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Chapter 17

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Grief, they say, has three stages...

Shock, torpor, incredulity;
Nostalgia, acceptance, remembrance;
Resolution, re-establishment, reorganization.

The doctor explained to Horatio that most women, when having lost a baby, went through grief and that Calleigh would need comfort and support through this difficult time. He warned him that Calleigh may be emotionally volatile, she may not want to talk, but Horatio needed to encourage her to open up, to help both of them cope with this together.

Calleigh was fine physically, thankfully. There was no infection. Horatio had done a good job in assisting her, the doctor said.

It seemed that, like half of all miscarriages, Horatio and Calleigh's was due to an error in the genetic makeup of the pregnancy. Completely unpredictable, utterly unforeseeable. It was simply bad luck.

Horatio left the doctor in the hall to go sit by Calleigh where he had spent the night. He sat in the chair beside her bed and held his head in his hands. It all seemed like a dream... like a nightmare. Too painful to be real.

Calleigh mumbled in her sleep and started twisting and turning in her bed. Horatio stood and leaned over the rail of the bed, "It's okay, Calleigh, I'm right here."

He stroked her forehead and her eyes fluttered open.

The first thing she saw were his red puffy eyes and the undying sorrow came stabbing back forcefully. It wasn't a bad dream.

Lips trembling, she sat up and looped her arms around Horatio's neck to bring him near.

"You're okay," Horatio mumbled against her hair.

She tried talking, but her throat was dry.

"Hang on, I'll get you some water," he poured some bottled water into a plastic cup and helped her sit straight before giving her the drink.

She took small gulps than a long one and cleared her throat.

"What did you want to say?" Horatio asked.

She wanted to tell him how sorry she was to have lost their baby. She wanted to tell him about the nightmare she had just had about trying to save a blonde little girl from drowning. Thinking it through, she knew the little girl was her and she was the one who needed saving. She did feel submerged by what had happened. The habitually strong Calleigh felt weak and empty.

"Calleigh?" Horatio asked, trying to bring her back down to earth from wherever she had gone.
She blinked twice and he asked, "Wanna tell me about your dream?" Really, he wanted to ask her to talk to him.

She shook her head, "No. It's just a bad dream," and eased back into her pillow.

He took the empty cup from her and touched her shoulder while kissing her forehead. He was going to let her get some rest so they could be out of here by the end of the day. He knew she hated hospitals.

"Horatio - " Alexx' voice was heard coming from the doorway and Horatio glanced back in that direction. He looked over at Calleigh again, who turned away from the noise, and got up to walk over to the door.

"How is she doing?" she asked.

Horatio made Alexx step out into the hallway with him, "I don't think she wants to see anyone right now."

"It's understandable." Alexx nodded, "How are you holding up?" she roved over his physical state. He was dressed nicely, but he looked like he'd been through hell.

"I - I don't know... it's hard to - I don't know." He was concentrating on looking after Calleigh.

Alexx was thankful she didn't get his usual 'I'm fine.' She knew he'd been crying, even though he'd never admit to it- being a well-controlled type of guy. He probably hadn't gotten any sleep either.

"I went by your place like you asked and checked on Ella. Found her curled up on your bed where you had left her. She's fine," Alexx paused then continued, "I also took the opportunity to clean up the spilled bottle of honey."

"Thank you," Horatio said sincerely. He looked back inside at Calleigh, "I'm gonna go get her something to eat for when she wakes up," he looked back at Alexx, "Here, I'll walk you down."

Calleigh turned in bed to face the door.

He was gone.

Tears started trailing down her cheeks onto her pillow. She could no longer hold it in. She turned her head and cried with intensity in her pillow.

She felt like she had failed him. She felt guilty for having lost their baby.

No, not lost - killed. Their baby. The one that had been conceived unexpectedly, but out of love. The one Horatio had been extremely happy to have created, even though it had been a complete surprise. God had decided it so and Horatio had embraced the idea of becoming a father. He had accepted the gift and was finally going to have a baby of his own to care for.

Everything had vanished.

Horatio walked in with a tray of food and Calleigh quickly wiped her tears.

"Are you hungry?" Horatio asked.

She looked over the tray... her favorites... Fruit salad, a bagel with cream cheese and tea.

"Yes."

"Good. Here," he placed the tray on the mobile table and slid the table over to her. She pushed herself up and Horatio reached out to help, but she shook her head saying it was okay.

"How did you get Jade tea?"

"Smuggled it in."

She almost smiled, but the thought of being happy made the reaction fade away.

"I have to go to the bathroom first," she told him and he nodded.

She had been afraid to go on her own, but knowing he'd be right on the other side of the door, she told him, "I can manage."

"Here, wait - " Horatio knew she'd be cold in the very flimsy hospital gown and gave her the sweater he had brought for her.

He slid the rail down and she sat on the edge of the bed. She was wearing socks, she noticed. She didn't remember much from the previous night.
It wasn't that she couldn't, but rather that she didn't want to. As far as she wanted to go, she remembered being wheeled inside the hospital by Horatio. They had to fill in some forms and do blood tests before she could actually see the doctor. The wait had been long before she went through an internal examination and a scan.

She was pale when she came back out of the bathroom, "I'm still bleeding."

"It's normal. It can take up to seven days until it completely stops. It will take a little while for you to heal."

How did he know all of this? she thought, climbing back into bed.

"You've been through this before," she guessed.

"I have," he moved the table back in front of Calleigh.

"I want to forget," she whimpered then wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm still crying..."

Horatio knew you could never forget such a thing.

"It's alright," he took her hand. "Calleigh, talk to me."
He wiped another tear streaming down her cheek, "It's important to talk."

She broke eye contact with him. She just couldn't bring herself to do it.

He shook his head, "No, you don't have to." He was mad at himself for having pushed her. You're tired, Horatio, he thought, you're on edge.

"Forget what I said. Eat, you'll feel better. I'm here if you need me... I'm sure you'll come to me when you're ready." He hoped she would.

For now, he'd concentrate on being supportive.

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In the early evening, they were back home with Ella. Calleigh took a shower, changed and cuddled Ella for a long time until feeling tired and deciding to lie on the couch and watch television. Horatio told her she'd be more comfortable in bed, but she refused to go to bed. In fact, she struggled to keep her eyes open, fighting sleep. She wondered where this unexplained tiredness came from and battled her drained body to cooperate with her. Under no pretenses was she going to fall asleep and be left helpless to her unconscious - at risk of dreaming those terrible things again.

Horatio wanted to tell her not to fight sleep, that her sleep pattern may be disturbed and she should get some shut-eye whenever she needed it, but he stayed silent. He stayed by her and when she fell asleep, he covered her with a blanket.

Wanting take her mind off of things, she had told him, before dozing off, that she'd be going to work with him tomorrow. He wanted to tell her that there was no way she was going to work because she needed to take some time off, but he stayed quiet, hoping that tomorrow she would change her mind.

The next morning, however, there was no stopping her. Stubbornness reincarnated, she was. She had given him a good argument: she couldn't bear to be alone and have plenty of time to think.

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Calleigh walked down the well-known shiny black floor of the crime lab hallway on Horatio's arm, passing familiar faces that all looked sympathetic.

They passed the evidence lab where Speed stood behind the glass wall and he welcomed her back with a movement of his head. Calleigh smiled faintly, still walking harmonized with Horatio's pace.

They stopped at the bottom of the stairs to Horatio's office and he turned to face her, "If you get tired, I want you to come see me and I'll take you home."

She nodded and looked down at his shoes.

"Calleigh, look at me," he placed a finger under her chin, making her lift her head. "I'm gonna be checking up on you," he continued in his head, 'so you better not think you can hide anything from me.'

She nodded as if she heard the silent warning and he kissed her cheek, saying, "C'mere," and surrounding her with his arms.
"I love you," he whispered and she wondered why he did.

Horatio took a step back, not making a big deal out of the fact that she didn't say I love you back. He was already planning to talk to her. He knew something was up.

TBC...