(a/n: Xifa and Sefie's story. Peh.)
Chapter 3
Not long after, I was in my room, trying to ignore the growing, throbbing headache. Guess I wouldn't really have to act sick. I felt it already. I started to write, and then trashed that paper. I couldn't write in a song what was on my mind.
How could people stand to murder someone of their own free will? I could hardly take killing people now... and never to tell anyone? It would kill me. It eats the people alive inside out... It left a scar in my heart every time I realized I killed someone. It hurt even worse when I thought about their families when they got the news... I had probably ruined people's lives. I'm a murderer... An outcast.
I heard a knock on the door. Joy.
"Hey, what kind of SeeD are you anyway? Fearless in the face of death but scared of a party?"
I am not scared!
I turned the page of my notebook, picking up my black gel-ink pen.
"I'm not scared. I have a headache." and that was the honest to God truth.
I didn't even look up from my notebook. Why bother? It was just a kid, thinking they were actually gonna get me to that idiotic party. As if. I then recognized the voice as Xu's.
"Look, I know you're not into the whole party thing"- well, no joke, Xu. -" But it's Cid's orders"- I AM SO SICK OF ORDERS!!! - "Just live with it for once, okay?"
Not okay. At all. At this point I was so tired of being ordered around... All I wanted was freedom.
From the Garden... From the weight placed on my shoulders...
From the memories, or the absence of them.
"Why?" Please just give up, Xu...
"Because it's my job" -to make my night miserable? Well, you ain't doin' bad. - "To make sure everyone shows up, and if you don't come to this it comes out of my paycheck!" -Ohhh, tough luck. Sorry, you're gonna lose a couple of bucks. - "It's not that awful anyway. We won't" -can't- "Force you to dance" -no joke! - "Or anything. Just show up and stand there for all I care, I just need you to show up ;"
"Whatever."
"Squall please; it won't be horrible, I promise."
Damn, Xu.... How can you promise that? Rule number two, (number one is never let anyone anywhere near your heart) never make a promise you can't keep. I remember... A girl promising that everything would be okay, and then I wound up here. I never saw her again. I dunno. Maybe it's a crazy dream. I wouldn't doubt it. But still... it seemed so real...
"Oh, yeah. Like I trust anyone's promise. But fine, I'll be there in a few minutes."
Why in the world did I just say that? Well, anyway, it would take me a minute to finish this song...
"Right now; I don't trust you."
Doesn't surprise me at all. Ask anyone. Why would anyone trust me? I'm so untrusting myself, they all assume I'm not worth trusting.
"Then we're equal." I wanted to make it perfectly clear I didn't trust her either.
"Then just hurry up! Just because you don't enjoy parties doesn't mean I don't ."
Just because you like being surrounded by obnoxious jerks doesn't mean I do. Ever think of that, Xu?
"Oh, fine. Be there in a sec." I changed into my SeeD uniform (which I looked awful in ;)
"Thank you very much! . Cid thanks you to. Now c'mon. It won't be that bad."
What are his and her thanks to me? Will that regain my memories of the past? I don't think so. Will that change things? Absolutely not. So why should I care?
"Whatever."
It was all I could force myself to say. I was so close to turning back into my room and slamming the door... People drive me nuts most of the time. Ayane should. But for some reason, not so much... not anymore.
"Geeze... lighten up for once. You're always so serious. It worries me."
It's not your job to worry about me. Some one has to be serious, or the whole world would be in utter chaos... Right? And if no one else was willing to, I was. Not that I wanted the job. It's the way I am. That's just... I dunno... Me. But why me? Why do I lay so much on my own shoulders? Is that just me too?
I don't know myself. I've never been willing to find out about myself, or listen to my heart... Or allow myself to feel emotions for anyone or anything. I was like a closed book, even to myself. I was afraid of what I'd find if I dug into my past and tried to get to know myself... I was afraid of finding I was really as cold as I acted. Why did that scare me?
"Well, you can worry for a little longer." I pushed everything I was feeling and thinking to the back of my mind.
"Hmm... How come you always act like that?"
Many reasons I chose never to reveal to anyone. Ever... And many reasons that had never truly become clear to even myself.
"...It's not important." Why do you care?
"... You're always so... what's the word? Cold? Bitter?... Are you just like that or do you have a reason to be?"
Please... Just leave me alone. Spare us both this conversation. I scowled at her.
"Well, I'll let your friends probe you about your past."
"Two problems. Number one, what past? I can hardly remember my past before coming here. Problem number two, what friends? Like I'm gonna share all my past and memories with everyone, none of whom I trust." As if.
"Well, if you don't have any friends, just talk to Selphie. Speaking of her, have you met her evil twin?..."
She is not evil. Why don't you take the time to get to know her? Then she won't seem so evil. Heh... Maybe. Don't judge someone before you know who they truly are.
"Ayane? Yeah, why?
"She kinda scares me .But at the same time, I pity her."
Why does pity overrule people's lives?
"Why is everyone so pity-obsessed?"
If I ever attempted to have friends I would want them to be friends for who I am. Not because they pity me... but that's not gonna happen.
"Because we have feelings and instead of being selfish and thinking only of ourselves, we worry about other people."
"That's what so called ' friends ' are. People who pity you."
Xu shook her head. "Someday you'll find someone you really care about, and then you'll understand."
Sure. Whatever.
"No one cares about me. I don't care about them. Life's simplest and best rule."
And it's loneliest.
She sighed. Please, don't try to change my mind. Just leave me alone... I don't need an escort to the party.
"I seriously hope someday someone'll see past your cold side and decide they like you."
I won't let anyone see past my 'cold side'.
"So you're wishing torture on me."
"Just think about it for once! Wouldn't you like having someone to care? Don't answer that question!" Thank you for sparing me that. "Have fun Squall."
You gave me a lot to think about, Xu. "... You too."
I am going to try to open up. Just this once... Maybe.
Zell walked up. "Congratz on passing! ."
"Thanks. You too, Zell."... And I'm sorry I was so rude to you on the mission.
"Hehe... wonder when our first job is? I'm PSYCHED!" He grinned.
I didn't reply. I was thinking to hard about what Xu had said. And for once, I was beginning to think she was right.
"Well, I'm gonna go find......." If I'm right, my guess is Quistis. ".. Someone. See ya around!"
"See ya."
I was starting to let my mind wander back to being alone again. I was still ticked at Xu for making me put down the song. The dance could've waited for five minutes. And I still couldn't believe I had nearly failed my SeeD test. I stood against the wall, observing everyone and everything. And thinking about what Xu had said.
I heard Ayane and Selphie arguing; I had a feeling one of them was gonna decapitate the other one, and I had a good idea which was the more.... violent ....one. Oh well. Their problem, not mine. Selphie ran up to me. Yeah, I was pretty rude to her too, wasn't I? I should apologize. And I will. Eventually.
"I, um, need a favor." Uh-oh. See fished around in her pocket and pulled out 2 gil, 1 potion, 1 remedy, a crystal, and a pulseammo. "A really big favor..."
No. Oh no. I may have resolved to lighten up, but I ain't gonna do this.
"Before I accept, what is it?"
"I just ticked off my sister. Would you dance with her?"
"...No. I don't dance. Sorry Selphie."
"Please?"
"Selphie ; ." Believe me... I was no happy camper. This was way too big of a favor. She sighed.
"Never mind, then.... I'll just find someone else..."
For some reason beyond my fathoming, it bothered me to picture Ayane dancing with anyone, like Seifer, that kinda thing. Why? It's not like I give a rip... right? That's it. Just keep telling yourself she doesn't matter. Keep lying to yourself, I suppose. I would because she wasn't quite as evil as I thought, not because she asked me too.
Was I crazy to be arguing with myself?
"Remember this if I ever need help, Selphie." I forced a scowl and walked off towards Ayane.
"Thank you Squall, I owe you eternally!" I heard her say happily.
You owed me nothing, Selphie... I saw Ayane. No joke you ticked her, Selphie! Geeze, what did you do to her?! For some reason I didn't like seeing her upset. Don't even ask why, cause its way beyond me. I felt real concern. I'm sure it was showing on my face. For once I didn't even try to mask my emotions.
"Something wrong?" Is that not the dumbest question I've ever asked in all of history?
"No, not really."
That's not true. I know it's not. I wanted to help, and... For one night, I'm putting down my defenses. Just this once.
"I won't press."
But I was still worried. You don't show it, but you even seem upset. I've seen enough of your personality to tell that you're not an emotional person. I don't want you to be upset. Why though? Why should I care? I'd probably never see her again apart from missions, and we may never even get a mission together. I think we have a hope of a true friendship... If only you, too, would put down your wall of ice. Just this once. Please, Ayane?
"Thanks..."
"... I'm sorry I was so rude to you before." For once I mean my apology sincerely.
"It's okay." But it's still not right.
"... Alright." But I still feel bad about treating you like that.
Maybe... this party wasn't gonna be so bad after all. Possibly... Xu's right. Having friends might not be such a horrible idea. But why would Ayane wanna be my friend? What's the point in even trying? I saw her stare out the window. To my surprise, it crossed my mind that she was actually kind of pretty. Why did I think that? And also, why did I think Ayane was pretty when I still think Selphie isn't even a second glance type person? They looked nearly identical. In any case, it's beyond me.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"... Why do you care?"
I bit my lip and felt my face grow hot.
"You just looked really down, and I wanted to see if I could help."
She smiled, which caught me off guard. I hadn't seen her smile until now, in complete contrast to her sister, who never frowned. She had such a pretty smile... This proved to me... she was different. I remembered thinking just earlier that night that she was the same as everyone else... Boy was I wrong.
"Thanks, then..."
Wasn't expecting that, but I appreciated it. I smiled, and it felt odd to smile without any sarcasm. Maybe Sakura was right... I hated to admit defeat to her, but I would deal if she was the key to my past. A slow song came on... and so what was the point in hesitating?
"Wanna dance?" Was I gonna regret this?
"Um, okay."
... She accepted? I thought she loathed me... well, I wasn't complaining... Why did I feel this way? I couldn't like her. I hardly knew her! Besides, being a SeeD would only get in the way... right? How could I prevent this? I'd always had a knack for ignoring my emotions. What was happening to that now, when I need it most? I didn't want to finally make a friend, and then lose her to my line of work. This job isn't meant for socializing. I won't. But... geeze, I didn't know how to stop this!
It would hurt... Then I'd close up to everybody, this time I'd hide deeper inside myself, and maybe never come back out again, unreachable. I didn't understand why I didn't want that, because it'd protect me from getting hurt, but I didn't... Things hurt so much but life is so much more enjoyable if you're not cold. This was a lose-lose battle... So what should I do?
I'll... just go where this path takes me. Why worry about the future? What lies behind you and what lies before you are small matters compared to what lies inside you. The best way to live life is day by day. And this day has turned out pretty good. I'll worry about tomorrow when I get there.
"Well, I guess I'll see you around, Ayane = )"
"Se ya around, Squall..."
I grinned, walked off, looked back, and waved. Tonight hadn't been so bad after all. I felt truly happy. I missed feeling like this. Memories danced out of reach once again, but I didn't even bother to try to remember. Futile hope, I knew, because the memories are always there, but I can never call on them. I just couldn't believe I danced with someone... I'm sure I sucked . Ah well. Not like it would happen again anyways. Selphie ran up to me, handing me all the stuff.
"Here! Thanks, Squall, I owe ya!"
No you don't.
"No thanks." I gave it back. I enjoyed tonight, and that's enough for me.
"Woah... you sure?"
"Yup = )"
"Um, okay then. If you're sure."
"Mm hm ."
"Why are you smiling like that?... I've never seen you smile like that... come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen you smile...."
"I had a good night, that's all." what's so hard to believe about that...?
Xu laughed. Why didn't I see that one coming .
"Aren't you glad I made you come?"
"Shut up, Xu." But to my surprise, nothing could shoot down my good humor. It was rare I was in such a good mood, but when I was, I stayed that way.
"Shutting up now ."
"......My sister didn't scare you away?"
"No. Why would she?"
"She's kinda scary, that's all. ."
"Heh." Not really... not at all. "See ya round."
I'd finally made up my mind. I wasn't going to close up completely, but tomorrow I'd close up halfway. There was no way I was gonna be like I was tonight. I was just asking for hurt. I shook my head and set off for my dorm, definitely in the mood to write music. Ayane had inspired me more than she could have known.