Chapter Seven: Stay With Me

"Rimmer!" Lister cheered as he and Mace climbed out of the ship. "You guys were amazing!"

"Well done, sir and Miss Rimmer!"

"Gotta admit that was cool, goalpost head. And future Mrs Cat," the Cat added with a waggle of his eyebrows. Mace shrugged, used to it all. Rimmer blushed slightly and couldn't help grinning smugly.

"Maybe now we can start the celebrations?" Mace hinted.

Lister nodded, "Alright Mace if you want to so badly, we'll have a party." The Cat immediately ran off to find clothes for the event, and Kryten went to prepare some food and drink. Mace went with him, giving him recipe ideas and regaling him with a tale about how she discovered that moon slugs were far tastier than they looked.

"What a gal," Rimmer sighed sadly.

Lister looked at him. "What's wrong with you?"

"You've no idea how little I really did up there. She did it all."

"But you were there. You were actually in the face of fire. Not curled up under your blanket singing boy scout camp songs like 'Kumbaya'." A smile tugged at Rimmer's lip, but soon gave up. Lister tried again, "You wont be Ace right away. It'll take a while."

"It took him 20 years. What hope do I have? I'll be in the belly of a giant alien and being feasted upon by her unborn young before Mace can say, "look behind you oops too late"."

"She's not that great."

Rimmer was surprised. "Why Listy, fallen out of love with the great Mace already? Are you so fickle?" Lister mumbled something about a secret about her that Rimmer didn't quite catch. He inquired further. "A secret? Oh God she's not a man is she? I knew Ace wore women's underwear but a sex change?"

"No you smeg, she's Arlene!" Lister clamped his hands onto his mouth. "Smeg," he said, slightly muffled.

Rimmer was confused. Well of course she was Arlene. She wasn't exactly going to be Andrea Rimmer. "What are you on about?"

"Sh... She's THE Arlene. The one we met when... y'know. Deb. Jim and Bexley."

Rimmer's blood ran cold. Arleen... the whole time... the evil temptress who'd called him totty and insisted he was mad for her. That he wiggled his hips suggestively to lure her. He cackled and grabbed Lister's shoulders. "You know what this means? If that smeg-headed bint can be a hero then it should be a walk in the park for me!"

"Er... glad you're Ok with it."

Rimmer didn't bring up that he knew Mace's true identity. In fact, he preferred her to remain Mace in his eyes. And just prayed that she wouldn't try it on with him during the weeks between missions. He was still incredibly afraid of going off into space and fighting aliens and saving people. But if it meant showing Arleen up, it was worth it. The party lasted until the early hours of the morning. Arleen and Kryten weren't used to it and soon collapsed on the floor. The Cat turned up several times, wearing different outfits. He was disappointed to find that none of them impressed Mace and was about to try his birthday suit idea again, when he realised he was overdue for a nap. So Lister and Rimmer were left until 5am, drinking, dancing and crying over life's cruelties. "Y'know Lister, I've suddenly realised my biggest problem in life. I never had a sister. To make me look good. But now I have one."

"Boys are better than girls?" Lister asked, sucking an olive out of his Martini glass, which was filled with beer.

Rimmer nodded. "In my family, at any rate. If I'd had a sister, I'd have been baby Jesus compared to her. I could do no wrong. I'd lay down my sweet head and the cows and donkeys could say what they liked but my mum would still be a virgin and I'd be God." Rimmer started humming Christmas carols.

Lister shook his head, "Your family are so old-fashioned. They're still living in the Twentieth century. If Jim and Bexley had been girls, I'd have been made up. Jane and Becky. Suits me."

Rimmer fell off his chair and his eyes glazed over from the alcohol. He tried to remember the last point of the conversation. "Did Arleen mention Jim and Bexley?"

"Bexley's dead. Like the future echo you saw."

"Ah." Rimmer got back onto the chair next to Lister.

"Was his death really that bad? With the exploding and ripping apart and..." Lister trailed off and began to sob.

Rimmer bit his lip. Lying would not only be noble, but it was also his most natural speech response. "No I was only joking. It was fairly quick. Just an 'argh' and he was gone." Lister didn't answer. He'd fallen asleep on Rimmer's shoulder and was drooling beer onto his shirt. "Charming," Rimmer said sardonically. "I felt left out not having beer mixed with chewed up olives and Madras on my shirt." He gently moved Lister's head onto the table and decided to crawl into his bunk. He hated waking up in an awkward position after drinking and not being able to move his neck more than 12 degrees in either direction.

Just as he got up, a small pathetic voice whispered, "Don't go." He looked down at Lister. He had one eye open and gazing up at Rimmer. "I'll be all alone, man." Rimmer opened his mouth to reply but Lister was asleep again, his snores echoing all around the room. Don't go? Did Lister mean now or in general? Why? All they did was annoy each other.

"All alone..."

The last human.

Mace threw the rest of her things into the back of the ship ready for the departure. "Pass me my sunglasses, please Arnie." Rimmer picked them up from on top of the toolbox and handed them over. "We'll have to get you a pair too. I think you'd be best with a larger lens though. Suit you better."

"Yes, I agree." Rimmer stared at apparently nothing.

"You do? What's wrong?"

"I know who you are Arleen."

Arleen nibbled on the earpiece of her sunglasses. "Did you find out before or after the Gelfs?" she said in her normal voice.

He frowned and said, "After but I don't see how-"

She cut him off with a 'huzzah!' of delight. "So you did become an Ace all by yourself!"

"I'm no Ace. Go ahead. Take away the hard light bee."

"Oh honestly, you think I'm still some kind of heartless cow? Keep it you sausage."

"Really?" he breathed a sigh of relief then patted her arm. "Listen Arleen, you be who you want. If being Mace works for you, do it. Honestly."

She looked at him sideways. "Did you hit your head during the fight?"

Rimmer laughed, "No, I've realised that heroics are fun if you survive but I think I'll leave all that dangerous stuff to you and Lister."

"Well it's not the best moral in the world. I prefer the 'be who you want' one better." He was about to answer when the others turned up to say goodbye.

"Bye Mace! Come back soon! Real soon!" The Cat said. Mace grinned and when Rimmer wasn't looking, gave the Cat a kiss on the forehead. "That's it? I used my best moves on you!"

"Maybe if you were a Prince and in peril I'd consider rescuing you for the obvious rewards."

"I'm not a Prince but look!" the Cat said and lay down in the doorway. "If these doors close, my perfect body will be split in two!"

"Oh good, Arnie and I can share you. Top or bottom Arn?"

The Cat leapt up and shuddered. "Ok, I get the message!"

Rimmer shook his head despondently at her. "When did you get a sense of humour," he asked.

"When did you get a sense of loyalty?" she retorted and nodded towards Lister. "You were going to stay with them even when you thought I'd take away the hard light drive? That's sweet."

"I'm staying because I'm a coward!"

"Yes," she said into his ear. "Afraid of leaving your friends." She stepped up into her ship and put her helmet on. "Smoke me a kipper fellas!"

"We know," they chorused. She made herself comfy in the pilot's seat before initiating take off.

"Hang on!" Lister said. "Rimmer, get in there!"

"Oh, I'm not going," he said cheerfully waving to Mace in the ship.

"But..."

"Listy, I'm sure one Rimmer is more than enough for the Universe."

"But..."

"And it's got nothing to do with what you said last night Lister, don't flatter yourself."

"BUT..."

"WHAT IS IT?" Rimmer yelled over the sound of Mace's ship blasting off into the vastness of space.

"All your stuff is still in the ship."

"...SMEG!"

And that's it! Anyone notice the plot clues such as Mace's ability to touch Rimmer in the second chapter? Surprised he didn't notice himself - probably busy shaking with rage :S