Author's note: I started this story a lifetime ago and decided to
continue. It's loosely based on my personal history with medication, so
maybe that's why it seems so unhinged...
I am catapaulted into reality. What is happening? You told me that this drug was going to clear my head, make it so I would finally be aware and we could begin to examine the disaster inside. But this isn't blessed clarity, it's glaring, unsteady chaos. Yesterday I knew my cause, I knew the root of all Darkness, I knew the course of action. Today the galaxy is within my skull, raging in too many directions in all its mutilated, ugly colors. There are no simple designations, only rampant degrees of extremity. Everything feels false and jaded, nothing is easy and nothing is sure; I am certain that it is all wrong, and yet I feel as though I am suddenly snapped from a trance, again alive in the violent hues, novae of light, paralyzing dark. You tell me that this is real. And I am terrified.
But the restraints are gone. How foolish of you, to take away all that sedated and calmed and subdued the Force, distancing it from my command, and then to further take away the physical fetters. How damned brilliant, exploiting my trust, knowing your show of faith would draw me in.
"What are you feeling Luke? Now, at this moment?" You sit too close, staring over your glasses, critically drinking up my reaction. This is the first I have seen from within my own mind in so long, and I take out my thoughts, examining like a newborn splaying his fingers in wonder. I realize that this is the first you have ever seen me.
"Fear," I whisper, unable to lie to you, knowing you will hate me for being weak, hate me for being dark, but you only nod, a trace of a smile playing across your features.
"That's understandable. It's a lot to handle, isn't it? All the feelings, all the thoughts, not just a few."
"I still want to kill her," How dare you forgive me, my mind is raging, I am still a monster, you must understand. "There's just more."
"I would worry if you didn't, Luke. There is nothing I can give you to make what happened go away, only to bring you back so we can fix it. Together. You do want that Luke?" I pause in my response, stung by your emphasis, your hope.
"I want to understand," I offer slowly, "And to be right, because I'm forgetting why I was so sure. I'm not sure I want it to go away, I was so certain, but what if I wasn't right?"
"That's fine, that's perfect, Luke. It is dangerous to act simply, without complete understanding. I want you to realize, Luke, that we must never just hide the emotions we feel are wrong or evil. That is how we become so confused, so frightened, so alone. But you are not alone here, Luke. You need to tell me when you are hurt, scared, needing, even if you are afraid it may be wrong. If you are honest, I will never be angry with you, do you understand?"
"Yes. I'm ready. Ready to tell you."
"Good." You gather your breath and I understand: now we begin. "Do you remember why you tried to kill her?"
"The Darkness. It had her. It would have taken me as well; I had to save us."
"Us? "
"The galaxy. Everyone."
"Luke, explain the Darkness to me, simply if you must. In fact, imagine I am a child. What is Darkness?" I stare at you in horror, how can you not understand? You smile gently at my confusion. "That is where we must begin Luke, with bringing light to fear, clarity to the ambiguous. That is how we heal each other. How we heal ourselves."
I am catapaulted into reality. What is happening? You told me that this drug was going to clear my head, make it so I would finally be aware and we could begin to examine the disaster inside. But this isn't blessed clarity, it's glaring, unsteady chaos. Yesterday I knew my cause, I knew the root of all Darkness, I knew the course of action. Today the galaxy is within my skull, raging in too many directions in all its mutilated, ugly colors. There are no simple designations, only rampant degrees of extremity. Everything feels false and jaded, nothing is easy and nothing is sure; I am certain that it is all wrong, and yet I feel as though I am suddenly snapped from a trance, again alive in the violent hues, novae of light, paralyzing dark. You tell me that this is real. And I am terrified.
But the restraints are gone. How foolish of you, to take away all that sedated and calmed and subdued the Force, distancing it from my command, and then to further take away the physical fetters. How damned brilliant, exploiting my trust, knowing your show of faith would draw me in.
"What are you feeling Luke? Now, at this moment?" You sit too close, staring over your glasses, critically drinking up my reaction. This is the first I have seen from within my own mind in so long, and I take out my thoughts, examining like a newborn splaying his fingers in wonder. I realize that this is the first you have ever seen me.
"Fear," I whisper, unable to lie to you, knowing you will hate me for being weak, hate me for being dark, but you only nod, a trace of a smile playing across your features.
"That's understandable. It's a lot to handle, isn't it? All the feelings, all the thoughts, not just a few."
"I still want to kill her," How dare you forgive me, my mind is raging, I am still a monster, you must understand. "There's just more."
"I would worry if you didn't, Luke. There is nothing I can give you to make what happened go away, only to bring you back so we can fix it. Together. You do want that Luke?" I pause in my response, stung by your emphasis, your hope.
"I want to understand," I offer slowly, "And to be right, because I'm forgetting why I was so sure. I'm not sure I want it to go away, I was so certain, but what if I wasn't right?"
"That's fine, that's perfect, Luke. It is dangerous to act simply, without complete understanding. I want you to realize, Luke, that we must never just hide the emotions we feel are wrong or evil. That is how we become so confused, so frightened, so alone. But you are not alone here, Luke. You need to tell me when you are hurt, scared, needing, even if you are afraid it may be wrong. If you are honest, I will never be angry with you, do you understand?"
"Yes. I'm ready. Ready to tell you."
"Good." You gather your breath and I understand: now we begin. "Do you remember why you tried to kill her?"
"The Darkness. It had her. It would have taken me as well; I had to save us."
"Us? "
"The galaxy. Everyone."
"Luke, explain the Darkness to me, simply if you must. In fact, imagine I am a child. What is Darkness?" I stare at you in horror, how can you not understand? You smile gently at my confusion. "That is where we must begin Luke, with bringing light to fear, clarity to the ambiguous. That is how we heal each other. How we heal ourselves."