Author: Junius
Summary: Is she bored? Is she in pain? No, she's Mary Sue and she's back with a vengeance!
Notes: This fic was inspired by the many Mary Sue/self-insertion bashing stories out there because, in my opinion, self-insertion is rarely done well and if a story has a Mary Sue, it is instantly rubbish. I don't mean to offend anyone with this fic, it was intended to be funny or maybe even entertaining. I'm simply parodying the same tired old writing mechanisms authors with little to no imagination use to project their fantasies. I'm don't deny you're right to do so, I only wish you would choose somewhere else to do it!
More Notes: If you like this sort of thing, read 'A TYPICAL MARYSUE QWIKEE FIC' by TwistedParoxysms or 'RPL Stands For Repeated Plot Line' by Mary Sue Hunter. And, just for the heck of it, go read 'Satanists for Potter' by Camilla Bloom because it shares the same biting wit that the previous stories do.
Disclaimer: I never thought I'd say these words, but only the Mary Sue is mine. Oh, and the "plot".
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SCENE ONE – Back to HogwartsHarry: I am so glad that we are finally heading back to Hogwarts. Finally I shall be able to show off the attractively toned body I have received from years of playing Quidditch.
Harry stares pensively out the window, angsting over his dead parents, recently acquired muscles rippling for no apparent reason.
Ron: I too am glad, Harry. I will be able to display the devastatingly handsome body I bizarrely acquired through years of eating as much as possible.
Ron begins eating chocolate frogs, his biceps straining through his robes.
Hermione: I am also glad to return to Hogwarts. I can display the same buckteeth, bushy hair and nerdy attitude I always have because the author not only doesn't find me sexually appealing, she is jealous of me.
Hermione begins to read and yell at Ron and Harry at the same time, managing to appear quite hideous all the while.
Hermione: I hope we can concentrate on studying this year, even though it is guaranteed a catastrophic event will occur.
Ron: You are correct Hermione. Speaking of catastrophic events, who is that astonishingly beautiful girl over there?
The three turn and see Mary Sue standing on the platform looking alluringly shy and unsure. Copious amounts of drooling from Harry and Ron in addition to copious amounts of glaring from Hermione, making her look even uglier in comparison to the beauty of Mary Sue.
Harry: Wow, she is beautiful and I'll just bet she's smarter than Hermione, funnier than Ron, braver than I, and a marvellous Quidditch player too!
Mary Sue: Hello.
Ron and Harry: Pant! Drool!
Hermione: (jealously) Who are you?
Mary Sue: I am a self-insertion, otherwise known as Ravyn-Crystyl-Magyck-Clyra insert further stupid, sorry, evocative names with 'y' replacing all vowels Black-Lupin. My father is Sirius Black or Remus Lupin, doesn't really matter which so long as I have some strange connection to Harry Potter. But you can call me Mary Sue.
Mary Sue bats her eyelashes.
Harry and Ron: Drool! Pant!
Mary Sue: Oh yes, I am also part Veela, part Vampyr, an Animagus and Metamorphagus, have a strange birthmark on some part of my body that is shaped like a phoenix, possess telepathic powers and can read minds. Oh, and I have shiny violet eyes that are deep and emotional.
Mary Sue bats her eyelashes some more and Harry and Ron drool some more. Hermione stands and faces the infinitely superior Mary Sue, looking astoundingly horrible whilst doing so.
Hermione: Well, Mary Sue, I happen to know–aaaargh!
Hermione is suddenly sucked into a parallel universe where all hated or unnecessary characters disappear to. Mary Sue smiles sweetly and, just for variety, bats her eyelashes.
Harry: Mary Sue, I find your physical appearance pleasing and believe I may be attracted to you.
Mary Sue: Though we have known each other for mere seconds, Harry Potter, I know I am destined to love you.
Ron: Hey, what about me? Aaargh!
Ron joins Hermione in the universe of forgotten characters. Harry continued to stare dreamily at Mary Sue.
Harry: Mary Sue, I love you and promise we shall be together forever because when I'm with you, I don't feel alone, because I'm not alone and you have shown me that I have never truly been alone and I never truly will be alone because even though we may be apart, we are together because we love each other and our very hearts and souls are bound by our love, a love which will never die, even if we do, because it will echo through the ages and remind everybody that we are in love and so long as we love each other we will never truly be apart because we truly love one another!
Mary Sue: Oh Harry! You're words mean so much to me because even though I always knew I loved you, I didn't realise it until now because until now I had never realised what is was to truly love someone but now that I have found you, I know what true love feels like and I know that I truly love you because you love me also and our love will never die because we will always love one another and can never be torn apart because as long as we love one another, we will never truly be apart!
Mary Sue and Harry begin to make out passionately, leaving the readers to run to the bathroom and do something secret.
SCENE TWO – Actually at HogwartsMary Sue and Harry walk into the Great Hall with their arms, hands and fingers entwined, which would normally be quite an uncomfortable position but Mary Sue and Harry are so shallow, sorry, in love, they don't notice. Every male in the room salivates as much as Harry and that other redheaded bloke did on the train and every female in the room glares and looks as unattractive as that bushy-haired chick did in comparison to the perfection of Mary Sue.
Harry: Oh, my love, I am so glad we are together!
Mary Sue: I too, Harry, my sweet!
They kiss sweetly (always sweetly when other people are around!) and the entire hall either breaks into cheers or seethes with jealousy. McGonagall, who also find herself disturbingly attracted to Mary Sue, approaches the couple.
McGonagall: Mary Sue, I am sure you will make this school proud with your infinite talents, wisdom and physical beauty. Please step forward and be sorted and, by the way, would you marry me?
After declining McGonagall's proposal in a rather striking manner, Mary Sue is sorted and, in a totally unprecedented occurrence, the Sorting Hat declares her to be perfect for all the houses then flops off her head and proposes to her. Mary Sue declines in a rather attractive manner, professing her true love for Harry Potter, who swells with so much pride he begins to resemble Aunt Marge, post-Engorging Charm. Dumbledore tells Mary Sue to choose which house she prefers and proposes to her. Mary Sue declines in a rather alluring manner and chooses Gryffindor. Snape stands up and tells her she has made a less-than appropriate choice, compliments her deep and emotional violet eyes and proposes to her. Mary Sue declines in a rather appealing manner and goes up to the Gryffindor common room with Harry, but not before refusing marriage proposals in a rather charming manner from every remaining male in the castle, house-elves included.
SCENE THREE – Forbidden Forest. Don't ask how or why.
A Death Eater has taken Mary Sue because nothing interesting was happening and this was the best and most original plot development the author could come up with.
Death Eater: I have kidnapped you, Mary Sue, for you have some intricate connection in your past to Voldemort that makes you even more important to him than Harry Potter! You shall never escape!
Mary Sue: Oh no! Even though I have countless powers at my disposal, as were listed previously, I am helpless. Whatever will become of me?
Mary Sue sobs prettily. Just then, Harry bursts into the clearing, brandishing his wand threateningly.
Harry: You shall never have Mary Sue, for I love her and will die protecting her! Watch me fight off never-ending swarms of Death Eaters in demonstration of my love for her!
Harry begins zapping Death Eaters at an alarming rate, his actions not so much romantic rather than foolhardy. Mary Sue occasionally screams in a rather charismatic manner.
Death Eaters: Our numbers are inexplicably increasing!
Harry: Alas! I cannot hold them off any longer!
Mary Sue: Harry! I must save you!
Suddenly Mary Sue is suffused in golden light and emerges looking even more beautiful and radiant then before. She bats her eyelashes at the Death Eaters who, unaccustomed to such beauty and pitiful battle skills, stand dumbstruck. Using the power of her birthmark, which sounds kind of weird if you really think about it, Mary Sue casts a spell, totally brainless, sorry, wandless, and the Death Eaters are vanquished, along with Voldemort, prejudice and zits. She runs to the unconscious Harry, sobbing over his still body in a rather aesthetically pleasing manner.
Mary Sue; Oh Harry, you cannot be dead, for I still love you and have only just fulfilled the prophecy that was foretold to me when I was a child and somehow has worked out to be more important than your own!
Harry: I am not dead, Mary Sue, our love has brought me back!
Mary Sue, who should be suitably joyous at this miraculous turn of events, runs back to the castle sobbing harder, leaving Harry to lust after her in confusion… er, I mean, stare after her in confusion.
SCENE FOUR – Gryffindor Common RoomHarry enters the common room to see Mary Sue sobbing brokenly in front of the fire, the flames dancing prettily amongst her hair… or should that be the firelight? Who cares, either way she was looking gorgeous as always. Harry ran to her side and looked deeply into her violet eyes that were full of tears and the usual emotion.
Harry: Mary Sue, my love, why did you run from me? You know I will always love you.
Mary Sue: But Harry, I haven't told you of… of… MY SECRET!
Harry: (gobsmacked) What secret?
Mary Sue: Blah blah blah orphan blah blah blah traumatic childhood full of neglect blah blah blah never been loved blah blah blah drama and sadness blah blah blah bad hair day blah blah blah…
Eventually it turns out that Voldemort is Mary Sue's father, in addition to Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Harry is shocked by this revelation but vows to remain by her side and continue to love her.
Mary Sue: No, Harry, you can't, you mustn't!
Harry: Why not, my sweet darling, I love you?
Mary Sue: Because the author has decided that Tom Felton is more attractive than Daniel Radcliffe and has decided that Draco must fall in love with me.
Harry: But Mary Sue, I thought we'd be together forev–aaargh!
Harry is reunited with those people that were on the train with him and enters the universe of cast-aside characters. Mary Sue dries her eyes and somehow this simple action increases her beauty a thousandfold yet again.
Mary Sue: Now then, if I were a blonde bad boy, where would I be?
THE END?
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Nowhere near as good as TwistedParoxysms story, but I had fun and a good rant at the same time. Y'all come back now, ya hear?