Here is part 2. It picks up shortly after part 1 leaves off. I still
think it is maybe pg to PG-13, but not sure.
Chapter 7 Epidemic & The Conversation Part 2
If anything, my relationship with Bill keeps getting more confusing. Over the next few days Bill and I develop a new habit. He occasionally meets up with me seemingly by accident in the corridors near the Life Station. We then end up going to his quarters and after some food, fall asleep together. I have even started to keep some spare clothes and toiletries there. Is this progress? I'm not sure. He has made no other moves. I won't deny that it feels great to lie beside him in the few hours we are allowing ourselves to rest. Although he's always careful when I'm in his bed, I can feel his response to my presence. What in the names of all the Lords of Kobol are we doing?
It is near the end of the third week of this epidemic. The medication from the Dell has worked to slowed the progression of the disease. We have only lost another thirty people total since we began using it. It's not a cure but it's way better than what we had. Most of the patients are here in the isolation ward on Galactica. I know the labs on the Dell are working over-time to solve this. They have already determined that this is a virus normally seen in rodents. Because of the overcrowding, and questionable sanitation practices on Intersun, the virus has managed to mutate so it can infect human hosts. As best we can determine, it spreads from human to human via an airborne route.
Not a bad job. That is a lot of information for Dan's team to have acquired in a very short time period. Now we need a cure.
I think it is evening shift. My days and nights are getting mixed up with all the extra shifts I pull. Bill and I are in his quarters. Bill gives me a quick hug and pushes me to the small private bathroom. "You first, I have a few things to discuss on the com with CIC."
I enter the small area, change into a sleep top and pants and brush my teeth and hair and wash my face. When I return to the main room the lights are turned way down and he is off the com but still sitting at his desk. He looks deep in thought and worried. I walk over to him. I have an overwhelming urge to touch him, to touch someone warm, healthy, and alive. I come up behind him and wrap my arms around his shoulders giving him a light kiss to his ear with a whispered, "Bathroom's free." I don't know what's gotten into me tonight. I've never been this forward (except for my birthday) with him. His head jerks away from me. He abruptly stands up and moves away, turning toward me. His face is a mask not giving away any of what he is thinking.
"Look, Kylen, now is not the time. We've already discussed this. Let's just be us? Nothing has changed."
If he slapped me I could not be more astonished. What the hell? Why is this not the time? What brought this on? A kiss to the ear and I get the "US" speech. I must look as confused as I feel, because he walks up to me, places his hands on my shoulders and then makes me even more confused by hugging me close, kissing the top of my head and saying, "Sorry, I have a lot on my mind, I didn't mean to snap."
I have no idea what just happened. I know I'm tired and probably over- reacting, but this double standard regarding physical contact is driving me crazy. I'm supposed to be able to read his mind and "know" when it's ok to touch him, but he can touch me whenever he wants. I need to get out of here before I start saying things I'll regret later. I back away from Bill saying, "Look we're both under a lot of stress, I'm going to get changed and go back to my own quarters."
He's staring at me. His eyes are trying to tell me something but I can't figure it out. Bill ends up saying, "Kylen, you can stay."
I shake my head as I reply, "No, Bill. I think we both need a little space right now." He doesn't stop me as I enter his bathroom; change into my scrubs and leave.
Back in my quarters, I'm having difficulty getting some much-needed sleep as thoughts are running through my brain. What are you going to do now, Kylen? I'm going to do what I do best. I will deal with this epidemic like the professional I am. Bill is still putting up those "keep off" signs at the oddest times. If he would tell me what he's thinking I may be able to understand, but he is a hard man to get to open up. It seems like he has all the control here and I am waiting for a handout. When this epidemic is over, I am resigning my commission. There, problem solved.
The next few days are tense as another new drug, an antibody developed against the virus, is tried on the sickest patients. So far they are stable and not deteriorating; some even show signs of improvement. It is too early to see a response. The next forty-eight hours will tell if this antibody is the answer we are looking for. I know that although I have tried to keep up my usual cheerful appearance, my staff has picked up something is wrong. I have been getting looks these last few days. Cassie even asked me if the Commander was going to be around to which I said, "There is a lot to do in CIC with a quarter of the crew ill. I doubt we'll be seeing him here until the crisis is over."
It has been five weeks since the start of the epidemic. I walk into the officers' mess looking for a cup of that synthetic dishwater known as "coffee". I spy a familiar figure at a corner table. Lt Thrace, "Starbuck" is still in her flight suit, her hair is slightly matted and mussed. She looks tired. After I get my cup of (dare I say it?) "coffee" I walk over to her and say, "Starbuck, you look like you've been doing a lot of viper flying.
She looks up at me and smiles saying, "Dr. Salik, you look like you've been doing a lot of doctor stuff. Have a seat."
I look at her and ask, "How's Lee doing? I haven't seen any of you in a while. Given all our schedules, I'm not surprised."
A funny look crosses her face and then she replies, "Lee is fine, of course his work has tripled since so many pilots are sick. How are the patients? I heard you guys were trying a new medication. Is it working?"
I am happy to give some good news for a change. "It's working. All the patients are showing dramatic improvement. We have fifty out of stasis, and upgraded seventy from critical to stable. The doctors on the Dell are working on a vaccination right now. Hopefully in a few weeks everyone should be back at stations."
She leans forward in her chair and stares at me while keeping her voice low. "How are you doing, Kylen? Don't try telling me you're fine. I have it on good authority that you and the Commander had a disagreement."
Now I'm interested. I stare at her intently and ask, "Do I want to guess who you heard that from?"
"From Lee. He and the Commander had an interesting conversation the other day. The Commander feels you've been avoiding him. He's not sure what upset you. Lee thought his dad was trying to pump him for information because he knows you and I talk."
I sigh. "Kara, I appreciate your interest but I am really not in the mood to explain my actions."
"It may help to talk. It helped me with Lee. You give good advice, it's about time you listen to yourself and maybe talk about what's bothering you and the Commander."
I sit for a minute thinking. She has a point. I sigh again and begin. "This is between you and me. It goes nowhere. If any of what I am about to say becomes public knowledge, you can kiss your career as a viper pilot good-bye." She nods and I continue, "I've told you that so far the Commander has been setting the pace, he's the one in control of where this relationship is, or rather was going. I was ok with that in the beginning, but it's not ok now. I mean things are fine when he wants to hug me, but I have to guess if it's ok to touch him. I don't like guessing games and I definitely don't like having no control whatsoever in a relationship I have a vested interest in. Starbuck, the other night he made it plain to me that he wants US to be just friends. He may have later regretted what he said but it was real and spontaneous, and I have to think a sign of what he really wants. He means a lot to me, and I've started to want a lot from him. I can't be his friend anymore, Kara. Ahh frak. I've gone and fallen in love with him." I just sit there. Lords, Kylen, you sound pathetic. Like one of those trashy romance heroines.
Starbuck interrupts my thoughts. "Kylen let me just say something here. Try to keep an open mind ok?" I nod and she continues on, "You know Lee and his father have been getting along better. They talk more. Well, Lee talks to me. I think the Commander is a little afraid about getting involved with you for a few reasons. One is the age difference; I mean you are younger than him. He may not show it but I think he may feel "inadequate". Another problem from what Lee has hinted at, and Lee can be as hard to read as his father, the Commander has a history of one failed marriage. Lee didn't help things much, when he first came on Galactica and pretty much told the Commander he was a failure as a father and husband. I think even though the split between them is better, you have to wonder if he feels he's really not good relationship material. It's been a long time since he was involved with any woman. Why not give him another chance?"
She has such an earnest look on her face, I want to say yes, instead I reply, "So why doesn't he talk to me about these things? I could care less about his age. I'm not even asking for marriage. Kara, I believe two people who really care about each other share things, good things, bad things, anythings. I won't live like his ex-wife, guessing at what he's thinking. His actions say one thing, his words another, occasionally both actions and words say the same thing but that's rare. I've been in a few screwed up relationships and I can tell you no matter how many band-aids you use they don't hold together. I need more from him and he has to want to give it, otherwise it won't work."
She is looking at me with sad green eyes. I have nothing else to say. "Thanks for the ear and the insight. You know, Kara, sometimes as a doctor you reach a point where nothing you do will change the outcome, and only prolongs the patient's suffering. When that time comes it's better to keep the patient comfortable and let them go in peace. Maybe it's time to let this relationship go. You take care. If you get yourself over to the Lenna Dell, look me up."
Before she can try to stop me, I finish my "coffee" and sigh. "Please excuse me, Starbuck, I have a letter to write." I get up from my chair and leave the officers' mess.
I walk to my quarters and close the hatch. It has been a long few weeks and an even longer last few days since my argument with the Commander. My bunk is looking awfully good right now, and I go to sit down. For a while there it looked bad, with about a quarter of the Galactica's crew affected as well as an eighth of the civilian fleet. Dan and his crew deserve a medal for this. I wonder if he would like the job of Fleet General Surgeon, or maybe he can be Galactica's new CMO.
I have not seen Bill since that time in his quarters, several days ago. Not entirely his fault. I have been avoiding him. I feel like he rejected me and it hurts. I admit I was acting out of character, and it was not the best timing wise, but it was just a hug and a little kiss. Not like I jumped him in bed and demanded sex. It would probably be easier if all I wanted from Bill was sex, instead I have to go and want love from him. He pulled back, and if that isn't his statement of where he wants US to go then I'm not a doctor.
He has come around the Life Station since then, but I have not been there, on purpose. I have not gone to ferret him out in CIC. He has been busy with keeping the Galactica running on minimal crew. I have been working in the Life Station or the Isolation Ward. Maybe he cannot be anything other than what he is, the Commander of Galactica. Maybe he has given me all he can. Too bad his friendship is not enough for me. The conversation with Starbuck was interesting, but if Bill had any questions on where he stands with me he should ask. I am not even going to think about marriage.
Ahh Kylen, you always did have a bad track record with men. What made you think this was going to be any different? You always were a little too driven, a little too odd, a little too independent, a little too good at what you do, and now too needy. That's a first for me. Usually guys complain that I don't need them enough, I put my work first, yadda, yadda. Now when I find a man that I need, he doesn't need me. Who would have guessed that someday I would be the needy one? I would kill for a cup of real coffee right now, anything to cheer me up.
I truly had never planned on leaving Colonial service. I had had my place at Fleet Hospital and I had loved my job. But Fleet Hospital is gone, and while I still love my job, I will not stay near Bill to keep it. I will not stay in a place where I would see him and have to interact with him almost every day. I open the buttons of my duty top while still sitting up on the side of my bunk. I look down and see my dog tags. I have worn them forever; it will be strange not wearing them.
I get up from my bunk and go to my small desk and sit down to compose my resignation letter.
A little later, there is a knock at my hatch, and I hear Bill's voice, "Doctor, can I come in?" He opens the hatch and stands there before I can even reply.
I put my letter under some sheets of paper and turn to look at him. He is standing on the threshold and looking at me. "Mind if I come in?"
I can count on one hand the times he's been here. I wonder who ratted me out. Would Starbuck be so devious? Is the current "coffee" dishwater with food coloring? I better let him come in and see what he wants. Hopefully I will be able to get him out of here relatively quickly. "Please. What brings you out of CIC? I know you're still on shift." I stand up and move over to my bunk while at the same time waving my hand in the direction of my vacated desk chair, indicating that he should sit there.
To my surprise, he closes the hatch, walks over and sits beside me on the bunk. "Col. Tigh is covering for me. I wanted to see how you're doing. I figured that you would come here after your shift. I hear the patients are doing better." He puts an arm around me. I don't move away, but I don't move closer either.
I am tired and do not want him here right now. I need to get him out of here. After I finish my letter, I will get some sleep. Then I will be ready to deal with Commander William Adama.
I try to keep my voice even as I speak. "Well, as you can see I'm a little tired, nothing a good night's sleep won't cure. Otherwise all ok. All the patients are responding well to the antibody. The guys on the Dell did a great job. They saved us all. You know Dan, Dr. Janner, would make an excellent Fleet Surgeon General." I give him a bright smile and then continue, "I'll have a full report for you tomorrow mid-shift. So instead of trying to get the scoop why don't you wait for the official report and get back to CIC? Let a tired old gal get some beauty sleep."
"Kylen, what's going on? You've been avoiding me." Gee, concern in his voice. I can feel myself getting angry. Where are the Cylons when you really need them? Hell an escaped Dr. Baltar and his invisible friend would do in a pinch.
I give him a small smile and say again, "I've been very busy taking care of the patients. I heard you came by the Life Station, I just couldn't break away. Bill, I really am tired and need some sleep." He shifts closer to me. It feels nice, but I have already begun distancing myself from him since that incident in his quarters. I can no longer sit next to Bill. The feel of his body next to mine is like a tease, something dangled before me that I know I'll never reach.
I stand up and move away from him, aimlessly pacing my quarters, my eyes avoiding his. I don't want to talk about US right now, but he's still sitting on my bunk and not moving. My anger continues to grow. Once again Bill's trying to control the situation. I need to get some sleep then I'll be able to have this conversation. If I start talking now I'll lose it and say things that I will regret. "Look, you came to see how I was. I'm fine. Now you can get back to work."
"What's going on, Kylen?" His eyes follow me. Does he think I am going to go off the deep end like I did that one time long ago? Is he asking because he cares about me, or about his CMO? Do I even care at this point? My patience is wearing thin.
"That's the second time you asked that question. Nothing is going on." I know he hears the frustration and anger in my voice
"I don't believe that." I should have known he would be a hard man to get rid of. He is after all used to getting things his way. Well this is one thing that is going to be done my way.
I spin around to confront him. I'm almost shouting at him. "Ok. Well how about this? I love you, Bill. I know when I first tried to talk about US you implied you didn't feel ready to have a romantic relationship with me. At the time, I was fine with that decision. I'm not fine with it now. Lords know the last time I was in your quarters you made it plain where WE stood. I want - No! I deserve more. I want more than a close friend. I want someone to share my life with. I need someone to be here for me, and who needs me too. I need someone who can hold me close when it gets bad and who wants me to return the favor. I'm tired of your schizophrenia, you say one thing but your actions say something else. I'm not a mind reader. So Bill, do you love me? Am I more than just your friend?"
We are looking at each other. His stare is so intense, but I am not backing down. The silence stretches between us. He says nothing, either unable or unwilling to respond to what I have dropped before him. A minute ago I told him to leave, I bet he wishes he had. I know I'm not being fair by demanding an answer right now. I feel my anger drain away. In its place is peace, it's strange to feel peaceful when I am in the process of turning my whatevership with Bill into a nuclear wasteland.
My voice is strangely calm as I begin again. "Have nothing to say, Bill? That's ok, I understand, I really do." I turn away so he can't see how much his silence, his lack of willingness to commit is hurting me. There is only one thing left to do now. Best make this cut with a scalpel; it usually starts bleeding way before you notice the pain. I continue on in that same calm voice. "Let me make this easy on you. I will be submitting my resignation from Colonial service tomorrow, and will be taking a position on the Lenna Dell. I can't deal with halves anymore. Please leave."
I hear movement behind me and realize he is probably standing. His voice has the tone he uses when he gives an order. "You can't do that."
I turn to face him. "Yes, I can. I put in all my required time years ago, Bill. So unless you are going to ask the president to change the laws to make serving in the fleet a lifelong commitment I can resign, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."
By now we have moved closer to each other and are separated by only a few inches. He has me on height by five inches, but I have been short all my life and it will take a lot more than that to intimidate me. We stare at each other and while I have always been impressed by his "Command Stare", it does not affect me now. I think it surprises him; he has only seen hints of this stubborn person.
"I won't accept it."
"You don't have a choice."
Most times I'm not really aware of his strength because he's always so careful around me. But when he grabs me and pulls me to him, I feel it. I also feel his anger. "I'm not letting you go, Kylen." and then he kisses me.
I expect the kiss to be hard, an expression of his frustration and anger at me. It isn't. Bill is holding me against him with one arm tight around my body and a hand on the back of my neck. I'm pulled up almost onto my toes. He kisses me with an intensity that is frightening, but there is no anger there. His kiss is an exploration. At times deep and all consuming, and other times a mere tracery of my lips. My arms are trapped between my body and his. I can't move. When he finally lifts his head it's only for a moment so we can get a breath. His lips never really leave mine as he says my name, "Kylen."
I'm saying his name when he kisses me again, "Bil..." This one is more intense as his tongue enters my mouth through my parted lips and begins a more thorough exploration. I'm not sure how long it lasts, but it seems over far too soon.
He continues to hold me close. I can feel his rapid heartbeat. His breathing is fast. But then so is mine.
I can only whisper, "Bill, this solves nothi..."
"Shh." A finger is against my lips and he squeezes me hard for a second. Next thing I know I feel him begin to pick me up. "Bill! You're going to fall. Put me down NOW!" I have no idea how he does it but he manages to sit down on the side of my bunk, me in his lap. I look at him warily. His arms are around me keeping me in his lap. I want to move away. I feel too vulnerable sitting here.
He is looking at me, his eyes a dark brown. "Lords, I've wanted to do that for a long time now."
I continue looking at him, "Bill, I don't see how that kiss, nice as it was, changes anything. I love you. You may need me in some way but you don't love me, and I...."
"I never said I didn't love you." What kind of a reverse logic is that? I take a minute to get over my shock at his statement before I reproach him saying, "You never said you did."
"I tell you that every day." His lips are now against my neck. I feel their movement. A small light kiss just below my ear, and I give a slight shudder. He places a small bite in the same place and I again respond to it. His one hand moves to my neck gently holding my head in place while his other arm is wrapped tightly around me.
I need to focus. "Last, ahhh, last I checked, I had perfect hearing and I never heard those words pass your lips." Those lips are tracing the edge of my ear, his breath is against it and I feel myself shifting in his arms unable to control my body's reaction to what he is doing.
"You hear what I'm saying now don't you?" That low voice again causes me to shiver.
"I can't think when you do that, Bill."
"Maybe you should be doing less thinking and just feel." His breath is warm, even hot, and I fail to hold back the moan that leaves my lips as he takes my earlobe in his mouth and gives it a small nip.
He turns my head as his light kisses trail across to my jaw line, to kiss my mouth. My arms finally come up to wrap around his neck. This kiss is not as hard but just as thorough as his last one. He breaks away for a second and as I take a breath he is there again. His tongue is inside my mouth learning it, tasting me, but I am returning the favor, and my tongue explores the unknown territory of his mouth. He tastes of that synthetic dishwater, something spicy, and just him. My right hand threads into the fine hair near his neck. I feel myself twist in his lap trying to move closer to him. My heart is racing.
I have to stop this now. Sex is all fine and good but I want more from Bill. I have to know if he loves me, I need to hear him say those words. I pull back and say, "Bill, please stop."
He is looking at me, waiting for me to continue. "I know what your actions are saying, Bill, but I need more. I need to hear the words. I need to be able to know where we stand with each other."
"I'm not good with words, Kylen." I give him a disbelieving look; I heard that stirring speech after we jumped from Ragnar. "I mean, I am not good saying what I feel. As a Commander, it..."
"It doesn't hold water, Bill; I'm a "commander" too. Yeah we don't go talking to subordinates about the intimate details of our lives; however, being in love with another person means you share. I will not play guessing games. I need for you to tell me how you feel about me."
He is staring at me with his brown eyes. They are saying a lot but I want to hear it. He pulls me close and I hear his whisper against my ear, "I love you, Kylen."
I pull back so I can look him in the eye. "You mean it? Really mean that you love me?"
Bill and I are looking into each other's eyes as he replies, "Yes I mean it."
"Is this just another one of my weird dreams? Or is this real?"
He is starting to look and sound exasperated. "No dream, Kylen. This is real." His eyes narrow suddenly and he gets an intense look on his face. "You've had dreams about me?"
I can't believe I just told him I have dreams about him. That ranks right up there with the bedroom voice comment in the "most stupid things I have ever said" column. I decide to try some evasive action to avoid answering that question. "So what now, Bill? Where do we go from here?"
He shifts to bring us both back into my bunk, so we are eventually lying side-by-side. His arms keep me close and my head is on his shoulder. "We both get some sleep. Then you have dinner with me in my quarters. Bring your toothbrush, pajamas are optional."
I get some leverage so I can look him in the eyes. "Isn't that moving rather fast, Commander?" Ok, I'm being coy, sue me.
The arm holding me close to his body gives me a squeeze as he replies, "You know damn well we've been dating for months. First you throw yourself at me and now you're playing hard to get?"
The man is delusional. I demand, "When did I throw myself at you?"
He is wearing a smug expression when he replies, "Your birthday."
"That was my way of saying thank you for that excellent birthday present."
"I was lucky to still have my tonsils."
"Oh for Lords sake. You didn't even open your mouth. I thought I was kissing a virgin. Besides I didn't hear you complaining."
"Hard to complain when your lips are sealed. By-the-way, how many virgins have you kissed to give such an expert opinion?" I can only stare at the strange man who I am in bed with. He continues on, "Now get some sleep. Maybe you'll have some more of those dreams about me. That's an order. No one should bother us for a while." Smug devious bastard, but sweet.
I really hate to spoil the mood, but I still feel on shaky ground by this turn of events. "We still have a lot of things to discuss, Bill." I get another squeeze and hear him say, "We will, after we get some sleep."
His warmth seeps into my body and I find that I cannot stay awake. I go to sleep with the beat of his heart in my ear.
End (for now)
Chapter 7 Epidemic & The Conversation Part 2
If anything, my relationship with Bill keeps getting more confusing. Over the next few days Bill and I develop a new habit. He occasionally meets up with me seemingly by accident in the corridors near the Life Station. We then end up going to his quarters and after some food, fall asleep together. I have even started to keep some spare clothes and toiletries there. Is this progress? I'm not sure. He has made no other moves. I won't deny that it feels great to lie beside him in the few hours we are allowing ourselves to rest. Although he's always careful when I'm in his bed, I can feel his response to my presence. What in the names of all the Lords of Kobol are we doing?
It is near the end of the third week of this epidemic. The medication from the Dell has worked to slowed the progression of the disease. We have only lost another thirty people total since we began using it. It's not a cure but it's way better than what we had. Most of the patients are here in the isolation ward on Galactica. I know the labs on the Dell are working over-time to solve this. They have already determined that this is a virus normally seen in rodents. Because of the overcrowding, and questionable sanitation practices on Intersun, the virus has managed to mutate so it can infect human hosts. As best we can determine, it spreads from human to human via an airborne route.
Not a bad job. That is a lot of information for Dan's team to have acquired in a very short time period. Now we need a cure.
I think it is evening shift. My days and nights are getting mixed up with all the extra shifts I pull. Bill and I are in his quarters. Bill gives me a quick hug and pushes me to the small private bathroom. "You first, I have a few things to discuss on the com with CIC."
I enter the small area, change into a sleep top and pants and brush my teeth and hair and wash my face. When I return to the main room the lights are turned way down and he is off the com but still sitting at his desk. He looks deep in thought and worried. I walk over to him. I have an overwhelming urge to touch him, to touch someone warm, healthy, and alive. I come up behind him and wrap my arms around his shoulders giving him a light kiss to his ear with a whispered, "Bathroom's free." I don't know what's gotten into me tonight. I've never been this forward (except for my birthday) with him. His head jerks away from me. He abruptly stands up and moves away, turning toward me. His face is a mask not giving away any of what he is thinking.
"Look, Kylen, now is not the time. We've already discussed this. Let's just be us? Nothing has changed."
If he slapped me I could not be more astonished. What the hell? Why is this not the time? What brought this on? A kiss to the ear and I get the "US" speech. I must look as confused as I feel, because he walks up to me, places his hands on my shoulders and then makes me even more confused by hugging me close, kissing the top of my head and saying, "Sorry, I have a lot on my mind, I didn't mean to snap."
I have no idea what just happened. I know I'm tired and probably over- reacting, but this double standard regarding physical contact is driving me crazy. I'm supposed to be able to read his mind and "know" when it's ok to touch him, but he can touch me whenever he wants. I need to get out of here before I start saying things I'll regret later. I back away from Bill saying, "Look we're both under a lot of stress, I'm going to get changed and go back to my own quarters."
He's staring at me. His eyes are trying to tell me something but I can't figure it out. Bill ends up saying, "Kylen, you can stay."
I shake my head as I reply, "No, Bill. I think we both need a little space right now." He doesn't stop me as I enter his bathroom; change into my scrubs and leave.
Back in my quarters, I'm having difficulty getting some much-needed sleep as thoughts are running through my brain. What are you going to do now, Kylen? I'm going to do what I do best. I will deal with this epidemic like the professional I am. Bill is still putting up those "keep off" signs at the oddest times. If he would tell me what he's thinking I may be able to understand, but he is a hard man to get to open up. It seems like he has all the control here and I am waiting for a handout. When this epidemic is over, I am resigning my commission. There, problem solved.
The next few days are tense as another new drug, an antibody developed against the virus, is tried on the sickest patients. So far they are stable and not deteriorating; some even show signs of improvement. It is too early to see a response. The next forty-eight hours will tell if this antibody is the answer we are looking for. I know that although I have tried to keep up my usual cheerful appearance, my staff has picked up something is wrong. I have been getting looks these last few days. Cassie even asked me if the Commander was going to be around to which I said, "There is a lot to do in CIC with a quarter of the crew ill. I doubt we'll be seeing him here until the crisis is over."
It has been five weeks since the start of the epidemic. I walk into the officers' mess looking for a cup of that synthetic dishwater known as "coffee". I spy a familiar figure at a corner table. Lt Thrace, "Starbuck" is still in her flight suit, her hair is slightly matted and mussed. She looks tired. After I get my cup of (dare I say it?) "coffee" I walk over to her and say, "Starbuck, you look like you've been doing a lot of viper flying.
She looks up at me and smiles saying, "Dr. Salik, you look like you've been doing a lot of doctor stuff. Have a seat."
I look at her and ask, "How's Lee doing? I haven't seen any of you in a while. Given all our schedules, I'm not surprised."
A funny look crosses her face and then she replies, "Lee is fine, of course his work has tripled since so many pilots are sick. How are the patients? I heard you guys were trying a new medication. Is it working?"
I am happy to give some good news for a change. "It's working. All the patients are showing dramatic improvement. We have fifty out of stasis, and upgraded seventy from critical to stable. The doctors on the Dell are working on a vaccination right now. Hopefully in a few weeks everyone should be back at stations."
She leans forward in her chair and stares at me while keeping her voice low. "How are you doing, Kylen? Don't try telling me you're fine. I have it on good authority that you and the Commander had a disagreement."
Now I'm interested. I stare at her intently and ask, "Do I want to guess who you heard that from?"
"From Lee. He and the Commander had an interesting conversation the other day. The Commander feels you've been avoiding him. He's not sure what upset you. Lee thought his dad was trying to pump him for information because he knows you and I talk."
I sigh. "Kara, I appreciate your interest but I am really not in the mood to explain my actions."
"It may help to talk. It helped me with Lee. You give good advice, it's about time you listen to yourself and maybe talk about what's bothering you and the Commander."
I sit for a minute thinking. She has a point. I sigh again and begin. "This is between you and me. It goes nowhere. If any of what I am about to say becomes public knowledge, you can kiss your career as a viper pilot good-bye." She nods and I continue, "I've told you that so far the Commander has been setting the pace, he's the one in control of where this relationship is, or rather was going. I was ok with that in the beginning, but it's not ok now. I mean things are fine when he wants to hug me, but I have to guess if it's ok to touch him. I don't like guessing games and I definitely don't like having no control whatsoever in a relationship I have a vested interest in. Starbuck, the other night he made it plain to me that he wants US to be just friends. He may have later regretted what he said but it was real and spontaneous, and I have to think a sign of what he really wants. He means a lot to me, and I've started to want a lot from him. I can't be his friend anymore, Kara. Ahh frak. I've gone and fallen in love with him." I just sit there. Lords, Kylen, you sound pathetic. Like one of those trashy romance heroines.
Starbuck interrupts my thoughts. "Kylen let me just say something here. Try to keep an open mind ok?" I nod and she continues on, "You know Lee and his father have been getting along better. They talk more. Well, Lee talks to me. I think the Commander is a little afraid about getting involved with you for a few reasons. One is the age difference; I mean you are younger than him. He may not show it but I think he may feel "inadequate". Another problem from what Lee has hinted at, and Lee can be as hard to read as his father, the Commander has a history of one failed marriage. Lee didn't help things much, when he first came on Galactica and pretty much told the Commander he was a failure as a father and husband. I think even though the split between them is better, you have to wonder if he feels he's really not good relationship material. It's been a long time since he was involved with any woman. Why not give him another chance?"
She has such an earnest look on her face, I want to say yes, instead I reply, "So why doesn't he talk to me about these things? I could care less about his age. I'm not even asking for marriage. Kara, I believe two people who really care about each other share things, good things, bad things, anythings. I won't live like his ex-wife, guessing at what he's thinking. His actions say one thing, his words another, occasionally both actions and words say the same thing but that's rare. I've been in a few screwed up relationships and I can tell you no matter how many band-aids you use they don't hold together. I need more from him and he has to want to give it, otherwise it won't work."
She is looking at me with sad green eyes. I have nothing else to say. "Thanks for the ear and the insight. You know, Kara, sometimes as a doctor you reach a point where nothing you do will change the outcome, and only prolongs the patient's suffering. When that time comes it's better to keep the patient comfortable and let them go in peace. Maybe it's time to let this relationship go. You take care. If you get yourself over to the Lenna Dell, look me up."
Before she can try to stop me, I finish my "coffee" and sigh. "Please excuse me, Starbuck, I have a letter to write." I get up from my chair and leave the officers' mess.
I walk to my quarters and close the hatch. It has been a long few weeks and an even longer last few days since my argument with the Commander. My bunk is looking awfully good right now, and I go to sit down. For a while there it looked bad, with about a quarter of the Galactica's crew affected as well as an eighth of the civilian fleet. Dan and his crew deserve a medal for this. I wonder if he would like the job of Fleet General Surgeon, or maybe he can be Galactica's new CMO.
I have not seen Bill since that time in his quarters, several days ago. Not entirely his fault. I have been avoiding him. I feel like he rejected me and it hurts. I admit I was acting out of character, and it was not the best timing wise, but it was just a hug and a little kiss. Not like I jumped him in bed and demanded sex. It would probably be easier if all I wanted from Bill was sex, instead I have to go and want love from him. He pulled back, and if that isn't his statement of where he wants US to go then I'm not a doctor.
He has come around the Life Station since then, but I have not been there, on purpose. I have not gone to ferret him out in CIC. He has been busy with keeping the Galactica running on minimal crew. I have been working in the Life Station or the Isolation Ward. Maybe he cannot be anything other than what he is, the Commander of Galactica. Maybe he has given me all he can. Too bad his friendship is not enough for me. The conversation with Starbuck was interesting, but if Bill had any questions on where he stands with me he should ask. I am not even going to think about marriage.
Ahh Kylen, you always did have a bad track record with men. What made you think this was going to be any different? You always were a little too driven, a little too odd, a little too independent, a little too good at what you do, and now too needy. That's a first for me. Usually guys complain that I don't need them enough, I put my work first, yadda, yadda. Now when I find a man that I need, he doesn't need me. Who would have guessed that someday I would be the needy one? I would kill for a cup of real coffee right now, anything to cheer me up.
I truly had never planned on leaving Colonial service. I had had my place at Fleet Hospital and I had loved my job. But Fleet Hospital is gone, and while I still love my job, I will not stay near Bill to keep it. I will not stay in a place where I would see him and have to interact with him almost every day. I open the buttons of my duty top while still sitting up on the side of my bunk. I look down and see my dog tags. I have worn them forever; it will be strange not wearing them.
I get up from my bunk and go to my small desk and sit down to compose my resignation letter.
A little later, there is a knock at my hatch, and I hear Bill's voice, "Doctor, can I come in?" He opens the hatch and stands there before I can even reply.
I put my letter under some sheets of paper and turn to look at him. He is standing on the threshold and looking at me. "Mind if I come in?"
I can count on one hand the times he's been here. I wonder who ratted me out. Would Starbuck be so devious? Is the current "coffee" dishwater with food coloring? I better let him come in and see what he wants. Hopefully I will be able to get him out of here relatively quickly. "Please. What brings you out of CIC? I know you're still on shift." I stand up and move over to my bunk while at the same time waving my hand in the direction of my vacated desk chair, indicating that he should sit there.
To my surprise, he closes the hatch, walks over and sits beside me on the bunk. "Col. Tigh is covering for me. I wanted to see how you're doing. I figured that you would come here after your shift. I hear the patients are doing better." He puts an arm around me. I don't move away, but I don't move closer either.
I am tired and do not want him here right now. I need to get him out of here. After I finish my letter, I will get some sleep. Then I will be ready to deal with Commander William Adama.
I try to keep my voice even as I speak. "Well, as you can see I'm a little tired, nothing a good night's sleep won't cure. Otherwise all ok. All the patients are responding well to the antibody. The guys on the Dell did a great job. They saved us all. You know Dan, Dr. Janner, would make an excellent Fleet Surgeon General." I give him a bright smile and then continue, "I'll have a full report for you tomorrow mid-shift. So instead of trying to get the scoop why don't you wait for the official report and get back to CIC? Let a tired old gal get some beauty sleep."
"Kylen, what's going on? You've been avoiding me." Gee, concern in his voice. I can feel myself getting angry. Where are the Cylons when you really need them? Hell an escaped Dr. Baltar and his invisible friend would do in a pinch.
I give him a small smile and say again, "I've been very busy taking care of the patients. I heard you came by the Life Station, I just couldn't break away. Bill, I really am tired and need some sleep." He shifts closer to me. It feels nice, but I have already begun distancing myself from him since that incident in his quarters. I can no longer sit next to Bill. The feel of his body next to mine is like a tease, something dangled before me that I know I'll never reach.
I stand up and move away from him, aimlessly pacing my quarters, my eyes avoiding his. I don't want to talk about US right now, but he's still sitting on my bunk and not moving. My anger continues to grow. Once again Bill's trying to control the situation. I need to get some sleep then I'll be able to have this conversation. If I start talking now I'll lose it and say things that I will regret. "Look, you came to see how I was. I'm fine. Now you can get back to work."
"What's going on, Kylen?" His eyes follow me. Does he think I am going to go off the deep end like I did that one time long ago? Is he asking because he cares about me, or about his CMO? Do I even care at this point? My patience is wearing thin.
"That's the second time you asked that question. Nothing is going on." I know he hears the frustration and anger in my voice
"I don't believe that." I should have known he would be a hard man to get rid of. He is after all used to getting things his way. Well this is one thing that is going to be done my way.
I spin around to confront him. I'm almost shouting at him. "Ok. Well how about this? I love you, Bill. I know when I first tried to talk about US you implied you didn't feel ready to have a romantic relationship with me. At the time, I was fine with that decision. I'm not fine with it now. Lords know the last time I was in your quarters you made it plain where WE stood. I want - No! I deserve more. I want more than a close friend. I want someone to share my life with. I need someone to be here for me, and who needs me too. I need someone who can hold me close when it gets bad and who wants me to return the favor. I'm tired of your schizophrenia, you say one thing but your actions say something else. I'm not a mind reader. So Bill, do you love me? Am I more than just your friend?"
We are looking at each other. His stare is so intense, but I am not backing down. The silence stretches between us. He says nothing, either unable or unwilling to respond to what I have dropped before him. A minute ago I told him to leave, I bet he wishes he had. I know I'm not being fair by demanding an answer right now. I feel my anger drain away. In its place is peace, it's strange to feel peaceful when I am in the process of turning my whatevership with Bill into a nuclear wasteland.
My voice is strangely calm as I begin again. "Have nothing to say, Bill? That's ok, I understand, I really do." I turn away so he can't see how much his silence, his lack of willingness to commit is hurting me. There is only one thing left to do now. Best make this cut with a scalpel; it usually starts bleeding way before you notice the pain. I continue on in that same calm voice. "Let me make this easy on you. I will be submitting my resignation from Colonial service tomorrow, and will be taking a position on the Lenna Dell. I can't deal with halves anymore. Please leave."
I hear movement behind me and realize he is probably standing. His voice has the tone he uses when he gives an order. "You can't do that."
I turn to face him. "Yes, I can. I put in all my required time years ago, Bill. So unless you are going to ask the president to change the laws to make serving in the fleet a lifelong commitment I can resign, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."
By now we have moved closer to each other and are separated by only a few inches. He has me on height by five inches, but I have been short all my life and it will take a lot more than that to intimidate me. We stare at each other and while I have always been impressed by his "Command Stare", it does not affect me now. I think it surprises him; he has only seen hints of this stubborn person.
"I won't accept it."
"You don't have a choice."
Most times I'm not really aware of his strength because he's always so careful around me. But when he grabs me and pulls me to him, I feel it. I also feel his anger. "I'm not letting you go, Kylen." and then he kisses me.
I expect the kiss to be hard, an expression of his frustration and anger at me. It isn't. Bill is holding me against him with one arm tight around my body and a hand on the back of my neck. I'm pulled up almost onto my toes. He kisses me with an intensity that is frightening, but there is no anger there. His kiss is an exploration. At times deep and all consuming, and other times a mere tracery of my lips. My arms are trapped between my body and his. I can't move. When he finally lifts his head it's only for a moment so we can get a breath. His lips never really leave mine as he says my name, "Kylen."
I'm saying his name when he kisses me again, "Bil..." This one is more intense as his tongue enters my mouth through my parted lips and begins a more thorough exploration. I'm not sure how long it lasts, but it seems over far too soon.
He continues to hold me close. I can feel his rapid heartbeat. His breathing is fast. But then so is mine.
I can only whisper, "Bill, this solves nothi..."
"Shh." A finger is against my lips and he squeezes me hard for a second. Next thing I know I feel him begin to pick me up. "Bill! You're going to fall. Put me down NOW!" I have no idea how he does it but he manages to sit down on the side of my bunk, me in his lap. I look at him warily. His arms are around me keeping me in his lap. I want to move away. I feel too vulnerable sitting here.
He is looking at me, his eyes a dark brown. "Lords, I've wanted to do that for a long time now."
I continue looking at him, "Bill, I don't see how that kiss, nice as it was, changes anything. I love you. You may need me in some way but you don't love me, and I...."
"I never said I didn't love you." What kind of a reverse logic is that? I take a minute to get over my shock at his statement before I reproach him saying, "You never said you did."
"I tell you that every day." His lips are now against my neck. I feel their movement. A small light kiss just below my ear, and I give a slight shudder. He places a small bite in the same place and I again respond to it. His one hand moves to my neck gently holding my head in place while his other arm is wrapped tightly around me.
I need to focus. "Last, ahhh, last I checked, I had perfect hearing and I never heard those words pass your lips." Those lips are tracing the edge of my ear, his breath is against it and I feel myself shifting in his arms unable to control my body's reaction to what he is doing.
"You hear what I'm saying now don't you?" That low voice again causes me to shiver.
"I can't think when you do that, Bill."
"Maybe you should be doing less thinking and just feel." His breath is warm, even hot, and I fail to hold back the moan that leaves my lips as he takes my earlobe in his mouth and gives it a small nip.
He turns my head as his light kisses trail across to my jaw line, to kiss my mouth. My arms finally come up to wrap around his neck. This kiss is not as hard but just as thorough as his last one. He breaks away for a second and as I take a breath he is there again. His tongue is inside my mouth learning it, tasting me, but I am returning the favor, and my tongue explores the unknown territory of his mouth. He tastes of that synthetic dishwater, something spicy, and just him. My right hand threads into the fine hair near his neck. I feel myself twist in his lap trying to move closer to him. My heart is racing.
I have to stop this now. Sex is all fine and good but I want more from Bill. I have to know if he loves me, I need to hear him say those words. I pull back and say, "Bill, please stop."
He is looking at me, waiting for me to continue. "I know what your actions are saying, Bill, but I need more. I need to hear the words. I need to be able to know where we stand with each other."
"I'm not good with words, Kylen." I give him a disbelieving look; I heard that stirring speech after we jumped from Ragnar. "I mean, I am not good saying what I feel. As a Commander, it..."
"It doesn't hold water, Bill; I'm a "commander" too. Yeah we don't go talking to subordinates about the intimate details of our lives; however, being in love with another person means you share. I will not play guessing games. I need for you to tell me how you feel about me."
He is staring at me with his brown eyes. They are saying a lot but I want to hear it. He pulls me close and I hear his whisper against my ear, "I love you, Kylen."
I pull back so I can look him in the eye. "You mean it? Really mean that you love me?"
Bill and I are looking into each other's eyes as he replies, "Yes I mean it."
"Is this just another one of my weird dreams? Or is this real?"
He is starting to look and sound exasperated. "No dream, Kylen. This is real." His eyes narrow suddenly and he gets an intense look on his face. "You've had dreams about me?"
I can't believe I just told him I have dreams about him. That ranks right up there with the bedroom voice comment in the "most stupid things I have ever said" column. I decide to try some evasive action to avoid answering that question. "So what now, Bill? Where do we go from here?"
He shifts to bring us both back into my bunk, so we are eventually lying side-by-side. His arms keep me close and my head is on his shoulder. "We both get some sleep. Then you have dinner with me in my quarters. Bring your toothbrush, pajamas are optional."
I get some leverage so I can look him in the eyes. "Isn't that moving rather fast, Commander?" Ok, I'm being coy, sue me.
The arm holding me close to his body gives me a squeeze as he replies, "You know damn well we've been dating for months. First you throw yourself at me and now you're playing hard to get?"
The man is delusional. I demand, "When did I throw myself at you?"
He is wearing a smug expression when he replies, "Your birthday."
"That was my way of saying thank you for that excellent birthday present."
"I was lucky to still have my tonsils."
"Oh for Lords sake. You didn't even open your mouth. I thought I was kissing a virgin. Besides I didn't hear you complaining."
"Hard to complain when your lips are sealed. By-the-way, how many virgins have you kissed to give such an expert opinion?" I can only stare at the strange man who I am in bed with. He continues on, "Now get some sleep. Maybe you'll have some more of those dreams about me. That's an order. No one should bother us for a while." Smug devious bastard, but sweet.
I really hate to spoil the mood, but I still feel on shaky ground by this turn of events. "We still have a lot of things to discuss, Bill." I get another squeeze and hear him say, "We will, after we get some sleep."
His warmth seeps into my body and I find that I cannot stay awake. I go to sleep with the beat of his heart in my ear.
End (for now)