My first Red Dwarf fic. The ideas been done but dammit I wanted a go too. This is based upon the books (The Last Human and Better Than Life) with a few alterations.

1. The Ace Rimmer incident still happened.

2. The Alternate Dimension episode (with Deb Lister and Arleen Rimmer) happened.

3. Holly stayed male though.

Chapter One: Being Lost and Being a Loser

Holly was lost. In fact, Holly was so lost he began to wonder if he was sure he was lost in the first place. Perhaps he was on the right path after all and he was delusional. That he only thought he passed that star system a week ago. And even if he was lost, he couldn't be that lost. Someone would've noticed if he was very lost. Maybe they suspected. Holly was sure Rimmer was eyeing the pixellated bead of sweat running down his balding head and down past his nose. Or perhaps Rimmer was simply flaring his nostrils in disgust because Lister was winning at chess against Holly. Lister versus a computer with an I.Q., supposedly, of 6,000. Even if Holly was computer senile, Rimmer wasn't about to believe that Lister's 'nipple- shaped piece' had just managed to take 'the cross guy'. Rimmer bit into his hand in anguish as Lister danced and jigged around the table. Holly congratulated him, "Well done, Dave," and then disappeared to puzzle over how they were lost in the first place. He never should have flipped a computerised coin five months back when they had to go around a meteor shower area and Lister had asked which way they were turning. He should have gone with his instincts, and gone under it.

Rimmer let Lister dance a short while longer before holding his hands behind his back and asking politely, "So, why wont you ever play against me?"

"No offence man, but you're a bad loser. You're like the child that drops his bean bag on school sports day and then throws it at the P.E. teacher's groin."

"I only did that once! I told him I had a bad knee but he insisted I race. Smeghead."

"See? You blame everyone else when you lose a game. If we played chess and I won you'd probably claim I had a little voodoo doll set of you and the chess pieces and I was sticking little pins into you."

Rimmer shook his head in disbelief. "I honestly wouldn't accuse you of that. For a start, I don't think you could even spell voodoo let alone perform it." Lister let the insult go and set up the chess pieces. Rimmer panicked. If he played Lister and lost he could never live it down.

Lister waved the white king at Rimmer. "You promise you won't wig out when I win?"

"IF you win. Which you won't. I promise I'll be as gracious as Holly is and give you a 'Well dun Dayve' like he always says." Lister agreed on these terms and added that next time, they would play his favourite game. "But your games have no planning ahead, no quick thinking, no deep thinking, no any thinking! The games you play involve no skill at all."

"What's wrong with 'Ker-plunk?'" demanded Lister. Rimmer sat on the chair and turned the board so he would be the black pieces. Going first was always the worst strategy.

"Alright dudes?" Holly's head popped onto the screen.

"Not now Holly, we're in the middle of the most important game in the history of the Red Dwarf."

"No, that was when Peterson played 'Operation' against Toddhunter after 6 tequila shots. That was brutal. I swear when he's drunk he's got the grace of Audrey Hepburn. 2 or 3 more tequilas though and he'd have been about as graceful as a rugby player wearing heels on a tightrope."

"There's a big wibbly wobbly thing heading towards us," Holly interrupted. "Looks like some kind of rip in the fabric of time and/or space. It's locked in on us." Rimmer tapped his chin. The situation seemed very familiar. He couldn't quite place it. Holly looked around his files for any information on wibbly wobbly big things. Only one record. "Could be Ace."

Rimmer leapt out of the chair and yelled, "NO! NO NO NO SMEGGING NO!"

"Not looking forward to seeing him again?" Holly guessed.

Rimmer curled up on his bunk in the foetal position. "No absolutely not. Never again. Not a second with that goit, in that smarmy git's company."

"This'll be great!" Lister ran to the drive room to see if he could get a view of Ace's ship on screen.

A ship did indeed come out from the big wibbly wobbly thing. It aimed straight for Red Dwarf and looked like it was about to crash right into its side. Just before impact, it turned upwards and long spindly legs clamped onto the Dwarf's side and the ship scuttled up towards the cargo bay doors. Lister, Kryten and the Cat eagerly waited in the hold. The airlock opened signalling that the ship was safely inside. "It certaintly looks like Captain Rimmer's ship, sir. Right down to the graffiti tag on the left side saying "Alecks was shagged here." Kryten scanned the ship. "It's safe to open. No dangerous bacteria and one human form - that should be Captain Rimmer. I just can't wait any longer, sir!"

"All right man, give permission for him to come out." The message was sent to the small ship's computer and the top opened. Rimmer peered around the door curiously in the hopes that Ace was lying dead in his ship. Rimmer should have known by now, he just wasn't that lucky.