Connor runs east down a deserted side street. Everyone else follows in the truck. A quarter-mile down the road, they see something. Gunn flips on his high beams, illuminating a black man wearing black tennis shoes, black pants, a dark-green tank top and Angel's unbuttoned shirt. Mal smiles. Connor stops as the others grab their weapons and get out of the truck.
MAL: I thought you would have a good nose. You have to understand, I had no idea what to expect. Three dozen centuries, and still I've never seen anything like you. [points at Gunn] Eurybades! It's been so long! Fine. Pretend you don't remember me. [walks up to Connor, takes a good look, grins] I never forget a face. Was your mother an Aurelian? [laughs as he backs away from Connor. He looks at the boy again, then laughs some more, before bursting into song in a sweet tenor voice.] "It's a been a long time, but I know a change is gonna come." For you, empath. Humans working for vampires. Pyleans working for humans. Am I in a Mirror Dimension?
CORDY: Where's Angel?
MAL: Angel is safe, if not quite sound. He will return to you when I want him to. If you object, well, object. Fight. Try anything and everything within your power. Because it won't make a difference.
CONNOR: Tell us where Angel is.
MAL: And if I refuse?
CONNOR: We'll kill you. [Cordy and Fred point their crossbows at Mal, who's thirty feet in front of the group. Lorne and Wes point tranq guns. Wesley also points a real gun. Charles brandishes his two-handed battle ax. Connor holds a broadsword.]
MAL: I was hoping it would come to this.
Mal goes bumpy. Cordelia fires her crossbow. Mal leaps fifteen feet in the air. Fred points upward and fires. Mal does a flip and catches the bolt in his left hand. Wesley backs up onto the sidewalk to Mal's left, waiting to get a clear shot when he lands. Lorne backs up to Mal's right. Connor gets ready to slice upward and cut Mal on his way down. Gunn stands to Connor's right, his ax held back, waiting for his chance to swing. Cordy and Fred retreat behind the truck to reload. As Mal's feet approach the ground, Connor goes for his knees, swinging his sword from left to right. Mal pulls both legs up and does a midair split. The blade flies right under him. Mal lowers his legs and lands on the ground. Connor swings the sword from right to left, going for Mal's neck. The vampire doesn't duck. Instead, when the blade is three inches to the left of his neck, Mal reaches out his right hand and grabs Connor's left wrist, stopping the sword's momentum. He squeezes down on Connor's wrist, crushing a bone or two, forcing him to take his left hand off the weapon. At the same time, Mal stabs Connor's right shoulder with Fred's crossbow bolt. Connor pulls his right arm back, dropping the sword. Mal looks into Connor's eyes, sees the pain, smiles, and knocks Connor down with a left hook.
On Mal's left, Gunn comes at him with the ax. When he hits Connor, the ax is in mid-swing. Mal ducks, avoids the blow, spins clockwise and grabs the ax handle with his right hand before Connor's back hits the ground. Mal quickly rips the weapon out of Charles's hands and strikes him on top of his head with the back of the ax. Behind Gunn is Wesley. Once Charles began to fall, and thus moved out of Wesley's line-of-fire, he fired the tranq gun. Mal reaches his left hand up, grabs the dart between his thumb and index finger, then tosses it behind him, hitting Lorne in the neck on the other side of the street. Lorne collapses before firing a shot. Mal looks at Wes while he bends the ax's metal handle into a U. Wes pulls out his pistol and fires two shots as Mal advances on him. Mal blocks both of them with the flat side of the ax head. Wesley backs up against the wall, looking over Mal's shoulder, hoping to delay the vampire long enough for Connor to come at him from behind. Mal swings his right arm, sending the flat side of the ax towards Wesley's forehead. A glancing yet crushing blow knocks Wes unconscious. Mal drops the deformed weapon, turns around and walks back towards Connor, who's still down for the count. Gunn is conscious, but stays down and pretends to be knocked out. When Mal has stepped past him and is leaning down to pick up Connor, Charles rises to his feet and tries to stake Mal in the back with a pop-out stake he has attached to his right wrist. Mal reaches behind his back with his left hand, crushes the stake, spins and hits Charles in the face with the back of his right hand.
MAL: I knew you were the brains of this operation. [Mal lets Gunn land a right hook to his jaw] So who's the white boy with the pistols? [knocks Gunn out with a left hook] I suppose he's the soft target decoy.
Connor rises to his feet, wields a mace and drives it into the top of Mal's skull. This succeeds in getting his attention, though not quite in injuring him. Mal spins around, hits Connor with a right hook kick, whirls around a second time and knocks Connor on his back with a left roundhouse kick. He continues walking forward, then turns to his left. Cordelia has come out from behind the back of the truck and points her reloaded crossbow at Mal's heart. She is twenty feet in front of him. Fifteen feet to his right is Fred, a crossbow in her left hand, pointed at Mal, and her right hand behind her back. Mal faces Cordy. He can see Fred out of the corner of his right eye.
MAL: I do hope you ladies last longer than the gents.
CORDY: Let's see how long you last.
Cordelia fires her crossbow. It's heading straight for Mal's heart. But the metal point bounces off his sternum, and the bolt falls harmlessly to the ground. Cordy looks more than a little astonished. Fred drops her crossbow and swings the flail in her right hand. Mal doesn't bother turning to face her. He reaches his right arm out, grabbing the chain while he tilts his head left to avoid the ball. He tugs on the chain, lifting Fred's feet off the ground and pulling her towards him. Mal grabs Fred with both hands and throws her behind him and to his right. Fred crashes through a store's plate glass window. Mal hears Connor approach. He spins around, knocks Connor back down with a right hook kick, completes his 360 and lands facing Cordelia. She took advantage of the distraction Connor provided, charged Mal and hits his nose with the metal front of her crossbow. Mal's head snaps back, but he smiles.
MAL: I like you!
Mal grabs the crossbow and bends both metal ends inward until they touch the weapon's wooden spine, rendering it useless. Cordy retreats. Mal pursues. She throws a right sweep kick. He pulls his head back out of the way. She grabs a stake in her right hand. When Mal looks over his shoulder to make sure Connor's not up, she stabs for his heart. Mal grabs the stake with his left hand and looks at her.
MAL: Why so hostile? I only said I liked you.
He rips the stake out of her hand, grabs both her wrists before she can try to punch him and hurls her high up into the air.
MAL: It didn't say I wanted you. Please.
As Mal goes back to his human face, he turns around to see Connor up on his feet. Cordy spins and flips through the air before crashing onto the flatbed of Gunn's truck. Mal and Connor her the thud she makes. Mal turns to his right to get a look.
MAL: Did she land on her back? Yes she did. Perfect!
While Mal's distracted, Connor throws a right hook. Mal grabs Connor's right forearm with his left hand and turns his head back to face Connor.
MAL: Far too predicable.
Connor kicks him in the stomach with his right foot. Mal lands a quick right jab. Connor backs up and tries a left roundhouse kick, which Mal blocks. But Connor connects with a right uppercut to Mal's stomach and a left cross to his chin, wincing as the blow lands because of his hurt left wrist. The vampire responds with a right to Connor's sternum and a left to his ribcage. Connor throws a right hook kick. Mal grabs Connor's right ankle with both hands and twirls Connor in midair. He spins several times before falling to the ground. While down, Connor tries to sweep Mal's legs. He leaps up and over Connor, then turns around as Connor rises to his feet. Connor takes a few steps back, trying to make Mal charge in and open himself up to a counter attack. Mal leaps at Connor, does a forward flip and kicks Connor in his face on the way down. He follows this up with a left hook kick to Connor's ribs and a right cross to his face. Connor lands a right hook. Mal connects with one of his own, giving far better than he got. Connor tries a left uppercut, which Mal pulls his chin back away from before answering with a quick right jab to Connor's nose. Connor throws a right cross. Mal grabs Connor's right fist with his left hand and lands two more quick jabs to Connor's nose before capping off his combination with a right uppercut. Connor staggers backwards. Mal pounds his head with a left roundhouse kick, then adds two fast right hook kicks to the left side of Connor's ribcage, balancing off the damage he had already done to the right side. Connor desperately throws a right hook and a left roundhouse kick. Mal chuckles as he easily blocks both of these. Mal lands three straight right-left combinations, working Connor's face like a punching bag. He adds two right hook kicks to Connor's left ear without returning his right foot to the ground in between kicks. Mal takes a glance at Connor, almost wishing this kid would go down already. He's starting to feel sorry for the boy. Mal decides to quickly finish him off with a left hook. Connor falls on his back, squinting up at Mal through his swollen eyes. Mal takes off Angel's shirt and drops it down on top of Connor.
MAL: You're stubborn. You and your father both. I like that. [Mal walks away] I I have a feeling I am going to like this Los Angeles. City of Angels? Ha-ha. Not anymore.
Spike's speeding around Sunnydale in his car, with Buffy riding shotgun and Faith in the back.
SPIKE: Red said he was round here?
BUFFY: Northeast part of town.
FAITH: So you have a convertible? Just like Angel?
SPIKE: [snorts] First off, he has a Plymouth, which as cars go is somewhere between Yugo and Trabant. Second, this had a hardtop, till those Reapers cratered it after smashing my windshield. Only way to make this thing driveable was to saw everything off.
BUFFY: I do miss the windshield. It's like riding on your bike without a helmet.
FAITH: You got a bike? What kind?
SPIKE: Hog. Woulda used it, 'cept I didn't have one of those nice little side cars for you, Faithy.
BUFFY: Spike! Watch out!!
Seth stands in front of them. Right before Spike hits him, he disappears. Spike pulls into the gravel parking lot of a boarded-up diner off the right side of the road. The three of them get out. Seth walks out from behind the diner, slowly picking the petals off a daisy. He wears his black leather vest with brown alligator-skin pants, a necklace with teeth hanging from it and a circular, flat-topped cap with an intricately woven green, yellow and blue pattern.
SETH: "Where have all the Slayers gone? Long, long time ago. Where have all the Slayers gone? Long long time ago. When will they ever learn?"
SPIKE: Didn't take you for a folkie.
SETH: And I didn't take you for a masochist. But why else would you be here?
SPIKE: Certainly not for fashion advice. Your Reapers may be mindless clones, but at least they have better headgear.
SETH: I prefer a little color. Bought this in Kazakhstan.
SPIKE: Oh really. That where you picked up those teeth?
SETH: No. Siberian tiger. Put up a better fight than any of you.
SPIKE: Did you also kill the croc who gave his life for those ridiculous pants?
SETH: No. I had better things to do with my time. And I don't mean rassling with you three.
BUFFY: I know. We're so much harder to kill than what you'd like to get your hands on.
SETH: That house can't protect them forever. Time is on my side.
BUFFY: Wrong. For you, it's all downhill from here on out.
Faith hurls a glass beaker containing half a liter of sulfuric acid at Seth's face. He puts his hands to his face. Buffy kicks him in the stomach with her right foot, lands a left hook to his right ear and an uppercut to his chin. He staggers back, takes his hands off his face, balls them up into fists and looks at Buffy. Faith runs up and nails his nose with a leaping right kick. He backtracks some more. Spike sweeps his legs out and Buffy kicks him twice in the head while he's down. Seth rolls to his left and stands up. Spike lands a right hook to his face. Seth sends a right uppercut into Spike's stomach, grabs the back of Spike's head with his left hand and pulls the head down into his right knee. As Spike falls down, Buffy lands a left hook kick to the right side of Seth's face. He glances at her.
SETH: Wait your turn.
Faith kicks him in the mouth with a straight right kick. Seth lands a right kick to her stomach and knocks Faith on her back with a right uppercut to the chin. Seth turns to his right to face Buffy. She tries to surprise him with a right hook kick, but he blocks it as he turns. He blocks a straight left kick, a right cross and a right roundhouse kick. Seth hits her face with the back of his right hand, then a right hook, then a left cross, knocking her down. Seth retreats, picks up some dirt, rubs it into his irritated face, takes off his hat and rests it on a post in a metal parking railing. He walks back to his opponents as they rise to their feet.
SETH: One at a time? All at once? Boys first? Or just the girls? Tell me your pleasure.
Spike steps towards Seth and hits his left eye with a right cross. Seth reaches out his left hand, grabs Spike's shirt and lifts his feet off the ground.
SETH: Was that supposed to hurt me?
Seth tosses Spike a few feet in the air and hits his face with a right jab when Spike's coming down and his feet are a foot off the ground. Spike tumbles to the gravel. Faith lands a left cross and a right kick to the nose, knocking Seth back several steps.
SETH: Now that's better.
He blocks Faith's left roundhouse kick, jumps in the air when she tries to sweep his legs with her right foot, then knocks her back with a flying right kick to the chin. He walks towards her, and towards Buffy, who is to Faith's left. He leaps at them, grabbing Faith with his left hand and Buffy with his right and taking them down to the ground. Spike comes at Seth from behind. He kicks his legs up, hits Spike in the face and does a forward hand spring to rise to his feet. Buffy and Faith stand up. Seth still has his back to them. He kicks Buffy in the chest with his right foot, then tries to kick Faith with his left. She grabs the foot. Seth spins around and knocks her down with a flying right hook kick. Buffy comes at him from the left. He tries to punch her, but she grabs his left wrist. Seth uses his strength to pull his wrist free, then turns left to face her. He quickly lands right and left jabs, followed immediately by a right cross. Buffy backpedals but stays on her feet. Spike runs at Seth from behind. He turns and tries to sweep Spike's legs out. Spike leaps in the air, avoiding the move, but Seth catches Spike and hurls him onto the road. He looks up, sees headlights approaching, and rolls off to the shoulder just in time. Meanwhile, Seth leaps at Buffy and lands a leaping right kick to her chest. The blow nearly knocks her into the side of the car that almost ran over Spike. Buffy sees Faith coming at Seth from behind. She assumes her fighting stance and waits as Seth approaches. When he is six feet in front of Buffy, Faith kicks him in the back. Seth turns, grabs Faith's right wrist with his left hand, grabs her throat with his right hand, and tosses her over his shoulder and into Buffy. Both Slayers land on the road. Seth notices that no cars are coming.
SETH: I knew I should have picked a busier part of town.
Seth backs up into the parking lot as Spike pursues him.
BUFFY: Spike! Wait.
He stops and allows Buffy and Faith to stand up and walk over to join him in the attack. Seth looks at Spike and grins.
SETH: That's a good boy. We all know you're not strong enough to get the job done by yourself.
SPIKE: And you are?
The three of them surround Seth. He blocks Faith's right hook kick, but gets hit by Buffy's left hook kick and Faith's right roundhouse kick. Spike adds a right cross, left uppercut and right hook. Faith lands a right kick to his chest, and Buffy knocks Seth down with a leaping right roundhouse kick. He falls down five feet in front of the abandoned diner. Faith, Buffy and Spike stand there, waiting for him to get up, too respectful of his power to make a rash attack. He recognizes this.
SETH: You're scared. [pushes his feet against the ground and stands up without using his hands] Because you know, the more you hurt me, the angrier I get, the more dangerous I become.
BUFFY: Not really. We were just waiting for another chance to knock you on your ass.
SETH: You always win, don't you?
Buffy hits Seth in the stomach with a right kick, then spins and tries a left roundhouse kick. He grabs her left leg and hurls her back and to his left. She crashes through plywood and lands in the restaurant.
SETH: That's your problem.
Seth notices Spike's urge to run to Buffy's side. He leaps at Spike and knocks him down with a flying right kick. Faith rips off a 2x4 that blocked the entrance, runs at Seth and swings away. He puts his left fist through the board, shattering all but the last foot, which Faith cleverly drives into his stomach. Seth knocks her back with a right hook and removes the board. She sees that the stabbing left no damage.
SETH: Can you do that? [Spike leaps at Seth's back. He reaches his left arm behind him, grabs Spike's throat and rolls his eyes] You again. [Seth hurls Spike through the wall and towards Buffy] I gave you what you wanted. Happy now? [Faith connects with a right cross. Seth returns his attention to her] No one ever bothers to come to your rescue. Why is that?
Faith hits Seth with the back of her right hand, then with a left jab. Seth kicks her in the stomach with his right foot and punches her in the face with a left cross. Then he grabs her with both hands and tosses Faith through the plywood on top of the window to the left of the entrance, on the opposite side from where he tossed in Buffy and Spike. Seth leaps high in the air and enters the restaurant through the roof. It's very dark. Faith, Buffy and Spike have trouble seeing each other. But they can all see Seth's bright green eyes. He walks around, searching for his adversaries as they stay low to the ground and try to look for the best weapons. Buffy decides to circle back to the kitchen. Spike hears her and attempts a diversion. He picks up a four foot-wide circular table and runs at Seth, pushing him back into the counter. Faith picks up a smaller table and rams its round metal bottom into Seth's face while his back is pinned to the counter by Spike. Seth grabs the large table which is against his chest and pushes it away, along with Spike. Faith nails Seth in the side of the head. He grabs the thick central table leg and pulls it away from Faith. She lands a right cross. He grabs her head and slams Faith's face into the counter. Spike manages to pry loose one of the booths and pushes it into Seth's legs, slamming them into the counter and causing his upper body to lean forward. Buffy was disappointed to find that all the pots and pans had been removed. The best she could do for a portable weapon was to rip the metal front door off the dishwasher. She emerges from the kitchen, reaches over the counter and slams the bottom of the door into the back of his head.
BUFFY: Order up.
Buffy brings the door down onto the top of Seth's head. Spike stands on top of the booth and wails away on Seth's face. He gets in four punches before Seth reaches out his right hand, grabs Spike's groin and squeezes. Spike gasps and groans in agony. Seth tosses Spike over his head and into the wall between the restaurant and the kitchen. Spike is slow to get up.
SPIKE: Bloody . . . low . . . blow.
Faith slams the back of Seth's head into the counter and Buffy brings the metal door down onto his face. Using his feet, Seth pushes the booth away from his lower body. Then he grabs the back of the counter with his hands, pulls his legs backwards and upwards and kicks the door as Buffy is bringing it down on his face yet again. The force of the blow knocks Buffy back into the wall. Seth does a back hand spring and lands behind the counter, looking across it at Faith. She throws a right jab. He leaps over the counter and lands behind her. When she turns and attacks, he smashes a wooden table over her head, knocking Faith down. Buffy jumps over the counter and pushes Spike's booth towards Seth's legs. He leaps over the booth and fells Buffy with a flying right kick. From behind the counter, Spike reaches out, grabs Seth's neck and drives the back of his head into the counter. While holding Seth there, Spike tries to choke him, thinking perhaps that could work against Seth's kind. Seth grabs Spike's wrist and slowly pulls Spike's hands off his neck. Buffy and Faith attack, but he knocks them down with left and right kicks. After pulling Spike's arms up, Seth turns, grabs Spike and throws him over his shoulder and through the boarded-up front door. Seth then picks up the table Faith used against him and hits Faith and Buffy in the head the metal bottom, knocking them down yet again. He gives Faith another shot while she's down, since it was her weapon. Buffy tries to get up, but Seth kicks her back down with his right foot. He tosses her through the side wall. Then he walks back to Faith, picks her up and tosses Faith through the other side wall. Seth then walks through the busted front door to face off against Spike, who's all alone in the parking lot.
SPIKE: There's just certain things a bloke doesn't do to another bloke, no matter how much he hates 'im.
Spike lands a right hook to Seth's face. Seth answers in kind. Spike manages to stay on his feet.
SETH: Who says I'm a bloke?
SPIKE: [laughs] You mean ya don't got any? Explains why you're working for the First.
Seth lands a left cross. Spike kicks him in the groin. Seth groans and doubles over. Spike lands left and right crosses to his face. Seth nails Spike in the stomach with a right uppercut, then in the ribcage with a left hook. He grabs Spike by the ears and head butts him to the ground.
SETH: I would have shown you, but I'm not in the habit of embarrassing "blokes" and making their girlfriends curious. [he sees Buffy staggering towards him about twenty feet behind Spike] Sorry miss. I know you're not his girlfriend. He just thinks you are. It's so, [smiles] "bloody," obvious. Especially now that all of you are so, [grins] bloody.
Spike stands up, but Seth just knocks him right back down with a left hook kick. He turns to see Faith ten feet behind him.
SETH: Don't worry, honey. I didn't forget about my favorite third wheel.
She swings her right hand towards Seth's head, trying to hit him with a brick she picked up along the side of the building. He ducks, but looks a little worried by her resourcefulness at this late stage in the fight. Mal punches her in the stomach with his right hand, clubs her in the back with his left, and knocks her down with right knee to the face. After she missed the punch, Faith tossed the brick forward and Buffy picked it up off the the ground. As Seth turned, she swung it towards him with her right hand. Seth sticks his left hand out and blocks the brick, then knocks Buffy down with a right hook. He leaps over top of Buffy towards Spike. He in turn leaps at Seth. When they meet in midair, Spike lands a right cross at the moment Seth connects with a left uppercut. Spike's the one who falls on his back. Seth dances around and laughs, waiting for all three of them to rise. They back up towards the car. Seth leaps at Faith, smashes her head into the passenger's side mirror, then rams her head into the door. Buffy grabs Seth from behind and tries to throw him. He spins out of the move, looks to his left, sees Spike, kicks Spike in the stomach with his right foot and knocks him down with a left jab and a right hook. Buffy kicks him in the face. Seth throws a straight right kick. Buffy moves to her left to evade this kick, but gets knocked into the car by Seth's left roundhouse kick. He hits her chin with a right uppercut, her right cheek with a left cross, then her chin again with another right uppercut. Buffy's back slides down the car door as she falls to the ground. With all three of his opponents down for the count, Seth backs up and slowly claps.
SETH: Good show. Hope you have enough left for the encore.
Seth picks up his hat, puts it on and disappears. Seven Reapers emerge from behind the restaurant and slowly approach.
BUFFY: Spike! Spike!! We have to go! [he stands up]
SPIKE: You go on ahead. I'll keep them busy.
BUFFY: No!!!
SPIKE: Don't worry about me, love. I'll be all right.
BUFFY: You have the keys!!!
SPIKE: Keys? My car! Well aren't I a bloody idiot.
Remembering that they don't have to escape on foot, Spike runs to his automobile. Buffy and Faith pull themselves up and crawl into the back seat. Spike climbs over the hood, jumps into the front seat and starts the engine. The Reapers run towards the car. Faith and Buffy grab swords which are on the floor of the back seat (they knew the weapons would be useless against Seth). They block two of the Reaper's sword slashes from the right side of the car. Another Reaper hacks at Spike from the right side, reaching over the passenger seat. Spike moves towards the door, and the blade narrowly misses him as it cuts through the upholstery. A Reaper on the left side of the car sticks his dagger through the door. The dagger slides between Spike's left elbow and his left thigh. Two more Reapers begin slashing for Buffy and Faith from the left side of the car when Spike gets the engine started and zooms away. They are all relieved to get out of there.
SPIKE: At least they didn't slash my tires.
FAITH: No. Spike. I think they did. [Spike listens. Both front tires are making noise and performing badly.]
SPIKE: Bloody hell. I knew I should've taken Rupert's car.
Spike races off on his rims, lest the Reapers catch up the them.
Wesley, Fred, Gunn and Lorne sit around the office, looking through books. Gunn has an ice pack on a large bump on top of his head. Wes tries to hold an ice bag to his purple forehead while leaning forward to read. Fred's hands are bandaged from when she landed in the broken glass.
GUNN: So we're lookin' for vamp. A powerful, dimension-hopping vamp.
FRED: I think I remember him singing before I got knocked out.
LORNE: Sam Cooke.
FRED: What did you pick up?
LORNE: He has a nice voice. Good taste in soul music. And he's completely confident that he can kill Angel and Connor.
GUNN: What about the rest of us? Did he think anything about the rest of us?
LORNE: No. Except that he's going to enslave my brothers and make my sisters work in Lebovian brothels. He knew I was listening in. That was probably his idea of telepathic trash-talking.
GUNN: Why'd he call me Eurybades. Who the hell's Eurybades?
WES: Odysseus's black sidekick.
GUNN: He called me a sidekick!!
FRED: What are you talking about? Odysseus doesn't have a black sidekick!
WES: Yes he does.
FRED: How hard were you hit in the head?
GUNN: He takes one look, and he thinks I'm the sidekick. Way to keep a brother down.
WES: Actually, Eurybades is far more than a sidekick. He's an experienced soldier. King Agamemnon trusted his advice above that of all his fellow Greeks. His courage and honor were unimpeachable. In fact, he was the only man Odysseus trusted with his life. I think the vampire was paying you a compliment.
FRED: Where does it say that he's a black guy?
WES: It's heavily implied. I'll try to find the passages when I have a chance.
FRED: And what the heck is a black man doing with a bunch of Greeks at Troy?
WES: He was supposed to be a mercenary from Egypt. It wasn't that far-fetched. There are paintings of black soldiers in Crete from that period. Wait. What if he was giving us a clue? Three dozen centuries.
GUNN: You're saying he's from Egypt? And he doesn't think I'm a sidekick?
WES: He wants us to know who he is. [gets up and goes to the shelf]
FRED: Then why didn't he just tell us?
LORNE: Because when you're a celebrity, you don't tell people who you are. They're supposed to recognize you.
FRED: He thinks he's a famous vampire?
LORNE: He sure acts like a superstar.
Wesley puts a book on the desk and opens it.
WES: Here we go. An Ethiopian archer, based in a garrison in Knossos, sired around 1500 B.C. After rising, he proceeded to eat his entire company, ingesting so much blood on his first night that his eyes turned red.
GUNN: Sounds like our guy so far.
WES: Except for one problem. This vampire doesn't exist.
FRED: Then why is he in that book?
WES: It's a myth contained in one of the Council's volumes. More of a folk tale, really. A bogey man, created over the centuries, across cultures. I read about him when I was a school boy. His name's Mal. [reads from book] "Variously referred to as Melkar, Malvol, Malik, Malbram, Malashk, Malavasi, Min-shih, Mulu, Man-tep and Malahan."
LORNE: That's a lotta names for a fake person.
WES: Because his legend spread wherever there was a fear of vampires. He's like Nosferatu.
FRED: Nosferatu's not real?
WES: Of course not.
GUNN: But whatever attacked us, that was real.
WES: Yes, and I think he wants us to believe he really is Mal. It's common for vampires to impersonate legends. Like how every New Orleans vampire in a frilly shirt claims to be Lestat.
FRED: So he's not real either?
GUNN: Big deal. Even as a legend he's a weak-assed vamp. We could dust him in a second.
LORNE: So, in your expert opinion, the incredibly strong vampire who kidnapped Angel and made us all kiss pavement is pretending to be an incredibly strong fake vampire. Heavens to Betsy, that's a relief.
FRED: Just out of curiosity, what was this "fake" vampire supposed to have done?
WES: Attack only the strong. That was the crux of the myth: Mal was a vampire who hated fear. It's actually supposed to make him lose his appetite. He attacked armies: Hittites, Assyrians, Persians, Macedonians, Romans – but always when they were at the height of their power. And he was reputed to have killed twenty Slayers. A conveniently round number, and far more than any actual vampire on record.
GUNN: But, of course, he never did those things, cause he ain't real.
WES: Right. If a Slayer survived a few years, started to think she was invincible and began to slack off on her training, her Watcher would tell her about Mal. He existed to convince the Slayer that no matter how strong she became, there was always a vampire out there who was even stronger. As the centuries progressed, successive Watchers embellished the tale and added their own local details.
LORNE: It doesn't quite scan. This guy's good. Really good. Good enough that he doesn't need to pretend to be a myth in order to scare people.
GUNN: He had really big teeth. Even for a vamp. That's gotta mean something.
WES: I'm not sure.
GUNN: And the red eyes. I've never seen a vampire with those.
WES: But he's clearly pretending to be this mythical character.
FRED: How can you be so sure he's a myth?
WES: Because of these stories. They have him fighting Achilles, Heracles, Semiramis. You don't have real monsters fighting creatures of myth.
LORNE: Dracula versus Billy the Kid.
GUNN: I thought it was Godzilla versus Billy the Kid?
LORNE: They might've done that too.
WES: What does that have to do with anything?
GUNN: Real people fighting fake people.
WES: Dracula's real. And Godzilla's not a person.
LORNE: The point's the same. And the people who made the movie didn't think Dracula was real. At least I don't think they did.
FRED: What if we are fighting this Mal guy? We sure don't wanna believe we are, but what if he is real, and he's the one who took Angel?
GUNN: Vamps a vamp. We know how to kill 'em.
WES: If Mal were real, he'd be the greatest vampire of all time. Or at the very least the greatest in recorded history. By a long shot. [a few seconds of silence] But he can't be. For one thing, there's no mention of Mal doing anything in the past ten centuries. Fourteen centuries, actually. He only exists in the ancient world. What has he been doing all that time? He's not the sort of monster to keep a low profile.
LORNE: Maybe he's been overseas. Dimensionally-speaking. He took Angel to another dimension. He knew what I was. Whatever we fought, that guy's been around.
WES: And Angel brought him back? I know Angel is special, but come on.
FRED: Angel AND Connor. You heard what he said.
LORNE: Vampire-with-a-soul plus vampire child equals boku novelty.
GUNN: Just perfect. We're fighting a supervamp. Without our supervamp.
WES: That's the other thing. Mal isn't the divide-and-conquer sort. He prefers to collect and conquer.
GUNN: He said he'd bring Angel back when he was good and ready.
LORNE: You mean when he was done playing with his toys. [the others look at him] The toys being us, of course. Angel sold separately.
FRED: He's torturing us. And Angel. 'Specially Angel. All alone. Doesn't know where he is. Doesn't know if we're even alive. Having Lord knows what done to him.
WES: Given that this vampire's methods are highly unorthodox, and the fact that he is exceptionally gifted, I'm willing to go out on a limb and entertain the possibility that he is Mal. However, I'll need to see more proof before I'm convinced. [Wes leaves the room. The others limp after him]
FRED: You're not goin' anywhere, are you?
LORNE: The rest of the world isn't so warm, cozy and sanctuaried.
WES: I'm going to make a call. I think it's clear that none of us are in a position to leave the building tonight.
GUNN: No complaints here.
FRED: Wait! What about Faith? And Buffy!?
WES: Good point. I suppose I should alert Rupert. Though he probably has enough to worry about with the First.
LORNE: Of course. They're fighting an omnipotent enemy. Why should they worry about a mere world champion Slayer-killer who happens to be in the neighborhood?