Shortly after midnight, Spike opens the front door and enters the hallway. Buffy's there to meet him, and she looks angry.
BUFFY: Where the hell have you been?
Spike looks down at the floor and walks right by her. He steps into the living room and throws a right hook at Xander's face. A green barrier appears between his fist and Xander's nose, preventing the blow from landing. Xander looks upset. And startled. So does everyone else.
SPIKE: Someone try to hit Andrew.
Andrew looks outraged. Dawn tries to smack him in the back of the head. She can't.
SPIKE: Good. It works. No demon violence. No human violence. Anywhere in the house. Same goes at the Bronze.
WILLOW: Spike, how did you get a sanctuary spell?
SPIKE: You're welcome.
Spike walks up the stairs and heads into the bathroom.
BUFFY: What just happened?
WILLOW: We know what. What I wanna know is how.
Anya tries to slap Andrew, put can't.
ANDREW: Hey!!
GILES: I don't understand. No witch I know of can perform such a powerful protection spell.
WILLOW: To say nothing of maintaining it.
FAITH: Spike wasn't blowin' smoke? Nothing can hurt anything in here?
Faith tries to punch the bricks around the fireplace. She can't.
ANYA: Not even ourselves. How infantile.
WILLOW: What if someone tripped and fell down the stairs? Or, say, stuck their hand on a hot oven burner?
Xander stands up and bangs his shin against the coffee table.
XANDER: Oww. What the - ?
ANYA: That was an accident, right?
XANDER: No. I meant to bruise myself clutzily.
BUFFY: When Spike had the chip, he said it didn't hurt if he threw a punch but wasn't trying to hit anyone.
GILES: So intent matters.
KENNEDY: What about weapons?
Buffy grabs a sword and looks at Faith.
FAITH: Do I look like a guinea pig to ya, B?
XANDER: Where's Spike? We could stab him with impunity.
A little earlier, Angel came home.
CORDY: Where have you been? We were worried sick.
Angel tries to smack her with the back of his right hand. Cordelia looks stunned, not to mention emotionally hurt, until she realizes the blow didn't land.
ANGEL: Good. It works.
FRED: You got us a sanctuary spell? How did you pull that off?
CORDY: Oh no. You paid a visit to the floaty fairies.
ANGEL: Nothing can hurt you in here.
CONNOR: And we can't hurt each other?
GUNN: Does this one cover human violence?
FRED: Only one way to find out.
Neither of them wants to hit the other.
LORNE: Too bad Wesley's not here.
CORDY: I'm surprised no one else wants to hit me. I did make your last few months a living hell.
FRED: But that wasn't the real you.
CONNOR: Why would you want to hit Wesley? What did he do? [a hush descends over the lobby] What? What did I say?
FRED: Cordy, who are the floaty fairies?
CORDY: Do you remember those "Mmmn" ladies at Caritas?
CONNOR: Was this done by magic? We know how that always turns out.
CORDY: No Connor. Magic only backfires when amateurs like Lorne try to use it.
LORNE: My spell worked. You got your memories back, didn't you?
CORDY: And a lot of good that did.
LORNE: Low blow, missy. You can't hold me responsible for what those memories were.
GUNN: We should test. In case Wolfram & Hart send some more of those sorry-ass ninjas after us.
Fred sticks Connor in the chest with a taser. He jumps backwards and starts trembling. After a second or two he realizes he wasn't shocked.
CONNOR: That's not funny! You shouldn't do that to people.
FRED: Do what? I didn't do nothin'. That was the point.
CONNOR: Where did you get that?
GUNN: Where do ya think she got it?
CONNOR: That's not mine.
GILES: Amanda, I've been meaning to ask you something. This afternoon, as well as the other night, you used a certain hand-held device. One which I'm pretty sure was not a part of our arsenal.
AMANDA: You mean the taser?
GILES: Yes. Where did you get that from?
AMANDA: Dawn gave it to me.
GILES: Why did Dawn have a taser? Buffy, do you have any idea?
BUFFY: She kept it! I don't believe this.
GILES: I'm missing something here.
FAITH: You mean the taser Connor said he used on you?
GILES: When did Connor - ? Oh dear.
FAITH: That's probably the same one he used on Angel.
GILES: A weapon with a history. How delightful. [looks rather distressed]
XANDER: Look on the bright side. You'd feel a lot worse if that thing was still in Connor's hands.
BUFFY: I'd feel a lot better if it was out of my sight. Too many bad memories.
ANYA: Connor tried to murder you on the first night Dawn slept with him. Maybe she wanted to keep it as a souvenir. [looks worried] I hope she didn't use it on him.
Xander, Giles, Buffy and Willow look very ill.
FAITH: Doubt it. Not as much fun when the boy's unconscious. But she did use it on you, right B? Least that's what he said.
WILLOW: Dawny tasered you?
BUFFY: I'd rather not talk about it. Or any of this.
XANDER: Why would she do that?
BUFFY: Drop it. Okay?
GILES: I apologize for bringing this subject up in the first place.
Dawn comes down the stairs and walks into the kitchen. Everyone looks at her funny.
DAWN: What!? Why are you looking at me like that? Is Glory back? Because the last time you looked at me like that was when you found out she was after me.
Rona and Rose run into the kitchen.
RONA: Spike's still in the shower.
ROSE: He's been in there a half-hour. He's using up all the hot water.
DAWN: That's what I was gonna tell you about. I just talked to Connor —
BUFFY: I'd rather not hear about Connor in the shower.
DAWN: No, this is about Angel in the shower.
ANYA: I think that's much more to Buffy's liking. [Buffy gives Anya a withering glance]
DAWN: Connor said Angel was gone all night, and when he came home, no one could hurt anyone else inside the hotel. Angel refused to say how he did it, then spent an hour in the shower.
GILES: Yes. That does sound too suspicious for coincidence.
WILLOW: So what are we thinking?
XANDER: Obviously Angel and Spike both did something that made them feel dirty. [everyone gasps]
KENNEDY: Together?
FAITH: Aww no. I couldn't imagine them, ever, no. That's just whack.
KENNEDY: There was a lot of heat and tension between them.
FAITH: It's called a rivalry. There's always been a lotta tension between me and B. Do you think we would ever - ?
KENNEDY: Of course not. But I just, I got a sense about — [Buffy's glaring at her] it was probably just the clothes. I didn't mean to imply one of your ex-boyfriends was -
BUFFY: Thats a different ex-boyfriend.
Xander, Willow and Giles appear confused. After a few seconds, Willow and Xander realize what she's talking about.
WILLOW: Ohh. You mean Scott.
XANDER: Of course. Scott. I heard he was out a couple years back.
BUFFY: A couple years? Why am I always the last to know?
GILES: You're not. Who is Scott?
BUFFY: Short. Curly black hair. Dated him beginning of senior year.
FAITH: The muffin-turned-sleazebag who dumped you before the Homecoming Dance.
BUFFY: In fairness to Scott, I had already started seeing Angel again.
ANYA: Was he also a vampire?
FAITH: Course not.
BUFFY: Yes. I mean, no. Not back then.
XANDER: Buffy, what are you saying?
BUFFY: I'm saying I staked Scott last week.
FAITH: Damn girl. Ain't that ironic.
BUFFY: He was, he was, Scott was sired by Angel. At least that's what he said when I saw him the night after Angel was here.
Willow, Xander and Giles looked shocked. Everyone goes quiet.
DAWN: Buffy, I'm sure Angelus killed Scott only to hurt you. Not for, you know, any other reason.
ANYA: I know from my demon days that blood lust and carnal lust can have very little in common.
XANDER: After all, Spike sired Webs. That doesn't mean Spike's -
BUFFY: Of course not.
KENNEDY: Still, Scott was probably attracted to Angel.
WILLOW: How could he not be? [Xander and Buffy look at her]
WILLOW: Don't give me that look, Xander. Even you admitted he was a very attractive man.
GILES: We're losing focus. Can we please get back to figuring out what could have performed such a spell?
ANYA: We know it can't be a person. And I for one do not know of any demon who could do that. Or, for that matter, would even want to.
WILLOW: What's left? Gods?
ANYA: There are tons of creatures between demons and gods. All with different levels of power, different gradations of good and evil. And more than a few of them are willing to barter their powers.
Dawn is in the dining room, working on the computer.
DAWN: Cross-reference for Sanctuary Spells with Prostitution.
WILLOW: You think Spike and Angel slept with prostitutes?
DAWN: No. I think they were the prostitutes.
Everyone gasps. Buffy looks very angry.
FAITH: How do ya figure?
DAWN: In return for doing something they weren't proud of, they received something valuable. They sold their bodies to protect our bodies.
ANYA: That's far from unheard of. There's one group of demigods who are just on the tip of my tongue. Dammit, what's their name?
BUFFY: You guys are way off track. I'm sure it was NOTHING like that. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in some of you. [Buffy looks at Dawn. She expects these sort of sick imaginings from Anya, but not from her kid sister.]
DAWN: Got it!
GILES: Got what?
DAWN: I think I found them. There they are. Whoa.
XANDER: Whoa what?
GILES: Good heavens. [takes off his glasses and cleans them]
XANDER: Let me see. [his jaw drops]
GILES: The Transuding Furies.
ANYA: Yes! Those are the lighter-than-air bimbos I was thinking of.
DAWN: It says they specialize in sanctuary spells. In fact, it says that's all they do.
KENNEDY: What are they?
ANYA: A lower class of demigods. Immortals. The real kind that can't be killed. I know, because I wanted to curse a guy who took refuge in a temple they had protected. Boy, were those man-guarding tramps frustrating to negotiate with.
WILLOW: Why would demigods have a website?
DAWN: I think it's like a, I dunno, a fan site? Something put up by admirers. Or obsessive stalker-types.
ANYA: There's a difference?
DAWN: People exchange information about them and try to pinpoint their location. It seems they move around. Look at this. A few postings swear they have a place in Los Angeles.
Willow and Kennedy get a look at the three ladies.
BUFFY: What is it? Let me see.
WILLOW: Buffy. Wait. It may not be what we think.
She gets passed Willow, Kennedy, Giles and Xander and takes a good look. Then she turns around and walks through the kitchen and out the back door. Willow goes after her.
FAITH: Three girls, two guys. So it's not like Angel and Spike had to share.
KENNEDY: Or even be in the same room at the same time.
ANYA: I'm sure Buffy will take some small comfort in the fact that there was nothing homoerotic about her boyfriends' orgy.
XANDER: I still don't understand how this works. Angel and Spike get it on with the Furies. Angel and Spike get protection spells. What do the Furies get out of the deal?
ANYA: The barter system can be highly subjective.
GILES: I think Spike's presence proved that. Did he say the Bronze was also protected?
ANYA: It's Lorne!
FAITH: You think he was in on the orgy? [Faith shudders]
ANYA: He said the Bronze should have a protection spell. And he implied that he knew people who could make it happen.
DAWN: Does that make him the pimp?
ANYA: Technically, yes.
FAITH: He's sure dressed for the part.
DAWN: It says here the Furies are very selective, and won't touch humans. Supposedly they need demons who are "equipped" to satisfy them. [everyone cringes] They use that word a lot. It lists some demons who are thought to fit the bill.
ANYA: Let me see list. Yes. Yes. Oh yes. Overrated. Vastly overrated. Inconsistent. Yes. Big yes. What's that one doing there? Okay, these next couple were WAY too kinky for my tastes. These Furies are more depraved than I imagined.
DAWN: It says that as a rule they don't like vampires. I guess they made an exception this time.
GILES: More than one. It seems like it's supposed to be a one-for-one trade. But this time they protected three places.
DAWN: In exchange for only two tricks.
ANYA: They must really like Angel and Spike.
Willow and Buffy are in the backyard.
WILLOW: Buffy. You're probably right about this not being what it looks like.
BUFFY: How would you feel, if Kennedy -
WILLOW: With them? [Willow ponders this a few seconds] I would be jealous, and upset, but understanding. If it helped saved lives. Would you rather none of this happened and those Reapers could burst into this house any time they wanted?
BUFFY: But why Angel? He doesn't live here. He can protect his own, much larger, much more durable house.
WILLOW: I'm sure there was a good reason. It's not like he did it for fun. You heard what Dawn said. Angel didn't act like someone who had enjoyed himself.
BUFFY: It's not that I want a normal, uncomplicated guy. I know I can't have that. But could they just be a little less weird? Angel's two-and-half-centuries old, and dead, and cursed. Isn't that enough? Does he have to go and have a son with a vampire who tried to kill me?
WILLOW: It's a little much. We all know that. I've had my share of bad luck in the romance department. Nothing like what you've had to endure.
BUFFY: I'm not too sure about that.
WILLOW: Let's not get started with another masochistic tango of dueling heartache. You have a lot of people who would do anything to help you. Some of those things you wish they hadn't done. But love makes you do the wacky. Or, in this case, the possibly perverted. Just ask yourself if you think they would have done it for nothing. That answer's all you need to know.
BUFFY: You ever think that if there is a God, he's got a really sick sense of humor?
WILLOW: All the time. But whadya mean he?
BUFFY: Don't you think a woman would have made this world a little different?
WILLOW: I'm not saying She controls everything all the time.
Willow and Buffy walk back into the kitchen, where they are joined by Dawn, Giles, Xander, Faith and Kennedy. Spike comes down the stairs and walks into the kitchen on his way to the basement. He hasn't combed his hair, so it's a little frizzy, with a few stray curls hanging down over his forehead. Everyone stares at him.
DAWN: Your skin's a little red.
KENNEDY: Looks like you scrubbed too hard.
ANYA: Did you get the scent of Furies out of your pores?
SPIKE: Who told? Did Angel tell?
DAWN: I looked it up.
SPIKE: Shouldn't you people be researching the First, or something else that's trying to kill us?
ANYA: Were they your first Demigods?
Spike looks at Buffy and feels ashamed. He hangs his head, then looks at her with big, sorrowful eyes.
SPIKE: I didn't enjoy it. I only did it for you. I swear. I could have passed on the offer. But then, if something came in here, and killed one of the girls, and you found out I could have prevented it, wouldn't you have been even more pissed at me than you are right now? I did what I did with them because I love you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to get a drink. Trust me, I need one.
Spike goes out the back door. It takes a little while for them to make sense of what he said.
WILLOW: Buffy, I'm sure Angel felt the exact same way.
KENNEDY: They engaged in an orgy because they loved you? Men.
ANYA: And to think, there was a time when Faith wanted to switch places with YOU. (Right now, Anya suspects Buffy would want to switch places with Faith so she could get some hot Lindsey lovin.')
Spike made his way to the bar. When he was two blocks away, he heard a vaguely familiar voice emanating from an alley perpendicular to the street his was on. Cecil was walking towards Spike, singing an Elvis Costello song he liked:
"And it's the force of habit.
If it moves then you fuck it,
if it doesn't move you stab it.
And I thought I heard The Working Man's Blues.'
He went out to work that night and wasted his breath.
Outside there was a public execution.
Inside he died a thousand deaths.
And they pulled him out of the cold cold ground,
Yeah they pulled him out of the cold cold ground,
Well they pulled him out of the cold cold ground,"
Spike turned to his left, grabbed Cecil's Flipper t-shirt with his left hand and slammed him into the wall. Cecil was bumpy. Spike pulled back his right hand, ready to stake Cecil.
CECIL: Spike! My man Spike. It's me, Cecil. Put the lumber down, buddy. [he returns to his human face] I mean, we're on the same side, man.
SPIKE: Haven't you heard? I've changed.
CECIL: You mean the soul. I heard about that when I was working for Angelus in LA.
SPIKE: You worked for HIM?
CECIL: Me and Edgar, during the blackout. Our usual scams, but on a much grander scale. We gouged all the vamps in LA, then we robbed Angelus blind. Cleaned him out! He's a real sucker for sycophancy.
SPIKE: I've noticed. What are you doing here?
CECIL: I known, I usually don't like to work a Slayer's town.
SPIKE: To say nothing of a town with two Slayers.
CECIL: Faith's here! Have you nailed her yet? [Spike grabs Cecil's throat and shoves him back into the wall. Cecil wheezes when he tries to speak] Chill. I'm kidding. [Spike lets go] You lose your sense of humor when they gave you a soul? Every Slayer you've met, you've either killed or screwed. I just wanted to know what it was gonna be with Faithy.
SPIKE: So why are you here? Sunnydale seems a little down market for you.
CECIL: Not this week. Demons are leaving here like it's the end of the world. They're getting as far away from the Hellmouth as fast as possible. And nothing beats profiting off the desperate. These demons need cash and wheels — fast. Most of them have been here their whole lives. That's centuries for some. They got magic crystals, charmed jewels, gold doubloons. Nothing you could use for legal tender. I give them cash for their valuables at 25 cents on the dollar, then sell them off in the ancillary markets for triple what I paid. When I get done here, I'll finally be able to afford that place on the Riviera I've always dreamed of. Monte Carlo. Cannes. I'll be able to live like a king off the ill-gotten fat of the land. Then I can afford my own jet. No windows. I can go anywhere in the world I want within hours. And NOBODY will be able to touch me, cause I'll be able to buy protection like you wouldn't believe.
SPIKE: All of which will come to naught if I stake you right here in this alley.
Cecil holds out his hands.
CECIL: Wait wait wait! What has gotten into you?
SPIKE: A soul.
CECIL: Besides that. Killing me doesn't help you. And it doesn't help your precious Buffy.
SPIKE: Doesn't hurt.
CECIL: You want money? I got money. Here's a thousand.
Cecil reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out a big wad of twenties and tosses them to Spike.
SPIKE: This isn't a thousand. You're a bloody liar. [he flips through it and sees that it probably is] I don't want your money.
Spike tosses it back before he gets tempted.
CECIL: I bet Buffy can use it. What are Slayer wages these days? Probably below the poverty level.
SPIKE: She has bigger things to worry about.
CECIL: You want me to betray some vamps? I'm more than willing.
SPIKE: Right now, vampires are the least of her concerns. You know anything about Reapers?
CECIL: The machine?
SPIKE: The demon.
CECIL: Doesn't ring a bell.
SPIKE: Dark suits. Dark hats. Big swords.
CECIL: And they're here?
SPIKE: In force. More than a dozen, from what I've heard.
CECIL: Do they work for the First Evil?
SPIKE: So you've heard of the First.
CECIL: Who hasn't? This is why I'm on you side. We're both pro-existence. Neither of us wants the world to end.
SPIKE: And if you don't want your world to end, meet me here tomorrow at nine. That's when you'll tell me where they are.
CECIL: A little tracking. Cool. I can swing that. These Reaper guys sound rather conspicuous. Hell, cause you're an old friend, I'll do it for free.
SPIKE: You'll do it for your life.
CECIL: And my girl's.
SPIKE: Another stripper? Cecil, when will you learn?
CECIL: I have learned.
SPIKE: So what did you sire this time?
CECIL: Nothing. She was already a vampire. Came from right here in Sunnydale, actually. Left town the night she was sired.
SPIKE: Smart girl.
CECIL: And wild. The things she does to me in an El Dorado convertible.
SPIKE: Glad you're happy. Just keep a low profile. Where are you living?
CECIL: You know that Georgian mansion on Caldwell?
SPIKE: The one on the hill with the hedges? How did you land that?
CECIL: I'm renting.
SPIKE: You paid?
CECIL: Can't keep a low profile for very long if you kill the owner of every pied-e-terre you live in.
SPIKE: Sounds like we have an understanding.
CECIL: Tomorrow night, I'll give you the intell on the apocalyptic demons. And don't worry. Me and my girl only hunt out-of-town. I don't know why more vampires don't that. Best as I can tell, Buffy only slays within a six mile-radius. Vamp flight should have taken place years ago.
SPIKE: It hasn't because they're bloody idiots. You, on the other hand, are about to outsmart yourself into a staking.
CECIL: I forgot that you have that whole urge to protect the innocent, even the ones you don't know. Are do you? Because most people with a soul don't. And what's a few innocent lives when you're fighting to save the world?
Spike hurls him into the opposite wall and prepares to stake Cecil.
CECIL: You want those Reapers or not?
SPIKE: I don't need you to find them.
CECIL: Because you can do the scouting yourself. Liar! By now, I'm betting all the demons and vamps in this town got your number. To them, you're a mortal enemy. To them, I'm nothing. Just some harmless, anonymous loser vampire. That's why I never lose. By the time my enemy knows I'm fighting them, it's all over.
NEXT: Rupert's new girlfriend realizes that Faith tried to kill her brother. Wesley considers merging his agerncy with Angel's. And Angel and the gang want to find out why the Powers used and hurt Cordy.