen to Hermione. She often knows people better than you do.
Don't believe everything you read. If Rita Skeeter is writing for the Daily Prophet her stories with either mislead you or get you sent a lot of unwanted hate mail.
Get to know your parents and your guardians. You never know when Voldemort might kill them. Be nice to your siblings and your friends. They know all about you and will stick by you even if there's the chance of Voldemort killing them.
Understand that Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers will come and go, but with a precious few (like Lupin and Moody) you should keep in touch. Work hard to stop harassing J.K. with questions about when book six will be out. When the book is finished to her liking the book will be out and not a moment sooner. You will be the better off for having waited patiently.
Live in Diagon Alley once, but leave before Fred and George make you eat one too many Canary Creams. Live in Hogsmeade once, but leave before you've drunk too much butterbeer.
Travel, but not to visit Krum in Bulgaria for the summer. Go visit Charlie in Romania instead.
Accept certain inalienable truths: The trio will get older. It will take J.K. time to write the last two books. But the kids (ahem teenagers) will still be able to play 16 and 17 year olds even when they are in their 20s. (Can we say, Beverly Hills 90210 please?)
Yes, you too will get older. And when you do, you'll remember when you were a new Harry Potter fan. You'll remember with fondness when Hermione used her Herbology knowledge to save the boys from Devil's Snare, when Ron risked his life during Wizard's Chess, when Neville stood up to his friends, and, of course, when Harry defeated Lord Voldemort.
Respect J.K.
Don't fight with anyone over your ships or your theories about the books. Maybe they'll come true. Maybe they won't. Guessing is half the fun and in the end J.K. is the final authority. She's the driver of the Hogwarts Express and we're just along for the ride so stick close to your ticket.
Don't worry about Oliver, James, and Rupert's hair getting longer. The ladies think it's perfect.
Be careful whose theories you subscribe to, but be patient with those who supply them. Theories are a form of personal insight. Dispensing it is a way of building relationships with other fans by sharing your own unique perspective on the Harry Potter Universe. Remember, just because you think you might be thinking like J.K., you might not be, so don't get angry when other's don't share your views. This is the joy of not having Trelawney's crystal ball.
But trust me on the rereading.
Note: A parody tribute to The Original Sunscreen Speech/Song and The X-Files Taping Speech that was based on it too.
Ladies and Gentlemen who are Harry Potter fans:
Reread the books.
If I could offer you one tip for the future, rereading the Harry Potter books would be it. The long-term benefits of rereading the books have been proven by the fans who can quote the books chapter and verse to support their theories, whereas the rest of the fans must support their theories based on something no more reliable than their memories, which could have been changed anyway (See Lockheart).
Enjoy the power and beauty of the latest book, book five. Oh never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of book five until the series is finished and all the answers (hopefully!) are revealed. But trust me, in 20 years you'll reread book one and recall in a way you can't now grasp how much possibility lay before Harry and how fabulous the trio really was. Snape was not as much of an ugly git as you imagined.
Don't worry about future books or movies. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to stop a mountain troll by yourself. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 am when Dumbledore tells you either you or Voldemort must die.
Reread one chapter every day that scares you.
Sing Weasley is our King in tribute to Ron.
Don't procrastinate, do it today. McGonagall won't care that you fought Voldemort and won but didn't get her Transfiguration essay completed. Don't put up with people who leave their homework to the last minute.
Shrink your teeth, especially if Malfoy has just given you fangs.
Don't waste your time getting attached to secondary characters. Sometimes they live, sometimes they die. The fight against Voldemort is long and, in the end, only Harry and Ginny, Ron and Hermione, need to survive. (Although we know we'll cry our eyes out if any of the Order dies!).
Remember the love and loyalty your friends and family give you. Forget the mudblood comments you receive. If you succeed in doing this, Ron must have cursed Draco or Mad-Eye must have transformed Draco into a ferret. Either way you win.
Keep Fred and George's specialty joke items that make you laugh. Run as fast as you can when anyone sends you a Howler.
Stretch (so as your body doesn't go into rigor mortis from trying to read Goblet of Fire or Order of the Phoenix in one sitting).
Don't feel guilty if you want to focus your life on Harry Potter. The most interesting people I know didn't know at twenty-five Harry Potter would change their lives. Some of the most interesting forty-year-olds didn't know either.
Drink plenty of pumpkin juice. Be kind to your Harry Potter DVD's. You'll miss them when they're gone to that old format heaven in the sky.
Maybe Harry and Ginny will marry. Maybe they won't. Maybe Ron and Hermione will marry. Maybe they won't. Maybe Harry will kill Voldemort. Maybe Voldemort will kill Harry. Whatever happens don't give up your hope, but don't be mad if the story doesn't unfold the way you wanted it to. The books are not fan fiction and their fate is not up to you but to J.K. We have no say.
Enjoy trying to pick out every Harry and Ginny, and Ron and Hermione, moment from the books and movies that lead you to believe J.K. means them to be together. Don't be afraid of what other people might say. You are not obsessed. You are merely being through in support of your ship.
Dance. Even if you have no where to do it but at the Yule Ball, the Weird Sisters are playing and you are trying to avoid having your feet stepped on by Neville or tripped because Fred and Angelina are dancing too exuberantly. Follow your heart, but listen to Hermione. She often knows people better than you do.
Don't believe everything you read. If Rita Skeeter is writing for the Daily Prophet her stories with either mislead you or get you sent a lot of unwanted hate mail.
Get to know your parents and your guardians. You never know when Voldemort might kill them. Be nice to your siblings and your friends. They know all about you and will stick by you even if there's the chance of Voldemort killing them.
Understand that Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers will come and go, but with a precious few (like Lupin and Moody) you should keep in touch. Work hard to stop harassing J.K. with questions about when book six will be out. When the book is finished to her liking the book will be out and not a moment sooner. You will be the better off for having waited patiently.
Live in Diagon Alley once, but leave before Fred and George make you eat one too many Canary Creams. Live in Hogsmeade once, but leave before you've drunk too much butterbeer.
Travel, but not to visit Krum in Bulgaria for the summer. Go visit Charlie in Romania instead.
Accept certain inalienable truths: The trio will get older. It will take J.K. time to write the last two books. But the kids (ahem teenagers) will still be able to play 16 and 17 year olds even when they are in their 20s. (Can we say, Beverly Hills 90210 please?)
Yes, you too will get older. And when you do, you'll remember when you were a new Harry Potter fan. You'll remember with fondness when Hermione used her Herbology knowledge to save the boys from Devil's Snare, when Ron risked his life during Wizard's Chess, when Neville stood up to his friends, and, of course, when Harry defeated Lord Voldemort.
Respect J.K.
Don't fight with anyone over your ships or your theories about the books. Maybe they'll come true. Maybe they won't. Guessing is half the fun and in the end J.K. is the final authority. She's the driver of the Hogwarts Express and we're just along for the ride so stick close to your ticket.
Don't worry about Oliver, James, and Rupert's hair getting longer. The ladies think it's perfect.
Be careful whose theories you subscribe to, but be patient with those who supply them. Theories are a form of personal insight. Dispensing it is a way of building relationships with other fans by sharing your own unique perspective on the Harry Potter Universe. Remember, just because you think you might be thinking like J.K., you might not be, so don't get angry when other's don't share your views. This is the joy of not having Trelawney's crystal ball.
But trust me on the rereading.