Kreon sits in a pool in a luxurious bathhouse six hundred miles from home and on the opposite side of the peninsula. Kreon dunks his head underwater and then slicks his hair back like Spike's, though Kreon's hair is still black. The floor is marble and the walls are decorated with mosaics. The circular pool is thirty feet across, with benches curving around the outer edge. High above the pool is a domed roof with a six foot opening in the center to allow light in. Kreon stares up at the waffle-patterned ceiling. Having come from a civilization that didn't use arches, Kreon's never seen anything like it. He hears Myrina walk up to the pool's edge.
"How does it stay up? I keep thinking it's gonna fall down on me."
"It would push the walls down first. But I guess they can support the roof's weight."
"Are the walls extra thick?"
"No. That's what I thought at first. But it supports itself. One of their builders showed me. It's like all the stones are falling at the same time, and they keep getting in each other's way. So they're always stuck and they never fall. I'm taking a few builders and architects back to the capital to teach us what they know."
Kreon stops gazing at the ceiling and looks at Myrina. He appears worried. "But you just got here."
"Not yet. I'll be here nine or ten days. They have a lot of questions about our art. And our stories."
"Our art? You mean your art."
"I'm not the only one," Myrina bashfully replies.
"You're the only one I care about." Myrina's dress drops to the floor, which of course makes Kreon very happy. She gets into the pool with him, sitting to his right. She puts her left hand on a four inch-long wound just above Kreon right collarbone.
"Looks like a sword."
"Mine was better aimed. It hurts a lot less when you kill the guy who gave it to you."
"It's deep."
"Not really."
"What was this one?," she asks about a puncture wound on his right pectoral.
"Javelin. From about fifteen feet away."
"Didn't you have your armor on?"
"That's why it's just a little poke. Myrina, relax. I'm fine."
"I just don't like thinking about how close you come to dying every time you fight."
"I'll be doing a lot less fighting from now on."
"You really mean that this time?"
"There's no one left to fight. No one who's challenging. I've got time to settle down."
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"If you're ready." Myrina smiles and kisses Kreon. The two of them start splashing around in the center of the pool. Kreon ducks down underwater. Myrina moans and looks up at the ceiling. Kreon surfaces and they continue going at it rather ferociously. Kreon and Myrina are used to spending days together after being separated for months, so they carry on like long-lost lovers every time they get together. Suddenly, Anya teleports into the building.
"Kreon? Myrina? Aghhh!" Anya jumps back upon after getting an eyeful of their uninhibited animal lust. And Anya's a very difficult person to shock. "I'll talk to you two later. When you're dressed." Normally, Kreon and Myrina would notice someone teleporting twenty feet away from them, especially someone as important as Anya. But not now.
Penelope sits on a couch, nursing a newborn. Hiero sits to her left, playing with their one year-old son. The boy's squirming around, so Hiero places him on the ground so he can crawl. Fifteen feet in front of them, Anya materializes. Penelope gasps. The newborn starts crying. Hiero's eyes grow big and he smiles.
"Anya!," he exclaims. Hiero always liked her. Therefore, Penelope doesn't. Anya looks at the rugrats.
"Can't you people wait to do your breeding after you've done your conquering? It's much easier that way." The baby boy gazes at the stranger who suddenly appeared. He looks confused and curious. As Anya walks over to Hiero, the baby crawls over to her.
Penelope comforts her newborn daughter. Then she looks angrily at Anya. "You scared little Dawna."
"Little who?" Anya feels the baby boy tugging at her pants. She's never been good with babies, or children in general.
"He wants you to pick him up," Hiero tells Anya. She slowly bends down and takes the baby boy in her arms. He smiles and coos and reaches out to touch her face. "Looks like Conn likes you."
"Wait. She said that one's called . . . and you said this one's called - " she holds the baby out in front of her and gets a good look at him. "Well isn't that a funny coincidence. Especially since it wasn't so long ago that . . . " As her voice trails off, Anya looks nauseous. "Maybe it's not so funny." Anya hands the baby back to Hiero.
"Polite people walk into rooms," Penelope snaps.
"I like to make a nice entrance."
"And why should Anya have to bother with the guards outside?," Hiero asks his wife. "She's too important for that. Please. Sit down. Would you like something to drink?"
"No. I'm fine." Anya sits to Hiero's left. Baby Conn keeps looking at Anya and smiling. "Okay, he's starting to worry me."
"He must think you're the new nurse." That doesn't make Anya feel any less uncomfortable. Conn wriggles out of Hiero's arms and crawls onto Penelope's lap. Penelope starts feeding him and hands their daughter to Hiero. He cradles her in his arms. Dawna looks tired. Hiero shows the baby to Anya. The baby spits up, hitting Anya in the nose. The baby giggles and goes to sleep. "Sorry," he apologizes. "Let me help get that off. She's fifteen days old. They do that sometimes."
"Why are you back?," Penelope asks.
"Has something bad happened?," Hiero wonders.
"No. I'm just here to check up on you wonderful, wonderfully fertile people. And I thought bunnies reproduced quickly."
"How is Sunnydale?," Hiero asks.
"Oh, the usual. Apocalypse. Imminent destruction. Nothing's changed. Can't say the same about this place."
GIles sits alone at a desk his room, which is in the center of the back half of the bunker. He goes over his notes and writes a few more things down. Buffy enters. "Finished with the warmed-over prophecies for now?"
"I just needed a short break. I am making progress, though it might not look that way right now."
"You'll find the answer. You always do."
"Though not always in time."
"Have you found anything in there that's not old news?"
"A few lines here and there. Something about a cataclysm preparing the field of battle. References to an arena where the outcome will be decided. At, most tantalizingly of all, allusions to certain sacred weapons. "Tools that can harm what once once invincible." I'm assuming it refers to Nina.
"It doesn't mention her by name? You know, since it mentions a lot of other big bads by name."
"Not yet. And that's the problem. The references are always in the context of explaining how other apocalyptic monsters were defeated."
"It is kind of a recurring pattern," Buffy comments. "Super-monster's too much for me at first. I get frustrated. And, sometimes, a little bruised. Then we come up with a way to beat it."
"But the text also mentions dozens of incidents which don't involve you. In fact, most of them don't even involve a Slayer. And many of them occurred well before the book was even written."
"I know I've said it before, but this is sounding less and less like a prophecy book. It isn't even pretending to be about the future."
"There is a school of prophetic literature where the writer hides his predictions in descriptions of past events. That way, only the intended audience would recognize it for what it really was."
"Like a code? For demon nerds."
"I prefer to think of myself as a demon expert, but yes. While the actual prophecies focus on events in Sunnydale, occasionally there appears an isolated reference to something that occurred long ago and far away. Emiliano, to his eternal credit, did his utmost to find out what these references referred to. And, with the help of past knowledge and my books, I should able to fill in much of what he couldn't. These events were chosen because they relate, in some way, to our own fight. Hopefully, I can figure out how they relate in time to help you."
"Looming apocalypse aside, your brow seems for furrowy that usual."
"I've been thinking about Zora and Molly. And Rose and Chao-ahn. Whether I did enough to protect them from Seth and Nina."
"That's my job. And, my guilt. No reason for you to also carry it."
"I'm the one who chose to expose them to danger."
"Because if you didn't, all of the First's well-dressed slashers would have chopped the rest of us into bite-size demon treats."
"Which is why the Reapers were here: to draw out the girls so they could be attacked by the Titans. But it's more than that. A little while back, we stopped viewing the girls as helpless targets, and started seeing them as fighters."
"Because they are fighters. They have to be. And isn't that what we wanted? Isn't that why you train them?"
"When they triumph, that's how I see it. But when they die, I start to worry that maybe we expected too much out of them."
"They've proven themselves over and over. Against vampires, against Bringers, against Reapers. Those deaths happened because they faced something none of us could kill. Nina could've taken out me. Or Faith. Or Spike. Or all of us. But she chose to go after the Potentials instead." Buffy pauses for a second. "Why didn't she kill us?"
"Arrogance."
"She is big with the taunting. And you can't taunt a corpse."
"Last Friday — the night Seth first appeared — I received a call from Claude just before we left the house."
"You mean that Smoking Frenchman?"
"Yes. He called to report a noteworthy development. One of the remaining Watchers told a Bulgarian girl named Tanya that she was a Potential Slayer."
"And she wasn't? That's pretty twisted. Not to mention cruel."
"The girl lived in Varna. Some vampires from Odessa and the Crimea had sailed into her town. For at least a month, they had been making life very difficult for Tanya and her neighbors, to put it mildly. So the Watcher told her that she had a natural aptitude for fighting vampires. Intuitive instincts and reflexes. The speech you and I gave them."
"Only in this case it was a cruel, sadistic joke."
"Except for the fact that it worked. From what Claude told me, Tanya fought as well, if not better, than any of the actual Potentials."
"That's impossible. Unless either she got lucky and these vampires were especially weak."
"Very doubtful. Vampires from the former Soviet Union tend to be exceptionally hardy. You have to be to survive as a freelance killer in a police state."
"What are you saying?"
"What I'm saying is that Claude suggested that, perhaps, the Potentials possess no special intuitive skills. That it's all a Placebo Effect. That, until they become Slayers, the Potentials are no different from other girls their age."
"But we know that's crazy. We've seen what they can do."
"Because of our training. To Claude, it's a question of nurture over nature."
"And you believe him?"
"Not entirely. But, when we face setbacks, I have to wonder. Mind you, Claude has always been a heretic. He still refuses to believe in the idea of a First Slayer given her power by shamans."
"Then who the hell does he think I talked to?"
"A warrior goddess. He believes you were imbued with the power of a goddess, not that of the First Slayer."
"So where does he think Slayer Power comes from?"
"Not from men. He thinks the traditional story you and I believe is propaganda created by male Watchers to establish power over Slayers. In Claude's mind, the natural order is for Watchers to be the loyal servants of the Slayer."
"He may be onto something with that last part. Servants. Was that the exact word he used?"
"Yes. Claude has always maintained that because Slayers have all the power, and Watcher have none, it is only proper for us to be their servants."
"My servants," Buffy says with a smile. "I like that. How did this guy get to be a Watcher?"
"The Council had no choice by the tolerate Claude's subversive opinions because of his lineage. He's a ninth-generation Watcher. As long as he didn't turn evil or attempt any unauthorized contact with a Slayer, Claude was untouchable."
"Was it his idea to lie to this girl?"
"No. Gregory did that on his own. But Claude certainly didn't disapprove."
"What's happened to her? Did she die?"
"No. Largely because she was supported by other fighters. The vampires who weren't kill chose to abandon Varna. They appear to have scattered along the Georgian coast and the Turkish coast east of Trebzon. Claude said that Gregory told him Tanya's become something of a local heroine."
"A pseudo-Chosen One?"
"I suppose that from her point of view, it was not a choice, but a necessity."
"What was the point of this again?," Buffy wonders. From her view, Giles appears to be embracing an ends-justify-the-means approach to Slaying.
"That we should be careful. Understand the girls' strengths, but also recognize their limitations."
"Haven't we always done that?"
"I suppose. That's enough second-guessing for one day. I should be getting back to work."
The two of them walk back to the living room, where Faith's talking with Spike, Willow and Kennedy. "So that's how you and Angel healed so fast. Still can't quite believe that part about them worshipping Spike. Angel, I understand."
"Oh, cum on!! Bloke feels your pain, shares a good cry, and that makes him a bloody God in your eyes?"
"No. But he is more believable as a king."
"Bollocks. I'm the one who started everything. Angel showed up halfway through to piggyback of my success and bask in my reflected glory." Spike looks around. "Hey. What was that?" Anya walks in from the dining room. "You've returned."
"Anya?," Willow asks. "You've been gone a while."
"FIve days." Anya looks at the clock on the wall. "Or two hours, depending on how you look at it."
"So how are my people?," Spike asks. Faith laughs. "You know wut I mean."
"It's been close to thirty months since you left. Two-and-a-half years is a long time."
"Well get to it. Is it bad? Are they fighting again?"
"Not with each other." The good news is that Thermadonia and Amastria are at peace. The bad news is they've conquered the middle third of the continent."
"What?," Spike exclaims.
"Don't act so surprised. I told you this would happen. You don't bring that many warriors together and expect them to put down their weapons and just go home. How many soldiers did you two have?"
"At the battle? Over sixty thousand. Forty thousand heavy infantry. Fifteen thousand cavalry. Not to mention the tens of thousands of light troops we didn't bother to bring along."
"Good Lord," Giles blurts out as he walks towards them, along with Xander, Dawn and Andrew. "Alexander the Great conquered Persia with less than that."
"It seems that after Angel and Spike made peace, their armies realized it made much more sense to conquer others instead of fighting each other."
"But the army I built wasn't designed for foreign campaigns," Spike explains. "They were amateurs. Few of 'em had ever fought in a single bloody battle."
"Then they learned very quickly. When I got there, they had just conquered Anxur in an epic battle. Your people and Angel's people and the Amazons and the mercenaries all fighting together. Fifty thousand soldiers routing seventy five thousand. So everyone was pretty giddy."
"Anxur's all the way on the other coast. They're the strongest empire on the continent," Spike recalls.
"Were the strongest," Anya corrects him.
"My army wasn't prepared for their echelon tactics. What did they use to cover the flanks of their phalanx?"
"Your Slayer Corps."
"Your what?," Buffy demands to know.
"Anya, what the bloody hell are you talking about?"
"Your know. Your maenads?"
"Don't call them that."
"Oh! You mean the girls Spike trained to be killers," Willow realizes.
"I trained them to defend their homes. They were a militia. A home guard."
"Is that what you called them?," Giles asks, upset by the ridiculous appropriation of a term used in England during the World Wars.
"I just called my girls. They didn't need a name."
"Why do they call themselves Slayers?," Buffy asks.
"Probably cause it sounds better than Potential Slayers," Kennedy guesses. "That is where you got the idea, right Spike?"
"No. Not really. It just kind of happened. These people married girls off at thirteen or fourteen to men twice their age. I set them free, gave them the chance to ditch those wankers. But that made them targets for honor killings by the ex-husband's family. So they banded together, and I taught them to protect their freedom."
"And turn them into vicious killers who chopped people to bits," Kennedy points out.
"Those Amazons had it coming, and you bloody well know it."
"Ironic that you both mention that. Because after you and Angel made peace, those two groups decided that the ravaging and dismemberments were really just a big misunderstanding. They saw they had a lot in common. Which isn't surprising, since the Amazons had already made peace with the male mercenaries who had been their mortal enemies for generations."
"You mean those pigs finally gave up and realized they could never defeat the women?," Kennedy hopefully asks. Anya laughs.
"Not even close. They all started sleeping together." Willow and Kennedy gasp. "Evidently Spike taught the mercenaries and Angel taught the Amazons that there was another way. They could make love AND make war."
"That was always Memnon's dream," Spike notes with smile.
"But it's impossible," Kennedy maintains, still in denial. "Almost all of those women were lesbians. And they hated those particular men more than anything."
"Things can change," Spike says with a smirk, referring to Kennedy's second objection. Anya handles the first.
"Actually, it turns out only about a third of the Amazons are out-and-out lesbians. About one-sixth are straight, and the remaining half are bisexual." Willow and Kennedy think about this. Anya's estimate from the number of straights conforms with their own observations. But they disagree with the idea that most of the rest were bisexual, mostly for personal reasons.
"They only slept with men to reproduce," Kennedy argues. "They never acted like they were actually attracted to the men."
"Lesbians really just being bisexual,'?" Willow asks with a laugh. "That's not how these things really work. It's just some dopey male fantasy."
"Yes. And I'm sure if you just explained that to these women, they'd realize they really didn't like sleeping with men," Anya sarcastically replies. "After all, who should they trust — their own bodies, or you? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make fun of you. No, I did. But not that much. I asked them about the gay-straight thing myself, and they just looked at me like I was from another planet. Which was appropriate, since I am. They don't have words for gay or lesbian. The concept is foreign to them. Like I said before, they're simple, unsophisticated people. Simple, violent people. After they slept together, the first thing they did was conquer the Nemean Plateau and subjugate two tribes who had always been enemies of the Amazons."
"That was also Memnon's dream," Spike mentions. The others give him suspicious looks. "So the bloke had violent dreams. He was a bloody soldier! But clearly a visionary one."
"Of course, what with all the sleeping together, the Amazons soon got pregnant. So most of them had to settle down, and only the thousand or so lesbians could continue fighting with the men."
"They abandoned their children?," Willow asks. "Once a dirtbag, always a dirtbag. Those women sure made a mistake in trusting their old enemies."
"The mothers didn't see it that way. They told me the fathers wanted to stay home and play daddy, but that the women ordered their men to go fight. Or else they'd no longer respect them. It's like they believe that motherhood is a real job, but fatherhood is just an excuse to stay home and be lazy."
"A culture that encourages fathers not be a part of their children's lives," Buffy comments.
"And raises their daughters to be warriors," Willow adds.
Spike's mind was on something else. "What's this about the Amazons and my girls joining forces?"
"They provided the infantry for that campaign. Five thousand strong. Completely overran the enemy's fortifications."
"Five thousand? There were only three thousand of them."
"The girls Angel trained joined up. Plus, girls from the other allies."
"Angel also turned teenagers into warriors?," Giles asks with concern.
"Bloody copycat," Spike responds. "And they couldn't hold a candle to mine. First time they attacked, my girls routed them."
"You pitted them against each other?," a worried Buffy asks.
"No. I said his girls attacked mine, and mine drove 'em away without much trouble."
"They attacked because you were invading their country," Anya reminds him.
"It was negotiating tactic. I wusn't planning on any actual fighting."
"Your usual recklessness aside, wouldn't these young girls be at a disadvantage when matched up against bigger, stronger male warriors?," Giles asks Spike.
"They weren't meant for big battles. They were irregulars. Skirmishers. Light infantry and such. Using hit-and-run tactics."
"That, and swarming," Anya adds. "Which they all credit you with teaching them."
"That's just another form of ambush."
"No. I saw them practicing. It's more of a terrifying mass charge. Like Bezerkers with PMS."
"I wouldn't call them Bezerkers. They just form up in column and rush the enemy while screaming at the top of their lungs. Point is to make the blokes run away before they come to grips with the girls. You might even call it a bloodless, humanitarian tactic," Spike adds, trying to spin something that clearly has Buffy alarmed. "So Angel's birds have joined up. My girls are still in charge, right?"
"Yes. Though they've switched from their original fanatical Spike worship to a less controversial but no less fanatical Buffy worship."
"Hold on," Buffy interrupts. "They kill, they take human life, and they think I would approve?"
"From you — or, more accurately, from Spike and Angel — they learned about the importance of fighting evil," Anya explains. "But they don't have demons to kill. So, instead, they decided to attack evil people. Meaning the ones who didn't know about you and your enlightened' ways." She looks at Spike. "When you two were there, I told you that your good intentions would backfire." Buffy looks at Spike. She's not happy with this turn of events.
"I taught them how to defend themselves. Is it my fault they went on offense?"
"Like the boy who gets picked on, learns how to fight and turns into a bully," Andrew comments.
"It's less ironic, and less brutal," Anya responds. "They don't burn cities or massacre civilians. And when they win, all they do is make the conquered people accept the touchy-feely laws Angel and Spike gave them: freeing slaves, liberating women, making everyone equal before the law, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and they make the losers pay for the invasion. Plus one-third more. Then they take half the money out of all the temples. But no looting or paying of tribute. Except for the small entertainment tax. To finance their lavish productions celebrating our little adventures."
"They invade people so they can afford to re-create our lives?," Xander asks. "By the way, which adventures?"
"Mostly stuff about Buffy and Angel, or Buffy and Spike. Plus, one musical about Tara that I thought was rather well put together. She seems to have become quite popular."
"They're trying to do our musical?," Willow asks.
"No. They add songs to all the other, less tuneful, parts of our lives. It's very epic. At least, it's supposed to be. But most of what I saw looked a little maudlin. Like passion plays. Which is what they really are."
"Passion plays are about saints," Giles notes.
"Fine. They're passion plays with sex and fighting scenes. What I forgot to say was that most of the tax is used to fund productions in the conquered lands as a form of indoctrination. Then, once the people are hooked, they travel to Buffion and pay to see the real thing."
"Did you just say - ?," Buffy begins.
"Buffion. It's their new capital."
"They already had capitals," Spike points out.
"Don't worry. Spikeopolis and Angelopolous haven't been abandoned. They're both prosperous and growing."
"You named a city after yourself," Xander says while laughing.
"After I doubled the size of the country, they needed a new capital that wus closer to the new territories. But Amastria already had a capital. Angel's place was just an ego trip."
"No. It was an attempt to corner the coastal trade and keep an eye on your eastern allies," Anya explains. "But now, it's just a prosperous commercial town."
"I still don't get it," Spike responds. They were separate nations. We saw to that."
"You came in April. By winter, after the end of the first campaigning season, Thermadonia and Amastria and the Amazons all had their own conquests. Then they figured out it would be more efficient if they combined all their resources into a sort of confederation. The new government only deals with foreign matters. Thermadonia and Amastria still run their own internal affairs."
"What about Dorin and the coastal cities?," Spike asks.
"They've also joined to get a piece of the action. And with all the money flowing in from the conquests, Buffion's getting filled up with new theaters and government buildings and temples. The temple to Buffy is about one hundred yards long and fifty yards wide. And on each side of the Buffy temple are the Spike and Angel temples. They're slightly smaller: about two hundred by one hundred feet. Also, the Buffy temple's on a small hill up above the others. Lording it over Angel and Spike, you might say."
"This is wrong," Buffy announces. "This is very wrong and deeply upsetting and, just plain scary. And sick. People shouldn't be building temples to me in any dimension."
"They haven't finished the buildings," Anya continues. "But they are nearly done with the forty foot statue of you at the back of your temple."
"Again, with the scary and the sick. Did you tell them to build statues of me?," an obviously freaked Buffy asks Spike.
"No. But they did it anyway. Though they were much, much smaller. Life-size, really."
"It's hollow and made of ivory," Anya reports. "With hair of gold, and a stake made of gold in your right hand. You're standing up, and holding the stake across your body like this." Anya strikes the pose for a second. "If very life-like. And, somewhat terrifying."
"Like a giant monster Buffy," Xander jokes. "Forty feet tall. That means your fingers would be as thick as my arms, and your, other parts — okay, I'm stopping."
"How do they know what I look like?"
"I drew a couple pictures," Spike sheepishly responds. "They were begging me. I had no choice. Angel drew some too. Though he volunteered, without being begged."
"I'm wearing clothes, right?"
"Buffy, I would never - ," Spike begins.
"They do have imaginations," Anya responds. "But, no, Buffy is always tastefully covered. Though they often show a slight amount of cleavage. But it's nothing compared to what they do with Angel and Spike."
"You've got to be bloody kidding me! We wrote laws banning that."
"You thought that far ahead?," Kennedy asks. "And, that's what you thought about? Wow. You two sure are conceited and presumptuous."
"I agree with Kennedy," Xander chimes in. "Why would anyone carve a naked image of," he stops and look upset. "Okay, I won't be eating lunch today."
"Xander has a point," Willow adds. "The sculptors in that culture were men." Then Willow shivers as she realizes the answer. "Oh. They're those kinds of men." Still, the idea of men spending months lovingly creating copies of Spike's anatomy does cause her a bit of nausea.
"They're only responding to public demand," Anya claims.
"Okay, that just makes it a whole lot worse," Xander comments.
"Don't worry. In those two temples, you're both covered. Though only barely. And only, really, in front."
"I'm going to go outside and pray for the apocalypse," Xander responds.
"And I haven't even gotten to the weirdest part."
"It's a good thing I skipped breakfast," Xander adds.
"I'm with you on that one," Giles chimes in.
"The statues are about fifteen feet tall and up on pedestals. "In front of Spike's statue, in a glass case, is his leather coat. And in front of Angel's are his leather pants."
"In a temple?," Giles wonders.
"They worship leather?," Faith asks.
"They worship his pants?," Andrew follows up.
"Not in that way," Anya corrects them.
"Of course," Xander responds sarcastically. "Because that would be disgusting. As opposed to the rest of what they're doing."
"The clothes are more like relics. Symbols of their personalities and proof that they were once there."
"So that's why they insisted on keeping the coat," Spike comments. "Wanted something to remember me by."
"I'm surprised Angel didn't teach those people to live in peace with their neighbors," Giles remarks.
"They do live in peace with their neighbors," Anya replies. "Their neighbors help them conquer everyone else. That's how things work. You make peace with your neighbors so the two of you can attack someone else. Spike and Angel were too naive to understand what they were setting in motion."
"Guess I wus more successful than I could've even imagined," Spike boasts. "Enough about the big picture. How are Kreon and his sisters?"
"More successful that you could've even imagined," Anya answers cryptically. Spike doesn't yet see what she's getting at. "Kreon's married to Myrina."
"I knew those two had a future," Spike comments.
"And Penelope's married to Hiero."
"Hiero! That wanker? You've got to be bloody kidding me."
"Who's Hiero, and why does Spike hate him?," Dawn asks.
"Spike hates him?," Xander notes. "Whoever he is, he can't be that bad."
"Hiero is Angel's adopted son," Anya announces to numerous gasps.
"What you mean by Angel's son?," Dawn angrily asks.
"He was Angel's second-in-command," Spike explains. "Spent all his time with Angel. Lived to make Angel proud of him."
"The same way your adopted son Kreon treated you," Anya adds.
"I suppose. What was that?"
Xander laughs. "Someone wanted you to be his father figure?"
"I suppose this is yet another sign of apocalypse," Giles remarks.
"What exactly were you and Angel up to in this place?," Buffy asks suspiciously. "I'm getting the feeling there are a few things you're hiding from me."
"You mean like he boinked a bunch of those Amazons?," Faith asks. "Ain't that why you went there in the first place?"
"That didn't bloody happen. And I never adopted Kreon. He may have been my protege, but that was all."
"A protege. That's hardly any less disconcerting," Giles responds.
Anya tries to explain. "I think the adoption happened after you left, when Hiero and Kreon became the leaders of their own conquering armies. You two were gods, and they were the ones closest to you. So it was a way of exploiting that connection."
"Bloody perfect," Giles says with a sigh. "You've created warlords."
"Kreon's sisters did the same thing," Anya mentions with a laugh.
"They're also warlords?," Giles asks.
"Wouldn't that make them war ladies?," Xander wonders.
"Some of them," Anya responds. "But I meant they also adopted Spike as their father. Which means that, technically, you're a father of four." Anya laughs some more.
"Don't these people have real parents?," Buffy asks.
"Their mum's still alive," Spike responds. "Their dad died when they were kids. I think Hiero was orphaned at some point. Let's get back to wut matters. Why would Penelope marry Hiero?"
"You mean why would your daughter marry Angel's son?," Anya asks in jest.
Willow puts her head in her hands. "Why did I ever go back there? Why?"
"I know why," Spike answers.
"Because she wanted to spend a week at Amazon lesbian summer camp," Anya adds.
"Not that," Spike responds. "I understand why he fell for her. They did have the most charming way of meeting. Hiero put a spear through Penelope's arm. Then she killed his horse, tied him up and made him her prisoner."
"What do you mean by prisoner?," Faith asks. "How kinky are these people?"
"Prisoner of war. He was her war captive. No kink. Least not until after I left. He hasn't made her give up her career?"
"No. She's still the commander of the Slayer Corps."
"She makes a living killing people?," Buffy asks.
"So does her hubby," Spike points out. "What's with the double standard? You're the last person I'd expect that from."
"In fact, after they were married, they stormed a castle, slaughtered the garrison and spent their honeymoon there."
"That is rather romantic," Spike comments.
"That's what all their people seem to think."
"This is one sick place," Buffy notes.
"Contempt for the people who worship you. Spoken like a true God," Anya jokes.
"Don't, just don't ever bring that up. Ever," Buffy pleads. But others are more curious.
"Do they know about me?," Faith asks.
"Do they know about you? You're only the role model for all Amazons."
This upsets Kennedy. "I thought I was their role model?"
"You're a little too innocent for them, Kennedy. Every Amazon has killed men in cold blood. So, naturally, they relate to Faith. Angel seems to have put them through the whole reform-redemption grinder. Now, thanks to Faith's inspiration, they only kill in battle and leave the defenseless alone."
"You mean Angel used me as a good example?"
"I suppose. Who else would have? But they're not the only ones who like you. A lot of the people find Buffy to be, well, Little Miss Perfect — always winning and never abusing her power. You seem more human to them. And much easier to relate to. Then there are all the horny young men who go for bad girls." Xander gives a nervous, self-conscious chuckle.
"So once the women heard about Faith, they just forgot about me?," Kennedy asks defensively.
"Not at all. You did start an unfortunate tongue piercing fad, which seems to have led to hundreds of infections. But you also started a far less painful fad of warriors dating witches. It's become the new lesbian power couple over there. Especially after Malena hooked up with Hippolyta."
"Wasn't Malena the woman you helped?," Willow asks. "You know, the one who lost her kids and wanted vengeance on her ex-husband?"
"You know how these things work out," Anya replies. "She's in love with Hippolyta. Jason's in love with Olaf. Everyone's living gayly ever after."
"What about the children?," Xander asks. "Divorce is tough enough. Let alone having both your parents go gay. That's gotta be a shock."
"I talked to the two sons, and they seemed happy with the whole arrangement. Malena and Jason share custody. And the boys just adore Olaf. Turns out he's great with children."
"I thought he ate children?," Xander asks.
"He did," Anya responds in all seriousness, further confusing Xander.
"But Jason was a king," Willow recalls. "His people don't mind him not having a queen? I mean, an actual one, instead of one who is your ex-troll ex-boyfriend." Willow thinks about this for a second. "And to think, I always blamed our wacky love lives on the Hellmouth."
"Olaf's a great warrior. And the fact that Buffy knocked him unconscious makes him something of an uber-celebrity in that world. Also, Jason's bride was impregnated by Hiero."
"That rotten bloody scoundrel!," Spike exclaims. "Why didn't Penelope chop off his head for that?"
"Because, in their world, that sort of thing is more of a diplomatic alliance than an extramarital affair. Kreon's done the same thing. It's what conquerors do over there. Plus, being the self-proclaimed sons of gods gives them extra sex appeal. Basically, they've stolen Spike's and Angel's mojo."
"Not like you two guys were doing anything with it," Xander jokes.
"That doesn't sound like Kreon," Spike claims. "He loved Myrina. I never thought he'd betray her."
"They believe that if you're spending months away from the person you love, it's okay to become involved with someone else. Just so long as you don't fall in love with that new person. I don't know where they got that from."
"Certainly not from me," Spike replies, trying to imply something bad about Angel.
"Does this also apply to the women, or is it just your typical double standard?," Willow asks.
"No. They can fool around with men on the side while their husbands are away. Myrina had a fling with some brilliant foreign artist who came to town to build the Buffy statue. And Penelope was involved with a gallant warrior prince when she was engaged to Hiero. Strangely enough, they call these men Rileys."
"Guess we know who they learned it from," Faith concludes, angering Buffy.
"Trust me, it's not," Anya assures Buffy.
"But they call them Rileys," Faith responds. "Come on."
"Names aside, this is a little different. For one thing, the men can't put their things in the women. They're stuck on third, so to speak. And, at some point, they have to meet the husbands, kneel before them, and, well, you know." Everyone's speechless. "I think it's a way for the husband to keep from feeling cuckolded and to put the man-mistress in his place. Of course, they do tend to assume that their customs are also our customs. Which means they probably believe that when Riley started seeing Buffy, he went down to Los Angeles to see Angel and, went down - "
"Don't finish that sentence," Buffy commands.
"Oh God," Xander adds. He and Buffy and Willow and Giles and Dawn all look deeply disgusted. Spike laughs. He finds the imagery hilarious on multiple levels, demeaning to both Riley and Angel. "Why would they agree to do that?," Xander asks.
"Put yourself in their shoes. What if it was Buffy? What would you be willing to do for limited access to her?" This question creates a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. "That was a hypothetical," Anya says with a laugh. "I wasn't actually expecting an answer."
Though blind, Willow can sense how wigged her two best friends are right now. So she decides to shift the topic. "What about the wives? Do they enjoy the same, well, privilege' with the women their husbands sleep with? Otherwise, it's not only sick, but, you know, sexist. Which would make it even worse."
"No. They have that right. But they seemed less insecure than their husbands, so I'm not sure how often they use it. And I didn't bother to ask them if they enjoyed it." Spike was now moved to change the subject.
"How is Andrea?"
"She's second-in-command of the Slayer Corps. She wanted me to tell you that she doesn't abuse prisoners or do any of the other stuff you told her not to. Whatever that means."
"What does that mean?," Buffy asks Spike.
"Andrea was a little eager. Maybe a bit bloodthirsty. She did watch her father get murdered by Amazons when she was eight. That sort of thing can have an effect on a person."
"They call her Head Slayer, because she kills the most enemies. In battle," Anya adds. "Andrea's known for taking on the toughest enemies and killing them with a single stab wound. Which is why they all compare her to you, Buffy. That, and the fact that she's sixteen and has blonde hair. Which is pretty rare where they're from."
"She's nothing like you," Spike defensively insists. "And I never told her that she was. Andrea's a very pretty girl. And a very clever fighter. But the two of you are nothing alike. And she bloody well knows that. Doesn't she?"
"Yes," Anya answers to Spike's relief. "Penelope's much more into emulating Buffy. Cautious, responsible, always pretending the weight of the world's on her shoulders." Anya can tell Buffy thinks this is an intended slight. "As opposed to your case, when it actually sometimes is."
"And did you catch up with Penny?"
"Penny? Oh, you mean Panthesilea. The Amazon Queen who's still in love with you. And jealous of me, since I've had you and she hasn't. Also, unlike me, she seems to think you're some sort of masculine ideal, and all the mortal men she meets fall short of the sky-high standards you set." Anya starts laughing, as does Xander. "I'm sorry. It's funny it's true. She even told me that the dozens of women she's had since you left haven't filled the void."
"Women? What the bloody hell are you talking about?"
Spike's ignorance surprises Willow and Kennedy. "You didn't know?," Kennedy asks him.
"Queen Panthesilea was way more into women," Willow explains. "All the Amazons knew that. She liked men, but was supposed to be very picky." Her preference for Spike seems to fly in the face of Willow's appraisal of him. But she doesn't want to gratuitously insult him. Xander and Giles can take care of that on their own.
Kennedy notices he's freaked by the news of Penny's orientation. "Look on the bright side, Spike. She was the one woman all the other women most wanted to nail. There was a sort of consensus that she was irresistible."
"Is that so?," Buffy asks.
"I resisted," Spike responds. "Even though you did say I should start seeing other people."
"That was a year ago! Back when you were soulless and I didn't want you around."
"It was also a couple months ago. Right before your big date."
"Would you two like to be alone?," Faith asks. Buffy and Spike end their little argument over the ill-defined status of their relationship.
"So Penny had a thing for birds," Spike says to himself as he thinks over Anya's news, as well as the chance it offers to make Buffy jealous. "No wonder she was so good with her tongue."
NEXT: Goodbye Sunnydale. And Hello Kate Lockley. Turns out Kate's an old friend of Stella's, and a recent ally of Rupert's.