"Severus!" came the familiar whine in Potions. "Severus, come help me!"

Most of the class blocked out the pitiful cry for help from the most spoiled girl in their year. They called her The High Princess of Slytherin, and it was a title a few of the other girls in Slytherin House Secret envied, but they weren't as rich or feared as Gretchen Lestrange, so they bared it with snarls and muttered insults. The whining wasn't horrible, it was the preferred to her two different calls. One was whining, the other was a high-pitched, shrieking demand and was sure to crack glass one day.

One of the few people who paid attention to the call aside from Severus Snape was Sirius Black. He was at his cauldron across the room and scowled as he watched Gretchen smile when Severus helped with her potion.

"Severus, come over here and stick your ugly nose in my cauldron," he muttered mockingly. "Drag your greasy hair through it as well, I don't mind."

James snickered at his annoyance. "You promised her you wouldn't act like a jerk," he reminded him. "She'll classify this as being a jerk."

He rolled his eyes. "I need some time off. I have been the paragon of sweetness for three months," he muttered bitterly.

"No you haven't!" Remus laughed. "Or have you forgotten that black eye she gave you over Valentine's?"

"That was not my fault!" he protested. "I simply forgot it was Valentine's Day."

"Yeah, and mixed it up with April Fools." Sirius glared down at James. "I'm sorry, but you're the one dating Gretchen 'Fuck Me Over, I'll Fuck You Up' Lestrange. You should know better than to forget Valentine's."

Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, come on! Exploding little animals don't count as gifts for Valentine's."

"You clearly don't understand my relationship with Gretchen."

"And you're clearly an idiot," he retorted.

"Not clearly..." he mutter. "Vaguely, maybe."

Potions ended with little more irritation. The Marauders decided to take their lunch out for a little picnic in the Forbidden Forest. When they decided to make their way back into the castle, they caught sight of Gretchen as she got out of Divination.

It was clear she noticed them as well.

"I think she's cross with you," Remus said as they watched her across the open corridor.

Sirius shook his head. "Naw. You'll know when she's cross."

"Yeah, she hits you," James snickered.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, when she's really cross. But she usually warns you with this little thing she does. See, first she'll ask some stupid little question. Then–when I naturally answer wrong–she answers with this snippy little 'apparently' that goes up at the end that makes it sound like she's only mildly annoyed."

"Then after that she hits you," James added.

He shook his head. "Sometimes I guess why she's angry."

"Yeah. Then she hits you."

When she reached them, without even a greeting, Gretchen slapped Sirius smartly across the face.

He glared down at her. "What the hell?" he snapped. "I didn't do anything!"

"Oh, didn't you?" she demanded in return.

"NO!"

She glared in return, crossing her arms across her chest. "Why don't you think very hard? Did anything of interest happen while I was away over Easter holidays?" she demanded, her voice rising in pitch and volume. "Something that you should tell your sodding girlfriend so she doesn't look like a prat in front of EVERYONE?"

He chuckled helplessly. "Oh!" he said, trying very unsuccessfully to play it off. "That! I thought you were talking about... something else."

"SOMETHING ELSE?" she shouted. "SOMTHING ELSE?! WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE?"

"Well, you know... you get bored on the weekends... And you're psychic. Why don't you tell me?"

As it clearly wasn't the time for joking, Sirius spent the rest of the day in the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey insisted his jaw wasn't broken, but most of his molars were loose. Gretchen didn't speak another word to him for the rest of the year, and just as she was about to forgive him, Sirius played a nasty trick on Severus Snape that landed him in the infirmary for another day.

Remus and James started a pool betting on when A) Gretchen would speak to Sirius again, if ever and B) Gretchen would break up with Sirius via owl.

Though heavily contested, Remus won the pool.