Chapter 4
I closed my eyes, concentration fading from the music half written in front of me... What now? What could I write next? When I had a concentration lapse, then the whole song went down the tubes, and I couldn't afford to let this one suck. No way. This was too important to me. No wonder I lost any form of concentration. Selphie ran up to me.
"Hey! I'm glad I found you! Headmaster Cid wants to see you!"
"Alright."
What did I do this time? It wasn't me! I swear it wasn't me! When I arrived, Cid nodded at me. What the heck did he want...?! I was nervous, as I always was when I was needed in the office. Well, in any case, he needed to get it over with...
"Glad to see you. We already have a job line up for you." Woah, my first mission... How many SeeDs get dispatched this early? "You and your team are to... assassinate the Sorceress Edea of Galbadia." HOLY SHIT! "Though she acts as ambassador, she's actually out for destruction. I've appointed you leader of your team. Any questions?"
What the hell was going on?! A brand new SeeD on a huge assassination mission...?!
"No, sir."
"I've already spoken with your 5 other party members; they are waiting at the garden gates. You'll take a train to Galbadia... The sorceress should be at Deling City. Good luck, Squall."
"Thank you, sir."
My first SeeD mission. I thought I'd be so psyched about it... What's changed since then? I'd been waiting for this for a long time. Why didn't I feel excited...? The only thing I was experiencing was a queasy, sinking feeling.
Nervous, panicked, unhappy, hesitant. I always had those feelings. But they seemed that day to be amplified by a thousand. Everyone else was waiting at the gate. Selphie, Quistis, Zell, Raijin, and Ayane. Not my choice party, but then again, it wasn't my choice. Whatever.
"Guess what, Squall! We get to ride the underwater train to Galbadia! My first job... I'm so excited!" Selphie exclaimed.
She had a reason to be excited. I thought I'd be, too. Maybe it's because... Ayane? Possibly? Was the emotion I felt towards her the reason at fault for all of these strange, alien feelings? Was my attempt to open up and finally admitting that I found what I considered a friend what did that to me?
"Mm hm." I nodded absently, already forgetting what she said. 'Mm hm', 'yeah', and 'you've got a point' were usually responses that worked in all cases.
"Um, well you're the leader, so are you ready to go? ."
Honestly? No. I had a bad, bad feeling about this. I also hate being a leader. But... I had no choice. If I had to do this I would. A huge, ominous feeling washed over me suddenly. Something terribly bad was gonna happen... but what? And could I prevent it?
"...Yeah."
Can't anyone else sense it, too? Maybe I'm just paranoid... Once one some one was griping at me and told me I had a severe case of paranoia. Ah well. I did not come to Balamb of my own free will, and I -really- did not come there to be analyzed.
"Hehe!" Typical Selphie, "Let's go then!"
... I guess... Let's just get on with it. I followed behind everyone else. Once we assassinated the sorceress, we'd have to pick right up on a new mission, so why bother lingering on the task at hand? We boarded the train, and Selphie seemed ecstatic.
"Wow! This is great!"
How could I fight this off...? I couldn't deny this... I'd changed. I didn't know who I was anymore. What was my purpose here? Why was I so different? Was I just another one of the SeeDs? One in a thousand... so how could I make a difference? I didn't understand. What had changed me? How? Why? Would I change again? For better of for worse? I never expected to be quite such an effective weapon... and now I had to live with it. The lives I'd taken...
For a minute I placed my head in my hands. Damn. Damn it! I had been so stupid to put my defenses down! Look where it got me?! It got me in a state of despair with no return. I couldn't turn back now; it was far too late. I regretted opening up then.
"So how exactly do we plan to kill this sorceress?" Ayane looked to me for the answer.
I'll be killing, something that I'm so accustomed to doing I don't think twice or even flinch about it... I hated that. I needed to drop out of Garden. Let the old wound heal. Move on. Maybe then things would be better. But where would I go...? Back to the plan, in any case...
"Okay. My idea is to back attack her. Use a sniper of sorts. If that fails, strategic attack. That's all I'm sure of so far."
... But there'd be more. There had to be. It's up to me to think up a surefire way to kill her first shot so she won't get a chance to retaliate. To hurt us. They were depending on me to come up with something fool-proof and safe. I never have let my emotions get in the way. I wouldn't now. I couldn't afford to. Not with so many lives on the line. Ayane nodded.
"Sounds like it'd work. So what exactly am I supposed to do?"
Haven't I said I haven't gotten that far yet?
"I haven't planned that yet... I'm working on it..."
"Alright then."
I couldn't believe it... was I scared of doing this? Real SeeDs weren't scared... But I'd had plenty reason. I had seen so many people get killed.... That was just one of the pros and cons that come with being a SeeD. I'd have to see it every day, so why should it bother me? I thought I was done with killing. I doubt if I can bring myself to kill a person... not again. My feelings have gotten stronger. So strong... that I can't just put them aside any more. I wish I could go back to the way I was.
But that will probably never happen.... I needed to grow up : ( Only foolish little children are afraid of blood. The blood being shed shouldn't have bothered me... should've it? It didn't matter if it should or not... did it?... Maybe... I did need someone. A friend to talk to. Anything to make things a little easier, just a little more tolerable. We pulled into Deling City.
"We're here." Zell announced.
Nah, I never woulda guessed it. Good observation captain obvious. Here goes nothing...
"I await your orders, Captain Squall!" Selphie laughed, saluting me. Augh.
"Squall. Just Squall. And if my calculations are correct, she'll be passing the gate... in about 25 minutes. One team, what I'm thinking, will slam both sides of the gate on her. She'll be trapped. And one of us will have a sniper rifle. We shoot, she's down." Hopefully, if all goes as planned. "If that doesn't work" let's pray it does, or this will be a last ditch effort... "Then we'll go on all out offensive with two healers and two attackers. The gate team'll be our backup. Sound good to you guys?"
"Yep ."... Wait... Where's Ayane? "So who's on what team?"
"I... let's see... Selphie and Raijin I think would be a good gate team, the rest of us backup team, waiting in case the sniper doesn't work. Whaddya think?"
"Okay by me."
"Yep."
"Alrighty."
"Okay."
"But who's gonna be the sniper?"
"Not me, I just couldn't do somethin' like that."
"Hey, I fight with my fists, not guns."
"No way."
"Sorry, Squall. I don't think I could do it."
So I'm stuck.
"Fine. I guess I'll do it."
My stomach churned. It all came down to killing again, didn't it? Killing and death. Maybe I needed death. It was the only way to escape this hell.
"Okay, so are we ready then .?"
"Alright." Where did Ayane go...? I knew something bad was gonna happen...! I knew it!
"Okay, good luck everyone!"
"Guys, have you seen Ayane...?"
Selphie looked around and stomped her foot.
"What an idjit! . She's left again." again? She's snuck off before? "Ugh, wonder what she's tryin' to pull off this time."
"What do you mean 'this time'?"
If she got hurt, it'd be my fault. I was leader of this team. I should have kept a closer eye on everyone.
"Ayane's always trying to give everyone an advantage. She leaves the group and accomplishes something" oh no... I don't think any one of us alone can defeat her, unless she really, really trained extremely hard. "but it normally only takes her 10 minutes..." but it's taken her to long, which means she's probably in trouble."I bet she's trying to cast slow or silence on the sorceress to help us out, but if she isn't back yet then something must've went wrong... She does this all the time, that's why I said 'this time'."
Damn it...! Ayane... why couldn't you just stay put...? I dunno what I'll do if you're not okay...
"Alright. Let's split up. I'll meet Quistis and Zell at the gate as backup in 15 minutes, okay?"
"Okay... good luck... where ya goin' anyways?"
"To look for Ayane. If someone's missing and Edea's around, there's plenty to cause worry."
"; It's her fault for ditching us" Zell frowned. That was not the point. Besides, she was only trying to help, "But whatever you say. Meet you guys in 15 minutes, but if you don't show up, I'll assume you're in trouble and me and Quistis are gonna come save you. Hurry up! ;"
"Alright. See ya."
I hurried to find Ayane, hoping not to be to late... If I was... No, I wouldn't think about that. I arrived just in time to see Ayane cry out and fall to the floor. Fury burned inside me. Edea was gonna pay for that one. No one hurts -my- friends and gets away with it...!
"Who's going to save you now, hm?"
I am!!! I attacked Edea from behind, only hoping the element of surprise would give me an advantage. Otherwise I didn't stand a chance. I plunged my gunblade at her, angry at her for hurting Ayane... She was gonna pay... Edea .......Matron.
What? Matron? Everything those days seemed to bring up a name, a face, a memory. But they always came at the most inconvenient times. And who was Matron? Did Edea know Matron? And what happened to Matron? How did I know her? Those questions could wait, though... I fought Edea fiercely.
"This is not our final battle." she announced. Was she that easily beaten? I assumed that Ayane had taken down most of her health already. I was impressed. Mental note to self: congratulate her later.
"Ayane!" I curaga-ed her frantically, worried.
"Who... wait, Squall?"
"Are you okay?" Why did I care so much? I quickly cast cura on her.
"Stop healing me, you're wasting your spells...."
They're not wasted as long as they're doing you good....
"No, I'm not."
She stood up. I almost reached out to steady her, but stopped myself.
"I probably just messed up the whole thing... I was stupid, I'm sorry..."
"No, no, don't be. You weren't stupid, Ayane. That was a good idea. She's just too strong, that's all."
"I don't know what made me think I could pull that off..."
"Don't worry about it. And she'll have to pass under the gate to escape. So everything's gonna be okay. This even helps. She's weaker than usual now. See? It'll be fine."
"...How'd you find me? Was coming up here to fight her part of the plan, and I just got lucky or..."
"I noticed you were gone, and from there Selphie guessed you had tried to stop or silence her, and I came after you."
"...you shouldn't have..."
Why not?
"But you were in trouble." that's reason enough for me.
"So? Coming after me could've messed up the mission. It wouldn't have been worth it."
People outweigh missions. Haven't I already showed you that...?
"You're more important than some plan. We're a team, remember?" and we're friends... right? "A team sticks up for each other."
"...let's finish this job then..."
"I said something to make you mad, didn't I?" I'm sorry! Shit, why did I always say the wrong things?!
"I don't get mad." you just get really, REALLY cold, eh? Whatever....
"...Ayane, I'm sorry. You're the only person I consider a friend. I dunno what I said, but I'm sorry." I really am.
"Let's just get this mission over with, okay?" she sighed, and walked off.
I know I made her mad, and I wish I could take whatever I said wrong back, but she shouldn't have turned into a walking talking ice cube! It wasn't all my fault, and she implied her cold manner to everything. I truly was sorry, though. I regretted making her mad.
She stopped. "Thanks, Squall."
I nodded. Why couldn't she just trust me...? I decided just to give up. What was the point? It was obvious she'd never see a thing in me, and even if she did, she'd never place her trust in someone like me. I'm to cold. I'm too different. How could I blame her? I admitted it, even to myself. I... liked her. That's just the way it went. My luck was always so terrible... I finally find someone to like, and she didn't like me...
She was right... we should just get the mission over with. We hurried to the gate, ready to fight Edea. I figured climbing to the top and attacking from there would be our best bet, seeing as from up there, it would be harder for her to counter.
I ran up there, the party following me. We fought and fought... but from up there we weren't getting much accomplished. I jumped down, level with Edea, and plunged my gunblade into her. She gasped angrily but healed herself. Still, I knew we were nearing the end of the battle. That was a good thing, because I think we were all getting weak.
"This is it, SeeDs. I will no longer tolerate this nonsense."
A huge dagger of ice formed in her hand, and she hurled it at us. I tried to summon Carbuncle quickly before it reached us.... C'mon! Hurry, Carbuncle, or--... I wasn't fast enough. I cursed under my breath as the ice dagger pierced my shoulder, and I grimaced, cursing, pain overwhelming, as I felt it come out the back of my shoulder. The force knocked me backwards, and before I knew what was happening, I was falling....
"SQUALL!" it was Ayane's voice. I saw her reach for me, but she was to far away. My mind blurred, and I submited myself to darkness.