I went a bit overboard with this, so guys if you need to "pee" Go NOW! Splenda, a "pee warning" is when I write too much, lol, and some people have small bladders…accidents happen. Thanks once more for all the reviews - I love em. And, a big thanks to Becky and Beth for beta-ing this for me.
Anyway shutting up now.
Spoilers: Chimera, an iddy biddy one for Death Knell.
Rating: PG
Chapter 6 - Honesty
Fear set in as she watched his eyes closing. Anger and panic began building up inside her, as she wondered why the SF's were taking so long.
"You can't leave me Jack O'Neill, you hear me. I won't let you." Sam pleaded, feeling the beat of his heart slowing down; it was if he was giving up. Blood continued to seep through his clothing. Checking his pulse, she felt a searing pain in her right arm, but she didn't have the time or inclination to see what was wrong. Adrenaline was acting as a natural painkiller for the moment. All she was interested in was keeping him alive. She refused to let him go.
Keeping her hand firmly against his wound, trickles of blood from her own injury mingled in with his. And before long, she couldn't tell whose blood was whose.
The SF's arrived within a few minutes and began rushing around them like bees gathering honey; everything seemed to be happening so fast. Anger was now replaced with shock. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't focus. He was dying here in her arms and there was nothing she could do.
She didn't know how long it had been between Jack getting shot and Janet's arrival, but she knew it was long enough for him to have lost more blood. As they lifted him on to the gurney, she could see the pool of blood where he had lay in. Sam felt sick as she watched his head loll to one side.
Janet began checking his vitals, before glancing over towards her friend, noticing her crimson red shirt. "Sam! Are you hurt?"
"It's not my blood." Sam answered flatly her eyes never leaving the Colonel's limp form.
"You're sure?" Janet queried not quite convinced. Something wasn't quite right with her and it wasn't just shock. Watching her friend careful she knew there was more here than met the eye, something darker lurking behind her friend's eyes. But, at the moment her immediate attention was required assessing and dealing with the Colonel's injuries.
Turning back towards her patient, she knew she had to hurry. From the amount of blood that covered both their clothing, it was apparent that there wasn't much time.
Once he was settled on the gurney Janet checked his vitals once more. His heart rate was erratic and his breathing was slow and shallow, she knew then he was going into hypervolemic shock. Without immediate intervention she knew he wouldn't survive the journey. Suddenly Janet barked, "We're loosing him, get the paddles!"
The flurry of activity seemed to be going in slow motion, particularly when she heard those fateful words. Her heart slammed against her chest. She tried to breath, but found her chest ached at the effort…it was if her heart was breaking in two.
Time was running out.
"Come on Colonel." Janet encouraged him, placing the paddles on his chest. "Clear!"
Sam watched as the heart monitor beeped incessantly. He was clinically dead. She watched as Janet administered the first electrical charge to his body. Jack's prone figure raised slightly off the gurney as the current passed through him. Her heart rate quickened each time the paddles were activated.
She was completely numb.
Out of all the near death experiences that they'd gone through together, for some reason this one would stay forever in her mind. Their last words had been spoken in anger, and she really believed that if he died now…she'd never be able to forgive herself.
Then she heard it…irregular at first, but within seconds the monitor began picking up the beats until it had become as steady as it was going to get.
"Okay, he's stable for now, let's get him to the infirmary STAT."
Watching him rushed through the base, Sam felt herself being led away by one of the medical staff down the long hallways. Janet and the others had tried to talk to her, but she'd said nothing. What could she say? He was laying on the gurney his body pale and lifeless and she was responsible…maybe not directly, but ultimately that was how she felt. The medical team had wanted to take her by gurney to, but she'd refused, she couldn't bear the fact that they were helping her like this, especially when she felt as if she didn't deserve it.
Feelings of guilt encumbered her soul. Irrational thoughts plagued her conscious mind. Somewhere deep inside she knew it wasn't her fault, but the more she tried to convince herself of it, the darker her thoughts became.
Each step she took was now becoming harder and harder, her vision was becoming blurry, but she refused to give in to her body's need for help. She wanted them to concentrate on him not her, and until she knew he was out of danger she wouldn't seek out their help.
Waiting for them at the infirmary, was General Hammond, Daniel and Teal'c their faces reflecting concern and shock at Jack being wheeled into the operating room. She noticed the General opening his mouth to speak, but Janet hadn't had time to discuss the situation with him. Uncertainty of how this could have happened filled their eyes as they turned towards her. Sam felt that familiar knot forming in the pit of her stomach as their questioning eyes bore into her soul. Torn with guilt she turned away from their penetrating gaze.
Daniel was the first to reach her, concern etched in his delicate features. Reaching out to her, all he wanted to do was provide some comfort, but she couldn't bear it. She didn't want their sympathy…she didn't deserve it.
"Leave me be, Daniel." Sam replied backing off.
"Sam?" He didn't understand.
"Easy, son. She just needs a bit of space. Let the medical staff deal with her for now. We can wait a few minutes."
"General I just want to know what happened. First Sam's resignation, now, just as she's leaving Jack gets shot. I just don't get it. Something else is going on here."
"I know you're anxious… as am I. But, our first priority is to make sure that they are both okay."
Daniel nodded simply; he knew the General was right. Trouble was he needed answers.
Sam had gotten past the point of caring now. A black cloud embraced her, dragging her downwards. Uncertainty mixed with hate, guilt and anger filled her soul. Jack was in the operating room, fighting for his life and the med technicians were only concerned with her welfare, and she detested herself for it. In her mind she wasn't worth the effort, as far as she was concerned all their concentration should have been on the Colonel, but instead they were wasting their time with her.
"I wish everyone would stop fussing! You should be concentrating on the Colonel, that's your priority." Sam shouted to the technicians as they tried to remove her bloodied jacket.
"Major, there are enough people taking care of him. My responsibility is to take care of you."
"I don't want your help. I want to make sure the Colonel's okay first."
"Major, please sit down, and at least let me look at your arm."
"No." Sam continued, her voice slightly hysterical. It was as if her emotions were on a roller coaster, and she couldn't get off. "I don't want you to help me. I want to know what's happening with Colonel O'Neill. Please, I just want to know that he's okay."
"If I find out how he is, will you let me look at you?"
Sam nodded. If this was the only way she'd find out, then that's what she'd do.
Turning on her heels the nurse walked out the infirmary, leaving an agitated Major Carter alone in the infirmary. Checking her watch, it had been nearly 20 minutes since she had spoken with the nurse. Her patience was wearing thin, and she wondered what was taking so long. Frustrated by lack of action, the pressure of being confined began building up inside her like a pressure cooker. Pacing the infirmary floor, she waited for someone…anyone to tell her what was happening. Fear and shock compounded with lack of sleep made her feel agitated and paranoid. She felt as if the nurses were deliberately holding back information from her. It had been nearly 35 minutes since he'd been wheeled into the operating theatre, and they still hadn't told her how he was. Why would they refuse to tell her? She didn't understand. Didn't they know how important it was for her to know that he was okay? Unless…
The thought stopped her in her tracks - fear paralysed her momentarily. That couldn't be it. They would've said something…wouldn't they? Maybe it was more than that; maybe they blamed her for the shooting? Maybe that was the reason for Daniel, Teal'c and General Hammond had for staying away all this time?
Irrational thoughts assaulted her fragile mind. Days of living on pure adrenaline began catching up with her, and she couldn't think clearly anymore. Only one thing was a certainty. She couldn't stay here anymore she had to find out for herself.
Before she had the opportunity though, she watched Daniel and Teal'c come through the doorway.
Something was wrong.
Apprehension filled the infirmary.
"Sam." His voice was soft and non-threatening, his heart ached and seeing her like this.
Backing away from she shook her head vigorously. "No."
"Sam, please. We just want to talk to you." Daniel pleaded walking closer. Concern fell over his young face, he'd never seen her like this, and it scared him. He couldn't bear the thought that he may lose both his friends in one day. It seemed incomprehensible. "Sam, we know you're upset, and tired, but we need you to listen."
Instead of retreating further, Sam stopped and listened to him, for the first time. With her voice barely above a whisper, she whimpered. "He's dead isn't he?"
"No, no, no, Sam. The nurse was worried about you and asked us to come and speak to you. He's okay Sam. Janet will be out shortly and you can ask her for yourself."
"Really?" Sam asked with uncertainty.
"Have I ever lied to you?" Daniel replied softly pulling her into him.
Hesitating for a brief moment, she gradually allowed him to hold her. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she let her head rest gently against his shoulder. She felt his hand move to her back where he made soft circling motions in an effort to provide comfort. It had been a long time since she'd felt so safe. "I was so worried, Daniel. One minute we were arguing the next minute he was lying in my arms, bleeding. I thought he was going to die." Sam choked.
"I know, I know." Daniel crooned in her ear. "Everything's going to be okay, Sam. I promise."
"I'm so tired Daniel. Everything's spiralling out of control, and I can't stop it. I just want everything to be as it was." Sam answered softly, pouring her heart out to him. Between her injury and the days' events, her head felt as if it were wrapped in cotton wool, she had no energy left in her to fight anymore.
Unknown to Sam, the nurse crept round the side of her and injected her with a light sedative. Daniel half carrying her led her to the nearest bed and laid her down.
"What was that?" Sam asked slightly dazed, the medication appearing to have taken effect.
"It's just to help you rest."
"No, I need to stay awake…the Colonel…I need to tell him…" Her eyes began closing. The effects of the sedative were working its way through her veins and her vision clouded. She tried to protest, but her strength was fading.
"You're exhausted, Sam. You need to rest. Jack's going to be okay, it's you we need to take care of now." Daniel advised brushing her hair back off her forehead.
"Teal'c." Her eyes searched for him through blurred vision.
"I am here." He advised gently nearing her side.
"Make sure that Pete…wants to…the Colonel…hurt him. Don't let me…sleep. Stop him…"
Daniel and Teal'c looked at each other quizzically they could barely hear her, let alone comprehend what she was saying. Hearing only snippets of what she was saying, Teal'c advised. "You must rest." Watching her eyes close once more he finished. "I will not leave you, my friend."
With Sam finally asleep, this allowed the nursing staff to assess her injuries. Teal'c and Daniel stepped out into the hall out of earshot to an awaiting General Hammond.
"How is she?"
"Calmer. They've given her something to help her sleep. She's exhausted."
"Did you find out anything?"
"Not really, just a lot of jumbled words as she was drifting off. She mentioned something about Pete Shanahan, and someone getting hurt. Nothing made sense though. It was if she seemed frightened to go to sleep."
Hammond nodded in understanding; he knew something was wrong when she'd tendered her resignation. He didn't believe for one minute that this was primarily due to the Colonel's dealing with her. They'd weathered stormier times before and had gotten through, but this time it had been different. For one reason or another they had lost the ability to communicate with each other, and as far as he was concerned, this was far more serious than anything else. Once you lost the respect for the person that you worked with, it was very difficult to get it back, and ultimately he believed that this is what had happened. Somewhere along the line they had both lost their way. Now though a common goal had been placed in their paths… to see each other through this. They now had no alternative, but to talk to each other. He was saddened at the thought that it had taken something like this to make them realise.
"I'll go check in on her first, and then speak to Doctor Frasier as soon as she comes out of surgery. Hopefully when the Colonel wakes we'll have some more answers, but until then gentlemen… I'm afraid it's a waiting game."
Sitting by her side, they waited patiently for Jack to return to the infirmary. Sam's injuries had been attended to and she was sleeping peacefully for now. Neither Daniel nor Teal'c expected it to last though. When Sam was determined to do something, there was usually very little that could be done to stop her.
Brushing back her hair, Daniel sighed softly, whispering, "Oh Sam, what are we going to do with you? You think you have to do everything on your own don't you?" He knew it was a futile gesture asking her questions, but maybe somewhere in her subconscious she could hear him.
Hearing the small pitter-pattering of steps nearby, Daniel and Teal'c looked up simultaneously to see the diminutive Doctor watching by the doorway.
Leaving Sam alone momentarily they walked casually up to her.
"How is he?"
"He's going to be fine, the bullet passed through his shoulder. Thankfully though it didn't hit any vital organs, so with any look he'll be up and about within a few days rest. He lost a lot of blood though, so we're keeping a careful eye on him for now. Barring any complications he should be back to normal very shortly. How's Sam been doing? I heard from the nursing staff that there were a few problems."
Daniel brushed his fingers through his hair, stealing a peek at his friend. "Yeah, there were. She's been sleeping for a while now. I've never seen her like this before Janet."
"I have." The doctor advised sadly
Pulling one of his quizzical faces, Daniel asked, "When?"
"When it was believed you had died, and SG-1 had returned from the planet without you." It was a difficult memory for her. At the time neither of them knew that he was still alive. But Sam…she was a mess. She could count on one hand the number of times she had seen her friend fall to pieces in the seven years that they had been working together, but nevermore so than when the Colonel was injured or missing. Those memories would stay forever in the forefront of her mind. While she had no intention of sharing them with anyone, she knew that when it came to the Colonel, Sam's feelings tended to get the better of her. A special bond between them would never be broken, no matter how many bad words had been spoken between them.
"Oh."
Teal'c also recalled memories of his friend, particularly when it was believed that they'd never see Colonel Jack O'Neill again. But it was rare that she would share her thoughts and feelings with her friends. He knew, because he understood their dilemmas. Borne of the military, they would serve God and country before they would let their relationship interfere, even if it meant sacrificing their happiness.
When he'd cradled her that time in the locker room, she had initially chased him away, but they were friends, and he could not leave her alone. He understood loss more than others, and was glad that he could at least provide some comfort in her time of need.
"It's not a side that Sam likes to portray." Janet answered on her friends' behalf.
"Don't I know it." Daniel answered flatly. "What is it with military people and hiding their feelings all the time?"
"Because Daniel Jackson, you cannot allow your enemies to see that side of your psyche. It shows weakness, something that would not be conducive to a formidable warrior." Teal'c interjected, knowing how hard it was for his fallen comrades.
"But that's just it Teal'c we're not their enemies. We're their friends, and Jack's just as bad as Sam for hiding things. I've never understood it."
"Daniel Jackson, you look upon the universe with the innocence of a child. It is a very rare gift and something that should be cherished. You are open and honest and your trust is un-yielding, something which is a remarkable trait for a human. But, for a warrior to portray these attributes, it could result in disastrous consequences."
"Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though…does it." Janet remarked
"Indeed. Yet it has to be this way."
Daniel shook his head; he'd never understand it, never in a million years. He knew his friends were hurting and the only way he knew to resolve the situation was for them to talk openly about how they felt. Changing the subject he asked, "When are they bringing Jack down here?"
"Soon. He needs to stay in recovery for a little while, but I'll make sure that he's here before she wakes up."
"Why Doctor Frasier, do you have something planned for them?" Daniel asked slightly surprised that Janet had cottoned on to the situation.
"I don't know what you mean Doctor Jackson." Janet answered smiling contentedly. She had not betrayed her confidence to her friend; she was just giving her a nudge in the right direction.
Walking towards her she checked over her vitals. Everything seemed to be stable, and Sam looked at peace for the first time in a long while. She couldn't resist brushing her hair back against her forehead. It was a mother thing that she did with Cassie when she was ill. And while she knew Sam wouldn't be aware of that simple gesture, it brought comfort to her, reminding her that she was going to be okay, particularly if she had her way.
"Owwwww!"
"He's awake." Daniel declared softly sitting in-between his friends. Turning his head he asked with concern. "How do you feel?"
"Like I've been shot." Jack grimaced trying to move his shoulder. His head still felt as if someone was standing over his brain with a sledgehammer. Struggling to remember where he was and how he'd gotten here, he asked, "What the hell happened?"
"Someone took a shot at you."
"Really, I never would have guessed." Jack answered slightly annoyed. Gradually his clouded brain started slipping back into focus, snippets of memory began coming back to him. There had been a lot of shouting…and anger…Sam! It all came flooding back like a Tsunami. "Where's Sam?" Panic stricken he tried sitting up to see where she was. Struggling to disentangle the electrodes from chest, his shoulder felt as if it was on fire, but he had to know that she was all right.
"Jack, relax, she's okay. Look." Daniel advised pointing to the prone figure in the next bed.
"Is she hurt?" Jack asked trying to ignore the incessant pain.
"The bullet went through you and caught her slightly, but she's okay. The Doc gave her something to help her sleep, that's all."
"Why?"
"Why? Well, because she's the doc, and that's what she does. She…um… puts people to sleep."
"Daniel, she's not a veterinarian f'cryin out loud. Now stop stalling and tell me what's going on."
"Jack." It was more of a plea that he shouldn't ask any more questions than anything else. It wasn't his place to tell him. It would be like breaking a confidence. And if he did that, he'd never forgive himself… or worse, Sam would never forgive him.
"Daniel. I'm hurt and I'm at the tender mercies of the doc, and you know how I get. So either tell me now, or so help me, I'll make sure that Sam and I are not the only ones who will need the doc's attention."
Looking at him sceptically, Daniel didn't believe he could swat a fly at the moment let alone take a swing at him. "I'll go get the Doc. Teal'c you might need to baby-sit him till I get back." Daniel said without giving it a second thought then went to find Janet.
"Indeed." Teal'c replied stoically.
"Thanks." Jack responded dryly, he was in no mood to be baby-sat. "And there was I thinking you were my friend."
"I am O'Neill, which is why I am here with you both."
Jack mumbled an incoherent response, he knew his friend was looking out for their welfare, but he just wished someone would tell him 'something'. He couldn't understand what all the cloak and dagger stuff was all about. All he remembered was that they'd had an argument…feeling a sharp pain, then lying in her arms. Now, to wake up and find her lying in the cot next to him had his stomach doing flip-flops.
Before he had the opportunity to ask Teal'c anything else, Janet walked in with clipboard in hand. "How are you feeling?"
"What's wrong with Carter?" Jack asked first off, he could care less about his own condition.
Daniel sighed inwardly noting that jack was now calling her 'Carter' and not Sam as he'd done previously. Shaking his head he wondered if he'd even realised that the only times he ever called her by her first name was when he was worried for her, or when she was hurt. Now though surrounded by people, he'd obviously decided to bury his feelings once more.
"She'll be fine Colonel. Sam got hurt as the bullet passed through you, but we've cleaned and dressed the wound, and she should be up and about shortly."
Mulling what she said around in his head, sure he knew that was plausible. But, there was something else she wasn't telling him, and he was going to call her on it.
"Well, why is she sleeping now? Is there something you're not telling me?"
"I wanted her to get some rest. SO I gave her something to help her sleep, that's all. You have a suspicious mind, Colonel." Janet tiptoed around his implications. "Now, Colonel, I want you to get some rest to, so I'm going to give you a sedative as well."
"No thanks Doc. I'd rather stay awake if you don't mind." He wanted to be awake when she woke up; he needed to explain to her that he didn't mean what he said.
"Unless you've obtained your doctorate recently, then I believe that I am more than qualified to judge what my patients require. And, in medical matters Colonel, I outrank you." Janet finished smugly, injecting the sedative into his IV.
Within a few seconds, Jack felt everything around him bend in the middle. Their voices sounded decidedly far away, and before he had the chance to protest further he drifted off to sleep.
"He should sleep for a few hours at least."
"That was sneaky, Janet."
"Thank you. I learned everything I know from Colonel O'Neill." Janet advised. Checking over her friend once more, she was content that Sam was okay before returning to her office. Hopefully keeping them in the same room would result in some communicating… if nothing else. They needed to talk, and all she was doing, was giving them the opportunity.
Confused and disoriented, she opened her eyes. I'm in the infirmary! Apart from feeling slightly sore and groggy from the after effects of the sedative, she felt calmer and more in control of her feelings. Sitting up she turned to see him lying beside her in the next bed. Dangling her feet over the edge of the bed she looked longingly at him. He looked so peaceful when he slept. There were no traces of anger or strain on his face, something that had been apparent over the last few weeks. He looked at ease for the first time in a long while. Steadying herself first, she then slipped herself off the bed.
Janet heard the gentle patter of footsteps against the cold stone floor and went out to check if everything was all right. Seeing her friend at the end of the Colonel's bed, she slipped her head around the door whispering to her, "You okay?"
Sam nodded softly, her teeth chewing on her bottom lip before she took a deep breath. "Just give me a few minutes, okay?"
"Shout if you need me."
"I will."
Acknowledging her friends need for privacy, she closed the door behind her. It was early in the morning, and it was unlikely there'd be any interruptions. She'd already briefed the General on what had taken place, minus one or two things that would remain confidential. Daniel and Teal'c would no doubt be around later, and she had a tonne of paperwork to catch up on before she could get some well-deserved rest. It had been a long day for all of them, but unfortunately the day wasn't over yet…and the shooter was still at large.
Pulling up a chair beside him, she sat down quietly so not to disturb him.
Sitting beside him like this, she found herself lost for words. For the first time in her life, she couldn't think of what to say or even if she should say it. For the last seven years they had worked together side by side, being there for each other, relying on one another. Over time their relationship had become so much more than camaraderie, moving beyond the bounds of friendship. She'd harboured feelings for him for a long time; it was if their souls were meant to be together. But that was then.
Lost
Alone
Frightened
She couldn't believe that such a simple mistake would have such far-reaching consequences. All she'd wanted was a 'normal' relationship. Was that so awful? Instinctively she knew that it was, particularly when she was in love with someone else. Fate had obviously decreed that she couldn't have both. Why did life have to be so cruel?
Watching him sleep, she noticed how serene he looked. There were times over the last few weeks when she had wanted to tell him what was going on, but her fear of looking like some damsel in distress, had ensured that silence had to be maintained. She didn't want him to think that he couldn't trust her with his life as he'd done in the past. But, by a cruel twist of fate, that's exactly what happened. Instead of sharing her life with her friends, she'd shut them out. With everything that was going on with her personal life she had let things slide at work, and all because her efforts were put in pretending that everything was okay, when it wasn't. And now it was too late to turn back the hands of time.
His hand lay listlessly by his side. Unconsciously he could feel the presence of someone near by, but his conscious mind was struggling to find a way out of this drug filled haze. Somewhere between dream state and reality, he felt someone holding his hand.
Slipping her hand into his, she caressed the side of his thumb. Feeling the soft flow of tears fall down her cheek, she realised that if she stayed, and he could end up getting hurt again… or worse. And she wasn't prepared to take the risk.
It was time to say goodbye.
Droplets of tears connected with his skin and he felt himself rushing back towards reality.
He could hear a women's voice, whispering softly to him…Sam! All his sense returned at once, and he could feel her hand slipping out of his.
"Goodbye…Jack."
He couldn't let her go.
Opening his eyes, he saw her leaning over him whispering 'Goodbye'. He had to stop her before it was too late.
"Sam." He croaked, tightening his hand on hers. "Don't leave."
Bringing her hand to her forehead, she closed her eyes in desperation. The tears fell precariously down her cheeks. Sadness filled her soul. Why did he have to wake up now?
"I have to." Sam replied sadly
"Why?" He didn't understand. "Please Sam, you can't go like this."
"It's better this way…for all of us."
"Stop shutting me out." Jack argued, his strength returning.
Raising her voice slightly she replied, "I'm not…" That wasn't true, she was, but it was only to protect them and her from getting hurt further. "What's the point? We just end up arguing."
"What do you expect, Sam?" Jack answered trying to sit up without losing the grip on her hand. "You think you can just hand in your resignation, and we wouldn't give a damn? Is that what you think? Don't you think I have a right to be angry when you don't tell me what's going on?"
"You don't understand!"
"F'crying out loud, Carter, I'm not a mind reader."
Janet heard the raised voices, and went to the Perspex window to make sure that they were okay. She didn't want to interrupt unless she absolutely had to. Seeing that neither one of them was in any danger, she decided she would just hold out for a little while longer.
"You hurt me. And nothing you say can change that, so what's the point?"
"Whoa whoa whoa." Jack answered his thoughts coming to a complete stop. Daniel had said the same thing to him. Trouble was he didn't know what he'd said that would upset her this much. "I don't understand? What could I have possible said that would make you want to leave?"
Pent up anger and hurt threatened to bubble over. "You don't trust me anymore!"
"What are you talking about?"
" In the gate room a few days ago, when you ordered me to the infirmary." She couldn't believe that he didn't remember.
"Oh." The conversation with her came flooding back.
"What's the point of me staying if you can't trust me?"
"Sam…I didn't mean… I didn't trust you. I was angry and worried. You weren't telling us what was going on in that head of yours. It was like you could care less about your job…or us, you were argumentative all the time. I needed to rely on you, and you weren't there. Trust is a two way street, Sam."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean you talk about me not trusting you, but you're doing the exact same thing."
"That's different."
"Why?"
"Because it is." Sam replied pulling away from him. "I need to sort this out myself."
"But that's just it, Sam. You're not. You're running away."
"I'm not running away."
"Oh no? Then what would you call it?"
Silence filled the room.
He was right.
She wasn't solving her problems by leaving the SGC shewas running away from them. She had thought that he'd lost his trust in her, but what she hadn't realised was she was doing the exact same thing…not trusting her friends.
Taking a leap of faith he asked tiredly. "Does this have something to do with Pete?"
Nodding she sat back down on the chair, her energy depleted.
"Does he want you to leave the SGC?"
"He did."
"Why? I mean it wasn't as if it was a secret?"
"Because of you…"
"Me?"
"He was jealous of what we had. I told him everything about Daniel, Teal'c and us…"
"Everything?"
"Well…not everything." Sam answered shyly unable to look at him. "We have something special, you, me, Daniel and Teal'c. We're like family. He was jealous that he couldn't be a part of that aspect of my life."
Jack felt a sense of foreboding in the pit of his stomach as he began realising where this was headed. But, he also knew that she had to tell him in her own time, without him interrupting every few minutes. So, he waited until she was ready to continue.
"Anyway, it wasn't too bad in the beginning, but then…" She felt her hands tremble in her lap, and her voice was shaking with having to relive the memory.
Reaching out to her, he grabbed her hand ignoring the pain in his shoulder, giving her the strength to carry on.
A thankful smile played on her lips, and she took a deep breath before continuing. "Things became steadily worse after the attack on the Alpha base. Pete couldn't understand why I needed to spend so much time here. And because I wasn't allowed to tell him, he thought there was something else going on."
"With…us?" Jack asked hesitantly
Sam nodded nervously, and tried to make things sound casual even though her stomach was doing flip-flops. "I told him that there could never be anything between us…not while we were in the same chain of command."
Jack shifted uncomfortably in his bed; he didn't know why he was nervous when she spoke about this…maybe it was a guilty conscience. "So what did he say?"
"He said, just because we couldn't… do anything, it didn't mean that the…um… feelings weren't there."
"Oh."
"He didn't believe me, and we had a big argument about it. That's when I told him it was over."
"I gather he didn't take it very well."
"No." Sam answered shaking her head.
An uncomfortable silence settled in between them, Sam didn't seem to want to offer up any more information, but Jack knew that she had to.
Trying to contain his rage, he had to know for certain. "And he hit you."
Sam's eyes flew up to meet his. She could see the anger burning deep in his eyes. His face was trying to remain calm on the surface, but his eyes said it all. "Yes."
The heart monitor betrayed his inner emotions, and began steadily increasing. Sam wondered if she should carry on.
In her office Janet checked the monitors and noted a rise in pulse and blood pressure in the Colonel, and decided she needed to check that he was okay. Whatever they were discussing, and she had a good idea what, it was obviously causing him some distress…not conducive to a healing patient.
Janet's light footsteps echoed in the quietness of the room, and on hearing them, Sam turned round to see who it was. Her normally clear blue eyes were now tired and bloodshot as her eyes met the doctors.
"Everything okay?" Janet queried, manually checking his pulse, before checking the monitors.
"It will be." Jack answered quietly.
After seeing that everything was okay, Janet finished, "Well, you know where I am if you need me."
"Thanks Janet." Sam replied on their behalf.
Giving her friend a quick rub on the shoulder, she returned to her office.
Lapsing back into silence he tried to gauge her reaction, he wanted her to know that she could trust him. "Is this why you didn't want me to know?"
"Partly. I didn't want you to think that I couldn't cope. I thought that you wouldn't be able to trust me in watching your six. That every time we went off world, you'd hesitate in trusting the decisions I made…which is what happened."
"Because he beat you up, you thought I wouldn't trust you?"
"Honestly?" Sam waited for him to give the nod to carry one. "I thought that you would think less of me for allowing myself to be treated that way."
"Why would you think that?"
"I don't know." Hesitating for a minute, she knew inwardly that, that was what she believed… because that was how she felt. But, she couldn't bring herself to say that to him. Right now she couldn't even meet his eyes…she felt so ashamed.
"Sam. Look at me." Jack coaxed her, he could see she was torturing herself, but he didn't understand why. How could he think less of her when they'd gone through so much together? "You didn't allow him to do anything. He was in the wrong…not you. Your only mistake was letting things go on for so long without telling anyone." Jack barked, his temper getting the better of him.
"But that's just it. I had to stand up to him…not you, Teal'c, Daniel or Janet. Me! I had to prove to myself that I could do this on my own…and I did. But then things got out of control."
"What do you mean?"
"After he… knocked me down…" Sam started cautiously waiting for his reaction. Thankfully he had reined his temper, and the only outward sign he was manifesting was gripping the bed spread. "I made sure he'd never hurt me again."
"What did you do?"
"I kicked his ass." Sam answered confidently, for the first time in a long while.
"You did?" Jack questioned.
"Did you think I wouldn't?"
"Honestly? I didn't know. It's one thing fighting off Goa'uld, but another defending yourself against an abusive boyfriend. It's not the same, Sam. Don't forget I've known you for a long time. I know how your mind works…for most of the time. Sometimes…and don't take this the wrong way, you back off. I don't mean when you're off world, that Sam Carter is a mean lean fighting machine. But, when you're faced with adversary here…you do sometimes back down."
Initially Sam was hurt by his statement, but recalling various times she had had to stand up for herself here, she had to concede…he was right.
"It's a confidence thing I think. You just have to be more assertive and have more confidence in your own abilities…as much as we do. Stand up for yourself a bit more." Jack continued hesitantly.
"Which is what I tried to do, and look where it got me. We fall out and you end up getting shot."
"That's not your fault, Sam. Unless you shot me?" Jack retorted pretending to back away in an effort to at least get her to smile.
Despite of the seriousness of the situation, she smiled lightly. "No, but I have a good idea who it was."
"Pit?"
"Pit? Is that your name for him? How come I've never heard you use that name before?" Sam laughed softly, it felt good to talk to him like this, it was as if things were getting back to normal.
"Well, I didn't want you to hear me say it. You were dating him f'crying out loud."
"You never liked him, did you?"
"No I didn't, not after what he did."
"What are you talking about?"
"I thought you knew?"
"Knew what?"
"He did a background check on you..."
"That scheming little…" Sam remarked sternly. Instead of letting it out, she held back.
"Let it out, Carter." Jack advised her. It was nice to see the old Carter back… he'd missed her.
"…Shit!"
"Feel better?"
"When I get my hands on him I will…" Not wanting to cause another argument, she wanted to know why he hadn't told her. "How…when…why didn't you tell me?"
"Lets just say I have contacts to. As for why…I didn't want to sound like I was…" He wanted to say jealous, but instead he finished. "…Interfering. I'm sorry, I should've told you, maybe I could've stopped this whole thing from happening."
"I doubt it. I have a knack for choosing the wrong men." Sam replied sadly.
What could he say to that? He didn't want to sound as if he was happy she had split up with Pete, but ultimately he was glad in a way. He wanted her to be happy, and if that meant finding Mr Right, then he would support her. He just wished that they could give it a go.
"So what now?"
"I don't know."
"You can't go home, Sam. Stay here on the base."
"Jack." She surprised herself by the way his name fell so easily from his lips, but ultimately she thought, why not? It wasn't as if he was in her chain of command anymore.
"You know I think that's only the second time I've heard you say that since we've worked together."
"Somehow I don't think the first one counts, do you?" Sam joked remembering when she'd returned from the Prometheus after sustaining a severe concussion. "I appreciate the offer, but… I've resigned. My place isn't here anymore."
"I thought that maybe because we worked some things out, you'd take back your resignation."
"It's not that simple…"
"I don't think the General has forwarded your resignation yet, you could…"
"No. There's too much that's happened recently. I'm not sure I want to be in the Air Force anymore…its too hard. Don't get me wrong I love the job, and I'll be sorry to leave all this behind, but…" She didn't know where her strength was coming from. It was as if the weight had been lifted from her shoulders since she'd confided in him. How wrong she'd been in not telling him earlier. But, she didn't want to go back to being just his 2IC, she wanted…needed more, but while they were both in the same chain of command, she'd be forever wondering what it would be like. No, this was the right decision, she was certain.
Confused and tired, he couldn't think anymore. His shoulder hurt, and he could feel his eyes closing. "What about Pete? What if he's waiting for you?"
"Then I'll be ready." Sam answered with complete determination. "I misread him once. I won't make the same mistake again."
"I don't want you to face this on your own, Sam. Go to the police, tell them…or take Teal'c and Daniel with you. I don't want you placing yourself in danger. "
"I won't, but I won't run from him either. I've done more than enough of that lately, and… it's time to take back control of my life."
"Sam…"
"I'll be okay, but you need to get some rest. Janet is going to have my hide for keeping you awake this long."
"I'm not tired."
Sam smiled at his attempts to keep him awake, but she knew their emotions had run the gauntlet. He was tired and injured, and needed to regain some of his strength back. And now that she'd had told him everything, and realised that he was going to be okay and out of harms way for a little while, she felt much calmer in herself. The thought of nearly losing him had brought her to the edge and back. It was only now she was realising how much he meant to her.
As for Pete, he had no idea who he was dealing with. She'd needed a kick up the butt to bring a few things into perspective, and she'd certainly got that. Now though, she was going to make sure he got what was coming to him, and nothing was going to stand in her way.
"Sleep today, worry tomorrow." Sam told him softly.
"At least take Teal'c with you."
"No, Jack. I'm a big girl…remember, kick ass Carter? Well she's back. Now go to sleep."
"Yes Ma'am." He saluted, then regretted it as soon as he'd done it, when his shoulder protested at the effort being exerted on it. He was more than worried for her, and like it or not, a shoulder wound wasn't going to stand in the way of helping her…not if he had his way. Watching her walk away, he had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. If Pete was capable of this, then he was capable of much more…and that worried him.
End of Chapter 6.
Okay guys go pee, then give it to me straight, the good the bad and the ugly. What did you think?