Love Just Is
by: angie-chan1897

Chapter One

There they were again. Holding hands, giggling, and having just a wonderful time. It made Remus sick to his stomach. That kind of sappy love should be left in romance novels where it belonged. Not in the real world, because love never truly happened that way. Remus stuck his nose back into the book his was reading. He could hear two girls gossip as they walked by and he knew they were at some kind of distance. Ah, the wonderful gifts of being a lycanthrope, extra-sensory hearing. They seemed to be going on about how they were the perfect couple. Remus scowled, to lovers be damned, though it was his best friend. He and Sirius had been neglected since James had started dating Lily. Apparently, James no longer had time to prank, or just hang around with the guys. Lily had him on a work schedule that took up his entire day. Even when a weekend finally approached, James would be going over homework or planning something with Lily and without Sirius and Remus. Remus saw James kiss Lily goodnight out of the corner of his eye. James blew his fringe out of his eyes as he flopped down on the couch next to Remus. Slamming his book shut, Remus stomped away from James and up the spiral staircase. James watched the fair-haired Gryffindor stalk up the stairs. Confused he followed, cornering him between at the top.

"What is your problem?" he asked.

"My problem?!" Remus snapped, facing the door to boys' dormitory. "My problem?"

"Yes, your problem." James replied. "You've been like this since Lily and I have started dating."

"I wonder why, James, I really wonder." Remus said sarcastically. "We never see you anymore."

"We?"

"Sirius and I, we used to be the closest of friends." Remus explained. "But ever since Lily came into the picture, you never have time for us anymore."

"We're still close friends, mate." James replied. "It's just... things get complicated when you start dating someone."

"Apparently incredibly complicated when your dating Lily Evans." Remus snapped. "She's got you trained like a little puppy dog!"

"She has not!"

"Try and see it from my point," Remus breathed. "we used to prank all the time, be wild and crazy, we used to just be guys. But it seems like you're just a step away from being a husband. I don't want to lose the James I met when I was eleven, and I don't think Sirius does either."

"You won't, you have to believe me, Moony."

"I really wish I could."

Remus and James walked in silence toward the dormitory they shared. As James was changing into his pajamas, he thought about what Remus had said to him. Ever since Lily came into the pucture, you never have time for us... He was spending more time with Lily then need be, she's got you trained like a little puppy! He looked over towards Sirius's bed, the curtains were drawn and Remus was pulling his shut. He hadn't noticed they had been doing this lately. Maybe he was spending too much time with Lily. Maybe she did have him trained. Maybe, just maybe he had been neglecting Remus and Sirius. Well, whatever he'd done, he'd fix it tomorrow before breakfast.

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"Sirius? Remus?" James said quietly. "Can I talk to you both for a second?"

They turned and faced James, they both looked slightly disgruntled. "Alright." they chorused.

"Not here." James pulled them into a far corner of the Common Room. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Sirius asked.

"For neglecting you both. I recently been enlightened that I having been spending as much time with you as originally promised."

"Well yeah! That bitch has got you trained like a show dog." James flinched as Sirius's harsh words. "Seriously, she walks around with you on her arm like a prize. I know that you're not a piece of property that can be given away to the highest bidder, but recently, I don't know anymore."

James's face fell. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you wouldn't be doing the things that you do now. You wouldn't sit down and do your homework, you'd sit down and plan a prank. And you wouldn't plan your day, you used to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants guy. I really miss that, James. But now, I don't even know who you are." Sirius explained.

"And you know he's right." Remus put in. "You used to be up for anything, especially when the full moon is out. Now I'm by myself some nights," Remus pulled up the sleeves of his robe, revealing scars. "and that's not good for me. I really thought I was done hurting myself, but apparently not."

James stared at the scars. "I'm so sorry, Remus." he breathed.

"Not as sorry as I am." Remus replied.

"James! Hurry up, we're going to miss breakfast!" Lily's voice rang over the Common Room.

James looked back to see his girlfriend, hands on hips, waiting for him. He looked back at his friends, who looked back at him.

"I guess you're not eating breakfast with us again." Sirius mumbled.

"Not a huge surprise." Remus added.

"Please, don't do this to me." James pleaded.

"You brought this on by yourself. We didn't do anything." Sirius snapped. "C'mon Remus, let's go get some breakfast."

James watched as his "best" friends walked away from him. He was truly alone now. Of course there was Lily, but she couldn't understand the importance of male bonding. He slumped into one of the overstuffed chairs near him. Lily walked over, looking slightly angered.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"I'm not hungry." he replied.

"Oh come now, there's definitely something wrong." Lily smiled. "I know, you sulk when there's something wrong."

"I'm not sulking." James replied.

"Yes you are." Lily cooed, pincing James's cheek.

James swatted the hand away. "Leave me alone."

Lily was taken aback. "James?"

"I said, leave me alone." he stalked back up the spiral staircase.

Lily looked confused, but thought nothing on it. Maybe James was just having a bad day and she would she him in lessons. But she didn't. He wasn't in Potions, Charms, or Transfiguration. After dinner, Lily went up to James's room and found him laying on his bed, staring at a photograph. Lily sat beside him, nd James turned away.

"Please, tell me what's wrong." Lily pleaded.

"You don't deserve to know." James snapped, throwing the photo in his hands towards Lily. "You see that? That was taken the Christmas of my second year. We were that close, that close! But not anymore, I had to go and screw it all up."

"You haven't screwed anything up. They're still your friends."

"Not as of today. I neglected them for you." James sat up, tears streaking his pale face. "This all started because of you! Because I started dating you, because I was spending more time with you, because I gave up my life to be your trained show dog!"

Lily looked stunned. "I didn't do anything..."

"You did everything! Do you hear me, everything!" James screamed. "Go away, I don't want to speak with you anymore."

Lily got off the bed and left James's dormitory. She covered her face as she ran towards her domritory. She skipped her Astronomy class, going straight to bed. James lay on his bed, curled into the fetal positions. He'd scarficed everything good in his life. He pulled up his sleeves, the scars were still there. They wouldn't go away. He ran a slender finger over one, remembering back to when his parents had been killed. He remembered every single time he'd cut himself. He remembered when Sirius and Remus had been there for him, especially Remus. That boy scarficed so much for him and he barely gave anything back. He heard the door open and close and he knew it was them. Peter was with them as well, he could here the asmatic wheeze. James fell asleep, clutching his pillow to his chest, sniffling slightly.

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Well after midinight James awoke with the sudden urge to hurt himself. Hurt himself, badly. He rummaged in his bedside table for something... anything sharp. Finding an old razor blade, he put on his glasses and slipped out of bed. She padded down the corridor towards the bathrooms. Locking himself in a stall, he pulled off his pajama top and lightly traced an old scar with the blade. Then he pushed down, relishing in the luscious pain. He did it twice on each arm, letting the blood flow freely from the cuts. He slumped to the floor, ripping pieces of his pajama top into homemade bandages. James stared at his arms, it would only be this once. He didn't need this again.

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Author's Notes: So how did you enjoy that? My first published fic. I know, it needs to be beta-read. The inspiration for the cutting comes from my friend who's currently in the hospital for both. So I think I might have a firm grasp on what cutting is. But this spurred from the deepest, darkest part of my subconscience (basically an evil plot-bunny that refused to die. And don't worry about the title, everything will be explained in the end.

¤~angie-chan~¤