I CALLED YOUR NAME: A Mental Monologue for Nicole Wallace
[All the usual disclaimers, such as, I am have no rights and make no
money at all.]
Congratulations, Bobby. Seems you win.
You wanted me to suffer for my sins and here – I'm suffering.
You were right. I could not leave well enough alone. I had one
chance at happiness with Gavin and the chance is gone. He's left me,
just as you knew he would. Don't get a big head over being right
this time, though. He didn't leave me for the reason you thought he
would.
Gavin's not one of those hypocrites who fancies himself a righteous
man. He's pragmatic, like me. And like you. You're a pragmatist,
Bobby. You'll do whatever it takes to get your man. Or woman.
Being a choirboy is hardly conducive to getting the job done, is it?
But back to Gavin. He gives me every ounce of his love and all he
asks in return is my whole heart. Or bunker, as you called it. Why
were you talking about my heart, Bobby? Were you jealous of Gavin?
Did you wish you were the one bunking in my heart? I suppose you'd
say I am projecting. I suppose you'd say I'm the one who wants your
heart, so I tell myself you want mine.
Which leads me to why Gavin left me.
The last time we made love, I called your name.
I don't know why it happened. Perhaps something in Gavin reminded me
of you in that moment. The way his eyes blazed at me, or the way he
clenched his teeth when I brought him to the finish line. Or the way
I shuddered at his touch right then, just as I shuddered when you
drew that Q-tip over the palm of my hand at the police station. What
I do know is that Gavin and I were still entwined together when I
called your name.
There was no explaining it away. No glib excuse this time. The jig
was up. Gavin knows the truth now. He knows he is the only man who
has ever loved me, but I don't feel quite the same for him.
You see, you were right again. The good part of me does love Gavin.
The rub is, the evil part of me loves you. And we both know evil is
stronger.
So don't worry about my trial, Bobby. Whether I be found guilty or
innocent, I'm serving a life sentence.
My only hope is that I'll see you in Hell.
[All the usual disclaimers, such as, I am have no rights and make no
money at all.]
Congratulations, Bobby. Seems you win.
You wanted me to suffer for my sins and here – I'm suffering.
You were right. I could not leave well enough alone. I had one
chance at happiness with Gavin and the chance is gone. He's left me,
just as you knew he would. Don't get a big head over being right
this time, though. He didn't leave me for the reason you thought he
would.
Gavin's not one of those hypocrites who fancies himself a righteous
man. He's pragmatic, like me. And like you. You're a pragmatist,
Bobby. You'll do whatever it takes to get your man. Or woman.
Being a choirboy is hardly conducive to getting the job done, is it?
But back to Gavin. He gives me every ounce of his love and all he
asks in return is my whole heart. Or bunker, as you called it. Why
were you talking about my heart, Bobby? Were you jealous of Gavin?
Did you wish you were the one bunking in my heart? I suppose you'd
say I am projecting. I suppose you'd say I'm the one who wants your
heart, so I tell myself you want mine.
Which leads me to why Gavin left me.
The last time we made love, I called your name.
I don't know why it happened. Perhaps something in Gavin reminded me
of you in that moment. The way his eyes blazed at me, or the way he
clenched his teeth when I brought him to the finish line. Or the way
I shuddered at his touch right then, just as I shuddered when you
drew that Q-tip over the palm of my hand at the police station. What
I do know is that Gavin and I were still entwined together when I
called your name.
There was no explaining it away. No glib excuse this time. The jig
was up. Gavin knows the truth now. He knows he is the only man who
has ever loved me, but I don't feel quite the same for him.
You see, you were right again. The good part of me does love Gavin.
The rub is, the evil part of me loves you. And we both know evil is
stronger.
So don't worry about my trial, Bobby. Whether I be found guilty or
innocent, I'm serving a life sentence.
My only hope is that I'll see you in Hell.